Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 15 - Walter's 50th Birthday - full transcript
Maude throws a party for Walter's 50th birthday. As expected, he is not happy about turning 50, thinking he has not achieved anything.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[HUMMING]
♪ Darkies all work
On the Mississippi ♪
♪ Colored people work
While the white folks play ♪
Florida.
Florida, I can't... I
can't believe my ears.
Did you hear what you just said?
You just sang:
"Darkies all work
on the Mississippi."
So? Those are the words.
They are not the words.
We have new words now.
Oh, yeah?
♪ Colored folks Work
on the Mississippi ♪
Florida, we do not say darkies,
we do not say colored folks.
Everything has
changed. Now we say:
♪ Here we all work
On the Mississippi ♪
♪ Here we all work While
the straw boss plays ♪
Everything has changed.
Yeah, except for one thing:
Y'all still playing
and we still working.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Look, Florida, nothing racial.
Would you mind
getting the telephone?
Mother, what about that
banner? It's not hanging straight.
Yeah, it does sag
a little in the middle.
But then again, so does
Walter. It's good enough.
Listen, what happened
to all the silver?
You used to have a ton of it.
Sweetie, don't you remember?
When I divorced Albert,
he got it in the
property settlement.
What did Albert
want with the silver?
What did I want with
all those power tools?
Oh, spite can be a
terrible thing, Carol.
Mother, do you
really expect people
to wear these silly
things? [RATTLING]
Well, of course.
Honey, Walter'll love it.
He'll think it's his
10th birthday party
instead of his 50th.
Anything to get him out of
that blue funk he's been in.
Oh, sweetheart, Walter's
only going through
what every man goes
through when he reaches 50.
That sudden,
horrible realization
that all those young girls
hanging around the schoolyard
are teachers.
That was Mr. Crowley's
office calling from Peoria.
Yeah? His plane got off on time
and he's landing at
La Guardia at 5:30.
That's wonderful!
Oh! What a surprise
this is going to be, Florida.
Floyd Crowley. You
know, he and Mr. Findlay
were boyhood
chums back in Peoria.
They haven't seen each
other in over 30 years.
Oh, I must say,
that to pull off a
surprise like this
a wife really has to be tiptop.
Mrs. Findlay,
any woman with four
marriages ain't just tiptop,
she's made All-Pro.
[LAUGHING]
Anyway, it is the
best birthday present
I could've gotten for Walter.
Look what I got.
I had this blown up
from an old snapshot.
The two of them,
age 11, in Peoria.
Walter'll die when he sees it.
Which one is Mr. Findlay?
This one. The one
with the runny nose.
Oh.
To think I always wanted
to have a little boy like that.
And now I have one.
And he's 50 years old.
MEN: ♪ Happy 50th
birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy 50th birthday to you ♪
Okay, come on, Arthur.
Now knock it off, will ya?
[LAUGHS]
Now, Sam, get me a drink
and make it
something appropriate,
like a shot of Old Granddad.
Walter, it's only a birthday.
Only a birthday, huh?
Take a look at this.
I got this birthday card
in the mail this morning
from my oldest
friend, Floyd Crowley.
We've known each
other since we were 8.
That's years 42,
Arthur. Forty-two years.
How could I know
anybody 42 years?
My father knows people 42 years.
Arthur, I think I've
turned into my father.
Walter... You're right.
I mustn't be morbid.
I mustn't be morbid.
Did I show you the old,
dead skin on my knuckles?
See how it stands
up when I pull it?
It used to snap
right back, Arthur.
There's no snap in it now.
Walter, old pal, listen...
I've also been thinking
about all the important things
I swore I'd accomplish
when I was in my 20s and 30s.
This morning I
made a list of them.
Arthur...
did you ever make
love to a movie star?
No.
Not actually.
Did you, Walter?
No. Just another dream
that went up in smoke.
Like my plans to live
in Paris for two years
and my glider pilot lessons.
Ah, thanks, Sam. Listen old
pal, you gotta snap out of this.
You're carrying on
as if you were ancient.
Actually, you're
still a young man.
I am, huh? Certainly.
Except for your knuckles.
Walter, you're in
the prime of life.
Not young enough to beat
that lousy bum Tommy Hollander
on Saturday.
Tommy Hollander?
Yeah, we're both
in a tournament,
and I gotta beat that
miserable cheater
if it's the last thing I do.
You can't play Tommy Hollander.
What do ya mean I
can't play Tommy?
He died, Walter.
