Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 4 - Like Mother, Like Daughter - full transcript
Maude is upset when Carol begins dating a man from her past 40 years Carol's senior.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Zip-a-dee doo-dah... ♪
CAROL: It's none
of your business.
MAUDE: What do you
mean, none of my business?
♪ My, oh, my What
a wonderful day ♪
[MAUDE AND CAROL
ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[LOUDER] ♪ Plenty of
sunshine Goin' my way ♪
♪ Zip-a-dee doo-dah ♪
♪ Zip-a-dee-ay ♪
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
♪ Mr. Bluebird's... ♪
Florida, please, please,
will you stop singing?
As soon as you stop yellin'.
I'm gettin' tired
of explainin' you
to the other maids
in the neighborhood.
Florida, there may be maids
working in the neighborhood,
but you are a housekeeper.
Well, thank you, ma'am,
but like the man said,
"A maid by any name
gets paid the same."
And now if you
all will excuse me,
I'll go and empty the garbage.
Look, Mother, you have
no reason to be this upset.
You are going out
with a 60-year-old man,
and I have no
reason to be upset?
If I didn't need this
for the potatoes,
I'd use it on my wrists.
Russell Asher is
not 60 years old.
He isn't any older than you are.
That's a terrible thing to say.
When Russell Asher was
seducing his first maiden,
I was still kicking
rattles out of my crib.
Oh, Mom, will you
stop exaggerating.
I am not exaggerating.
Carol, let me put it this way.
Your father has been
buried for 22 years.
He is still six years
younger than Russell Asher.
He's gonna be here any minute.
I still have pin
curls in my hair.
Well, at his age, he
won't even see them.
I can't even talk to you.
Look, Carol, wait a minute.
Carol, if you saw
nothing wrong in it,
then why have you been
sneaking around with Russell
and not telling me?
Because I knew you'd react
exactly like you're reacting.
Totally irrational.
I am not irrational.
Carol, I am worried.
I don't want to see you hurt.
Maude, please, spare me
the concerned-mother routine.
I know what's bothering
you as well as you do.
You can't stand the
idea of my dating a man
that you used to date.
Carol, as God is my judge,
that is only part of the reason.
Oh, Florida, Florida,
please, talk to her.
She's going out
with an older ma...
Correction. An old man.
Now, if she were
your daughter...
You'd see nothing wrong
with it would you, Florida?
Tell her, Florida.
♪ Florida ♪
Passes.
Florida, would you mind
straightening up my bathroom?
I'm afraid I left
it in a real mess.
Sure, honey, I'll
get at it right away.
Thanks. Now,
Mother, forget about it.
Look, Carol, we are
not finished talking.
Carol, I want you to
give me one good reason
for dating a 64-year-old man.
Maude! One good reason.
He's a world-famous writer.
He's charming, he's
wealthy, he's good-looking,
and he treats me like a queen.
That's no reason.
Oh, honey, listen,
I know the man.
His only love is Russell Asher.
Believe me, honey,
he'll break your heart.
How's he gonna break my heart?
What are you talking about?
You are 27. He is 68.
Now, I think it's
obscene, perverse and...
And disgusting.
If it's playing in
the neighborhood,
let's go see it.
Walter, listen to this.
Carol is going out
with a 70-year-old man.
He is not 70 years old.
Mother, you can age a man
faster than any woman I know.
I'll drink to that.
God'll get you for that, Walter.
Oh, look, honey.
Listen, Carol, don't you realize
that Russell Asher is using you?
He's going through
his change of life.
His what?
You heard me, Walter.
Men have menopause too.
They just haven't had the
bad press we women have had.
Carol, honey, don't you know,
when a man goes
through change of life,
he has to rush right out
and prove that he's
still young and virile.
I see.
So I'm Russell's hormone shot?
I couldn't have put it better if
I were Masters and Johnson.
Carol, who is this Civil
War veteran, anyway?
His name is Russell Asher,
and if you'll excuse me,
I don't wanna keep him waiting.
We're taking a helicopter
into town tonight
so he can plug his new
book on The Tonight Show.
Maude, that's the author
you dated before you met me.
Well, well, well.
Now you see why she's
on my back, Walter?
Carol, I'm only
trying to help you.
Russell Asher stings,
Carol, like a bee.
A son of a B.
Russell Asher.
Let's see.
You went with him
for about two months
after you divorced Albert.
Uh-uh.
After you divorced Barney?
No, I buried Barney.
Well, that leaves,
uh, what's-his-name.
It began with a C...
Anyway, I was seeing
him right before I met you.
That's right. He was
writing his second book:
Purgatory, USA. That's right.
There were four altogether.
