Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Double Standard - full transcript

Maude says that couples should be able to live together without being married. But then Carol returns home after a camping trip and expects her boyfriend to stay over.

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ And you're glad
she showed up ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' anything ♪

♪ But tranquilizing,
right on Maude ♪

Mm-mmm.

This is delicious.

Why, Florida, with this stew,

you really kicked my butt.

Mmm.

Oh, come on now, Florida.

You know perfectly
well that to kick one's butt

means to impress one favorably.



It's a very common
black expression.

Well, I never heard
it, but then again,

maybe I ain't been
black as long as you.

Come on, Florida,

I found it in this dictionary
of black slang expressions.

And if it isn't right, what would
I say in black ghetto language

if I wanted to impress
you favorably?

What would you say
in black ghetto talk

if you wanted to
impress me favorably?

Well, in the
blackest ghetto talk,

I believe the expression is,

"Florida, why don't you
take the rest of the day off?"

(laughing)

God will get you
for that, Florida.

- (bell dings)
- I'll get it.

It's probably Carol
and her boyfriend.

I'm coming.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Viv.

Hi.

I was expecting Carol and
her adorable new boyfriend

back from their camping trip.

Well, you can stop humming
the wedding march, Maude.

It's only me.

Oh, come on now, Viv.

I assure you I am not
humming any wedding march.

I mean if everybody who
went camping together

ended up getting married,

there'd be an awful lot of
boy scouts living together.

(laughing)

Well, anyway, if he's half
as cute as you say he is...

Oh, Viv, he is adorable.

He's 30 but he has
this kind of baby face

that makes him look top 17.

- Oh.
- Here's the vaporizer.

Oh, thanks for
letting me borrow this.

You know, Chuck took ours
with him when we split up

and he moved out of the house.

But why would Chuck
take the vaporizer?

You're the one with
the asthma attacks.

You just answered
your own question.

Fore!

- Walter, hi.
- Hi, Maude
Hi, Vivian.

Is that a vaporizer?

- Yeah.
- Having a little
respiratory trouble?

Yeah.

I begged you for years
to give up smoking,

but you never listened to me.

I've never smoked
in my life, Arthur.

No wonder you
never listened to me.

Is anyone drinking
besides Arthur?

No, thank you.

I'll split a ginger
ale with you.

- How was your game?
- Terrible.

But fortunately, Arthur
made me look good.

That's what doctors
are for, Walter,

to make people look good.

Wrong, Arthur.

Doctors make people look well.

Undertakers make
people look good.

Touche, Maude.

Well, I guess, I'll
just be running along,

Maude, Walter, - Arthur.
- Bye, Viv.

So long, Vivian.

- Thanks again, Maude.
- Oh.

And be sure to give my love
to Carol when she returns.

Oh, young love. Is it wonderful?

Isn't it true?

I certainly miss my Agnes.

I haven't had a really
good meal since she died.

Well, you know, I'm considered
to be a pretty good cook, Arthur,

so anytime you'd like to drop by

for a free home-cooked
meal, please do.

Poor, Vivian.

Kind of sad being a divorcee.

I supposed I'm lucky
being a widower.

That's nothing.

Think how lucky Agnes is.

By the way, Maude,
where is Carol?

- Is she away or something?
- Uh-huh.

Phillip is visiting his father

so Carol took the opportunity
to go on a little camping trip

with her boyfriend.

Oh, that young pediatrician
fellow from Boston.

- The one with
the camper truck?
- Uh-hmm.

So they're on a little
camping trip together, huh?

Well, well, well...

Now, look, Arthur, before
you say another "well",

Carol is 27, Chris is
30, and this is 1973.

Oh, I'm not saying
anything against Carol.

It's just that in
my day and age,

they would've had a chaperon.

Come on, Arthur,
in your day and age,

girls wore hoopskirts.

Which is probably why
they needed a chaperon.

A girl in a hoopskirt
is so easy to tip over.

Now, really, Arthur,

if you're suggesting
that Carol's morality is...

