Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 8 - Flashback - full transcript
The early returns of the 1972 presidential election find Maude and Walter reminiscing to four years earlier when they were first dating.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYING]
♪ Lady Godiva was
A freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was The
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
MAN [ON TV]: So far,
our voting patterns...
Hey, Maude! Hurry up!
The early election
returns are coming in.
What, the election returns
are coming in already?
How we doing? How we doing?
Take it easy. It's a
little town in Maine.
Yeah? Six votes for
Nixon, four for McGovern.
Oh, my God, we're losing.
If you really do exist,
get even with Maine.
Maude. How do you know
he's not a Republican?
Walter, you start in with me,
and I'm gonna wear my
golf shoes to bed tonight.
Well, well, well, well, Maudie.
How do you like
the first returns?
Four votes for McGovern
and six for America.
Scratch Maine. Get Arthur.
That won't help, Maudie.
Remember, Nixon's the one.
And you're the other one.
Now, Maude...
I'm sorry, sweetheart, but
this is the most important
campaign I've
ever lived through.
What about the one in '68?
That's got to be more important.
That's when you and I
started going together.
That's right, Maude.
When I introduced you two,
little did I think...
Yeah, that's your
problem, Arthur.
Little do you think.
Honey, we never
started going together,
we started fighting together.
Will you ever forget
that last date we had
before we got married.
When you were so
impossible about the election?
MAUDE: I don't know what to say.
I mean, your attitude Walter,
leaves me completely speechless.
Walter, please. Maude.
How can anyone say
that there is no difference
between Hubert Humphrey
and Richard Nixon?
Hey, Maude, what is this, a
date or a political seminar?
I mean, for the past month,
I've been going with a warm,
wonderful, responsive woman,
and tonight she turns
out to be Mayor Daley.
I'm sorry, darling, but
how can an intelligent man
like you not vote?
Because with Nixon and Humphrey,
it's strictly tweedledum
or tweedledee.
And I personally have
no favorite tweedle.
You know, they
say that, uh, politics
makes strange bedfellows.
Let's check it out.
Walter. Walter.
Maude.
At my age, do you want me to
start getting pimples again?
Oh, you're evil, Walter.
You better believe it.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Did I ring your bell,
or was that the door?
Yes, honey, you rang my
bell, and that was the door.
Maude, what you did
today is a low, unspeakable,
underhanded, miserable, shoddy,
despicable thing to do.
I'm sorry to intrude, old buddy,
but this female friend of yours
pasted a Humphrey
bumper sticker on top of
my Nixon bumper sticker.
Well, you were gonna trade
the car in anyway, Arthur.
Walter, a Humphrey
bumper sticker
is no laughing matter.
I'm a physician.
You know old Doc Standbrook,
the head of surgery
over at the hospital.
Well, he told me in no
uncertain words that if I come out
on the side of socialized
medicine, he's gonna turn me
into a soprano.
Arthur, that would be
the musical
highlight of the year.
Too bad you don't want
to be on the winning team.
I am on the winning
team, Maudie.
I am voting for
Richard Milhous Nixon.
Oh, come on, Arthur.
This country will
never elect a man
who can't even shave properly.
Thanks to you Democrats,
Maude, this country has nothing
but social unrest.
Everybody's divided.
We're hopelessly embroiled in
that fiasco of a war in Vietnam.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Arthur.
I hate this war. You're
the one who's for it.
That's not true, Maude.
I was only for the war
if we were gonna win.
Anyway, Mr. Nixon's
going to get us out.
Ah. Now we come to that
famous secret plan of his.
Yes, and a darn good plan.
It'll end the war in six months.
Arthur. Arthur, if it's...
If it's so secret,
how do you know it's any good?
Oh. Would Mr. Nixon
let the whole world know
about a plan if he wasn't
sure it was gonna work?
No.
He'd keep it a secret.
You know, Arthur, you're gonna
make me take up smoking again.
Buddy, will you get out of here
and leave me alone with my girl?
All right. You don't have to
drop a ton of bricks on my head
to know when I'm not wanted.
Walter, remind me
to order a ton of bricks.
Go ahead, Maude, vote
for that radical Humphrey.
Next thing you know,
he'll be in China.
And China will be
in the United Nations.
Oh, the imagination on that man.
Maude, will you forget Arthur?
We're alone now.
Doesn't that suggest
something to you?
Discretion.
Carol and Phillip are upstairs.
Upstairs? Now?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. But she was feeling
so depressed about her divorce
that I asked her to move
in until it became final.
Well, that was
nice of you, Maude.
Carol having a home to come to
is certainly more important
than us being alone.
Let's go to my place.
Walter, at this hour?
Why not?
Oh. Come on, Walter, behave.
Behave?
You didn't say that
last Wednesday night.
