Masters of Sex (2013–2016): Season 4, Episode 4 - Coats or Keys - full transcript

[Johnson] Previously on Masters of Sex...

We have to hire new people.

New partners.

Pleasure to meet you. Nancy Leveau.

Art Dreesen.

Wish me luck on my first day.

Good luck, baby.

I don't understand.

They're married.

I don't know why

you're sending
yourself flowers from Dan,



and I'm not asking.

I can't remember the
last time I satisfied her.

- And you would prefer he...
- Take control.

Say what he wants.

Are you sure you want me to?

Honestly, I can barely feel you.

- [loud slapping]
- Ouch! Gary, stop!

- That is enough!
- [screams]

Uh, Virginia and Dan never married.

You knew Virginia
would never give up her work,

and I knew Dan
would always return to me.

We predicted it, and we were right.

My husband and I, we have an agreement,

an arrangement,



and that is nobody's
business but our own.

I'm also in an open marriage,
so I judge no one, ever.

[sultry music]

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

[man snoring]

[snoring continues]

- [grunts]
- [together] You okay?

[Kyle] Do you need help?

[Lyle] Are you all right to drive?

Some night, eh?

Looks like you got lucky after all, huh?

[light jazzy music]

Shit!

♪ ♪

Wh... one... damn it.

♪ ♪

[woman] Operator.

Hello. May I have the number

for the Checker Cab Company please?

You had them all along?

♪ ♪

[Masters] Well...

I didn't see the night
ending this way. Did you?

The two of us here like this?

Well, I hope you're
capable of changing your ways.

Otherwise, I really don't
think this arrangement is gonna last.

Did you sleep at all?

14, 16... you haven't opened the piano.

Not yet. I will.

Art, could you do it now?

There's no time to get everything
done after work.

Oh, shoot. Okay, now I've lost count.

Two, four, six, eight, ten...

What's got you so worried?

Virginia was sure he's not coming.

- You're certain?
- She said Bill doesn't

make appearances unless
he's being honored for something.

Even then, he arrives
late, leaves after the photo.

We're in the clear.

And Virginia is bringing someone?

I do not want to end up with
an odd number like last time.

I think it's a good sign that
she's coming. Don't you?

She wouldn't have said
yes if she were still mad

about us hiding that we're married.

Did she say who she is bringing?

Nope.

But you're sure she
understood to bring a date?

- Yep.
- How do you know?

Because I winked and licked my lips,

and then I used the
special swingers' handshake

She understood, Nance. Believe me.

- [elevator dings]
- It's just a casual

get-together with a
few of their neighbors.

Don't worry. You're
already off the hook.

I told them that you're
not one for parties.

Morning, Lester.

You know, you really
don't have to concern yourself

about my social calendar, Virginia.

I'm sorry. I thought that
I was doing you a favor.

I'm sure if you want to go...

God, no. Of course I don't want to go.

[sighs]

Besides, I have the children tonight.

Oh. That's probably why
Libby invited me to a movie.

We're meeting at Art and Nancy's first.

Lester, are you going?

I wasn't invited.

Well, I'm inviting you.

Art made quite a point of insisting

that I don't come alone.

Why don't you bring your husband, then?

I was going to, but he's stuck in Miami.

A lot of swamps in Florida.

Lester, just come. I'm
sure the more, the merrier.

And bring Jane. I haven't
seen her in a while.

Yeah, you and me both.

We're ships that pass in the morning

after she's back from
cavorting with her male lover.

[elevator dings]

Did I tell you she has a male lover?

[Masters] What's all this?

This? This isn't even half of it.

He also got into Howie's box spring,

and he shat... He shat, Bill...

In Barbie's Dream House.

Well, he is a
puppy. What did you expect?

Well, for starters,
Bill, I didn't expect you

to buy the kids a dog
without asking my permission first.

Libby, Baxter is strictly the
children's responsibility.

- [scoffs]
- No, I made that

very clear to them

before we even left the pet
store, and they promised.

Which shows exactly how
much you know about children.

They will say anything.

I mean, Jenny promised me

she would stop making
fun of Howie's bangs

if I let her watch 15 more
minutes of television,

and the second the show was over,

she was calling him Moe Howard.

- I don't know who that is.
- Because you are not

in the trenches with these children

day in and day out the way that I am.

All right, I will, um... [clears throat]

I'll talk to the kids tonight
when I pick them up.

I will make it crystal
clear what is expected of them.

- [scoffs]
- But really, you know,

it's always tough at
the beginning with a pet.

You just have to show him who's boss.

[Johnson] And this past
week since your session?

It's been awful.

Gary and I have barely spoken.

I don't know what to say to her.

I've apologized, but I
think at the same time,

she owes me an apology too, you know?

Not the response she expected to elicit.

I wanted him to act like a real man.

Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

The husband's the strong one,

and the wife's more demure?

Well, I'm not sure

that a woman who's truly demure

would insist on being dominated.

