Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 20 - Florida's Goodbye - full transcript
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
If I told you once,
I told you 50 times,
you change your oil,
you put antifreeze
in your radiator
and you check your battery.
And if I told you once,
I've told you 50 times,
you should have
married Andy Granatelli.
The coldest day of the
year and your car won't start.
How can you be so careless
not checking your battery?
The battery was fine yesterday.
And so was the weather.
How can a battery die overnight?
Why not? People do.
Of course, but
people do not come
with 36 month
warranties from Sears.
Look, Nanook.
Would you mind removing
your Siberian toe slippers?
And don't worry about the
car, I'll call Eddie's Garage.
Maude, where are
my reading glasses?
Where they always
are sweetheart, lost.
Come on, Maude,
you know I always keep
my reading glasses
in the dress drawer.
Now, what happened to them?
I bet you Florida moved them.
You know, she's been
behaving very strangely lately.
I think its change of life.
You think everything's
change of life.
Has to be something.
You know, the other day
when she did the laundry
she puts starch in my bra.
You got to be kidding.
No, yesterday I
walked around all day
pointing at the ceiling.
Something is definitely
happening with Florida.
Something in her mind.
Well, now that you mention it,
the other morning she
spilled hot coffee down
to my leg, boy, did it hurt.
Did you ever wear
a starched bra?
Maude, my glasses.
How am I gonna read
the morning paper?
Forget about it, it
would only depress you.
I mean, the way
things are going today
I wouldn't put a newspaper
in the bottom of a bird cage.
Oh, Carol. Boy, do I
have bad news for you.
Oh?
Maude's car is conked
out in the driveway
and I don't think you'll be
able to get to work today.
Okay. Now, what's the bad news?
Carol, I thought
you liked your job.
Last Sunday you told
me you love your work.
I do, on Sundays.
Florida, you're
gonna tell them today.
All right, Henry. All right.
I know you, woman.
Every day for the last
week you've been saying,
"Oh, I'll tell them, Henry."
On Monday you said, "Oh,
Henry, I'll tell them tomorrow."
On Tuesday you said,
"Oh, Henry, I'll tell
them later in the week."
On Thursday you said,
"Oh, Henry, I forgot."
You all know my
husband, oh, Henry.
Hello, Henry.
Hi, Henry, what's going on?
Florida has got some news.
Go on, tell them.
Tell us what?
Nothing.
Go on. Break it to them.
There's ain't your everyday
easy news to break.
Florida, are you gonna tell
them or am I gonna tell them?
Cool it, Henry.
Now, don't go
humbugging me, woman.
Buzz off, Henry.
Don't you know when you
work for somebody a long time,
you get to love them.
And when you love
somebody you just don't up
and say you're quitting...
Hmm, you're quitting, really?
Florida, is there
something wrong?
Did something happen?
Well, I'll tell you
what happened.
Last week Henry got
promoted down at the firehouse
with a real nice raise,
and so we figured
out after all these years
I won't have to work anymore.
I can stay home with
my husband, my children.
And my house like I always said,
Henry may not be the
handsomest man in the world,
but he is a good provider.
You know something, Florida,
since you've been
working for Maude,
your lip done grown
a full three inches.
I'm gonna miss you, Florida.
No more than I'm
gonna miss you, honey.
Oh, that's terrific, Florida.
Congratulations, Henry.
Thank you, Walter.
Now see, Florida,
it wasn't so bad
to tell them, was it?
Wait a minute, Henry,
this is only the tail end
on the batting order.
I still got to face the slugger.
You mean Maude?
She'll be no problem.
She'll be thrilled for you.
That's easy for you to say,
you're only the husband
and the daughter.
You ain't close
to her like I am.
Well, what she's
gonna do? Kill you?
Henry, when I tell
that woman I'm leaving,
I could just hear her in
that Joan Crawford voice.
Oh, Florida, darling.
We love you so
much, you're like family.
And then she'll shove
a Martini into my hand
and while she's
pouring and I'm drinking
before I know it she'll
sweet talk me into reenlisting.
You know what your
trouble is, Florida?
You're afraid to tell
them, you're chicken.
I'd rather be a live
chicken than a dead duck.
Of course you'll leave
that jive to Redd Foxx.
- I'll see you later, hear?
- Okay, love.
- Bye, Henry.
- Bye now.
- Bye, Henry.
- Take it easy, Walter.
Well, I might as
well face the music.
♪ Who's afraid of
the big bad Maude? ♪
♪ The big bad Maude,
the big bad Maude? ♪
- (phone ringing)
- ♪ Who's afraid of the big... ♪
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Findlay residence.
