Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 15 - The Love Birds - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't' care if
the whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

Lovely to look at,
delightful to hold.

Here, quick.
Florida, take these.

I have had it with
modern science.

Get rid of everyone
of these aerosol cans.

I don't want a single
one left in the house.



What happened?

I just sprayed my hair
with Lemon Pledge.

Well, look on the bright side.

You won't have to dust your
head no more than twice a week.

Oh, that is not funny.

My hair smells like a
knotty pine bedpost.

Oh, honey, you didn't
have to polish this

just because Viv and
Arthur are coming to dinner.

But it was dull.

So is dinner with
Vivian and Arthur.

Well, they can't help
that, Mrs. Findlay.

They in love.

Oh, I know.

And I swear if they behave

like two puppies in
heat again tonight,

I'm gonna throw a
bucket of water on them.

- Evening, Maude.
- Hi, honey.

Go ahead, say it.

Say what?

That I forgot.

Well, I didn't.

This morning at the breakfast

you told me to pick something
up for you on the way home.

And in spite of the fact
that you say I always forget,

well, memory of an elephant.

Honey, I'm so proud of you.

You remembered
Philadelphia Cream Cheese.

I remembered
Philadelphia Cream Cheese.

No, I remembered
Boston cream pie.

Ah, Walter, that's wonderful.

I'll put a little horseradish
on the Boston cream pie.

It'll make a fabulous
dip for the Fritos.

Oh, for crying out loud, Maude.

I know it was an Eastern
city with cream after it.

And besides, Boston
and Philadelphia

are only 300 miles apart.

That's close enough.

And suppose I should be grateful

he didn't bring
home the London flu.

Mrs. Findlay, is it all
right if I leave now?

I wanna get home to see
the Harlem globetrotters.

Of course, the
Harlem Globetrotters?

I didn't know you were
interested in basketball.

I'm talking about
my aunt and uncle.

They just come back home
from a trip around the world.

The Harlem globetrotters.

Good night.

Maude, when are Vivian
and Arthur coming?

Too soon.

And I'm warning you, Walter.

If they start spouting
poetry at each other,

I may hit Arthur with a
Boston cream pie cheese dip.

So don't complain to me.

That's your Frankenstein.

If it hadn't been for you,

they never would
have gotten together.

Honey, I know
that and that's why

I'm having them
over for dinner tonight.

Walter, Vivian is my best friend

and she finally has
a man in her life.

That is very important
to me, Walter.

Even if the man is Arthur
and the two of them together

are about a scintillating as
commercial for Preparation H.

Come on, Maude. So,
they're a little affectionate.

(doorbell ringing)

Well, get ready, our
two favorite love birds,

Bill and Coo.

(doorbell ringing)

You know, the way they're
always groping each other,

I wonder what they're
using to ring the doorbell.

- Oh, shut up, Arthur.
- Don't you tell me to shut up.

- Well, if you ask me again...
- Vivian, Vivian.

Hi there, Maudie. Hi, Walter.

- We were just...
- Oh, just forget it, Arthur.

And harrumph to you,
Vivian. Just harrumph.

Walter, did you hear that?

They're arguing like
two human beings.

All right, you two.

Now, what is going on?

Don't ask me, Maudie.

All I know is that
for no reason at all,

I'm suddenly an
ogre, a monster, a...

Creep.

Vivian, you engage
me in repartee

and you will be cut to pieces.

Arthur, I gave away a bird

that could adlib
better than you.

Oh, oh, yeah?

You really cut her to
pieces with that one.

I will never understand women.

There's only one woman
I ever really understood

and that was my Agnes.

Arthur?

In 15 years, I only once
heard her say an unkind thing

and that was to a dentist
whose Masonic ring

was pressing against her nose.

Arthur, nobody really
cares about Agnes

- and her clumsy dentist.
- You see? You see that?

She puts down
everything I have to say.

- Arthur, so help me.
- Come on.

You know, Vivian,
there is something

I have to get in the kitchen.

