Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 9 - Maude's Dilemma: Part 1 - full transcript
Maude must make a difficult decision when she finds out she's pregnant at 47.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Phillip must be
feeling better, Florida.
He ate two helpings of ice
cream and he kept them down.
Did I get any mail?
Yeah, on the desk.
It's none of my business,
but how come
most of your letters
have "Ms." in
front of your name?
That's the result
of women's lib.
You know, all men
are called "Mister,"
so we can't tell if
they're married or single.
But with women, we're
either "Miss" or "Mrs."
So you know if they're
married or single or not.
Anyway, to make things equal,
we have this new designation
in front of our names:
"Ms." Pronounced "miz."
But honey, that ain't new,
we been sayin' that for years.
Ms. Carol.
Well, you do
understand the "Ms."
Don't you, Florida?
Oh, sure.
Right now, you're divorced,
and you're liberated,
and you're mighty proud of
that "Ms." in front of your name.
But you're also
looking for a husband.
And something tells me,
as soon as you find him,
you're gonna go
screaming down the street,
"I'm a 'Mrs.' I'm a 'Mrs.'"
[DOOR BELL RINGS]
Hi, Carol. Hi, Viv.
Hi, Florida. Hi.
I guess I'm a little
early for the game, huh?
No, Mother's late.
Where is she?
Beats me. Last time
she was this late,
she was trying to talk herself
out of a speeding ticket.
How'd she make out?
Not too bad.
Paid $50 for the speeding,
and $50 for the talking.
VIVIAN: Hi, Maude.
CAROL: Hello, Mother.
Mother, it's after 8:00.
Carol, I'm proud of you.
Only 27 years old, and
already you tell time.
We were worried
about you, that's all.
Where have you been?
Where have I been?
I was out skating
with Peggy Fleming.
Mother, what are
you talking about?
Carol, "Life is Just
a Bowl of Cherries."
Do you know who wrote that song?
A deranged fruit peddler.
Hey, how about me?
Don't I even get a hello?
Hello, Vivian.
Now leave me alone.
What do you mean?
What is wrong with you?
What? What are you
carrying on about?
Will you two stop hounding me?
If there was something wrong,
don't you think you'd
see it in my behavior?
Now, please, until you
have something to go on,
let me alone!
[GROANING]
Oh, all right, Mother, if
that's the way you want it.
I've gotta check on Phillip.
He's got a touch of the flu.
Oh, and Walter called.
His plane gets in at 8:30,
and he'll take a cab
home from the airport.
Walter. Walter.
[GROANS]
Maude, you've got
to stop hitting yourself.
Oh, I can't, Vivian. The
pain takes my mind off...
Off what?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Oh, well, look, why don't I just
get the hell out of here then?
Vivian, you leave me
alone at a time like this,
and I'll rip your heart out.
Then tell me what's the matter.
Am I your best friend or not?
Now, what is it? Vivian, Vivian.
Vivian, how long have
we known each other?
Twenty-two years,
Maude. Twenty-two years.
We've been through
an awful lot together.
A lot.
Six husbands. Your two, my four.
For 22 years,
Vivian, we've been...
We've been everything
to each other.
There wasn't a confidence
that we couldn't share.
We've... We've been
like sisters, Vivian.
Like sisters, Maude.
Then can I trust
you to keep a secret?
What is it?
Don't look at me, Viv.
Vivian...
I'm pregnant.
You're kidding.
Aren't you?
You're pullin' my leg, Maude.
Maude?
Maude, please pull my leg.
Vivian, at age 62,
I'll be the mother
of an Eagle Scout.
I don't believe it.
No, they made a mistake.
Laboratories make mistakes.
There's no mistake,
Vivian. The rabbit died.
Laughing, no doubt.
But, Maude, you're
a grandmother.
With an 8-year-old grandson.
Vivian, do you know
what that means?
Do you know what that means?
That means that
I live in a house
where an uncle is about to
inherit his nephew's potty seat.
[SOBBING] Oh, Vivian, Vivian.
I was just coming into
the prime of my life.
I mean, Carol is bound
to get married again.
I was even thinking about
having the sofa recovered
and getting new carpeting.
I was even toying with the
idea of having my eyes done.
Now it's back to
Dr. Spock and spit-up and...
ugh.
Poor Phillip, he's
throwing up again.
I might as well go up
and practice with him.
What?
Vivian, you tell her.
Oh, no, not me.
Mother, what's wrong?
Now, you've got to
share this with me.
Honey, I'd give anything
to share this with you.
Vivian, please. Please.