Is there any particular
reason, anything in your background

that would make you think
this is how a couple should behave?

You asked about my dad.

He worked the line at
Birdseye for 40 years.

I used to think all that
time watching peas and carrots

roll past on a conveyer belt

made him real good at
finding fault in an instant.

Mom got the brunt of it.

Gave her a black eye once
for dog-earing a paperback.

Can you imagine?

Unfortunately, I can.

I've known men like that.

It never occurred to me that
any woman would ever want

to be treated that way.

Fran, of all people, she
always seemed so easygoing.

Even on our first date...

He asked if he could order for me,

and my heart skipped a beat.

I thought, "Oh, yeah, he's
a take-charge kind of guy."

And that appealed to you?

Well, you wouldn't ask that

if you'd seen my mother in a restaurant

ordering for my dad.

"Howard will have the lo mein."

And him just opening and
closing his mouth like a guppy.

She laid out his clothes in the morning.

She wrote out what to say to his boss

when he asked for a raise.

He used to say he was
5'11" when they got married,

but he'd be buried in a child's coffin.

That's how much she'd
cut him down to size.

[Gary] I wanted a "honey,
I'm home" type of marriage.

A husband kisses his wife at the door,

tells her how
delicious her pot roast is.

And before they have sex,

he asks if she's in the mood,

and if she's not, that's fine.

There's tomorrow.

I wanted to show her love and respect.

All the things your father never did.

[Fran] I wanted him to take charge.

I wanted him to put his pleasure first,

to... to be the man
so I could feel like...

Like you weren't your mother.

Well, it certainly explains why
she wanted a man to take charge.

And why he couldn't
possibly be that man.

I mean, it's... It's
remarkable, actually.

They couldn't be more
wrong for each other,

each one wanting something the other is

constitutionally incapable of giving.

If only they'd been able to let
down their guard with each other

when they first met.

Well, I'm sure they didn't understand

how their childhoods had affected them.

That kind of insight
takes a long time to develop.

And for you?

What did it take?

It took, uh...

a while.

What?

I thought that you were going
to say that it took me

to ask the right questions and
make you feel safe enough

to reveal your secrets.

I've told you mine.

Not all of them, I'm sure.

Well, certainly you
know why I'm the right person

to treat a woman with a
steamroller of a mother,

don't you?

How do we treat
them? That's the question.

Is there any point to
further sensate therapy?

No. It's too traumatic for
him to engage with her physically,

knowing what she
wants from him sexually.

- Agreed.
- So then what?

I mean, where do they go from here?

Do they love each
other enough to make it work?

No, the question isn't, do
they love each other enough?"

It's, are they willing to truly engage

in the work of intimacy?

To stand naked in front of each
other outside the bedroom?

Are they capable of reflection,

of... of change?

Are they able to let go
of and forgive each other

for the hurt and
disappointment that's brought them here?

I'll set another appointment with them,

and we'll see.

You have the kids tonight, you say?

Mm. I'm taking them to
see something called, uh...

The Love Bug?

In case you were wondering,

it's about a Volkswagen,

not an epidemic.

You don't have to dig into
your private stash.

I'm sure there'll be a full bar.

What if there's a line?

[jazzy piano music playing]

Oh, Helen says the smell of this stuff

makes her retch these days.

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

Ah, which is too bad, 'cause
the way she usually gets

through her folks' visits is with
the help of her boyfriend,

Jim Beam.

Jane has a boyfriend. Did
I tell you his name?

[together] Corky St. Angeles.

Well, did I tell you he produces
that piece of shit kids' show...

[both] Farmer Philo's Feed Bag.

- Yeah.
- You might have mentioned it.

- [doorbell rings]
- She screws him,

comes home with
balloon animals for the kids.

Is that sick, or what?

I'll make a deal with
you, Lester, honey.

- [doorbell rings]
- You try to get Corky

out of your mind, and I'll try to forget

about the salesman who
Helen's parents think knocked her up.

- ...and then left town.
- And then high-tailed it

out of town.

You usually say "high-tailed it."

Come on in. The water is warm.

I'm Lyle Schwartz.

I'm Kyle O'Brien.

[both laugh]

I'm kidding. We're brothers.

Oh, uh, how does anyone tell you apart?

Well, one of us is circumcised...

And the other isn't.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

- [woman] All right.
- [man] Yeah.

- Oh, no thank you.
- No.

♪ ♪

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Oh, hey.

♪ ♪

- Knock, knock.
- Hey, you two.

How's it looking in there?

It's an attractive
crowd. Not a beast in the bunch.

So what's it gonna be tonight? Keys?

Well, that got confusing
last time since some of the wives

drove their husbands.

Well, how about this
time the men get to pick, huh?

We have all those coats
piled in the guest room.

Coats it is.

You didn't have to wait outside.

You could've gone in without me.

And walk into a
party where I know no one?

Well, you know Betty and Lester.

I just need to say a
quick hello to the host.

