Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 24 - The Runaway - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪

Arthur, where are you?

You and Viv was supposed
to pick us up 20 minutes ago.

Yeah, and don't tell me you got
passionate during dinner again?

Again?

Yeah, well tell Viv to
stop sprinkling vitamin E

on your artichokes.



And I really regret the day
I ever recommended that.

(Walter) Maude, I can't
find my white suspenders!

Honey, you won't be
doing the driving tonight.

You can hold your
pants up with your hands.

Now come on,
Walter, get down here.

Now look, Arthur, Walter
did not put out $50 per ticket

to take us to a theater benefit

just so you could
be a half hour late.

Now get over here, will you?

Crying out loud, Maude, what
did you do with my suspenders?

Walter, why am I responsible
for your suspenders?

Because you want me to put
things where I can't find them,

always, Maude.

You always put things
where I can't find them.

You're right, Walter.

And I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Actually if you want
your suspenders,

you'll find them
hanging off the roof.

I find them very handy
for washing the basement

and second story
windows at the same time.

- Maude.
- I'm sorry. Honey,
I'll help you find them.

You know, we're gonna be late, I'm
gonna miss all the guest celebrities.

- Come on.
- No.

Everybody who is anybody
is gonna be there tonight.

Durward Kirby, Pupi
Campo, Carmelita Pope,

Arlene Francis,

the entire panel from
"What's My Line?"

Oh, you don't care
if I miss all the fun.

Pupi Campo?

Well, go on.

I can't.

Get moving, Francie,
what are you waiting on?

I thought you told me you'd
have no trouble pulling this hustle.

Hinkley, would you cool it?

It ain't gonna be easy
to outtalk Maude Findlay.

She's the world's champ.

She's got a bigger mouth
than Muhammad Ali.

Okay.

But just make sure
you lay it on real good

about your father
beating you up.

Why can't I just
tell her the truth?

Because why gamble on the truth

when we got such a
good honest lie? Huh?

Hinkley, I don't feel good
about lying to Mrs. Findlay.

I lived there for two weeks.

Sure you can.

It's our future.

I mean, don't you think
I'm gonna feel rotten too,

hiding out there behind the
bush when I should be in there

helping you pick her clean?

Hinkley, you do love me, right?

I told you I am your main man.

Now don't forget to let her
see the bandages. Okay?

Now get in there and
sob your heart out.

Well, here goes our future.

(doorbell rings)

Well, it's about time.

Francie, Francie Potter.

(wailing)

Francie, is there
something wrong?

I should have never come here,

just forget you ever saw me.

Okay?

I mean, just forget
you ever saw me.

Well, okay, if that's
what you want.

Actually we were on our
way to the theater anyway.

Oh, don't hold me.

Don't force it out of me.

It's too personal, too private.

Oh, you don't care
about a poor black girl

who just walked 35
miles from the ghetto

with something personal
and private eating away at her,

but you are curious, aren't you?

Oh, why me?

Why me?

Hmm, I was about to
ask the same question.

Francie, you are in trouble.

Now honey, why don't
you tell me all about it?

That's why I'm here for.

Well, this is just something
that you just come right out

and talk about just like that.

Oh, good.

Because we're on our way to
the theater and we're late now.

So, honey, why don't you just lie
down there, cry your little heart out.

When we get back from the
theater, we'll have a good long talk.

No.

It'll be too late then.

Francie, Francie, are
you in trouble with a gang?

Are they getting together and
getting ready for a ramble tonight?

Oh, Walter, I hope they're not
coming after her with a switch knife.

Maude, come here.

Maude, can you come here?

Has it occurred to you that
she may just be in trouble?

Oh, come on, Walter,
the child's only 16.

Almost 17.

Just because she comes from the
ghetto doesn't mean that she knows...

Francie, are you with child?

No, I came here alone.

It's my father, Mrs. Findlay.

He's been beating me.

Oh, no, Francie.

You mean he went
upside your head?

Mrs. Findlay, you'll
understand better

if we talk white people's talk.

He's beating the hell out of me.

Francie.

Hello, everybody.
Better late than never.

- Maude, I could just
strangle you.
- Oh, not now Vivian, please.

What's the big idea
of making us rush

- over here like this?
- Vivian, please.

Just look at my
hair, it's a disaster.

Well, look, at the
bright side, Vivian,

it matches your gown.

You both remember
Francie Potter.

Well, well, well Francie Potter.

Maude's little experiment
in race relations.

It didn't work, you know,
Francie, Maude's still white.

