Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 19 - The Commuter Station - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪

Right this way
folks, come along.

Right in here, make
yourselves comfortable.

Should be a might
warmer waiting in here.

I'll let you know when the
train is ready to move again.

Oh, I told my family
I'd be home tonight.

- How long are we gonna
be stalled here?
- Hard to figure.



Well, about how long does
it take to fix a frozen switch?

- Don't rightly know.
- Are they working on it now?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Well, how late will we
be getting into New York?

Well, there ain't no telling.

Oh, if you need any
more information,

just ask me, that's
what I'm here for.

Oh, excuse us.

- Oh, I love it.
- Oh, yeah.

So, picturesque,

only in Vermont could
you find a station like this.

Hey, come on, you guys.

Come on, everybody.
Come see this place and look.

Ooh... (feet stomping)

Well, I hope you're
happy, Maude.

I mean, not only
didn't Vivian and Arthur

go through with the wedding
you planned for them,

but now we're snowbound
in the middle of nowhere.

Oh, shut up, Walter.

I would think, Vivian, if you
really... if you really loved me,

you'd have a little more
compassion for me when I'm sick.

Shut up, Arthur.

Well, I got to hand
it to you, Maude,

because you thought
it would be romantic

to have a winter
wonderland wedding,

I'm up here freezing
my fanny off.

Oh, shut up, Walter.

- Gesundheit.
- Oh, shut up, Arthur.

- All I said was gesundheit.
- Thank you. Now shut up.

Vivian, listen, I
really am sick.

I'm a doctor. Sickness
is my specialty.

No.

Vivian is right,
Arthur, shut up.

Maude, how can
you talk like that?

That's my specialty.

Shut up, Maude
and stop butting in.

- Oh, shut up, Vivian.
- I agree with Vivian.

- Shut up, Arthur.
- Shut up, Arthur.

Go ahead, go ahead, yell at a
man who's only one heartbeat away

from a sick bed.

As soon as we get back home, I'll
have Jerry Lewis put on a telethon for you.

- But I really am sick.
- Sick in the head...

It so happens that I've come down
with a new virus that's going around.

- Oh, go on.
- The four-hour flu.

- The four-hour flu?
- Come on, Arthur.

It's like the Hong Kong flu

except it comes from Taiwan.

I suppose it's all my fault, I
shouldn't get so close to my patients

particularly when they're sick.

Arthur, if you didn't
wanna marry me,

why didn't you just
say so in the first place?

Well, I don't understand
your attitude, Vivian.

Well, how do you
expect her to feel, Arthur?

Come on Arthur, I arranged for a
beautiful wedding up here in Vermont,

the judge says, "Do you, Arthur, take
Vivian to be your lawful wedded wife?"

You look at her lovingly
and then you raced

to the men's room and
tossed your cookies.

You think I did it on purpose?

I'm obviously running
a fever. I'm burning up.

Feel my head, Walter.

Well, it feels
cold to me, Arthur.

Don't let that
outer skin fool you.

Heat underneath
that spells trouble.

Arthur, it's perfectly
obvious to everyone

you have a mental block
against marrying me.

Hogwash, bourgeois,
and applesauce, I love you.

Arthur, this can't
be coincidence.

This is the third time
up here in Vermont

two weeks ago in front of the
Justice of the Peace in Greenwich

and a month ago at the Shriners
Temple when you threw up in your fez.

I told you it's the
four-hour flu, it's insidious.

Look, please stop bickering.

You've been at it ever
since we left the ski lodge.

If you ask me, I think
it's fun, it's an adventure.

Yeah. I love a good
old-fashioned snowstorm.

You know, the kids are right.

A good old-fashioned
snowstorm is fun,

it's bracing, it's exhilarating.

You know, we really should all
be out in the snow having fun.

Good idea. Let's go outside.

In this blizzard? Are you crazy?

We'll see you later.

♪ Go Harvard down the field ♪

♪ La-di-da ♪

He's still on the train? I thought
he got off at the last station.

So did he.

Well, hello, there, compañeros.

Pardon me, my dear,
would you care to join me

for a little drink at the bar?

Nothing obscene, mind you,

but I do pride myself on
my Harvey Wallbangers.

Oh, I'm sorry, but my doctor
has me strictly on mother's milk.

And my mother won't let
me share with strangers.

Uh, honey do you have any
change for the candy machine?

Vivian, a few hours ago
you were in love with me.

We would've been married
now if I hadn't whoopsied.

How can you be angry with
me just because I'm sick?

You know, Arthur, sometimes
I have the feeling you're,

you're just getting even with me

for not marrying you in December

like your tax lawyer suggested.