Oh, hello, Mother.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yes, Mother. Look, Mother,
I have my work to do, could
you call back a little later?
I know, Mother, but... yes,
yes... that's tough, Mother.
Who is that, Florida?
Your mother.
Oh.
Now look, Florida,
what were Mr. Findlay's
reading glasses
doing in with my nylon panties?
I don't know.
Maybe he was trying to
read the washing instructions.
- Look, Mrs. Findlay...
- Florida,
you better get a
grip on yourself.
Okay. Okay. So I
made one little mistake.
Now look, Florida, if
you can't take a little
constructive criticism maybe...
Listen, have you tried hormones?
There you go again
blaming everything
on change of life.
If Phillip skinned his knee,
you would holler menopause.
Now look, not having menopause
is a very flimsy excuse.
Now, you have a
job to do, Florida,
and I expect a day's
work for a day's pay.
And I give you a day's work.
Yes, but it takes
you a week to do it.
Stop beating around the bush.
Why don't you
come out and say it?
Ask me to leave,
kick me out, fire me,
isn't that what
you're trying to say?
Don't tell me what I'm
trying to say, Florida?
No, you won't have to
put up with me much longer
'cause I'm quitting.
Well, here we go again.
All right. Florida,
you've had your little laugh.
I'm sorry I yelled
at you. I apologize.
That is not why I'm leaving.
Of course, that's it.
Don't tell me what's it.
I know what's it.
What's it is I'm leaving.
Florida, why can't... How
can you do this to me?
Why won't you accept my apology?
If you just listen.
Florida, don't you realize
how close we've been?
- You've been our family.
- Will you let me
say something, please?
I mean, I don't even think
of you as an employee.
- Maude.
- Or even a friend.
Florida, don't you know
what you are, you're my sister.
Oh, brother.
Now, Florida, it
has to be something
I've said or something I've done
or you wouldn't be
spouting this nonsense.
It is not nonsense.
Did it ever occur to
you that I may be quitting
because of me and not you?
That I might have
a family of my own,
a house of my own,
and a life of my own?
I may belong to
you from 9:00 to 5:00
but the rest of the
time I belong to me.
And from now on, me
is going to be fulltime.
I could raise my children
and look after my husband.
Oh, you really must hate me.
Hate you?
Oh, pulling that soap
opera stuff on me,
playing on my
sympathy, really, Florida,
I never thought
you'd stoop this low.
For the last time, it has
nothing to do with you.
You know the trouble with
you is when your mouth is open
it closes your ears.
When are they gonna
get here to fix the battery?
As soon as the weather clears.
That could be next spring.
That's soon enough for me.
Mother, did Florida tell you?
Tell me what?
Well, that Henry got a
promotion and she's retiring?
You mean...
You mean you
really are quitting?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I mean, didn't you think
that you could come right out
and tell me without giving me...
all this nonsense
about change of
life and everything?
Then you really are quitting?
That's the general idea.
Oh, Florida, oh, well,
I'm happy for you.
I'm really happy
for you, Florida.
Now, you're gonna have
so much fun taking care
of your own house and
your own family living
your own life having... sit
down, I'll make you a Martini.
Oh, no, you don't.
Maybe later?
Mother.
Just think, Florida, maybe you'll
have your own housekeeper.
No, thanks, I don't want
nobody putting starch in my bra.
Maude, you're not
too upset, are you?
You're not gonna
cry, are you, mother?
Me? Cry?
Why would I cry?
Carol, come on, I'm a grown
up mature sensible woman.
We'll find someone else.
I mean, even though Florida
say she's leaving in a week,
I'm sure she'll stay
on longer, you know,
till we get her an
adequate replacement.
Maude, it took you six
months to find Florida.
I know, dear.
Now, let see, does Florida
take one or two olives
in her Martini?
- Oh.
- Hi, Carol, where you've been?
Oh, shopping. You
wanna see something cute?
Look.
Oh, it's out of sight.
Aren't they gonna be a little
too tight around the heart?
Not at all.
Well, you're gonna
get whistled at.
I don't see why,
they're for Philip.
Well, that's too bad.
You just brought
tears to the eyes
of 50,000 truck drivers.
Where's mother?
Where she's been all
week, inside interviewing
another applicant
to replace Florida.
Another one? How
many does that make?
Oh, I think she just broke
McDonald's hamburger record.
We don't have this much
trouble picking a president.
Naturally, we're more
particular when we pick a maid.