- What?
- You.

- Okay. Vivian, what gives?
- What am I gonna do with him?

You heard him out there. What
am I going to do with Arthur?

Look, Vivian, you
are my best friend

and I know that I
have to calm you down

and help you with this matter

or you're gonna hate
yourself in the morning.

And, Vivian, the way
you look in the morning,

I wouldn't push my luck.

All right. It's that
wife of his, Agnes.

Agnes? Agnes has
been dead for eight years.

I know, I know and I
could kill her for that.

He won't stop talking about her.

I'm competing with a woman
who was perfect in every way.

Yeah, except for
her health, Vivian.

He's, he's so insensitive.

I bought him a tie to go
with that suit he's wearing.

I noticed it the
minute he walked in.

Excellent taste, Viv.

He's wearing a tie
Agnes gave him.

And it's atrocious.

But the suit is in
excellent taste, Viv.

Oh, Viv, come on now.

Honey, you have to realize
you are the first woman

that Arthur has been seriously
attracted to since Agnes.

I mean, you have to
give him a little time

to get over his romantic
fantasies of loving her

and get down to the
harsh realities of loving you.

You really think so?

Of course.

Now, come on, honey,

you know he mentions
Agnes every once in a while.

I want you to go back
in there and show Arthur

how cheerful and
smiling you can be.

- I'll try.
- Okay?

Now, remember, I want you
to be cheerful and smiling,

and cute and perky.

Now, cancel the cute and perky.

We'll go with the
cheerful and smiling.

Get the broccoli.

- Arthur...
- I tell you, Walter.

I never dreamed that our
first fight would be like this.

I thought at least it'll be a
little love and understanding.

Okay. Look. So, you had
a little misunderstanding,

but don't ruin your
entire evening.

- She's gonna come around.
- Oh.

Just be your old,
witty, debonair self.

- Oh, Walter.
- Come on, Arthur. Do it for me.

- I can't. I...
- Oh, come on.

Your old debonair self, huh?

Witty, debonair?

I'll do it.

After all, I got quite an
investment in that woman.

I got 10 pounds of prime beef

stored in her
frozen food locker.

Here we are.

Vivian, hold it right there,

standing there with
the duck in your hand.

You remind me of a poem.

Summer, winter,
spring, and fall,

thou art the
fairest flower of all.

Oh, that's lovely, Arthur.

Just a little rhyming
rhetoric I cooked up.

I think you left it
on a little too long.

Hey, Maude.

Maude, you know your hair
smells like the coffee table.

I know, Walter.

I know not all of us can be
the fairest flower of them all.

Some of us are wood byproducts.

Huh, how about
letting the skilled hands

of a surgeon do the carving?

Scalpel, forceps.

Here we go.

Oop, too late.

That bird is a dead duck.

Arthur.

Let me put it in another way.
That duck's goose is cooked.

You can be so amusing.

Did you just make that up?

No, not really.

That's a routine I
used to do for Agnes.

Oh, a little routine you
used to do for Agnes.

Cheerful, Vivian, cheerful.

Remember Walter
when I used to carve duck

and I go quack, quack, quack

and Agnes would laugh?

You know when I carve a turkey,

I go (talking gibberish)

and Agnes would laugh.

Agnes would laugh and laugh.

- Agnes, Agnes, Agnes.
- What?

She can't hear you, Vivian.

Now, sit down in your sit.

No, Maude, no. I've
had it with Agnes.

Now, what's wrong?

Arthur, you are in love
with a dead woman

and I can't fight it anymore.

Come on, now, you're getting

absolutely hysterical
over nothing.

I am not getting hysterical.

Now, come on, let the man carve.

Now, what's this all about?

I'll tell you what
it's all about.

It's all about Arthur
and his precious Agnes.

Agnes this, Agnes that.

It's a wonder you
didn't have her stuffed

and mounted over your mantle.

Vivian, I'm shocked.

That's against the law.