Grab a bite to eat if you're hungry.

We'll cut out with plenty
of time to catch the movie.

- [man] May I take your coats?
- Oh, that's all right.

We're not staying long.

Oh, we don't want to
cart them around, do we?

Thank you.

Do you think there
are any single men here?

[man] Don't you worry. We'll
have you home before sunrise.

Probably a few. Are you in the market?

I think I might be ready...

at least to flirt.

Be fun to flirt, don't you think?

Well, good thing we brought two cars.

Jane has that
blouse. It's probably hanging

off of Corky St.
Angeles' lampshade right now.

Care for some crap?

I think they're called crepes.

Wait till you taste 'em.

♪ ♪

Virginia, you've come!

Indeed, I have. What a
beautiful place you have.

Uh, have you met Libby? Libby, Nancy.

Are you the woman Michael has
been telling us so much about?

Michael?

You're not the dental hygienist
from Kansas City?

No. Libby's with me.

I'm sorry?

[Libby] I came with Virginia.

[Johnson] Is that a problem?

Art encouraged me to bring a friend.

No, it's not a problem at
all. Let's get you two some drinks.

We've hired this wonderful bartender

who does amazing things with tequila.

Michael, I thought this
lovely woman was your girlfriend.

Lisa? No. We split up.

She kept insisting she
was my rebound after Erica.

Uh, my wife. Well, ex-wife.

So you're here alone?

I am so sorry about that,

but it does really
help with our numbers.

Michael Schaeffer, this is Virginia...

Now do you go by Johnson or
Logan outside the office?

How old-fashioned is
that husband of yours?

Dan's fine with either, so
I've stuck with Johnson.

Dan Logan is your husband?

[laughing]

I'll be damned. Uh, the three of us

are supposed to be having dinner
next week in New York.

We are?

Mike. Mike
Schaeffer. He didn't mention it?

No... of course. Mike.

Mike Schaeffer. Yes.

Hey, I suggested a restaurant,

but he said you were a fabulous cook.

He said Virginia was?

I make one or two things well.

That reminds me, I have
completely forgotten

to leave dinner
instructions with the babysitter.

If you'll excuse me,
may I use your phone?

In the kitchen... I'll show you.

[Nancy] Harry... and
Linda, don't you look pretty!

Coats in the bedroom, everyone.

Hi. Libby Masters.

I'm also divorced.

Does seem to be going around these days.

John? Jenny?

Howie? Come on, shake a leg.

[puppy yipping and growling]

[puppy whining]

Howie?

Jenny?

Kids?

[puppy barks]

You having fun?

Betty met Mookie.

Yeah. Very big with the hand
gestures, that Mookie.

- Do we have any seltzer?
- Guess what, honey.

Turns out Mike Schaeffer knows
Virginia's husband, Dan.

- [Art] Is that right?
- [Nancy] They're all getting

together in New York in a few weeks.

You know, we'd love to meet Dan,

maybe the next time he's in St. Louis.

Great.

Hey, Nance, uh, I could
use your help for a sec.

Will you excuse me a moment?

You know what works even
better than seltzer, Art,

is ginger ale.

Give me one sec.

Ginger ale does not get out stains.

I know that.

What?

Really? You want me to say it?

[gentle piano music playing]

What are you gonna do when this
Mike guy gets back from New York

and says to these two,

"Hey, guess who isn't
married to Dan Logan."

Shh, shh, shh.

She thinks I don't know where
they're coming from.

Oh.

Like a person could actually just,

in the course of their normal life,

bump into that many
people who make balloon animals.

You know what the ironic thing is?

Do you?

Well, do you?

♪ ♪

What is the ironic thing?

I got the tickets

for her and little Hugo to
see the stupid fucking show.

- Are you gonna finish that?
- I was...

[Lester] I'll grab us a couple more.

You don't think that
six months is too soon

to get seriously
involved with someone new?

Ah, you sound like Lisa. Look, I swear

I wasn't rebounding, all right?

I mean, she was just
threatened by how close Erica and I are.

- You mind?
- Oh, no.

[indistinct chatter, polite applause]

We actually renewed our vows.

You and your ex?

Yep. It was Erica's therapist's idea

to do it for Nicky and Aaron.

- Uh-huh.
- We solemnly pledged

to love each other, not
as husband and wife,

but as best friends.

You actually had a ceremony?

That is so beautiful.

And how about you?

How about you and your ex?

Are you close?

Uh, uh... very close.

Yeah, extremely close.

Bill and I have found, um...

Um, his name is Bill.

But as long as we can sit down
and take each other by the hand

and really just say, you know,

"Honey, you know how much I
love you and I value you,"

um, then everything
that comes after that

just goes so much more easily.

Yeah, there's no moving on until
you're good with your ex.

- [man] Come on in.
- Mm.

[indistinct chatter]

Um, Mike, do you mind...

Just switch places with
you really quick?

Libby Masters?