All right, Carol,
come here, honey.
Let me try to tell
you something.
Yeah, Carol, you remember
when you were
just a little girl,
maybe, oh, five
or six years old,
and you used to come
to me and you'd say,
[CHILDISHLY] "Auntie Vivian,
you know my mommy too.
"You tell her for me.
I want a little
brother or sister."
Do you remember that?
[GRUNTS]
Well, honey,
your mother has finally
decided to grant your wish.
You're kidding?
You're putting me on?
You've gotta be putting me on.
Mother, tell me it's not true.
All right, it's not true.
Now, just promise me
you won't get jealous
and hit the baby!
B-but how did it happen?
Mother, Mother,
you're 47 years old,
Walter's 49. This is no
time to be having a baby.
No time for who to
be having a baby?
Miss Carol... Oh,
not me, Florida.
Miss Cavender?
Oh, not me, Florida.
Oh, my achin' back.
Mother, what are you doing?
Well, I'm... I'm just figuring
how many yards
of tubing it'll take
from the exhaust
pipe to the rear window
on a '69 Corvair.
Look, there's only one
sensible way out of this.
You don't have to have the baby.
Oh, what will I do?
Trade it in for a volleyball
on Let's Make a Deal?
Well, I'm leaving.
Maude... if you're
sorry, I'm sorry.
Thanks, Florida,
I appreciate it.
Good night. Good night.
BOTH: Good night,
Florida. Good night.
Listen, Mother, give me this.
You don't have to
think that way anymore.
It's legal now. You
know, she's right.
It's legal in New York state.
You better give that a thought.
I have given it a thought.
Oh, I don't know, I don't know.
I just don't know.
Oh, Mother, I'm so
sorry. Oh, save it, Carol.
She'll need it more, later.
Say, in about six months
when she looks
like a water buffalo
in one of those
little flowered tents.
Thanks, Vivian, I
really needed that.
Maude...
you haven't told
Walter yet, have you?
You think he'll be pleased?
Well, let me put
it this way, Vivian.
You know how pleased I am.
Walter will be twice as pleased.
Here comes Arthur.
Arthur?
Oh, I forgot we're
playing bridge tonight.
Carol, Vivian, please sit down.
Shh, qu... Not a
word, not a word.
If Arthur Harmon
found out that at my age,
I was pregnant, he'd
laugh himself sick.
[LAUGHING]
Arthur, how did you find out?
I'm sorry, Maude, it's not you.
It's just I keep
seeing that dumb look
that Walter's going to have
on his face when he finds out.
[LAUGHS]
I'm sorry, Maudey,
really, honestly I am,
but I can't help it.
That dumb look on Walter's face
keeps popping up into my mind.
[CHUCKLES]
Hi, Viv. Hi, Carol.
How did you find out, Arthur?
You tortured my
gynecologist, didn't you?
Maude, Dr. Tarpin and I happened
to intern together at Bellevue.
We also happen to have
offices on the same floor.
So when I saw you leaving
with that expression on your face,
I just, well, uh, heh-heh...
Anyway, congratulations,
little mother.
Little mother?
Arthur Harmon, that is
the most insensitive thing.
[ALL CLAMORING]
I am 47 years old!
Everybody, let's just
play cards. Let's...
Good idea.
Come on, Mother. It'll
take your mind off of things.
Only if we play for
the next nine months.
Maude, one thing I don't
understand about all this.
Weren't you using the pill?
No, it gives me migraines.
What did you do, Mother?
Cross your fingers?
Well, you're not gonna
tell me you were using
some old-fashioned method.
Bingo, and the
old-fashioned thing happened.
I got pregnant.
Now, wait a minute.
There's no such
thing as old-fashioned.
Hippocrates described the
IUD thing over 2,000 years ago.
Oh, it's so unfair. They
can put a man on the moon,
but women are using the
same birth control men...
Oh, come on, girls, let's play.
It's my bid and I say, uh, pass.
[SCOFFS] I don't even
have to arrange these.
Two no trump.
Pass. Pass.
Maude, your partner
just bid two no trump.
That means you're
supposed to let her know
what's in your hand.
There, look!
Mother.
Leave her alone. Can't
you see she's upset?
I think all three of you are
getting nutty on this subject.
Now, Maude, I grant you
that the autumn years of life
are not the ideal time
to be raising a baby.
The autumn years of life?
Arthur, leave it to you to
sound just like a Hallmark card.
Arthur, how can you
be so insensitive?
Not just to my mother...
Arthur, when are men
gonna take some responsibility
for birth control?
