Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 2 - Doctor, Doctor - full transcript
Maude clashes with Arthur over sexual liberation and hang-ups after her grandson Phillip is found playing doctor with Arthur's granddaughter.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Phillip.
Phillip.
Oh, he's out in the
backyard, playing.
Mmm. Where's Walter?
He's in the den
watching football.
It's a great day in
Indiana for atheists.
What do you mean?
Well, Notre Dame is
playing Southern Methodist,
and God is making it rain.
Oh, honey, you want
to split a sandwich?
I don't know. What kind is it?
Gee, I don't know.
The makings come out
of one of those little
plastic containers
that seem to pile
up in the refrigerator.
It's either tuna fish
or chicken salad,
or very old rice pudding.
No, thanks, Mother,
I'm not hungry.
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, not again.
If that thing rings
one more time today...
Hello?
Yes, Helen, I know all about
that hurricane in the Caribbean,
and for reminding me
of it, I wish you were in it.
Bye-bye.
How could the weather
bureau do that to me?
Naming that thing
Hurricane Maude.
Now you know how I felt
when they named
the other one "Carol."
But at least they
didn't describe you
as attacking the naval
base at Guantánamo.
I better get Phillip for lunch.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Maude!
Maude!
Congratulations,
I've seen the paper.
You missed the mainland
and blew out to sea.
Arthur, I do not find it funny
that men name
hurricanes after women.
But we do it out of love,
Maudie. It's traditional.
Man has always named the
things in life he cherishes most
with female names:
His, uh, flag and country,
ships at sea, and
his national disasters.
You know, Arthur,
since you're a doctor,
they should name
a rash after you.
You have all the
charm and personality
of prickly heat.
[CHUCKLES]
Maudie, Maudie...
is that any way to
speak to a neighbor?
"Maudie"? Do you know that
nobody has called me Maudie
since my Aunt Gertrude?
At age 14, I put a curse on her.
Thirty-three years
later, she died.
So when you're 80, watch it.
Hi, Art. You want to
watch the game with me?
That's what I came over for.
Oh, oh, I also wanted to check
Maudie out on Proposition 17.
It's on the November
ballot, you know.
Well, of course I know.
And you're for it?
Naturally.
So you must be against it.
It follows as the
night unto the day.
I thought so.
[PAGER BEEPING]
Oop, that's for me.
I'd better go home
and call my service.
Wait a minute, Art.
Can I see that thing?
Yeah.
I'll be darned.
It just goes to show you
what good old
American know-how...
and a Japanese factory can do.
What is it?
That's my electronic bleeper.
When a patient needs me,
my answering service
bleeps me, and I call in.
Hmm... I better go.
Good.
And I wish you a life
full of bleeps, Arthur.
Sure I can't change your mind
on Proposition 17, Maudie?
No, and let me make
that perfectly clear.
Oh, a dig at Mr. Nixon, huh?
Maudie, Maudie...
Stick to the murky, muddled
metaphors of Mr. McGovern...
Maudie.
Oh, how that man
ravishes reason!
Maude, Arthur's
been my best friend
for longer than I've known you.
And you know how I do it?
By setting a very low
standard for friendship.
By never discussing politics.
He's a conservative,
but he's also a nice guy.
And I wish you'd stop
arguing with him all the time.
Listen, with Arthur it is
not a matter of arguing.
It's a matter of trying to
reeducate a sick mind.
What are you doing?
I'm looking through the, uh,
League of Women Voters pamphlet.
I want to find out what,
uh, Proposition 17 is.
You don't know?
No, but I wasn't about
to admit it to Arthur.
I'll rip his heart out!
What is it?
There is no Proposition 17!
[LAUGHS]
Don't laugh. What a lousy trick.
Just play in your room, Phillip.
We'll talk about it later.
That son of mine...
Okay, what's he done now?
I just found Phillip behind
the garage with Angela.
MAUDE: You mean
Arthur's granddaughter?
Yes. Both of them
standing there,
without a stitch of
clothing on, looking.
For what?
Phillip said they
were playing doctor.
Oh, how adorable.
Wonder what that
kid will think of next.
I think he already has.
I pray to God Arthur
doesn't hear about this.
Maude! Carol!
There is no God.
Prepare yourself for a shock.
My granddaughter Angela, age 7,
visiting with her grandfather
for a few innocent hours of fun,
has just informed me that
she's been playing doctor
with your Phillip out
behind the garage.