Oh, Vivian, that's ridiculous.

You mean much more
to me than a tax shelter.

I didn't need to marry you then.

I was already invested
in Black Angus bulls.

Why don't you go
marry one of your bulls?

- Well, there are three reasons.
- Oh, shut up.

Perhaps you'd care to try
my famous Polynesian punch.

You'll have to drink it
neat. I ran out of gardenias.

Look, why don't you just go outside
and write your name in the snow?

All right. If you
want it that bad,

it's yours, maybe the one
in the ladies' room works.

Look, Harvard, be a good
boy and stop annoying my wife.

She's a Yale man.

A Yale man?

I bet you think
I'm drunk, right?

That makes you think I'm
absolutely plastered, right?

No, of course not.

Then why am I pouring
my drink on your shoe?

Now the one in the
ladies' room works.

You can have a
Clark bar or a Midol.

Buy a Midol.

Buy a Midol. We could be
stuck in the station all month.

Folks, looks like we
might be here for a spell.

The repair gang
can't get through.

Snow drift's too high.

Oh, I may need the Midol.

Walter, look at it
as an act of God.

Now I'll have time to get Arthur
and Vivian back together again.

Okay, Arthur, I think it is
time we came to the truth

about this whole
wedding situation.

Maude, did you hear what... did
you hear what the conductor said?

Well, we're
snowbound. I'm a doctor.

These poor people are
probably scared to death.

I better reassure them.

All right, folks.

Folks, may I have
your attention, please?

Now, there's no need to panic,

I'm a doctor.

Dr. Arthur Harmon's the name.

Oh, my name is Smith.

And this is my niece.

- What does he want, puppy?
- Shut up.

Excuse me. Did you
say you're a doctor?

Oh, skiing accident, huh?

Yeah. Would you
mind taking a look at it?

Nope, sorry, I'm not licensed
to practice in this state.

We got to be so careful with
strangers, you know, malpractice suits.

You know, Arthur, I don't know
how you make a living as a doctor.

You won't treat strangers and
your friends won't go near you.

Still snowing out.

It's beautiful,
cold but beautiful.

There's a full moon.

Arthur, why don't you and Vivian
go out and look at the moon?

I've seen the moon.

Arthur, why don't you stick
your head in a barf bag?

Vivian, you're gonna
have to make the first move.

Arthur loves you. Now
give the man a break.

- Excuse me.
- No, that's all right.

My niece.

It's reassuring to know that the
American family unit is still intact.

- Now look, Vivian...
- Maude, the road to hell

is paved with good intentions.

So, why don't you
just hit the road?

- Arthur, I don't want you
to take this personally...
- No.

But I think she hates you.

So, according to my latest
survey, that makes five of us.

Look, just because I
caught a little bug, I don't...

Oh, come on Arthur,
you did not catch a bug.

Your inability to go through with
the wedding is purely psychosomatic.

It is all mental.

You wooly-headed
liberals and your psychiatry.

You think everything is mental.

You call this coated
tongue mental?

Well, what do you think it
is, Arthur, internal dandruff?

Come on, Arthur, it is
obviously your subconscious

that is not permitting you to go
through with the wedding ceremony.

Horsefeathers.

Did anyone ever see
his subconscious?

I'm a surgeon, I don't believe
anything exists unless I can remove it.

If it's not psychosomatic,
how come you're not sick now?

What do you mean
I'm not sick now?

How come you're not
blowing your nose?

That's right, why aren't
you blowing your nose?

Well, I'm not blowing my nose.

(sniffs) I guess I'm well.

Yeah, I'm well.
Maude, excuse me.

Feel my head again
will you, Walter?

Feel any different?

No. It still feels like
your head, Arthur.

Well, that's it. Cured.

It was the four-hour flu.

Four hours exactly
and 11 minutes.

And 11... you must have
had a very severe attack.

Vivian, now that I'm a well man,

you're gonna listen to me
whether you want to or not.

Tomorrow I'm going to marry
you and nothing is gonna happen.

If nothing is gonna happen,
why are you getting married?

Oh, Arthur, if only I
could just believe that.

You can, Vivian,
because I love you.

On my honor as a
gentleman and a physician,

if it were at all
humanly possible,

I'd marry you
right here and now.

Why is it you can never find a
minister when you need one?

Excuse me, I'm a minister.

My name is Reverend Martin.

I played hooky and
went on a skiing trip.

God punished me.

Arthur, Arthur, you have
the results of your blood test

and you have the license.
He could marry you right now.

(crying)

Oh, oh, come on,
Vivian, cheer up, honey.

They say the way to a man's
heart is through his stomach.