It's happening. It's happening.
Vasectomy for example.
More and more men are talking
about vasectomy all the time.
[SCOFFS] Walter's been
talking about it for two years.
Take it from me, Arthur,
talking about it doesn't work.
Harry Adams just
had a vasectomy.
Good man, Adams.
"Good man, Adams."
Arthur, one man's
vasectomy is not the answer.
Look. The way things are going,
if even older people like
my mother and Walter
start behaving like rabbits,
well, we're all going to
end up living like sardines.
Beautifully put, Carol.
I mean, it's not every mother
that gets to be called a rabbit.
Mother, that's not what I
meant. I just meant chauvinism...
If you didn't mean it...
What do you mean?
Hi, everybody.
[ALL CLAMORING]
Now, wait a minute!
[WHISTLES]
[WHISTLES]
[WOLF WHISTLES]
Walter!
[LAUGHING]
My, some little powwow you
guys are having over there.
Hi, Carol, Vivian. Hi.
Arthur. Walter.
Maude.
How's my baby?
[SIGHS]
Boy, am I glad to be back
from that appliance convention.
And, Maude, do I
have a surprise for you.
He has a surprise for me.
Folks, you're not
gonna believe this,
but I, Walter Findlay,
am going into
Japanese appliances.
Hey, come on,
what's going on here?
I just said I was going
into Japanese appliances.
Is that all I get from you?
Walter, Mother has
something to tell you too.
Carol. Mother, no
sense in delaying.
Carol, how can you do
this? Now is the best time.
What am I supposed
to do? Tell him, will you?
Tell him with the four
of you? All right, all right.
All right, all
right. I'll tell him.
You might as well,
Maude. You're the dummy.
Come into the kitchen, Walter.
What's the matter? Did
you wreck the car again?
Did you hear that,
everybody? Did you hear that?!
Not "Maude, are you sick?"
or "Maude, are you unhappy?"
or even "Maude, are
you pregnant?" No.
"Maude, did you
wreck the car again?"
You're right, darling.
I mean, you're absolutely
right, and I'm sorry.
So tell me, sweetheart,
are you sick?
No.
Are you unhappy?
No.
Are you pregnant?
Yes.
[CHOKING]
Did you tell him? Yes.
How did he take it?
I don't know. He was
looking the other way.
[GASPING]
[RETCHING]
Mother, aren't you worried
about Walter alone in there?
Oh, no. All the knives are dull,
and he can't fit
into the blender.
Why don't I go and check?
Stay where you are. Look,
if there were anything
wrong with Walter,
I'd be the first to know.
[GASPING]
He's taking it pretty well.
[GASPING]
I think there's something
wrong with him.
He just loves my chicken.
[GASPING]
There is something wrong
with him. He's choking.
Get some bread from
the kitchen. Walter.
Sit down. Just sit down here.
Get a glass of water.
What happened? A
chicken? A chicken bone?
Oh, it's all my
fault. It's all my fault.
Here. I should never
have mentioned the baby.
Oh, good. [GASPS]
Just a little bite.
Take the bread.
Now, chew it up.
Easy, slowly, darling.
Please, slowly, slowly.
Now swallow it, swallow it.
Got to get it all down. Slowly.
That'll do it. See?
Easy, sweetheart.
That's it. That's it.
That's good. That's it.
[INHALES]
[WHIMPERS]
Are you okay?
There now, you
all right, Walter?
That's $20 for a house call.
[EXHALES]
Listen, Walter,
before you swallowed the bone,
did you hear what I told you?
Uh, is there anything
you want to say?
What is it, Walter?
If it's true, give me
another chicken leg.
It's a mistake,
isn't it, Arthur?
It's a false pregnancy.
They happen all
the time, don't they?
The tests were positive, Walter.
Then it must be something else
going around, like the measles.
Maude, we've seen
enough movies together.
This is the place in the movie
where they say, "We're kidding."
You were kidding, weren't...?
We're not kidding,
Walter. The rabbit died.
I know how he feels.
Arthur... in 13 years...
I'll be the 62-year-old father
of an Eagle Scout!
[LAUGHING]
There's the look.
Look, you can see it.
I knew he'd do
it, and there it is!
Arthur,
my life is flashing
in front of me,
and you're laughing.
Oh, never mind
about him, Walter.
Who are you to get upset?
Nothing's gonna happen to you.
You're not the one that
has to carry this baby.
She's right. I am the one
who's going to have to
sit in that doctor's office
with all those
pregnant 25-year-olds.
Yep, one look at you,
and they'll probably laugh
themselves into premature labor.
