Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Convention - full transcript
During a trip to attend Walter's convention, Maude tells Walter she is discouraged about finding a job and thinks it is because she is a woman Maude decides to speak about woman's lib at Walter's convention.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, Maude,
but you heard the man.
This is the last
motel room in town.
Honey, don't worry
about it. I love it.
Who was the decorator,
Bonnie or Clyde?
I'm sorry our reservations
at the inn got fouled up.
Oh, honey, I told you,
don't worry about it.
We're only gonna be
here two days anyway.
Most of the time's gonna
be spent at the convention.
What's the name
of this place again?
"The John Smith Motel."
[CHUCKLES]
Must have been named
after all their customers.
[LAUGHS]
You know, there's something
about a crummy motel
that gives me crazy ideas.
Why, Mr. Smith,
whatever do you mean?
Maude...
Oh, wait a second. It is crazy.
We're getting excited in a
motel room and we're married.
Don't mention marriage, Walter.
You'll give the
place a bad name.
[LAUGHS]
I'll fix us a drink.
Oh, great idea.
I'll get the glasses.
I love the way
you set up the bar.
Honey, did you ever figure out
that this might just be a hoax?
That they just, uh, put clean
paper around dirty glasses?
Another thing, they have
one of those paper ribbons
across the toilet seat.
You know, when Carol was little,
she used to think they
were there to keep her
from falling in.
Oh, honey, let's
forget about the drinks.
I'm not thirsty. I'm hungry.
I hate to tell you
something, Maude,
but we really
haven't got time. Aw.
Well, we have to dress and
get over to the convention
for the kickoff banquet.
All right. But I'll tell you,
chicken à la king
is a rotten substitute
for Findlay à la king.
There's always later. We'll
be back around midnight.
Oh... [SIGHS]
You'll be too sleepy.
No, I won't.
Walter, I know you.
After three or four drinks,
you're always too sleepy.
I can see it all now.
We'll come back and
before I have a chance
to say, "I love you,"
you'll be flat on your back
with your eyes closed
and your mouth open,
making those little gurgling
sounds you always make.
I gurgle when I sleep?
And snort and whistle.
Walter, you are a
festival of weird noises.
I won't be the problem
tonight, Maude.
I guarantee you
tonight I'll be wide awake
and I'll tell you what.
I'll make a pact with you.
[RINGS]
We'll set the alarm for 12:30,
and come hell or high
water, we've got a date, okay?
Okay.
Twelve-thirty.
Mm, what a magnificent view.
You know, you can see almost
the entire rear end of our car?
Oh...
If the man who invented
these were still alive,
I'd rip his heart out.
Come on, Maude. You better
step on it. We don't have much time.
Oh, honey, don't worry.
I showered and put on my
face before I left the house.
Walter...
are you glad I came along?
Why, of course, Maude. Why?
Oh, nothing.
[SIGHS]
It's just that this is
the first convention
we've ever been on together
and I had to ask you
to bring me along.
Well, the reason I
never asked you, Maude:
Conventions are deadly dull.
Oh, not half as dull
as staying at home,
rooting for some
deranged housewife
to win a Jacuzzi whirlpool
on The Price Is Right.
What are you talking about?
You're the most
active woman I know.
You've got your art
classes, your charities,
your community affairs.
Busywork, Walter, busywork.
Oh, I wish I had something
to do that was meaningful.
Something important.
Maude, please
don't start that again.
You'll find something
meaningful.
When, Walter, when?
I've been hunting for
a job for months now,
and it's always the same story:
I either don't have enough
experience or I'm too old.
Oh, Walter, Walter,
I need to be wanted.
You're wanted,
Maude, you're wanted.
Of course I'm wanted, Walter!
By you!
Honey, let's face it.
I'm nothing but a
47-year-old sex kitten.
[SIGHS]
Maude, you're
gonna make us late.
I suppose you're never late.
Well, only when I
have to wait for you.
Men are on time,
and women are late.
That's the nature of things.
You heard that expression
"Wait till the cows come home"?
Nobody ever says, "Wait
till the bulls come home."
The bulls are already
there pacing back and forth,
looking at their watches.
And who gets up to
announce the crack of dawn?
The rooster, not the hen.
All right, Walter, if you
want to lay the eggs,
I'll get up at dawn
and cock-a-doodle-doo.
Can I get in there?
Be my guest.
