Matlock (1986–1995): Season 8, Episode 6 - The Last Laugh - full transcript

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Two hundred and 50, will you
give me three. $300 bid, anywhere?

$300 bid I'm looking
for, anywhere, three.

Three hundred dollar bid, I got.
Now at $300 bid. I got and 300.

Three hundred and
25 dollar bid, anyone?

Three hundred and
25 dollar bid, anyone?

I have $300 bid once.
I have $300 bid twice.

I'm calling you for the
third and the last call.

All through and all done.

Sold to the gentleman
right over there,

who has just become the proud
owner of a corset worn by Vivien Leigh



as Scarlett O'Hara in
Gone With The Wind,

and I hope it looks half as
good on you as it did on her.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Three hundred dollars
for a 60-year-old girdle.

Oh, would you lighten
up? It's for a good cause.

MATLOCK: Hmm.

Hey, here's something you might like.
An ashtray from the set of Casablanca,

complete with the
butts of five cigarettes

- smoked by Humphrey Bogart himself.
- Hmm.

AUCTIONEER: And now, for
all of you comedy fans out there,

our next item includes not only a
ringside table at Kiki's Comedy Club,

where the man better known to
some of you as the Laugh King

will be appearing next week,

but also a chance to
meet and have dinner



with the great man
himself, Mr. Harvey Chase.

I thought he was dead.

Oh, he's gotta be at least 80. I
can't believe he's still performing.

Give me that.

- You're gonna bid on this?
- Shh.

AUCTIONEER: Somebody give
me $100. $100 bid, anywhere.

Hundred-dollar bid I'm looking
for. Hundred-dollar bid I got.

Will you give me 100 and a
quarter? At a 100 and a quarter.

Hundred and a quarter I
got. Now to 100 and a half.

A hundred and a half
now. A hundred and a half.

Yes, 150. Now to 175.

Hundred-and-75-dollar bid,
yes. At 175 now and now two.

At $200 bid. Yes, I
have $200. I have $200.

Someone, two and a quarter.
I have $200. I have $200.

Someone, two and a quarter.

Yes, I have two and
a quarter. I have 225.

Someone 250. Anywhere, $250.

I have $225 bid once,
I have $225 bid twice.

For the third and the last call.

Sold, $225, to the gentleman
in the seersucker suit,

an evening with Harvey Chase.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

CHASE: Boy, am
I going bad lately.

I'm unlucky. Really.

Three months ago, I loaned
my best friend $10,000

to have his face fixed.

Now I can't find the guy.

[MATLOCK LAUGHING]

Folks, uh, I'm only working
this club on account of my health.

My doctor told me to
stay away from crowds.

[MATLOCK LAUGHING]

- You laugh pretty good.
- Well, heh, heh.

You know, somebody wake up
that guy and tell him where he is.

Oh, boy.

I was... What was I telling...? Oh,
yeah, I was just talking about my age.

Well, it's not... Hey,
let's not kid around,

I'm putting on a
little mileage myself.

For example, this
morning... This is a true story.

For example, this morning I went into a
restaurant, ordered three-minute eggs,

and the waitress made
me put up front money.

[MATLOCK LAUGHING]

CHASE: Oh, you're terrific.

- Keep laughing, pal.
MATLOCK: Ha, ha, ha.

- Mr. Chase? CHASE: Yes?

- Hi, I'm Ben Matlock.
- Oh, how do you do, sir?

You were fantastic. I
haven't laughed that hard

since the first time I saw
you on the Ed Sullivan Show.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Thank you.

- So I did have an audience?
- Oh, yeah.

I thought I might have
wandered into a funeral home.

Oh, no. No.

Mr. Chase, uh, I'm supposed
to have dinner with you tonight.

Remember that charity
auction? Mine was the highest bid.

Oh, really, it was?

- What was it?
- Two hundred and 25 dollars.

CHASE: Phew.

Well, I guess my
standing isn't too bad.