And this is my kitchen.
This is my sink.
This is my refrigerator,
this is my oven.
This is my daughter,
this is my husband.
If you'll follow me,
I'll show you the
rest of the house.
I don't believe it, I
didn't even get a chance
- to see the woman's face.
- What's the difference?
You'll never see it again.
I can tell, she's
another reject.
If you ask me, mother
is rejecting everyone
because subconsciously
she can't bear
the thought of
replacing Florida.
Maybe it would help if
she thought of Florida
as a husband, she's never
had any trouble replacing them.
Naturally, she's more
particular when she picks a maid.
(humming)
Florida, what are you doing?
My last tango in Tuckahoe.
This is my V-day.
At 5:00, it will be
V for vamoose.
Oh, do I envy you.
What are you gonna do
tomorrow now that you're retiring?
Well, first thing when I
wake up in the morning,
I'm gonna loll around in bed.
Take my own sweet time
and not get up until 5:00 AM.
Then I'm gonna fix
Henry's breakfast
and get the children
dressed and off to school.
Make the beds, scrub
the floors, do the laundry,
and then clean the house.
No offense folks, my house.
Mm-hmm.
At the rate mother's going,
we're not gonna have
anybody to replace you.
I wonder what she'll
find wrong with this one.
I'll bet a dollar
on left-handed.
You're on, I'll
go with too tall.
Didn't she use too tall
on that Swedish
midget yesterday?
Yeah, yeah. I'll change
my bet to flat feet.
Okay, and I'll take shifty eyes.
Maybe with the
zero hour so close
she'll lower her standards
and hire this one.
Are you kidding? Why don't
you check it out, Florida?
Good idea. I'll
pretend I'm dusting.
So as you can see, it's
really an enormous house
and requires a great
deal of very hard work.
Oh, I'm accustomed
to big houses.
I used to work on an estate.
Oh.
Well, in that case I'm
sure you'll feel cramped
in such a cracker box.
I'm sure with my
experience I could adjust.
Did the agency mention
that I worked eight years
for the Ford family?
Oh, what a shame.
Now, the Findlays are
nothing like the Fords.
We come in throw
off our hats and coats,
kick off our shoes, we're
more like the Toyotas.
I guess the Fords
weren't a fun family.
Well, anyway we couldn't
possibly pay the salary
that you must be
accustomed to getting.
Oh, well frankly, Mrs. Findlay,
the money is secondary.
My primary interest
is being near the city.
I go to Columbia
two nights a week.
I'm getting my degree
in English literature.
Oh, well, we're not
the least bit literary.
As a matter of fact, we
just turned our library
into a powder room.
Oh, well this is Florida
my present housekeeper,
who ever since I started
interviewing applicants
has made dusting this
room her life's work.
God will get you for that.
Well, Mr. Findlay,
this is countdown.
- Five, four...
- Another reject, huh?
Three, two, one.
Going, going... (door slams)
Gone.
Okay, Maude, what
was wrong with that one?
Everything. One minute,
the house was too big,
the next minute,
it was too small.
Didn't have a brain in her head.
You know, she's so stupid,
she has to go to night school.
Now besides, didn't you notice?
Notice what?
Here shifty eyes.
Maude, has it ever occurred
to you that you keep turning
everyone down
because psychologically,
deep down in your subconscious,
you don't want Florida to leave?
Oh, Walter, that's absurd.
Maude?
I know Florida is a
very special person,
but there are a lot of
people who could do her job.
Oh, come on, Walter,
you'd settle for anyone.
I'll never forget your
bachelor apartment,
sloppy Walter Findlay,
it looked like a rat's nest.
Bed never made,
clothes all over the floor.
Your clothes, Maude, not mine.
(doorbell rings)
Save by the bell again, Walter.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
that's probably
another applicant.
Maude, if you really
wanna hire somebody,
why don't you let
Florida interview this one?
That's a good idea.
Florida, you were eavesdropping.
Naturally.
You see, where are
we gonna find someone
as clever as Florida?
I mean, this woman is a saint.
Right, Maude. She's the only one
that knows anything
about running this place.
So, why don't you
let her handle it?
All right. But I get
the final approval.
And no eavesdropping.
Hi. I'm Rita Valdez.
I'd like to speak
to Mrs. Findlay.
Oh, no, you wouldn't, honey.
You much better
off speaking to me.
I'm the saint you're replacing,
Saint Florida.
Sit down and relax.
Would you like to see my resume?
Well, first I'd like to
ask you a few questions
about yourself.