Yeah, we know. We know, Arthur.
You know. Well, look
at it this way, Arthur.
Phillip admires you.
He was trying to emulate you.
Then see that he has
a nurse in the room
the next time he's
examining patients.
I want that boy
properly punished.
For what? For being
interested in his body?
No. For being interested
in my granddaughter's body.
Arthur, what are
you trying to do?
Make a couple of 8-year-olds
ashamed of their bodies?
This is a question
of morality, Maude.
The boy must be punished.
Well, shall we leave him
stranded out in the desert,
or would a simple
crucifixion be enough?
Maude, that is blasphemy.
No. What's blasphemy
is your attitude toward
the human body, one
of his masterworks.
I see the situation here.
This is a permissive household
in a permissive society.
The moral decay of this country
increases by the minute,
and you won't lift a finger
to do anything about it.
Carol, if the future of
the country depends on it,
spank the kid.
Walter, that is not funny.
And, Arthur, leave it to
you to twist the innocence
of a couple of 8-year-olds
looking at their own bodies.
Each other's bodies.
That's even lovelier.
How can you twist that into a...
Into a comment on the
moral decay in our society?
I'm not twisting it.
Just go back to 1951,
when Joe McCarthy
found the State Department
permeated with homosexuals.
Joe McCarthy?
He's doing it again, Walter.
Arthur, you're off the subject.
Oh, you do deny that
there were homosexuals
in the State Department in 1951?
Arthur, you are off the subject!
That's your whole
answer: I'm off the subject.
The entire country is
getting sicker and sicker,
with pornography, dirty
films, wife-swapping...
Wife-swapping?
I think I'm losing
my mind, Walter.
All right, I'll ask
you one more time.
Do you or do you
not deny, that in 1951,
the State Department was
riddled with homosexuals?
Arthur, the State
Department was also riddled
with heterosexuals.
There were plenty of
problems there too, believe me.
Arthur, will you please
get back on the track?
Burt Reynolds doing
a nude centerfold.
I told you I was losing my mind.
I could have sworn I heard
something about Burt Reynolds
in a centerfold.
You start with permissivity.
You continue with sex
education in the schools.
And you wind up with
Burt Reynolds lying naked
in a magazine, with
a staple in his belly.
Now, I've said it before
and I'll say it again:
This country is going
to hell on a toboggan.
You figured that
out, did you, Arthur?
Listen, Walter, get him
a fish from the freezer,
and let him jump
in with the seals.
Arthur, the
country is in trouble
because of attitudes like yours.
And by the way,
did I hear an attack
on sex education in the schools?
You bet you did.
I want sex education back
in the home where it belongs.
Well, then why
wasn't it taught there?
Why did our whole generation
have to learn it in the street?
That's where I
learned it, Maude,
and you never complain.
Where is it going to end?
That's what I want to know.
The other day I was
standing in the supermarket...
Picking over some
lettuce, actually.
When this 13-year-old
girl rushed up to her mother
standing next to me.
You know what
the child asked her?
Do you?
Do you want to know
what the child asked her?
No, but you're going to
tell us anyway. I can tell.
The child asked her...
"Mommy, do you and
Daddy play Switchies?"
Now, the child
asked that question
because she had
just been reading
one of those paperbacks...
"The sensuous..." somebody
or other... at the bookrack.
Where anybody, of any age,
can pick up any filthy thing
and peruse it until
he becomes a pervert!
Arthur, come on.
You're working
yourself into a fit.
I came in here in a fit, Maude!
Now, I'm asking you
people for the last time.
What are you prepared
to do about that boy?
I will talk to him, Arthur.
I will explain to him
that you were upset
because you hold
different attitudes,
but I am not going
to punish him.
Well, that's it for
America, huh?
Pornography, drug
culture, crime in the streets...
MAUDE: Crime in the streets?
Arthur, do you realize
we have just gone
from two kids playing
doctor to crime in the streets?
Arthur, my son
is not a criminal.
And it was not in the streets,
it was behind the garage.
Mother, that has nothing
to do with anything.
Carol, do not
criticize the way I fight.
But you're playing
right into Arthur's hands.
Carol, as a loving mother
to a daughter, butt out.
We are talking about my son.
I will not butt out.
Arthur, you are
so hung up about...
I am not!
Yes, you are! Yes, you are.
And about the human body too.
