Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 1 - Walter's Problem: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ And you're glad
she showed up ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That old compromisin',
enterprisin' anything ♪

♪ But tranquilizing,
right on Maude ♪

Walter.

Now, Walter.

Okay, I'll go first.

But, listen. I don't want
you pounding on the door,

telling me that I take
forever in the bathroom,

which is exactly half
as long as you take.

Okay, Walter, last chance.

You really must have
tied one on last night.

Well, when I came
up to bed at 10:30,



you guys were feeling
no pain even then.

And I knew the party
was getting out of hand

when you started playing
Frisbee with the frozen pizza.

What time did you finally
get up to bed, Walter?

Walter?

Walter?

Hi, Maude.

Oh, boy.

Sorry about last night, Maude.

I must have passed
out and slept on the sofa.

I wish to God I had.

What a hangover.

When I touch my
head, my feet hurt.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

What the hell is that?

Arthur!

Tell them I'm in surgery.

And wake me in an hour.

Arthur, I'm not usually
a suspicious person

but under the circumstances,

I think I deserve
an explanation.

So do I.

All right. Maude, exactly

what happened here last night?

Nothing.

Arthur, if you and I were
the last two people on Earth,

you and I would be the
last two people on Earth.

And as for the rest of it,

you're the one who
wound up in my bed,

so, start talking, buster.

What?

How dare you insinuate
that a man of my caliber

would covet his
best friend's wife?

Nothing personal, Maude,

but I wouldn't touch
you with a 10 foot pole.

Nothing personal, Arthur,

but that's the only way
you could touch me.

Will you two cut it out?

I still don't know how
wound up in bed with my wife.

It's all your fault, you know?

You got me so loaded,
I must have thought

I was in my own house.

And I came upstairs
and brushed my teeth,

flopped into bed.

You used my toothbrush, too?

What do you mean too?

I swear to you, buddy.

I didn't... I didn't
know she was there.

Really. I wouldn't
touch her with a 10 foot...

Once more with that
10 foot pole, Arthur,

and I'll club you
to death with it.

You know something, Arthur?

When you stop to think about it,

I mean you and Maude,
that's really kind of funny.

You know, when you stop
and think of it, it's a riot.

It's a riot?

With you two middle-aged school
boys bombed out of your skull

a girl isn't safe
in her own bed.

I could have been violated.

- By who?
- By who?

God will get you for that.

Both of you.

I've never seen 'em make
this much of a mess before.

If this place was in my
neighborhood, they'd condemn it.

And then, they'd
double the rent.

Florida, I would love
to help you clean up

but I really have to fix
Phillip's birthday cake.

- Uh-hmm.
- Holy mackerel.

Wow, we must had a
better time than I realized.

It certainly has
that lived-in look.

Well, well, look who's
here, Haig and Haig.

- Florida.
- Sorry about that, Florida.

Wow. Wait.

What happened?

The democratic headquarters
didn't look this bad

after the Watergate break-in.

Well, they were sober.

You know something, Walter?

It wouldn't hurt you to
stay sober one night either.

Give the liquor industry
a chance to retool.

Okay, Walter.

Which of you two
juvenile delinquents

put these holes in
my mother's face?

Don't blame Walter, Maude.

I made the holes.

All he did was suggest we use

your mother's
picture for a dartboard.

Darts, when did we play darts?

Right after you made
that obscene phone call.

I made an obscene phone call?

I suppose I should be thankful

my mother has an
unlisted number.

Well, he remembered it.

That he remembers.

When he's sober, he can't even
remember to put the seat down.

Hello?

Hello, Mother.

Yeah, I know.

I know. I know.

He said what?

No, I know it's not funny.

Oh, come on, Mother.

You call that obscene?

Now, you must have drinking.

I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Oh, Maude, I can't believe it.

I mean, me, make an
obscene phone call?

That's hostile. I'm not hostile.

Only when you drink, Walter.

Hey, Maude.

You went upstairs too early.

You missed our song
and dance last night.

- That's right.
- Walter, let's do it for her.

- Let's do it.
- Oh, please.

- Come on, Maude.
- Enough. Spare me...

- Now, come on. Sit down.
- He's got two left feet!