How did you vote
in the last election?
I was out of the state.
Oh, darn it.
And your color ain't
gonna do you no good.
What's wrong with my color?
You ain't got any.
Were you ever busted
for working a picket line
or marching in a protest parade?
Of course not.
Oh, that's too bad.
Look, what's all this
got to do with anything?
I'm a good worker.
I'm honest, I'm reliable...
Honey, around here, that
don't mean shoofly pie.
What about your family,
any drunks or ex-convicts?
Are you kidding?
Honey, you're
gonna be a hard sale.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Let me ask you a question?
What have you got going here?
Is this a residence
or an outpatient clinic?
You see, honey, the Findlays,
well, they're very nice people.
But if you want this job,
we got to find something
about you that
would feed her guilt.
Feed her guilt?
You see, Mrs.
Findlay's wanting them
bleeding heart liberals.
That's her steady diet.
Cottage cheese and guilt.
Let's think hard, there
must be some cloud
that we can turn
into a silver lining.
I don't know what
you're looking for,
but I'm not interested.
I've never been in any trouble,
my parents have never
been in any trouble.
In fact, ever since
they came over here
from Puerto Rico it's
been no trouble, no...
Puerto Rico? Hold it.
Puerto Rico, that goes
good with cottage cheese.
It is an outpatient clinic.
Walter, this is ridiculous.
It's a waste of time.
Walter, I can go out there
and in one minute tell you
whether or not
she's right for the job.
Please let me go.
Okay, Maude, but
give her a fair chance.
Walter, I'll do more than
give her a fair chance.
I'll bend over backwards.
Mr. and Mrs.
Findlay, this is Rita.
Nice to meet you, Rita,
you're not what we had in mind.
- Maude, be careful.
- Of what?
I don't want you
straining yourself
bending over backwards.
Walter, if music
be the food of love,
go swallow a banjo.
Rita, I hope you understand.
It's simply that we are
looking for someone
a little more experienced.
Mrs. Findlay, look at this.
Experience. Hotel
floor maid three years,
assistant to house
keeper in the country club...
I mean where it
says nationality.
I'm shocked.
I am shocked you
know that nationality
don't mean shoofly
pie around here.
What do I care what
her nationality is?
People are people, period.
It's just that Rita
isn't right for the job.
You do understand,
don't you, dear?
(Spanish accent) I am sorry
you feel that way, Señora.
I always dream of
working in a beautiful home
like this ever since I
came from San Juan
to come to New Jork.
Did you say New Jork?
Walter, our new
housekeeper is Puerto Rican.
Ole, hooray. And that's that.
Oh, you poor, poor thing.
You must have had
a miserable childhood.
Oh, uh, uh, sí, Señora.
It was muy dificil.
As a little baby, I
worked like a dog
in the fields cutting sugarcane.
Mi madre y mi padre they say,
"We go to Los Estados Unidos."
That's United States, Walter.
Don't you worry, you poor thing,
in no time we will have
you carefree and laughing.
Oh, Señora, I am laughing.
(laughing)
I love a Spanish laugh.
Rita dear, you can
begin first thing Monday.
Take your time,
noon will be fine.
Gracias, gracias,
Señora Findlay.
Gracias to you, Rita.
And Rita dear,
please call me Maude.
Sí. Sí, Señora.
Oh, come in,
Henry. Hasta la vista.
Hasta la vista.
That means I'll see you later.
Where is Florida?
Is it 5:00 so soon?
Apunto.
That means on the dot.
Really, Walter?
Well, besame mucho.
That means go sit on a taco.
Florida, Henry's here.
Oh, good.
Well, I guess this is it.
Yep. I guess this is it.
I'll tell you one
thing though, Florida.
I'm gonna be very
adult about this.
I am not gonna cry.
- No tears.
- Me neither.
I mean, it's not like we
won't see each other again.
How far do we live from
each other, 45 minutes?
I mean, Walter and
I will be coming in.
And Henry and I
will be driving out.
You know something, we'll
probably end up seeing more
of each other now
than we did before.
- I know we will.
- Of course.
Well, goodbye.
Goodbye, Florida.
Maude?
What, Florida?
Life isn't really
like that, is it?
No. I don't guess it is.
I mean, it ain't like it
that I'll be seeing you
again soon
Or even ever again.
That's right, Florida.
But I'm not gonna cry.
Me neither.
Well, thanks for everything.
Thank you, Florida.
Bye.
I've changed my mind.
I'm gonna cry.
Do you mind if I join you?