MAUDE: Say, honey.
WALTER: What?
This bed is equipped
with Magic Fingers.
WALTER: Magic Fingers?
What's that?
Oh, that's one of
those crazy devices
to make the, uh, bed vibrate.
[BED WHIRS]
Oh, Maude, is this any
time to be doing that?
Walter, be quiet. I
think I'm falling in love.
Maude!
♪ When I'm calling you ♪
Come on, Maude, I'm serious.
Walter, would you be very
upset if I ran off with the bed?
All right, all right, I can
tell you're in a hurry.
You'll have to
finish without me.
How much longer
are you gonna be?
Now, don't worry, Walter.
I'm not gonna make you
late for your convention.
Maude, please, not again.
What do you mean, my convention?
Well, it is for
appliance dealers
and you are the appliance
dealer in the family.
That's right, and
you're my wife.
And that's all I
am, isn't it, Walter?
Your wife.
Okay, you're not my wife.
Thank you.
Maude, if you're not
my wife, who are you?
Oh, I wish I knew, Walter.
I wish I knew a lot of things.
I don't even know
what I'm doing here!
You asked to come. Only
because you wouldn't ask!
I thought you'd hate it...
How would I know, Walter?
I've never been to one before.
Well, how do you
like it so far? I hate it.
You should have stayed at home.
Doing what, Walter?
Doing what? Maude...
Sweeping the floors?
Cooking the meals?
Making the beds? Maude...
What, is that all
women are good for?
Cheap labor?
Beasts of burden?
Give 'em a sack of oats and
then kick 'em in the fetlocks.
If you'd be kind enough
to point out your fetlocks,
I'd be more than happy
to accommodate you.
Walter, Walter, I am so tired
of being a second-class citizen
simply because I'm a woman.
Oh, Maude, darling,
all I want to do
is get to the banquet on time.
Sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Darling, I didn't...
I didn't come along
to fight with you.
I mean, you're not
personally responsible
for the plight of women today.
You're largely responsible,
but not personally.
Just what is it you
want out of life?
Oh, Walter. Walter, I want
what every other woman wants:
Respect.
Walter, I want you to respect
me for the person I am.
I do respect you. For what?
For the person you are.
Who am I, Walter?
Who am I?
Right now, Joan Crawford
in I'll Cry Tomorrow.
That was Susan Hayward.
Now, Maude...
I'm serious, Walter.
You say you respect
me for the person I am.
Who am I?
I know it's become a dirty
word, Maude, but you're my wife.
I was also Barney's
wife, and Andy's wife,
and What's-His-Name's wife.
I want to be me, Walter.
I want my own identity.
You want your own identity?
I'll give you your own identity.
Here, your button
for the convention.
Now, please, stop
being a pain in the fetlock.
"Hello. My name is
Mrs. Walter Findlay.
Mrs. Walter Findlay..."
Walter!
Walter, how come
your button doesn't say,
"Hello, I'm Mr. Maude Findlay"?
Because that's not who I am.
And this, Walter, is
not who I am either.
Well, now, nobody
knows who you are!
Then it will be unanimous!
[BANGING ON WALL]
MAN: Hey!
Will you two guys pipe down?!
Look, sweetheart,
now, let's clear the air.
I think women are
every bit as good as men,
and I think they should
have the same opportunities
to be productive.
Don't I let you help out at
the store every Christmas?
And I appreciate it, Walter.
But what kind of job is that
for a... A... A college graduate?
Standing around, keeping
an eye open for shoplifters,
wearing a Santa Claus suit.
You wanted to be
productive and you were.
Last year you caught that woman
with the transistor
clock-radio in her brassiere.
Walter, anybody
could have caught her!
Her cleavage was ticking!
Walter, I have a degree
in Romance Languages.
I am overeducated and underused.
And late. Will you please put
on your dress so we can leave?
It cost me $25 a plate, and
I can't get my money back.
Did you hear what you just said?
Did you hear what
you ju...? "My money."
Well, it is my
money. I earned it.
Of course it is!
That's my point!
I'm totally dependent
on you, Walter.
I live off your
income. I'm a parasite.
Oh, come on.
You're not a parasite.
You have your
work like I have mine.
You get paid for what you do.
Nobody gives me a dime,
and that's the
barometer, Walter. Money.
You know you're being productive
when somebody pays
you money to do something.