We got this one right this time.

You're gonna love it. Love it!

Ready? ♪ Dum dum
di dum dum dum ♪

♪ To the right, by the light ♪

♪ Not the dark, but
the light of the silvery ♪

♪ I was born in Old Kentucky ♪

♪ That is why they
call me Lucky ♪

♪ Spoon and fork, but a spoon ♪

♪ To my honey out ♪

♪ I was born in Tel Aviv ♪

♪ That is why they
call me Steve ♪

- ♪ Honeymoon ♪
- ♪ Honeymoon ♪

♪ Honeymoon ♪

Oh, no, no. Enough, enough.

Oy, a music to lose
your breakfast by.

Okay, okay.

Say, anybody care to join me

in a Bloody Mary?

- Oh, no.
- Walter, at this hour?

Okay. Do you wanna
be party poopers?

I'll just have one by myself.

A little pick me up to
get the old heart started.

♪ I was born in Kalamazoo ♪

♪ And that is why
they call me Fred ♪

Maude, I have to tell you,

strange as it may seem,

that was one of the best
night's sleep I had in years.

Thank you, Arthur.

It's very comforting to know

that I could replace
your teddy bear.

I don't believe it.

After last night, and
Walter is in there

getting ice for a Bloody Mary.

What do you expect
him to do for a hangover,

sip a glass of Bosco and
watch Captain Kangaroo?

Now, I suppose I
shouldn't be surprised.

After all, your generation
is the cocktail generation.

Well, it's a lot better than
smoking those funny cigarettes.

You can joke all
you want to, Arthur,

but alcohol is the
number one drug problem

in the country today.

There are 12 million
alcoholics in America, right?

She's right there, Maude.

Social drinking is
getting a little out of hand.

I see it around me all the time.

Arthur, social
drinking is just that.

I could quit any
time I wanted to.

Well, so, could
I for that matter.

Oh, yes?

Why don't you then?

I'll tell you why you don't.

You can't give it up.

You're hooked.

You really think you
know your mother, hmm?

Well, I'll tell you something.

I am gonna give up
drinking for a month.

How about you, Arthur?

I'm with you, Maude.

Just like that.

It won't be all that easy
for old Walter, though.

How can you talk about Walter?

You're the one who
got so bombed last night,

you ended up in my bed.

What?

It's not what you think, Carol.

No. I wouldn't touch
your mother with...

Look, Arthur...

Three times, you
are definitely out.

Now, what we're you
saying about Walter?

Well, nothing, nothing, nothing.

It's just that...

Well, Walter doesn't drink
the way you and I do, Maude.

- I thought you knew that.
- Oh, come on.

Arthur, are you implying
that Walter and I...

Mother, he isn't
implying anything.

He's saying Walter
has a problem.

My Walter, a drinking problem?

Oh, come on. I don't believe so.

Hey, what idiot forgot
to fill the ice trays?

I had to chip the
frost off of the coils.

Now, then, last call
for Bloody Marys.

Well, I guess I better
get back to my cake.

Honey, you know,
Carol just pointed out

that we have been doing an
awful lot of drinking around here.

So, Arthur and I
have decided to quit.

Great idea.

It'll leave a lot more for me.

Frankly, Walter, when
we decided to quit,

we just assumed
that you'd quit with us.

You got to be kidding.

Me, quit drinking,
old hollow leg Findlay?

Forget it.

If I woke up in the morning

without a hangover, I'd be sick.

Walter, we're serious.

Now, why don't we all quit
together, the three of us?

Yeah. If the three of
us quit at the same time,

it'll make that much easier.

The Three Musty Steers.

You really want
me in, don't you?

I'll tell you what
I'm willing to do.

I'm gonna make you
a sporting proposition.

I'm gonna bet you $100

that I can stay off the
sauce longer than you can.

One hundred bucks?

You better watch it, Arthur.

That'll be the easiest

hundred bucks
ever made in my life.

You see?

Well, just say it's a deal

starting right now.

Starting right now.

Right this minute.

- Okay, Arthur, it's a deal.
- Oh, honey.

- I'm so proud of you.
- Terrific! Good guy.

Good.

Let's drink to it.

Here you are, Mr. Findlay.