One of the wonders
of the universe, a...
A divine creation.
Don't you hide behind words
like "divine creation"
with me, Maude Findlay.
You know what you are?
You're all a bunch
of degenerates!
Oh, that's a...? Did ya?
How dare you?
There's the door!
I will never set foot
in this house again!
And if you do, it'll be
over my dead body!
That's good enough for me!
My best friend.
I don't believe it.
Believe it, Walter.
Hurricane Maude
has struck again.
WALTER: If you felt so strongly,
why didn't you call, Arthur?
Hold it, will you? Hold it...
You could have picked
up the telephone, and...
Will you listen to me? What?
I called you twice last week.
You did? Yeah.
And both times Maude answered
and I had to hang up.
Arthur, was that you?
You dum-dum, you hung up on me.
Holy smoke.
You know, one of you two
got to raise your
voice an octave
so we can tell you
and Maude apart.
Walter, let me
ask you something.
Do you know the toughest thing
about being a doctor?
It's turning off
the old "God thing"
when you leave
the office at night.
The "God thing?"
You don't know
what I mean, do you?
See, it... It's the
patients, Walter.
All day long, people
come into my office,
thinking that I hold
their life in my hands.
In fact, some of them...
idolize me.
Now, who else do they
feel that way about?
God.
So it's... you and God, huh?
Exactly.
When I do try to turn it off...
See, now here's the question:
Do I succeed in turning
off the "God thing?"
D-do I, Walter?
You are a little smug, Arthur.
And you do pontificate a...
Come on. The "God
thing." The "God thing."
[SIGHS]
I idolize you.
Aw, come on!
Give me a straight
answer, will ya?
Like right now,
sitting here. See?
Have I got the "God
thing" turned off?
Let me put it this
way to you, Arthur.
Sitting here,
looking at you now,
the last thing in the
world I would think of
is the divinity.
That's very nice of you.
No, no, I appreciate it.
See, because Sheila,
that's my daughter-in-law...
Well... my son
too, for that matter...
They say I don't turn
the "God thing" off
when I leave the office.
They say that a visit from
me is more like a, you know,
descension from the mount.
I'm really just an
ordinary fellow.
Quite ordinary, Arthur.
Thank you, Walter.
You're a good friend.
You know, I really
have missed you.
Listen, Art.
Now, you said you wouldn't,
but you'd step foot in my
house again, wouldn't you?
Ah, sure, I would, Walter.
As a matter of fact...
I have never told
this to another soul,
living or dead,
but Maude was right.
Yeah.
I do have a little,
um, you know...
hang-up about sex.
No. No, it's true, Walter.
See, my mother and father
were both raised in Vermont.
He was a minister and
she was a pharmacist,
and I was their only issue.
I mean, go fight those odds,
fellow, you know what I mean?
Listen, I'm going home.
A half-hour after I get there,
I want you to drop over, okay?
Okay.
Good. Wait a minute.
Innkeeper!
Two more for the road.
Maude. Heard from Walter? Nope.
Don't worry about him, Mother.
He'll be home any minute.
Come on.
How do you like my new dress?
Well, I think
it's a little short.
I didn't ask you about
the length, Mother.
I asked you about the dress.
I know. It's short.
I'm wondering what will
happen if you have to bend over,
and I'm only your mother.
I walk in with a
brand-new dress.
You see the color, the style,
and the fabric
for the first time,
and that's all you
can say, is it's short?
Oh, now I know what you want.
Carol, about the
color, the style,
and the fabric of your dress:
It's short.
You don't like it because
you weren't with me
when I bought it.
You never let me
buy you anything.
The last time I went
shopping with you
was when we were on
our way to Connecticut
and you had to stop for
your first bottle of Midol.
Well...
that's because no matter
what I buy, you don't like it.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. It
has nothing to do with you.
I'm just in a rotten mood.
I know, you're upset
because Walter is late.
Maybe you'd feel better
if you went upstairs
and put your face on.
I put my face on.
Oh, I guess I meant
your eyelashes.
You look beautiful,
Mother. You really do.
It's just a thing
with some women.
I mean, your
eyeliner is on right,
your mascara is on right,
but without the eyelashes...
My eyelashes are on.
Oh.
You're just trying
to get even with me
because I said your
dress was too short.
Not true.
You just really didn't look
like you had your
eyelashes on, that's all.
After all, you know you
have tiny eyes, Maude.
