Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 16 - Maude and the Medical Profession - full transcript
As Maude and Walter are about to go to Italy, she has a rash. Arthur prescribes some medicine but she has a bad reaction to it.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Hey, you guys, the
champagne's ready.
Oh, great, Carol.
Well, that's the
last of the bags.
We're all packed.
Boy, do I envy you and Mother
taking a second
honeymoon to Italy.
Bon voyage.
Yeah, it's gonna be sensational!
I haven't been in
Italy since the Army.
Boy, how times change.
Now it takes four suitcases
to have a good time in Italy.
During the war all you needed
was a pair of nylons
and a Hershey bar.
MAUDE: Walter! Carol!
Bon voyage, Mother.
Oh, you won't believe this.
Of all times for something
like this to happen.
CAROL: What?
I just broke out
in a terrible rash.
[MOANING]
Maude, Maude. You're kidding.
Does this look like I'm kidding?
Oh, it itches!
[MOANING]
I wonder what it is?
Well, from where I'm scratching,
we can rule out mumps.
Maude, we're not gonna
have to cancel our trip, are we?
Honey, no, don't worry.
We're going to be
on that plane tonight.
If I'm lucky, the person
sitting behind me
will have long legs
and pointed shoes.
[MOANING]
Hi, kids.
I brought you something
to read on the plane.
It's a new book
by Jackie Onassis:
How to Live in Rome
on $10,000 a Day.
[LAUGHS]
Just a little humor.
It's travel book on Italy.
Well, Walter, if you don't
wanna dance with her...
Better leave her alone.
She's got a rash
on her backside.
[MOANS]
Oh, that's better.
Oh, in my parade of pleasures,
scratching an itch
runs a close second.
What's first?
Later.
Well, it's a good
thing I'm here, Maude.
Let's go upstairs.
For what?
I wanna have a
look at your rash.
I just bet you do.
Maude, don't be foolish.
Let Arthur examine
you. He's a doctor.
Oh, come on. Walter,
I am not going to let
my husband's best
friend ogle my naked body.
But he's a doctor, Maude.
He ogles my naked body all
the time, and it's no big deal.
That's because your
naked body is no big deal.
And mine is different.
You'd know that if you'd
ever leave the lights on.
Walter, I need you!
My nurse gave her a
tetanus shot for the trip.
Sometimes those
things produce a reaction.
Oh, no, higher, Walter, higher.
But don't forget lower either.
Ugh, faster, faster, Walter.
I only got two hands, Maude.
I could use two more for
the territory I gotta cover.
God'll get me for that?
No, sweetheart,
he'll forgive you,
but I won't.
Oof!
Arthur, you'd
better do something.
They have a plane
to catch in three hours.
All right, Maudie,
if you won't let me examine
you I know of a dermatologist
down at the Clark Street
Medical Center, Dr. Tasko.
Is he any good, Arthur?
He must be. He drives
a Lincoln Continental.
Well, call him right away.
Tell him I'm on my way.
I'll drive you.
Honey, no, not with that foot.
The irony of it!
Here I am going to Italy
and the roundest part
of me looks like a pizza.
[RINGING] Dr. Tasko's office,
you'll have to hold on, please.
Dr. Tasko's office.
Yes. Yes. Hold on, please.
Oh, I'd love to get a
doctor in one of these.
Oh, no!
[GROANING]
Nurse! Nurse!
My rash is spreading, yes!
Now, look, I was out in that
waiting room for 35 minutes
I've been in this
cubicle for 20.
Now, where is the doctor?
Doctor's doing the best
he can, Mrs. Findlay.
He'll get around to you.
After all, doctor
is not a machine.
No, you're right,
doctor is not a machine.
Doctor is a pain where I itch.
Look, I came here seeking help.
Now, where is it?
Nurse Latch, would
you check the twitch in 2
and the swelling in 5, please?
Oh, yes, doctor.
And you, madam, are, uh...
Mrs. Findlay, and
I'm in a terrible,
terrible rush, doctor.
You see, we're... We're
going to, uh, Italy tonight.
Now, Dr. Harmon called you.
I broke out in an awful rash.
He thinks it might be a
reaction to a tetanus shot
that he gave me. [PHONE RINGS]
Would you excuse me?
Doctor, please! I've
been here... I've...
Yes?
Yes, Dr. Stog, what
can I do for you?
Dr. Harmon, Mrs. Findlay?
Yes. And he said that
he thought possibly...
No, I don't think it
was the antibiotics.
Miss Hayworth often
displays those symptoms.
Doctor!
Number 5, she's
swelling up like a balloon.
It is the chocolate pudding.
See? I better have a look.
Don't mention it, doctor.
Happy to have been
of service to you.
What's that? Why, yes.
Yes, I still have that apartment
building in New Rochelle.
Wonderful investment,
not one vacancy.
Doctor, how about me?
Sorry, no vacancy.
Yes. Well, goodbye, doctor.
Doctor, please,
I'm in an awful rush,
and it's so uncomfortable.
Here.
For a rash?