Thanks, Sally.

Dr. Harmon will be
along in a minute.

Is something wrong?

I've never seen a grown man

drink a Shirley Temple before.

Neither have I.

Yuck.

Do you wanna wait or
would you like to order?

The usual, Sally,
two turkey salads.

♪ I was born in old Sheboygan ♪

♪ That is why
I'm off to workin' ♪

Sorry, I'm late old buddy.

I had to attend a seminar on
acupuncture and I got stuck.

I made that up myself.

Say, what are we drinking?

Shirley Temples.

Shirley Temples?

♪ On the good ship, lollipop ♪

- Bottoms up.
- Bottoms up.

Oh, that's not bad.

- Not good.
- Not good but it's not bad.

- Hello, beautiful.
- Hello, doc.

Sally, another round, please?

Another Shirley Temple?

Did you kids bring
a note from home?

I missed.

It's a game of inches,
Walter. A game of inches.

How long is it been since

you had lunch
without a few martinis?

Years.

But don't give me any of
that holier than thou, Arthur.

Drinking at lunch is as
American as apple pie.

Yeah, but between the
martinis you have with lunch

and that couple you
had before dinner

and the cognac after,

I haven't seen you without
a buzz on for months.

So, what's a little
buzz between friends?

Dean Martin gets a zillion
dollars a year for his buzz

and he's funny.

Show Business people
making fun of drinking

is part of the problem, Walter.

We're not talking
about Dean Martin,

we're talking about
Walter Findlay.

And we're talking about
me like I'm a common drunk.

No, now, come on.

Nobody said anything
about you being drunk.

As a matter of fact,
I'm proud of you

for getting off the stuff

because when you do drink,

your personality changes.

You become a different man.

Here you are, kiddies.

Hey, beautiful.

How do you like to run
away with me to Jersey City?

I'll have to ask my husband.

If I wanted to
take your husband,

I'd have asked him myself.

That's funny, doc.

What's funny about that, Walter?

Arthur, you're just
a dirty old doctor.

Oh, no, they expect it of me.

You know, attractive bachelor,

good catch, all of
that sort of thing.

Oh, this Shirley
Temples grow on you.

I'm beginning to like them.

Okay.

I owe you a hundred bucks.

So, you couldn't even
stay off it for a few hours?

Just keep it up, Walter,
and you're gonna turn into

one huge and large liver
with a mustache and bald spot.

Mother?

Mother! Mother!

Look, look.

Isn't it great?

It's Phillip's favorite color.

And it's got a horn.

It is lovely, Carol.

But, honey, don't you
think you better put it away

before Phillip gets home?

No. I had him
stay over at Andy's

so there wouldn't be any
chance of him seeing his surprise.

Oh, I love it.

I love it.

I never had a bike when
I was nine years old.

No, honey, but by
the time you were nine,

you'd had three fathers.

That's something
money can't buy.

I would have rather had a bike.

Now, you tell me.

Mother, it's none of my business

but I thought you all
agreed to stop drinking.

Yes, and we did.

But Carol, all bets are off.

Would you believe it?

Arthur caught Walter

spiking his Shirley Temples.

Walter is drinking,

he'll need somebody
to keep him company.

Oh, mother. Who are you kidding?

Come on, Carol.

I know my limit.

One martini, I'm charming.

Two, I'm irresistible.

And three I fall
flat on my olives.

Well, hang on
your olives, Mother,

because that's your second one.

If you ask me, you're
all behaving like lushes

especially Walter.

I didn't ask you and why
are you picking on Walter?

I'm not picking on him, Mother.

I'm just saying I think he
has a drinking problem.

Before you say word,

I have a little
confession to make.

I heard.

You're having an affair
with Shirley Temple.

Now, listen, Maude,

all I did was stop at the club

on the way home and
have one drink, a fifth.

"Where's Friday?" I
heard Dean Martin say that.

Mother, what do you
think you're doing?

Holding up my end of
the cocktail generation.

Okay, old hollow leg,
let's see who's hollower.

We're gonna be
a drinking couple.

Let's drink. Enjoy ourselves.

There's the old Maude
that I know and love!