Honey, you didn't give me
a chance to say anything
last Wednesday night. Yeah.
Oh, Walter. I can hardly
catch my breath now,
except to say one thing.
And what's that?
Honey, if you don't
vote, it might cost
the Democrats the election.
Maude, cut it out.
I'm fed up with politics.
I'm sorry,
sweetheart. I'm sorry.
It's just that I'm so
nervous about the election.
So, Maude... And I'm
so upset about Carol.
Maude. Then Arthur comes
in and gets me really...
Maude!
Sit!
I sat.
What did I do that for?
Walter.
Get out of my house!
What? Out, Walter. Out!
Out of my house.
Wh... What's going on?
Uh, I-I... No time for
questions, Walter, just go.
Well, I'm not going out
until I get an explanation.
I'll give you an
explanation. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow you'll get
an explanation, Walter.
On the phone. Out!
What's wrong?
Walter! That's what's wrong.
He's opinionated. He's stubborn.
He's domineering!
He's everything a
woman could want.
[SOBS] Carol, I'm
in love with him.
[GASPS] That's fantastic.
Carol, what is fantastic
about marriage?
Walter proposed?
No. But I thought
about him proposing.
That thought just sent
me into a blind panic.
Well, why? Why should
Walter proposing upset you?
Honey, I've had three failures.
I'm a career divorcée.
You don't have to tell me.
I know what you're
going through.
No. Honey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to remind you
of the pain you're
going through.
It's just that marriage
scares the hell out of me.
I'm no good at it.
Mother, that's not true.
You've just had bad luck,
and y... You shouldn't
blame yourself.
Carol, I should have
become a nun years ago.
When I still had
time to go Catholic.
Look... i-if Walter's
that important to you,
and you're afraid of
getting married, Mother,
this is 1968.
Why don't you
just live with him?
What kind of a
suggestion is that?
Well, it would
solve the problem.
Carol, Walter and I aren't
a couple of teenagers
with headbands and no underwear.
I mean, we can't just run off
and hide in a Volkswagen camper.
So, what are you gonna
do? Go back to the...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh. I swear I'm gonna
rip that doorbell out.
From now on, if anybody wants
to come in, they can stay out.
Maude... Walter, I'm not home.
[SOBBING] Walter.
Walter. Walter. Walter.
Stop doing this to me!
Maude... I told
you, I'm not home.
I'll wait.
Excuse me. I'm going to bed.
Carol, you can't... I'm
sorry, Mother. I'm sleepy.
Carol, you...
And to think I had
you on purpose.
Now, Maude. Well...
Walter, we said goodbye.
You said, "Goodbye." I
said "What's going on?"
I'm sorry, I'm busy. I
have to tuck Carol in.
Maude!
I've been driving
around, trying to figure out
why you threw me out of here.
Now, is it something I've
said, something I've done?
Or worse, is it somebody
else? I want to know.
You want to know what it is?
I'll tell you what it is!
You came into this house.
You made love to me. And
I don't want to get married!
Who proposed?
The way things
are going, you will.
Maude.
You love me.
I didn't say that.
But you love me,
Maude. You love me.
All right, all
right, I love you.
And I love you.
So let's get married.
You see?! I told you
you would ask me!
Now get out, Walter! Maude...
Out! Out! For crying out loud,
all I said was,
"Let's get married."
And you know that I
cannot bear the thought
of our being man and wife.
But I love you.
Stop browbeating me, Walt.
Then what do you want from me?
I just want to live with you.
Don't look at me that way.
I mean, this isn't
something I do
every Sunday for exercise.
Maude, I don't get it.
What have you got
against marriage?
Three wipeouts.
So what? I struck
out once myself.
That doesn't mean
we can't try it again.
I don't want to
try again, Walter.
Look, we're two adults. What's
wrong with our living together?
Oh, look, Maude.
I'm not looking
for fun and games.
What I want is a
permanent relationship
I can feel right about.
What do you mean,
"Feel right abo... "?
Oh, come on, Walter.
Are you accusing
me of being immoral?
Not accusing you of
anything. But I tell you,
if I'm good enough to live
with, I'm good enough to marry.
And if I'm good enough to marry,
I'm good enough to live with.
You know what you are, Walter?
You're a marriage nut.
I mean you're a... You're a
mid-Victorian stuffed shirt.
I'm a what?
Yeah, your attitude is
right out of the 19th century.
Okay. Let's hear
what the 20th century
has to say about it.
Let's ask the neighbors.
What do...? Okay,
everybody! Everybody up!
Walter! Wait a
minute. What'll it be?
Living together, or marriage?
Walter, the neighbors.
Is it gonna be sin or sanity?
Walter, are you going
out of your mind?
Yes, I'm going out of my mind.
