Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 22 - Maude's Night Out - full transcript

[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]

♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪

♪ If the whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪



♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪

MAUDE: ♪ Tiptoe
through the tulips ♪

♪ Through the tu... ♪

Hi, sweetheart.

Come on, Walter. Wake up.



Come on, baby.
We're gonna be late.

No, no, no.

Come on, come on. Walter.

Come on, sweetheart.

Come on, darling. We're
gonna be late for the party.

I see Frasier, the
Sensuous Lion,

is at it again.

Look, sweetheart, I
don't know who she is

but stop dreaming
about her and wake up.

Look, Walter, if you're
not up in one minute,

I am going to pour
this very dry martini

into your left
semicircular canal.

Where's all this
light...? Come on.

We have exactly 29 minutes

to get dressed
and get to the party.

Maude, you know I
hate to rush. Come on.

Why didn't you wake
me at 7 like I told you?

Honey, I didn't have
the heart to disturb you.

You looked so
sweet and vulnerable,

lying there with your
mouth hanging open

and the whites of
your eyes exposed.

I'm not gonna rush, Maude.
We'll be late, that's all.

Joanna and Cliff asked
that everyone be prompt.

Well, you rush. The
hell with Cliff and Joanna.

I'm taking my time.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Your pantyhose made
a puddle on the floor.

Stop complaining and mop it up.

Mop it up...

Crying out loud.

Oh, if it's not one
thing, it's another.

Now there's no more toothpaste.

Sweetheart, Mommy
has something here

guaranteed to bring baby
back nonstop from Grumpyland.

Look, since when do we
have cocktails in the can?

Come on, honey. Bottoms up.

And from the look on
your face, I wish yours was.

I don't want a drink.

Ah, the hell with it.

I'll just go the party
with yellow teeth.

Honey, there's
something on your mind.

Now, what is it?

It's, uh, nothing.

Nothing's on my mind.

Walter, did you have your
prune juice this morning?

You wanna know
what's on my mind?

Yes, Walter, I do.

Where's my shaving cream?

I asked you to get me a
new can of shaving cream,

and all I can see is
rows of your needs,

very nicely taken care of.

Not one but two cans of
Lidex spray. And all I ask...

What do you call this, Walter?

All I ask is that you
put my shaving cream

in the same place
so I can find it.

If that's asking too much
then I don't know what to say.

Look, Walter, something
is on your mind.

Now, what is it?

Look, the basin.

The... The water
doesn't wanna go down.

Have you been combing your
hair over the basin again, Maude?

Walter, look at my scalp,

then look at your scalp.

Now, who's hair do you
think is clogging up the drain?

Come on. Honey, we're
going to a party tonight.

Now, let's be in a party mood.

Ah, some party.
♪ We will tiptoe ♪

♪ Through the
tulips Through... ♪

Let's see now.

Should I wear my green

or did I wear my
green to the Bartons'?

Honey, did I wear my green dress

to the Bartons' two weeks ago?

What's the difference?

They were all stoned
when we got there anyway.

Yeah, I think I'll
wear the... The green.

Sweetheart, what do
you think? Be honest.

Huh?

I said, what do you think?

Be honest.

I hate it.

Walter, if I want your
opinion, I'll ask for it.

Why is there always
a puddle of water

in the bottom of the soap dish?

Okay, that does it, Walter.
Now, come on, honey,

Come on. Something
is bothering you.

Why are...? Why are
you picking at me like this?

Honey, if it's because I let
you sleep an extra half-hour,

I'm sorry. Maude,

will you excuse me? I gotta
see a man about a horse.

Maude, you know I hate parties.

You know I've
always hated parties.

You hate parties, Walter?

Then tell me.

Who was that funny
little man with a mustache

named Walter at the
Wilson's two weeks ago

trying to organize a conga
line to go "one-two-three, kick"

all the way into town to see
Sexual Freedom in Denmark?