Purgatory, USA, uh,
Hell's Highway, Heaven's Ghetto
and Ash Can of
the Western World.
All based on his
childhood in Bangor, Maine.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
CAROL: Mother, that's
him! You be nice, now.
I'll be nice. So
help me, Walter,
if he comes in singing
"Thank Heaven
for Little Girls..."
Russell, let's get
one thing straight.
You and Carol are adults.
What you do is
your own business.
Except that I believe
more in leprosy
than I do May-and-December
relationships.
Hello and welcome to my home.
[FOREIGN ACCENT] Maude,
you haven't changed a bit.
After all these years I have
to pinch myself to believe it.
Don't pinch too hard, Russell.
At your age, blood
clots very fast.
Same sense of humor too,
but you look
absolutely beautiful.
Well, thank you, Russell.
You look shorter.
Have you gotten shorter?
No, still 6-foot-4.
And still unable
to believe an insult.
Walter, I'd like you to meet
one of the great
face-lifts of our time.
Russell, my husband
Walter Findlay.
Hello.
Oh, uh, I've always wanted
to meet a famous author.
Well, now you have.
Isn't he wonderful?
Russell, tell Walter
how you cultivated
that phony continental accent.
Oh, no, it's not phony anymore.
It's part of me now.
Isn't he wonderful?
I'd do anything to
have you bronzed.
Or pickled.
To preserve me?
[CHUCKLES]
What a darling compliment.
And speaking of darlings.
♪ Thank heaven
For little girls ♪
Carol, you look exquisite.
You put the rest
of nature to shame.
I think I'm losing my lunch.
Thank you, Russell. Excuse me
while I say good night to Phillip.
By all means.
How 'bout a drink, Russell?
I've got some 12-year-old
stuff you might like.
Whatever, Walter.
No, I think his taste goes
more to 27-year-old stuff.
Although he might like
12-year-old stuff too.
Walter, talk to him about Carol.
Save her.
Save her.
Here's your drink, Russell.
Thank you. Make
yourself at home.
You know that,
uh, outfit, I like it.
It's different.
Oh, thank you, Walter.
I do believe clothes should
express a point of view.
For example, wearing this one
for the Johnny
Carson show, it says,
"Male, dominating,
but not domineering.
Authoritative yet understated."
You see what I mean?
Imagine, you can say all that
with a lousy pair of
pants and a jacket.
Well, it's all a question of
attitude towards oneself.
And my attitude
is... Self-worship.
You know, Russell, if you
loved yourself any more,
you'd be a married couple.
Look, why don't
we get right down
to what's really on our minds?
You and Carol.
Maude...
This time I'm serious.
Really serious.
You know, Russell,
I have this problem.
I don't know whether
to laugh or cry.
Or kill.
Maude, I didn't ask
for this to happen.
When I came back from Europe
I called you for
old times' sakes.
You and Walter were
away for the weekend,
and I talked to Carol.
I was asking her
out before I knew it.
If he called in the daytime,
he'd be going out
with Florida now.
CAROL: Okay, Russell, I'm ready.
Walter, it was a pleasure.
Russell.
As for you, Maude,
I was absolutely overjoyed.
Oh, that's where the
joy was. You had it.
Russell, don't they tape
the Carson show early
and then show it
later on? Uh-huh.
Well, I'm sure you'd wanna
see yourself on television,
so why don't we
expect you at 11:30,
and we'll all watch it together?
Mother, Russell's
already made plans
for us to watch it from
his place in New York.
Look, why don't we
take it as it comes?
If we can, Carol and I
will see you at 11:30.
Good night.
Good night. Good night.
Oh, Walter, the man's no good.
He'll tear her to tatters.
Oh, God, how I wish I smoked.
Maude, stop it.
You're acting like Bette
Davis on a bad day.
But what if they don't
come back here at 11:30?
What if they watch the
show from his place?
And what if they do?
Walter, in what
room do you and I
and every other
couple in America
watch the Johnny Carson show?
Florida!
We'll have our dinner now.
Maude, Carol's a big girl.
Now, come on.
What's really bugging
you about this guy?
All right, Walter, I'll tell ya.
I'm really troubled about Carol.
Russell Asher is a lady-killer.
He goes through women the way
you go through summer underwear.
Believe me, I know.
In other words, he jilted you.
That's a very
dated word, Walter.
But still... He jilted me.
And if Carol's not careful,
the same thing's
going to happen to her.
She's only had a couple
of dates with the guy.
Maybe she'll never even
get serious about him.
Maybe you're right.
And maybe we'll find that out
when she brings
him back at 11:30.