And I'm also going out there
and find myself a 21-year-old
with a 42-inch bust
and an IQ of 14.
MAN [ON TV]
15th voting district...
Sweetheart, remember that
night you stormed out of here
four years ago?
I never thought we'd
see each other again.
Heh-heh. Do I remember?
The only good thing
about the next two weeks
was that I never stopped
drinking long enough
to have a hangover.
Listen, you two can reminisce
anytime. There's an election.
Later.
Walter, do you mean
that because of me,
you stayed alone
in your apartment
for two weeks drinking?
I drank a lot.
Who was she?
Who was who?
The one you weren't
alone with in your apartment
for two weeks when
you were drinking a lot.
Did I say I was with
anybody, Maude?
Walter Findlay, you were
having the time of your life,
while the woman you were
in love with was wasting away
with a broken heart.
And a parade of ding-a-lings
you wouldn't believe.
Since I bought my
partner out, little lady,
we've become the third largest
retailers of storm windows,
screen doors and window sashes.
Have you any idea, Maude,
how many storm
windows we've moved
in this last year?
Thirty-nine thousand,
five hundred and forty-two.
And none were
broken on delivery.
Henry, it's been
a lovely evening.
Especially the chow mein. Hm.
That was chow mein.
The best, Maude. The best.
And wait till you try
their sweet and sour.
Their sweet and sour
is out of this world.
And so are you, Henry. Ah.
So, Henry, thank you
for a lovely evening.
And the Chinese
before 7 special.
But, Maude, It's
only a quarter to 8,
and I picked you up at 6:30.
I know. Good
night, Henry. But...
Maude... I know
what it is, Maude.
I know what's bothering you.
It's a headache, isn't it?
Like you wouldn't believe.
Good night. Ah, little lady,
did you have a bad day?
Uh... Why should I
have had a bad day?
Because Humphrey
lost the election,
and my entire world is
crumbling around me?
Oh, Maude. Look,
Maude, there's something
I want to ask you.
My storm windows
are fine, Henry.
I mean, they've hardly
been stormed on in two years.
That's not what I want
to ask you, little lady.
Maude, you know I'm not
financially insecure. [SIGHS]
There's my storm
window, screen door
and window sash company.
There's my three-bedroom,
two-and-a-half-bathroom house
in Orchard Street.
There's my $100,000
life insurance.
Do you know what
I'm getting at, Maude?
You want me to
be your accountant.
No, little lady, my wife.
We'd make a great
little partnership.
Oh, there's a few things
we'd have to iron out first.
Things like which
house we should live in.
Things like that.
How's your plumbing, Maude?
It works, Henry.
Oh, no, Henry, you're a
doll to ask me to marry you.
I mean, a regular jellybean.
But... unfortunately,
I've made other plans.
You see, I'm going to become
a female monk in a monastery.
And, jellybean, If you
leave quietly, I'll see to it
that you get all of our storm
stained-glass window business.
Oh, you're always
kidding, Maude.
I get it. You want
to think it over, right?
A long, long time, Henry.
But don't worry, if
I should marry you,
you'll be first to know.
Oh, now don't forget,
Maude. You will let me know.
Heh-heh-heh.
And now, good
night, sweet prince.
You know what, little lady?
I'm gonna send you over a
new screen door tomorrow,
free.
Heh-heh. Uh, here's
my card. Call me.
Aah!
Sorry.
Mother, what are you
doing home so early?
I'm celebrating because
I'm home so early.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Another winner, huh?
Wow.
I don't believe you.
Oh.
How'd you get rid of this one?
[SIGHS]
He got crushed in the door.
All that was left
were his teeth,
and the last time I looked,
they were still talking.
I guess it really makes you
appreciate a fella like Walter,
doesn't it?
That's in the past, Carol.
Mother, look, he may
not be Mr. America,
but one thing he
is not is boring.
Are you sure you've
put him out of your mind?
Completely.
I only cried half of last night.
Maybe I made a mistake.
Maybe I shouldn't have suggested
that you live with him
instead of marriage.
Look at you. You're not
sleeping. You're not eating.
And I'm not getting married.
But, Mother, you're
miserable this way.
Look at it this way, Carol.
With a little bit of luck...
[CRYING] ...he's
as miserable as I am.
Hey, Walter.
I didn't expect
to find you here.
Evening, Arthur.
What are you doing?
Drinking alone?
I like to drink alone, Arthur.
Good, I'll join you.
Uh, I'll have a Scotch
and water, Bert.
Well, you seen Maude lately?
Oh. You don't want
to talk about it, right?
Right.
I understand.
I knew when I introduced
you two it'd never work out.
Thanks for not
talking about it, Arthur.
What are friends for?
Thanks, Bert.
What have you been doing
with yourself for the last
couple of weeks?