It just so happens that Agnes

was cremated and her ashes

were scattered over Mamaroneck.

Yes, and if you ask
me... over Mamaroneck?

Yes. Her father had a live
bait store in Mamaroneck.

She spent many
happy hours there.

Here we go again.

Agnes, Agnes, Agnes.

Oh, come on, for
heaven's sake, Vivian.

Now, when Walter and I
first started going together,

I was constantly mentioning
my previous husband, Albert.

Walter never objected.

Well, if you don't
believe me, ask him.

He's an expert on this subject.

Well, frankly I
think Vivian is right.

What do you know?

If you have nothing
intelligent to contribute,

then just get out
of the conversation.

Well, I can see how Arthur is
mentioning Agnes all the time

could really drive
Vivian up a wall.

Thank you, Walter.

You're welcome, Vivian.

Maude is right,
Walter, as usual.

Thank you, Arthur.

You're welcome.

Walter, I do not mention
Agnes all the time.

And I thank the Lord
for this one person

that isn't here tonight to
hear this stupid conversation

and that's my Agnes.

All right. You did it again.

I'm fed up. I am
fed, fed, fed, fed up,

up, up, up.

And as for you, Arthur Harmon.

I will never go out
with a widower again,

unless his wife is still alive.

Thank you, Walter. I
don't care for your attitude.

And a fat lot of good being
witty and debonair did me.

And speaking of
fat, look at your duck.

A fine evening this
turned out to be,

a vindictive woman
and a fat duck.

Well, Arthur and
Vivian are gone.

They'll probably never
speak to each other again.

You see what you did?

What I did?

Come on, Maude, get off my back.

Vivian had a perfect
right to be fed up.

Oh, come on. Vivian was
behaving completely irrationally

and stupid which
she caught from you.

Vivian's reaction
was perfectly natural.

Vivian's getting
hysterical over Agnes

was perfectly natural?

That's right. It was
perfectly natural,

like, the way I felt about
this house when I moved in.

I mean, Arthur is just
gonna have to realize that

and bear with Vivian

until they can work out
their problems together.

Walter, Walter, what
about this house?

- What house?
- This house.

Your feelings about this house.

Nothing. It was nothing.

Look, this is a marvelous house

and I mean it's got
a great floor plan,

a lot of windows, nice
neighborhood, Maude,

and the garbage
picked up twice a week.

What about this house?

Come back with my...

Not until you tell
me what you got to...

Let me have that
duck. I want that duck.

You're just like a man.

A crisis in our marriage

and all you can think
about is your duck.

What crisis?

It's just that I resented
moving into this house.

That's all. Now,
come on. I'm hungry.

Give me my duck.

Walter, you have
lived in this house

for five years and hated it?

I don't hate it, Maude.

It's just that before me
you lived in this house

with another husband, Albert.

So it finally comes out.

Five years in this house

and you've been
constantly thinking Albert,

Albert, Albert.

Maude, believe me.

Look, it used to
bother me at first,

but it doesn't anymore.

Now, the name, Albert
never enters my mind.

Never.

Oh, Walter.

If I could believe
that, I'd be the...

I'd be the happiest
wife in the world.

Then, you are the
happiest wife in the world.

Really, Walter?

I swear it, Albert.

- Thank you, Walter.
- Maude, come on.

It was a mistake.
It was a mistake.

I didn't mean that... I mean that
just came out like that, Maude.

I... look, what are you
doing with that duck?

I'm getting rid of it so it
won't remind you of Albert.

Maude...

everything else in this house
may have belonged to Albert,

but that duck was mine.

I don't wanna hear
about the house.

You obviously, hate the house.

Maude, you're
misunderstanding everything.

So, I happened to
mention Albert's house.

Did I say one word
about Albert's chair,

about Albert's desk,
about Albert's rugs?

Ah, I know what's bothering you.

And it is not Albert's chair or
Albert's desk, or Albert's rug,

it is Albert's bedroom.

And you might as well
hate the guest room

because that's
where Albert spent

the last six months of
our seven-month marriage.