I'll give you 5 bucks
to put on your dress.
God'll get you for that, Walter.
Look, Maude...
Maude, if you want to have...
If you want to change your life,
if you want to be productive,
creative, whatever,
go ahead and do it.
But quit talking about it.
I'm sick and tired of
emancipated women,
which is pretty ironic
when you stop and consider
I'm helping create them.
Me!
I'm selling appliances
so housewives can
get out of the kitchen,
and when they get out of
the kitchen, what do they do?
They run into the living room,
complain to the husbands
they have nothing to do.
And on top of that,
business is lousy.
Now, you listen to me, Walter...
Not another word!
You're coming with me right now!
"Hello.
My name is Mrs. Walter Findlay."
Maude!
"Hello, my name is
Mrs. Walter Findlay."
"Hello, my name is
Mrs. Walter Findlay."
Mm, "Top 10 Dealer Award.
Second runner-up."
Big man!
What are you doing?
I thought you
weren't talking to me.
I am not. What are you doing?
Putting this up so
nobody can look in.
You might as well leave it down
'cause there won't
be anything to see.
What do you want?
The keys to the car.
I'm gonna go for a drive.
Calm down, Maude.
You're not going anyplace.
Let me out of here or
I'll scream! Go ahead.
In a place like this, they'll
think you're enjoying yourself.
You want to tell me
what's bugging you now?
You know perfectly well what
is bugging me, Walter Findlay.
No, I don't!
Make your acceptance
speech, Walter.
What did I say?
Make your acceptance speech.
I didn't make a speech.
All I did was thank everyone.
Then thank everyone, Walter.
I want to thank
everyone. Thank you.
That is not the way you
thanked everyone, Walter.
Try to remember.
I want to thank everyone for
making this award possible...
This Top 10 Dealer Award.
Uh, I want to thank
my employees,
I want to thank my
business associates,
but most of all, I
want to thank my wife.
That's not what you
called me, Walter.
Maude... That is not
what you called me.
All right.
I want to thank
the little woman.
"The little woman."
Walter, when I stood up,
they laughed for five minutes.
That was still no reason,
after I said "the little woman,"
for you to get up and say:
"Hello, my name is
Louisa May Alcott."
Walter, when you called
me "the little woman,"
I almost lost my
cherries jubilee.
How would you feel if I referred
to you as "the little man"?
Have...? Have you any
idea how demeaning that is?
How anonymous that
makes a woman feel?
Well, of course
you felt anonymous.
You threw away
your button that says,
"Hello, my name is
Mrs. Walter Findlay."
Walter, that this the
most ridiculous thing
I have ever heard in my life!
Maude... Let's put
the argument to bed.
We're partners in business,
in life, in everything.
You can't find a
solution to 5000 years
of female frustration
at the John Smith Motel
in Worcester, Massachusetts.
Now, sweetheart,
can we go to sleep?
I have to get up early in
the morning for a seminar:
"What to do with
your microwave oven."
Do I have a suggestion for you.
There you go again!
You don't have to get
up at 7:00 in the morning!
That's one good thing
about being a woman.
Oh, you're
absolutely right, there.
After a woman gets
up at the crack of dawn
and brushes her
teeth and fixes her hair
and puts on her face so
that she will look beautiful
to go into the kitchen to make
breakfast for her husband,
she can then go back
to bed and loll around
because Stump The Stars
does not come on until 10:00.
Walter, if that is your
idea of a fulfilled life,
then I'm a monkey's uncle
and you are a horse's aunt.
Okay, you want to do it my way?
You get up at the crack of dawn,
buck traffic, argue
with the customers,
come home exhausted,
wolf down your meal, then
flop into bed, dead-tired.
Is that what you want?
Oh, and don't forget the
other privileges we men have:
The right to get
fired, to go broke,
to get drafted into the Army,
to have a heart attack and
die 10 years before our wives.
Is that what you want?
Let me tell you
something, Walter.
It sure beats sitting under a
hair dryer in a beauty parlor,
reading all about Henry
Kissinger's love life.
Which, incidentally, I do
not believe for a minute.
I'm going to sleep.
Walter...
remember when we said that
we'd never go to sleep angry?
I'm not angry, you
are. You stay awake.
All right, I'll read.
We didn't bring
anything to read.
I'll read this.
"In the beginning, God
created the heavens..."
Darn it, I read it.