(music playing)
♪ Oh yeah! ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
If I told you once,
I told you 50 times,
you change your oil,
you put antifreeze
in your radiator
and you check your battery.
And if I told you once,
I've told you 50 times,
you should have
married Andy Granatelli.
The coldest day of the
year and your car won't start.
How can you be so careless
not checking your battery?
The battery was fine yesterday.
And so was the weather.
How can a battery die overnight?
Why not? People do.
Of course, but
people do not come
with 36 month
warranties from Sears.
Look, Nanook.
Would you mind removing
your Siberian toe slippers?
And don't worry about the
car, I'll call Eddie's Garage.
Maude, where are
my reading glasses?
Where they always
are sweetheart, lost.
Come on, Maude,
you know I always keep
my reading glasses
in the dress drawer.
Now, what happened to them?
I bet you Florida moved them.
You know, she's been
behaving very strangely lately.
I think its change of life.
You think everything's
change of life.
Has to be something.
You know, the other day
when she did the laundry
she puts starch in my bra.
You got to be kidding.
No, yesterday I
walked around all day
pointing at the ceiling.
Something is definitely
happening with Florida.
Something in her mind.
Well, now that you mention it,
the other morning she
spilled hot coffee down
to my leg, boy, did it hurt.
Did you ever wear
a starched bra?
Maude, my glasses.
How am I gonna read
the morning paper?
Forget about it, it
would only depress you.
I mean, the way
things are going today
I wouldn't put a newspaper
in the bottom of a bird cage.
Oh, Carol. Boy, do I
have bad news for you.
Oh?
Maude's car is conked
out in the driveway
and I don't think you'll be
able to get to work today.
Okay. Now, what's the bad news?
Carol, I thought
you liked your job.
Last Sunday you told
me you love your work.
I do, on Sundays.
Florida, you're
gonna tell them today.
All right, Henry. All right.
I know you, woman.
Every day for the last
week you've been saying,
"Oh, I'll tell them, Henry."
On Monday you said, "Oh,
Henry, I'll tell them tomorrow."
On Tuesday you said,
"Oh, Henry, I'll tell
them later in the week."
On Thursday you said,
"Oh, Henry, I forgot."
You all know my
husband, oh, Henry.
Hello, Henry.
Hi, Henry, what's going on?
Florida has got some news.
Go on, tell them.
Tell us what?
Nothing.
Go on. Break it to them.
There's ain't your everyday
easy news to break.
Florida, are you gonna tell
them or am I gonna tell them?
Cool it, Henry.
Now, don't go
humbugging me, woman.
Buzz off, Henry.
Don't you know when you
work for somebody a long time,
you get to love them.
And when you love
somebody you just don't up
and say you're quitting...
Hmm, you're quitting, really?
Florida, is there
something wrong?
Did something happen?
Well, I'll tell you
what happened.
Last week Henry got
promoted down at the firehouse
with a real nice raise,
and so we figured
out after all these years
I won't have to work anymore.
I can stay home with
my husband, my children.
And my house like I always said,
Henry may not be the
handsomest man in the world,
but he is a good provider.
You know something, Florida,
since you've been
working for Maude,
your lip done grown
a full three inches.
I'm gonna miss you, Florida.
No more than I'm
gonna miss you, honey.
Oh, that's terrific, Florida.
Congratulations, Henry.
Thank you, Walter.
Now see, Florida,
it wasn't so bad
to tell them, was it?
Wait a minute, Henry,
this is only the tail end
on the batting order.
I still got to face the slugger.
You mean Maude?
She'll be no problem.
She'll be thrilled for you.
That's easy for you to say,
you're only the husband
and the daughter.
You ain't close
to her like I am.
Well, what she's
gonna do? Kill you?
Henry, when I tell
that woman I'm leaving,
I could just hear her in
that Joan Crawford voice.
Oh, Florida, darling.
We love you so
much, you're like family.
And then she'll shove
a Martini into my hand
and while she's
pouring and I'm drinking
before I know it she'll
sweet talk me into reenlisting.
You know what your
trouble is, Florida?
You're afraid to tell
them, you're chicken.
I'd rather be a live
chicken than a dead duck.
Of course you'll leave
that jive to Redd Foxx.
- I'll see you later, hear?
- Okay, love.
- Bye, Henry.
- Bye now.
- Bye, Henry.
- Take it easy, Walter.
Well, I might as
well face the music.
♪ Who's afraid of
the big bad Maude? ♪
♪ The big bad Maude,
the big bad Maude? ♪
- (phone ringing)
- ♪ Who's afraid of the big... ♪
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Findlay residence.