♪ When it's apple blossom time ♪

♪ In Orange, New Jersey ♪

♪ We'll make a peach of a pair ♪

I don't understand you.

If you think you're
helping Walter,

you're out of your mind.

Well, it may not be
the way to help, Carol,

but it certainly is
the way to forget.

What do you mean
the way to forget?

What are you trying
to forget, Maude?

I'm just trying to
forget that I'm married

to a 50-year old bottled baby.

Hmm, look who's talking,

Ms. Linda Lovelush.

Walter, I'm only drinking

because you started
drinking at lunch.

How did you find out?

How did I find out?

I bugged your swizzle stick.

You drink because
you like to just like I do.

Admit it.

I won't admit it.

I don't enjoy anything
as much as you do.

What's this bike
doing over here?

Oh, honey, don't you remember?

That's our birthday
present for Phillip.

He's gonna be nine
years old tomorrow.

You don't say. How time flies.

One minute, they're children,

and the next minute,
they're nine years old.

Oh, come on.

- Walter, don't sit on it.
- Out of the way, Maude.

Honey, you'll break it.

Out of the way, here I come.

Evel Knievel rides again.

Broom, broom.

Come on, Walter.

Now, stop that.

Your daredevil days are over.

One more drink and
so here daredevil nights.

Walter, get off
Phillip's bicycle.

Okay.

I wasn't getting
any place anyway.

Mother, I have to pick
up some party favors.

I'll decorate the cake
when I come back.

Okay, honey. Don't
worry about a thing.

We'll keep an eye on it.

Good. She's gone.

Now, look, let's surprise her

and decorate the cake ourselves.

Oh, easy, Maude.

Easy.

You're in no condition
to decorate a cake.

You're sloshed.

How can you be "sho sure?"

How could I be "sho sure?"

Did you hear that?

You can't even say "sho sure."

Walter, you're the
one who's sloshed.

Where are you going?

To get the frosting.

- I'm going with you.
- No, come on, now.

You promised Carol you'd
keep an eye on the cake.

Oh, yeah, keep
an eye on the cake.

Okay, honey. Now,
I'll do the rosettes

and you do the
"Happy birthday, Phillip."

I don't wanna frost cake.

Oh, come on, honey.

I don't wanna frost cake.

You know, when
you drink, Walter,

you get so argumentative.

I'm sick and tired
of hearing that.

I am not argumentative.

When I drink, I'm a pussycat.

Meow, meow.

One more meow, pussycat,

and I'm gonna have you altered.

Oh, come on now, honey.

It's so easy.

I mean, you use it
just like you're shaving.

I never shave my shirt.

There, that's better.

Okay, honey.

"Happy Birthday Phillip."

Maude, I bet you
think I'm a drunk, hmm?

Come on, Walter, I never
said you were a drunk.

Walter, that
doesn't say "Happy,"

you spelled out "Hippy."

You put a candle on it.

They'll never notice.

Walter, look what you
did to Phillip's cake.

Look what you did
to your grandson's

birthday cake, Walter.

Walter, you only did that
because you were drinking.

You wouldn't do
that if you were sober.

There you go again, Maude,

implying that I'm
some kind of a madman

when I've had a drink.

Well, you are different, Walter.

Look at your face.

You look like you could kill.

If I commit murder,

it's because I've
been driven to it.

I can't take this
any longer, Maude.

I look at you and all
I see is resentment,

resentment and mistrust and...

Stop looking at me like that!

I'm not a cripple.

I'm not sick.

I drink because I like to.

And why do I have to
keep on defending myself?

Maude, I do not have
a drinking problem.

Do you hear me?

I am not a problem drinker.

Did you hear me, Maude?

Maude!

I asked you a question, damn it.

Oh, my God.

Walter, you didn't hurt me.

Come on, honey.

Walter, it's just
a little problem.

We'll lick it together.

Honey, everything is
gonna be all right, Walter.

Walter, don't cry.

Come on, we'll
work it out, honey.

We'll work it out.

You put a candle on it.

They'll never notice.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you've just seen the first
part of Walter's Problem.

Please tune in Maude next week

for the conclusion
of Walter's Problem

and see how Maude deals with it.

Honey, everything is
gonna be all right, Walter.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude,

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on Maude ♪