Honey, you had a
marvelous time that night,

and you're gonna have
a marvelous time tonight.

I mean, Cliff is a...
Is a charming host

and Joanna is a great cook.

As a matter of fact, sweetheart,

she's going to make
her special paella tonight.

She showed me the
recipe. It should be delicious.

What the hell is paella?

You know, you're
the only man I know

who looks great in toilet paper.

The national dish of
Spain, don't you remember?

It's made with chicken parts
and seafood and vegetables

on a bed of saffron rice.

It's all coming back to me.

Fricassee of beaks and claws.

Honey?

Sweetheart,

you think it's too early in
the season to wear yellow?

How about this?
What do you think?

It's both comfortable and
ravishing at the same time.

Thanks for the consultation.

Oh, what we men
have to go through

just to smell like Hugh O'Brian.

♪ The night is young ♪

♪ And I'm so beautiful ♪

♪ Here among the shadows ♪

♪ Beautiful lady ♪

What's the big deal
tonight, Maude?

We're gonna spend a
lousy evening up the street.

You're cavorting around
like you just got an invitation

to tango with Marlon Brando.

All right, Walter. That's it.

Now, look, I wanna know
what is bugging you, Walter,

and I wanna know right now.

Okay. Cliff Naylor.

Cliff Naylor?

Cliff Naylor!

Honey, Cliff Naylor is a very
sweet, gentle, funny man.

Now, why don't
you like Cliff Naylor?

It's the way he looks at
you. That's what bugs me.

Cliff Naylor is a very outgoing,
gregarious man, Walter.

If he looks at me anyway...

And I'm totally
unaware of it if he does.

He's that way with everyone.

He's not that way with me.

He has a thing for you, Maude.

He never takes his
eyes off your rear end.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Walter.

My rear end?

Oh, it is true I'm thinner
now than I have been in years.

Are you sure, Walter?

You'd think he was trying
to read a bumper sticker.

And he always looks
right into your eyes

whenever he tells one
of his crummy, dirty jokes,

which is about 30 every seconds.

How can he look in
my eyes if he's so busy

looking at my rear end?

Look, how do I know?

You just can't
trust him, that's all.

May I look at myself
in the mirror, Walter?

Take my word for
it, Maude. It's there.

Come on, honey,

you have to admit that
Cliff is a very funny man.

I mean, that joke
he told about the...

The fat lady with
the pet hamster.

[LAUGHING]

Look, that joke wasn't
funny when I read it

in Stars And Stripes in 1943

and it hasn't
improved with time.

Oh, that poor wife of his.

Boy, do I feel sorry for Joanna.

You feel sorry for Joanna?

Walter, I can't believe my ears.

The one you should
feel sorry for is Cliff.

Tied all these years
uncomplainingly

to that tiny, little,
birdlike, chinless woman.

Here, zip me up.

I thought you liked Joanna.

I love Joanna.

She's a marvelous,
marvelous, marvelous...

driver.

Will you suck in?

And she really makes
beautiful left-hand turns.

A really first-rate driver.

Look, how do you do this?

There's a hook that
fastens on the loop.

What loop?

There's a loop
back there, Walter.

Well, I can't find it.

Why don't they make
it big enough to see?

The loop must be broken.

It is not.

Then my eyes are broken!

You know, I'll say one thing
about being married to Albert:

He had beady eyes
and nimble fingers.

Seriously, honey,

why do you feel
sorry for Joanna?

Will you forget it?

No, I really wanna know.

Forget it. Maude, I
have an ingrown hair,

and what are the chances
of ever finding my tweezers?

Slim, Walter, very slim.

Maude, I want my tweezers!

Oh, Walter, Walter.

It's not as though I didn't
know exactly where they were.

Okay, Maude, what happened?

The points are stuck together.

Don't worry about it, honey.

It's just a little
airplane glue.

Phillip and I put the
U.S.S. Lexington together

this afternoon.

Oh.

I'll bet you never
would've dipped

Cliff Naylor's good
tweezers into airplane glue.