Miss Carol ain't bringin' nobody
back at 11:30, Mrs. Findlay.
Not tonight, anyway.
Well, how do you know?
'Cause I just tidied
her bathroom,
and the little devil...
She took her
toothbrush with her.
Good morning. Morning, honey.
You didn't come to
bed last night, did you?
Nope.
Did Carol ever get home?
Yep. Six minutes
after 4, this morning.
Well, at least she didn't
spend all night with him.
Walter, Rome was sacked
in less than three hours.
Did you speak with her?
Did she use her toothbrush?
Walter, how could I ask
her a question like that?
She told me to mind
my own business.
Maude, can I have a couple
of eggs instead of cereal?
No, you had eggs yesterday.
You know how high
in cholesterol they are.
They're high in good taste too,
which is more than I
can say for this goop.
Honey, I'd rather have you
alive with a belly full of goop
than dead with
eggs in your veins.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Russell, this is the third time
you've called this morning.
No, she isn't down yet.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Uh, hold on. Just a minute.
I'll get it. Stay where you are.
The longer he waits,
the older he gets.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Coming!
Carol! You'll be late for work.
[QUIETLY] And
Russell's on the phone.
Flowers for Carol,
uh... I knew it.
I knew it.
You knew I was gonna
be deliverin' flowers today?
No, I knew something else.
Like what?
What are you? A
delivery man or a relative?
Here, and thanks
for your trouble.
Fifty cents? Some thanks.
Wait a minute, you
don't like it? Let me see it.
I like it.
I'll tell you what, since
you don't like it and I do,
why don't I just keep it?
Carol? I'll tell him
to call you back later.
From Bangor.
Maude, I don't understand it.
My grandpa, that had bacon
and eggs every morning of his life,
and he lived till he was 96.
Sure. But that was before
they learned about cholesterol.
Hello, Russell? No,
she's not downstairs yet.
And she hasn't picked
up the extension.
All right, if you insist.
Walter, you know what's in here?
A single rose.
That's what Russell always does.
The morning after,
he always sends a
single, perfect rose.
Wait a minute, Maude.
That's for Carol.
Well, it's not like
I'm opening her mail.
I hate him.
No, I really hate him.
Well, what did he do now?
He sent 24 perfect roses.
Hello, Russell?
Listen, you're
tying up the phone,
and I'm expecting a call
from Lord-knows-who.
All right, I'll tell her.
Goodbye.
Walter, I am going to
put a stop to this now.
Now, look, Maude,
if you break this up,
Carol's gonna think
you're an overprotective,
interfering mother.
You want that?
It's a hazard of
the trade, Walter.
I didn't interfere when
she eloped with Pete,
and it ended in divorce.
I've never forgiven myself.
Then why didn't you interfere?
I was in Reno at the
time, divorcing Albert.
Morning, everybody.
Morning.
Carol, I wanna talk to you.
Mother, I've gotta get dressed.
I don't wanna be late for work.
Carol, Russell sent
you these flowers.
Mother, I don't
have time. Carol!
Carol, I said Russell
sent you flowers.
Oh, now, look, honey...
I know you're
gonna tell me again
to mind my own business,
but look at it this way:
God couldn't be everywhere.
That's why he invented mothers.
Honey, I know what Russell
Asher does to women.
You have to stop seeing him.
Okay.
Carol, don't do this to me!
I have just made
an impassioned plea!
And I said okay.
Something happened last night.
What'd he do to
you? Carol, I'll kill him.
I'll kill him!
Mother, it's all right.
You went to his place
to watch the show, right?
He didn't get on
till quarter to 1.
And don't tell me that you
watched Virginia Graham
and those two
midgets from Austria
for an hour and 15 minutes.
Maude, I've got to get dressed.
He brought out
champagne, didn't he? Yes.
Piper-Heidseick, 1961?
Yes, I think so.
Yeah, and then he did 10 minutes
wrestling the cork
between his knees?
Oh, Mother. The
lights were dim, Carol,
and it was very romantic?
No, it was not romantic.
He called me "Maude."
He called her "Maude."
Maude, are you all right?
Oh, Walter, Carol and Russell
are not seeing
each other anymore.
He called her "Maude."
Is that why you seem so pleased?
He called her "Maude"?
Walter, I'm pleased that
she's not seeing him anymore.
It has nothing to do with that.
It doesn't, huh?
This guy goofs in an intimate
moment and calls her "Maude."
Now, I didn't say it was
an intimate moment, Walter.
Okay.
They were plucking
chickens at 3 in the morning,
and he called her "Maude."
Walter, you are jealous.
Don't be silly. You are jealous.
I have had it up to
here with Russell Asher.