I see everything you see
and a little more
underneath that.
I didn't say you
couldn't see, Mother.
I said you have small eyes.
Well, I could have
had large eyes,
but I turned them down.
Anyway, you have
no right to criticize
my one feature
that isn't perfect.
I'm sorry. I know you're upset.
Oh, you bet I am.
Dinner is one and
a half hours late.
The roast is ruined,
and if Walter doesn't get
home soon, he will be too.
He probably had a late meeting.
I'm sure of it, and I'm
sure it was with Arthur.
That's why I'm so upset.
Evening, one and all.
Oh, Carol, I didn't see you.
Change that to:
"Evening, two and all."
If it isn't Mr. Findlay.
The late Mr. Findlay.
I can't quite put my
finger on it, Maude,
but something about that
remark doesn't appeal to me.
Walter, I'm not going to ask
you if you've been drinking.
Your eyes look like beets.
You were drinking
with Arthur, weren't you?
Right. Ugh.
And that reminds me.
He's gonna be here soon.
What?!
Oh, come on, Walter.
Even drunk, I expect you
to have better
judgment than that.
You can't ask that man in here,
after all the hideous
things he said about us.
What about the hideous things
you said about him, Maude?
They applied, Walter.
The man is hideous.
Mother, you can't
really mean that.
I wonder why I said it, then.
He said he would never
again step foot in this house,
and I can only pray
he's a man of his word.
Men of their word change
their minds, Maude.
"Inconsistency is the
hobgoblin of little minds."
Hmm.
I read that somewhere
in the ninth grade.
Walter, please do not
go back to your childhood.
It is difficult enough
dealing with you as an adult.
Now, the man called us
a bunch of degenerates.
Plus that, he has all
those disgusting hang-ups
about the human body.
And in this house, we don't
have those hang-ups, right?
Speaking for
myself, no, I do not.
Hmm!
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, Mother, listen.
Sexual and physical hang-ups
go with your generation.
With my generation, it's
peace, love, and back to nature.
No hang-ups here.
And no hang-ups here either.
All right.
Since the human
anatomy is... beautiful.
And since we have
no physical hang-ups.
Walter, what are you doing?
I'm taking off my clothes.
Oh, Walter, don't.
No, you're not. Walter!
Come on, Carol.
Come on, Walter, you've
had a little too much.
Look. Walter, Walter.
You will continue this
charade over my dead body.
Maude, please,
one thing at a time.
Oh, a pretty man...
is like a melody.
Come on... Walter!
Put this back on!
Come on, Carol, you're
not getting undressed!
In front of my mother
and my stepfather?
What's that got to
do with anything?
You said it yourself, Maude.
"The human body is one
of the wonders of the world.
A divine creation."
CAROL: Not yours, Walter.
You better start
getting undressed,
or I'll be in
Scotland before you.
Walter Findlay,
you stop right there!
I can't do it, Maude.
It seems like I'm
undressing for the three of us.
Wait! Wait! Carol! Wait!
Wait a minute, Carol.
You said you didn't have
any physical hang-ups.
I have hang-ups!
She has hang-ups!
She has hang-ups!
Oh, that's right.
That's right, Maude.
It's you that doesn't
have the hang-ups.
Stop!
Come on, Walter,
please, pull up your pants.
Carol, get his shoes.
What are they doing
down there? Oh...
Walter.
Walter, you're right.
It hurts me to say this,
but you're absolutely right.
Mwah.
Maude.
My Maude.
[GIGGLES]
Maybe...
the people who live in glass
hang-ups shouldn't throw stones.
Exactly, Walter.
Absolutely.
You are a bunch of degenerates.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
No, this isn't Mr. Findlay,
it's Mrs. Findlay.
No, Mr. Findlay is too
frightened to get out of bed.
Oh, fine, all right, I'll
have him call the office,
the minute he sneaks downstairs.
I'm gonna be late for work.
I'll see you later, Mother.
Mother, don't be too hard
on Walter for last night.
Oh, honey, don't talk to
me about your stepfather.
I am so angry with that man,
I have already hidden
his Alka-Seltzer.
[LAUGHING] I'll see you later.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, my head.
Good morning, Walter.
Morning.
I was never so
humiliated in my life.
I know, I know.
In front of my daughter.
And your best friend.
I know. I know.
You behaved with
no pride, no dignity.
It was beneath contempt.