Keeled over yesterday,
just like that on the
14th hole. [SNAPS]
That poor, sweet guy.
Poor old Tommy.
Yeah, poor old Tommy.
Would've been 48 next month.
Two years younger than you.
What was it, Arthur,
a heart attack?
Yeah, a beaut. Never
knew what hit him.
I didn't know he
had heart trouble.
He didn't. Until yesterday
on the 14th green.
Right after his chip shot.
The other day he
was sitting right here,
and he told me he had a
complete physical checkup.
EKG, chest x-ray,
stomach x-ray, the
whole ball of wax.
Got a clean bill of health.
Que será será.
And you said 50
is the prime of life.
It is. If ya reach it.
You know, someone once said:
"A man is not old if he is
still seeking something."
Now, there must be
something you're still seeking.
Not anymore, Arthur.
I'll never be a
glider pilot now.
And I'll never be half of
a vaudeville team, either.
Were you going into vaudeville?
Oh, wait a minute. Me
and my childhood pal,
Floyd Crowley, we
put this act together
when we were 12 years old.
You should have seen it, Arthur.
We sang and had
movements for every word.
♪ There's an old
Spinning wheel ♪
♪ In the parlor ♪
♪ Spinning dreams
Of long, long ago. ♪
That's lovely, Walter.
I'll see ya at the
party... [KNOCKS]
God willing.
♪ Spinning dreams Of
an old-fashioned garden ♪
♪ And a maid ♪
♪ With and old-fashioned ball ♪
Oh, you look beautiful.
I do, don't I?
Oh, Carol.
Oh, this is gonna be the most
wonderful birthday party ever.
Mrs. Findlay, before I forget,
here's a little something
to put with the other
gifts for Mr. Findlay.
Oh, Florida, how terribly sweet.
No, I cannot tell you how
touched and gratified I am
that you feel comfortable
enough with us
to want to exchange gifts.
I mean, what with all
the bitterness and strife
between the races today.
Mrs. Findlay, please,
don't make me regret
my generous impulse.
That was shaping up to be
one of my better statements
on world brotherhood too.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That must be Floyd
Crowley from Peoria,
but Walter isn't even here yet.
Wait a minute. Go
back, finish the canapés.
Carol, better go up and change.
[DOORBELL RINGS] I'm coming.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Walter.
God willing.
Why didn't you use your key?
Because I felt like
ringing our doorbell.
I never rang our doorbell.
Now I have and it's over.
Forget the doorbell.
Sweetheart, it's your birthday.
You can ring my bell.
Please.
Walter, is there
something wrong?
No. It's just that I have
this tight feeling in my chest.
Now, look, darling,
you are not going to
have gas for your birthday.
And not with 18 guests coming.
Maude, I'm 50 years
old, half a century.
Oh, I know, darling.
I know exactly how you feel.
Come, sit with Mommy a moment.
Now, sweetheart,
I want you to remember
that you're not alone.
Do you remember what
Robert Browning wrote?
Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be
Now, what does that
mean to you, sweetheart?
Did I show you the
skin on my knuckles?
See how it doesn't snap back?
Look at this, Maude.
Look at this chicken neck.
Here I am trying desperately
to bring you out of
your despondency
with love and
affection and kindness
and what do I get for it?
A chicken neck.
Now, listen to
me, Walter Findlay.
I am not going to let you
wallow in your own self-pity.
Please, Maude, let me wallow.
Walter, you have to get used
to the idea of being 50 years old.
I've had it up to
here with your...
With your morbidness.
But I haven't.
I used to listen to you when
you started with your hot flashes.
Well, I have another hot
flash for you right now.
Happy birthday, Walter.
Carol! Florida!
Birthday boy's here.
I'm not gonna wear this hat.
You're going to wear it.
Feel like a damn fool.
Wonderful.
You're beginning to feel
like your old self again.
What's happening,
Mother? Mrs. Findlay?
Mother, did Walter's
surprise arrive?
Surprise? What surprise?
[SIGHS]
Well, Walter, it is
something very special.
It is something
that is going to just
lift you right up
out of that cellar.
Isn't it, girls? Yes. Yes.
What is it? I can't...
[DOORBELL RINGS] Ooh!
That's probably it now. What?
It is, girls. Let's
leave them alone.
Walter, you answer
the door yourself.
It... It's your surprise.
Just yell... Yell, come in.
Darling, it's my
birthday present to you.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Come in.
Oh. Oh, excuse me.
I was looking for Walter...
Walter?
Walter Findlay?
Floyd?
