Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 9 - Vivian's Problem - full transcript
Vivian is tired of all the blind dates that Maude sets up for her. She says she is giving up on men.
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪
- Twenty-seven.
- Come on, Maude, get over here.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- It's your turn.
In a minute.
I thought I heard a car
maybe it's Viv and Harry.
Well, I didn't hear anything.
You're stalling, Maude.
You always stall
when I'm winning.
I know you're winning, Walter.
I can tell by those
two little wet stains
under your arms.
Maude, will you take your turn?
Oh, wouldn't it be
marvelous if Vivian and Harry
fell madly in love and ran off
together someplace and got married.
I mean, of course once both
their divorces become final.
Mother, why do you have such an
emotional investment in Vivian's date?
Oh, honey, because this isn't
just a date I've arranged for.
This is the date.
Now, Harry Liman has everything
a woman could possibly want,
a wonderful job, a lovely home,
a foreign sports
car, a vasectomy.
(laughs)
I mean he's a real sweetheart.
Some sweetheart.
He's in fertilizer.
(laughs)
Well, yes, but
you'd never know it.
I don't know why you think it's
your job to find Vivian a husband.
Oh, honey, I don't know.
I just can't help myself.
You know, whenever I see
a lonely unhappy woman
who can't make
it in a single world
and I find a suitable
man, I don't know,
I just... I have to do
something about it.
I know. You usually marry him.
(laughs)
God will get you
for that, Walter.
(laughs)
Now, Maude, either take
your turn or throw in your tiles?
Oh, all right. Let's see.
14 points, K-L-O-P, klop.
- What's a klop?
- That's a klop.
(laughs)
Oh, but clop is spelled with a C
and it's a sound made
by a horse's hooves.
Thank you, Carol. Thank you.
And to think when you
were little I used to walk,
so I'd be between
you and traffic.
Maude, can we continue the game?
For the last time,
either take your turn
or throw in your tiles.
Throw in my tiles?
Maude.
(screams)
I just gave your coffee a klop.
And besides no matter how either
of you feels about Vivian and Harry,
I say it is a match
made in heaven.
They're the perfect couple.
You always say that.
A fertilizer salesman.
Oh, honey, but
this time it's true.
Oh, mother,
that's a lot of bull.
He's in that too.
(car revving)
I think I hear them coming.
I think I hear them coming.
- Oh, come on.
- It's them.
Ooh, well, you two
have as much romance
in your souls as
a basket of warts.
It's... they're getting
out of the car.
Why, I tell you, this
is made in heaven.
Oh, good night.
Good night, Harry.
Don't bother seeing me in.
I had a wonderful evening
and I'll call you the minute
I get back from Nairobi.
(laughs)
Ugh.
You and your blind dates, oh.
If my house weren't being painted
and I weren't your guest, Maude,
if this weren't house, I'd kick
you out and tell you to go home.
In fact, I think I will.
Well, I can't, oh!
Didn't I tell you this was
a match made in heaven?
They just had their
first lovers' quarrel.
Maude, we're in a
middle of a game.
Don't tell me, Vivian,
you had a marvelous time.
- He took you first class...
- Yeah.
The finest wines, the finest...
Yeah. The finest wines.
Honey, now, take it easy.
You'll choke to death.
Well, at least I won't
die on an empty stomach.
Maude, you fixed me up
with the most abominable,
the most terrible, the most
rotten man in the whole world.
Oh, come on now,
Vivian. Nobody is perfect.
(laughs)
Listen, Maude, when somebody
says "I'll pick you up at 6:30,"
I don't know, maybe I'm crazy
but I just figure I'm
being taken out to dinner.
Now, look, honey, if you are
suggesting that Harry Liman is cheap,
I happen to know that
he has three hairpieces
and you know what they cost.
If there've been one of them
in the glove compartment
I would've eaten it.
Now, this doesn't
sound like Harry.
Oh, he probably thought
you'd already had your dinner.
That dress does make you
look as though you've just eaten.
Maude, this was the
worst evening I've ever had.
That man was unbelievable.
After being thoroughly
obnoxious all evening
he had the
unmitigated gall to ask
if we should go to
his place or mine.
Oh, honey, he was
probably just making a joke.
He knows your
place is being painted.
Vivian, you know,
it is your attitude.
It is your attitude that
is making it impossible
for you to have any kind of a
meaningful relationship with a man.
Let's face it, Vivian you're
a 47-year-old wet blanket
and wet blankets
end up on single beds.
(laughs)
Come on, Maude, it's your turn.
Carol quit and went upstairs
and I got my zing
on a triple score.
Oh, honey, that's marvelous.
I supposed you got other points.
Yeah. By spelling zebra 30...
Who cares, Walter? Who cares?
Okay. Maude, but if you're
not out of here in five minutes
you'll be sorry, you're
gonna lose your turn.
Walter, darling, I'd
like to remind you
it is not too late for
me to become a nun.
Now, bug off.