I know, I know.
There's only one
thing I don't know.
What's that, Walter?
What did I do last night?
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Phillip.
Phillip.
Oh, he's out in the
backyard, playing.
Mmm. Where's Walter?
He's in the den
watching football.
It's a great day in
Indiana for atheists.
What do you mean?
Well, Notre Dame is
playing Southern Methodist,
and God is making it rain.
Oh, honey, you want
to split a sandwich?
I don't know. What kind is it?
Gee, I don't know.
The makings come out
of one of those little
plastic containers
that seem to pile
up in the refrigerator.
It's either tuna fish
or chicken salad,
or very old rice pudding.
No, thanks, Mother,
I'm not hungry.
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, not again.
If that thing rings
one more time today...
Hello?
Yes, Helen, I know all about
that hurricane in the Caribbean,
and for reminding me
of it, I wish you were in it.
Bye-bye.
How could the weather
bureau do that to me?
Naming that thing
Hurricane Maude.
Now you know how I felt
when they named
the other one "Carol."
But at least they
didn't describe you
as attacking the naval
base at Guantánamo.
I better get Phillip for lunch.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Maude!
Maude!
Congratulations,
I've seen the paper.
You missed the mainland
and blew out to sea.
Arthur, I do not find it funny
that men name
hurricanes after women.
But we do it out of love,
Maudie. It's traditional.
Man has always named the
things in life he cherishes most
with female names:
His, uh, flag and country,
ships at sea, and
his national disasters.
You know, Arthur,
since you're a doctor,
they should name
a rash after you.
You have all the
charm and personality
of prickly heat.
[CHUCKLES]
Maudie, Maudie...
is that any way to
speak to a neighbor?
"Maudie"? Do you know that
nobody has called me Maudie
since my Aunt Gertrude?
At age 14, I put a curse on her.
Thirty-three years
later, she died.
So when you're 80, watch it.
Hi, Art. You want to
watch the game with me?
That's what I came over for.
Oh, oh, I also wanted to check
Maudie out on Proposition 17.
It's on the November
ballot, you know.
Well, of course I know.
And you're for it?
Naturally.
So you must be against it.
It follows as the
night unto the day.
I thought so.
[PAGER BEEPING]
Oop, that's for me.
I'd better go home
and call my service.
Wait a minute, Art.
Can I see that thing?
Yeah.
I'll be darned.
It just goes to show you
what good old
American know-how...
and a Japanese factory can do.
What is it?
That's my electronic bleeper.
When a patient needs me,
my answering service
bleeps me, and I call in.
Hmm... I better go.
Good.
And I wish you a life
full of bleeps, Arthur.
Sure I can't change your mind
on Proposition 17, Maudie?
No, and let me make
that perfectly clear.
Oh, a dig at Mr. Nixon, huh?
Maudie, Maudie...
Stick to the murky, muddled
metaphors of Mr. McGovern...
Maudie.
Oh, how that man
ravishes reason!
Maude, Arthur's
been my best friend
for longer than I've known you.
And you know how I do it?
By setting a very low
standard for friendship.
By never discussing politics.
He's a conservative,
but he's also a nice guy.
And I wish you'd stop
arguing with him all the time.
Listen, with Arthur it is
not a matter of arguing.
It's a matter of trying to
reeducate a sick mind.
What are you doing?
I'm looking through the, uh,
League of Women Voters pamphlet.
I want to find out what,
uh, Proposition 17 is.
You don't know?
No, but I wasn't about
to admit it to Arthur.
I'll rip his heart out!
What is it?
There is no Proposition 17!
[LAUGHS]
Don't laugh. What a lousy trick.
Just play in your room, Phillip.
We'll talk about it later.
That son of mine...
Okay, what's he done now?
I just found Phillip behind
the garage with Angela.
MAUDE: You mean
Arthur's granddaughter?
Yes. Both of them
standing there,
without a stitch of
clothing on, looking.
For what?
Phillip said they
were playing doctor.
Oh, how adorable.
Wonder what that
kid will think of next.
I think he already has.
I pray to God Arthur
doesn't hear about this.
Maude! Carol!
There is no God.
Prepare yourself for a shock.
My granddaughter Angela, age 7,
visiting with her grandfather
for a few innocent hours of fun,
has just informed me that
she's been playing doctor
with your Phillip out
behind the garage.
Yeah, we know. We know, Arthur.