Oh, hello, Mother.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yes, Mother. Look, Mother,
I have my work to do, could
you call back a little later?
I know, Mother, but... yes,
yes... that's tough, Mother.
Who is that, Florida?
Your mother.
Oh.
Now look, Florida,
what were Mr. Findlay's
reading glasses
doing in with my nylon panties?
I don't know.
Maybe he was trying to
read the washing instructions.
- Look, Mrs. Findlay...
- Florida,
you better get a
grip on yourself.
Okay. Okay. So I
made one little mistake.
Now look, Florida, if
you can't take a little
constructive criticism maybe...
Listen, have you tried hormones?
There you go again
blaming everything
on change of life.
If Phillip skinned his knee,
you would holler menopause.
Now look, not having menopause
is a very flimsy excuse.
Now, you have a
job to do, Florida,
and I expect a day's
work for a day's pay.
And I give you a day's work.
Yes, but it takes
you a week to do it.
Stop beating around the bush.
Why don't you
come out and say it?
Ask me to leave,
kick me out, fire me,
isn't that what
you're trying to say?
Don't tell me what I'm
trying to say, Florida?
No, you won't have to
put up with me much longer
'cause I'm quitting.
Well, here we go again.
All right. Florida,
you've had your little laugh.
I'm sorry I yelled
at you. I apologize.
That is not why I'm leaving.
Of course, that's it.
Don't tell me what's it.
I know what's it.
What's it is I'm leaving.
Florida, why can't... How
can you do this to me?
Why won't you accept my apology?
If you just listen.
Florida, don't you realize
how close we've been?
- You've been our family.
- Will you let me
say something, please?
I mean, I don't even think
of you as an employee.
- Maude.
- Or even a friend.
Florida, don't you know
what you are, you're my sister.
Oh, brother.
Now, Florida, it
has to be something
I've said or something I've done
or you wouldn't be
spouting this nonsense.
It is not nonsense.
Did it ever occur to
you that I may be quitting
because of me and not you?
That I might have
a family of my own,
a house of my own,
and a life of my own?
I may belong to
you from 9:00 to 5:00
but the rest of the
time I belong to me.
And from now on, me
is going to be fulltime.
I could raise my children
and look after my husband.
Oh, you really must hate me.
Hate you?
Oh, pulling that soap
opera stuff on me,
playing on my
sympathy, really, Florida,
I never thought
you'd stoop this low.
For the last time, it has
nothing to do with you.
You know the trouble with
you is when your mouth is open
it closes your ears.
When are they gonna
get here to fix the battery?
As soon as the weather clears.
That could be next spring.
That's soon enough for me.
Mother, did Florida tell you?
Tell me what?
Well, that Henry got a
promotion and she's retiring?
You mean...
You mean you
really are quitting?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I mean, didn't you think
that you could come right out
and tell me without giving me...
all this nonsense
about change of
life and everything?
Then you really are quitting?
That's the general idea.
Oh, Florida, oh, well,
I'm happy for you.
I'm really happy
for you, Florida.
Now, you're gonna have
so much fun taking care
of your own house and
your own family living
your own life having... sit
down, I'll make you a Martini.
Oh, no, you don't.
Maybe later?
Mother.
Just think, Florida, maybe you'll
have your own housekeeper.
No, thanks, I don't want
nobody putting starch in my bra.
Maude, you're not
too upset, are you?
You're not gonna
cry, are you, mother?
Me? Cry?
Why would I cry?
Carol, come on, I'm a grown
up mature sensible woman.
We'll find someone else.
I mean, even though Florida
say she's leaving in a week,
I'm sure she'll stay
on longer, you know,
till we get her an
adequate replacement.
Maude, it took you six
months to find Florida.
I know, dear.
Now, let see, does Florida
take one or two olives
in her Martini?
- Oh.
- Hi, Carol, where you've been?
Oh, shopping. You
wanna see something cute?
Look.
Oh, it's out of sight.
Aren't they gonna be a little
too tight around the heart?
Not at all.
Well, you're gonna
get whistled at.
I don't see why,
they're for Philip.
Well, that's too bad.
You just brought
tears to the eyes
of 50,000 truck drivers.
Where's mother?
Where she's been all
week, inside interviewing
another applicant
to replace Florida.
Another one? How
many does that make?
Oh, I think she just broke
McDonald's hamburger record.
We don't have this much
trouble picking a president.
Naturally, we're more
particular when we pick a maid.