♪ Cry baby litsy is
gonna have a fitsy ♪
- Now look...
- Maude, I'm just sick and tired
of this whole dating thing,
boring conversation, bad jokes,
fighting for my honor.
They're all after one thing.
Vivian, I really
shouldn't do this
but I'm gonna give
you one more chance.
- Maude.
- No.
I have been saving another man.
Now, a real sweetheart,
an Armenian.
A tall. A tall Armenian...
in the fluorescent
lighting business.
Maude, I said forget it.
I'm tired of being grabbed at
by these oversexed claw
machines you fix me up with.
Oh, what's the use,
maybe time has
just passed me by.
- Oh, there, there, Viv.
- Thank you, dear.
I don't know about
dating anymore.
I don't know what
to say, how to act.
I don't even know what
clothes to wear on a date.
All right. Vivian,
have it your own way.
Go ahead. Give up men.
Become a recluse, lock
yourself up in the house,
and spend the rest of your life
watching miscarriages on "Love of Life."
(laughs)
And all because of one bad date?
One bad... They've
all been bad...
Maude, listen, I
have been out now
with 11 different
men since my divorce
and I have to say no on
the first date to ten of them.
What about the 11th?
(laughs)
Well, he... oh, Maude,
let's just forget it.
Would you just pretend
I didn't say anything.
Vivian, I'm surprised at you.
I really am surprised.
Now, Vivian, I am your
best friend in the world
and if you can't confide in
your best friend in the world
then lay off my salami.
All right, all right.
All right, all right.
Well, he's a very intelligent,
kind, distinguished-looking,
70-year-old
retired naval officer,
gentle, a responsible...
Wait, what, what did you say?
- Responsible.
- No, I mean, before that.
- Gentle.
- No, farther back.
- A retired naval officer...
- No, more, more than...
Seventy years old and shut up.
Vivian, do you realize
that you're going out with a
man who could've shot Lincoln?
Oh, come on, Maude.
All right. McKinley?
All right, all right. So he's
a little bit older than I am.
- A little?
- Oh, Maude, all the men
our age I have met
are so neurotic. They're all after
one thing, well, not Theodore.
Theodore does not
have a one-track mind.
Well, of course not, Theodore
was derailed years ago.
Vivian, how can you
relate to a 70-year-old man?
It's my life, and I'll tell
you one other thing.
Theodore's 71st
birthday is this Saturday
and he's asked me out to
dinner and darn it, I'm going.
Marvelous, Viv. Marvelous.
But let me give
you a little advice,
if you're planning on
buying him a present
don't give him a
long playing record.
Oh, come on Vivian.
Vivian, now, listen to me.
Damn, Maude,
the game, let's play.
I am playing the
game of life, Walter
and Vivian is
throwing hers away.
- Vivian...
- Maude, this isn't fair
for crying out loud.
You never finish
the games you lose.
- Hi, Arthur.
- Hi, Walter.
I heard you and Maude
hollering at each other,
I knew you're spending
a quiet evening at home.
Arthur, will you take
a look at that board?
I am so far ahead.
Yeah. I do well when
I play by myself too.
Sorry, I can't join you old buddy, but I
got a half a pound of plump little shrimp
at home just waiting for me.
I came over to see I can
borrow a pinch of oregano.
You know, Maude,
keep out of my life.
All right. But let me tell you, you
have a lot to learn about being a guest.
- Hi, Arthur.
- Hi, Maude.
Oh, look, Walter, please go
upstairs, Vivian needs you.
You're sending
Walter up to Vivian?
She may have a lot to
learn about being a guest
but you're one of a heck
of a hostess, Maude.
You be quiet, Arthur.
It's that heartless, cynical
attitude of men your age,
men who are only
interested in one thing
that is driven poor Vivian into
the arms of a 71-year-old sailor.
Looks like we got
ourselves a live one.
(laughs)
That could be tragic, Walter.
His connective tissue will
never last as long as hers.
Especially at sea.
Walter, please. Honey,
she's angry with me.
Maybe she'll listen
to you. Go talk to her.
Not me, Maude, if you want Vivian to
talk to somebody, get somebody else.
Walter Findlay, you're
all mustache and no heart.
How can you stand by and
see Vivian destroy herself?
How can you stand by and watch
another human being go down the drain
besides where I'm going to
find anybody... Arthur, darling.
Don't look at me, Maudey.
I don't know anybody.
No, I mean you.
Oh, now, wait a minute, Maude.
I just dropped by for oregano.
I mean, I haven't even eaten.
I just came from surgery.
I just stitched up a very
tall man and I'm starved.
Why didn't I think of you
in the first place, Arthur?
You're the logical choice.
I mean, Arthur you live alone.
You know what
it's like to be lonely
besides you're a doctor,
a professional man, trustworthy,
Oh, please, Arthur talk to
her, I mean, 71 years old.
What can she say to a
man who was born in 1903?
Remember the Maine?
Remember the clop.
I'll get the oregano.