Come on, Francie, we'll have
a little chitchat in the kitchen.

What's going on here?

First you rush us over
here and then you run off...

Please, Vivian, this
is an emergency.

Fix your hair.

Well, what can you
expect with a woman

who has suspenders
hanging from the roof?

Okay. Now Francie,

come on, you
tell me all about it.

Well, Mrs. Findlay,

I was gonna come
in here and lie to you.

But you're too nice.

Besides, what's
the sense of lying?

You know me too well.

Thank you, dear.

I mean, I live in the
suburbs, but it's true,

my heart's in the ghetto.

Right.

Anyway... oh.

Honey, what's the matter?

Oh, it's nothing,
just a little bruise.

A little bruise?
Francie, let me look at...

No.

They took care of it in the
emergency ward already.

My father did it.

That's why I'm running
away from home.

Oh, Francie, running away?

Honey, what about your mother?

Oh, she wanted
to come along, too.

But she's 53, she's too slow.

Maude.

Walter, I found out
what's troubling the child.

She is running away from home

because of her
father's beatings.

Oh, come on Francie, why
would your father beat you?

Poor him this guy did honky.

Walter you know nothing
about the child's environment.

She's a victim of the
battered child syndrome.

I read all about
it in "McCall's."

As a matter of fact I think I
might still have the article.

It's on the back of the recipe,

"1,001 ways to disguise
elbow macaroni."

Maude, Walter, let's go.

We'll miss all of the
pre-show activities in the lobby.

Arthur Harmon,
Francie is more important

than watching Doc
Severinsen put his mouthpiece

in a time capsule.

We're missing that?

Darn it, Maudie and hurry up.

Look, Francie dear,
you can tell me.

Now your father,
the one who beat you,

had he been drinking?

Yeah.

Oh, how did you know?

Oh, this afternoon he
came home bloodshot

from head to toe.

He slammed the door
so hard, the lights went on,

that's when he hit me.

But why?

That's when he saw me.

Then he picked up my
brother's little league baseball bat.

The one we used
to stun the roaches.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Maude, I wanna talk
to you. Come here.

Maude, can you come
with me? I wanna talk to you.

Walter, not now.

I am going to call the
police and report that man.

Maude, there wasn't
one shred of evidence

that she's telling the truth.

Walter, Francie loves
me, she would not lie to me.

A baseball bat to
stun the roaches?

Yeah, that's why
they're such good hitters.

- Maude, Walter, we're gonna
wait in the car.
- Arthur.

If you're not out
there in five minutes

after all you've put us through,

we're leaving without
you and that's that.

Nobody's gonna spoil my evening.

Arthur.

By the by, old buddy,

and since we're
your guests tonight,

could you let me have the
tickets you bought for us?

Yeah, sure, old buddy.

Thanks, chum.

Oh, I mean it, five minutes
or we're leaving without you

and that's final.

I'm sorry, Walter.

It occurred to me,

it must have sound very
unreasonable what I said.

Why should I put you
on a five minute deadline?

We'll go right now, you
can take your own car.

Give my regards to Broadway.

What do you mean give
your regards to Broadway?

We're going to the theater.

Not as long as that child is
in trouble we are not going.

All right, Francie,

now you tell me, dear,
what can we do to help?

Maude!

All she's asking for is a
little love and understanding.

- And $300.
- And $300.

- $300.
- Aha.

The money is just a loan

so I can start a new life.

I wanna go live with
my friend in Los Angeles,

an older friend, an adult.

Francie, you're only 16.

Almost 17.

I can't go back
home to my father.

He'll kill me.

Well, you're right.

You don't have much of a choice.

Oh, little Francie Potter

all grown up and
starting a new life,

oh, seems like only yesterday

she was a little tiny baby.

Maude, you've only
known her three months.

How would you like to
hold your breath that long?

Now look, Francie,

we're going to give you
a start, aren't we Walter?

No.

He's such a tease.

Look, Francie dear, why
don't you help yourself?

After your beating,
you must be hungry.

Oh, good, you're
calling the police.

- No, the Potters.
- You can't do that, Walter.

Maude, that child's running away
from home is breaking up a family

and I'm not gonna
be any party to that.

Oh, hello, Mr. Potter,
this is Walter Findlay.

Listen, your daughter is here, we
have theater tickets and we want...

Mr. Potter, you're a beast.

Someday when you sober
up you'll thank me for this.

His breath reeks of
liquor even on the phone.

You're making a big mistake.