Boy... girl...

Boy? Girl? I can't tell.

Boy's or girl's?

Mm. Oh, that's, uh, Debbie DeLaurio's.

She and Glenn just got
back from a cruise in Acapulco.

They say buffet adds a pound a day.

I'd say they were
gone about a month. You?

Easy. Art happens to like a woman

with a little meat on her bones.

You know what I like.

What do you like?

I like you.

You know, sooner or later,
just statistically speaking,

it's gonna be, you know, us.

You and me.

Got it?

The fix is in.

Two olives.

[indistinct chatter]

Coats, huh? Well, I dig it.

[chuckles] Well, well, well.

I have to say you're the
last person I expected to find

at a party like this.

Party like what?

Oh, well, I occasionally imbibe.

You know, as shrewd a judge of character

as I consider myself to be,

I have to admit I have
seriously misjudged you,

Libby Masters.

- Bram Keller. How do you do?
- Yeah. Nice to meet you.

Definitely more to this
lady than meets the eye.

- Mike.
- You'd think prim and proper,

wouldn't you, Ike, just
based on outward appearances?

But I am telling you, this one, inside,

is a roiling cauldron of rage.

You just tap her ever
so slightly, and...

[imitates explosion] Mount Etna.

That is not true. That's not true.

Mr. Keller and I recently
had a very unpleasant dealing.

I'm representing her ex in a lawsuit,

and this one would rather see
him strung up by his ball sack

than lift a finger to help.

I... that's not at all...

Hey, no apologies
necessary. I, for one, find

a beautiful woman with a
filthy mouth extremely appealing.

Are you and Mark here an item?

- Uh, no, we're not.
- We just met each other.

In fact, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna get a refill.

- Oh, great. Great idea.
- Would you bring me another...

Hey, pal, if you want to do a
little do-si-do with Gloria,

the gal I walked in here with,

she's got quite a beaver.

What?

Her coat is beaver.

Care to tell me what yours looks like?

My coat...

is a plaid cape.

Why on earth would
you want to know that?

Do you really not know what
kind of party this is?

[lively piano music playing]

I'm going to clear
all this up about Dan.

I am. Soon.

Soon is too far away.

[sighs]

Virginia, there's no
shame in it not working out.

In fact, there's a certain kind of honor

in recognizing right at the beginning

that a marriage is not meant to be

and ending it.

Dan and I didn't get married.

It never got that far.

Well, you at least got to tell Bill.

He's gonna find out, Virginia.

It's better if he finds out from you.

For the life of me, I can't figure out

why Helen would rather risk

her parents finding
out about me by accident

than just sitting them down

and telling them the truth.

- [doorbell rings]
- I'll tell him. I will.

Tomorrow.

[door clicks, man speaking indistinctly]

No time like the present.

♪ ♪

- Hiya, Bill.
- [Bill] Where are the kids?

Um, Jenny's at her
friend Rebecca's house,

and Howie and Johnny are
at Tommy Hershfeld's.

- Excuse me.
- Well, they were supposed to be

with me tonight, you
knew I'd made plans with them.

- You didn't think to call?
- [stammers]

It must have slipped my mind, Bill.

Excuse me. Is there a
black and white cape back there?

So you made me go all
the way over there?

I'm sorry, Bill. Did I selfishly
inconvenience you?

Did I thoughtlessly capitulate
to the children

without any concern for
how it affected you?

- Where you going?
- Home.

[glass clinking]

- [man] Ooh.
- [man] Oh, here we go.

Okay!

Okay, everybody. Settle
down, boys and girls.

[Nancy chuckles]

Now, before we get started,

we have a few newcomers tonight.

- [woman] Ooh, la-la.
- So let's review the procedure.

- Art?
- Okay, well,

tonight it's gentlemen's choice.

- All right!
- Whoo!

[Art] No do-overs unless you
get the person you came with.

Do you want to mention the twins?

[man] Double trouble.

If Kyle and Lyle pick
you, be forewarned... boys?

[together] We do everything together.

- [women all gasp]
- [Nancy] So you are allowed

to bow out if that's
not your cup of tea.

Holy shit. It's a
fucking key party with coats.

Holy shit.

What does that mean?

It means, Lester, dear,

your night is about to get much better.

[Nancy] Everyone makes his or her way

back home by 6:00?

Now, Art, host's choice:

you want to go first, or
you want to pick last?

- I want to pick first.
- [man] That a boy.

Guy, can I get a
little drumroll, please?

[suspenseful piano music]

[laughter and light applause]

♪ ♪

[dramatic piano flourish]

- [applause and laughter]
- [woman] Whose is it?

Who does this belong to?

Whose is this?

- [indistinct chatter]
- [woman] No.

Come on. Don't be shy.

- Anyone?
- [woman] Not mine.

- [man] All right.
- [excited chatter]

[woman] Yeah, there she is.

[laughing]

Looks like someone's anxious
to get this show on the road.