Walter, would it be possible
for you to get dressed,

and be disagreeable
at the same time?

We're gonna be late.

Late?

You're worried about being late?

Once in our lives, we
were on time for a party,

and you made me drive
around the block 22 times

so we wouldn't be
the first ones there.

You're a tower
of trivia, Walter.

Have you ever thought about
leaving your brain to science?

I could arrange to
have it picked up

first thing in the morning.

No, on second thought,

I'll remove it myself
with your tweezers.

Thank you, darling. Thank you.

Why all of a sudden do
you want to be on time?

Sweetheart, I am
bringing the appetizer.

Cliff and Joanna love
that mushroom-spinach tart

that I made at the Wilsons'.

You know, with the
fluted pastry crust?

You mean, you made that
gray-green beauty again,

knowing how I feel about it?

Walter, it's a
very elegant dish.

Everybody loves it.

Everybody but Walter Findlay.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Gray-green fungus
followed by beaks and claws.

I want you to look at this suit!

What's wrong with it?

Well, it was all
wrinkled in the front.

Now it's all
wrinkled in the back.

It's all right,
Walter. So are you.

Anything of yours is hanging

in nice, neat, tidy,
little plastic bags.

You never even look to see if
anything of mine needs cleaning.

All right, Walter,
you've made your point.

That's it. We're not going!

WALTER: Great! Terrific!

Sensational!

There's an old Lynn
Bari movie on television

we can watch tonight.

Terrific. I've always
loved Lynn Bari.

Look, Walter, don't think
you're punishing me by not going.

Why would I wanna
punish you, Maude?

I only wish you
had told me sooner.

It would've saved
me a pint of blood

and a roll of toilet paper.

Bleed, Walter.

Do you know what
I'm going to do now?

I am going to call Joanna,
and I am gonna tell her

why we're not coming tonight.

Good. Good. Here, wait a minute.

Here, be my guest.

I'm gonna to tell her

the whole rotten,
sordid mess, Walter.

All about your carnal fantasies.

How you can't
stand her husband's

alleged furtive glances
at my fabulous fanny.

She's gonna hear
everything, Walter, so help me.

See if I care. Tell
her anything you like.

Uh, hello, Joanna?

Hi, dear. It's Maude. Yeah.

Listen, sweetheart,

Walter has
something to tell you.

Walter, I really think you
handled that brilliantly.

I mean, so imaginative,

telling Joanna that
you just woke up

with a splitting headache.

I'm trying to
remember, sweetheart.

Who'd ya steal that from,

Noel Coward or Bert Parks?

What I really loved, though,

was when you told her that
you loved... Okay, Maude!

Get dressed, we're
going to the party.

No.

That's what you want, isn't it?!

No!

I love parties,
and I love people

but we are not going.

You woke up with
a splitting headache.

For once, I'd like to make
an honest man of you.

You wanna go, so we'll
go. I don't want to go.

You're just saying that
'cause you think I want to go.

Now we're going,
and that's that.

All right, Walter. If
that's what you want.

We'll go.

Only so that I can see
your enchanted face

across a crowded room.

Maude, I don't want to stand
between you and a good time.

A good time?

It's too late for a
good time, Walter.

Do you think for a minute that
I'd be able to enjoy myself now,

knowing that your
hot, feverish eyes

would be following
me wherever I went?

You danced with Cliff five times
at the club dance last month.

I remember because
every time you dipped,

his nose got
caught in your navel.

He's a pygmy, Maude.

And he has a thing for you.

And whether... Whether
you admit it or not,

that's very dangerous
for a woman of your age.

Oh, don't be ridic...

A woman of my age, Walter?

Walter, don't think I don't
know what you mean by that.

Let me tell ya something about
a woman of my age, Walter.

I am not a woman
of my age, I tell you.

And, Walter, have you taken a
good look at yourself recently?

I didn't wanna say it
before, honey but...

your gums are
beginning to recede.