I'll be there as soon as
I can get away from 2.
Now, look, nurse, please,
I'm in a terrible hurry.
Please get...
City water'll drive 'em crazy.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Dr. Tasko?
Uh, yes, yes, this is Dr. Tasko.
No, I'm sorry, I can't help you.
I am leaving dermatology.
I'm going to become
a veterinarian.
Yeah, call me when
you get a horse.
Oh, let me see,
now, you're, uh...
Mrs. Findlay, doctor.
That's right.
Now, Mrs. Findlay,
let me explain this
whole thing to you.
Actually, there's nothing
to be alarmed about.
You see, Dr. Harmon
called me and told me
that you had a reaction
to a tetanus shot.
In layman's terms, Mrs.
Findlay, you have a rash.
A rash.
Now I know why you
drive a Lincoln Continental.
What's that?
Don't worry. I
anticipate no difficulty
in bringing this under
control. [PHONE RINGS]
Oh, would you excuse me?
No, doctor, please. Please!
Yes, but Mrs... Please!
A-all right. A-all
right, Mrs. Findlay.
Italy, huh?
Oh, wonderful country.
I hope you're going
to Rome. Yeah.
I know a wonderful
restaurant there...
American, right on the...
[PHONE RINGING]
I'll be right there!
Right on the Via Veneto.
Great steak. Please,
don't hang up!
Now, here, you take these
and everything is
gonna be just fine.
Yes... Oh, good,
please put him on.
Yes, doctor. Uh, how...
Mrs. Lucci's boils
are getting worse?
Oh, well, of course I'm
available for consultation.
Yes.
Yes, I certainly
appreciate your asking.
Doctor, I took the pills.
Tonight? What should I do?
I'm terribly sorry, doctor,
I cannot make it tonight.
No, you see, tonight I'm going
to the pharmaceutical
association banquet.
Oh, you too?
Well, good, good.
Yes, I'll see you there.
We can discuss
the boils over coffee.
Fine. Bye-bye now.
Now, then, Mrs. Findlay,
you take one of those
pills every six hours
and have a
wonderful trip to Italy.
Ciao.
I can't imagine
where she is, Arthur.
We're supposed to be at
the airport in 45 minutes.
Dr. Tasko's office said
she left half an hour ago.
She should've been here by now.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Finally.
That must be her.
Maude!
Walter?
Carol?
Don't panic, don't panic.
Everything is fine,
really, everything is fine.
Everything is fine.
Maude!
I know what you're
going through, pal.
I got a sister-in-law:
Take it easy. We'll sit down.
Sweetheart, darling,
what's wrong?
Oh, honey, nothing is wrong.
Mother!
Wait a minute, the taxi.
What happened to the car, Maude?
You didn't have another
accident, did you?
Oh, no, darling, I'm
just a little bit dizzy.
You know, it must
have been the pills.
Well, time to go to the airport.
What kind of pills?
I don't know.
The doctor gave
me some pills and I...
I took them on
the way out and...
A-and they worked.
You see, I feel...
I feel better.
Arthur, what's wrong with her?
She obviously has some
kind of an equilibrium problem.
I'll go and call Tasko.
Maude, what happened?
I don't know. I... I was
driving home and...
And I-I started
getting a little dizzy
so I tried to pull
over to the curb
but instead I... I swerved,
and I almost hit
a poor old lady.
Take my hand, Walter.
Luckily she was a
fast, poor old lady.
Maude, where's the car?
The car?
The car...
Oh, oh, no! The
car! The car is...
Is fine, Carol.
Yes, doctor.
Yes, I'm calling
about Mrs. Findlay.
Findlay.
What was it you
prescribed for her?
Chlorpheniramine maleate?
Yes, well, I... I
presume you, uh,
cautioned her as to
the possible side effects.
What do you mean, you must have?
Well, I'm a very
busy doctor too,
but I hardly think
that's an excuse.
No, I'm afraid I
don't know how it is!
What was that all about?
Maude has taken an
overdose of an antihistamine
that can cause dizziness,
loss of equilibrium,
and it may have given
her an inner ear problem.
She wasn't supposed to
take all the pills at once.
Well, the doctor didn't
tell me that, Arthur.
I think you better go
upstairs and have a nap.
Nap? Oh, no, I'm fine.
No, we are going
to Europe, Arthur.
Absolutely not.
In your condition,
flying could make
you violently ill.
Arthur, I want
to go on this trip.
I... I've been
planning on this trip.
I've never had a
second honeymoon.
I've had four first honeymoons.
But this is my first second.
No, I-I feel wonderful.
We're going to Rome, kids.
Maybe they could fly
the plane at an angle.
I'm sorry, Maude,
you can't go tonight.
Now, in a day or
two you'll feel better
and then you can go.
But, no, Arthur, we
can't go in a day or two.
It's a special charter
flight for Maytag dealers.
I'm not only gonna miss it,
I'm gonna be out 800 bucks.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Honey, we're both sorry.
But I'm also thirsty.
Excuse me. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
You're all so wonderful.
I don't know how I
came to deserve you.