[MATLOCK CHUCKLES]

Harvey, can I talk
to you for a moment?

CHASE: Not now, Kiki.

I'm afraid Clarence Darrow here
and I were about to go out to dinner.

Maybe some other time, huh?

- Look...
- Harvey.

Tomorrow night, here,
before the show, we'll talk.

Is that right? Okay?

You're not gonna be
here tomorrow night.

[SIGHS]

It's not gonna work, Harvey.

Another three nights like
tonight, this place will be toast.

I'm sorry.

Come here, Kiki.

Kiki, I wanna tell
you something.

You let me down.
You chintzed on me.

That's what you did.
You chintzed on me.

You ran one lousy four-inch
ad in the newspaper.

- Nobody knew I was here.
- Harvey.

Harvey, you know I love
you, but we are dying here.

Comedy has changed.

People come here expecting to
see what they see on cable, only live.

So who's gonna replace me?

I just got off the phone
with Billy Joe Walker.

Billy Joe Walker?

That toilet-mouthed bum.

He's doing a gig in
Tahoe next month,

wants a place to try
out some new material.

What new material?

All he does is scratch his butt,
grab himself and insult women.

And he packs the
house every night.

I'm sorry, Harvey, I really am.

I'll have your check
first thing in the morning.

She's wrong, Mr. Chase.

For what it's worth,
you're still tops in my book.

That's very kind of you,

but looks like your
book's out of circulation.

Uh...

How about taking a
rain check on that dinner?

I don't think I'd be a
barrel of laughs tonight.

Thank you, anyway.

There. We're gonna
cram three more in there

and, um, find me
a real skinny couple

and put them at
Table 10. Got it? Okay.

MAN: Kiki? Backstage,
we got a problem.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

- What the hell is going on in there?
- His wife.

She decided to come
see him tonight after all.

Get back to work.

I'm warning you, babe,
you better cut it out.

I've had it with you and your bimbos,
Billy Joe. This time, you're dead fish!

It's "meat," you dumb
broad, "dead meat."

Whatever!

Both of you knock it off.
They can hear you out front.

Give me that.

You never could swing
a golf club worth a damn.

Knock first next time, huh?

I'm gonna get you for this.

My wife, I think I'll beat her.

I mean, keep her.

You're on in 15 minutes.

Russell, ahem, what
are you doing here, man?

And what do you think?

You didn't have to come down
here. I told you I'd get it, didn't I?

Yeah. Several times.

I'll have it for you by the
end of the week. I swear, man.

I'm not lying. I swear.

[CLEARS THROAT]

MAN: Oh, here he comes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Joe Walker.

[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

BILLY JOE: Look at all you dudes
out there with your ladies, huh?

They picking up the tab?

[ALL LAUGHING]

No way, man, no way.

Not as long as they can con
you slobs into paying the freight.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Hey, man, do not get
me wrong. I love women.

I think every guy
should own one.

[LAUGHS]

Now, there's a good-looking
babe right down front.

Low mileage, nice paint
job, great set of headlights.

- Hey, pal, is this your wife?
- Yeah.

- What are you gonna do? Uh...
- Aww.

You got any, uh...? You
got any nude pictures of her?

MAN: Uh-uh.

You haven't? You
wanna buy some? I got...

I tell you, I was out with I
think the dumbest broad

I've ever been out with last
week. I'm out with her and, uh...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Well, well, well,
folks, look who's here.

Harvey Chase, boys and girls.

Did stand up back
in Neanderthal days.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

How you doing, Harvey?

Hear you bombed pretty
good last night. Heh, heh.

What, did you come
back to take notes?

Or you too busy copping a feel from
that blond bimbo sitting next to you?

Billy Joe, you like
four-letter words, don't you?

Did you ever hear of a
four-letter word called "soap"?

Only from a washed-up comic.

CROWD: Ooh.

You know, Billy Joe,
you got everything.