You know. Well, look
at it this way, Arthur.
Phillip admires you.
He was trying to emulate you.
Then see that he has
a nurse in the room
the next time he's
examining patients.
I want that boy
properly punished.
For what? For being
interested in his body?
No. For being interested
in my granddaughter's body.
Arthur, what are
you trying to do?
Make a couple of 8-year-olds
ashamed of their bodies?
This is a question
of morality, Maude.
The boy must be punished.
Well, shall we leave him
stranded out in the desert,
or would a simple
crucifixion be enough?
Maude, that is blasphemy.
No. What's blasphemy
is your attitude toward
the human body, one
of his masterworks.
I see the situation here.
This is a permissive household
in a permissive society.
The moral decay of this country
increases by the minute,
and you won't lift a finger
to do anything about it.
Carol, if the future of
the country depends on it,
spank the kid.
Walter, that is not funny.
And, Arthur, leave it to
you to twist the innocence
of a couple of 8-year-olds
looking at their own bodies.
Each other's bodies.
That's even lovelier.
How can you twist that into a...
Into a comment on the
moral decay in our society?
I'm not twisting it.
Just go back to 1951,
when Joe McCarthy
found the State Department
permeated with homosexuals.
Joe McCarthy?
He's doing it again, Walter.
Arthur, you're off the subject.
Oh, you do deny that
there were homosexuals
in the State Department in 1951?
Arthur, you are off the subject!
That's your whole
answer: I'm off the subject.
The entire country is
getting sicker and sicker,
with pornography, dirty
films, wife-swapping...
Wife-swapping?
I think I'm losing
my mind, Walter.
All right, I'll ask
you one more time.
Do you or do you
not deny, that in 1951,
the State Department was
riddled with homosexuals?
Arthur, the State
Department was also riddled
with heterosexuals.
There were plenty of
problems there too, believe me.
Arthur, will you please
get back on the track?
Burt Reynolds doing
a nude centerfold.
I told you I was losing my mind.
I could have sworn I heard
something about Burt Reynolds
in a centerfold.
You start with permissivity.
You continue with sex
education in the schools.
And you wind up with
Burt Reynolds lying naked
in a magazine, with
a staple in his belly.
Now, I've said it before
and I'll say it again:
This country is going
to hell on a toboggan.
You figured that
out, did you, Arthur?
Listen, Walter, get him
a fish from the freezer,
and let him jump
in with the seals.
Arthur, the
country is in trouble
because of attitudes like yours.
And by the way,
did I hear an attack
on sex education in the schools?
You bet you did.
I want sex education back
in the home where it belongs.
Well, then why
wasn't it taught there?
Why did our whole generation
have to learn it in the street?
That's where I
learned it, Maude,
and you never complain.
Where is it going to end?
That's what I want to know.
The other day I was
standing in the supermarket...
Picking over some
lettuce, actually.
When this 13-year-old
girl rushed up to her mother
standing next to me.
You know what
the child asked her?
Do you?
Do you want to know
what the child asked her?
No, but you're going to
tell us anyway. I can tell.
The child asked her...
"Mommy, do you and
Daddy play Switchies?"
Now, the child
asked that question
because she had
just been reading
one of those paperbacks...
"The sensuous..." somebody
or other... at the bookrack.
Where anybody, of any age,
can pick up any filthy thing
and peruse it until
he becomes a pervert!
Arthur, come on.
You're working
yourself into a fit.
I came in here in a fit, Maude!
Now, I'm asking you
people for the last time.
What are you prepared
to do about that boy?
I will talk to him, Arthur.
I will explain to him
that you were upset
because you hold
different attitudes,
but I am not going
to punish him.
Well, that's it for
America, huh?
Pornography, drug
culture, crime in the streets...
MAUDE: Crime in the streets?
Arthur, do you realize
we have just gone
from two kids playing
doctor to crime in the streets?
Arthur, my son
is not a criminal.
And it was not in the streets,
it was behind the garage.
Mother, that has nothing
to do with anything.
Carol, do not
criticize the way I fight.
But you're playing
right into Arthur's hands.
Carol, as a loving mother
to a daughter, butt out.
We are talking about my son.
I will not butt out.
Arthur, you are
so hung up about...
I am not!
Yes, you are! Yes, you are.
And about the human body too.
One of the wonders
of the universe, a...
A divine creation.