I must really be something.
I feel like punching that
doctor right in the nose.
CAROL: Talk about negligence.
He was negligent,
wasn't he, Arthur?
ARTHUR: Well, it's certainly
unusual not to warn a patient
about medication.
Arthur.
Arthur, my mind is made up.
Your friend Tasko is
guilty of malpractice.
M-m-malpractice? Yes.
N-now, a punch in the
nose, Maudie, all right,
but malpractice?
Tomorrow morning,
Arthur, first thing,
we're going down to my
lawyer's, and we are going to sue.
You can't prove it. It's the
doctor's word against yours.
No, it is not. It's the doctor's
word against yours, Arthur.
Mine?
Yes. You're my witness.
You expect me, a doctor,
to testify in a malpractice suit
against another doctor?
You're gonna sue just
because of a little dizziness?
Yes. I'm going to sue just
because of a little dizziness.
You bet I'm going to sue
because of a little dizziness.
Arthur, we are going to sue.
My rash is back.
Oh, are we going to sue.
Easy, Mother. Easy, easy.
Honey, I'm all right. Carol.
Are you sure?
Sweetheart, let go of me.
I really am fine.
Oh.
Oh.
Thank heaven we
don't dine by candlelight.
Maude, I think
you better lie down.
No, no, it's more important
that we make our plans, Arthur.
Now, tomorrow
morning, first thing,
you and I are going
down to my lawyer's office.
Now, Maude, I am not
saying I'm going to testify,
but I'm not saying
I'm not gonna testify.
Then what are you saying?
I'm saying there are two
sides to every question.
And since there
are two questions...
Will I or won't I?
That makes four sides
we've gotta look at.
Arthur, Arthur, look.
A malpractice suit
will teach Dr. Tasko
that he has a
responsibility to his patients.
I don't care how busy he is.
I mean, after all I'm
not suing to be vindictive
or even for the money.
Well, Maude.
We just lost our 800 bucks.
I'm getting vindictive, and
we're suing for the money.
You're darn right we are.
You can't get your plane fare
back on these charter flights.
Walter, Maude, certainly
both of you must realize
that a malpractice
suit can ruin a doctor.
Arthur, my mother could have
been killed in that car today.
Yes, but she wasn't.
You mean I have to be
dead in order to sue a doctor?
You'd have a much better case.
Maude. If Arthur said
we don't have a case...
We do have a case, Walter!
Arthur, do you realize
what this trip means to us?
Do you know that
we've been planning on it
for over a year? Why...
Maude, where are you going?
To the desk.
The desk is this way.
I know that,
but I have to get
there this way.
Arthur, do you
know what this is?
Do you know what this is?
This, Arthur, is an
Italian language record
I have been studying every day.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Do you know what that means?
That means that my uncle
has a green pencil box.
It took me six
weeks to learn that.
Now, Maude, please, calm down.
You know perfectly well
that nothing is
more important to me
than the well-being
of this family
and serving its best interests.
Then you mean you will testify?
No, it's not in
your best interests.
Now I know why the snake
is on the medical symbol.
Arthur, get out of my house!
Maude, please, don't
talk to Arthur that way.
If he really thought
that Tasko was guilty
he would testify.
Arthur wouldn't
testify to the sun rising
if it involved another doctor.
He's lying through his teeth.
Oh, come on, Carol.
Now, don't say that.
Why not? It's true, isn't it?
Yes, but I want to say it.
Walter, he's lying
through his teeth.
Get out of my house, Arthur!
All right, I'm going.
Wait a minute, Arthur.
Maude, if Arthur goes
under these conditions
then I go with him.
Then go, Walter, go.
Go on, Walter!
But, Walter... What?
Remember one thing:
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
What's that mean?
That's Italian for this:
Darn it, I hate to see you
and Maude fightin' like that.
Especially over me.
Maude just doesn't
understand you, Arthur.
Well, she doesn't understand
about malpractice either.
You know, somebody has
an accident on the street, see,
and a doctor comes along
and he wants to help, you know.
And somethin' goes wrong.
Has nothin' to
do with the doctor,
they can sue the
pants off of him.
Yeah? Sure.
That's why there's no...
In the theater, you know?
And somebody hollers,
"Is there a doctor
in the house?"
Nobody ever answers.
Come on, Arthur. It's true.
I've been there, sittin'
right next to a doctor.
He didn't open his mouth.
Any nut can sue for
malpractice, you know.
Take poor Tasko, he
wasn't all that negligent.
Wait a minute, Arthur,
Tasko was negligent?
What? Uh, Fred, can
we have another round?
You said he wasn't negligent.
Forget it.
I'm not drinkin' with a
man who has no integrity.
Me neither.
Let's drink to that.
Arthur, you lied to me.
You said we had no case.
You're protecting Tasko.
Ah, come on, Walter,
that's the way of the world.
You know, lawyers
stand up for lawyers,
senators protect senators,
doctors protect doctors.
Even wild animals
protect their own.
Otherwise, it'd be
a jungle out there.