Having a ball.
Just last night I fell
asleep in my chair
watching an old Mae West movie.
Hey, it was a darn
good movie, wasn't it?
You know what you need, Walter?
As a doctor, I know more
than a little bit about this.
You could use a
little female diversion.
Arthur, last week I
took out a diversion
who spent the entire
evening talking about
the Jefferson Airplane.
Took me three hours to find out
she wasn't a stewardess.
Yeah.
I know how you feel.
But we all need company.
Doctors too.
Most people don't think
that way about doctors,
but, uh, we get
biological too, you know.
Well, don't apologize, Arthur.
This may come as
something of a surprise to you.
But I'm not quite the
ladies man you think I am.
Yes, you are, Arthur.
But I'm not like you.
I don't have your
power over women.
Smooth, glib, easy
with the words.
Not surprising, of course.
You're a Maytag dealer.
That's true. In great
lovers of history,
we Maytag dealers tied for
second place with Paul Newman.
Whirlpool was first.
Walter, as your
friend, as a doctor...
take it from me.
You could use a little
female companionship.
Can you get us
a couple of girls?
Here, Arthur. Help yourself.
What's that?
The Oxford English
Dictionary of broads.
What did you think it was?
[LAUGHS]
Walter, I couldn't...
I could, uh...
Who's Barbara?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That's Henry with my
free screen door, I'll kill him.
Walter.
Where do I hang this stuff?
What are you doing here?
Maude, in the morning I want
my two eggs over easy
and my coffee black.
And incidentally,
let's get a bar in here.
I hate these rolling carts.
Walter.
Are you trying to
tell me something?
It's obvious, isn't it?
You win. We'll do it your way.
You mean you're
moving in with me?
Well, there's not enough
room for the two of us
in my apartment.
Any objections?
No. Heh-heh.
Great.
Um... I'll have to get some, uh,
big towels for the b...
Oh, Walter. This makes
up for Humphrey losing.
Oh, but honey, I mean, you...
You should have called me.
I mean... I... I don't
know what to say.
I mean, I don't know
what to do. Maude.
I mean, I-I
should make room
up in the closet.
Maude. I mean,
there's no room up in...
Maude, the first
thing to do is relax.
If I relaxed, I'd faint.
Uh, look.
Why don't I take this
stuff upstairs, and you get
get the rest of your
things out of the car.
Well, that's all I brought.
I'm leaving the rest of my
clothes at the apartment.
At the apartment?
But, honey, if you're...
If you're moving in here,
why do you need your apartment?
Maude, this is your house.
Suppose we get into a
Pier Six brawl some night,
and you throw me out.
What do I do? Check into
the Y at 4 in the morning?
Walter, darling.
This is your house
as much as it is mine.
It's not my house.
Yes, it is.
And I absolutely forbid
you to keep that apartment
while you're living in
my house, and that's that.
Okay.
Well, we've almost
lived two and a half
minutes together,
which isn't bad in these
days of casual relationships.
Let me have my suit.
Uh, what are you
doing? I'm going home...
No. What do you
mean? And look...
The suit, you're wrinkling it.
I'll press it. I'll press
it. You're not leaving
because I said you can't
keep your apartment?
Yes, I am. And watch
out for the lapels.
It's a $200 suit.
Here's what I think
of your suit, Walter!
If you hang on
to that apartment,
it's like having one foot
in a bedroom slipper and
the other one in a track shoe.
Well, isn't that the...
The whole point
of living together?
Two people with four
feet in track shoes?
If that's your
attitude, take your suit
and get out of here.
It only cost 75. You
think I'd bring a $200 suit
into this house?
Walter, I don't understand you!
Well, I understand me.
I want us to make a commitment
for the rest of our lives,
and you don't!
Are you crazy? Are you bananas?
Are you out of your mind?
I want to be with
you till you're 112.
Well, if that's what you
want, it's called marriage.
Now, living together is just
a convenience for two people
who are afraid they
might not make it.
That's not true.
Okay. Let's ask the neighbors.
No, wait! Wait!
All right. All right!
All right, let's assume
that you are right,
and we get married.
What assurance do we have
that we won't split up later on?
None! I mean, all
we know now is that
we love each
other and we'll try.
Maude, enough of this.
We're going out right now
and find a justice of the peace,
and get married.
Now get your coat.
No. No, no, no, no.
Marriage is a scrap of paper.
Maude!
Coat!
Why, Maude... are you crying?
[SOBBING] Of course
I am, you dum-dum.
I mean, a proposal is a
very romantic moment for a girl.
MAN [ON TV]: both
McGovern and Nixon...
That certainly was some campaign
we went through in '68.
It certainly was.
Say, uh...
why don't we go upstairs and
watch the rest of the returns
on the set in the bedroom?