And for your information,

Cliff Naylor is at least an inch
and a half taller than you are,

and he has gorgeous gums.

What do you think of that?

[GARGLING]

I read your
gargling like a book.

You're jealous of Cliff Naylor.

Jealous?

I am not jealous.

Well, you better be.

Cliff happens to
have a thing for me...

This woman of my
age, as you called me.

Difficult as that may
be for you to believe.

Oh, I believe it.

You better believe it.

A tall, handsome man
finds me fascinating, Walter.

Intellectually,
spiritually and physically.

Despite the fact that I have
done everything in my power

to discourage it because
he means nothing to me,

absolutely nothing.

Even though he
is one hell of a guy.

You're kidding yourself, Maude.

You just admitted
that he is after you.

That's not what bugs me.

Maude, it's what he does to you.

Maude, he turns you on.

Oh, Walter, you're insane.

You're stark, staring mad.

I don't treat Cliff
any differently

than I treat any other
man. Here, zip me up.

I'm not talking
about any other...

I know what you're
talking about, Walter.

Well, how would
you like to suck in

like you're supposed to?

One man ogles me

and you're ready to stitch
a scarlet letter on my chest.

F for "fallen."

Take the loop.

Oh, you'd love
that, wouldn't you?

Walter, what kind of a
woman do you think I am?

The kind who paints her
face and wears a trench coat,

stands under a lamppost
singing "Lili Marleen"?

[AS MARLENE DIETRICH] ♪ Underneath
the lamppost By the village gate ♪

Maude, I never said
that anything happened.

I just said he turned you on.

Walter, just because
you're insecure

don't take it out on me.

All right! I am insecure!

I know I'm not the
best-looking guy in the world

but, frankly, I'm a
little worried about you.

Listen, Walter, if you
don't believe in me,

at least believe
in Cliff Naylor.

Because Cliff Naylor, Walter,

happens to be an
extremely idealistic man

who believes in the
sanctity of marriage,

and who has never so much
as looked at another woman

for 19 long, unrewarding years

married to that chinless,
little gray person.

I thought you liked Joanna.

I love Joanna. She's one of
my favorite people in the world.

And do you realize what
you're making me do to her?

A fabulous dinner party
and a burned appetizer.

Of course, if she
were a better cook,

she wouldn't have had to ask
everybody to bring something.

As far as Cliff
Naylor goes, Walter,

he has always had
nothing but respect, Walter,

for the fact that I, up
until about 17 minutes ago,

was a happily married woman.

Does that answer your question?

Cliff Naylor may come on
like Mr. American Pie to you,

but right now,
that idealistic man,

who believes in the
sanctity of marriage,

is having a very hot
and very heavy affair

with a very married
woman at the club.

Oh, Walter, that is a
despicable thing to say.

Do you honestly expect
me to believe that?

It's the truth, Maude.

And the name of the
truth is Harriet Powers.

Harriet Powers. Oh,
Walter, will you be serious?

Harriet Powers! [CHUCKLING]

Come on, honey. Harriet Powers.

You wanna know something?
You really had me going there.

Now, that's not nice.

Harriet Powers.

I mean, if you'd said
anybody else in the world,

but Harriet Pow...
Let's face it, honey.

Nobody would make
love to Harriet Powers

unless they were
required to by law.

Maybe not. But your pygmy is.

Listen to me, Walter.

This is a very, very
dangerous piece of gossip,

and I want you to tell
me where you heard it

so that I can get right
down to the bottom of it.

Because, honey, any woman
with ankles like Harriet's

deserves all the help
and support she can get.

Now, where did you hear it?

Straight from the horse's mouth.

Oh, honey, Harriet?

Harriet is so desperate,
she'd say anything.

Maude!

Cliff told me.

Cliff told you?

At the club. It's
very confidential.

Nobody knows it but
the paid-up membership.

It's true, Maude.

H...? Harriet Powers?

How could he stand it with
that terrible laugh of hers?