Arthur, my wife
could've killed herself,
our vacation was ruined,
and I'm out 800 bucks.
Listen, Walter,
if I blow the whistle
on another doctor
he could blow the whistle on me.
I stand to lose referrals.
I stand to lose
grants, uh, research...
How would you
like to lose a friend?
Eight hundred bucks, Arthur.
All right, all right, all right.
I'll give you the $800 myself.
Thanks, Fred.
This damn thing doesn't write.
Where's my pen?
I don't want your lousy money.
You can't buy my friendship.
If I wanted to buy
your friendship,
I'd give ya a nickel.
I've just about had
it with you, Harmon!
Gentlemen, please...
Hey, Fred, I think he's
resorting to violence.
Come on, go ahead, hit me.
You really wanna fight?
I'd murder you. [CHUCKLES]
I'd cream you.
You couldn't lay a
finger on me, buster.
I think I'd better warn
you, I was the school bully.
Now, now...
Come on, guys. Now, you...
You really don't wanna fight.
Walter doesn't wanna fight.
Don't tempt me, Arthur.
Don't tempt me! Go ahead, swing.
Hey, fellas, fellas...
Stand back, Fred!
I don't want you to get hurt.
Come on, go ahead.
Come on, hit me.
Arthur, you're asking for it.
Oh!
[MOANING]
Now look what you did.
You put a dent in
my copper bracelet.
I'm sorry, buddy.
You broke the spell.
I could get arthritis
this very minute.
We could've killed each other.
We nearly did.
I never seen you so angry.
I never been so angry.
Hey, Walter...
Listen, if my testifying
is so important
it could destroy our
friendship... [CLAPS]
I will testify.
You really mean that, Arthur?
Sure.
You old son of a gun!
Oh, buddy boy. [LAUGHING]
Listen, I... I can't lie to you.
I was never the school bully.
I was the eraser monitor.
Walter, please.
Come on, Maude.
Arthur said he'd testify.
All right. All right.
I'll apologize, I'll apologize.
Arthur...
I can't. I cannot do it!
WALTER: Maude!
All right, all
right. I will. I will.
Arthur...
Arthur, if earlier this evening
I said anything that
might have offended you...
I've noticed you make
a habit of that, Maudie.
Let... Let me suggest
this for the future:
You can catch
more flies with honey
than you can with vinegar.
That's right, Maude.
A still tongue never
strangled its owner.
Would you hold those words?
I... I wanna get my sewing
basket and embroider them
on a whoopee cushion.
The apology is off! Maude...
I have never heard
such drivel in my life!
Honeyed tongues
and strangled flies?
[DOORBELL RINGS] What
kind of nonsense is this?
Doorbell!
It's probably Confucius
with a new shipment
of fortune cookies.
Good evening, I'm Dr. Tasko.
Dr. Harmon, doctor.
TASKO: Oh, yes, doctor.
Well, Mrs. Findlay, how
are you feeling, huh?
I have nothing to say to you.
I will see you in court.
Maude, let's find out
what the gentleman wants.
Well, thank you, doctor.
You're quite welcome, doctor.
Uh, Mrs. Findlay I
don't have much time.
I'm between parties,
and I just wanted to
come over and thank you.
Thank me?
Yes, for being a
remarkable woman.
You know, you taught
me a very valuable lesson.
Being busy is no excuse.
Well, I...
I know I had every
right to be upset.
I mean, particularly in
view of what happened at...
Between parties?
Yes, I thought I owed you that.
Well, that's terribly
sweet of you, doctor.
I mean, I know how
little free time you have.
Well, Mrs. Findlay, I
realized that I was wrong,
and I deeply regret it.
It takes a big man
to admit he's small.
Thank you, doctor.
Walter, imagine,
he is making a special,
after-hours house call
just to apologize.
What about my 800 bucks?
Walter, don't be crass when
a man is humbling himself,
[QUIETLY] particularly a doctor.
Doctor, I accept your apology,
and I trust that you
have learned something
from the experience.
I love your tux.
Thank you, and I'm
so glad you understand.
Well, I really must be going.
And once again, thank you, all.
I'll walk you to the door.
Thank you, doctor.
Goodbye, doctor.
Goodbye, 800 bucks.
Walter, how can you talk
to a man like that, a doctor?
I appreciate your
coming, doctor.
No problem, doctor.
I hated to take you
away from your party.
But I'm glad you came.
The Findlays are nice, you know,
but they're civilians.
They don't understand
the business of malpractice.
Look, I'm glad you called.
It's important.
See, they wouldn't
have gotten to first base
with a malpractice suit.
But you, doctor...
[CHUCKLING] Well...
Testifying, you could
have been in a lot of trouble.
You could have been
in a lot of trouble too.
Well, I guess that's what
fellow doctors are for.
[LAUGHING]
[SINGING IN ITALIAN]
[ITALIAN ACCENT] 'Scuse, please.
One-a spaghett for you.
One-a spaghett for me.
Oh, Walter, it's so romantic.
It's... It's just like
being in Rome.