Are you implying that I'm
jealous of Albert, Maude?

Well, I am not jealous.

Come on, of course
you're jealous, Walter.

You're so green, your
mustache looks like Astroturf.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, stop with that.

Sit down quietly

because I wanna talk to you.

Sweetheart... listen,
when we got married,

I wanted the joy
and the excitement

of the two of us discovering
our house together.

Our house.

I mean, exploring the kitchen,

you know, and deciding
what color to paint it,

imagining like where
the furniture would go,

and then buying the furniture.

That's all I meant, honey.

Oh, why didn't you mention this

before we got married, dearest?

I mean, I would have
understood this, darling.

Oh, come on now, sweetie.

You should have known how I felt

about this all
along, honeybunch.

How precious.

Was it written in a
fortune cookie I missed?

You didn't trust me.

You did not trust me, Walter,

to understand how you felt.

Maude, it had nothing
to do with trust in you.

I was gonna tell you,

but as the weeks went by

and they turned into months,

well, you seemed
to be so happy here.

So, I accepted it and
I learned to live with it.

Like a man with a goiter.

You learned to live
with a two-story goiter.

Walter, how could
you keep it from?

How could you keep
from the woman you love,

something that was
eating your heart out?

I learned to live with it
and I love it. So, shut up.

I don't wanna talk about
this lousy place anymore.

That's right. Kick
Albert's table.

- Come on, will you?
- Kick it.

- Kick Albert's table.
- Maude.

You wanna kick Albert's table?

Kick Albert's table.

If it'll make you any happier,

I will kick Albert's table.

Ow, ooh.

Come here. Did
you hurt yourself?

- Yeah.
- Good.

That was Chester's
table, not Albert's.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Maude, where are you going?

To the den, Albert's den.

I don't wanna talk to you.

Unlock this door.

I wanna talk to you now.

- Can you hear me?
- Walter, Walter.

Oh, Arthur, what do you want?

I need your help.

Oh, Arthur, will you go home?

Maude and I are having
a battle that makes yours

and Vivian's look
like a pajama party.

Walter, you got to help me.

Where's your Epsom salts?

Now, Vivian won't
even talk to me.

You're lucky.

I called her three times

and she wouldn't answer.

And she called me to
tell me she was so upset

she needs a tranquilizer.

So, I rushed right over.

She took her tranquilizer and
slammed the door in my face.

I got so angry I
banged the door.

Look at that.

Ten minutes ago, that
was the delicate hand

of a skilled surgeon.

If that swelling
doesn't go down,

I'm having to lose
two appendectomies

and a gall bladder.

Arthur.

Well, gall bladders don't
grow on trees, you know.

Oh, hi there, Maudie.

For crying out loud, Maude.

What are you looking for?

Albert's hammer.

What are you gonna use it on?

The justice of the
peace who married us.

How do you like that, Arthur?

For five years, I've
buried my feelings

so I won't hurt the woman I love

and then you come
along and talk about Agnes

and you hurt Vivian's feelings.

Then I talked about Albert,
I hurt Maude's feelings.

Take it from me, Arthur.

Do yourself a favor and
don't get married again.

Me, married again?

No chance to that, old buster.

No more marriage for
old Arthur Q. Harmon.

Arthur Q. Harmon?

For Quince. My father
was fond of tropical fruits.

(thudding)

Well, I hope that's something
of Albert she's banging on.

What are you doing?

Can't you tell? I'm building
a stairway to the stars.

Maude, give me that.
You'll hurt yourself.

Now, look, Maude,
about the house...

I don't wanna hear another
word about the house.

There.

Now, what's this sign for?

Our front lawn.

Are you crazy? We're
not selling this house.

You hate this house,
we will sell this house.

Are you trying to
make me feel guilty?

Okay, then sell the
house for all I care.

I'll even help you
drive the stake in.

You'll help me
drive the stake in?

Okay, Walter.