Floyd Crowley?
♪ There's an old
Spinning wheel ♪
♪ In the parlor ♪
Floyd!
Walter!
Floyd!
Floyd Crowley!
I don't believe it!
Oh, Walter Findlay,
you old son of a gun!
Dang it, Floyd, am
I glad to see you!
I tell ya, I'm so
excited, I could die!
Well, actually, my husband
hadn't seen Floyd Crowley
in well over 30 years.
No, so they weren't
really that close.
But I'm sure he was
a lovely individual.
Hi. Oh, hi, darling.
I'm on the phone to Peoria.
You were saying, Mr. Sheridan?
Yes, yes, we were aware
that Floyd had no family.
Yeah... No, I
think it's just lovely
of your local VFW to take care
of the funeral arrangements.
Uh... Oh, by the way,
did Floyd arrive at
the airport all right?
Oh, that's too bad.
What happened?
No, Floyd arrived, but
his luggage was lost.
Well, the important thing
is that Floyd arrived
safe and sound.
Nice talking to
you, Mr. Sheridan.
Bye-bye.
Oh, Carol, how we ever
managed to live through
these past three
days, I will never know.
How's Walter? Did he go to work?
Work? He won't
even phone the store.
Three days now, he's
been sitting up there
staring at the walls,
muttering things like,
"The moving finger writes."
[SIGHS]
Carol, I feel so
guilty. It's all my fault.
Mother, you can't
blame yourself.
What you tried to do was lovely.
Look, you brought Floyd Crowley
up here to cheer Walter up.
Something tells
me it didn't work.
Oh, if there were only
something we could do.
The man is drowning
in self-pity, Carol.
I mean there must be so...
Mother, don't look now
but I think that's Walter
coming down the stairs.
Is it Walter or the
Ghost of Christmas Past?
Oh, Walter.
Walter, I'm so glad
you're feeling better.
Darling, I can't tell
you how nice it is
to see you downstairs again.
Phillip.
What about Phillip, dear?
Phillip. He's outside.
You want to talk to Phillip?
I don't understand. Phillip!
Walter, you haven't spoken
to me for over 24 hours...
Phillip!
We only pass this way once.
So before I go,
there's one great truth
I'd like to teach you.
Now, where were you
at 6:00 this morning?
In the bathroom.
Good.
The house is very
quiet at 6 a.m., Phillip,
and the walls are very thin.
That means, Phillip,
if you don't wanna
wake up a tired old man
try for the side of the
bowl, not the water.
Now, Phillip, repeat after me:
When water falls on water
it makes a sound
that all can hear.
"When water falls on water
it makes a sound
that all can hear."
But when it's
sprayed on porcelain
it falls silent to the ear.
You understand?
"When it's sprayed
on porcelain..."
That's very good, very good.
Now run along and play.
And Phillip,
run around the bases
once for your old grandpa.
Okay, Gramps.
Walter, what did
you say to the boy?
Man talk. You
wouldn't understand.
Walter, we are going to
have this out right now.
Carol, do you mind?
No, of course not.
Walter, if there's
anything I can do...
Just don't waste
your life, Carol.
Carol, while there's still time,
go out there and run around
the bases once for Walter.
[SIGHS]
Okay, Walter... talk to me.
♪ There's an old
Spinning wheel ♪
Walter, cut that out!
Now, look, I feel just as
bad about Floyd as you do,
but darling, what
happened to Floyd
is as much a part
of life as living.
You have to expect these
things as you grow older.
Walter, I've had it. I
can't take it anymore.
You're not the only man
on earth who's growing older.
Oh, yeah, and how
about this chicken neck?
Walter, please, stop
torturing yourself.
Listen, darling, I have
seen pictures of you
when you were 20
and 30 years old.
Walter, you are better-looking
now than you were then.
Now, what do you
think about that?
Maude, middle-aged
people always look better
to other middle-aged people.
That's all that keeps
us from killing ourselves.
Walter, what are
you talking about?
Darling, you are better-looking
now than you were.
I swear it.
And so am I, Walter.
I said, And so am I, Walter.
God'll get ya for this, Walter.
Hi, Maudie. Hi, Walter.
How's Laughing Boy?
I'm so glad you're here, Arthur.
Walter, look,
if you won't talk to
me, talk to Arthur.
He's your closest friend.
Talk to him, darling.
Tell him what's gnawing at
you, what's eating you up alive.
Arthur, you said
that a man is not old
as long as he is
seeking something.
Yeah.
I don't know what I'm seeking.