Maude, I'm leaving.
I think you wanna
be alone with Walter.
I don't wanna be alone
with that man again
as long as I live.
I don't blame you.
Walter, what can I say?
Try, "Good night," Vivian.
Good night, Vivian.
You too, Arthur.
I'm going. I just want to
say one word before I go.
I want both of you to look
on the affirmative
side of this thing.
I mean, look at it this way.
If it's a boy, Walter will have
someone to carry on his name.
Arthur, from now on,
Walter's name is "Mud."
You wanna name a kid
"Mud," you get pregnant.
Well, what can I say?
Rotsa ruck.
That's to go with your
Japanese appliances.
[LAUGHS]
Better make me a double.
I'm drinking for two, you know.
Excuse me.
I think I'll check
up on Phillip.
Maude, I don't know what to say.
I know it's crazy, but
I'm excited about this.
And if I'm excited about it,
I should be happy about it.
But I'm not, Maude, I'm not.
I understand.
Ah, we're too old.
I mean, it's not going to be
any fun having a two-year-old
who can beat you up the stairs.
But the time will come,
Maude, when we'll be free again.
I mean, the child grows up,
goes to college,
meets a girl or a fella,
and gets married.
Then gets a divorce,
moves back into the house,
probably with an 8-year-old kid.
God'll get you for that, Walter.
I think he already has.
Phillip's asleep.
You know, I've been thinking.
There is no earthly reason
for you to go through
with this at your age.
You know it, I know it,
Walter knows it... I
don't want you to talk...
Just don't talk... Wait,
I didn't say anything,
but now that
you've mentioned it,
it's legal in New
York now, isn't it?
Of course it is, Walter.
Mother, I don't
understand your hesitancy.
When they made it
a law, you were for it.
Of course, I wasn't
pregnant then.
Mother, it's ridiculous,
my saying this to you.
We're free.
We finally have the right
to decide what we can do
with our own bodies. All right.
Then will you please
get yours into the kitchen?
You're just scared.
I am not scared.
You are, and it's as simple
as going to the dentist.
Now I'm scared.
Mother, listen to me.
It's a simple operation now.
But when you were
growing up, it was illegal.
And it was dangerous,
and it was sinister,
and you've never
gotten over that.
Now, you tell
me that's not true.
It's not true.
And you're right,
I've never gotten over it.
It's not your fault.
When you were young,
abortion was a dirty word.
It's not anymore.
Now, you think about that.
You know, Maude, you've
got one hell of a daughter.
Oh, Walter, it's so silly.
It's really dumb.
I mean, it's...
It's not just that I'm scared.
It's, like, deep down inside me,
there's a teeny part of me
that feels guilty for
even thinking about it.
Well, I'll tell you this, Maude.
Whatever you decide is
going to be all right with me.
Thank you, Walter.
I'll tell you
something else too.
To make sure this
doesn't happen again...
I'm going to have
that vasectomy.
You really mean that, Walter?
Why not?
It's a simple operation.
Like going to the dentist.
Well, maybe I ought
to think about it.
And you, Maude?
I don't know. I don't know.
I guess I'll just have
to think about it too.
Sweetheart...
whatever you decide.
Walter... don't pat me there.
That's what started
this whole thing.
Boy, I bet Mother never
slept a wink last night.
Nope, you're wrong.
I don't understand it,
but she slept like a log.
Good morning, Maude.
Good morning, Mother.
Quiet, not another word.
I don't want anything to knock
this dream out of my head.
All last night,
I was the heroine
of a soap opera,
There's Always Tomorrow.
As an infant, I was left
on a coal miner's doorstep,
spent my formative years
with a band of roving gypsies,
grew up and married
an Italian nobleman,
and at age 47, I got pregnant.
ANNOUNCER: And now some
scenes from next week's Maude.
No, the point I'm
trying to make, honey,
is that I am going
to have this baby
because Walter wants it.
WALTER: Well, no, I
don't think so, Arthur.
The way Maude was
tossing and turning last night,
I just know she wants
to have that baby.
Walter... I've decided
to have the baby.
I mean, a woman has a right
to know how her husband feels.
I think you know
how I feel, Maude.
I want whatever you want.
And I want what
you want, Walter.
Then it's settled.
Because I trust you
to know what I want.
Anyway, you won't have
to make this decision again.
Wait a minute, Walter.
Walter, what's that
supposed to mean?
I spoke to Arthur, and
he spoke to Dr. Mingo,
and he arranged for me to
get a vasectomy after golf.