You ought to be quarantined.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

You're killing me. I'm gonna
make you eat those words,

soon as you put
your dentures back in.

CROWD: Ooh.

CHASE: You know what, Billy Joe?

From where I'm
sitting, you're really ugly.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And you're blotto.

Yeah, but I'll be sober
in the morning, heh.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Go on back to Jurassic
Park, old man, okay? Go, go.

I need you butting into my
act like you need a vasectomy.

CROWD: Whoa.

You lousy,
worthless, little punk.

I was bigger than
you'll ever be.

I was Broadway, television,
motion pictures, night clubs, Vegas.

- Take it easy.
- I can't take it easy.

Hey, Kiki, buy pops
a drink on me, huh?

CHASE: Oh, shut up.

Something that matches his
career, something on the rocks.

[CROWD MURMURING]

That guy's about as much fun
as passing a kidney stone. Unh!

Know what I'm saying?

All right, you freaks,
have another drink,

take care of your bodily
functions, fasten your seat belts,

because when I come back,
we're gonna rock and roll.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

MAN: Okay, okay, I'll
leave the jokes to Billy Joe.

Let me just tell you what's coming
up the next couple a weeks at Kiki's.

Showtime. Let's go.

Billy Joe.

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Here's another funny one.

When my cousin was arrested, I
asked him what the charge was,

and he said, "What
charge? Everything's free."

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, one time in New York, this
guy comes up to me and he says:

"Have you seen a cop
around here?" I said, "No."

So he said, "Stick them up."

[COPS LAUGHING]

Oh, I'm sorry.

You'll have to excuse
me. My lawyer's here.

A very brilliant attorney.

[COPS CHUCKLE]

Ben, did, uh, you get
everything cleared up?

That broken glass they found
on the floor next to Billy Joe's body

had traces of crème
de menthe in it.

[CHUCKLES]

That's a tasty drink.

Oh, can I go now?

Also had your
fingerprints all over it.

So you were
backstage that night?

I felt like a jerk for coming
unglued during the show.

It was very unprofessional.

So I had a few belts then I
went back to apologize to him.

- What'd he say?
- Never talked to him.

I knocked on the door
and I said it was me

but he didn't answer me.

So I said, to hell with it.

Then I went out the back door

and I walked over to the Squire's
Club to play cards. That's what I did.

Hmm.

Any idea what time it was?

Eleven or 12. I don't know.

- Is that important?
- Okay. Thank you very much.

Billy Joe was last
seen alive around 11:30.

If we can prove you were long
gone by then, you're home free.

Uh, any idea how your, um,

crème de menthe glass
got in that dressing room?

Not a clue.

Or how all those stains
got on your handkerchief?

- What stains?
- Crème de menthe and ink stains.

The police found a puddle
of crème de menthe on this,

this pad that, uh, Billy Joe was
writing on when he got clobbered.

They think the killer spilled the
drink and then tried to mop it up

and got ink all over
every place in the process.

Well, don't... Hold on.
No, no, it wasn't me.

And I don't know how
those stains got there.

You didn't use your
handkerchief at all that night?

I'd remember if I did.

I got a great memory,
heh, Mr. Murdoch.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, this is weird.

The police found a list of license
numbers in Billy Joe's wallet.

- License numbers?
- Yeah. They're checking on it.

- Find anything else?
- Nothing that will help us.

You said you went to the
Squire's Club to play cards.

- That's right.
- Who'd you play with?

A gentleman never
discusses who he plays with.

[ALL LAUGH]

CHASE: Marty Willis.

I worked with him in New York
back in the days of live television.

Call him. Tell him
we need to talk to him.

There's a phone in the
front room might be quieter.

- Want me to call him on the phone?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, here, I'll show you where it is.
- Oh, thank you.

- Okay.
- This way.

- Back through here?
- Yeah.

Guy cracks me up.

Well, that makes one of us.

You don't think he's funny?