And this is my kitchen.
This is my sink.
This is my refrigerator,
this is my oven.
This is my daughter,
this is my husband.
If you'll follow me,
I'll show you the
rest of the house.
I don't believe it, I
didn't even get a chance
- to see the woman's face.
- What's the difference?
You'll never see it again.
I can tell, she's
another reject.
If you ask me, mother
is rejecting everyone
because subconsciously
she can't bear
the thought of
replacing Florida.
Maybe it would help if
she thought of Florida
as a husband, she's never
had any trouble replacing them.
Naturally, she's more
particular when she picks a maid.
(humming)
Florida, what are you doing?
My last tango in Tuckahoe.
This is my V-day.
At 5:00, it will be
V for vamoose.
Oh, do I envy you.
What are you gonna do
tomorrow now that you're retiring?
Well, first thing when I
wake up in the morning,
I'm gonna loll around in bed.
Take my own sweet time
and not get up until 5:00 AM.
Then I'm gonna fix
Henry's breakfast
and get the children
dressed and off to school.
Make the beds, scrub
the floors, do the laundry,
and then clean the house.
No offense folks, my house.
Mm-hmm.
At the rate mother's going,
we're not gonna have
anybody to replace you.
I wonder what she'll
find wrong with this one.
I'll bet a dollar
on left-handed.
You're on, I'll
go with too tall.
Didn't she use too tall
on that Swedish
midget yesterday?
Yeah, yeah. I'll change
my bet to flat feet.
Okay, and I'll take shifty eyes.
Maybe with the
zero hour so close
she'll lower her standards
and hire this one.
Are you kidding? Why don't
you check it out, Florida?
Good idea. I'll
pretend I'm dusting.
So as you can see, it's
really an enormous house
and requires a great
deal of very hard work.
Oh, I'm accustomed
to big houses.
I used to work on an estate.
Oh.
Well, in that case I'm
sure you'll feel cramped
in such a cracker box.
I'm sure with my
experience I could adjust.
Did the agency mention
that I worked eight years
for the Ford family?
Oh, what a shame.
Now, the Findlays are
nothing like the Fords.
We come in throw
off our hats and coats,
kick off our shoes, we're
more like the Toyotas.
I guess the Fords
weren't a fun family.
Well, anyway we couldn't
possibly pay the salary
that you must be
accustomed to getting.
Oh, well frankly, Mrs. Findlay,
the money is secondary.
My primary interest
is being near the city.
I go to Columbia
two nights a week.
I'm getting my degree
in English literature.
Oh, well, we're not
the least bit literary.
As a matter of fact, we
just turned our library
into a powder room.
Oh, well this is Florida
my present housekeeper,
who ever since I started
interviewing applicants
has made dusting this
room her life's work.
God will get you for that.
Well, Mr. Findlay,
this is countdown.
- Five, four...
- Another reject, huh?
Three, two, one.
Going, going... (door slams)
Gone.
Okay, Maude, what
was wrong with that one?
Everything. One minute,
the house was too big,
the next minute,
it was too small.
Didn't have a brain in her head.
You know, she's so stupid,
she has to go to night school.
Now besides, didn't you notice?
Notice what?
Here shifty eyes.
Maude, has it ever occurred
to you that you keep turning
everyone down
because psychologically,
deep down in your subconscious,
you don't want Florida to leave?
Oh, Walter, that's absurd.
Maude?
I know Florida is a
very special person,
but there are a lot of
people who could do her job.
Oh, come on, Walter,
you'd settle for anyone.
I'll never forget your
bachelor apartment,
sloppy Walter Findlay,
it looked like a rat's nest.
Bed never made,
clothes all over the floor.
Your clothes, Maude, not mine.
(doorbell rings)
Save by the bell again, Walter.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
that's probably
another applicant.
Maude, if you really
wanna hire somebody,
why don't you let
Florida interview this one?
That's a good idea.
Florida, you were eavesdropping.
Naturally.
You see, where are
we gonna find someone
as clever as Florida?
I mean, this woman is a saint.
Right, Maude. She's the only one
that knows anything
about running this place.
So, why don't you
let her handle it?
All right. But I get
the final approval.
And no eavesdropping.
Hi. I'm Rita Valdez.
I'd like to speak
to Mrs. Findlay.
Oh, no, you wouldn't, honey.
You much better
off speaking to me.
I'm the saint you're replacing,
Saint Florida.
Sit down and relax.
Would you like to see my resume?
Well, first I'd like to
ask you a few questions
about yourself.
How did you vote
in the last election?