No, no, I didn't
say that, Maude.

Now, listen,
Maude, I admire you.

I really do.

You are a truly
liberated, modern woman.

Well, I thank you, Arthur.

You have a straightforward
delightful way

of looking at the complete
moral collapse of our society.

- It is not the moral collapse.
- A complete collapse.

It is totally the opposite.

It is moral honesty, Arthur.

For the very first time,
people are behaving

like happy, healthy human beings

which, of course,
leaves you out of things.

That's all right,
Maude. Go ahead.

Snicker at morality.

But I remember when Ingrid
Bergman ran off to Stromboli

with that Italian director,

people were so shocked,

she wasn't permitted to
make a movie for years.

And now, now, actresses like
Vanessa Redgrave, Mia Farrow,

can have hundreds of
babies out of wedlock,

make all the movies they want.

That's another
thing I disapprove off.

Working mothers.

Look, Arthur, if this is a conversation
between two consenting adults,

I have just stopped consenting.

It's all right, Maude.
I'm leaving anyway.

What you have to realize, Maude,

is there's no
self-discipline anymore.

There is no adult
approach to life or morals.

President Nixon
may have his faults,

but he put it in a
nutshell when he said,

"The average American
is just like a child."

Arthur, he was just
talking about his advisers.

So that's it for America, huh?

Another attack on the president

and a complete whitewash
for Vanessa Redgrave

and working mothers.

Walter, for the life of
me I cannot understand

how you picked me as a wife

and somebody like Arthur
Harmon as a best friend.

Well, it beats having it
the other way around.

And besides, sometimes
Arthur makes a lot of sense.

He's not always wrong.

(bell dinging)

We're here, out of the
woods and into the pollution.

- Hi there, everybody.
- Chris, Carol,

honey, you look marvelous.

- I feel wonderful!
- Beautiful!

I brought her back
safe and sound,

don't I deserve
some kind of reward?

You certainly do.

Mmm-mmm.

Oh, that face.

That baby pussycat face.

Mother, Chris is 30 years old.

With two-year-old skin.

You know, confidentially, Chris,
I have not seen skin like that

since the last time
I diapered Carol.

Will you leave him alone?
You're embarrassing him.

Mrs. Findlay, the
bane of my existence

is that I'm a baby doctor

that looks like
one of his patients.

(laughing)

Please, do not
contribute to that bane.

Isn't that cute?

And how can you
resist that face?

Come on, Chris. Let's have a drink
to celebrate your return to civilization.

Love one.

Oh, by the way,
here's a present for you.

For me?

Oh, what do I say?

"How nice."

Yeah. How nice.

Mother, it's a walleyed pike.

Oh, well, it's the
thought that counts

and at least it came wrapped
in the New York Times.

She's just saying that
because they're anti-Nixon.

I didn't know walleyed
pike were anti-Nixon.

Then again, why
should I be surprised?

Oh, Chris you
will stay for dinner.

Oh, thanks but I've got a long
drive ahead of me up to Boston.

Why don't you spend
the night with us

and get up early and leave then?

- Well, I really like to but...
- Oh, come on now,

you're going on that
medical seminar in Canada.

You kids won't see each
other for at least a month

so it's all settled.

- Well, I...
- You might as well give in.

When my mother says
something's settled, it's settled.

- Hmm, okay. You win.
- Good. I'll check dinner.

Oh, that face. That
face. That... ooh, ooh.

Don't look now, but we're alone?

Yes, we are, aren't we?

Carol,

can I ask you a very
personal question?

Of course.

Would you still love me
if I didn't have this skin?

No.

(laughing)

(ice shaking)

Well, I think I'll go
out and get my things.

I'll give you a hand.

Okay. I'll make a deal with you.

I'll stop staring at you if
you stop staring at me.

Say, Florida, how would you
like to take this home with you?

On the bus?

Why not? Let her
look out the window.

She'll enjoy the ride.

Better let her hang
out the window.