Except, honey,
you forgot one thing
to make it really authentic.
That's-a for sure.
[SCREAMING] Ow!
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Hey, you guys, the
champagne's ready.
Oh, great, Carol.
Well, that's the
last of the bags.
We're all packed.
Boy, do I envy you and Mother
taking a second
honeymoon to Italy.
Bon voyage.
Yeah, it's gonna be sensational!
I haven't been in
Italy since the Army.
Boy, how times change.
Now it takes four suitcases
to have a good time in Italy.
During the war all you needed
was a pair of nylons
and a Hershey bar.
MAUDE: Walter! Carol!
Bon voyage, Mother.
Oh, you won't believe this.
Of all times for something
like this to happen.
CAROL: What?
I just broke out
in a terrible rash.
[MOANING]
Maude, Maude. You're kidding.
Does this look like I'm kidding?
Oh, it itches!
[MOANING]
I wonder what it is?
Well, from where I'm scratching,
we can rule out mumps.
Maude, we're not gonna
have to cancel our trip, are we?
Honey, no, don't worry.
We're going to be
on that plane tonight.
If I'm lucky, the person
sitting behind me
will have long legs
and pointed shoes.
[MOANING]
Hi, kids.
I brought you something
to read on the plane.
It's a new book
by Jackie Onassis:
How to Live in Rome
on $10,000 a Day.
[LAUGHS]
Just a little humor.
It's travel book on Italy.
Well, Walter, if you don't
wanna dance with her...
Better leave her alone.
She's got a rash
on her backside.
[MOANS]
Oh, that's better.
Oh, in my parade of pleasures,
scratching an itch
runs a close second.
What's first?
Later.
Well, it's a good
thing I'm here, Maude.
Let's go upstairs.
For what?
I wanna have a
look at your rash.
I just bet you do.
Maude, don't be foolish.
Let Arthur examine
you. He's a doctor.
Oh, come on. Walter,
I am not going to let
my husband's best
friend ogle my naked body.
But he's a doctor, Maude.
He ogles my naked body all
the time, and it's no big deal.
That's because your
naked body is no big deal.
And mine is different.
You'd know that if you'd
ever leave the lights on.
Walter, I need you!
My nurse gave her a
tetanus shot for the trip.
Sometimes those
things produce a reaction.
Oh, no, higher, Walter, higher.
But don't forget lower either.
Ugh, faster, faster, Walter.
I only got two hands, Maude.
I could use two more for
the territory I gotta cover.
God'll get me for that?
No, sweetheart,
he'll forgive you,
but I won't.
Oof!
Arthur, you'd
better do something.
They have a plane
to catch in three hours.
All right, Maudie,
if you won't let me examine
you I know of a dermatologist
down at the Clark Street
Medical Center, Dr. Tasko.
Is he any good, Arthur?
He must be. He drives
a Lincoln Continental.
Well, call him right away.
Tell him I'm on my way.
I'll drive you.
Honey, no, not with that foot.
The irony of it!
Here I am going to Italy
and the roundest part
of me looks like a pizza.
[RINGING] Dr. Tasko's office,
you'll have to hold on, please.
Dr. Tasko's office.
Yes. Yes. Hold on, please.
Oh, I'd love to get a
doctor in one of these.
Oh, no!
[GROANING]
Nurse! Nurse!
My rash is spreading, yes!
Now, look, I was out in that
waiting room for 35 minutes
I've been in this
cubicle for 20.
Now, where is the doctor?
Doctor's doing the best
he can, Mrs. Findlay.
He'll get around to you.
After all, doctor
is not a machine.
No, you're right,
doctor is not a machine.
Doctor is a pain where I itch.
Look, I came here seeking help.
Now, where is it?
Nurse Latch, would
you check the twitch in 2
and the swelling in 5, please?
Oh, yes, doctor.
And you, madam, are, uh...
Mrs. Findlay, and
I'm in a terrible,
terrible rush, doctor.
You see, we're... We're
going to, uh, Italy tonight.
Now, Dr. Harmon called you.
I broke out in an awful rash.
He thinks it might be a
reaction to a tetanus shot
that he gave me. [PHONE RINGS]
Would you excuse me?
Doctor, please! I've
been here... I've...
Yes?
Yes, Dr. Stog, what
can I do for you?
Dr. Harmon, Mrs. Findlay?
Yes. And he said that
he thought possibly...
No, I don't think it
was the antibiotics.
Miss Hayworth often
displays those symptoms.
Doctor!
Number 5, she's
swelling up like a balloon.
It is the chocolate pudding.
See? I better have a look.
Don't mention it, doctor.
Happy to have been
of service to you.
What's that? Why, yes.
Yes, I still have that apartment
building in New Rochelle.
Wonderful investment,
not one vacancy.
Doctor, how about me?
Sorry, no vacancy.
Yes. Well, goodbye, doctor.
Doctor, please,
I'm in an awful rush,
and it's so uncomfortable.
Here.
For a rash?
I'll be there as soon as
I can get away from 2.
Now, look, nurse, please,
I'm in a terrible hurry.