I don't know if there's
anything left to seek.
It's too late to
be a glider pilot.
Walter, where are you going?
I'm going upstairs to pack.
I gotta be by myself.
Arthur... Arthur, help me.
Well, Maude, you know what's
bothering Walter, don't you?
For the first time, he's
facing his own mortality.
He's afraid, Maude.
And the only thing that'll
counteract the fear of death
is life.
And how do we do that?
With love.
Oh, come on, Arthur,
he already has that.
He knows I love him.
Of course he does.
I'm not just talking about your
spiritual love, though, Maude.
I'm talking about your, uh...
physical relationship.
Oh, that.
Oh, Arthur, the
things I could tell you
if you were a woman doctor.
From another town.
I'm only trying to help, Maude.
Oh, Arthur. Arthur,
let me put it this way:
For the past two weeks,
if Walt Disney had a
camera at the foot of our bed,
there is no scene that
couldn't be shown uncut
in front of the mouseketeers.
I understand, Maude.
But, you know, I've been
reading up on sex research,
Masters and Johnson,
and you know,
they put a great
deal of emphasis
on the simple act of touching.
Touching?
Yes, not in the
erotic sense, Maude.
I mean hugging, caressing,
using physical gentleness
to break through the
defenses of a withdrawn person.
Touching... I'll try it, Arthur.
I mean, I-I'll try anything.
It could work.
Thank you, Arthur.
Don't quote me on this but...
sometimes you're
a real sweet guy.
[LAUGHING]
You see, you see,
you're touching me.
You broke through my defenses.
By golly, it works!
[LAUGHING]
I'm going to see Walter now.
Walter...
I want to touch you.
Maude, I'm trying to
pack. Where are my socks?
Walter, come on. This is me.
I only want to touch you.
The last thing in the world...
The last thing I
want is to be touched.
I don't want my skin touched.
Then let me touch your teeth.
I don't want the tip of your
finger on any part of my person.
I don't want to be touched
here or here or here...
Maude!
And especially not there.
Can't you get it
through your head?
I don't want to be
touched. I wanna be alone.
You wanna be alone?
Is that what you want, Walter?
You wanna be alone?
All right, then be alone!
Because I want to be alone too!
Where are you
going? How do I know?
I'm not there yet.
But I am going
someplace, Walter,
and I am going to have fun!
All right, go ahead.
Go ahead. See if I care.
Of course you don't care.
You don't care about me.
All you care about is you!
Maude, I am 50 years old...
And boring, Walter!
But let me tell you
something, buddy boy.
You are not 50.
You are 50 and three days.
Three days closer to the
Grim Reaper, old buddy.
♪ There's an old spinning
wheel In the parlor ♪
All right, make fun.
Make fun! Go ahead, see if...
What are you packing
that negligee for?
Might be cold where I'm going.
Come on, Maude!
I just bought that for... You
know, for special occasions.
One never knows when she's
going to run into a special occasion.
Now, wait a minute...
No, you wait a minute!
I am very sorry, Walter Findlay,
that you had to find
out on your 50th birthday
that you are a mere mortal.
But it is not the
end of the world.
Now take my suitcase downstairs.
I never said it was
the end of the world.
I said I have to think about
the few remaining
years I have left.
Then, by all means,
think about them, Walter.
Think about them,
wallow in them,
do everything but live them.
Now take my suitcase downstairs.
You want your
suitcase downstairs?
You want your
suitcase downstairs?!
[GLASS SHATTERING]
There, it's downstairs.
Thank you, Walter.
One good turn deserves another!
[GLASS SHATTERING]
And you forgot to
pack your watch!
Not my watch!
[SIGHS]
If I live to be a thousand
I'll never understand you.
Do you want to
understand me, Walter?
Sure.
I'd like to even
understand myself.
But, darling, you
said it yourself:
A man is not old as long as
he's still seeking something.
Walter, if we both
live to be a thousand,
I'd still want to know
more about you.
The same for me, Maude.
Then there is
something left to seek,
isn't there?
Oh.
And, Walter, we're touching.
A whole lot, we're touching.
[LAUGHING]
What are you laughing about?
I don't know what
made me think of it
but I just thought
of this old riddle
Floyd and I used to do.
A riddle?
Yeah.
What has one eye... Yeah.
Sticks out its tongue... Yeah.
And loves to make love?
I know the answer.
Happy birthday, Walter.
[SIGHS]
Walter, just think,
you're 50 and I'm 47.
Do you know what that means?