The poor soul.
He doesn't realize that he's
only hungering for my daughter
because of his
latent feelings for me.
He called her "Maude."
I don't believe it.
Last night you were Bette Davis.
This morning, Joan Crawford.
Walter, jealousy
is not the answer.
It's a tragic
situation for a man
who's almost 50 years old.
It's tragic.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Maude, I couldn't
wait any longer.
I had to see Carol.
Russell...
Dear, Russell.
I'm in that much trouble, huh?
Russell, please come
in. I wanna to talk to you.
Would you like some coffee?
No, no, no, no. I'm
in no mood for coffee.
Juice?
Fresh juice?
Can I squeeze you an orange?
Maude, I want to see Carol.
Russell, we got your
flowers, and we love them.
But, Russell, Carol no
longer wishes to see you.
Maude, if you can arrange for me
to have five minutes
alone with your daughter,
everything will be fine.
Listen to me, Russell.
When I was a little
girl, there was a song.
I forget where I heard it,
but it's always
stayed in my mind.
It went... 'Tis good
to be merry And wise
'Tis good to be honest And true
'Tis well to be off
With the old love
Before you go on With the new
There's also "The
Star-Spangled Banner"
if anyone feels like standing.
Look, Maude, I have
to sign autographs
in four different
bookstores today.
Will you please
tell Carol I'm here?
CAROL: Mother, I'm leaving.
Oh, Carol, listen.
About last night...
I don't wanna talk
about last night.
But I do.
Look, Russell, I don't
wanna see you again.
That's all there is to it.
I have to explain to you
why I called you "Maude."
Remember when you said I
was embarrassing on the show?
You were embarrassing.
Comparing yourself to Hemingway?
Why not?
I am as good as Hemingway.
You know how many paperbacks
I sold in the last four years?
Six million in 42
languages including Swahili.
And who cares?
You've got an ego that
flows like Niagara Falls.
There, that's it.
That's just the kind of
thing your mother would say,
and you said it right in
the middle of our fight.
That's why I called you Maude.
I'm not angry because
you called me "Maude."
I just don't wanna
see you again.
They were fighting when
he called her Maude.
What does that mean?
Everything you say,
I was just mortified.
I don't wanna hear any more.
They were fighting when
he called her "Maude."
What did you say, Mother?
Uh, nothing.
What did you think was going
on when he called me "Maude"?
Nothing, Carol.
I was just surprised that
you were fighting, that's all.
Mother...
Did you think that
Russell and I were...?
You actually thought
Russell and I w...?
When he called me "Maude"?
That's a riot.
Carol, a chuckle, perhaps.
Hardly a riot.
Now, listen, both of you.
I just wanted you to understand
that Carol criticized
me last night
in the same way you
criticized me years ago, Maude,
which is why we broke up.
Broke up, my foot.
You walked out on me.
He did what to you? Carol.
Quiet. Maude!
Quiet! He walked
out on me, Carol.
And I wanted to keep him
from doing the same thing to you.
But it wouldn't.
How can you hold against
me something that happened
years ago with your mother?
Oh, I'm not,
Russell, believe me.
The only thing I'm
holding against you
is that you're a
conceited, pompous bore.
Carol, can I add
something to that?
Boring, boring, boring bore!
I am boring?
Out!
Russell, you've been rejected.
Now, I know it's a
blow to your pride.
But I don't want you
to take it personally.
On second thought, Russell,
please take it personally.
The worst nose
job I've ever seen.
Good morning, honey.
Good morning, Mother.
He was supposed to meet
me at the lake in Central Park.
I sat in a rowboat
thinking that Russell
was gonna to bring me a ring.
Oh. I waited, and I
waited, and I waited.
Even the ducks went home.
Maude...
Maude, I want to apologize.
What for, Walter?
Well, I... I shouldn't
have gotten mad before.
"Mad," my little
euphemism for jealous.
Oh, honey, don't worry about it.
After all, he did
call her "Maude,"
and you had every
right to be a little jealous.
I better get to work.
Mother...
Walter thinks Russell called me
"Maude" in a romantic moment.
Why didn't you
tell him the truth?
I think every marriage should
have a little mystery in it.
♪ A woman's a
two-face A worrisome... ♪
WALTER: Maude, come on!
MAUDE: Don't you run
away from me, Walter Findlay.
Walter Findlay, you
come right back here!
Will you forget it?
Forget it? Forget it?
How can a woman
forget a thing like that?
What's going on? It's
2:00 in the morning!
Nothing to speak of.
Well, I can speak of it.
It was contemptible!
It was outrageous!
It was... It was...
It was degrading!
What did he do? He
called me "Sylvia"!