Good night, Maude.
Walter, can't we talk?
All right, but on one condition:
No more talk about
your unfulfilled life.
Well, then there's
nothing to talk about.
Whatever I want to talk about,
you don't want to talk about.
Maude, do you love me?
What is this,
Fiddler on the Roof?
Maude, do you love me?
Of course I love you.
Good.
Two people who love each
other shouldn't have to talk.
You just made that up.
Now, I know you did, darling,
'cause it's rotten.
I didn't mean it literally.
I just mean, when two people
who love and understand each other,
there's a time for talk
and a time for silence,
and this is a time for silence.
Of course this is
a time for silence,
because you say so!
Because you are the
man and I am the woman!
And right now it's a good
thing you're not a man
because if you were,
I'd probably punch
you right in the nose!
Well, why don't you?
Go on. I'm serious. What?
Look, you say if I were a man,
you'd punch me in the
nose... Oh, come on.
And you say you're not
prejudiced against women.
Don't be silly. Punch
me in the nose.
You want me to do
it? It's the only way
you can show me you're
not prejudiced against women.
I'm not! Are you chicken?
Don't call me chicken!
Right in the nose!
Get your hand out of
the way. Right in the nose!
[ALARM RINGS]
It's 12:30.
It's 12:30, Maude.
We have a date.
I remember, and
I'm standing you up.
Maude, I love you.
If you really loved me,
you would have
punched me in the nose.
Maude.
I love you.
And I love you.
Then come to bed.
Still mussing up the
bed because you're afraid
of what the maid might think
in the morning, huh, Maude?
Oh, honey, I'm...
I'm so sorry I let out my
frustration on you tonight.
I understand, Maude.
To tell the truth,
if I were a woman
I'd feel the same way.
Oh, honey.
You see how it is?
We... We discuss,
we argue, and...
we always end
up this way, in bed.
And I told you,
Walter, this is my role.
Sex kitten.
Come on, Maude,
you're starting up again.
I am not starting up, Walter.
I never stopped.
You know, this isn't
gonna resolve anything.
But I'll admit, it helps.
WALTER: Maude.
Maude, would you
come out here a minute?
What do you want, honey?
Well, the owner of the motel
wants to take our picture.
Take our picture? Why?
Well, he found out
we were really married.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, Maude,
but you heard the man.
This is the last
motel room in town.
Honey, don't worry
about it. I love it.
Who was the decorator,
Bonnie or Clyde?
I'm sorry our reservations
at the inn got fouled up.
Oh, honey, I told you,
don't worry about it.
We're only gonna be
here two days anyway.
Most of the time's gonna
be spent at the convention.
What's the name
of this place again?
"The John Smith Motel."
[CHUCKLES]
Must have been named
after all their customers.
[LAUGHS]
You know, there's something
about a crummy motel
that gives me crazy ideas.
Why, Mr. Smith,
whatever do you mean?
Maude...
Oh, wait a second. It is crazy.
We're getting excited in a
motel room and we're married.
Don't mention marriage, Walter.
You'll give the
place a bad name.
[LAUGHS]
I'll fix us a drink.
Oh, great idea.
I'll get the glasses.
I love the way
you set up the bar.
Honey, did you ever figure out
that this might just be a hoax?
That they just, uh, put clean
paper around dirty glasses?
Another thing, they have
one of those paper ribbons
across the toilet seat.
You know, when Carol was little,
she used to think they
were there to keep her
from falling in.
Oh, honey, let's
forget about the drinks.
I'm not thirsty. I'm hungry.
I hate to tell you
something, Maude,
but we really
haven't got time. Aw.
Well, we have to dress and
get over to the convention
for the kickoff banquet.
All right. But I'll tell you,
chicken à la king
is a rotten substitute
for Findlay à la king.
There's always later. We'll
be back around midnight.
Oh... [SIGHS]
You'll be too sleepy.
No, I won't.
Walter, I know you.
After three or four drinks,
you're always too sleepy.
I can see it all now.
We'll come back and
before I have a chance
to say, "I love you,"
you'll be flat on your back
with your eyes closed
and your mouth open,
making those little gurgling
sounds you always make.
I gurgle when I sleep?
And snort and whistle.
Walter, you are a
festival of weird noises.
I won't be the problem
tonight, Maude.
I guarantee you
tonight I'll be wide awake
and I'll tell you what.