I was out of the state.
Oh, darn it.
And your color ain't
gonna do you no good.
What's wrong with my color?
You ain't got any.
Were you ever busted
for working a picket line
or marching in a protest parade?
Of course not.
Oh, that's too bad.
Look, what's all this
got to do with anything?
I'm a good worker.
I'm honest, I'm reliable...
Honey, around here, that
don't mean shoofly pie.
What about your family,
any drunks or ex-convicts?
Are you kidding?
Honey, you're
gonna be a hard sale.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Let me ask you a question?
What have you got going here?
Is this a residence
or an outpatient clinic?
You see, honey, the Findlays,
well, they're very nice people.
But if you want this job,
we got to find something
about you that
would feed her guilt.
Feed her guilt?
You see, Mrs.
Findlay's wanting them
bleeding heart liberals.
That's her steady diet.
Cottage cheese and guilt.
Let's think hard, there
must be some cloud
that we can turn
into a silver lining.
I don't know what
you're looking for,
but I'm not interested.
I've never been in any trouble,
my parents have never
been in any trouble.
In fact, ever since
they came over here
from Puerto Rico it's
been no trouble, no...
Puerto Rico? Hold it.
Puerto Rico, that goes
good with cottage cheese.
It is an outpatient clinic.
Walter, this is ridiculous.
It's a waste of time.
Walter, I can go out there
and in one minute tell you
whether or not
she's right for the job.
Please let me go.
Okay, Maude, but
give her a fair chance.
Walter, I'll do more than
give her a fair chance.
I'll bend over backwards.
Mr. and Mrs.
Findlay, this is Rita.
Nice to meet you, Rita,
you're not what we had in mind.
- Maude, be careful.
- Of what?
I don't want you
straining yourself
bending over backwards.
Walter, if music
be the food of love,
go swallow a banjo.
Rita, I hope you understand.
It's simply that we are
looking for someone
a little more experienced.
Mrs. Findlay, look at this.
Experience. Hotel
floor maid three years,
assistant to house
keeper in the country club...
I mean where it
says nationality.
I'm shocked.
I am shocked you
know that nationality
don't mean shoofly
pie around here.
What do I care what
her nationality is?
People are people, period.
It's just that Rita
isn't right for the job.
You do understand,
don't you, dear?
(Spanish accent) I am sorry
you feel that way, Señora.
I always dream of
working in a beautiful home
like this ever since I
came from San Juan
to come to New Jork.
Did you say New Jork?
Walter, our new
housekeeper is Puerto Rican.
Ole, hooray. And that's that.
Oh, you poor, poor thing.
You must have had
a miserable childhood.
Oh, uh, uh, sí, Señora.
It was muy dificil.
As a little baby, I
worked like a dog
in the fields cutting sugarcane.
Mi madre y mi padre they say,
"We go to Los Estados Unidos."
That's United States, Walter.
Don't you worry, you poor thing,
in no time we will have
you carefree and laughing.
Oh, Señora, I am laughing.
(laughing)
I love a Spanish laugh.
Rita dear, you can
begin first thing Monday.
Take your time,
noon will be fine.
Gracias, gracias,
Señora Findlay.
Gracias to you, Rita.
And Rita dear,
please call me Maude.
Sí. Sí, Señora.
Oh, come in,
Henry. Hasta la vista.
Hasta la vista.
That means I'll see you later.
Where is Florida?
Is it 5:00 so soon?
Apunto.
That means on the dot.
Really, Walter?
Well, besame mucho.
That means go sit on a taco.
Florida, Henry's here.
Oh, good.
Well, I guess this is it.
Yep. I guess this is it.
I'll tell you one
thing though, Florida.
I'm gonna be very
adult about this.
I am not gonna cry.
- No tears.
- Me neither.
I mean, it's not like we
won't see each other again.
How far do we live from
each other, 45 minutes?
I mean, Walter and
I will be coming in.
And Henry and I
will be driving out.
You know something, we'll
probably end up seeing more
of each other now
than we did before.
- I know we will.
- Of course.
Well, goodbye.
Goodbye, Florida.
Maude?
What, Florida?
Life isn't really
like that, is it?
No. I don't guess it is.
I mean, it ain't like it
that I'll be seeing you
again soon
Or even ever again.
That's right, Florida.
But I'm not gonna cry.
Me neither.
Well, thanks for everything.
Thank you, Florida.
Bye.
I've changed my mind.
I'm gonna cry.
Do you mind if I join you?
(music playing)
♪ Oh yeah! ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