- [all laugh]
- [man] Let the games begin.

Enjoy him.

It's here somewhere.

Are you sure it's on this block?

I parked it near a tree.

Wait.

Is that... that's it.

I found it.

Okay. You're not
driving. Give me the keys.

You don't even have a license.

Well, look.

I think the options
are I risk going to jail

or you risk ending up in a ditch.

How long do you think they'd
put you away for?

Bram, was it?

You'll have to forgive my tan lines.

No one on the ship warned us

how strong the sun is on the equator.

[indistinct chatter]

- Uh...
- [exclaims and applause]

Anyone? Anyone?

[man] Come on. Don't be shy.

"Expressly for you by
Miss Davenport," size six.

[man] Honey, isn't that yours?

- [woman] It's somebody's.
- [woman] Who is it?

Pass.

[man] There's no passing allowed, Adele.

[woman] Come on, Adele.
You've done this before.

Don't be a party pooper.

Uh, it...

It's... it's okay.

She... she can pass.

[whispers] Thank you.

[people murmuring indistinctly]

- [indistinct chatter]
- Good one, Randy.

- [man] Yeah.
- [woman] Yeah.

[man] Yeah.

Look alive, maestro.

Take the coat and don't ask questions.

Oh, I'm not here to participate

in whatever this is.

[guests cheering]

[laughter and applause]

I was just hired to
play the piano till 9:00.

I don't mean to burst your bubble,

but I'm not trying to
get into your pants.

Look, if it were up to
me, I'd be out the door,

but my ride has
apparently up and disappeared

right at the moment that everyone
has lost their mind

and decided to start
playing sexual roulette.

[cheers and applause]

I'm not sure what
you're looking for from me.

I'm looking for a little moral support

from the only other homo at this party.

Now take my goddamn coat.

Thank you so much.

How did you know that I was...

You've played "Don't Rain on My Parade"

twice in the last half hour.

You might as well be wearing
a flashing sign.

[woman] Moment of truth.

[cheers and applause]

[gasps] Oh, my God!

[applause]

[screams] Okay.

What happened to my keys?

Did you actually think that
this was going to happen?

Oh, come on. I saw you in that bar

with a man who isn't your husband.

That is my private life.

And there are people out
there... Lester and Betty...

Who work for me.

- You work for me.
- Not here.

Here, you're a guest in
my home, in my bedroom.

And I'm not sure if you've noticed,

but I've got your coat.

Well, if you think that
we're going to bed,

you're insane.

So are you just going to stand there,

or are you gonna help me find my keys?

You know, I think the damage is done

whether we mess around or not.

If you leave in two
minutes or two hours,

it's not gonna change what people think.

[laughs] So that's your
argument for going to bed with you?

"May as well. People
already think we have."

That means first thing tomorrow morning,

you are going to disabuse
each and every one of them

- of that mispercep...
- [woman moaning]

Is that... Is that Nancy?

- It is.
- [Nancy] Oh, yeah. Yeah!

- Well, yes and no.
- [Nancy] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. Yes and no?

I mean, technically, yes, that's her,

but, uh, she's not herself.

That's not my wife. She's
someone else with him.

She's pretending.

[Nancy moaning]

Speaking as a clinician, it
sounds pretty authentic.

Well, come on. You never
pretend to be someone you're not?

[muffled grunting and moaning]

Who do you think she is with that guy

that she's not with you?

It's purely sexual.

It's just gears and pistons.

She doesn't care about him. It's a game.

She'll learn something and
bring it back into our bed.

[moaning and grunting continue]

I guarantee you her eyes are closed.

What about yours when
you're with someone else?

Are your eyes open or closed?

Closed. I'm pretending too.

Oh, yeah? What are you pretending?

To enjoy it.

- [dog barking]
- You said you need a cab.

Phone's where it's always been.

What is wrong with you?

You just left everything like this?

Well, yes, I went to find out

where my children had disappeared to.

Oh, and just so you know, that
enclosure is not secure.

Oh, you think?

- [dog barking]
- Stop it!

Baxter, you hear me?
You stop your yapping!

He's reacting to the
tenor of your voice.

He's not reacting to
the tenor of my voice!

A few more decibels, perhaps
the neighbors will.

You know what, Bill?

You don't get to lecture
me about anything.

And you don't get to
blame me for everything.

You know, not
everything I do deserves to be seen

as a slap in the face to you.

I'm not making decisions
to deliberately hurt you.

And yet you manage to.

I bought the kids a dog, Libby.

He takes up very little room,
and if you weren't so focused

on his chewing proclivities,

you'd see he's very...

This is not a word I use, but cute.

There it is. He...

He's not gonna behave like this forever.

Look. Everything is hard to begin with

but gets easier.

Not us.

We started easy.

Now look at us.

Do you know that there
are exes out there

who are actually best friends?

Well, maybe that'll be us one day.

[scoffs]

May I be frank, Bill?

I fantasize about
you getting decapitated.