Do you know what
that means, Walter?
In three years, you'll be 53,
and I'll be 44.
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[HUMMING]
♪ Darkies all work
On the Mississippi ♪
♪ Colored people work
While the white folks play ♪
Florida.
Florida, I can't... I
can't believe my ears.
Did you hear what you just said?
You just sang:
"Darkies all work
on the Mississippi."
So? Those are the words.
They are not the words.
We have new words now.
Oh, yeah?
♪ Colored folks Work
on the Mississippi ♪
Florida, we do not say darkies,
we do not say colored folks.
Everything has
changed. Now we say:
♪ Here we all work
On the Mississippi ♪
♪ Here we all work While
the straw boss plays ♪
Everything has changed.
Yeah, except for one thing:
Y'all still playing
and we still working.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Look, Florida, nothing racial.
Would you mind
getting the telephone?
Mother, what about that
banner? It's not hanging straight.
Yeah, it does sag
a little in the middle.
But then again, so does
Walter. It's good enough.
Listen, what happened
to all the silver?
You used to have a ton of it.
Sweetie, don't you remember?
When I divorced Albert,
he got it in the
property settlement.
What did Albert
want with the silver?
What did I want with
all those power tools?
Oh, spite can be a
terrible thing, Carol.
Mother, do you
really expect people
to wear these silly
things? [RATTLING]
Well, of course.
Honey, Walter'll love it.
He'll think it's his
10th birthday party
instead of his 50th.
Anything to get him out of
that blue funk he's been in.
Oh, sweetheart, Walter's
only going through
what every man goes
through when he reaches 50.
That sudden,
horrible realization
that all those young girls
hanging around the schoolyard
are teachers.
That was Mr. Crowley's
office calling from Peoria.
Yeah? His plane got off on time
and he's landing at
La Guardia at 5:30.
That's wonderful!
Oh! What a surprise
this is going to be, Florida.
Floyd Crowley. You
know, he and Mr. Findlay
were boyhood
chums back in Peoria.
They haven't seen each
other in over 30 years.
Oh, I must say,
that to pull off a
surprise like this
a wife really has to be tiptop.
Mrs. Findlay,
any woman with four
marriages ain't just tiptop,
she's made All-Pro.
[LAUGHING]
Anyway, it is the
best birthday present
I could've gotten for Walter.
Look what I got.
I had this blown up
from an old snapshot.
The two of them,
age 11, in Peoria.
Walter'll die when he sees it.
Which one is Mr. Findlay?
This one. The one
with the runny nose.
Oh.
To think I always wanted
to have a little boy like that.
And now I have one.
And he's 50 years old.
MEN: ♪ Happy 50th
birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy 50th birthday to you ♪
Okay, come on, Arthur.
Now knock it off, will ya?
[LAUGHS]
Now, Sam, get me a drink
and make it
something appropriate,
like a shot of Old Granddad.
Walter, it's only a birthday.
Only a birthday, huh?
Take a look at this.
I got this birthday card
in the mail this morning
from my oldest
friend, Floyd Crowley.
We've known each
other since we were 8.
That's years 42,
Arthur. Forty-two years.
How could I know
anybody 42 years?
My father knows people 42 years.
Arthur, I think I've
turned into my father.
Walter... You're right.
I mustn't be morbid.
I mustn't be morbid.
Did I show you the old,
dead skin on my knuckles?
See how it stands
up when I pull it?
It used to snap
right back, Arthur.
There's no snap in it now.
Walter, old pal, listen...
I've also been thinking
about all the important things
I swore I'd accomplish
when I was in my 20s and 30s.
This morning I
made a list of them.
Arthur...
did you ever make
love to a movie star?
No.
Not actually.
Did you, Walter?
No. Just another dream
that went up in smoke.
Like my plans to live
in Paris for two years
and my glider pilot lessons.
Ah, thanks, Sam. Listen old
pal, you gotta snap out of this.
You're carrying on
as if you were ancient.
Actually, you're
still a young man.
I am, huh? Certainly.
Except for your knuckles.
Walter, you're in
the prime of life.
Not young enough to beat
that lousy bum Tommy Hollander
on Saturday.
Tommy Hollander?
Yeah, we're both
in a tournament,
and I gotta beat that
miserable cheater
if it's the last thing I do.
You can't play Tommy Hollander.
What do ya mean I
can't play Tommy?
He died, Walter.
Keeled over yesterday,
just like that on the
14th hole. [SNAPS]
That poor, sweet guy.