A vasectomy after golf.
It sounds like a new
play by Noel Coward.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Phillip must be
feeling better, Florida.
He ate two helpings of ice
cream and he kept them down.
Did I get any mail?
Yeah, on the desk.
It's none of my business,
but how come
most of your letters
have "Ms." in
front of your name?
That's the result
of women's lib.
You know, all men
are called "Mister,"
so we can't tell if
they're married or single.
But with women, we're
either "Miss" or "Mrs."
So you know if they're
married or single or not.
Anyway, to make things equal,
we have this new designation
in front of our names:
"Ms." Pronounced "miz."
But honey, that ain't new,
we been sayin' that for years.
Ms. Carol.
Well, you do
understand the "Ms."
Don't you, Florida?
Oh, sure.
Right now, you're divorced,
and you're liberated,
and you're mighty proud of
that "Ms." in front of your name.
But you're also
looking for a husband.
And something tells me,
as soon as you find him,
you're gonna go
screaming down the street,
"I'm a 'Mrs.' I'm a 'Mrs.'"
[DOOR BELL RINGS]
Hi, Carol. Hi, Viv.
Hi, Florida. Hi.
I guess I'm a little
early for the game, huh?
No, Mother's late.
Where is she?
Beats me. Last time
she was this late,
she was trying to talk herself
out of a speeding ticket.
How'd she make out?
Not too bad.
Paid $50 for the speeding,
and $50 for the talking.
VIVIAN: Hi, Maude.
CAROL: Hello, Mother.
Mother, it's after 8:00.
Carol, I'm proud of you.
Only 27 years old, and
already you tell time.
We were worried
about you, that's all.
Where have you been?
Where have I been?
I was out skating
with Peggy Fleming.
Mother, what are
you talking about?
Carol, "Life is Just
a Bowl of Cherries."
Do you know who wrote that song?
A deranged fruit peddler.
Hey, how about me?
Don't I even get a hello?
Hello, Vivian.
Now leave me alone.
What do you mean?
What is wrong with you?
What? What are you
carrying on about?
Will you two stop hounding me?
If there was something wrong,
don't you think you'd
see it in my behavior?
Now, please, until you
have something to go on,
let me alone!
[GROANING]
Oh, all right, Mother, if
that's the way you want it.
I've gotta check on Phillip.
He's got a touch of the flu.
Oh, and Walter called.
His plane gets in at 8:30,
and he'll take a cab
home from the airport.
Walter. Walter.
[GROANS]
Maude, you've got
to stop hitting yourself.
Oh, I can't, Vivian. The
pain takes my mind off...
Off what?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Oh, well, look, why don't I just
get the hell out of here then?
Vivian, you leave me
alone at a time like this,
and I'll rip your heart out.
Then tell me what's the matter.
Am I your best friend or not?
Now, what is it? Vivian, Vivian.
Vivian, how long have
we known each other?
Twenty-two years,
Maude. Twenty-two years.
We've been through
an awful lot together.
A lot.
Six husbands. Your two, my four.
For 22 years,
Vivian, we've been...
We've been everything
to each other.
There wasn't a confidence
that we couldn't share.
We've... We've been
like sisters, Vivian.
Like sisters, Maude.
Then can I trust
you to keep a secret?
What is it?
Don't look at me, Viv.
Vivian...
I'm pregnant.
You're kidding.
Aren't you?
You're pullin' my leg, Maude.
Maude?
Maude, please pull my leg.
Vivian, at age 62,
I'll be the mother
of an Eagle Scout.
I don't believe it.
No, they made a mistake.
Laboratories make mistakes.
There's no mistake,
Vivian. The rabbit died.
Laughing, no doubt.
But, Maude, you're
a grandmother.
With an 8-year-old grandson.
Vivian, do you know
what that means?
Do you know what that means?
That means that
I live in a house
where an uncle is about to
inherit his nephew's potty seat.
[SOBBING] Oh, Vivian, Vivian.
I was just coming into
the prime of my life.
I mean, Carol is bound
to get married again.
I was even thinking about
having the sofa recovered
and getting new carpeting.
I was even toying with the
idea of having my eyes done.
Now it's back to
Dr. Spock and spit-up and...
ugh.
Poor Phillip, he's
throwing up again.
I might as well go up
and practice with him.
What?
Vivian, you tell her.
Oh, no, not me.
Mother, what's wrong?
Now, you've got to
share this with me.
Honey, I'd give anything
to share this with you.
Vivian, please. Please.
All right, Carol,
come here, honey.
Let me try to tell
you something.