Don't you hide behind words
like "divine creation"
with me, Maude Findlay.
You know what you are?
You're all a bunch
of degenerates!
Oh, that's a...? Did ya?
How dare you?
There's the door!
I will never set foot
in this house again!
And if you do, it'll be
over my dead body!
That's good enough for me!
My best friend.
I don't believe it.
Believe it, Walter.
Hurricane Maude
has struck again.
WALTER: If you felt so strongly,
why didn't you call, Arthur?
Hold it, will you? Hold it...
You could have picked
up the telephone, and...
Will you listen to me? What?
I called you twice last week.
You did? Yeah.
And both times Maude answered
and I had to hang up.
Arthur, was that you?
You dum-dum, you hung up on me.
Holy smoke.
You know, one of you two
got to raise your
voice an octave
so we can tell you
and Maude apart.
Walter, let me
ask you something.
Do you know the toughest thing
about being a doctor?
It's turning off
the old "God thing"
when you leave
the office at night.
The "God thing?"
You don't know
what I mean, do you?
See, it... It's the
patients, Walter.
All day long, people
come into my office,
thinking that I hold
their life in my hands.
In fact, some of them...
idolize me.
Now, who else do they
feel that way about?
God.
So it's... you and God, huh?
Exactly.
When I do try to turn it off...
See, now here's the question:
Do I succeed in turning
off the "God thing?"
D-do I, Walter?
You are a little smug, Arthur.
And you do pontificate a...
Come on. The "God
thing." The "God thing."
[SIGHS]
I idolize you.
Aw, come on!
Give me a straight
answer, will ya?
Like right now,
sitting here. See?
Have I got the "God
thing" turned off?
Let me put it this
way to you, Arthur.
Sitting here,
looking at you now,
the last thing in the
world I would think of
is the divinity.
That's very nice of you.
No, no, I appreciate it.
See, because Sheila,
that's my daughter-in-law...
Well... my son
too, for that matter...
They say I don't turn
the "God thing" off
when I leave the office.
They say that a visit from
me is more like a, you know,
descension from the mount.
I'm really just an
ordinary fellow.
Quite ordinary, Arthur.
Thank you, Walter.
You're a good friend.
You know, I really
have missed you.
Listen, Art.
Now, you said you wouldn't,
but you'd step foot in my
house again, wouldn't you?
Ah, sure, I would, Walter.
As a matter of fact...
I have never told
this to another soul,
living or dead,
but Maude was right.
Yeah.
I do have a little,
um, you know...
hang-up about sex.
No. No, it's true, Walter.
See, my mother and father
were both raised in Vermont.
He was a minister and
she was a pharmacist,
and I was their only issue.
I mean, go fight those odds,
fellow, you know what I mean?
Listen, I'm going home.
A half-hour after I get there,
I want you to drop over, okay?
Okay.
Good. Wait a minute.
Innkeeper!
Two more for the road.
Maude. Heard from Walter? Nope.
Don't worry about him, Mother.
He'll be home any minute.
Come on.
How do you like my new dress?
Well, I think
it's a little short.
I didn't ask you about
the length, Mother.
I asked you about the dress.
I know. It's short.
I'm wondering what will
happen if you have to bend over,
and I'm only your mother.
I walk in with a
brand-new dress.
You see the color, the style,
and the fabric
for the first time,
and that's all you
can say, is it's short?
Oh, now I know what you want.
Carol, about the
color, the style,
and the fabric of your dress:
It's short.
You don't like it because
you weren't with me
when I bought it.
You never let me
buy you anything.
The last time I went
shopping with you
was when we were on
our way to Connecticut
and you had to stop for
your first bottle of Midol.
Well...
that's because no matter
what I buy, you don't like it.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. It
has nothing to do with you.
I'm just in a rotten mood.
I know, you're upset
because Walter is late.
Maybe you'd feel better
if you went upstairs
and put your face on.
I put my face on.
Oh, I guess I meant
your eyelashes.
You look beautiful,
Mother. You really do.
It's just a thing
with some women.
I mean, your
eyeliner is on right,
your mascara is on right,
but without the eyelashes...
My eyelashes are on.
Oh.
You're just trying
to get even with me
because I said your
dress was too short.
Not true.
You just really didn't look
like you had your
eyelashes on, that's all.
After all, you know you
have tiny eyes, Maude.
I see everything you see
and a little more
underneath that.
I didn't say you
couldn't see, Mother.