Poor old Tommy.
Yeah, poor old Tommy.
Would've been 48 next month.
Two years younger than you.
What was it, Arthur,
a heart attack?
Yeah, a beaut. Never
knew what hit him.
I didn't know he
had heart trouble.
He didn't. Until yesterday
on the 14th green.
Right after his chip shot.
The other day he
was sitting right here,
and he told me he had a
complete physical checkup.
EKG, chest x-ray,
stomach x-ray, the
whole ball of wax.
Got a clean bill of health.
Que será será.
And you said 50
is the prime of life.
It is. If ya reach it.
You know, someone once said:
"A man is not old if he is
still seeking something."
Now, there must be
something you're still seeking.
Not anymore, Arthur.
I'll never be a
glider pilot now.
And I'll never be half of
a vaudeville team, either.
Were you going into vaudeville?
Oh, wait a minute. Me
and my childhood pal,
Floyd Crowley, we
put this act together
when we were 12 years old.
You should have seen it, Arthur.
We sang and had
movements for every word.
♪ There's an old
Spinning wheel ♪
♪ In the parlor ♪
♪ Spinning dreams
Of long, long ago. ♪
That's lovely, Walter.
I'll see ya at the
party... [KNOCKS]
God willing.
♪ Spinning dreams Of
an old-fashioned garden ♪
♪ And a maid ♪
♪ With and old-fashioned ball ♪
Oh, you look beautiful.
I do, don't I?
Oh, Carol.
Oh, this is gonna be the most
wonderful birthday party ever.
Mrs. Findlay, before I forget,
here's a little something
to put with the other
gifts for Mr. Findlay.
Oh, Florida, how terribly sweet.
No, I cannot tell you how
touched and gratified I am
that you feel comfortable
enough with us
to want to exchange gifts.
I mean, what with all
the bitterness and strife
between the races today.
Mrs. Findlay, please,
don't make me regret
my generous impulse.
That was shaping up to be
one of my better statements
on world brotherhood too.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That must be Floyd
Crowley from Peoria,
but Walter isn't even here yet.
Wait a minute. Go
back, finish the canapés.
Carol, better go up and change.
[DOORBELL RINGS] I'm coming.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Walter.
God willing.
Why didn't you use your key?
Because I felt like
ringing our doorbell.
I never rang our doorbell.
Now I have and it's over.
Forget the doorbell.
Sweetheart, it's your birthday.
You can ring my bell.
Please.
Walter, is there
something wrong?
No. It's just that I have
this tight feeling in my chest.
Now, look, darling,
you are not going to
have gas for your birthday.
And not with 18 guests coming.
Maude, I'm 50 years
old, half a century.
Oh, I know, darling.
I know exactly how you feel.
Come, sit with Mommy a moment.
Now, sweetheart,
I want you to remember
that you're not alone.
Do you remember what
Robert Browning wrote?
Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be
Now, what does that
mean to you, sweetheart?
Did I show you the
skin on my knuckles?
See how it doesn't snap back?
Look at this, Maude.
Look at this chicken neck.
Here I am trying desperately
to bring you out of
your despondency
with love and
affection and kindness
and what do I get for it?
A chicken neck.
Now, listen to
me, Walter Findlay.
I am not going to let you
wallow in your own self-pity.
Please, Maude, let me wallow.
Walter, you have to get used
to the idea of being 50 years old.
I've had it up to
here with your...
With your morbidness.
But I haven't.
I used to listen to you when
you started with your hot flashes.
Well, I have another hot
flash for you right now.
Happy birthday, Walter.
Carol! Florida!
Birthday boy's here.
I'm not gonna wear this hat.
You're going to wear it.
Feel like a damn fool.
Wonderful.
You're beginning to feel
like your old self again.
What's happening,
Mother? Mrs. Findlay?
Mother, did Walter's
surprise arrive?
Surprise? What surprise?
[SIGHS]
Well, Walter, it is
something very special.
It is something
that is going to just
lift you right up
out of that cellar.
Isn't it, girls? Yes. Yes.
What is it? I can't...
[DOORBELL RINGS] Ooh!
That's probably it now. What?
It is, girls. Let's
leave them alone.
Walter, you answer
the door yourself.
It... It's your surprise.
Just yell... Yell, come in.
Darling, it's my
birthday present to you.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Come in.
Oh. Oh, excuse me.
I was looking for Walter...
Walter?
Walter Findlay?
Floyd?
Floyd Crowley?
♪ There's an old
Spinning wheel ♪
♪ In the parlor ♪
Floyd!