Please get...
City water'll drive 'em crazy.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Dr. Tasko?
Uh, yes, yes, this is Dr. Tasko.
No, I'm sorry, I can't help you.
I am leaving dermatology.
I'm going to become
a veterinarian.
Yeah, call me when
you get a horse.
Oh, let me see,
now, you're, uh...
Mrs. Findlay, doctor.
That's right.
Now, Mrs. Findlay,
let me explain this
whole thing to you.
Actually, there's nothing
to be alarmed about.
You see, Dr. Harmon
called me and told me
that you had a reaction
to a tetanus shot.
In layman's terms, Mrs.
Findlay, you have a rash.
A rash.
Now I know why you
drive a Lincoln Continental.
What's that?
Don't worry. I
anticipate no difficulty
in bringing this under
control. [PHONE RINGS]
Oh, would you excuse me?
No, doctor, please. Please!
Yes, but Mrs... Please!
A-all right. A-all
right, Mrs. Findlay.
Italy, huh?
Oh, wonderful country.
I hope you're going
to Rome. Yeah.
I know a wonderful
restaurant there...
American, right on the...
[PHONE RINGING]
I'll be right there!
Right on the Via Veneto.
Great steak. Please,
don't hang up!
Now, here, you take these
and everything is
gonna be just fine.
Yes... Oh, good,
please put him on.
Yes, doctor. Uh, how...
Mrs. Lucci's boils
are getting worse?
Oh, well, of course I'm
available for consultation.
Yes.
Yes, I certainly
appreciate your asking.
Doctor, I took the pills.
Tonight? What should I do?
I'm terribly sorry, doctor,
I cannot make it tonight.
No, you see, tonight I'm going
to the pharmaceutical
association banquet.
Oh, you too?
Well, good, good.
Yes, I'll see you there.
We can discuss
the boils over coffee.
Fine. Bye-bye now.
Now, then, Mrs. Findlay,
you take one of those
pills every six hours
and have a
wonderful trip to Italy.
Ciao.
I can't imagine
where she is, Arthur.
We're supposed to be at
the airport in 45 minutes.
Dr. Tasko's office said
she left half an hour ago.
She should've been here by now.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Finally.
That must be her.
Maude!
Walter?
Carol?
Don't panic, don't panic.
Everything is fine,
really, everything is fine.
Everything is fine.
Maude!
I know what you're
going through, pal.
I got a sister-in-law:
Take it easy. We'll sit down.
Sweetheart, darling,
what's wrong?
Oh, honey, nothing is wrong.
Mother!
Wait a minute, the taxi.
What happened to the car, Maude?
You didn't have another
accident, did you?
Oh, no, darling, I'm
just a little bit dizzy.
You know, it must
have been the pills.
Well, time to go to the airport.
What kind of pills?
I don't know.
The doctor gave
me some pills and I...
I took them on
the way out and...
A-and they worked.
You see, I feel...
I feel better.
Arthur, what's wrong with her?
She obviously has some
kind of an equilibrium problem.
I'll go and call Tasko.
Maude, what happened?
I don't know. I... I was
driving home and...
And I-I started
getting a little dizzy
so I tried to pull
over to the curb
but instead I... I swerved,
and I almost hit
a poor old lady.
Take my hand, Walter.
Luckily she was a
fast, poor old lady.
Maude, where's the car?
The car?
The car...
Oh, oh, no! The
car! The car is...
Is fine, Carol.
Yes, doctor.
Yes, I'm calling
about Mrs. Findlay.
Findlay.
What was it you
prescribed for her?
Chlorpheniramine maleate?
Yes, well, I... I
presume you, uh,
cautioned her as to
the possible side effects.
What do you mean, you must have?
Well, I'm a very
busy doctor too,
but I hardly think
that's an excuse.
No, I'm afraid I
don't know how it is!
What was that all about?
Maude has taken an
overdose of an antihistamine
that can cause dizziness,
loss of equilibrium,
and it may have given
her an inner ear problem.
She wasn't supposed to
take all the pills at once.
Well, the doctor didn't
tell me that, Arthur.
I think you better go
upstairs and have a nap.
Nap? Oh, no, I'm fine.
No, we are going
to Europe, Arthur.
Absolutely not.
In your condition,
flying could make
you violently ill.
Arthur, I want
to go on this trip.
I... I've been
planning on this trip.
I've never had a
second honeymoon.
I've had four first honeymoons.
But this is my first second.
No, I-I feel wonderful.
We're going to Rome, kids.
Maybe they could fly
the plane at an angle.
I'm sorry, Maude,
you can't go tonight.
Now, in a day or
two you'll feel better
and then you can go.
But, no, Arthur, we
can't go in a day or two.
It's a special charter
flight for Maytag dealers.
I'm not only gonna miss it,
I'm gonna be out 800 bucks.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Honey, we're both sorry.
But I'm also thirsty.
Excuse me. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
You're all so wonderful.
I don't know how I
came to deserve you.
I must really be something.
I feel like punching that
doctor right in the nose.