Oh, by the way, Carol's friend
is gonna be spending the night,

so would you change the
sheets in the guestroom?

Right away, Mrs. Findlay.

Carol!

- Oh, Florida.
- Welcome home.

Thank you.

Did you have a nice time?

- Oh, I had a wonderful time!
- Good.

Chris is staying the night.

Could you put some
men's hangers in my room?

- Sure thing, honey.
- Thanks.

I sure hope my bus is on time.

Something tells me this
ain't going to be a no place

for an innocent bystander.

I hope Chris spending the night
won't be too much trouble, Mother.

Oh, no trouble at all, honey.

Besides it will give
Walter and me a chance

- to get to know him better.
- All right.

But don't forget he's got to
get up early in the morning.

Don't worry, honey. We'll
have a very early dinner

and then just a little talk

and then I'll make sure that
you both get a good night sleep.

By the way, honey,
speaking of Chris,

do I hear wedding bells?

Mother, Chris and I care
about each other a lot.

We even think we're in love.

As for wedding bells,
only time will tell.

Only time will tell.

It's a lovely saying.

(sighs)

Then there's that
other saying about time.

It's later than you think.

Honey, if you wanna
put your things upstairs,

it's the first
room on the right.

Oh, fine.

You're using the
good silver for Chris?

- Thank you.
- Of course.

If he steals, we don't want
him to think we're cheap.

If it's all right with you, Mrs.
Findlay, I'll be going home now.

- Oh, of course. Goodnight, Florida.
- Goodnight, Florida.

Mrs. Findlay,

I changed the linen in the
guestroom like you asked me.

Oh, thank you, Florida.

And I put men's hangers in
your room like you asked, Carol.

And may the best room win.

Carol, why did Florida put
men's hangers in your room?

Well, why did you change
the sheets in the guestroom?

Because they were dirty.

Mother, you do realize that Chris
is staying so we can be together.

Oh, of course I do, honey. I
wouldn't have it any other way.

Say, Carol, you sure
have a nice room.

Look, Chris, Carol, why don't the two
of you just go and sit down, and relax,

and I'll go into the bedroom
and check on dinner.

I mean the kitchen.

Carol, your mother isn't uptight
about my staying here, is she?

No, my mother is the most
modern woman I know.

(dish breaking)

Dinner will be ready
in just a few minutes.

Mother, you're not upset because
Chris and I are staying here?

I'm not? I mean I'm not.

Are you sure? I mean I
can sleep in the camper.

Oh, please, Chris,
don't be ridiculous.

Look, Carol, you've
known me for 27 years.

You know that I am a
completely emancipated mother.

So welcome to my home, Chris.

And the two of you are
gonna stay together upstairs

for better or worse
and that's that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll go back into the bedroom

and finish dinner.

Walter...

Maude, you're not
bothered by this?

I'm not bothered.

- I want you to level with me.
- I am not bothered.

Why should I be bothered?

I'm a completely modern mother.

Carol is 27. Chris is 30.

This is 1973.

Oh, Walter, Walter,
not under my own roof.

(guitar strumming)

♪ So don't take ♪

♪ My sunshine ♪

♪ A-waay ♪

♪ No, please, don't take ♪

♪ My sunshine away ♪

One more time.

♪ Oh, please don't take ♪

♪ My sunshine ♪

♪ A-waay ♪

(string squeaks)

Very nice.

(guitar strumming)

♪ You are my sunshine ♪

Oh Mother, isn't it about
time we went to bed?

But I'm not the least bit tired.

You know, I could go
on like this for hours.

You already have.

Why don't you let
the kids go upstairs?

Carol, you talk
about women's lib,

do you know that we were
singing this 30 years ago?

♪ There once was a union made ♪

- Mother I am going
to bed.
- No!

Maude, I've got kind of a hunch
about what you're trying to do.

You guessed it. Charades.

You must have been
reading my mind.

- Maude.
- Oh, come on,
sweetheart,

you know how well I sleep after
a strenuous game of charades.

I was about to
say I'm all for it.