Walter!
Floyd!
Floyd Crowley!
I don't believe it!
Oh, Walter Findlay,
you old son of a gun!
Dang it, Floyd, am
I glad to see you!
I tell ya, I'm so
excited, I could die!
Well, actually, my husband
hadn't seen Floyd Crowley
in well over 30 years.
No, so they weren't
really that close.
But I'm sure he was
a lovely individual.
Hi. Oh, hi, darling.
I'm on the phone to Peoria.
You were saying, Mr. Sheridan?
Yes, yes, we were aware
that Floyd had no family.
Yeah... No, I
think it's just lovely
of your local VFW to take care
of the funeral arrangements.
Uh... Oh, by the way,
did Floyd arrive at
the airport all right?
Oh, that's too bad.
What happened?
No, Floyd arrived, but
his luggage was lost.
Well, the important thing
is that Floyd arrived
safe and sound.
Nice talking to
you, Mr. Sheridan.
Bye-bye.
Oh, Carol, how we ever
managed to live through
these past three
days, I will never know.
How's Walter? Did he go to work?
Work? He won't
even phone the store.
Three days now, he's
been sitting up there
staring at the walls,
muttering things like,
"The moving finger writes."
[SIGHS]
Carol, I feel so
guilty. It's all my fault.
Mother, you can't
blame yourself.
What you tried to do was lovely.
Look, you brought Floyd Crowley
up here to cheer Walter up.
Something tells
me it didn't work.
Oh, if there were only
something we could do.
The man is drowning
in self-pity, Carol.
I mean there must be so...
Mother, don't look now
but I think that's Walter
coming down the stairs.
Is it Walter or the
Ghost of Christmas Past?
Oh, Walter.
Walter, I'm so glad
you're feeling better.
Darling, I can't tell
you how nice it is
to see you downstairs again.
Phillip.
What about Phillip, dear?
Phillip. He's outside.
You want to talk to Phillip?
I don't understand. Phillip!
Walter, you haven't spoken
to me for over 24 hours...
Phillip!
We only pass this way once.
So before I go,
there's one great truth
I'd like to teach you.
Now, where were you
at 6:00 this morning?
In the bathroom.
Good.
The house is very
quiet at 6 a.m., Phillip,
and the walls are very thin.
That means, Phillip,
if you don't wanna
wake up a tired old man
try for the side of the
bowl, not the water.
Now, Phillip, repeat after me:
When water falls on water
it makes a sound
that all can hear.
"When water falls on water
it makes a sound
that all can hear."
But when it's
sprayed on porcelain
it falls silent to the ear.
You understand?
"When it's sprayed
on porcelain..."
That's very good, very good.
Now run along and play.
And Phillip,
run around the bases
once for your old grandpa.
Okay, Gramps.
Walter, what did
you say to the boy?
Man talk. You
wouldn't understand.
Walter, we are going to
have this out right now.
Carol, do you mind?
No, of course not.
Walter, if there's
anything I can do...
Just don't waste
your life, Carol.
Carol, while there's still time,
go out there and run around
the bases once for Walter.
[SIGHS]
Okay, Walter... talk to me.
♪ There's an old
Spinning wheel ♪
Walter, cut that out!
Now, look, I feel just as
bad about Floyd as you do,
but darling, what
happened to Floyd
is as much a part
of life as living.
You have to expect these
things as you grow older.
Walter, I've had it. I
can't take it anymore.
You're not the only man
on earth who's growing older.
Oh, yeah, and how
about this chicken neck?
Walter, please, stop
torturing yourself.
Listen, darling, I have
seen pictures of you
when you were 20
and 30 years old.
Walter, you are better-looking
now than you were then.
Now, what do you
think about that?
Maude, middle-aged
people always look better
to other middle-aged people.
That's all that keeps
us from killing ourselves.
Walter, what are
you talking about?
Darling, you are better-looking
now than you were.
I swear it.
And so am I, Walter.
I said, And so am I, Walter.
God'll get ya for this, Walter.
Hi, Maudie. Hi, Walter.
How's Laughing Boy?
I'm so glad you're here, Arthur.
Walter, look,
if you won't talk to
me, talk to Arthur.
He's your closest friend.
Talk to him, darling.
Tell him what's gnawing at
you, what's eating you up alive.
Arthur, you said
that a man is not old
as long as he is
seeking something.
Yeah.
I don't know what I'm seeking.
I don't know if there's
anything left to seek.
It's too late to
be a glider pilot.