Well, he's always
on. He never stops.

Yeah?

How about a little wager?

I'll bet by the time
this thing's over,

Harvey will have you
laughing as hard as me.

- Ten bucks.
- Ten bucks.

[MATLOCK CHUCKLES]

Harvey said you talked to
him several times that night.

Oh, yeah.

I felt horrible about that scene
between him and Billy Joe.

- I mean, it was ugly.
- Hmm.

Did you happen to
notice what time he left?

It was so crazy
in here that night,

Hillary Clinton could have
walked in, I wouldn't have noticed.

[CHUCKLES]

- Billy Joe really packed them in, huh?
- Did he ever.

I stood to clear 10 grand
a night by booking him.

Wow.

How'd you swing that, anyway?

I mean, why wasn't he
playing Vegas or something?

Oh, I lucked out. He was doing
this gig in Tahoe next month.

He wanted a place to
try out some new material.

Since I'd given him a break
when he was an absolute nobody,

he gave me a break,
stepped in for Harvey.

[SIGHS]

Big mistake.

- Booking Billy Joe?
- Booking Harvey.

I was trying to do something
novel, something different.

I figured Harvey'd come across
as so unhip, he'd be hip. Heh.

You know what I mean?

I think I do.

I was wrong.

Harvey just came across as old.

Marty and I used to be a team.

But we decided to break up

so we could remain
good friends instead.

Harv, did I tell you?
I got a new girlfriend.

You're kidding. You're still
chasing women at your age?

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, dogs chase cars
but they can't drive.

- Oh, funny, funny. Funny.
MATLOCK: Heh, heh, heh.

Maybe we'd better
get down to business.

My business has
always been down.

Even when your business was
up, your business was down.

Ha, ha, okay, okay.

Now, Mr. Willis, do you
remember what time it was

when Harvey came over here to
play cards with you two nights ago?

Now, let's see, uh, it was
around, uh, 12:30, I think.

[MOUTHS] No, no.

Or it might have been
a little later than that.

I mean, earlier.
Earlier than that.

- Around 11.11...
[MOUTHS] No.

15?

The truth is, you don't
know, do you, Mr. Willis?

No.

That's why the act broke up.

The dummy can't remember
one line unless it's on a cue card.

You told him on the
phone what to say?

All I asked you to
say was one lousy line,

to remember that you were
with me from 11:15 to 12:30.

Let's go.

That's all he had to remember
was just one lousy line.

He's pitiful.
Pitiful, that's all.

CLIFF: I understand
that you and your husband

had a fight the
night that he died.

I fought with my
husband every night.

Did you always go
after him with a golf club?

I found him cheating
on me. I lost my temper.

Oh.

Mrs. Walker, who's
in the bathroom?

- No one.
- No one.

Then, um, why are
you wearing lipstick

and there's none on that
cigarette you just put out?

- Come on out. JEREMY: Yeah?

Put a towel on.

[CLIFF CLEARS THROAT]

[WALKER LAUGHS]

This is Jeremy.

JEREMY: Hi.
- How you doing?

WALKER: We've been
friends for almost a year now.

Oh.

Well, what's good for the
duck is good for the dander.

What's good for the goose
is good for the gander?

Whatever.

I threw that scene
in the dressing room

because it would have made
Billy Joe suspicious if I hadn't.

I didn't want him to know
I was cheating on him.

Lousy creep would have
dumped me, left me with nothing,

which is what I
ended up with anyway.

You're his spouse. Aren't
you entitled to all of his assets?

[WALKER LAUGHS]

Assets?

Billy Joe is tapped, baby,
to the tune of half a million.

- Dollars?
- He liked to play golf. For money.

But he was too stupid to
realize he was a lousy player.

Wound up owing some
loan shark 500 grand.

Come to think of it,
he was there that night.

Who? The loan shark?

Yeah. Russ Tyler, a local boy.

Must have been putting the
muscle on him or something.