I was kidding, Maude.
You were kidding?
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Zip-a-dee doo-dah... ♪
CAROL: It's none
of your business.
MAUDE: What do you
mean, none of my business?
♪ My, oh, my What
a wonderful day ♪
[MAUDE AND CAROL
ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[LOUDER] ♪ Plenty of
sunshine Goin' my way ♪
♪ Zip-a-dee doo-dah ♪
♪ Zip-a-dee-ay ♪
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
♪ Mr. Bluebird's... ♪
Florida, please, please,
will you stop singing?
As soon as you stop yellin'.
I'm gettin' tired
of explainin' you
to the other maids
in the neighborhood.
Florida, there may be maids
working in the neighborhood,
but you are a housekeeper.
Well, thank you, ma'am,
but like the man said,
"A maid by any name
gets paid the same."
And now if you
all will excuse me,
I'll go and empty the garbage.
Look, Mother, you have
no reason to be this upset.
You are going out
with a 60-year-old man,
and I have no
reason to be upset?
If I didn't need this
for the potatoes,
I'd use it on my wrists.
Russell Asher is
not 60 years old.
He isn't any older than you are.
That's a terrible thing to say.
When Russell Asher was
seducing his first maiden,
I was still kicking
rattles out of my crib.
Oh, Mom, will you
stop exaggerating.
I am not exaggerating.
Carol, let me put it this way.
Your father has been
buried for 22 years.
He is still six years
younger than Russell Asher.
He's gonna be here any minute.
I still have pin
curls in my hair.
Well, at his age, he
won't even see them.
I can't even talk to you.
Look, Carol, wait a minute.
Carol, if you saw
nothing wrong in it,
then why have you been
sneaking around with Russell
and not telling me?
Because I knew you'd react
exactly like you're reacting.
Totally irrational.
I am not irrational.
Carol, I am worried.
I don't want to see you hurt.
Maude, please, spare me
the concerned-mother routine.
I know what's bothering
you as well as you do.
You can't stand the
idea of my dating a man
that you used to date.
Carol, as God is my judge,
that is only part of the reason.
Oh, Florida, Florida,
please, talk to her.
She's going out
with an older ma...
Correction. An old man.
Now, if she were
your daughter...
You'd see nothing wrong
with it would you, Florida?
Tell her, Florida.
♪ Florida ♪
Passes.
Florida, would you mind
straightening up my bathroom?
I'm afraid I left
it in a real mess.
Sure, honey, I'll
get at it right away.
Thanks. Now,
Mother, forget about it.
Look, Carol, we are
not finished talking.
Carol, I want you to
give me one good reason
for dating a 64-year-old man.
Maude! One good reason.
He's a world-famous writer.
He's charming, he's
wealthy, he's good-looking,
and he treats me like a queen.
That's no reason.
Oh, honey, listen,
I know the man.
His only love is Russell Asher.
Believe me, honey,
he'll break your heart.
How's he gonna break my heart?
What are you talking about?
You are 27. He is 68.
Now, I think it's
obscene, perverse and...
And disgusting.
If it's playing in
the neighborhood,
let's go see it.
Walter, listen to this.
Carol is going out
with a 70-year-old man.
He is not 70 years old.
Mother, you can age a man
faster than any woman I know.
I'll drink to that.
God'll get you for that, Walter.
Oh, look, honey.
Listen, Carol, don't you realize
that Russell Asher is using you?
He's going through
his change of life.
His what?
You heard me, Walter.
Men have menopause too.
They just haven't had the
bad press we women have had.
Carol, honey, don't you know,
when a man goes
through change of life,
he has to rush right out
and prove that he's
still young and virile.
I see.
So I'm Russell's hormone shot?
I couldn't have put it better if
I were Masters and Johnson.
Carol, who is this Civil
War veteran, anyway?
His name is Russell Asher,
and if you'll excuse me,
I don't wanna keep him waiting.
We're taking a helicopter
into town tonight
so he can plug his new
book on The Tonight Show.
Maude, that's the author
you dated before you met me.
Well, well, well.
Now you see why she's
on my back, Walter?
Carol, I'm only
trying to help you.
Russell Asher stings,
Carol, like a bee.
A son of a B.
Russell Asher.
Let's see.
You went with him
for about two months
after you divorced Albert.
Uh-uh.
After you divorced Barney?
No, I buried Barney.
Well, that leaves,
uh, what's-his-name.
It began with a C...
Anyway, I was seeing
him right before I met you.
That's right. He was
writing his second book:
Purgatory, USA. That's right.
There were four altogether.