CAROL: Talk about negligence.
He was negligent,
wasn't he, Arthur?
ARTHUR: Well, it's certainly
unusual not to warn a patient
about medication.
Arthur.
Arthur, my mind is made up.
Your friend Tasko is
guilty of malpractice.
M-m-malpractice? Yes.
N-now, a punch in the
nose, Maudie, all right,
but malpractice?
Tomorrow morning,
Arthur, first thing,
we're going down to my
lawyer's, and we are going to sue.
You can't prove it. It's the
doctor's word against yours.
No, it is not. It's the doctor's
word against yours, Arthur.
Mine?
Yes. You're my witness.
You expect me, a doctor,
to testify in a malpractice suit
against another doctor?
You're gonna sue just
because of a little dizziness?
Yes. I'm going to sue just
because of a little dizziness.
You bet I'm going to sue
because of a little dizziness.
Arthur, we are going to sue.
My rash is back.
Oh, are we going to sue.
Easy, Mother. Easy, easy.
Honey, I'm all right. Carol.
Are you sure?
Sweetheart, let go of me.
I really am fine.
Oh.
Oh.
Thank heaven we
don't dine by candlelight.
Maude, I think
you better lie down.
No, no, it's more important
that we make our plans, Arthur.
Now, tomorrow
morning, first thing,
you and I are going
down to my lawyer's office.
Now, Maude, I am not
saying I'm going to testify,
but I'm not saying
I'm not gonna testify.
Then what are you saying?
I'm saying there are two
sides to every question.
And since there
are two questions...
Will I or won't I?
That makes four sides
we've gotta look at.
Arthur, Arthur, look.
A malpractice suit
will teach Dr. Tasko
that he has a
responsibility to his patients.
I don't care how busy he is.
I mean, after all I'm
not suing to be vindictive
or even for the money.
Well, Maude.
We just lost our 800 bucks.
I'm getting vindictive, and
we're suing for the money.
You're darn right we are.
You can't get your plane fare
back on these charter flights.
Walter, Maude, certainly
both of you must realize
that a malpractice
suit can ruin a doctor.
Arthur, my mother could have
been killed in that car today.
Yes, but she wasn't.
You mean I have to be
dead in order to sue a doctor?
You'd have a much better case.
Maude. If Arthur said
we don't have a case...
We do have a case, Walter!
Arthur, do you realize
what this trip means to us?
Do you know that
we've been planning on it
for over a year? Why...
Maude, where are you going?
To the desk.
The desk is this way.
I know that,
but I have to get
there this way.
Arthur, do you
know what this is?
Do you know what this is?
This, Arthur, is an
Italian language record
I have been studying every day.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Do you know what that means?
That means that my uncle
has a green pencil box.
It took me six
weeks to learn that.
Now, Maude, please, calm down.
You know perfectly well
that nothing is
more important to me
than the well-being
of this family
and serving its best interests.
Then you mean you will testify?
No, it's not in
your best interests.
Now I know why the snake
is on the medical symbol.
Arthur, get out of my house!
Maude, please, don't
talk to Arthur that way.
If he really thought
that Tasko was guilty
he would testify.
Arthur wouldn't
testify to the sun rising
if it involved another doctor.
He's lying through his teeth.
Oh, come on, Carol.
Now, don't say that.
Why not? It's true, isn't it?
Yes, but I want to say it.
Walter, he's lying
through his teeth.
Get out of my house, Arthur!
All right, I'm going.
Wait a minute, Arthur.
Maude, if Arthur goes
under these conditions
then I go with him.
Then go, Walter, go.
Go on, Walter!
But, Walter... What?
Remember one thing:
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
What's that mean?
That's Italian for this:
Darn it, I hate to see you
and Maude fightin' like that.
Especially over me.
Maude just doesn't
understand you, Arthur.
Well, she doesn't understand
about malpractice either.
You know, somebody has
an accident on the street, see,
and a doctor comes along
and he wants to help, you know.
And somethin' goes wrong.
Has nothin' to
do with the doctor,
they can sue the
pants off of him.
Yeah? Sure.
That's why there's no...
In the theater, you know?
And somebody hollers,
"Is there a doctor
in the house?"
Nobody ever answers.
Come on, Arthur. It's true.
I've been there, sittin'
right next to a doctor.
He didn't open his mouth.
Any nut can sue for
malpractice, you know.
Take poor Tasko, he
wasn't all that negligent.
Wait a minute, Arthur,
Tasko was negligent?
What? Uh, Fred, can
we have another round?
You said he wasn't negligent.
Forget it.
I'm not drinkin' with a
man who has no integrity.
Me neither.
Let's drink to that.
Arthur, you lied to me.
You said we had no case.
You're protecting Tasko.
Ah, come on, Walter,
that's the way of the world.
You know, lawyers
stand up for lawyers,
senators protect senators,
doctors protect doctors.
Even wild animals
protect their own.
Otherwise, it'd be
a jungle out there.
Arthur, my wife
could've killed herself,
our vacation was ruined,
and I'm out 800 bucks.