Yeah, Carol, you remember
when you were
just a little girl,
maybe, oh, five
or six years old,
and you used to come
to me and you'd say,
[CHILDISHLY] "Auntie Vivian,
you know my mommy too.
"You tell her for me.
I want a little
brother or sister."
Do you remember that?
[GRUNTS]
Well, honey,
your mother has finally
decided to grant your wish.
You're kidding?
You're putting me on?
You've gotta be putting me on.
Mother, tell me it's not true.
All right, it's not true.
Now, just promise me
you won't get jealous
and hit the baby!
B-but how did it happen?
Mother, Mother,
you're 47 years old,
Walter's 49. This is no
time to be having a baby.
No time for who to
be having a baby?
Miss Carol... Oh,
not me, Florida.
Miss Cavender?
Oh, not me, Florida.
Oh, my achin' back.
Mother, what are you doing?
Well, I'm... I'm just figuring
how many yards
of tubing it'll take
from the exhaust
pipe to the rear window
on a '69 Corvair.
Look, there's only one
sensible way out of this.
You don't have to have the baby.
Oh, what will I do?
Trade it in for a volleyball
on Let's Make a Deal?
Well, I'm leaving.
Maude... if you're
sorry, I'm sorry.
Thanks, Florida,
I appreciate it.
Good night. Good night.
BOTH: Good night,
Florida. Good night.
Listen, Mother, give me this.
You don't have to
think that way anymore.
It's legal now. You
know, she's right.
It's legal in New York state.
You better give that a thought.
I have given it a thought.
Oh, I don't know, I don't know.
I just don't know.
Oh, Mother, I'm so
sorry. Oh, save it, Carol.
She'll need it more, later.
Say, in about six months
when she looks
like a water buffalo
in one of those
little flowered tents.
Thanks, Vivian, I
really needed that.
Maude...
you haven't told
Walter yet, have you?
You think he'll be pleased?
Well, let me put
it this way, Vivian.
You know how pleased I am.
Walter will be twice as pleased.
Here comes Arthur.
Arthur?
Oh, I forgot we're
playing bridge tonight.
Carol, Vivian, please sit down.
Shh, qu... Not a
word, not a word.
If Arthur Harmon
found out that at my age,
I was pregnant, he'd
laugh himself sick.
[LAUGHING]
Arthur, how did you find out?
I'm sorry, Maude, it's not you.
It's just I keep
seeing that dumb look
that Walter's going to have
on his face when he finds out.
[LAUGHS]
I'm sorry, Maudey,
really, honestly I am,
but I can't help it.
That dumb look on Walter's face
keeps popping up into my mind.
[CHUCKLES]
Hi, Viv. Hi, Carol.
How did you find out, Arthur?
You tortured my
gynecologist, didn't you?
Maude, Dr. Tarpin and I happened
to intern together at Bellevue.
We also happen to have
offices on the same floor.
So when I saw you leaving
with that expression on your face,
I just, well, uh, heh-heh...
Anyway, congratulations,
little mother.
Little mother?
Arthur Harmon, that is
the most insensitive thing.
[ALL CLAMORING]
I am 47 years old!
Everybody, let's just
play cards. Let's...
Good idea.
Come on, Mother. It'll
take your mind off of things.
Only if we play for
the next nine months.
Maude, one thing I don't
understand about all this.
Weren't you using the pill?
No, it gives me migraines.
What did you do, Mother?
Cross your fingers?
Well, you're not gonna
tell me you were using
some old-fashioned method.
Bingo, and the
old-fashioned thing happened.
I got pregnant.
Now, wait a minute.
There's no such
thing as old-fashioned.
Hippocrates described the
IUD thing over 2,000 years ago.
Oh, it's so unfair. They
can put a man on the moon,
but women are using the
same birth control men...
Oh, come on, girls, let's play.
It's my bid and I say, uh, pass.
[SCOFFS] I don't even
have to arrange these.
Two no trump.
Pass. Pass.
Maude, your partner
just bid two no trump.
That means you're
supposed to let her know
what's in your hand.
There, look!
Mother.
Leave her alone. Can't
you see she's upset?
I think all three of you are
getting nutty on this subject.
Now, Maude, I grant you
that the autumn years of life
are not the ideal time
to be raising a baby.
The autumn years of life?
Arthur, leave it to you to
sound just like a Hallmark card.
Arthur, how can you
be so insensitive?
Not just to my mother...
Arthur, when are men
gonna take some responsibility
for birth control?
It's happening. It's happening.
Vasectomy for example.