Francie dear, you are
going to get your $300

and that's a promise.

- Maude?
- Oh, come on now, Walter.

She's going there
to live with an adult.

It's not like she'll be alone.

Honey, how much cash
do you have on you?

Not nearly enough.

Well, Arthur usually
has a lot of cash,

possibly between
him and Viv, you and...

We'll, we'll got you
the money, dear.

Now, why don't you just
sit down and enjoy yourself

and we'll be back right after
the theater with the money.

And if we hurry,
maybe we can still catch

one of Johnny Carson's ex-wives.

Hinkley, come on in,
we're gonna get the $300

and we got the whole
house to ourselves.

What you say? What you say?

How could you leave
the headlights on again?

This is the fourth
time this year

that you've killed my battery.

Walter, will you quit crying long
enough to call the automobile club?

Just mention my
name they'll understand.

(Hinkley and Francie) ♪
California, here we come ♪

♪ California ♪

Francie!

Back from the theater so soon.

Oh, my, how time flies.

It certainly does particularly

when you're making
whoopee with the adult

you're going to be
living with in California.

(mumbling)

Francie Potter, how could
you do this to me? How?

All right. So your father
beats you, so he's cruel.

I can accept that.

But I cannot accept the
fact that you deceived me

into giving me you $300 to go
off on a whoopee trip to California.

Just so that you
can, can... Shack up.

Please Walter, not
in front of the children.

Mrs. Findlay,

I mean, you have
the wrong impression

about the kind of dude I am.

Look, Mr. Dude.

Mrs. Findlay.

Come on, Francie,

you know darn well I wouldn't
have given you the money

for anything like this.

But we're going to be married.

I don't care if you
gave me a thousand...

Married?

Oh, Walter.

Walter, they're
going to be married.

Maude, she's only 16.

Oh no, you're right.

Francie, honey, come
over here, sit down with me.

I wanna talk to you.

Oh, Francie, I know
it sounds so romantic

getting married,
running off to California.

But, honey, what are you gonna
do when the money runs out?

Remember, when the landlord
comes through the door,

love flies out the window.

Or is it the other way around?

Well, anyway, I know because I
was first married when I was 17.

That's almost my age.

Was it a nice
wedding, Mrs. Findlay?

Oh, no, it's...

Well, Francie, this
has nothing to do...

We honeymooned
at Lake Pottawatomie,

in the back of a pickup truck.

Oh, I also...

Oh, come on, now,
Francie, don't do this to me.

Oh, Walter, don't
you see they're young

and they're in love.

Maude!

Mr. Findlay, you heard her,

she said she first got
married when she was 17.

That's different. She was
making a career out of it.

Now Francie, and even
though you're almost 17.

I mean, you've... I don't think
you know what you're doing.

Francie, you can't just run
off with no thought, no plan.

Oh, oh, that's the part
I was saving for last.

Hinkley planned for our future

so our life will be
financially secure.

You see, we're breaking
into rock and roll.

And we're gonna go to
Hollywood and record for Motown.

Mo who?

Motown, it's a record company.

- Me and Hinkley's a group.
- Yeah.

The Electric Shortcake. Oh!

You mean electric fruitcake.

Go to Hollywood and make
a million dollars overnight?

Come on.

We don't expect to become
millionaires overnight.

It's a long hard grind.

It's gonna take us
maybe two or three weeks.

That long?

Well sure, I mean, you can't
just rush into these things,

even when you got
talent like me and Hinkley.

Hey, come on,
Hinkley, let's show them.

Okay.

I'm the only rock and roll
spoons player in the world.

(drumming)

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three.

♪ Yankee Doodle went to town ♪

♪ Riding on a pony ♪

♪ He stuck a
feather in his hat ♪

♪ He called it macaroni ♪

(vocalizing)

(whistles)

Hold it!

Maude.

Did you hear that?

I like them.

Wait a second.

Has anybody in the record
business ever heard you play?

No, man, but
that's what so cool.

We're total unknowns.

Can I see you in the kitchen?

Yankee Doodle, toot, toot, toot.

Walter, they are really rotten.

But, Walter, who
are we to say...

I mean the closest we've
ever come to rock and roll

is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Maude, they don't have a chance.

Oh, Walter, who knows?

Who would ever dream

that Frankie Laine would make
all that money singing "Mule Train"?

♪ Mule Train, hah,
clippetty-clop, clippetty-clop ♪

♪ Clippetty, clippetty, hah! ♪

- Maude.
- Hah!