Walter, where are you going?
I'm going upstairs to pack.
I gotta be by myself.
Arthur... Arthur, help me.
Well, Maude, you know what's
bothering Walter, don't you?
For the first time, he's
facing his own mortality.
He's afraid, Maude.
And the only thing that'll
counteract the fear of death
is life.
And how do we do that?
With love.
Oh, come on, Arthur,
he already has that.
He knows I love him.
Of course he does.
I'm not just talking about your
spiritual love, though, Maude.
I'm talking about your, uh...
physical relationship.
Oh, that.
Oh, Arthur, the
things I could tell you
if you were a woman doctor.
From another town.
I'm only trying to help, Maude.
Oh, Arthur. Arthur,
let me put it this way:
For the past two weeks,
if Walt Disney had a
camera at the foot of our bed,
there is no scene that
couldn't be shown uncut
in front of the mouseketeers.
I understand, Maude.
But, you know, I've been
reading up on sex research,
Masters and Johnson,
and you know,
they put a great
deal of emphasis
on the simple act of touching.
Touching?
Yes, not in the
erotic sense, Maude.
I mean hugging, caressing,
using physical gentleness
to break through the
defenses of a withdrawn person.
Touching... I'll try it, Arthur.
I mean, I-I'll try anything.
It could work.
Thank you, Arthur.
Don't quote me on this but...
sometimes you're
a real sweet guy.
[LAUGHING]
You see, you see,
you're touching me.
You broke through my defenses.
By golly, it works!
[LAUGHING]
I'm going to see Walter now.
Walter...
I want to touch you.
Maude, I'm trying to
pack. Where are my socks?
Walter, come on. This is me.
I only want to touch you.
The last thing in the world...
The last thing I
want is to be touched.
I don't want my skin touched.
Then let me touch your teeth.
I don't want the tip of your
finger on any part of my person.
I don't want to be touched
here or here or here...
Maude!
And especially not there.
Can't you get it
through your head?
I don't want to be
touched. I wanna be alone.
You wanna be alone?
Is that what you want, Walter?
You wanna be alone?
All right, then be alone!
Because I want to be alone too!
Where are you
going? How do I know?
I'm not there yet.
But I am going
someplace, Walter,
and I am going to have fun!
All right, go ahead.
Go ahead. See if I care.
Of course you don't care.
You don't care about me.
All you care about is you!
Maude, I am 50 years old...
And boring, Walter!
But let me tell you
something, buddy boy.
You are not 50.
You are 50 and three days.
Three days closer to the
Grim Reaper, old buddy.
♪ There's an old spinning
wheel In the parlor ♪
All right, make fun.
Make fun! Go ahead, see if...
What are you packing
that negligee for?
Might be cold where I'm going.
Come on, Maude!
I just bought that for... You
know, for special occasions.
One never knows when she's
going to run into a special occasion.
Now, wait a minute...
No, you wait a minute!
I am very sorry, Walter Findlay,
that you had to find
out on your 50th birthday
that you are a mere mortal.
But it is not the
end of the world.
Now take my suitcase downstairs.
I never said it was
the end of the world.
I said I have to think about
the few remaining
years I have left.
Then, by all means,
think about them, Walter.
Think about them,
wallow in them,
do everything but live them.
Now take my suitcase downstairs.
You want your
suitcase downstairs?
You want your
suitcase downstairs?!
[GLASS SHATTERING]
There, it's downstairs.
Thank you, Walter.
One good turn deserves another!
[GLASS SHATTERING]
And you forgot to
pack your watch!
Not my watch!
[SIGHS]
If I live to be a thousand
I'll never understand you.
Do you want to
understand me, Walter?
Sure.
I'd like to even
understand myself.
But, darling, you
said it yourself:
A man is not old as long as
he's still seeking something.
Walter, if we both
live to be a thousand,
I'd still want to know
more about you.
The same for me, Maude.
Then there is
something left to seek,
isn't there?
Oh.
And, Walter, we're touching.
A whole lot, we're touching.
[LAUGHING]
What are you laughing about?
I don't know what
made me think of it
but I just thought
of this old riddle
Floyd and I used to do.
A riddle?
Yeah.
What has one eye... Yeah.
Sticks out its tongue... Yeah.
And loves to make love?
I know the answer.
Happy birthday, Walter.
[SIGHS]
Walter, just think,
you're 50 and I'm 47.
Do you know what that means?
Do you know what
that means, Walter?
In three years, you'll be 53,
and I'll be 44.
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