Purgatory, USA, uh,
Hell's Highway, Heaven's Ghetto
and Ash Can of
the Western World.
All based on his
childhood in Bangor, Maine.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
CAROL: Mother, that's
him! You be nice, now.
I'll be nice. So
help me, Walter,
if he comes in singing
"Thank Heaven
for Little Girls..."
Russell, let's get
one thing straight.
You and Carol are adults.
What you do is
your own business.
Except that I believe
more in leprosy
than I do May-and-December
relationships.
Hello and welcome to my home.
[FOREIGN ACCENT] Maude,
you haven't changed a bit.
After all these years I have
to pinch myself to believe it.
Don't pinch too hard, Russell.
At your age, blood
clots very fast.
Same sense of humor too,
but you look
absolutely beautiful.
Well, thank you, Russell.
You look shorter.
Have you gotten shorter?
No, still 6-foot-4.
And still unable
to believe an insult.
Walter, I'd like you to meet
one of the great
face-lifts of our time.
Russell, my husband
Walter Findlay.
Hello.
Oh, uh, I've always wanted
to meet a famous author.
Well, now you have.
Isn't he wonderful?
Russell, tell Walter
how you cultivated
that phony continental accent.
Oh, no, it's not phony anymore.
It's part of me now.
Isn't he wonderful?
I'd do anything to
have you bronzed.
Or pickled.
To preserve me?
[CHUCKLES]
What a darling compliment.
And speaking of darlings.
♪ Thank heaven
For little girls ♪
Carol, you look exquisite.
You put the rest
of nature to shame.
I think I'm losing my lunch.
Thank you, Russell. Excuse me
while I say good night to Phillip.
By all means.
How 'bout a drink, Russell?
I've got some 12-year-old
stuff you might like.
Whatever, Walter.
No, I think his taste goes
more to 27-year-old stuff.
Although he might like
12-year-old stuff too.
Walter, talk to him about Carol.
Save her.
Save her.
Here's your drink, Russell.
Thank you. Make
yourself at home.
You know that,
uh, outfit, I like it.
It's different.
Oh, thank you, Walter.
I do believe clothes should
express a point of view.
For example, wearing this one
for the Johnny
Carson show, it says,
"Male, dominating,
but not domineering.
Authoritative yet understated."
You see what I mean?
Imagine, you can say all that
with a lousy pair of
pants and a jacket.
Well, it's all a question of
attitude towards oneself.
And my attitude
is... Self-worship.
You know, Russell, if you
loved yourself any more,
you'd be a married couple.
Look, why don't
we get right down
to what's really on our minds?
You and Carol.
Maude...
This time I'm serious.
Really serious.
You know, Russell,
I have this problem.
I don't know whether
to laugh or cry.
Or kill.
Maude, I didn't ask
for this to happen.
When I came back from Europe
I called you for
old times' sakes.
You and Walter were
away for the weekend,
and I talked to Carol.
I was asking her
out before I knew it.
If he called in the daytime,
he'd be going out
with Florida now.
CAROL: Okay, Russell, I'm ready.
Walter, it was a pleasure.
Russell.
As for you, Maude,
I was absolutely overjoyed.
Oh, that's where the
joy was. You had it.
Russell, don't they tape
the Carson show early
and then show it
later on? Uh-huh.
Well, I'm sure you'd wanna
see yourself on television,
so why don't we
expect you at 11:30,
and we'll all watch it together?
Mother, Russell's
already made plans
for us to watch it from
his place in New York.
Look, why don't we
take it as it comes?
If we can, Carol and I
will see you at 11:30.
Good night.
Good night. Good night.
Oh, Walter, the man's no good.
He'll tear her to tatters.
Oh, God, how I wish I smoked.
Maude, stop it.
You're acting like Bette
Davis on a bad day.
But what if they don't
come back here at 11:30?
What if they watch the
show from his place?
And what if they do?
Walter, in what
room do you and I
and every other
couple in America
watch the Johnny Carson show?
Florida!
We'll have our dinner now.
Maude, Carol's a big girl.
Now, come on.
What's really bugging
you about this guy?
All right, Walter, I'll tell ya.
I'm really troubled about Carol.
Russell Asher is a lady-killer.
He goes through women the way
you go through summer underwear.
Believe me, I know.
In other words, he jilted you.
That's a very
dated word, Walter.
But still... He jilted me.
And if Carol's not careful,
the same thing's
going to happen to her.
She's only had a couple
of dates with the guy.
Maybe she'll never even
get serious about him.
Maybe you're right.
And maybe we'll find that out
when she brings
him back at 11:30.
Miss Carol ain't bringin' nobody
back at 11:30, Mrs. Findlay.