- I love charades.
- You mean you wanna play?

Sure. But I want to go
first. I got a great one.

Oh, wonderful.

Okay, everybody, sit
down. This is exciting.

Come on. Okay.

Go.

One word.

Two syllables.

First syllable.

Halo?

Halo... holy?

Gentle?

MAUDE: Nice?

Good? Good?

Good? Good.

Don't worry, team.
We'll get it. Yeah.

Second syllable.
Second syllable.

(patting)

Rhythm? Rhythm.

Rock 'n' roll?

- (patting)
- Rhythm... on the range.

Horse! Horse?

What? A cowboy?

Cowboy?

Swordsman, swordsman
on horseback?

Swordsman on horseback.

Musketeer. Musketeer?

It sounds like musketeer.

Doesn't sound.
Sounds like. What?

Sounds... punch. Punch.

Hit! Hit!

Fights. Fight. Fight?

Sounds like fight? Fight?

Night! Night!

Goodnight! Goodnight!

Goodnight, Maude.

CAROL: I don't believe
it. I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

What do you mean you don't
believe it? What don't you believe?

You're stalling. That's
what I don't believe.

Stall? Why should I be stalling?

Well, it could be because
you'd be a lot happier

if Carol and I didn't
stay here tonight.

Oh, come on, Chris.
Don't be ridiculous.

There's an old
Spanish expression,

"Mi casa es su casa."

What does that mean?

How do I hell do I know?
Ask an old Spaniard.

Mommy, you're
not fooling anybody.

Look, Carol, why don't I
just drive up to Boston tonight

and get an early start?

Good idea. If I wasn't
so tired, I'd go with you.

Mother, look, Chris and I won't
see each other for four weeks.

We would like to be alone.

Then be alone.

Be alone all over the
place for all that I care.

Mother, I love you but
you're driving me crazy.

Now, look, we're gonna go
upstairs, get our things, and leave.

All right, go.

Maude.

Oh, Walter, Walter, Walter.

It's all right. It's all right.

How could you do this to me?

What did I do?

I just threw my own
daughter out of the house.

You didn't even raise
a hand to stop me

and you should have
stopped me, Walter.

It would be easier to stop
the Green Bay Packers.

You're basically
average, Walter.

- Maude.
- Average.

Maude, it's all over.
They're leaving.

I don't want them to go.

Then why did you try
to keep us up all night?

Because I talk one
way and I act another.

I'm a hypocrite,
Walter. Admit it.

I'm a hypocrite!

Okay. You're a hypocrite.

If I want a parrot,
I'll buy one.

But Maude, don't be so upset.

This discussion is happening
in houses all over the country.

I know, Walter, but I
don't wanna impose

the views of my
generation on Carol.

I mean, let's face it.

Our whole generation's
a mess anyway.

I mean, for instance, how many
people do you know at the club

who are married
and fooling around?

And I don't mean
with each other.

Why a couple of other women
even made some passes at me.

That's exactly
what... Names, Walter.

Maude, one argument at a time.

What about that morality
lecture you gave Arthur?

And why should this thing
with Chris and Carol bother you?

It obviously didn't bother you
when she spent four days with him

on a camping trip, right, Maude?

Wrong, Walter.

When Carol told me she
was thinking about going off

with Chris for four
days in a camper,

I put a tooth mark in my tongue
that will take 10 years to heal.

You, Maude Findlay?

Oh, Walter. I'm a square.

I mean I may not
always practice it

but I believe in the
old fashioned things:

in the ring, in the vows,

in the license, in the ceremony,

and the wedding
bed and in that order.

I'm Maude Findlay.

In my heart, I'm Arthur Harmon.

Promise, you won't
tell the neighbors.

Maude, you don't have to
be ashamed of what you are.

There's got to be millions of
mothers facing this problem

who feel exactly the
same way you do.

Walter, it's so old fashioned.

And what's wrong
with old fashioned?

These feelings that you have
are just as honest and valid today

as they were a
hundred years ago.

Oh, Walter.