Please, Arthur talk to her.
Well, if you feel my vast
knowledge and wisdom qualifies me...
Take her home,
talk to her, Arthur.
Convince her that men your age
are not just
interested in one thing.
I mean, if anybody
can do that, you can.
Vivian, oh, Vivian, dear,
Arthur wants to talk to you.
Oh, listen, Maude, all I want
is a stiff drink and a hot shower
to wash Harry's
fingerprints off my body.
Arthur, say something wise.
Hello, there, Vivian.
Wiser, Arthur, wiser.
I know these are
troublesome times
and I just thought
you might find it helpful
to talk things
over with a doctor,
a professional person,
someone trustworthy,
a man who's been in your shoes.
Is this your idea? He
doesn't wanna bother with me.
This is ridiculous.
Look, please,
Vivian, go with Arthur.
- Maude. Maude.
- Talk to him. Do it for me.
I am responsible for
messing up your life.
- You owe me a favor.
- All right. I'll go.
- I'll go.
- All right. Come along, Vivian.
I'm sorry your relationship
with Harry Liman didn't work out.
I had my heart set in getting
a sack of fertilizer, wholesale.
I'm sure Arthur can
talk some sense into her.
I mean about men.
I mean, my, heavens men
are not all out for just one thing.
I mean, sex isn't everything.
I mean you...
Why am I talking to you for?
♪ Shrimp boats are a-coming,
they're dancing tonight ♪
Arthur, listen, why
don't I just leave?
You're busy cooking
and I'm depressed.
What I am even
doing here anyway?
- Garlic.
- What?
The little chubbies need
a touch of more garlic.
That's what I mean, you
haven't heard a word I said.
Vivian, calm down. You're
on a verge of hysteria, here.
Oh, I am not.
Your voice is emanating
from the top third
of your diaphragm.
That's one of the first...
Oh, Arthur Harmon, stop
telling me all about me,
we've known each other for 10 years
and you've never even noticed me.
Now, that's not
entirely true, Vivian.
- I have noticed you.
- When?
When?
Well, there was one time you were
sitting in a far end of Maude's coach,
sipping a diet Pepsi. There
was another time when...
Oh, that's not what I...
I really am yelling
at you, aren't I?
Yes, you are.
I'm sorry, Arthur.
Oh, Arthur, it's just that this
has been such a terrible evening.
I just don't know how
to act with men anymore.
I can never be myself.
I'm always playing a part.
You're not playing a part
now, you're being yourself.
I am being me, aren't I?
Ambrosia, oh, what
food this mortal's be?
(laughs)
I just made that up.
I do that sometimes.
And it's just my luck
this is one of those times.
- Here, have a bite.
- No, Arthur, but I...
Oh, all right.
Hmm. Oh, my
goodness, that's good.
- You like that?
- Mm-hmm.
- You really do?
- I do.
Vivian, you're a
very fine person.
- Oh.
- A little bit
tensed up perhaps.
But definitely too fine a
person to throw yourself away...
How to put it tactfully a
broken-down old geezer.
When I was one-and-twenty
I heard a wise man say
give crowns and
pounds and guineas
but not your heart away.
Give pearls away and rubies,
but keep your fancy free,
but I was one-and-twenty,
no use to talk to me.
By George, a poetry lover.
I didn't know an
attractive woman like you
could be taken with
iambic pentameter.
I've been addicted to
A.E. Housman for years.
Tell me not here it leads not saying
what tune the enchantress plays.
- In aftermaths...
- Yeah
of soft September or
under blanching made.
For she and I are long
acquainted and I know all her ways.
(laughs)
Looks as if you had me
eating right out of your hand.
(laughs)
Don't worry I'm sterile.
I mean, I just come
from operating.
I mean, I was doing the
operating not the other way around.
(laughs)
Otherwise, I'd be in stitches.
(laughs)
There I go with my
little witticisms again,
I hope you don't mind.
Oh, no, no. That's all right.
Actually, Vivian, you're
experiences to the contrary,
there are some men
who aren't just
out after one thing.
There are some of us who
might be called wet men.
Wet men?
Men whose eyes puddle
up at a beautiful sunset
or when they see
a simple eggcup,
men who appreciate
spiritual values,
poetic values, Vivian.
(screams)
Now, come on, Maude,
you can't use that.
Nixon is a proper name.
Not in this house it isn't.
Trustworthy, hell!
What happened?
What happened to you?
You should've seen the way he...
Quiet, you're
getting hysterical.
Vivian, stop.
- Now talk. What happened?
- What happened?
I had to make a run for my life.
Your Chef Boyardee turned
into the Galloping Gourmet.
Come on, Vivian.
Oh, Vivian, he didn't
really do that, did he?
He... no, no, no,
this is a cotton dress
and I've been
attacked by boll weevils.
Oh, Vivian, Vivian,
you poor thing.
Honey, I promise you I'll do
everything I can to get even with him.
- No, no, no,
he's out of my life.
- I will flatten his tires.