That's very nice of you,
Walter. This set's fine.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYING]
♪ Lady Godiva was
A freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was The
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
MAN [ON TV]: So far,
our voting patterns...
Hey, Maude! Hurry up!
The early election
returns are coming in.
What, the election returns
are coming in already?
How we doing? How we doing?
Take it easy. It's a
little town in Maine.
Yeah? Six votes for
Nixon, four for McGovern.
Oh, my God, we're losing.
If you really do exist,
get even with Maine.
Maude. How do you know
he's not a Republican?
Walter, you start in with me,
and I'm gonna wear my
golf shoes to bed tonight.
Well, well, well, well, Maudie.
How do you like
the first returns?
Four votes for McGovern
and six for America.
Scratch Maine. Get Arthur.
That won't help, Maudie.
Remember, Nixon's the one.
And you're the other one.
Now, Maude...
I'm sorry, sweetheart, but
this is the most important
campaign I've
ever lived through.
What about the one in '68?
That's got to be more important.
That's when you and I
started going together.
That's right, Maude.
When I introduced you two,
little did I think...
Yeah, that's your
problem, Arthur.
Little do you think.
Honey, we never
started going together,
we started fighting together.
Will you ever forget
that last date we had
before we got married.
When you were so
impossible about the election?
MAUDE: I don't know what to say.
I mean, your attitude Walter,
leaves me completely speechless.
Walter, please. Maude.
How can anyone say
that there is no difference
between Hubert Humphrey
and Richard Nixon?
Hey, Maude, what is this, a
date or a political seminar?
I mean, for the past month,
I've been going with a warm,
wonderful, responsive woman,
and tonight she turns
out to be Mayor Daley.
I'm sorry, darling, but
how can an intelligent man
like you not vote?
Because with Nixon and Humphrey,
it's strictly tweedledum
or tweedledee.
And I personally have
no favorite tweedle.
You know, they
say that, uh, politics
makes strange bedfellows.
Let's check it out.
Walter. Walter.
Maude.
At my age, do you want me to
start getting pimples again?
Oh, you're evil, Walter.
You better believe it.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Did I ring your bell,
or was that the door?
Yes, honey, you rang my
bell, and that was the door.
Maude, what you did
today is a low, unspeakable,
underhanded, miserable, shoddy,
despicable thing to do.
I'm sorry to intrude, old buddy,
but this female friend of yours
pasted a Humphrey
bumper sticker on top of
my Nixon bumper sticker.
Well, you were gonna trade
the car in anyway, Arthur.
Walter, a Humphrey
bumper sticker
is no laughing matter.
I'm a physician.
You know old Doc Standbrook,
the head of surgery
over at the hospital.
Well, he told me in no
uncertain words that if I come out
on the side of socialized
medicine, he's gonna turn me
into a soprano.
Arthur, that would be
the musical
highlight of the year.
Too bad you don't want
to be on the winning team.
I am on the winning
team, Maudie.
I am voting for
Richard Milhous Nixon.
Oh, come on, Arthur.
This country will
never elect a man
who can't even shave properly.
Thanks to you Democrats,
Maude, this country has nothing
but social unrest.
Everybody's divided.
We're hopelessly embroiled in
that fiasco of a war in Vietnam.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Arthur.
I hate this war. You're
the one who's for it.
That's not true, Maude.
I was only for the war
if we were gonna win.
Anyway, Mr. Nixon's
going to get us out.
Ah. Now we come to that
famous secret plan of his.
Yes, and a darn good plan.
It'll end the war in six months.
Arthur. Arthur, if it's...
If it's so secret,
how do you know it's any good?
Oh. Would Mr. Nixon
let the whole world know
about a plan if he wasn't
sure it was gonna work?
No.
He'd keep it a secret.
You know, Arthur, you're gonna
make me take up smoking again.
Buddy, will you get out of here
and leave me alone with my girl?
All right. You don't have to
drop a ton of bricks on my head
to know when I'm not wanted.
Walter, remind me
to order a ton of bricks.
Go ahead, Maude, vote
for that radical Humphrey.
Next thing you know,
he'll be in China.
And China will be
in the United Nations.
Oh, the imagination on that man.
Maude, will you forget Arthur?
We're alone now.
Doesn't that suggest
something to you?
Discretion.
Carol and Phillip are upstairs.
Upstairs? Now?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. But she was feeling
so depressed about her divorce
that I asked her to move
in until it became final.
Well, that was
nice of you, Maude.
Carol having a home to come to
is certainly more important
than us being alone.
Let's go to my place.
Walter, at this hour?
Why not?
Oh. Come on, Walter, behave.
Behave?
You didn't say that
last Wednesday night.
Honey, you didn't give me
a chance to say anything
last Wednesday night. Yeah.