And how could she
have time for an affair?

She's always at
the electrolysist's.

Walter, Harriet
Powers is hideous.

She's dull and stupid and hairy.

And I always thought
you liked Harriet.

I love Harriet.

I can just be very objective
about her shortcomings.

Cliff told you that?

He gives progress reports
every Sunday in the steam room.

Oh, poor Joanna.

I mean, so...

So sweet and so
bright and so chic.

And birdlike. Right!

And chinless.
Right! Right! Right!

And all these years

married to that
5-foot-3-inch greaseball.

Maude, sweetheart,

why are you
carrying on like this?

I am not carrying on,
Walter. I'm very calm.

No, you're not. Yes, I am calm!

Why should I care if a
tacky little man I barely know

is having an affair with
an extremely crude woman,

who happens to have the
filthiest locker at the club?

I mean, why should I care?

I don't know. Why
should you care?

I don't care. Why...?
Why do you think I care?

I wanna tell ya something...

I care.

I care.

I care, I care. Oh,
why, Walter, why?

Why? Sweetheart,
because he turns you on.

Oh, no. No, that's
not true, Walter.

You turn me on.

Cliff... Cliff flattered me.

He held doors for me,
and he pulled my chair out

when we were through dancing.

I mean, silly little
things like that.

He flattered me.

He... He paid attention to me...

Oh, I'm such a fool.

How could he have been
so earnest and noble with me

when all the time he
was having an affair

with hairy Harriet Powers?

And I love Harriet.

Don't I pay attention
to you, Maude?

Walter, let me put
it this way, honey.

If you even once
held my coat for me

I'd be convinced
you'd just found out

I had less than a week to live.

Ah, come on,
sweetheart, I love you.

Oh.

So I don't always
help you with your coat.

Oh, I'm sorry, Walter.

You know something?

You have every right to refer
to me as a woman of my age.

I am a woman of
my age right now.

'Cause if I weren't, I wouldn't
have been so flattered.

And that's all it was,
Walter. Flattered.

And maybe...

Maybe even a little grateful
that it's not all gone by.

That another man
could find me...

And only me.

Attractive.

Oh, but you're very
attractive. Don't you know that?

Oh, I don't wanna be attractive!

Walter, attractive is
the consolation prize!

I want to be beautiful!

[SOBBING]

And it'll never
happen again, Walter.

Oh, honey, this face is
on its way out, Walter.

And I'm not ready for it.

I'll never be ready for it.

You wanna know the truth, Maude?

I think I'll be a
little bit relieved

when it finally does go.

Well, you know, I don't
handle jealousy all that well.

Oh, I noticed that.

Maude, it's the middle-aged
need to be flattered.

I've gone thought it.
We've all gone through it.

Oh, sweetheart,

what woman wouldn't be flattered

by the really rotten
performance you put on tonight?

Well, now that my
headache's all gone

do you still want
to go to the party?

There's no reason
not to go, believe me.

Oh, great. Suddenly,
I'm in a party mood.

Come on. We'll be late.

Why should we be
the first ones there?

Oh, that pygmy, with
those terrible jokes.

A fat lady with a pet hamster.

You realize, Walter? I'll never
have to laugh at them again.

Come on, Maude. [PHONE RINGING]

Sweetheart, I'm gonna
spend the entire evening

leering at your rear end.

[BLOWS KISS] I dig you.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Cliff.

Yeah, this is Maude.

Well, yeah, Walter's headache
is gone so we'll be there.

Yeah.

What?

What's that?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Cliff, honestly,
you're terrible.

[LAUGHING]

"Come on over, and
we'll play strip checkers."

[LAUGHING]

Well, Maude, your
friend Cliff Naylor

really blew his
reputation tonight.

I mean, he must've been loaded.

That's the only
explanation I can think of.

Well, I've never
seen anything like it.

Imagine. So loaded he even
made a pass at his own wife.

Oh, poor Joanna.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