I'll get him.
I'll get him. This is shocking.
- It was terrible.
- This is shocking.
I mean, Arthur is
usually so conservative,
to think that a Republican
would turn into a sex fiend.
Maybe they're trying to change
their image for the next election.
I'll tell you something,
I've had it with the
Republicans and the Democrats.
All I want is some
peace and freedom.
Walter, how could
he do this to her?
I send my best friend
over for a little advice.
He treats her as though she
was sent over to clear up his acne.
Come on, Maude,
will you take it easy.
I mean, Viv's all right.
She's just shaken up a little.
Just shaken up a little?
The poor woman
comes in hysterical.
Her clothes half torn off of her
by that depraved friend of yours
and you say she's
just a little shaken up?
Anybody seen Vivian?
The darnedest thing happen,
you'll never believe what happened.
Strangest thing I
ever saw in my life,
I was cooking some
shrimp, we were talking,
Viv turned and she
slipped on the floor
and start to lose her balance,
I reached out to grab her
and just as I did, the
whole house lurched.
It's probably slippage
from the cesspool.
I really got to have
that thing pumped out.
Well, the poor girl panicked
when she felt the floor move
then she jumped up, ran into
the living room, so I'm shocked,
she got her ankle caught in
the mouth in the bear skin rug
and she fell right
down, started screaming.
Probably thought I
was biting her ankle.
I tried to help her up but the poor
woman was so hysterical that...
Well, if she's not
here, she must have...
She didn't tell you some ridiculous
story about me attacking her, did she?
Listen to me, Arthur Harmon,
Jack the Ripper had a better alibi.
Now, Maude, Walter, listen,
I spent three hours in surgery
tonight, I saved a man's life.
I wouldn't attempt
to attack a girl.
Of course he wouldn't
attempt to attack her.
- Thank you, Walter.
- He would either do it
or he wouldn't.
Well, Arthur, and what
are you doing here?
No, no, don't tell you
just came over for the kill?
Now, don't talk to like,
Vivian, I'm a doctor.
I saved a man's life tonight.
If you say that once more,
Arthur, and I'll even things up.
Just go home, Arthur. Go home.
Now, Vivian, there's been
a terrible misunderstanding.
Some misunderstanding.
I was sitting there and
you started spouting
those A.E. Housman
sex poems at me
and then you started
feeding me that fantail shrimp
and telling me how all
men are not the same
and then the next thing
I know you grabbed me.
You and your wet men.
No, no, no, no,
I didn't do that.
- You overreacted.
- I overreact?
That's why I fell over
your little black bag
as you were pushing
me down the table.
No, I didn't push
you. I grabbed you.
Ha! You admit grabbing her.
Now, Maude, stop putting
my words in my mouth.
I didn't admit grab... Walter,
did I admit grabbing her?
Don't look at me. I'm
just waiting for a bus.
(laughs)
All right. All right.
For heaven sake,
I admit grabbing her.
Arthur, get out of this house.
I don't know how you can
live yourself after this evening.
I never knew how you could
with yourself before this evening,
but that's different story.
Get out of this house.
You're just like every
other man, Arthur,
after one thing
and one thing only.
All right.
It's true I was after one
thing and one thing only,
but it's not the one
thing you thought.
No, it wasn't, Vivian.
For the first time in years, I
actually felt affection for a woman.
Why, Arthur...
Now, I'll tell you something
else, it was all your fault.
You look so damn pretty and...
over the light from
the chaffing dish
and the smell of garlic
butter, I couldn't help myself.
Arthur, I don't
know what to say...
All I want to do is
show a little affection.
I don't believe it, Walter.
I mean, it's like a
science fiction movie.
I mean, he's turning into a
human being before our very eyes.
Maude, please
let me handle this.
Arthur, I think I did overreact.
I should've known you wouldn't
do a terrible thing like that,
pushing me down
and tearing my dress.
Oh, I might. Still waters
run deep, you know.
That's probably why he's
having trouble with his cesspool.
Well, good night
- and I adored the shrimp.
- You did? You did?
Well, listen, I also have a bottle
of artichoke bottoms vinaigrette
in my refrigerator if you're
still hungry, we could...
Well, I am still hungry
and I just happened to be
crazy about artichoke bottoms.
When I was one-and-twenty
I heard him say again
the heart out of the bosom
was never given in vain,
'tis paid with sighs a plenty
and so for endless rue.
And I am two-and-twenty
and oh, 'tis true, 'tis true.
(laughs)
Did you see them, Maude?
Did you see the way they
were looking at each other?
Walter, yes, I saw.
Oh, like the phoenix.
Out of the ashes of
this evening may rise
one of the more depressing
relationships of this century.
Walter, what have I done?
What have I done?
- Come on.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Well, good night, Arturo.
Arturo?
Bon soir, cheri.
My heart is limp.
You're more tasty
than marinated shrimp.
(laughs)
No, I really mean that.
Oh, dear sweet precious man.