Oh, Walter. I can hardly
catch my breath now,
except to say one thing.
And what's that?
Honey, if you don't
vote, it might cost
the Democrats the election.
Maude, cut it out.
I'm fed up with politics.
I'm sorry,
sweetheart. I'm sorry.
It's just that I'm so
nervous about the election.
So, Maude... And I'm
so upset about Carol.
Maude. Then Arthur comes
in and gets me really...
Maude!
Sit!
I sat.
What did I do that for?
Walter.
Get out of my house!
What? Out, Walter. Out!
Out of my house.
Wh... What's going on?
Uh, I-I... No time for
questions, Walter, just go.
Well, I'm not going out
until I get an explanation.
I'll give you an
explanation. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow you'll get
an explanation, Walter.
On the phone. Out!
What's wrong?
Walter! That's what's wrong.
He's opinionated. He's stubborn.
He's domineering!
He's everything a
woman could want.
[SOBS] Carol, I'm
in love with him.
[GASPS] That's fantastic.
Carol, what is fantastic
about marriage?
Walter proposed?
No. But I thought
about him proposing.
That thought just sent
me into a blind panic.
Well, why? Why should
Walter proposing upset you?
Honey, I've had three failures.
I'm a career divorcée.
You don't have to tell me.
I know what you're
going through.
No. Honey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to remind you
of the pain you're
going through.
It's just that marriage
scares the hell out of me.
I'm no good at it.
Mother, that's not true.
You've just had bad luck,
and y... You shouldn't
blame yourself.
Carol, I should have
become a nun years ago.
When I still had
time to go Catholic.
Look... i-if Walter's
that important to you,
and you're afraid of
getting married, Mother,
this is 1968.
Why don't you
just live with him?
What kind of a
suggestion is that?
Well, it would
solve the problem.
Carol, Walter and I aren't
a couple of teenagers
with headbands and no underwear.
I mean, we can't just run off
and hide in a Volkswagen camper.
So, what are you gonna
do? Go back to the...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh. I swear I'm gonna
rip that doorbell out.
From now on, if anybody wants
to come in, they can stay out.
Maude... Walter, I'm not home.
[SOBBING] Walter.
Walter. Walter. Walter.
Stop doing this to me!
Maude... I told
you, I'm not home.
I'll wait.
Excuse me. I'm going to bed.
Carol, you can't... I'm
sorry, Mother. I'm sleepy.
Carol, you...
And to think I had
you on purpose.
Now, Maude. Well...
Walter, we said goodbye.
You said, "Goodbye." I
said "What's going on?"
I'm sorry, I'm busy. I
have to tuck Carol in.
Maude!
I've been driving
around, trying to figure out
why you threw me out of here.
Now, is it something I've
said, something I've done?
Or worse, is it somebody
else? I want to know.
You want to know what it is?
I'll tell you what it is!
You came into this house.
You made love to me. And
I don't want to get married!
Who proposed?
The way things
are going, you will.
Maude.
You love me.
I didn't say that.
But you love me,
Maude. You love me.
All right, all
right, I love you.
And I love you.
So let's get married.
You see?! I told you
you would ask me!
Now get out, Walter! Maude...
Out! Out! For crying out loud,
all I said was,
"Let's get married."
And you know that I
cannot bear the thought
of our being man and wife.
But I love you.
Stop browbeating me, Walt.
Then what do you want from me?
I just want to live with you.
Don't look at me that way.
I mean, this isn't
something I do
every Sunday for exercise.
Maude, I don't get it.
What have you got
against marriage?
Three wipeouts.
So what? I struck
out once myself.
That doesn't mean
we can't try it again.
I don't want to
try again, Walter.
Look, we're two adults. What's
wrong with our living together?
Oh, look, Maude.
I'm not looking
for fun and games.
What I want is a
permanent relationship
I can feel right about.
What do you mean,
"Feel right abo... "?
Oh, come on, Walter.
Are you accusing
me of being immoral?
Not accusing you of
anything. But I tell you,
if I'm good enough to live
with, I'm good enough to marry.
And if I'm good enough to marry,
I'm good enough to live with.
You know what you are, Walter?
You're a marriage nut.
I mean you're a... You're a
mid-Victorian stuffed shirt.
I'm a what?
Yeah, your attitude is
right out of the 19th century.
Okay. Let's hear
what the 20th century
has to say about it.
Let's ask the neighbors.
What do...? Okay,
everybody! Everybody up!
Walter! Wait a
minute. What'll it be?
Living together, or marriage?
Walter, the neighbors.
Is it gonna be sin or sanity?
Walter, are you going
out of your mind?
Yes, I'm going out of my mind.
And I'm also going out there
and find myself a 21-year-old
with a 42-inch bust
and an IQ of 14.