Do you think it's
possible to end up in a good place

with someone whose head you
imagine rolling down the street

and into a sewer?

Okay, what... what can I fix?

You know, instead of
you just screaming at me,

which solves nothing,

what can I make better?

Is this like a genie who
gives you three wishes,

only you're just giving me one?

Fine. Three.

You want me to clean
up the pillow stuffing?

That is not worth a wish.

Okay. Okay.

I want you to promise not
to make me the bad guy

with the kids.

It's hard enough to keep them in line

without you making decisions

that completely undermine my authority.

Agreed.

And don't treat me like a piece
of business that needs handling.

If you want me to postpone the divorce,

you can ask me yourself.

Don't send that horrible
lawyer of yours.

That's two.

I'm thinking.

Cleaning up the stuffing is still open.

I want you to go down on me.

I... I'm... I'm sorry?

I want to know what it feels like.

And I want you to do something for me

for the sole purpose
of giving me pleasure.

You mean now?

Right now? Here?

Yes. Now.

Right now. Here.

[dog barking]

But first put the dog in the bathtub.

[light instrumental music]

♪ ♪

[man] Have fun, you two.

[woman] [giggling] Oh, we will.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

[car door thuds, engine turns over]

♪ ♪

You all right?

I don't think those appetizers
sat so well.

Nothing sits well with
what you've had to drink.

[jazzy piano music playing]

You know what I had to drink?

I know pretty much everything about you.

Your voice hit some register

that cut through
every conversation in there,

kind of like a dog whistle.

- So then you heard of my o...
- Yeah.

Yeah, I heard all about the
guy with the animal balloons.

You need to stop wallowing in
it and just go punch the guy.

I have weak wrists.

[laughs]

Well, fine, but do something.

Be better than those people

and their protest against boredom.

Be better?

In case you hadn't noticed,

I'll be leaving here alone.

So, apparently, not
only am I not good enough

for my cheating wife,

but no one in there wants me either.

Well, they think a lot of themselves.

Sipping cocktails in
an Ethan Allen showroom,

wondering which upper-middle-class
skirt is

contractually obligated to
go home with which Elks member.

But this isn't radical.

This is not some act of rebellion.

I work in a sex clinic.

That's the most radical thing I've done.

Radical is marching through the streets,

getting roughed up by cops,

getting cuts on your
wrists from handcuffs.

You've been arrested?

- Well, no.
- Oh.

But it's only a matter of time.

My point is, nothing
radical has ever been catered.

No.

No.

So I'm not much of a risk taker,

and you're not much of a radical.

We could change all that.

I'm totally prepared to
be your worthwhile cause.

You want to change people's lives?

Overturn the world order?

You could start with
me. I'm just saying.

- [Betty] Okay.
- [Guy] All right, together.

♪ Won't you tell him
please to put on some speed ♪

♪ Follow my lead ♪ That's high.

♪ Oh, how I need ♪

[together] ♪ Someone to watch over me ♪

That's better. I'm an alto.

Yeah, you are, but you sound great.

Okay.

♪ Someone to watch over me ♪

♪ ♪

As far as I am concerned,

popular music died in 1943,

along with Lorenz Hart.

Where have you been all my life?

What is your name again?

Guy.

- Enchante.
- Hmm.

- "Ghee"?
- "Ghee."

- Spell that.
- G-U-Y.

I hate to break it to
you, "Ghee," but that is Guy.

- [laughs]
- Anywho... oh, it's 9:00.

It's time for you to clock out.

Can I take you home?

Oh, it's been a long time

since a handsome young man asked me that

and even longer since I said yes.

You'll have to drop me at the office.

What? On a Friday night?

What do you do for a living?

Croon show tunes at swingers' parties?

Ugh, I'm not going there to work.

My girlfriend's parents are in town.

Are you the carpool
buddy or the office colleague?

The next-door neighbor.

She'll tell them the
truth when she's ready.

- Just give her some time.
- The silver lining is,

every time I sleep at the office,

I mark it down as overtime.

Eight hours of shut-eye in a comfy bed

turns out to be quite lucrative.

What kind of an office has a bed?

Oh, you don't know the
half of it. Literally.

The place I work, we've got two beds.

Is the other one taken?

So you're not a willing participant
in any of this?

Is that what you're saying?

It's so impossible to believe

that she's into it and I'm not?

Not at all. I'm just
wondering why you do it then.

She likes me being with other women.

Uh-huh.

You're acting like this isn't

something you and your husband do.

Clearly, you're okay with
him being with other women.

We're talking about you.

If I'm with other women,

it makes Nancy feel less
guilty that she wants other men.

That's the reason?

Look. I was the one who
wanted to get married.

She didn't. She knew
herself. She knew that she wasn't a...

you know, a one-man woman.

So that was the deal we made.

We gave other people our bodies

but kept our feelings for each other.

[scoffs]

What? You don't think that's possible?

To separate sex and love?