Where has he been all my life?
Walter, how many
points for "upchuck"?
(music playing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪
- Twenty-seven.
- Come on, Maude, get over here.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- It's your turn.
In a minute.
I thought I heard a car
maybe it's Viv and Harry.
Well, I didn't hear anything.
You're stalling, Maude.
You always stall
when I'm winning.
I know you're winning, Walter.
I can tell by those
two little wet stains
under your arms.
Maude, will you take your turn?
Oh, wouldn't it be
marvelous if Vivian and Harry
fell madly in love and ran off
together someplace and got married.
I mean, of course once both
their divorces become final.
Mother, why do you have such an
emotional investment in Vivian's date?
Oh, honey, because this isn't
just a date I've arranged for.
This is the date.
Now, Harry Liman has everything
a woman could possibly want,
a wonderful job, a lovely home,
a foreign sports
car, a vasectomy.
(laughs)
I mean he's a real sweetheart.
Some sweetheart.
He's in fertilizer.
(laughs)
Well, yes, but
you'd never know it.
I don't know why you think it's
your job to find Vivian a husband.
Oh, honey, I don't know.
I just can't help myself.
You know, whenever I see
a lonely unhappy woman
who can't make
it in a single world
and I find a suitable
man, I don't know,
I just... I have to do
something about it.
I know. You usually marry him.
(laughs)
God will get you
for that, Walter.
(laughs)
Now, Maude, either take
your turn or throw in your tiles?
Oh, all right. Let's see.
14 points, K-L-O-P, klop.
- What's a klop?
- That's a klop.
(laughs)
Oh, but clop is spelled with a C
and it's a sound made
by a horse's hooves.
Thank you, Carol. Thank you.
And to think when you
were little I used to walk,
so I'd be between
you and traffic.
Maude, can we continue the game?
For the last time,
either take your turn
or throw in your tiles.
Throw in my tiles?
Maude.
(screams)
I just gave your coffee a klop.
And besides no matter how either
of you feels about Vivian and Harry,
I say it is a match
made in heaven.
They're the perfect couple.
You always say that.
A fertilizer salesman.
Oh, honey, but
this time it's true.
Oh, mother,
that's a lot of bull.
He's in that too.
(car revving)
I think I hear them coming.
I think I hear them coming.
- Oh, come on.
- It's them.
Ooh, well, you two
have as much romance
in your souls as
a basket of warts.
It's... they're getting
out of the car.
Why, I tell you, this
is made in heaven.
Oh, good night.
Good night, Harry.
Don't bother seeing me in.
I had a wonderful evening
and I'll call you the minute
I get back from Nairobi.
(laughs)
Ugh.
You and your blind dates, oh.
If my house weren't being painted
and I weren't your guest, Maude,
if this weren't house, I'd kick
you out and tell you to go home.
In fact, I think I will.
Well, I can't, oh!
Didn't I tell you this was
a match made in heaven?
They just had their
first lovers' quarrel.
Maude, we're in a
middle of a game.
Don't tell me, Vivian,
you had a marvelous time.
- He took you first class...
- Yeah.
The finest wines, the finest...
Yeah. The finest wines.
Honey, now, take it easy.
You'll choke to death.
Well, at least I won't
die on an empty stomach.
Maude, you fixed me up
with the most abominable,
the most terrible, the most
rotten man in the whole world.
Oh, come on now,
Vivian. Nobody is perfect.
(laughs)
Listen, Maude, when somebody
says "I'll pick you up at 6:30,"
I don't know, maybe I'm crazy
but I just figure I'm
being taken out to dinner.
Now, look, honey, if you are
suggesting that Harry Liman is cheap,
I happen to know that
he has three hairpieces
and you know what they cost.
If there've been one of them
in the glove compartment
I would've eaten it.
Now, this doesn't
sound like Harry.
Oh, he probably thought
you'd already had your dinner.
That dress does make you
look as though you've just eaten.
Maude, this was the
worst evening I've ever had.
That man was unbelievable.
After being thoroughly
obnoxious all evening
he had the
unmitigated gall to ask
if we should go to
his place or mine.
Oh, honey, he was
probably just making a joke.
He knows your
place is being painted.
Vivian, you know,
it is your attitude.
It is your attitude that
is making it impossible
for you to have any kind of a
meaningful relationship with a man.
Let's face it, Vivian you're
a 47-year-old wet blanket
and wet blankets
end up on single beds.
(laughs)
Come on, Maude, it's your turn.
Carol quit and went upstairs
and I got my zing
on a triple score.
Oh, honey, that's marvelous.
I supposed you got other points.
Yeah. By spelling zebra 30...
Who cares, Walter? Who cares?
Okay. Maude, but if you're
not out of here in five minutes
you'll be sorry, you're
gonna lose your turn.
Walter, darling, I'd
like to remind you
it is not too late for
me to become a nun.
Now, bug off.
♪ Cry baby litsy is
gonna have a fitsy ♪
- Now look...