More and more men are talking
about vasectomy all the time.
[SCOFFS] Walter's been
talking about it for two years.
Take it from me, Arthur,
talking about it doesn't work.
Harry Adams just
had a vasectomy.
Good man, Adams.
"Good man, Adams."
Arthur, one man's
vasectomy is not the answer.
Look. The way things are going,
if even older people like
my mother and Walter
start behaving like rabbits,
well, we're all going to
end up living like sardines.
Beautifully put, Carol.
I mean, it's not every mother
that gets to be called a rabbit.
Mother, that's not what I
meant. I just meant chauvinism...
If you didn't mean it...
What do you mean?
Hi, everybody.
[ALL CLAMORING]
Now, wait a minute!
[WHISTLES]
[WHISTLES]
[WOLF WHISTLES]
Walter!
[LAUGHING]
My, some little powwow you
guys are having over there.
Hi, Carol, Vivian. Hi.
Arthur. Walter.
Maude.
How's my baby?
[SIGHS]
Boy, am I glad to be back
from that appliance convention.
And, Maude, do I
have a surprise for you.
He has a surprise for me.
Folks, you're not
gonna believe this,
but I, Walter Findlay,
am going into
Japanese appliances.
Hey, come on,
what's going on here?
I just said I was going
into Japanese appliances.
Is that all I get from you?
Walter, Mother has
something to tell you too.
Carol. Mother, no
sense in delaying.
Carol, how can you do
this? Now is the best time.
What am I supposed
to do? Tell him, will you?
Tell him with the four
of you? All right, all right.
All right, all
right. I'll tell him.
You might as well,
Maude. You're the dummy.
Come into the kitchen, Walter.
What's the matter? Did
you wreck the car again?
Did you hear that,
everybody? Did you hear that?!
Not "Maude, are you sick?"
or "Maude, are you unhappy?"
or even "Maude, are
you pregnant?" No.
"Maude, did you
wreck the car again?"
You're right, darling.
I mean, you're absolutely
right, and I'm sorry.
So tell me, sweetheart,
are you sick?
No.
Are you unhappy?
No.
Are you pregnant?
Yes.
[CHOKING]
Did you tell him? Yes.
How did he take it?
I don't know. He was
looking the other way.
[GASPING]
[RETCHING]
Mother, aren't you worried
about Walter alone in there?
Oh, no. All the knives are dull,
and he can't fit
into the blender.
Why don't I go and check?
Stay where you are. Look,
if there were anything
wrong with Walter,
I'd be the first to know.
[GASPING]
He's taking it pretty well.
[GASPING]
I think there's something
wrong with him.
He just loves my chicken.
[GASPING]
There is something wrong
with him. He's choking.
Get some bread from
the kitchen. Walter.
Sit down. Just sit down here.
Get a glass of water.
What happened? A
chicken? A chicken bone?
Oh, it's all my
fault. It's all my fault.
Here. I should never
have mentioned the baby.
Oh, good. [GASPS]
Just a little bite.
Take the bread.
Now, chew it up.
Easy, slowly, darling.
Please, slowly, slowly.
Now swallow it, swallow it.
Got to get it all down. Slowly.
That'll do it. See?
Easy, sweetheart.
That's it. That's it.
That's good. That's it.
[INHALES]
[WHIMPERS]
Are you okay?
There now, you
all right, Walter?
That's $20 for a house call.
[EXHALES]
Listen, Walter,
before you swallowed the bone,
did you hear what I told you?
Uh, is there anything
you want to say?
What is it, Walter?
If it's true, give me
another chicken leg.
It's a mistake,
isn't it, Arthur?
It's a false pregnancy.
They happen all
the time, don't they?
The tests were positive, Walter.
Then it must be something else
going around, like the measles.
Maude, we've seen
enough movies together.
This is the place in the movie
where they say, "We're kidding."
You were kidding, weren't...?
We're not kidding,
Walter. The rabbit died.
I know how he feels.
Arthur... in 13 years...
I'll be the 62-year-old father
of an Eagle Scout!
[LAUGHING]
There's the look.
Look, you can see it.
I knew he'd do
it, and there it is!
Arthur,
my life is flashing
in front of me,
and you're laughing.
Oh, never mind
about him, Walter.
Who are you to get upset?
Nothing's gonna happen to you.
You're not the one that
has to carry this baby.
She's right. I am the one
who's going to have to
sit in that doctor's office
with all those
pregnant 25-year-olds.
Yep, one look at you,
and they'll probably laugh
themselves into premature labor.
Maude, I'm leaving.
