Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 10 - Maude's Dilemma: Part 2 - full transcript

[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]

♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪

♪ If the whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪



♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude! ♪

NARRATOR: Welcome to
part two of "Maude's Dilemma."

Morning, Carol.

Morning, Florida.



Where's your mother?

She hasn't come down yet.

I think she's still in shock.

So am I.

I just can't believe
your mother is pregnant.

Neither can my mother.

Tell you what. If a stork ever
flew over my chimney again,

my husband'll fly
right out the door.

Hello, Junior. Goodbye, Senior.

Oh, boy.

Good morning, Mother.

Carol.

Morning, Mother.

Watch it, Florida.

Look who's telling
who to watch it.

Did you have a bad night?

Flesh-crawling.

Honey, I dreamt I gave birth
to the most beautiful baby

with an 8-foot stainless
steel umbilical cord.

They couldn't cut it.

I woke up dragging Walter
halfway across the bed

by his pajama strings.

Well, you don't look very well.

Oh, honey, I have
the world's worst cold.

I have a case of
morning sickness

that makes me feel like I'll
live maybe, tops, 11 minutes.

What a fate.

Nine months of having
you tell me I don't look well.

Eight months, mother.

You're already four
weeks pregnant.

Oh, look, Mother, you're not
gonna go through with this.

I keep forgetting,

is black coffee good or bad
for a woman in my condition?

Well, it keeps you awake.

Bad. That's what got
me in my condition.

Mother, you don't
have to have the baby.

Look, I've told you before,

there's no reason
to feel guilty,

and there's certainly
no reason to be afraid.

You're like talking
to a stone wall.

A pregnant stone wall.

Oh, Carol, honey.

Honey, I really have
been listening to you,

and I've done a great
deal of soul-searching.

Believe me.

You're going to have the baby?

That's right, Carol.

Mother, please, you can't.

Look, you told me yourself,

Dr. Tarpin said for you
to have a baby at your age

could be very risky.

Now, honey, you know Dr. Tarpin.

He's an old fuddy-duddy.

Look, Lucille Granger had a
baby just last year, and she was 49.

Yes, and she looks 59.

And feels 71.

Now, the point I'm
trying to make, honey,

is that I am going to have this
baby because Walter wants it.

Walter wants it?
He told you that?

Well, he didn't come
right out and say it,

but he was up half the
night tossing and turning.

Honey, I'm sure
Walter wants the baby.

How do you know he
wasn't tossing and turning

because he doesn't
want the baby?

Honey, I know the man.

Look, when you were married,

didn't you know what was
on your husband's mind?

If I'd known what
was on his mind,

I would have divorced
him six months sooner.

Well, anyway, I know
Walter like a book.

So you're having a child at
your age just to please him?

Well, it's only fair. I mean,
look what he did to please me.

Mrs. Findlay, can I get
into your bathroom now?

Not unless you want to jump
in the tub with Mr. Findlay.

After what you're going through?

No thanks.

I'll just finish up
in the kitchen.

Look, Mother, there's
something you're not talking about.

How do you feel
about having a baby?

Well, to tell you
the truth, honey...

I just don't know.

I mean, part of me really
wants to have the baby.

And part of me... I don't know.

Anyway, I know Walter
will be very pleased

if we have the baby.

He's never been a father before.

I've never heard
him complain about it.

You know you could
be reading him wrong.

Not a chance,
honey. I know Walter.

Sweetheart, do you realize
that he is almost 50 years old?

This is his bid for immortality.

He'll have a son to
carry on his name.

Suppose he gets a daughter.

Well, the way things
are going today,

a daughter could
carry on his name too.

Mother, if you are so sure
that Walter wants a baby,

I don't see why you can't just
come right out and ask him.

Honey, there's no need to.

Look, if he didn't want
the baby, he would tell me.

But if he did want the
baby, which he does,

he wouldn't even mention it

because he wouldn't
want to influence me.

Look, Mrs. Findley, if
he ain't out of that tub yet,

he is gonna look like a prune.

Oh, by the way, what's
the latest word on the baby?

Well, everybody else
has voiced an opinion.

How about you, Florida?

Well, my opinion is this:

I don't do windows,
and I don't do babies.

[LAUGHS]

Mother, I don't think
you realize how difficult

it's gonna be for a woman
your age to have a baby.

Oh, honey, listen no
matter how difficult it is,

it can't be as difficult as it
was when I was carrying you.

Now, that's right, Carol.

Because when I was pregnant
with you, we were very, very poor.