I am stuck with both
feet in my generation.

I wanna have at
least one in Carol's.

Sweetheart, if that's
what you really want,

then tell Carol and Chris
you want them to stay.

(sighs)

Thank you, Walter. I don't
know why I didn't think of that.

Okay. You, two,

now, just where do
you think you're going?

We're leaving, mother.

No, I thought it all over and
you're staying here and that's that.

Mother, please, let's not
open up that can of peas again.

No, you're not
leaving. Not this way.

Mother, please,
get out of the way.

No.

Chris, will you please get
my mother out of the way?

Maude.

Look, Carol, it's
been a long evening.

I've been patient,
polite, sang folk songs,

I did all this for you under
very trying circumstances,

so, please don't ask me
to beat up your mother.

Oh, come on, kids. Now, look,

I refuse to be upset about the two
of you staying here in my own house.

I mean Lord only knows
what went on in that camper.

Strike that.

Maude, do you realize
what you're asking?

You're asking Carol
and me to stay upstairs

to prove that you're
a modern mother.

Look, after all the trouble you brought
into this house, you owe me a favor.

Mother, do you
honestly think Chris and I

could stay in this house
with you after all of this?

You're right. Walter,
get your toothbrush.

We're leaving.

I'm not going anywhere.

Come on. Walter, we
can stay in the camper.

You always said you
wanted to get closer to nature.

During the day, Maude,
not in the middle of the night.

There could be a big
black dog out there.

Mother, maybe we'd
better go in the kitchen.

I'll be right back.

Gee, time sure flies
when you're having fun.

Okay. Carol, who talks first?

Mother, none of this
would have happened

if you hadn't
asked Chris to stay.

Oh, come on now, Carol, you
could have stayed in separate rooms.

What are you talking about? I
couldn't just sleep in another room.

I'd feel like a hypocrite.

The truth is I didn't want
him to stay in the first place.

Oh, come on. Now, Carol,
you are totally confusing me.

Well, it's not
your fault, Mother.

It has nothing to do with you.

It's me.

I never even realized it until
just a little while ago but...

Well, I guess that's the reason I
never asked him to stay before.

Not with you upstairs
right across the hall,

not under my own mother's roof.

Do you realize
what you just said?

Oh, of course, I
realize what I said.

I said it, didn't I?

So you're not the only
one who's old fashioned.

You don't have to feel guilty.

Look, if I wanna feel
guilty, I'll feel guilty.

It cleanses my soul.

Some people take
laxatives, I take guilt.

Well, I guess I'm just
a chip off the old block.

Oh, honey.

You know, you and
I are exactly alike.

Remember last year when Walter
and I stayed at my mother's house?

She was right
across the hall, too.

Do you know I wouldn't
even let Walter kiss me?

I treated him like
he was someone

who just climbed in
through the window.

Good night, mother.

Honey, are you sure you're not
leaving just to let me off the hook?

I'm sure.

We won't see each
other for four weeks.

We'd really like to be alone.

Scouts honor?

Oh, Carol, if you
ever have a daughter,

I hope she's lucky enough
to turn out just like you.

Thank you.

And for her sake, I hope
her mother turns out like me.

- Mother! Mother!
- Wake up. Come on. Everybody up!

- Mother, mother -
Come on. Everybody.

- What's the matter?
- Wake up, wake up, wake up.

What's wrong? What
happened? What? What?

- I have something to tell you.
- What? Oh, come on.

Now, look to wake us up at 4:00
in the morning, this better be good.

Good. It's gonna be great.

I don't know what
you'll think about it

but Carol and I
are out of our skulls.

Tell them, Carol.

Chris and I are engaged.

(patting)

Walter, oh, wonderful.

Congratulations.

- You, you...
- Maude, please.

Oh, honey, I'm so happy.

Maude, would you
mind if I stay over?

Maude? Are you kidding?

I wouldn't have
it any other way.

Come on, Carol. Let's
fix the guestroom for him.

(music playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on Maude ♪

(music playing)