MAN [ON TV]
15th voting district...
Sweetheart, remember that
night you stormed out of here
four years ago?
I never thought we'd
see each other again.
Heh-heh. Do I remember?
The only good thing
about the next two weeks
was that I never stopped
drinking long enough
to have a hangover.
Listen, you two can reminisce
anytime. There's an election.
Later.
Walter, do you mean
that because of me,
you stayed alone
in your apartment
for two weeks drinking?
I drank a lot.
Who was she?
Who was who?
The one you weren't
alone with in your apartment
for two weeks when
you were drinking a lot.
Did I say I was with
anybody, Maude?
Walter Findlay, you were
having the time of your life,
while the woman you were
in love with was wasting away
with a broken heart.
And a parade of ding-a-lings
you wouldn't believe.
Since I bought my
partner out, little lady,
we've become the third largest
retailers of storm windows,
screen doors and window sashes.
Have you any idea, Maude,
how many storm
windows we've moved
in this last year?
Thirty-nine thousand,
five hundred and forty-two.
And none were
broken on delivery.
Henry, it's been
a lovely evening.
Especially the chow mein. Hm.
That was chow mein.
The best, Maude. The best.
And wait till you try
their sweet and sour.
Their sweet and sour
is out of this world.
And so are you, Henry. Ah.
So, Henry, thank you
for a lovely evening.
And the Chinese
before 7 special.
But, Maude, It's
only a quarter to 8,
and I picked you up at 6:30.
I know. Good
night, Henry. But...
Maude... I know
what it is, Maude.
I know what's bothering you.
It's a headache, isn't it?
Like you wouldn't believe.
Good night. Ah, little lady,
did you have a bad day?
Uh... Why should I
have had a bad day?
Because Humphrey
lost the election,
and my entire world is
crumbling around me?
Oh, Maude. Look,
Maude, there's something
I want to ask you.
My storm windows
are fine, Henry.
I mean, they've hardly
been stormed on in two years.
That's not what I want
to ask you, little lady.
Maude, you know I'm not
financially insecure. [SIGHS]
There's my storm
window, screen door
and window sash company.
There's my three-bedroom,
two-and-a-half-bathroom house
in Orchard Street.
There's my $100,000
life insurance.
Do you know what
I'm getting at, Maude?
You want me to
be your accountant.
No, little lady, my wife.
We'd make a great
little partnership.
Oh, there's a few things
we'd have to iron out first.
Things like which
house we should live in.
Things like that.
How's your plumbing, Maude?
It works, Henry.
Oh, no, Henry, you're a
doll to ask me to marry you.
I mean, a regular jellybean.
But... unfortunately,
I've made other plans.
You see, I'm going to become
a female monk in a monastery.
And, jellybean, If you
leave quietly, I'll see to it
that you get all of our storm
stained-glass window business.
Oh, you're always
kidding, Maude.
I get it. You want
to think it over, right?
A long, long time, Henry.
But don't worry, if
I should marry you,
you'll be first to know.
Oh, now don't forget,
Maude. You will let me know.
Heh-heh-heh.
And now, good
night, sweet prince.
You know what, little lady?
I'm gonna send you over a
new screen door tomorrow,
free.
Heh-heh. Uh, here's
my card. Call me.
Aah!
Sorry.
Mother, what are you
doing home so early?
I'm celebrating because
I'm home so early.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Another winner, huh?
Wow.
I don't believe you.
Oh.
How'd you get rid of this one?
[SIGHS]
He got crushed in the door.
All that was left
were his teeth,
and the last time I looked,
they were still talking.
I guess it really makes you
appreciate a fella like Walter,
doesn't it?
That's in the past, Carol.
Mother, look, he may
not be Mr. America,
but one thing he
is not is boring.
Are you sure you've
put him out of your mind?
Completely.
I only cried half of last night.
Maybe I made a mistake.
Maybe I shouldn't have suggested
that you live with him
instead of marriage.
Look at you. You're not
sleeping. You're not eating.
And I'm not getting married.
But, Mother, you're
miserable this way.
Look at it this way, Carol.
With a little bit of luck...
[CRYING] ...he's
as miserable as I am.
Hey, Walter.
I didn't expect
to find you here.
Evening, Arthur.
What are you doing?
Drinking alone?
I like to drink alone, Arthur.
Good, I'll join you.
Uh, I'll have a Scotch
and water, Bert.
Well, you seen Maude lately?
Oh. You don't want
to talk about it, right?
Right.
I understand.
I knew when I introduced
you two it'd never work out.
Thanks for not
talking about it, Arthur.
What are friends for?
Thanks, Bert.
What have you been doing
with yourself for the last
couple of weeks?
Having a ball.
Just last night I fell
asleep in my chair
watching an old Mae West movie.