You know what it's like
to be pregnant and poor?

Boy, I remember I
used to have to go

to a laundromat twice a week.

Ooh, I hated that place.

It was loaded with perverts.

They loved to sit in
front of the machines

and watch the nylon
panties go round and round.

As a matter of fact,
I went into labor

in that same laundromat,

somewhere between
rinse and spin dry.

And the next thing I
knew, I was in a hospital

where a nurse handed
me a brown paper bag

and told me to deposit
my undergarments.

Oh, Carol, she stood there while
I slowly died of embarrassment.

You see, I had run
out of underwear,

and I was wearing your
father's boxer shorts.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I was right.

He looks like a prune.

Mother, that was a
heart-rending story.

But I would still rather
see you having a baby

when you're poor and
young than when you're 47.

What a lousy break.

Most women your age have
already been through menopause.

Yeah, I know, sweetheart.

But you know me, I
just haven't had the time.

However, tomorrow morning
I'll put it on my calendar.

"Things to do: Change life."

The prune is finished!

Him Tarzan, me Jane.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That must be Lorraine Cochran.

She's picking Phillip up.
She's got the carpool today.

Hi, Lorraine. Hi, Maude.

Phillip will be down
in a minute. Okay.

I'll be right back,
kids. Play nice, now.

Hi, kids.

Lorraine, honey, you know,
you are really an amazing person.

I mean, four small children,
and you're in your early 40s.

[LAUGHS] It's nothing, really.

Listen, Maude, do you mind
if I visit your powder room?

And keep an eye on
the kids for me, will you?

Sure.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Am I what?

Am I watching television?

Oh, wait a minute, what is this,
one of those rating services?

[HORN HONKING]

Yeah, yeah, would you
just hold on for just a minute?

Yeah, don't go away, please.

Jimmy!

Jimmy, stop honking the horn.

Jimmy, stop honking the horn.

Look, I'm gonna count to three,

and then I'm gonna
come out there

and rip your little heart out.

[HONKING STOPS]

That's a good boy.

My foot.

Hello?

Yeah, you know,
this is the first time

that one of your services
has ever called me?

Yeah, well, of course
I'm watching television.

Yeah, the name of the
program is The End of the World.

[DOG BARKING]

Jimmy!

Jimmy, will you let
go of that dog's tail?

Jimmy!

Doggie, sic Jimmy.

Kill, kill.

Jimmy, if you want
to pull something,

pull your sister's hair.

[GIRL SCREAMS]

GIRL: Ow! Stop
it! That's better.

Have a good time. All right.

Mother, what are you screaming
about? What's going on?

The Cochran kids with some
kind of a plot to drive me mad.

Well, it looks like
they succeeded.

Oh, Maude, I almost forgot.

Congratulations!

I understand you're preggie.

Preggie?

Preggie.

Oh, yes, Carol, you see?

On top of everything
else, I'm preggie.

[LAUGHS]

I'll let you in on
a little secret.

I am too.

You're kidding?

Oh, of course you can't tell.

I mean, I'm not showing yet.

Actually we had planned
at stopping at four.

Four's a nice family,
Lorraine. Why didn't you?

I couldn't do that.

I mean, each to his
own, but I couldn't.

I... I don't think
it's right for me

to make that kind of a decision.

Besides, what's one more kid?

Oh, listen, by the way,
Maude, are you nursing?

Uh, no, I was
just having coffee.

I'll lend you my copy of
The Art of Breast-Feeding.

You'll love it.

The Art of Breast-Feeding.

Do you realize,
Carol, now it's an art?

Like French cooking.

Mother, look at you,
you're shaking like a leaf.

You were with the
kids five minutes.

They weren't even
in the... Please!

I'm late for golf. I only
got time for coffee.

Oh, Walter, I'm crushed.

I was planning on preparing
you an eight-course breakfast.

Now's your chance. Ask him.

Uh... Walter, I have
a question for you.

What is it?

Walter...

Look, I have to
know what you want.

I want it black.

Walter, I'm talking
about the baby.

You know, a woman has a right
to know how her husband feels.

I think you know
how I feel, Maude.

I want whatever you want.

And I want what
you want, Walter.

Then it's settled.

Because I trust you
to know what I want.

Anyway, you won't have
to make this decision again.

Wait a minute, Walter.

Walter, what's that
supposed to mean?

I spoke to Arthur, and
he spoke to Dr. Mingo,

and he arranged for me to
get a vasectomy after golf.

A vasectomy after golf?