Oh, I got to hand
it to you, Arthur.

You sure crawled under
that door pretty fast.

Why don't you ask me for a dime?

I had a dime. I was just afraid to
take my hand away from my mouth.

Is everything all right?

Do you need any help?

Arthur?

I'm fine again now, Walter.

So, what's taking you so long?

I'm just reading on the wall what
they say about Senator Herman.

You look pale as a ghost.

Well, that was very
shocking language.

Walter, have, have
you got a comb?

- I, I dropped mine in the...
- Oh, for crying out loud,
Arthur.

Now, would you level with me?

What is it? Is it Agnes?

Do you feel guilty because
you're getting married again?

Oh, poppycock, Walter.

Agnes wanted me to marry again.

When I was taking care of her, I
was her doctor before she died.

She asked me for two favors.

One of them was that
I get married again.

- And what was the other?
- Get another doctor.

Delirium fuzzes up
the mind, you know.

Arthur, it's got
to be something.

All I know is whenever
the minister says

do you take this woman, Vivian,
to be your lawfully wedded wife,

I try to say I will

but my Adam's apple
contracts and it's clear the decks.

I know Arthur but there's
got to be some reason for it

so let's both of us sit
down and talk about it.

I don't think we'd be able to hear
each other through the partition.

- I mean outside.
- Oh, I'm not going out
there again now.

What would I say to Vivian?

Now, let's just forget
it, Walter, forget it.

I don't even wanna discuss it.

Vivian, now Vivian...
Vivian, listen to me.

Vivian, Arthur loves you.

He said so just before
he ran into the can.

What's new about that?

Arthur always says he loves
me just before he runs to the can.

Oh, it has to be some
kind of a hang up.

Have you two
been arguing lately?

Oh, come on, you
know us, we never argue

except sometimes maybe when
he mentions Agnes too much

or maybe I talk about Chuck.

Vivian, Chuck.

Wait, you mean you think
Arthur may be jealous of Chuck?

Oh, come on, Maude. Oh, no.

Just because I was married
to Chuck for 16 years?

Honey, these things can happen.

You know, something like this
happened to me in one of my marriages.

Not everything happened to
you and wanna get married.

Now look, Vivian, I
wanna ask you a question.

Is everything fine
between the two of you

when it comes to, you know?

Our you knows
are fine thank you.

As far as you know
your you knows are fine

but, you know, you knows can
turn into no knows, you know?

Just shut up, Maude.

No. Vivian, look at this way.

Every time Arthur gets in front of
the minister and the minister says

do you take Vivian to be
you lawful wedded wife,

an image of Chuck
comes into his mind.

Chuck, your ex who was
a great halfback at college

and great all over the
house, as Walter would say.

Honey, that's a very
tough act to follow.

That's, that's, that's the most
ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

- You really think so?
- Of course.

And I'll tell you
something, I guarantee we

can clear this whole
thing up in five minutes

if we could just get Arthur
to admit the possibility.

But, only you could,
do you think you could?

Oh, come on, honey.

Now knock those frozen
tears off those artificial lashes.

Your lips are beginning to sag.

No, thanks.

Arthur, Arthur, I
wanna talk to you.

Go away, Maudie.

Listen, Walter, would
you bring Arthur out here?

He doesn't wanna.

Maudie, a man has
certain right to privacy

and the men's room
happens to be one of them.

Now I'm not coming
out and that's that.

Look, Arthur, if you're not
coming out I'm coming in.

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- Now come on, Maude.

Look, you two are
still golfers, aren't you?

- Well...
- Fore!

You shouldn't be in here.

Maude, will get you
get the hell out of here?

Don't read the walls.

Now look, Arthur, I came
in here because I believe

I know what your trouble is.

Now it's a very delicate matter

and one that I
find most difficult

and embarrassing
to discuss with you,

but, Arthur, I believe

that you are afraid
that compared to Chuck

in certain rooms of the house

you don't compare to Chuck.

Maude, I am not
about to discuss my...

S-E-X life in the M-E-N's room.

Why don't you write it on
the wall like everybody else?

Look, Arthur this is
nothing to be ashamed of.

You think of Chuck
and the flame flickers.

You know, Walter had the
same problem about Chester.

Maude.

Even though I was
married to Albert in between.

Maude, Maude,
when I married you,

you never once complained
about my flame flickering.

Come on Walter, don't you remember
you constantly asked me questions

about Chester who is six-feet-two and
a middleweight champion in the Marines.

And instead I would always
answer and tell you about Albert

who has asthma and used to have to rest
on the landing when he walked upstairs.

- Maude, I got something
to say to you.
- What, Walter?