I'll make a pact with you.
[RINGS]
We'll set the alarm for 12:30,
and come hell or high
water, we've got a date, okay?
Okay.
Twelve-thirty.
Mm, what a magnificent view.
You know, you can see almost
the entire rear end of our car?
Oh...
If the man who invented
these were still alive,
I'd rip his heart out.
Come on, Maude. You better
step on it. We don't have much time.
Oh, honey, don't worry.
I showered and put on my
face before I left the house.
Walter...
are you glad I came along?
Why, of course, Maude. Why?
Oh, nothing.
[SIGHS]
It's just that this is
the first convention
we've ever been on together
and I had to ask you
to bring me along.
Well, the reason I
never asked you, Maude:
Conventions are deadly dull.
Oh, not half as dull
as staying at home,
rooting for some
deranged housewife
to win a Jacuzzi whirlpool
on The Price Is Right.
What are you talking about?
You're the most
active woman I know.
You've got your art
classes, your charities,
your community affairs.
Busywork, Walter, busywork.
Oh, I wish I had something
to do that was meaningful.
Something important.
Maude, please
don't start that again.
You'll find something
meaningful.
When, Walter, when?
I've been hunting for
a job for months now,
and it's always the same story:
I either don't have enough
experience or I'm too old.
Oh, Walter, Walter,
I need to be wanted.
You're wanted,
Maude, you're wanted.
Of course I'm wanted, Walter!
By you!
Honey, let's face it.
I'm nothing but a
47-year-old sex kitten.
[SIGHS]
Maude, you're
gonna make us late.
I suppose you're never late.
Well, only when I
have to wait for you.
Men are on time,
and women are late.
That's the nature of things.
You heard that expression
"Wait till the cows come home"?
Nobody ever says, "Wait
till the bulls come home."
The bulls are already
there pacing back and forth,
looking at their watches.
And who gets up to
announce the crack of dawn?
The rooster, not the hen.
All right, Walter, if you
want to lay the eggs,
I'll get up at dawn
and cock-a-doodle-doo.
Can I get in there?
Be my guest.
MAUDE: Say, honey.
WALTER: What?
This bed is equipped
with Magic Fingers.
WALTER: Magic Fingers?
What's that?
Oh, that's one of
those crazy devices
to make the, uh, bed vibrate.
[BED WHIRS]
Oh, Maude, is this any
time to be doing that?
Walter, be quiet. I
think I'm falling in love.
Maude!
♪ When I'm calling you ♪
Come on, Maude, I'm serious.
Walter, would you be very
upset if I ran off with the bed?
All right, all right, I can
tell you're in a hurry.
You'll have to
finish without me.
How much longer
are you gonna be?
Now, don't worry, Walter.
I'm not gonna make you
late for your convention.
Maude, please, not again.
What do you mean, my convention?
Well, it is for
appliance dealers
and you are the appliance
dealer in the family.
That's right, and
you're my wife.
And that's all I
am, isn't it, Walter?
Your wife.
Okay, you're not my wife.
Thank you.
Maude, if you're not
my wife, who are you?
Oh, I wish I knew, Walter.
I wish I knew a lot of things.
I don't even know
what I'm doing here!
You asked to come. Only
because you wouldn't ask!
I thought you'd hate it...
How would I know, Walter?
I've never been to one before.
Well, how do you
like it so far? I hate it.
You should have stayed at home.
Doing what, Walter?
Doing what? Maude...
Sweeping the floors?
Cooking the meals?
Making the beds? Maude...
What, is that all
women are good for?
Cheap labor?
Beasts of burden?
Give 'em a sack of oats and
then kick 'em in the fetlocks.
If you'd be kind enough
to point out your fetlocks,
I'd be more than happy
to accommodate you.
Walter, Walter, I am so tired
of being a second-class citizen
simply because I'm a woman.
Oh, Maude, darling,
all I want to do
is get to the banquet on time.
Sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Darling, I didn't...
I didn't come along
to fight with you.
I mean, you're not
personally responsible
for the plight of women today.
You're largely responsible,
but not personally.
Just what is it you
want out of life?
Oh, Walter. Walter, I want
what every other woman wants:
Respect.
Walter, I want you to respect
me for the person I am.
I do respect you. For what?
For the person you are.
Who am I, Walter?
Who am I?
Right now, Joan Crawford
in I'll Cry Tomorrow.