It sounds like a new
play by Noel Coward.

Well, anyway, honey,
you heard it for yourself.

Walter is dying
to have that baby.

Mother, I didn't
hear him say that.

All I heard him say

was that he trusts you
to know what he wants.

And I do, Carol.

Listen, there is not a doubt in
my mind, honey, not a doubt,

because on top
of everything else,

last night in his sleep he said,

"Maude, I want
to have this baby."

Well, why didn't you
tell me that before?

Because it's not true.

Look, Carol, I just want
to get you off my back!

Now, listen, I am going to
go ahead and have this baby

because Walter wants it.

So you might as well
start getting used to it.

Yes, and maybe even be a
little happy about it, as I am.

Oh, Carol, we're going to
have a little toddler in the house.

And if he's strong and healthy,

maybe by the time
he's six months old,

he'll be smart enough
to bust out of his playpen

and run away from home.

Well, no, I don't
think so, Arthur.

The way Maude was
tossing and turning last night,

I just know she wants
to have that baby.

Did it occur to you she might
have been tossing and turning

because she doesn't
want to have the baby?

No, but you don't
understand Maude.

If she didn't want
to have the baby,

she'd have no
problem in telling me.

Instead she tosses and
turns and says nothing at all,

which has to mean
she wants the baby.

What about you?

Me?

I think it's terrific.

I'll get a chance to
read Goodnight Moon.

You ever read that, Arthur?

"Good night, little mouse.
Good night, little house.

"Good night, shoes.
Good night, socks."

I prefer the, uh...

Frankly, I prefer The Little
Choo-Choo That Could, you know?

"I think I can, I think
I can, I think I can.

"I knew I could, I knew I
could, I knew I could. Woo-woo!"

Thank you.

[LAUGHS]

Just between you and me, Walter,

I don't know why Maude
wants to have a baby at all.

At her age, you know,
there are certain risks.

Well, don't underestimate
the maternal instinct, Arthur.

Besides, she may
also be fighting the idea

of abortion on moral grounds.

You don't want to interfere.

I think I interfered
enough already.

"Good night, nose.
Good night, toes.

Good night, eyes."

I hate to interrupt
you, old buddy,

but you don't have
very much time

before you have to
go under the knife.

Arthur? Hm?

The operation, what's it like?

What, vasectomy?

Oh, it's a very simple
procedure, Walter.

It's done right in
the doctor's office.

Snip, snip, snip, and it's over.

Burt, double.

Now, easy, Walter.

You're responding to
some kind of a primitive fear.

It's irrational.

You should know better.

I do know better,
but that doesn't help.

Not when you were
brainwashed as a child.

I still line the seats
in public johns.

[LAUGHS]

My mother spent
half her life telling me

what I could get if I didn't.

I guess we had the
same mothers, Walter.

You wanna know what
I do in public restrooms?

What?

Get ready.

I flush with my foot.

We all have the same
mothers, Arthur, all of us.

Tell me something.

What happens... after?

After the snip-snip?

After the snip-snip.

Nothing, except you can't
make babies, that's all.

And that's it? That's it.

I don't change into
a soprano, do I?

Come on, Walter, it has
nothing to do with virility.

Absolutely nothing. Listen,

you want to hear it right
from the horse's mouth?

Harry Lawrence is over there.

He had a vasectomy. Harry.

Hey, Arthur, please
don't embarrass me.

Don't worry, I'll be discreet.

Hey, Arthur, good to see you.

Do you know Walter Findlay?

No, I don't believe
I've had the pleasure.

Hi. Well, how's
the dress business?

Sensational. That's great.

How do you like your vasectomy?

Discreet, Arthur. Very discreet.

Walter here is planning
to have one too.

Oh, well, good deal.

Tell him about it.

You'll really love it, Walter.

Takes the worry
out of being close.

That was a little joke.

You're happy you
had it done then?

Happy isn't the word for
it. Best thing I ever did.

And everything's fine?

Fine? Everything's better.

Better? Sure.

Helps my wife too.

She's like a kid again.

The only trouble is,
she forgets I'm not.

One more question.

Do you flush with your foot?

Good to see you again, Arthur.

Good luck, Walter.

Well, he didn't have the
same mother we did, Arthur.

No, I guess not.

Well, the important thing is,

he was psychologically
prepared for vasectomy.

See, some guys are
and some guys aren't.

Now, you're an ideal
candidate for vasectomy:

easygoing, devil-may-care.

You're just what
the doctor ordered.

I gotta make a couple
of calls on the way home.