Maybe that's too modern a concept.

Modern? Are you serious?

You think that you two
are breaking new ground here?

Yes, of course it's
possible to separate them.

Physical pleasure doesn't
have to have anything to do

with emotional intimacy.

I've been separating the
two since... since...

1925.

What? How old do you think I am?

I... sorry. I was,
uh... I go to this barbershop,

and the sign in the window says,

"Proudly serving St. Louis since 1925."

It just reminded me.

For the record, I am not serving anyone.

I'm taking care of myself,

partaking in pleasure when I choose to,

without romantic encrumberances.

Encrumberances?

- Encumbrances, maybe?
- Encumbrances, yes.

Of course.

And presumably your
husband's not torturing himself

with thoughts of you
cumming in another man's bed.

He knows not to feel threatened.

And there are infinite
ways that sex can happen

without love being even
remotely involved.

Such as?

I mean it. I'm really asking.

Such as you want to test your wattage,

see if you can turn a guy's
head enough so all other women

recede into the background.

And in bed, you want to
be the best he's ever had

so no other woman can compare.

Can you leave a mark that's indelible?

That's the challenge.

You dazzle them, and then
you leave them ruined.

Or... you just want to get laid

because it feels good

or there's nothing on TV.

- [chuckles]
- [Nancy grunting and moaning]

[Nancy] Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, yes!

You got any good jokes?

[Nancy] Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, yes!

Oh! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Higher.

Just talk to me

about... fuck!

Anything. Um...

Please, Virginia.

[Nancy grunting and moaning]

Art, you're a romantic.

[Nancy gasping]

I guess.

[Nancy moaning]

That's...

[Nancy grunting]

I'm so sorry.

[Nancy grunts]

[Libby moaning, dog barking]

So...

thanks.

[sighs]

Thanks?

Good job? Is that better?

Marginally.

So was it everything you thought?

Let's not rehash it.

I'm just, uh... just glad to
be able to check that off my list.

Aren't you gonna help?

I'm just gonna need a minute.

Oh. Is that uncomfortable?

Just, you know, a tad.

Good.

Why are you still angry?

Why?

Because that was
great. That was great, okay?

We could've been doing
that for the past 20 years,

and we never did it once.

Well, you didn't seem
to want to try things.

I was a virgin when we married, Bill.

I only knew what you showed me,

and it was so...

polite.

We had the most polite sex in the world.

All that was missing
afterwards was a handshake

and a thank-you card.

I'm sorry you were disappointed.

I wasn't.

That's my point. I didn't
know enough to be disappointed.

But you did.

You had been with other
women. You watched couples.

You saw what they did, and
then you found someone else

to do those things with.

Well, you did too.

Eventually.

As you shared with me in graphic detail.

Yeah, well, it saved my life.

You never saw the person
that I was with those men.

I am actually a carnal woman, Bill.

I want a man to tear my clothes off,

and I want to have sex in the shower,

and if I am gonna go to a
five-hour charity dinner,

at some point, I want to be felt
up under the goddamn table.

I would've happily felt you up.

Really?

Yes.

Those were some
incredibly boring dinners.

The only thing that I ever
saw you be truly passionate about

was your work.

I didn't demand your passion.

I just wanted you home for dinner.

Stability above all else.

It's pretty tragic, huh?

No, don't say that.

- It's true.
- It...

It's not tragic.

We did our best.

We made three children.

And I loved you, Libby.

Maybe not the right way,

maybe... maybe not enough.

But I know that I loved you.

I loved you too.

[melancholy piano music]

♪ ♪

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[creaking, heavy breathing]

- Are you close?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Is there anything you want me to do?

Say something sexy.

Um...

civil disobedience.

[cries out]

[both breathing heavily]

It's quiet.

Mm. That's the suburbs for you.

No, I mean...

you think they're
finished for the night?

Because if so, my job here is done.

Nancy gets stuffed up when she sleeps.

Sometimes she has this little...

nose whistle.

Doesn't a part of you
think that if she truly loved you

that you'd be enough for her?

I know what I signed
up for. We made a deal.

Well, deals get renegotiated.

It'd be one thing if
you were okay with it,

which happens to be my situation,

but clearly, you're not.

You tell me, Virginia,

when is it ever absolutely
equal between partners anyway?

Huh?

Where you both feel exactly
the same thing for each other

at the same time, in the same amount?

If I want to,

why can't I love her more
than she loves me?

No man's ever loved you
more than you've loved him?

What?

Only all of them.

It sounds like I'm bragging.

I'm not. I'm really not.

It's sad, actually.

But has it ever occurred to
you, with all due respect,

that maybe your wife is not...

all that?

Maybe it's you that she's
pretending with?

You think you know her, but
you don't. Not really.

If you really did know
her, her true self,

then maybe she wouldn't be so...

Dazzling?

I don't care. It doesn't matter.

How can it not matter?

Your husband loves you, right?

And what makes you worthy of his love?