That was Susan Hayward.
Now, Maude...
I'm serious, Walter.
You say you respect
me for the person I am.
Who am I?
I know it's become a dirty
word, Maude, but you're my wife.
I was also Barney's
wife, and Andy's wife,
and What's-His-Name's wife.
I want to be me, Walter.
I want my own identity.
You want your own identity?
I'll give you your own identity.
Here, your button
for the convention.
Now, please, stop
being a pain in the fetlock.
"Hello. My name is
Mrs. Walter Findlay.
Mrs. Walter Findlay..."
Walter!
Walter, how come
your button doesn't say,
"Hello, I'm Mr. Maude Findlay"?
Because that's not who I am.
And this, Walter, is
not who I am either.
Well, now, nobody
knows who you are!
Then it will be unanimous!
[BANGING ON WALL]
MAN: Hey!
Will you two guys pipe down?!
Look, sweetheart,
now, let's clear the air.
I think women are
every bit as good as men,
and I think they should
have the same opportunities
to be productive.
Don't I let you help out at
the store every Christmas?
And I appreciate it, Walter.
But what kind of job is that
for a... A... A college graduate?
Standing around, keeping
an eye open for shoplifters,
wearing a Santa Claus suit.
You wanted to be
productive and you were.
Last year you caught that woman
with the transistor
clock-radio in her brassiere.
Walter, anybody
could have caught her!
Her cleavage was ticking!
Walter, I have a degree
in Romance Languages.
I am overeducated and underused.
And late. Will you please put
on your dress so we can leave?
It cost me $25 a plate, and
I can't get my money back.
Did you hear what you just said?
Did you hear what
you ju...? "My money."
Well, it is my
money. I earned it.
Of course it is!
That's my point!
I'm totally dependent
on you, Walter.
I live off your
income. I'm a parasite.
Oh, come on.
You're not a parasite.
You have your
work like I have mine.
You get paid for what you do.
Nobody gives me a dime,
and that's the
barometer, Walter. Money.
You know you're being productive
when somebody pays
you money to do something.
I'll give you 5 bucks
to put on your dress.
God'll get you for that, Walter.
Look, Maude...
Maude, if you want to have...
If you want to change your life,
if you want to be productive,
creative, whatever,
go ahead and do it.
But quit talking about it.
I'm sick and tired of
emancipated women,
which is pretty ironic
when you stop and consider
I'm helping create them.
Me!
I'm selling appliances
so housewives can
get out of the kitchen,
and when they get out of
the kitchen, what do they do?
They run into the living room,
complain to the husbands
they have nothing to do.
And on top of that,
business is lousy.
Now, you listen to me, Walter...
Not another word!
You're coming with me right now!
"Hello.
My name is Mrs. Walter Findlay."
Maude!
"Hello, my name is
Mrs. Walter Findlay."
"Hello, my name is
Mrs. Walter Findlay."
Mm, "Top 10 Dealer Award.
Second runner-up."
Big man!
What are you doing?
I thought you
weren't talking to me.
I am not. What are you doing?
Putting this up so
nobody can look in.
You might as well leave it down
'cause there won't
be anything to see.
What do you want?
The keys to the car.
I'm gonna go for a drive.
Calm down, Maude.
You're not going anyplace.
Let me out of here or
I'll scream! Go ahead.
In a place like this, they'll
think you're enjoying yourself.
You want to tell me
what's bugging you now?
You know perfectly well what
is bugging me, Walter Findlay.
No, I don't!
Make your acceptance
speech, Walter.
What did I say?
Make your acceptance speech.
I didn't make a speech.
All I did was thank everyone.
Then thank everyone, Walter.
I want to thank
everyone. Thank you.
That is not the way you
thanked everyone, Walter.
Try to remember.
I want to thank everyone for
making this award possible...
This Top 10 Dealer Award.
Uh, I want to thank
my employees,
I want to thank my
business associates,
but most of all, I
want to thank my wife.
That's not what you
called me, Walter.
Maude... That is not
what you called me.
All right.
I want to thank
the little woman.
"The little woman."
Walter, when I stood up,
they laughed for five minutes.
That was still no reason,
after I said "the little woman,"
for you to get up and say:
"Hello, my name is
Louisa May Alcott."
Walter, when you called
me "the little woman,"
I almost lost my
cherries jubilee.