And you better be getting
yourself over to Doc Mingo.

Oh, yeah, sure. As
soon as I finish this drink.

Well, lots of luck, old buddy.

And remember, V for vasectomy.

"V for vasectomy."

Oh, hello, Dr. Mingo's office?

This is Walter Findley.

Yeah, well, I wanna
cancel my 5:00 appointment.

Well, yeah, I'll call back.
I'll call back next... year.

Hurry, darling.

You must be exhausted.

No, really, Walter,
playing 18 holes of golf,

then having a vasectomy and
then working in the store till 9:00,

I mean, it's too much.

Maude.

Maude.

I have a confession to make.

Yes, Walter.

I shouldn't have gone
to the store today.

All I sold was a pop-up toaster.

Wh-wh-what are you doing?

Honey, I'm helping
you get into bed.

Maude, I'm not an invalid.

Come on. Oh, now, come on.

Why are we going to bed so
early? It's not even 10:00 yet.

Sweetheart, you don't
have to go to sleep.

I just want you to
get into bed and rest.

Come on. You can read.

I bought you a new book today.

The Art of Breast-Feeding?

No, honey, the
other one, on politics.

I don't feel like reading.

Sweetheart, did the
doctor prescribe anything?

I mean, ice packs
or heating pad,

aspirin, novelties?

Nothing. Uh...

he just told me to stay
off my feet, you know.

Listen, honey, would
you like a pickle?

No, thanks.

They probably go better with
pregnancies than vasectomies.

Maude, I'd like to
tell you about today.

Honey, I want to take
your mind off today.

Now, of course, I
know what I usually do

to take your mind off things,

but what can we do now?

I know what. How about
a game of gin rummy?

Okay, gin rummy.

Terrific idea.

Gosh, Maude, it's been
months since we played gin.

I know.

Walter...

I've decided to have the baby.

I knew it.

I told Arthur that
would be your decision.

I'm glad you're happy about it.

You'll love being a father.

Of course, Maude.

Gin.

What do you mean, gin? You
picked up one card, and you gin?

Name of the game, Maude.

Listen, honey,

I was wondering.

Uh, now that you've
had your vasectomy...

Well, if anything
happened to me...

Maude...

No, no, no, no,
no. Let me finish.

Sweetheart, if anything
happened to me,

and you wanted to
get married again,

and you wanted
to be a father again,

but you couldn't...

I mean, have you
thought about that, Walter?

I never wanted to
become a father before.

Why should I want to
become one later on?

I don't understand you, Walter.

I'm happy to become a father
because you want to have a baby

not because I want
to become a father.

Gin.

Walter, what are trying to do?

You pick up two
cards, and you gin.

Now, wait a second, Maude.

Were you having the baby
because you thought I wanted it?

Well, you do, don't you?

Sweetheart...

would it disappoint
you too much to learn

that becoming a father was
never one of my life's ambitions.

I-I don't know why.

For years I used to
feel guilty about it.

For years people told
me I was nuts or selfish.

How could I not love kids?

Well, I do love kids, but
they don't have to be mine.

That's probably the worst
confession I'll ever make.

Do you hate me?

Of course not, darling.

I love you.

I love you, and I love my life.

Gin.

I take it all back!

What are you trying to do to me?

I don't even have
time to sort my cards,

and you're ginning out on me.

Forget the cards, Maude.

We have something much
more important to talk about.

What, you finally decided
you do want a pickle?

Maude...

I want you to have
whatever it is you want.

Does that include the baby?

Well, it did when...

When I thought you wanted it.

Oh, Maude.

I think it would be wrong
to have a child at our age.

Oh, so do I, Walter.

Oh, Walter, so do I.

We'd make awful parents.

Oh, impatient, irascible.

Awful. It's just
not our time of life.

For other people it
might be fine, but for us?

I don't think it would
be fair to anybody.

Oh, Walter, hold me closer.

Are you frightened, Maude?

About the operation, I mean.

Oh, don't be
ridiculous, darling.

Why should I be frightened? Were
you frightened of the vasectomy?

I said, "Were you frightened
about the vasectomy?"

I didn't have it.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

You see, I was
psychologically unprepared.

You can ask Arthur.

Arthur's a doctor,
he told me that...

Honey, it's all
right, it's all right.

Just tell me, Walter, that...

I'm doing the right thing
not having the baby.

For you, Maude, for me,

in the privacy of our own lives,

you're doing the right thing.

I love you, Walter Findlay.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude! ♪

♪ Right on, Maude! ♪