He owed somebody
a half-million dollars.

Yeah. Russ Tyler, a loan shark.
We're searching for him as we speak.

Billy Joe must be
under a lot of pressure.

Yeah. Oh, remind me
to call Detective Crowley.

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

That list of license plate
numbers that Billy had in his wallet

belonged to stolen cars.

CLIFF: What was he doing
with a list of stolen cars?

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

I'm sorry to bother you.
I'm looking for Harvey.

MATLOCK: He have
you cook up another story?

MARTY: Oh, no.

I discovered I'm worse at
perjury than I am at gin rummy.

- Is he here?
- I haven't seen him since this morning.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh?

Well, I was worried about
him. I couldn't find him.

So I got the manager to
let me into his apartment.

His clothes and all of
his joke files are gone.

I'm afraid he may
have left town.

- He jumped bail?
- Well, he couldn't jump far.

He can't drive and
he's petrified of flying.

ROY: I hate to disturb you, but I
wondered if you would be so kind...

I'd be very, very, very happy
to. Uh, what's your name?

- Roy.
- Roy.

Harvey Chase.

Here you are, sir.

Well, actually, I just
wondered if you could tell me

how to get to the Park
View Hotel from here.

Oh.

Draw you a map.

- There you are.
- Thank you.

MAN [OVER PA]: Your
attention in the terminal, please.

We will now begin
boarding line 1565,

service to New Orleans
at Door Number 3.

All ticket holders, please
board now. Door Number 3.

Over there.

Mr. Chase?

Mr. Chase.

Harvey, I know you're in there.

CHASE: My name is Irving.

And go away, or I'll have you
arrested for sexual harassment.

Come on, Mr. Chase.

Hey.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah?

Can you tell me where
I can find Russ Tyler?

- Hmm.
- Thank you.

[GRUNTING]

- You Russ Tyler?
- Yep.

I'm, uh, Ben Matlock, lawyer,
represent Harvey Chase.

That right?

Uh, I understand Billy Joe
Walker is a customer of yours.

Maybe.

And I hear that you were at Kiki's
club the night he was murdered.

So?

Well, maybe you went there
to get the money he owed you,

and he told you to go fly a
kite, only maybe not so nice,

and maybe that made
you mad, real mad.

If somebody were to
make me mad enough

to forget that they owed
me a half a million bucks,

I'd have ripped them
apart with my bare hands,

not beaned them
with a golf club.

Well, maybe you wanted
to frame somebody,

like maybe an old man who had
just had a fight with him in public.

Billy Joe was still
on stage when I left.

You can ask the guy who
was parking cars that night.

I drive a big red Mercedes,
and I'm a very good tipper.

He'll remember.

And get out of
the way of my bag.

MATLOCK: Oh.

[GRUNTING]

I can't budge him.

Well, you can't give up.

Well, he's got to come
out of there some time.

Well, I don't intend to wait.

Mr. Chase.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Miss Rice.

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

[SWITCH CLICKS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
IN MATLOCK'S MIND]

[MATLOCK CLEARS THROAT]

Evening, folks. How y'all?

Me, I'm getting a
little absent-minded.

Last night, I kissed the
cat and put my wife out.

[CHUCKLES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
IN MATLOCK'S MIND]

I have this friend of mine, takes
his wife everywhere he goes.

Can't stand to kiss her goodbye.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
IN MATLOCK'S MIND]

No, really.

I'm getting a little long in
the tooth, like George Burns.

I order three-minute eggs
and the waitress has me, uh...

Oh, the waitress
wants me to, uh...

KIKI: To put up front money.
- Yeah. Put up...

Not bad, Mr. Matlock. Has
Harvey been giving you lessons?

Oh, no. It's just... Heh, heh.

It's just... I mean, I
saw the microphone,

and the ham in me
just naturally took over.

Happens to everybody.
Nice to see you again.

Nice to see you again.