Listen, Walter,
if I blow the whistle
on another doctor
he could blow the whistle on me.
I stand to lose referrals.
I stand to lose
grants, uh, research...
How would you
like to lose a friend?
Eight hundred bucks, Arthur.
All right, all right, all right.
I'll give you the $800 myself.
Thanks, Fred.
This damn thing doesn't write.
Where's my pen?
I don't want your lousy money.
You can't buy my friendship.
If I wanted to buy
your friendship,
I'd give ya a nickel.
I've just about had
it with you, Harmon!
Gentlemen, please...
Hey, Fred, I think he's
resorting to violence.
Come on, go ahead, hit me.
You really wanna fight?
I'd murder you. [CHUCKLES]
I'd cream you.
You couldn't lay a
finger on me, buster.
I think I'd better warn
you, I was the school bully.
Now, now...
Come on, guys. Now, you...
You really don't wanna fight.
Walter doesn't wanna fight.
Don't tempt me, Arthur.
Don't tempt me! Go ahead, swing.
Hey, fellas, fellas...
Stand back, Fred!
I don't want you to get hurt.
Come on, go ahead.
Come on, hit me.
Arthur, you're asking for it.
Oh!
[MOANING]
Now look what you did.
You put a dent in
my copper bracelet.
I'm sorry, buddy.
You broke the spell.
I could get arthritis
this very minute.
We could've killed each other.
We nearly did.
I never seen you so angry.
I never been so angry.
Hey, Walter...
Listen, if my testifying
is so important
it could destroy our
friendship... [CLAPS]
I will testify.
You really mean that, Arthur?
Sure.
You old son of a gun!
Oh, buddy boy. [LAUGHING]
Listen, I... I can't lie to you.
I was never the school bully.
I was the eraser monitor.
Walter, please.
Come on, Maude.
Arthur said he'd testify.
All right. All right.
I'll apologize, I'll apologize.
Arthur...
I can't. I cannot do it!
WALTER: Maude!
All right, all
right. I will. I will.
Arthur...
Arthur, if earlier this evening
I said anything that
might have offended you...
I've noticed you make
a habit of that, Maudie.
Let... Let me suggest
this for the future:
You can catch
more flies with honey
than you can with vinegar.
That's right, Maude.
A still tongue never
strangled its owner.
Would you hold those words?
I... I wanna get my sewing
basket and embroider them
on a whoopee cushion.
The apology is off! Maude...
I have never heard
such drivel in my life!
Honeyed tongues
and strangled flies?
[DOORBELL RINGS] What
kind of nonsense is this?
Doorbell!
It's probably Confucius
with a new shipment
of fortune cookies.
Good evening, I'm Dr. Tasko.
Dr. Harmon, doctor.
TASKO: Oh, yes, doctor.
Well, Mrs. Findlay, how
are you feeling, huh?
I have nothing to say to you.
I will see you in court.
Maude, let's find out
what the gentleman wants.
Well, thank you, doctor.
You're quite welcome, doctor.
Uh, Mrs. Findlay I
don't have much time.
I'm between parties,
and I just wanted to
come over and thank you.
Thank me?
Yes, for being a
remarkable woman.
You know, you taught
me a very valuable lesson.
Being busy is no excuse.
Well, I...
I know I had every
right to be upset.
I mean, particularly in
view of what happened at...
Between parties?
Yes, I thought I owed you that.
Well, that's terribly
sweet of you, doctor.
I mean, I know how
little free time you have.
Well, Mrs. Findlay, I
realized that I was wrong,
and I deeply regret it.
It takes a big man
to admit he's small.
Thank you, doctor.
Walter, imagine,
he is making a special,
after-hours house call
just to apologize.
What about my 800 bucks?
Walter, don't be crass when
a man is humbling himself,
[QUIETLY] particularly a doctor.
Doctor, I accept your apology,
and I trust that you
have learned something
from the experience.
I love your tux.
Thank you, and I'm
so glad you understand.
Well, I really must be going.
And once again, thank you, all.
I'll walk you to the door.
Thank you, doctor.
Goodbye, doctor.
Goodbye, 800 bucks.
Walter, how can you talk
to a man like that, a doctor?
I appreciate your
coming, doctor.
No problem, doctor.
I hated to take you
away from your party.
But I'm glad you came.
The Findlays are nice, you know,
but they're civilians.
They don't understand
the business of malpractice.
Look, I'm glad you called.
It's important.
See, they wouldn't
have gotten to first base
with a malpractice suit.
But you, doctor...
[CHUCKLING] Well...
Testifying, you could
have been in a lot of trouble.
You could have been
in a lot of trouble too.
Well, I guess that's what
fellow doctors are for.
[LAUGHING]
[SINGING IN ITALIAN]
[ITALIAN ACCENT] 'Scuse, please.
One-a spaghett for you.
One-a spaghett for me.
Oh, Walter, it's so romantic.
It's... It's just like
being in Rome.
Except, honey,
you forgot one thing
to make it really authentic.
That's-a for sure.
[SCREAMING] Ow!
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