Is it because your respective
infidelities

cancel each other out?

Maybe he knows who you really are...

not your body in bed
or your mind at work,

but the secret you,

the person you don't want anyone to see,

much less acknowledge yourself,

a woman who is fucked up,

and he loves you anyway.

Isn't that true love?

Someone who'll kiss your bruises

the same way he kisses your lips,

who's on your side, not when it's easy,

but when it's damn near impossible,

when you yourself don't
think you deserve it?

I have never been
hungrier in my entire life.

Why is that?

Well, you worked up an appetite.

Hmm.

I should probably be getting home.

You want me to drive you?

I was thinking I might walk.

Bill, it's got to be, like, three miles.

It's nice this time. Streets are empty.

It's a good time to do some thinking.

About what?

About what happened here tonight.

Mm. Let's not make too much of it.

Pickle?

Let's not make too little.

You know what I'd really like?

I mean really, really like?

Well, you haven't been too
shy about asking so far.

[laughs]

Can you take Baxter for a pee?

[Baxter whining]

You got me into bed at last.

That was the plan all along. Admit it.

Art, the world's only reluctant swinger,

was just an act.

I know your coat, Virginia.

You wear it to the office every day.

So you picked me on purpose.

- That I did.
- Aha.

Because you wanted to go to bed with me.

Because I knew you wouldn't.

You're my boss,

and bosses shouldn't
sleep with their employees.

Not ever.

Isn't that right?

It happens. Sometimes it happens.

How does it happen?

Perhaps you have some special insight.

I don't.

Gonna have to use your imagination.

What if we imagined together?

- Why would we do that?
- Mm.

Role-playing can be an
effective technique.

Come on. I'm a shrink.

Humor me a little, would you?

Do I keep you late after work one night?

Tell you my wife doesn't understand me,

that we're
essentially living like roommates?

When you request a raise,

do I ask for a
little something in return?

No. It's not like that.

Okay, then.

What is it like? Do I proposition you?

No. You're awkward...

and nervous.

You do not know what you're doing.

You barely even make eye contact.

And then you take pity on me?

No. I wait...

until I feel something.

An attraction?

Mm...

a shared passion.

Not for each other, not at first.

For the work.

But I'm still the boss.

I call the shots.

Maybe at first, but not for very long.

No. You want me to be your equal.

Have the same
opportunities, the same success.

Maybe that's just a
ruse to keep it going.

No. No. You believe in me.

You think I'm smart.

Maybe even smarter
than you in some things.

And you trust me.

You defer to me.

You see past the person
that I... I pretend to be,

that I present to the world...

Confident, competent in all things...

To the person I am.

Afraid...

that I'm average.

The ugly parts don't scare you away.

You have ugly parts?

I push you away,

fall in and out of bed with other men,

and somehow you love me...

...enough to let me
go find my own happiness,

even if it doesn't include you.

So I'm a saint.

No.

No. You're broken too.

You're afraid and...

...and insecure.

But I know all the broken places.

You've shown them to me.

So we've kissed each other's bruises.

We have.

Maybe he's the guy for you, Virginia.

["One" by Harry Nilsson]

♪ ♪

♪ One is the loneliest number ♪

♪ That you'll ever do ♪

[Lester snoring]

♪ Two can be as bad as one ♪

♪ It's the loneliest
number since the number one ♪

[phone ringing]

♪ ♪

[ringing continues]

♪ No is the saddest experience ♪

♪ You'll ever know ♪

Hello?

Uh, you've reached

the Reproductive
Biology Research Foundation.

Mrs. Johnson? Uh...

[grunts] Let me just take a message.

Okay.

She'll call you back in the morning.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

♪ It's just no good anymore ♪

♪ Since you went away... ♪

[woman] Operator.

Hello, may I have the number

for the Checker Cab Company, please?

♪ ♪

You had them all along?

I'm sorry.

Forgive me?

♪ One is the loneliest number ♪

♪ That you'll ever know ♪

♪ ♪

♪ One is the loneliest number ♪

♪ One is the loneliest number ♪

I hope you're capable
of changing your ways.

Otherwise, I really don't
think this arrangement is gonna last.

[barks]

[knocking at door]

[barks]

This is not a reprieve.

Oh.

♪ ♪

Libby left her coat.

♪ ♪

I'll see that she gets it. Thank you.

♪ ♪

Okay, then.

♪ ♪

Bill?

♪ ♪

Bill, there's something
that I need to tell you.

Dan and I aren't married.

♪ ♪

We never got married.

The reasons are complicated.

And I know that I
should've told you this sooner,

but it was just never the right time,

and then it... it got away from me.

I know.

♪ ♪

You know?

Yeah, I've known for a while.

♪ ♪

I'm... I'm really sorry.

What are you sorry for?

♪ ♪

I'll see you at the office, Virginia.

Drive safely.

♪ Ohh, oh, oh, oh ♪

[song ends]

[birds chirping]