I need to talk to the person
who was parking cars here

the night of the murder.

Oh, let me see.

Oh, that would be Rick Evans.
Do you want his phone number?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

[SWITCH CLICKS]

He in some kind of trouble?

Oh, no, I'm just
trying to find out if one

of our suspects is
telling the truth is all.

- Oh, well, here you go.
- Thank you.

How's Harvey doing?

He's fine. He's
full of surprises.

Well, next time you see him,
tell him I'm still pulling for him.

I will.

Next time I see him,
I'll tell him a lot of things.

What the hell.

That's it, Harvey. Come
out of there this instant.

CHASE: Leanne?
- Out, Harvey, right now.

No. You get out.

This is the men's room.

I'm not leaving
here without you.

Send Cliff back in.

At least he laughs at my jokes.

Harvey, now you listen to me.

If you leave town, Kiki is gonna lose all
the money that she put up for your bail.

That's $50,000.

She can't afford that, Harvey.

She's gonna lose the club.
She is gonna lose everything.

Now, is that what you want?

Well, is it?

You know, you're
just like my first wife.

She had the same annoying
habit of being right all the time.

Well...

Sir, don't blame her.

You gotta forgive
her. It's my fault.

You see, when I kiss her earlobe,
she follows me everywhere. Heh, heh.

Come on.

How could you even
think of jumping bail?

I wasn't thinking.

Didn't you realize how guilty
it would have made you look?

I just suddenly felt like
going someplace. That's all.

Do you want to spend the
rest of your life in prison?

You're giving me heartburn.
I hope you're happy.

Harvey, that handkerchief with the
crème de menthe and ink stains on it,

how did it wind
up in your pocket?

You got me.

Who hates you enough
to frame you for murder?

[SCOFFS]

That's easy.

My first wife and the audience
at the Blue Mill in Newark.

- That was in 1932.
- Harvey, this is important.

Maybe somebody picked
your pocket, or something.

Do you remember anybody
jostling you that night?

Believe me, I'd
remember if I was jostled.

At my age, jostling is about
the closest thing I can get to sex.

Stop it, Harvey.

What's it take to get you
serious? A trip to the hospital?

Ben, please, don't bring that
up. Hospitals, to me... I hate them.

The last time I was in the
hospital, the food was so bad

I begged them to
feed me intravenously.

But what the hell. I
got group insurance.

I get a hundred grand
if I die in a group.

Like this guy I knew that...

I'm sorry, Ben.

I can't help it.

It's a reflex.

Seems to me it's more like your
way of burying your head in the sand.

I've had it all my lifetime.

The star treatment, the works.

So much comes with being famous.

It's like a golden basket filled with
all kinds of wonders and goodies.

Glamour, expensive clothes,
big cars, big homes, women.

[CHUCKLES]

So many women.

There was this redhead in Des
Moines, with the biggest pair of...

Then, one day, that
golden basket is empty.

Everything's gone.

No spotlights. No TV
shows. No women. Nothing.

All stolen by time.

Then you suddenly
realize you've gone through

the five stages
of show business.

Uh... "Who's Harvey Chase?"

"Get me Harvey Chase."

"Get me a young Harvey Chase."

"Get me a Harvey Chase type."

"Who's Harvey Chase?"

Three wives, two dogs
and a blind parakeet,

all flown the coop.

When everything else deserts,

a man has got to have
at least one thing left,

his dignity, a reason
for being alive.

My only dignity is
making people laugh.

It's my bread and butter.

I need laughter to live.

It's all I have left.

I want to help you.

But you have to help me.

Now, which pocket was
that handkerchief of yours in

when the police took
it away from you?

The top pocket of my coat,
the same place as it always is.

And it was there when you
went to Kiki's? You're sure?

I'm positive.

And you didn't use
it at all that night?

I don't rem... I don't
know. I don't know.

- Maybe you let somebody else use it.
- I said, I don't remember, Ben.