Wait a minute, I'm sure it's
written somewhere on the wall.

Now, Maude, I've had
two near marriages today.

I'm tired and exhausted
and I wanna be alone.

I'll just say one thing.

This is the last time I go to
the men's room with you two.

I mean, if this is the
gratitude I get for coming in

and giving you a perfectly logical
explanation for your neurotic behavior.

- Neurotic behavior?
- Yes, you are obviously
frightened of Chuck,

frightened that you
can't measure up.

Maude, that is
patently ridiculous.

And for the last time if I have
any problem, which I don't,

it's between me and Vivian.

If it is between you
and Vivian, Arthur,

and you're not neurotic,
go out and talk to her.

Come on, let's get out of
here. This place is freezing.

No wonder you have
ice cubes in here.

Good, Lord.

You really are a Yale man.

If it would be any comfort to
you, I'd let you read my Bible

but unfortunately, I stuck
my ski pole through it.

Thanks anyway.

Look, Vivian dear, Arthur
wants to talk to you, don't you?

Well, I, I, I can't talk to Vivian
with all these people around.

Well, then take her
into the men's room.

I will not take her
into the men's room.

I don't blame him, Maude.
How about the ladies' room?

- No.
- You see, he never takes
me anywhere.

And I certainly do not intend to
discuss anything personal here

in Grand Central Station.

You don't think he's
gonna do anything foolish

like throw himself
on the tracks.

That wouldn't be foolish.

Arthur, Arthur?

Arthur, who are you calling?

Vivian.

Would you mind answering
that, please, Maude?

(phone ringing)

Yes, Arthur?

Is that you, Maudie?

No. It's your answering service.

Well, I'd like to speak
to Vivian, please.

Wait a minute. I'll
see if she's here.

- Vivian, it's Arthur.
- I don't wanna talk to him.

Come on, honey, he
spent a dime on this call.

Hello.

Vivian?

Yes.

This is Arthur.

How are you?

Arthur, what do you want?

I don't know what's been
bothering me, Vivian.

But, believe me it's
not that I don't love you.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? I lost her.

Arthur, we've been disconnected.

Well, if, if it's not that you don't
love me, then what is the problem?

Vivian, have you
got another dime?

Yes, here.

Wait a minute.

That's a 1911.

I'll use two nickels.

Arthur, Arthur, you're
driving me crazy.

- Arthur.
- Don't blame me,
blame the telephone company.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Arthur, what is it
you're trying to tell me?

Shh, not in public, please.

Oh, Arthur, for heaven's sake.

Vivian, will you answer
the phone, please?

I can't talk to two
people at once.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

It's a much better
connection, isn't it?

Arthur, just... I don't think
you really do love me,

so, why don't we just call
this whole thing off right now.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no. Vivian, I do love you.

I love you like
Romeo loved Juliet.

I feel like a kid
who's 16 again.

I'm tingling in places I
haven't tingled in years.

- You are?
- Yes.

But, Arthur, that's
exactly the way I feel.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, yes.

Oh, oh, oh, really?

- Oh, yes, yes.
- Oh, really?

Well, well, then... well, then
maybe the trouble was that...

See, I wasn't sure that
you even tingled at all.

But I tingle
almost all the time.

You see I, I was afraid Vivian
that we, we'd have one of those,

you know, middle
age marriages and...

and, and that you'd marry for,
for just sort of companionship,

you know, and because you
felt comfortable with me and...

because you get kind of a
chuckle out my sly sense of humor.

Hello.

She hung up, it's all over.

- Wrong.
- Vivian, not in public.

- Oh, Arthur. Oh, shut up.
- We're not teenagers, you know?

I think they're ready
now, Reverend.

Uh, you, you,
strolling minstrels,

we'd like a little music
for the ceremony.

Could you give us some
wedding music, please?

♪ Mama, mama,
mama don't you ever ♪

(singing)

Hold it, hold it.
Hold it. Knock it off!

No wonder kids don't
get married anymore.

Something a little more legato.

(guitar strumming)

That's better.

Okay.

Your three minutes are up.

Walter, have you still
got that ring handy?

- Right here, buddy.
- Oh, good.

Dear friends and
fellow passengers.

We are gathered here
in the sight of God...

Okay folks, track's
fixed, all aboard.

Have you no sense of decency?

A marriage is taking place here.

These ski weekends are
getting hairier and hairier.

Will you, Vivian,
take this man, Arthur,

to be your lawfully
wedded husband?

I will.

And will you, Arthur,
take this woman, Vivian,

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I will.

Then by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

(cheering)

(music playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

"Maude" was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