Not tonight, anyway.
Well, how do you know?
'Cause I just tidied
her bathroom,
and the little devil...
She took her
toothbrush with her.
Good morning. Morning, honey.
You didn't come to
bed last night, did you?
Nope.
Did Carol ever get home?
Yep. Six minutes
after 4, this morning.
Well, at least she didn't
spend all night with him.
Walter, Rome was sacked
in less than three hours.
Did you speak with her?
Did she use her toothbrush?
Walter, how could I ask
her a question like that?
She told me to mind
my own business.
Maude, can I have a couple
of eggs instead of cereal?
No, you had eggs yesterday.
You know how high
in cholesterol they are.
They're high in good taste too,
which is more than I
can say for this goop.
Honey, I'd rather have you
alive with a belly full of goop
than dead with
eggs in your veins.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Russell, this is the third time
you've called this morning.
No, she isn't down yet.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Uh, hold on. Just a minute.
I'll get it. Stay where you are.
The longer he waits,
the older he gets.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Coming!
Carol! You'll be late for work.
[QUIETLY] And
Russell's on the phone.
Flowers for Carol,
uh... I knew it.
I knew it.
You knew I was gonna
be deliverin' flowers today?
No, I knew something else.
Like what?
What are you? A
delivery man or a relative?
Here, and thanks
for your trouble.
Fifty cents? Some thanks.
Wait a minute, you
don't like it? Let me see it.
I like it.
I'll tell you what, since
you don't like it and I do,
why don't I just keep it?
Carol? I'll tell him
to call you back later.
From Bangor.
Maude, I don't understand it.
My grandpa, that had bacon
and eggs every morning of his life,
and he lived till he was 96.
Sure. But that was before
they learned about cholesterol.
Hello, Russell? No,
she's not downstairs yet.
And she hasn't picked
up the extension.
All right, if you insist.
Walter, you know what's in here?
A single rose.
That's what Russell always does.
The morning after,
he always sends a
single, perfect rose.
Wait a minute, Maude.
That's for Carol.
Well, it's not like
I'm opening her mail.
I hate him.
No, I really hate him.
Well, what did he do now?
He sent 24 perfect roses.
Hello, Russell?
Listen, you're
tying up the phone,
and I'm expecting a call
from Lord-knows-who.
All right, I'll tell her.
Goodbye.
Walter, I am going to
put a stop to this now.
Now, look, Maude,
if you break this up,
Carol's gonna think
you're an overprotective,
interfering mother.
You want that?
It's a hazard of
the trade, Walter.
I didn't interfere when
she eloped with Pete,
and it ended in divorce.
I've never forgiven myself.
Then why didn't you interfere?
I was in Reno at the
time, divorcing Albert.
Morning, everybody.
Morning.
Carol, I wanna talk to you.
Mother, I've gotta get dressed.
I don't wanna be late for work.
Carol, Russell sent
you these flowers.
Mother, I don't
have time. Carol!
Carol, I said Russell
sent you flowers.
Oh, now, look, honey...
I know you're
gonna tell me again
to mind my own business,
but look at it this way:
God couldn't be everywhere.
That's why he invented mothers.
Honey, I know what Russell
Asher does to women.
You have to stop seeing him.
Okay.
Carol, don't do this to me!
I have just made
an impassioned plea!
And I said okay.
Something happened last night.
What'd he do to
you? Carol, I'll kill him.
I'll kill him!
Mother, it's all right.
You went to his place
to watch the show, right?
He didn't get on
till quarter to 1.
And don't tell me that you
watched Virginia Graham
and those two
midgets from Austria
for an hour and 15 minutes.
Maude, I've got to get dressed.
He brought out
champagne, didn't he? Yes.
Piper-Heidseick, 1961?
Yes, I think so.
Yeah, and then he did 10 minutes
wrestling the cork
between his knees?
Oh, Mother. The
lights were dim, Carol,
and it was very romantic?
No, it was not romantic.
He called me "Maude."
He called her "Maude."
Maude, are you all right?
Oh, Walter, Carol and Russell
are not seeing
each other anymore.
He called her "Maude."
Is that why you seem so pleased?
He called her "Maude"?
Walter, I'm pleased that
she's not seeing him anymore.
It has nothing to do with that.
It doesn't, huh?
This guy goofs in an intimate
moment and calls her "Maude."
Now, I didn't say it was
an intimate moment, Walter.
Okay.
They were plucking
chickens at 3 in the morning,
and he called her "Maude."
Walter, you are jealous.
Don't be silly. You are jealous.
I have had it up to
here with Russell Asher.
The poor soul.
He doesn't realize that he's
only hungering for my daughter
because of his
latent feelings for me.