You've got to. Now, think.

You don't understand.

After Toilet Mouth
humiliated me like that,

I just didn't drink that
bottle of crème de menthe.

I crawled into it.

I was smashed.

I'm sorry.

My nephew, he used to
drive my car sometimes.

Was he driving it the
night it was stolen?

Nobody was driving it.
It was parked right there,

right in front of this house
when the bum stole it.

- You're not his lawyer, are you?
- Whose? The bum?

No. Oh, no, no, no. I
work for someone else.

Your car was on a list of cars

that may or may not have
something to do with my client's case.

Um...

- Did you, uh, ever get the car back?
- No.

Police caught the bum.

But they said all the cars that he stole,
he took apart and sold the pieces. Heh.

My nephew said he was gonna take
him apart if he ever sees him again.

He knew the guy?

Oh, yeah, the bum used to park
cars at this, uh, club Joey goes to.

Uh...
- Cookie's...
- Kiki's.

Kiki's. Yeah.

Place where you sit there
and listen to people tell jokes.

Yeah. I know.

I know.

Listen to this headline.

"Murder no joke.

Laugh King Harvey
Chase goes on trial today

for the slaying of
comic Billy Joe Walker."

[SCOFFS]

If he was a comic,
then I'm a brain surgeon.

Now, that's just the kind of wise
crack I don't want you making in court.

I want you to sit there with a
nice pleasant look on your face

so the jury thinks you're
a nice pleasant person.

Don't forget. Your whole
future is in their hands.

Terrific.

I'm being judged
by a dozen people

who don't have the brains
enough to get out of jury duty.

I'm sorry, Ben. I'm
sorry what I just said.

I'm just trying to get everything
out of my system. That's all.

- Time to go.
- Ben.

I want to thank you.

And, Ben, may I say
that whatever happens,

I just want you to know that I
appreciate what you've done for me,

everything that
you've done for me.

And if... If I... If I...

[SNEEZES]

Heh, don't worry, Ben.

It's a gag.

Your handkerchief
is still clean.

Look at it.

I was faking it.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You're laughing.

- Oh, you thought that was funny, huh?
- No, I didn't.

But I loved it.

Miss Rice, will you please tell
the court who Mark Hefler is.

He used to be a valet at my
club. He used to parked cars.

I understand he was a
friend of Billy Joe Walker's.

- That's right. He was.
- Hmm.

Oh, where is, uh, Mark
Hefler now? Do you know?

I believe he's in prison.

How come?

- He got caught stealing cars.
- Oh.

Did you know he was a car thief?

Heh, of course not.

You know, in asking
around, just checking,

I discovered that all these stolen
cars had something in common.

At one time or another,
they'd all been parked

in the lot next to
your comedy club.

- Now, I wonder why that was.
- I have no idea.

Well, could be that Mark Hefler
made impressions of the keys

from the more valuable
cars he was parking,

and then made duplicate
keys when he went home

and then used those duplicate keys
to steal those cars later at his leisure.

Now, that could be. Couldn't it?

Oh, yeah, I guess it could.

And all those stolen cars had
something else in common too.

The police found a list of all
their license plate numbers

in Billy Joe Walker's wallet
after he was murdered.

Now, wonder why
he had a list like that?

How the heck should I know?

Well, Mark Hefler
was his friend.

Could be that he told him about
the thing he had going with the cars

and Billy Joe needing
money, and needing it bad,

figured out how
to get that money,

by blackmailing
somebody, um, like you.

He wasn't blackmailing me.

He didn't threaten
to go to the police

and tell them that you not
only knew about the car thefts,

but you were taking
a piece of the action?

That's not true.

A police investigation, whether
it turned up anything or not,

would have ruined you. I
know that. You know that.

Billy Joe, he knew that too.

That's the real reason
he stepped in for Harvey.

He found a way to bleed you
dry, and he took it, didn't he?

That's a lie.