Hey, it was a darn
good movie, wasn't it?
You know what you need, Walter?
As a doctor, I know more
than a little bit about this.
You could use a
little female diversion.
Arthur, last week I
took out a diversion
who spent the entire
evening talking about
the Jefferson Airplane.
Took me three hours to find out
she wasn't a stewardess.
Yeah.
I know how you feel.
But we all need company.
Doctors too.
Most people don't think
that way about doctors,
but, uh, we get
biological too, you know.
Well, don't apologize, Arthur.
This may come as
something of a surprise to you.
But I'm not quite the
ladies man you think I am.
Yes, you are, Arthur.
But I'm not like you.
I don't have your
power over women.
Smooth, glib, easy
with the words.
Not surprising, of course.
You're a Maytag dealer.
That's true. In great
lovers of history,
we Maytag dealers tied for
second place with Paul Newman.
Whirlpool was first.
Walter, as your
friend, as a doctor...
take it from me.
You could use a little
female companionship.
Can you get us
a couple of girls?
Here, Arthur. Help yourself.
What's that?
The Oxford English
Dictionary of broads.
What did you think it was?
[LAUGHS]
Walter, I couldn't...
I could, uh...
Who's Barbara?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That's Henry with my
free screen door, I'll kill him.
Walter.
Where do I hang this stuff?
What are you doing here?
Maude, in the morning I want
my two eggs over easy
and my coffee black.
And incidentally,
let's get a bar in here.
I hate these rolling carts.
Walter.
Are you trying to
tell me something?
It's obvious, isn't it?
You win. We'll do it your way.
You mean you're
moving in with me?
Well, there's not enough
room for the two of us
in my apartment.
Any objections?
No. Heh-heh.
Great.
Um... I'll have to get some, uh,
big towels for the b...
Oh, Walter. This makes
up for Humphrey losing.
Oh, but honey, I mean, you...
You should have called me.
I mean... I... I don't
know what to say.
I mean, I don't know
what to do. Maude.
I mean, I-I
should make room
up in the closet.
Maude. I mean,
there's no room up in...
Maude, the first
thing to do is relax.
If I relaxed, I'd faint.
Uh, look.
Why don't I take this
stuff upstairs, and you get
get the rest of your
things out of the car.
Well, that's all I brought.
I'm leaving the rest of my
clothes at the apartment.
At the apartment?
But, honey, if you're...
If you're moving in here,
why do you need your apartment?
Maude, this is your house.
Suppose we get into a
Pier Six brawl some night,
and you throw me out.
What do I do? Check into
the Y at 4 in the morning?
Walter, darling.
This is your house
as much as it is mine.
It's not my house.
Yes, it is.
And I absolutely forbid
you to keep that apartment
while you're living in
my house, and that's that.
Okay.
Well, we've almost
lived two and a half
minutes together,
which isn't bad in these
days of casual relationships.
Let me have my suit.
Uh, what are you
doing? I'm going home...
No. What do you
mean? And look...
The suit, you're wrinkling it.
I'll press it. I'll press
it. You're not leaving
because I said you can't
keep your apartment?
Yes, I am. And watch
out for the lapels.
It's a $200 suit.
Here's what I think
of your suit, Walter!
If you hang on
to that apartment,
it's like having one foot
in a bedroom slipper and
the other one in a track shoe.
Well, isn't that the...
The whole point
of living together?
Two people with four
feet in track shoes?
If that's your
attitude, take your suit
and get out of here.
It only cost 75. You
think I'd bring a $200 suit
into this house?
Walter, I don't understand you!
Well, I understand me.
I want us to make a commitment
for the rest of our lives,
and you don't!
Are you crazy? Are you bananas?
Are you out of your mind?
I want to be with
you till you're 112.
Well, if that's what you
want, it's called marriage.
Now, living together is just
a convenience for two people
who are afraid they
might not make it.
That's not true.
Okay. Let's ask the neighbors.
No, wait! Wait!
All right. All right!
All right, let's assume
that you are right,
and we get married.
What assurance do we have
that we won't split up later on?
None! I mean, all
we know now is that
we love each
other and we'll try.
Maude, enough of this.
We're going out right now
and find a justice of the peace,
and get married.
Now get your coat.
No. No, no, no, no.
Marriage is a scrap of paper.
Maude!
Coat!
Why, Maude... are you crying?
[SOBBING] Of course
I am, you dum-dum.
I mean, a proposal is a
very romantic moment for a girl.
MAN [ON TV]: both
McGovern and Nixon...
That certainly was some campaign
we went through in '68.
It certainly was.
Say, uh...
why don't we go upstairs and
watch the rest of the returns
on the set in the bedroom?
That's very nice of you,
Walter. This set's fine.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