I said you have small eyes.
Well, I could have
had large eyes,
but I turned them down.
Anyway, you have
no right to criticize
my one feature
that isn't perfect.
I'm sorry. I know you're upset.
Oh, you bet I am.
Dinner is one and
a half hours late.
The roast is ruined,
and if Walter doesn't get
home soon, he will be too.
He probably had a late meeting.
I'm sure of it, and I'm
sure it was with Arthur.
That's why I'm so upset.
Evening, one and all.
Oh, Carol, I didn't see you.
Change that to:
"Evening, two and all."
If it isn't Mr. Findlay.
The late Mr. Findlay.
I can't quite put my
finger on it, Maude,
but something about that
remark doesn't appeal to me.
Walter, I'm not going to ask
you if you've been drinking.
Your eyes look like beets.
You were drinking
with Arthur, weren't you?
Right. Ugh.
And that reminds me.
He's gonna be here soon.
What?!
Oh, come on, Walter.
Even drunk, I expect you
to have better
judgment than that.
You can't ask that man in here,
after all the hideous
things he said about us.
What about the hideous things
you said about him, Maude?
They applied, Walter.
The man is hideous.
Mother, you can't
really mean that.
I wonder why I said it, then.
He said he would never
again step foot in this house,
and I can only pray
he's a man of his word.
Men of their word change
their minds, Maude.
"Inconsistency is the
hobgoblin of little minds."
Hmm.
I read that somewhere
in the ninth grade.
Walter, please do not
go back to your childhood.
It is difficult enough
dealing with you as an adult.
Now, the man called us
a bunch of degenerates.
Plus that, he has all
those disgusting hang-ups
about the human body.
And in this house, we don't
have those hang-ups, right?
Speaking for
myself, no, I do not.
Hmm!
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, Mother, listen.
Sexual and physical hang-ups
go with your generation.
With my generation, it's
peace, love, and back to nature.
No hang-ups here.
And no hang-ups here either.
All right.
Since the human
anatomy is... beautiful.
And since we have
no physical hang-ups.
Walter, what are you doing?
I'm taking off my clothes.
Oh, Walter, don't.
No, you're not. Walter!
Come on, Carol.
Come on, Walter, you've
had a little too much.
Look. Walter, Walter.
You will continue this
charade over my dead body.
Maude, please,
one thing at a time.
Oh, a pretty man...
is like a melody.
Come on... Walter!
Put this back on!
Come on, Carol, you're
not getting undressed!
In front of my mother
and my stepfather?
What's that got to
do with anything?
You said it yourself, Maude.
"The human body is one
of the wonders of the world.
A divine creation."
CAROL: Not yours, Walter.
You better start
getting undressed,
or I'll be in
Scotland before you.
Walter Findlay,
you stop right there!
I can't do it, Maude.
It seems like I'm
undressing for the three of us.
Wait! Wait! Carol! Wait!
Wait a minute, Carol.
You said you didn't have
any physical hang-ups.
I have hang-ups!
She has hang-ups!
She has hang-ups!
Oh, that's right.
That's right, Maude.
It's you that doesn't
have the hang-ups.
Stop!
Come on, Walter,
please, pull up your pants.
Carol, get his shoes.
What are they doing
down there? Oh...
Walter.
Walter, you're right.
It hurts me to say this,
but you're absolutely right.
Mwah.
Maude.
My Maude.
[GIGGLES]
Maybe...
the people who live in glass
hang-ups shouldn't throw stones.
Exactly, Walter.
Absolutely.
You are a bunch of degenerates.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
No, this isn't Mr. Findlay,
it's Mrs. Findlay.
No, Mr. Findlay is too
frightened to get out of bed.
Oh, fine, all right, I'll
have him call the office,
the minute he sneaks downstairs.
I'm gonna be late for work.
I'll see you later, Mother.
Mother, don't be too hard
on Walter for last night.
Oh, honey, don't talk to
me about your stepfather.
I am so angry with that man,
I have already hidden
his Alka-Seltzer.
[LAUGHING] I'll see you later.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, my head.
Good morning, Walter.
Morning.
I was never so
humiliated in my life.
I know, I know.
In front of my daughter.
And your best friend.
I know. I know.
You behaved with
no pride, no dignity.
It was beneath contempt.
I know, I know.
There's only one
thing I don't know.
What's that, Walter?
What did I do last night?
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