- Maude, I'm just sick and tired
of this whole dating thing,
boring conversation, bad jokes,
fighting for my honor.
They're all after one thing.
Vivian, I really
shouldn't do this
but I'm gonna give
you one more chance.
- Maude.
- No.
I have been saving another man.
Now, a real sweetheart,
an Armenian.
A tall. A tall Armenian...
in the fluorescent
lighting business.
Maude, I said forget it.
I'm tired of being grabbed at
by these oversexed claw
machines you fix me up with.
Oh, what's the use,
maybe time has
just passed me by.
- Oh, there, there, Viv.
- Thank you, dear.
I don't know about
dating anymore.
I don't know what
to say, how to act.
I don't even know what
clothes to wear on a date.
All right. Vivian,
have it your own way.
Go ahead. Give up men.
Become a recluse, lock
yourself up in the house,
and spend the rest of your life
watching miscarriages on "Love of Life."
(laughs)
And all because of one bad date?
One bad... They've
all been bad...
Maude, listen, I
have been out now
with 11 different
men since my divorce
and I have to say no on
the first date to ten of them.
What about the 11th?
(laughs)
Well, he... oh, Maude,
let's just forget it.
Would you just pretend
I didn't say anything.
Vivian, I'm surprised at you.
I really am surprised.
Now, Vivian, I am your
best friend in the world
and if you can't confide in
your best friend in the world
then lay off my salami.
All right, all right.
All right, all right.
Well, he's a very intelligent,
kind, distinguished-looking,
70-year-old
retired naval officer,
gentle, a responsible...
Wait, what, what did you say?
- Responsible.
- No, I mean, before that.
- Gentle.
- No, farther back.
- A retired naval officer...
- No, more, more than...
Seventy years old and shut up.
Vivian, do you realize
that you're going out with a
man who could've shot Lincoln?
Oh, come on, Maude.
All right. McKinley?
All right, all right. So he's
a little bit older than I am.
- A little?
- Oh, Maude, all the men
our age I have met
are so neurotic. They're all after
one thing, well, not Theodore.
Theodore does not
have a one-track mind.
Well, of course not, Theodore
was derailed years ago.
Vivian, how can you
relate to a 70-year-old man?
It's my life, and I'll tell
you one other thing.
Theodore's 71st
birthday is this Saturday
and he's asked me out to
dinner and darn it, I'm going.
Marvelous, Viv. Marvelous.
But let me give
you a little advice,
if you're planning on
buying him a present
don't give him a
long playing record.
Oh, come on Vivian.
Vivian, now, listen to me.
Damn, Maude,
the game, let's play.
I am playing the
game of life, Walter
and Vivian is
throwing hers away.
- Vivian...
- Maude, this isn't fair
for crying out loud.
You never finish
the games you lose.
- Hi, Arthur.
- Hi, Walter.
I heard you and Maude
hollering at each other,
I knew you're spending
a quiet evening at home.
Arthur, will you take
a look at that board?
I am so far ahead.
Yeah. I do well when
I play by myself too.
Sorry, I can't join you old buddy, but I
got a half a pound of plump little shrimp
at home just waiting for me.
I came over to see I can
borrow a pinch of oregano.
You know, Maude,
keep out of my life.
All right. But let me tell you, you
have a lot to learn about being a guest.
- Hi, Arthur.
- Hi, Maude.
Oh, look, Walter, please go
upstairs, Vivian needs you.
You're sending
Walter up to Vivian?
She may have a lot to
learn about being a guest
but you're one of a heck
of a hostess, Maude.
You be quiet, Arthur.
It's that heartless, cynical
attitude of men your age,
men who are only
interested in one thing
that is driven poor Vivian into
the arms of a 71-year-old sailor.
Looks like we got
ourselves a live one.
(laughs)
That could be tragic, Walter.
His connective tissue will
never last as long as hers.
Especially at sea.
Walter, please. Honey,
she's angry with me.
Maybe she'll listen
to you. Go talk to her.
Not me, Maude, if you want Vivian to
talk to somebody, get somebody else.
Walter Findlay, you're
all mustache and no heart.
How can you stand by and
see Vivian destroy herself?
How can you stand by and watch
another human being go down the drain
besides where I'm going to
find anybody... Arthur, darling.
Don't look at me, Maudey.
I don't know anybody.
No, I mean you.
Oh, now, wait a minute, Maude.
I just dropped by for oregano.
I mean, I haven't even eaten.
I just came from surgery.
I just stitched up a very
tall man and I'm starved.
Why didn't I think of you
in the first place, Arthur?
You're the logical choice.
I mean, Arthur you live alone.
You know what
it's like to be lonely
besides you're a doctor,
a professional man, trustworthy,
Oh, please, Arthur talk to
her, I mean, 71 years old.
What can she say to a
man who was born in 1903?
Remember the Maine?
Remember the clop.
I'll get the oregano.
Please, Arthur talk to her.
Well, if you feel my vast
knowledge and wisdom qualifies me...