He called her "Maude."
I don't believe it.
Last night you were Bette Davis.
This morning, Joan Crawford.
Walter, jealousy
is not the answer.
It's a tragic
situation for a man
who's almost 50 years old.
It's tragic.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Maude, I couldn't
wait any longer.
I had to see Carol.
Russell...
Dear, Russell.
I'm in that much trouble, huh?
Russell, please come
in. I wanna to talk to you.
Would you like some coffee?
No, no, no, no. I'm
in no mood for coffee.
Juice?
Fresh juice?
Can I squeeze you an orange?
Maude, I want to see Carol.
Russell, we got your
flowers, and we love them.
But, Russell, Carol no
longer wishes to see you.
Maude, if you can arrange for me
to have five minutes
alone with your daughter,
everything will be fine.
Listen to me, Russell.
When I was a little
girl, there was a song.
I forget where I heard it,
but it's always
stayed in my mind.
It went... 'Tis good
to be merry And wise
'Tis good to be honest And true
'Tis well to be off
With the old love
Before you go on With the new
There's also "The
Star-Spangled Banner"
if anyone feels like standing.
Look, Maude, I have
to sign autographs
in four different
bookstores today.
Will you please
tell Carol I'm here?
CAROL: Mother, I'm leaving.
Oh, Carol, listen.
About last night...
I don't wanna talk
about last night.
But I do.
Look, Russell, I don't
wanna see you again.
That's all there is to it.
I have to explain to you
why I called you "Maude."
Remember when you said I
was embarrassing on the show?
You were embarrassing.
Comparing yourself to Hemingway?
Why not?
I am as good as Hemingway.
You know how many paperbacks
I sold in the last four years?
Six million in 42
languages including Swahili.
And who cares?
You've got an ego that
flows like Niagara Falls.
There, that's it.
That's just the kind of
thing your mother would say,
and you said it right in
the middle of our fight.
That's why I called you Maude.
I'm not angry because
you called me "Maude."
I just don't wanna
see you again.
They were fighting when
he called her Maude.
What does that mean?
Everything you say,
I was just mortified.
I don't wanna hear any more.
They were fighting when
he called her "Maude."
What did you say, Mother?
Uh, nothing.
What did you think was going
on when he called me "Maude"?
Nothing, Carol.
I was just surprised that
you were fighting, that's all.
Mother...
Did you think that
Russell and I were...?
You actually thought
Russell and I w...?
When he called me "Maude"?
That's a riot.
Carol, a chuckle, perhaps.
Hardly a riot.
Now, listen, both of you.
I just wanted you to understand
that Carol criticized
me last night
in the same way you
criticized me years ago, Maude,
which is why we broke up.
Broke up, my foot.
You walked out on me.
He did what to you? Carol.
Quiet. Maude!
Quiet! He walked
out on me, Carol.
And I wanted to keep him
from doing the same thing to you.
But it wouldn't.
How can you hold against
me something that happened
years ago with your mother?
Oh, I'm not,
Russell, believe me.
The only thing I'm
holding against you
is that you're a
conceited, pompous bore.
Carol, can I add
something to that?
Boring, boring, boring bore!
I am boring?
Out!
Russell, you've been rejected.
Now, I know it's a
blow to your pride.
But I don't want you
to take it personally.
On second thought, Russell,
please take it personally.
The worst nose
job I've ever seen.
Good morning, honey.
Good morning, Mother.
He was supposed to meet
me at the lake in Central Park.
I sat in a rowboat
thinking that Russell
was gonna to bring me a ring.
Oh. I waited, and I
waited, and I waited.
Even the ducks went home.
Maude...
Maude, I want to apologize.
What for, Walter?
Well, I... I shouldn't
have gotten mad before.
"Mad," my little
euphemism for jealous.
Oh, honey, don't worry about it.
After all, he did
call her "Maude,"
and you had every
right to be a little jealous.
I better get to work.
Mother...
Walter thinks Russell called me
"Maude" in a romantic moment.
Why didn't you
tell him the truth?
I think every marriage should
have a little mystery in it.
♪ A woman's a
two-face A worrisome... ♪
WALTER: Maude, come on!
MAUDE: Don't you run
away from me, Walter Findlay.
Walter Findlay, you
come right back here!
Will you forget it?
Forget it? Forget it?
How can a woman
forget a thing like that?
What's going on? It's
2:00 in the morning!
Nothing to speak of.
Well, I can speak of it.
It was contemptible!
It was outrageous!
It was... It was...
It was degrading!
What did he do? He
called me "Sylvia"!
I was kidding, Maude.
You were kidding?
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