- Maude? Maude?
- Hah! Hah! Hah! Clop, clop.

Maude!

That's not Frankie
Laine out there,

that's a couple of kids caught
up in a Hollywood fantasy.

Oh, Walter, wait.

No more waiting.

Look, I'm sorry, kids, but
we're not giving you a nickel.

Walter.

But Mrs. Findlay promised.

You're right. Mrs.
Findlay promised

and Mrs. Findlay is going
to give you her own money.

Maude, I forbid it!

Walter, she has no alternative.

She's a little child
from the ghetto,

she can't go home,

and she's too
short to play center

for the Harlem Globetrotters.

Maude!

Walter!

Do they always hustle
each other like this?

Oh, yeah. Ain't it cool?

Yeah.

Maude, if you insist
on giving her money,

I'm warning you.

As your husband I'll have
to take the proper action.

Oh, what are you
going to do, Walter?

Beat me? Hit me
like Francie's father?

I'll, I'll call a cop.

(doorbell rings)

I think Francie is entitled to
this one chance of happiness

and I am gonna make sure
that she never has to meet

that drunken monster
father of hers again.

I'm Francie's father.

Then you heard what I said.

- (shouting)
- No.

- You called my father?
- You called her father?

Listen, I'll wait in the kitchen

until cooler heads
prevail. Okay?

It's a pleasure to
meet you, Mr. Potter.

Francie, you're coming
home with me right now.

Don't you dare lay a
hand on her helpless head,

you drunken sot.

What did you say?

How dare you inflict
your mindless cruelties

on this innocent child.

Woman, what are
you talking about?

You cowards are all the same,

always picking on
the defenseless.

Well, go ahead and hit me.

(laughs)

I dare you to hit me

with my husband
standing right there.

Maude, please.

Why doesn't he pick on
someone his own size?

There isn't anyone his size.

Now look here, Mrs. Findlay...

Don't you Mrs. Findlay
me, you big barge.

Your drunken child
beating days are over.

Woman, will you shut up?

Walter, did you hear what this
monster actually said to me?

Yes, he said, "Woman,
will you shut up"

a very common expression
frequently heard in our bedroom.

I don't know where you
got the idea that I drink.

I've got an ulcer.

Have you ever heard of
anybody getting drunk on Maalox?

And what's this about
me beating up on my girl?

Francie, I never hit you.

Well, only because you
was afraid you'd kill me.

Francie, you lied to me.

I had to.

The truth would not
been worth $300.

Now listen here.

Wait a minute, me first.

Walter, pour
Mr. Potter a Maalox.

Francie, I went to bat for you.

I even fought with my husband.

But you do that anyway.

That's beside the point.

I trusted you because I
thought you were my friend.

Well friends like you
are a dime a dozen

and they're overpriced,
who needs it.

Walter, call a cab.
We're going to the theater.

I'm sorry, Mrs.
Findlay, really I am.

I didn't wanna lie to you.

Oh, sure you didn't.

No, no. Hinkley said that if
I can get the money for him

he would marry me
and take me to California.

Francie, do you mean

that you are dumb enough
to let a ding-a-ling like Hinkley

talk you into a thing like this?

Hinkley's no ding-a-ling.

You're right, honey.

You're the ding-a-ling.

I mean, letting him talk
you into doing something

against your better
judgment just because

you are afraid that was the only
way you could hang on to him?

Hinkley's gone.

No, he's not.

He wouldn't go without me.

Hey, Hinkley, Hinkley.

I guess I am the ding-a-ling.

Mr. Potter, would you
excuse us for a minute?

You know, girl talk.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

Francie, I'll wait for
you out in the car.

Oh, Francie.

The Hinkleys in our
lives really hurt don't they?

You know there's
even a name for them,

stinkers.

Of course, I could talk
to you woman to woman

and tell you that
we do get over them

but that wouldn't make
you feel any better, would it?

I just hope the next time you
contemplate one of these whoopee trips

that you come and
we talk it over first.

Good night, Mrs. Findlay.

Thank you.

Well, that's show business.

Well, Maude,

looks like she learned a lesson.

Oh, wrong, Walter.

Bless her heart she's
still lying through her teeth.

All that boy has to
do is rattle the spoons

and she'll be off like a shot.

Oh, I just hope Hinkley's
really gone for good.

Oh, don't worry, Maude.

I'm positive he's going off
to pursue his musical career.

How can you be sure?

When he left, he took every
damn spoon in the kitchen.

That's show business.