Take her home,
talk to her, Arthur.
Convince her that men your age
are not just
interested in one thing.
I mean, if anybody
can do that, you can.
Vivian, oh, Vivian, dear,
Arthur wants to talk to you.
Oh, listen, Maude, all I want
is a stiff drink and a hot shower
to wash Harry's
fingerprints off my body.
Arthur, say something wise.
Hello, there, Vivian.
Wiser, Arthur, wiser.
I know these are
troublesome times
and I just thought
you might find it helpful
to talk things
over with a doctor,
a professional person,
someone trustworthy,
a man who's been in your shoes.
Is this your idea? He
doesn't wanna bother with me.
This is ridiculous.
Look, please,
Vivian, go with Arthur.
- Maude. Maude.
- Talk to him. Do it for me.
I am responsible for
messing up your life.
- You owe me a favor.
- All right. I'll go.
- I'll go.
- All right. Come along, Vivian.
I'm sorry your relationship
with Harry Liman didn't work out.
I had my heart set in getting
a sack of fertilizer, wholesale.
I'm sure Arthur can
talk some sense into her.
I mean about men.
I mean, my, heavens men
are not all out for just one thing.
I mean, sex isn't everything.
I mean you...
Why am I talking to you for?
♪ Shrimp boats are a-coming,
they're dancing tonight ♪
Arthur, listen, why
don't I just leave?
You're busy cooking
and I'm depressed.
What I am even
doing here anyway?
- Garlic.
- What?
The little chubbies need
a touch of more garlic.
That's what I mean, you
haven't heard a word I said.
Vivian, calm down. You're
on a verge of hysteria, here.
Oh, I am not.
Your voice is emanating
from the top third
of your diaphragm.
That's one of the first...
Oh, Arthur Harmon, stop
telling me all about me,
we've known each other for 10 years
and you've never even noticed me.
Now, that's not
entirely true, Vivian.
- I have noticed you.
- When?
When?
Well, there was one time you were
sitting in a far end of Maude's coach,
sipping a diet Pepsi. There
was another time when...
Oh, that's not what I...
I really am yelling
at you, aren't I?
Yes, you are.
I'm sorry, Arthur.
Oh, Arthur, it's just that this
has been such a terrible evening.
I just don't know how
to act with men anymore.
I can never be myself.
I'm always playing a part.
You're not playing a part
now, you're being yourself.
I am being me, aren't I?
Ambrosia, oh, what
food this mortal's be?
(laughs)
I just made that up.
I do that sometimes.
And it's just my luck
this is one of those times.
- Here, have a bite.
- No, Arthur, but I...
Oh, all right.
Hmm. Oh, my
goodness, that's good.
- You like that?
- Mm-hmm.
- You really do?
- I do.
Vivian, you're a
very fine person.
- Oh.
- A little bit
tensed up perhaps.
But definitely too fine a
person to throw yourself away...
How to put it tactfully a
broken-down old geezer.
When I was one-and-twenty
I heard a wise man say
give crowns and
pounds and guineas
but not your heart away.
Give pearls away and rubies,
but keep your fancy free,
but I was one-and-twenty,
no use to talk to me.
By George, a poetry lover.
I didn't know an
attractive woman like you
could be taken with
iambic pentameter.
I've been addicted to
A.E. Housman for years.
Tell me not here it leads not saying
what tune the enchantress plays.
- In aftermaths...
- Yeah
of soft September or
under blanching made.
For she and I are long
acquainted and I know all her ways.
(laughs)
Looks as if you had me
eating right out of your hand.
(laughs)
Don't worry I'm sterile.
I mean, I just come
from operating.
I mean, I was doing the
operating not the other way around.
(laughs)
Otherwise, I'd be in stitches.
(laughs)
There I go with my
little witticisms again,
I hope you don't mind.
Oh, no, no. That's all right.
Actually, Vivian, you're
experiences to the contrary,
there are some men
who aren't just
out after one thing.
There are some of us who
might be called wet men.
Wet men?
Men whose eyes puddle
up at a beautiful sunset
or when they see
a simple eggcup,
men who appreciate
spiritual values,
poetic values, Vivian.
(screams)
Now, come on, Maude,
you can't use that.
Nixon is a proper name.
Not in this house it isn't.
Trustworthy, hell!
What happened?
What happened to you?
You should've seen the way he...
Quiet, you're
getting hysterical.
Vivian, stop.
- Now talk. What happened?
- What happened?
I had to make a run for my life.
Your Chef Boyardee turned
into the Galloping Gourmet.
Come on, Vivian.
Oh, Vivian, he didn't
really do that, did he?
He... no, no, no,
this is a cotton dress
and I've been
attacked by boll weevils.
Oh, Vivian, Vivian,
you poor thing.
Honey, I promise you I'll do
everything I can to get even with him.
- No, no, no,
he's out of my life.
- I will flatten his tires.
I'll get him.
I'll get him. This is shocking.
- It was terrible.