Drive the stake to my house

and the two of us will
live in Transylvania

and we will become Draculalala.

I'm married to a
five-foot-ten fruitcake.

I will put the sign out myself.

I'm the real estate person,

I will sell the house.

Oh, oh, Maude, I got to
talk to you. I'm so upset.

- Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
- Oh, thank you, Maude.

Now, that we've
had our little chat

and you're feeling
better, go home.

Maude, you're not
putting that sign up.

Vivian.

Arthur? Was that you? Arthur?

Arthur?

All right. Arthur,

Arthur, I think it's
time we had this...

What happened to my baby's hand?

I punched your door
right in the knocker.

Oh, oh, oh, let's see.

Oh, let Vivian kiss
it and make it better.

Is that better?

You know that does feel better?

- Oh.
- It really does.

Oh, Vivian, with a
woman like you around,

who needs Epsom salts?

Oh, do you mean that?

I do, I do. I really do.

Oh.

Arthur, we might as well
stop seeing each other.

How can you say that, Vivian?

Well, because it's true.

How can we have a
meaningful relationship

when you can't ever bury Agnes?

Vivian...

if I could find
her, I'd bury her.

I really mean that.

The only reason I keep
mentioning Agnes is because...

Well, she's all I've ever had

until I met you.

Oh, Arthur, if I only
I could believe that,

I'd marry you in a minute.

Believe it, Vivian. Believe it.

Arthur?

Yeah.

Arthur, you just made me

the happiest woman in the world.

What did I say? What did I say?

Walter, that sign
stays out on the lawn.

Only if this house is moved.

Walter, don't start...

Oh, Maude, you're
not going to believe this.

Arthur and I are engaged.

We're gonna be married.

Honey, that's wonderful.

Vivian, Vivian...

Arthur, Arthur, I understand

congratulations are in order.

I don't know. Vivian
and I were in the kitchen

and we were talking
there and I didn't seem to...

you really are getting married?

Yes, yes, I, I, I can
hardly believe it.

No, I can't, either.

I can't either.

So they really are
going to get married.

I hope it wasn't
something I said.

We're actually engaged.

I don't know where I
got the nerve to ask you.

Well, it looks
like the four of us

will be next door neighbors.

Next door neighbors?

Well, naturally we're
gonna move in to my house.

It's bigger than your house.
It has everything we need.

Oh, well, of course if
you really feel that way.

- Come along, my dear.
- I thought...

I wanna show you something.

I wanna show you something I
have never shown you before.

You are going to love
Agnes' sewing room.

I haven't touched the thing

except to oil the machine

every year on our anniversary.

Come on.

Oh, honey, is that
what I did to you?

It wasn't that bad.

Albert didn't own
a sewing machine.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

I was pretty stupid.

Seeing Arthur and Vivian

makes me realize
how lucky we are.

Maude...

it's not a house of
furniture that make a home.

We can live in a
tent in the backyard.

We can live in the
garage, any place,

and it'd be our home

because we'd be there together.

Oh, Walter, you're
right, you're right, Walter.

And, Walter, we've been
together all over this house.

We fought in that corner

- and we fought in that corner.
- We fought upstairs.

And we fought in the basement.

We threw dishes in the kitchen.

And we threw phonograph
records in the den

We threw suitcases
out the window.

And you flushed my
eye lashes down the john.

Oh, honey.

Honey, our love is everywhere.

Oh.

I never heard of such a thing.

Now, I'll, I'll talk
to you later, Viv.

Well, Walter,

your friend has done it again.

Arthur? What's he done now?

Well, Viv wants to
get married right away

and Arthur said absolutely not.

He is calling it off?

No, he's just postponing it.

You see, since he's a doctor,

he gave Vivian the
blood test himself.

And he found out she
has low blood sugar.

So, he wants to
put off the wedding

until she raises it to
a marriageable level.

You're kidding.

And that's not all.

On top of everything,

he charged her $10
for the blood test.

(music playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ and then there's Maude ♪

♪ and then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