What was his cut, anyway?
Was it 80 percent, 90 percent?

HARRINGTON: Objection.

Your Honor, I enjoy a good fishing
expedition as much as the next person,

but, really.

But, really, Miss Harrington,
fishing expedition?

I was just asking this
nice lady some questions.

Your Honor, could
you make him stop?

Mr. Matlock, don't make me.

Don't make you do
what, Your Honor?

Throw you out of this
courtroom. Objection sustained.

Well, how about if I just slip
right on down to the proof part?

If you have a proof part, by
all means, slip right on down.

Yes, sir. I'll just whiz
right on down to it.

Right here.

This handkerchief

with all the crème de menthe
stains on it and the ink stains on it.

The one somebody slipped
out of Harvey's pocket

the night he had the
fight with Billy Joe Walker.

- That wasn't me.
- I bet it was.

I bet you eased that
handkerchief out of his pocket

and then very gently took that glass
of crème de menthe out of his hand

and then walked on down the
big road to Billy Joe's dressing room

and murdered him so he
couldn't blackmail you anymore.

No. I didn't.

And then I bet you took
Harvey's handkerchief

and wiped your fingerprints off
the golf club you used to kill him with,

and then took the glass
of crème de menthe,

dropped it on the
pad he was writing on,

then took Harvey's handkerchief,

[TAPPING TABLE]

mopped up the crème de menthe,

making sure you
got plenty of ink on it.

- No.
- And then put it in your purse,

went back out to the club,
gave Harvey one more big hug,

slipped it in his pocket.

- That's a lie.
- Objection, Your Honor.

That's not proof. That's
random speculation.

It's not random
speculation, Your Honor.

I've said it's part of the proof, and
here's the rest of the proof right here.

HARRINGTON: Your Honor.
- Okay. What's in the sack?

How about showing
us what's in the sack?

Please tell the
court what that is.

It looks like one of my purses.

It's one of your purses.

The police found it in your
closet just a little while ago.

[SNIFFS]

Mm.

Smells like crème
de menthe, don't it?

Oh, I probably spilled some
on it at the club one night.

But the smell's
not on the outside.

It's on the inside.

Smell it. Smell it. Mmm.

Ain't that sweet? Ah.

The police identified that stain
as a crème de menthe stain,

and this darker stain right here,
they identified that as an ink stain.

The same ink stain as is
on Harvey's handkerchief

and on the pad Billy Joe was
writing on when he was murdered.

Now, how can that be, Miss Rice?

How could that be?

Unless you murdered
Billy Joe, just like I said,

and then put Harvey's
handkerchief back in the purse,

went back out front so
you could plant it on Harvey.

You saw a way to
save yourself from ruin

and frame a man whose life you
considered was already over, anyway,

and you took it, didn't you?

- We find the defendant not guilty.
- Yeah.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen, for a job well done.

- This court is adjourned.
- There you are, Harvey.

- Your Honor, could I say a few words?
- Harvey, no.

JUDGE: Well, I suppose.

I'd like to say, I've enjoyed
all of this. I'd like to, but I can't.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Thank you. Oh, what a
crowd, what an opening night.

It's great room,
this Bleedo Room.

I'm so happy.

And I'll tell you why I'm happy.

Well, there's two reasons.

I'm happy being here.

And the other reason I'm happy is last
month, are you ready, I had a birthday.

I was 82.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Thank you very much.

And I wanna tell you guys in the
audience that sex at 82 is terrific,

especially the
one in the winter.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But it wasn't always that way.

My second wife, Louise, she
was very romantic, very romantic.

We made love almost
every day in the week.

It's true.

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, this I must tell
you. And it's the truth.

And if it's not the truth, I should
drop dead on this spot, heh.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One night, this is the truth,
Louise and I made love

for one hour and three minutes.

That's right, sir. One
hour and three minutes.

Of course, that's the night
they turn back the clocks.

[ALL LAUGHING]