- This is shocking.
I mean, Arthur is
usually so conservative,
to think that a Republican
would turn into a sex fiend.
Maybe they're trying to change
their image for the next election.
I'll tell you something,
I've had it with the
Republicans and the Democrats.
All I want is some
peace and freedom.
Walter, how could
he do this to her?
I send my best friend
over for a little advice.
He treats her as though she
was sent over to clear up his acne.
Come on, Maude,
will you take it easy.
I mean, Viv's all right.
She's just shaken up a little.
Just shaken up a little?
The poor woman
comes in hysterical.
Her clothes half torn off of her
by that depraved friend of yours
and you say she's
just a little shaken up?
Anybody seen Vivian?
The darnedest thing happen,
you'll never believe what happened.
Strangest thing I
ever saw in my life,
I was cooking some
shrimp, we were talking,
Viv turned and she
slipped on the floor
and start to lose her balance,
I reached out to grab her
and just as I did, the
whole house lurched.
It's probably slippage
from the cesspool.
I really got to have
that thing pumped out.
Well, the poor girl panicked
when she felt the floor move
then she jumped up, ran into
the living room, so I'm shocked,
she got her ankle caught in
the mouth in the bear skin rug
and she fell right
down, started screaming.
Probably thought I
was biting her ankle.
I tried to help her up but the poor
woman was so hysterical that...
Well, if she's not
here, she must have...
She didn't tell you some ridiculous
story about me attacking her, did she?
Listen to me, Arthur Harmon,
Jack the Ripper had a better alibi.
Now, Maude, Walter, listen,
I spent three hours in surgery
tonight, I saved a man's life.
I wouldn't attempt
to attack a girl.
Of course he wouldn't
attempt to attack her.
- Thank you, Walter.
- He would either do it
or he wouldn't.
Well, Arthur, and what
are you doing here?
No, no, don't tell you
just came over for the kill?
Now, don't talk to like,
Vivian, I'm a doctor.
I saved a man's life tonight.
If you say that once more,
Arthur, and I'll even things up.
Just go home, Arthur. Go home.
Now, Vivian, there's been
a terrible misunderstanding.
Some misunderstanding.
I was sitting there and
you started spouting
those A.E. Housman
sex poems at me
and then you started
feeding me that fantail shrimp
and telling me how all
men are not the same
and then the next thing
I know you grabbed me.
You and your wet men.
No, no, no, no,
I didn't do that.
- You overreacted.
- I overreact?
That's why I fell over
your little black bag
as you were pushing
me down the table.
No, I didn't push
you. I grabbed you.
Ha! You admit grabbing her.
Now, Maude, stop putting
my words in my mouth.
I didn't admit grab... Walter,
did I admit grabbing her?
Don't look at me. I'm
just waiting for a bus.
(laughs)
All right. All right.
For heaven sake,
I admit grabbing her.
Arthur, get out of this house.
I don't know how you can
live yourself after this evening.
I never knew how you could
with yourself before this evening,
but that's different story.
Get out of this house.
You're just like every
other man, Arthur,
after one thing
and one thing only.
All right.
It's true I was after one
thing and one thing only,
but it's not the one
thing you thought.
No, it wasn't, Vivian.
For the first time in years, I
actually felt affection for a woman.
Why, Arthur...
Now, I'll tell you something
else, it was all your fault.
You look so damn pretty and...
over the light from
the chaffing dish
and the smell of garlic
butter, I couldn't help myself.
Arthur, I don't
know what to say...
All I want to do is
show a little affection.
I don't believe it, Walter.
I mean, it's like a
science fiction movie.
I mean, he's turning into a
human being before our very eyes.
Maude, please
let me handle this.
Arthur, I think I did overreact.
I should've known you wouldn't
do a terrible thing like that,
pushing me down
and tearing my dress.
Oh, I might. Still waters
run deep, you know.
That's probably why he's
having trouble with his cesspool.
Well, good night
- and I adored the shrimp.
- You did? You did?
Well, listen, I also have a bottle
of artichoke bottoms vinaigrette
in my refrigerator if you're
still hungry, we could...
Well, I am still hungry
and I just happened to be
crazy about artichoke bottoms.
When I was one-and-twenty
I heard him say again
the heart out of the bosom
was never given in vain,
'tis paid with sighs a plenty
and so for endless rue.
And I am two-and-twenty
and oh, 'tis true, 'tis true.
(laughs)
Did you see them, Maude?
Did you see the way they
were looking at each other?
Walter, yes, I saw.
Oh, like the phoenix.
Out of the ashes of
this evening may rise
one of the more depressing
relationships of this century.
Walter, what have I done?
What have I done?
- Come on.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Well, good night, Arturo.
Arturo?
Bon soir, cheri.
My heart is limp.
You're more tasty
than marinated shrimp.
(laughs)
No, I really mean that.
Oh, dear sweet precious man.
Where has he been all my life?
Walter, how many
points for "upchuck"?
(music playing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