I think you wanna
be alone with Walter.
I don't wanna be alone
with that man again
as long as I live.
I don't blame you.
Walter, what can I say?
Try, "Good night," Vivian.
Good night, Vivian.
You too, Arthur.
I'm going. I just want to
say one word before I go.
I want both of you to look
on the affirmative
side of this thing.
I mean, look at it this way.
If it's a boy, Walter will have
someone to carry on his name.
Arthur, from now on,
Walter's name is "Mud."
You wanna name a kid
"Mud," you get pregnant.
Well, what can I say?
Rotsa ruck.
That's to go with your
Japanese appliances.
[LAUGHS]
Better make me a double.
I'm drinking for two, you know.
Excuse me.
I think I'll check
up on Phillip.
Maude, I don't know what to say.
I know it's crazy, but
I'm excited about this.
And if I'm excited about it,
I should be happy about it.
But I'm not, Maude, I'm not.
I understand.
Ah, we're too old.
I mean, it's not going to be
any fun having a two-year-old
who can beat you up the stairs.
But the time will come,
Maude, when we'll be free again.
I mean, the child grows up,
goes to college,
meets a girl or a fella,
and gets married.
Then gets a divorce,
moves back into the house,
probably with an 8-year-old kid.
God'll get you for that, Walter.
I think he already has.
Phillip's asleep.
You know, I've been thinking.
There is no earthly reason
for you to go through
with this at your age.
You know it, I know it,
Walter knows it... I
don't want you to talk...
Just don't talk... Wait,
I didn't say anything,
but now that
you've mentioned it,
it's legal in New
York now, isn't it?
Of course it is, Walter.
Mother, I don't
understand your hesitancy.
When they made it
a law, you were for it.
Of course, I wasn't
pregnant then.
Mother, it's ridiculous,
my saying this to you.
We're free.
We finally have the right
to decide what we can do
with our own bodies. All right.
Then will you please
get yours into the kitchen?
You're just scared.
I am not scared.
You are, and it's as simple
as going to the dentist.
Now I'm scared.
Mother, listen to me.
It's a simple operation now.
But when you were
growing up, it was illegal.
And it was dangerous,
and it was sinister,
and you've never
gotten over that.
Now, you tell
me that's not true.
It's not true.
And you're right,
I've never gotten over it.
It's not your fault.
When you were young,
abortion was a dirty word.
It's not anymore.
Now, you think about that.
You know, Maude, you've
got one hell of a daughter.
Oh, Walter, it's so silly.
It's really dumb.
I mean, it's...
It's not just that I'm scared.
It's, like, deep down inside me,
there's a teeny part of me
that feels guilty for
even thinking about it.
Well, I'll tell you this, Maude.
Whatever you decide is
going to be all right with me.
Thank you, Walter.
I'll tell you
something else too.
To make sure this
doesn't happen again...
I'm going to have
that vasectomy.
You really mean that, Walter?
Why not?
It's a simple operation.
Like going to the dentist.
Well, maybe I ought
to think about it.
And you, Maude?
I don't know. I don't know.
I guess I'll just have
to think about it too.
Sweetheart...
whatever you decide.
Walter... don't pat me there.
That's what started
this whole thing.
Boy, I bet Mother never
slept a wink last night.
Nope, you're wrong.
I don't understand it,
but she slept like a log.
Good morning, Maude.
Good morning, Mother.
Quiet, not another word.
I don't want anything to knock
this dream out of my head.
All last night,
I was the heroine
of a soap opera,
There's Always Tomorrow.
As an infant, I was left
on a coal miner's doorstep,
spent my formative years
with a band of roving gypsies,
grew up and married
an Italian nobleman,
and at age 47, I got pregnant.
ANNOUNCER: And now some
scenes from next week's Maude.
No, the point I'm
trying to make, honey,
is that I am going
to have this baby
because Walter wants it.
WALTER: Well, no, I
don't think so, Arthur.
The way Maude was
tossing and turning last night,
I just know she wants
to have that baby.
Walter... I've decided
to have the baby.
I mean, a woman has a right
to know how her husband feels.
I think you know
how I feel, Maude.
I want whatever you want.
And I want what
you want, Walter.
Then it's settled.
Because I trust you
to know what I want.
Anyway, you won't have
to make this decision again.
Wait a minute, Walter.
Walter, what's that
supposed to mean?
I spoke to Arthur, and
he spoke to Dr. Mingo,
and he arranged for me to
get a vasectomy after golf.
A vasectomy after golf.
It sounds like a new
play by Noel Coward.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