How would you feel if I referred
to you as "the little man"?
Have...? Have you any
idea how demeaning that is?
How anonymous that
makes a woman feel?
Well, of course
you felt anonymous.
You threw away
your button that says,
"Hello, my name is
Mrs. Walter Findlay."
Walter, that this the
most ridiculous thing
I have ever heard in my life!
Maude... Let's put
the argument to bed.
We're partners in business,
in life, in everything.
You can't find a
solution to 5000 years
of female frustration
at the John Smith Motel
in Worcester, Massachusetts.
Now, sweetheart,
can we go to sleep?
I have to get up early in
the morning for a seminar:
"What to do with
your microwave oven."
Do I have a suggestion for you.
There you go again!
You don't have to get
up at 7:00 in the morning!
That's one good thing
about being a woman.
Oh, you're
absolutely right, there.
After a woman gets
up at the crack of dawn
and brushes her
teeth and fixes her hair
and puts on her face so
that she will look beautiful
to go into the kitchen to make
breakfast for her husband,
she can then go back
to bed and loll around
because Stump The Stars
does not come on until 10:00.
Walter, if that is your
idea of a fulfilled life,
then I'm a monkey's uncle
and you are a horse's aunt.
Okay, you want to do it my way?
You get up at the crack of dawn,
buck traffic, argue
with the customers,
come home exhausted,
wolf down your meal, then
flop into bed, dead-tired.
Is that what you want?
Oh, and don't forget the
other privileges we men have:
The right to get
fired, to go broke,
to get drafted into the Army,
to have a heart attack and
die 10 years before our wives.
Is that what you want?
Let me tell you
something, Walter.
It sure beats sitting under a
hair dryer in a beauty parlor,
reading all about Henry
Kissinger's love life.
Which, incidentally, I do
not believe for a minute.
I'm going to sleep.
Walter...
remember when we said that
we'd never go to sleep angry?
I'm not angry, you
are. You stay awake.
All right, I'll read.
We didn't bring
anything to read.
I'll read this.
"In the beginning, God
created the heavens..."
Darn it, I read it.
Good night, Maude.
Walter, can't we talk?
All right, but on one condition:
No more talk about
your unfulfilled life.
Well, then there's
nothing to talk about.
Whatever I want to talk about,
you don't want to talk about.
Maude, do you love me?
What is this,
Fiddler on the Roof?
Maude, do you love me?
Of course I love you.
Good.
Two people who love each
other shouldn't have to talk.
You just made that up.
Now, I know you did, darling,
'cause it's rotten.
I didn't mean it literally.
I just mean, when two people
who love and understand each other,
there's a time for talk
and a time for silence,
and this is a time for silence.
Of course this is
a time for silence,
because you say so!
Because you are the
man and I am the woman!
And right now it's a good
thing you're not a man
because if you were,
I'd probably punch
you right in the nose!
Well, why don't you?
Go on. I'm serious. What?
Look, you say if I were a man,
you'd punch me in the
nose... Oh, come on.
And you say you're not
prejudiced against women.
Don't be silly. Punch
me in the nose.
You want me to do
it? It's the only way
you can show me you're
not prejudiced against women.
I'm not! Are you chicken?
Don't call me chicken!
Right in the nose!
Get your hand out of
the way. Right in the nose!
[ALARM RINGS]
It's 12:30.
It's 12:30, Maude.
We have a date.
I remember, and
I'm standing you up.
Maude, I love you.
If you really loved me,
you would have
punched me in the nose.
Maude.
I love you.
And I love you.
Then come to bed.
Still mussing up the
bed because you're afraid
of what the maid might think
in the morning, huh, Maude?
Oh, honey, I'm...
I'm so sorry I let out my
frustration on you tonight.
I understand, Maude.
To tell the truth,
if I were a woman
I'd feel the same way.
Oh, honey.
You see how it is?
We... We discuss,
we argue, and...
we always end
up this way, in bed.
And I told you,
Walter, this is my role.
Sex kitten.
Come on, Maude,
you're starting up again.
I am not starting up, Walter.
I never stopped.
You know, this isn't
gonna resolve anything.
But I'll admit, it helps.
WALTER: Maude.
Maude, would you
come out here a minute?
What do you want, honey?
Well, the owner of the motel
wants to take our picture.
Take our picture? Why?
Well, he found out
we were really married.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