Masters of Sex (2013–2016): Season 3, Episode 7 - Monkey Business - full transcript

Previously on Masters Of Sex...

We've had
a very high success rate

with sensate therapy
in cases like your wife's.

I just want it fixed.

I got asked to open
a gorilla exhibit at the zoo.

There's that famous ape,
Gil the Gorilla...?

We know it's probably
not your normal case, but, uh...

They're animals, after all.

How hard can it really be?

Ernie Nevers.

You pick out any card you like,
just give me the stats,



and I will give you a quarter
for any one I don't get.

You sitting at home all
day with our screaming kids--

you're too smart for that.

We'll pay her 5 bucks a bag.

It's like she's dead.

It's like sitting here
with a corpse.

Joy had an apartment.
She was one foot out the door.

As far as she was concerned,
your marriage was over.

I-I-I was just coming
in to turn off the gas,

I took my time with
the moving, but now I'm here.

You being...?

Mrs. Edley, of course.

Fine. Then drinks down
the street at the tap room.

Why don't we have
a cup of coffee,



downstairs, in the lobby.

It'll give us time
to strategize.

We can strategize.

So...?

"So"?

You're the expert.

You want me
to rate your performance?

Mm.

Was it like when Ed Sullivan has
plate spinners on the show?

No.
It was more like The Beatles.

Mmm.

I told the sitter
that I'd be home at 11:00,

which is now.

So, call her.
Ask for another hour.

No. I have to be up at 6:00 tomorrow,

get Tessa breakfast,
and feed and dress the baby.

So, if I manage to get home
by midnight

and Lisa doesn't wake up at 3:00
in the morning miraculously,

I'll have gotten six hours
of sleep,

four in the more likely
scenario.

That is a lot for one person.

I have a complicated life.

I assume that's why

you've been leaving each night
a little bit earlier.

Well, I don't think

that we've been doing this
long enough

to consider anything a pattern.

I'm leaving early, um,
because...

Busy.

Yes.

I like Bill, believe it or not.

I can see his good qualities.
He's smart, dedicated, driven.

I'm not sure I like him for you.

For me?

Mm-hmm.

Well,
present circumstances aside,

that's an odd thing to say
to a married woman,

a woman not married to Bill.

But you spend a lot of time
with him, and guys like Bill--

well, they're a lot of work.

I don't know. Maybe
your husband's a similar breed,

like 4th of July fireworks--
impressive,

but combustible as hell.

You spend all your time
running around,

trying to put out the flames
that you don't even realize

they've burned you down to the
ground right along with them.

That's quite a theory...

Although I'm not sure

that I would call my husband
"impressive" in that way.

Well, certainly
you and Bill have undertaken

a grand experiment together.

Bill and I are not
involved in any way,

except professionally.

For some reason, I just
find myself worrying about you.

That's all. I can
imagine you take care

of everyone in your life.

I can see you take care of Bill
professionally.

But who takes care of you,
Virginia?

My sitter.

My sitter is waiting for me,
and I'm late.

Ah.

- I'll see you tomorrow?
- 9:00 AM.

I meant after work, when
it's time to enjoy yourself.

I enjoy myself at work.

Mnh.

Jesus "H"!

Oh.

I was...

I was in a garden.

Oh, okay.
You're having a dream.

And in this garden, a--

A plum fell on my lap.

Okay, you're gonna tell
me about your dream now.

And I thought to myself,
"The plum is ripe.

I like plums.
I should help myself."

So I took a bite, and I--

Oh, yeah, you'll never guess
what jumped out.

Oh, Helen, I'm tired.

A rabbit.

And this rabbit, oh,
started burrowing into my vagina.

Ugh.

And right before
he disappeared inside me,

I pulled him out
by his little rabbit's foot,

only now he--
he wasn't a rabbit anymore.

- He was a baby.
- A baby.

- Yeah.
- Oh, okay.

This is no longer a dream.
This is a mantra.

It's a recurring dream.
Recurring dreams mean--

Mean that you want me
to do something about this.

I know.
So, I checked it out.

I went to three different
adoption clinics,

and they all said
the same thing.

They do not let
single women adopt.

I'm sorry.

Hon, it's just--
it's just not in our cards.

Well, that's completely unfair,

which is why
I've been thinking--

there's this guy
who comes in every week

to get his palm read-- Rufus.
He's really sweet.

Rufus who's been struck by
lightning a lot of times Rufus?

Electrocuted pulling toast
out of the toaster with a fork.

More than once, though, right?

Yes, more than once.

But my point is
he's really sweet

and he's madly in love with me

and, you know, maybe he'd be
someone to get me pregnant.

He has said that he's saving
himself for marriage,

so there's that snag.

You'd have to marry Rufus?

A little.

You can't marry a little, Helen.

I married a little,
and look how that turned out.

Plus, Rufus is not smart.

Fine. He's dumb.

He's dumb.

Maybe I'm dumb, too,
for wanting a baby this bad,

but I want a baby.
I want a baby so bad.

Don't you want a baby?

Don't you want us
to have a baby?

Why do I feel
like I'm alone in this?

No. You're not alone.

I understand.

It's just... no one's
gonna hand over a baby

to a couple
of middle-aged dykes.

There's nothing
we can do about it.

Well, then maybe
it's just something

I've got to do on my own.

Uh, Dr. Scully's still
at the endometrial symposium

in Memphis,
so you'll have to see

to Mrs. Fletcher's insemination.

Also, Dan Logan's booked
the other exam room

from noon to 6:00.

Well, Dan Logan
is gonna have to move.

Because...?

Dan Logan's study
has reached a dead end.

Only a chemist can solve the
pheromone puzzle at this point.

We are not chemists,

so it's time for Dan Logan
to go back to New York

and... enhance some product
with the smell of pine.

Or you can let him have
the exam room

rather than alienate the guy who
wrote us a very handsome check.

Did you see this?

"They helped us find our way
back to our marriage

when no one else could.

We were lost,
and they rescued us."

Isabella Ricci?
In Newsweek?

It's a profile piece

where they asked her about
her marriage to "Al the Ape."

She credits
our sensate therapy?

A protocol they didn't attempt.

Why would they lie about that?

Because they got nabbed.

A tabloid photographer

recognized the two of them
leaving the clinic.

The upside is, because of this,
Newsweek just called

and they want to do a feature
article on the two of you.

I'm not discussing results
which are a complete fabrication.

W-wait, Bill.
This is one failure.

For every Isabella and Al,

there have been hundreds
we have helped.

And it is Newsweek, after all.

Publicity value aside,
I refuse to take credit

for some celebrity couple's cure

when the Hindenburg
had a happier outcome.

Then we won't lie.

All patient information
is confidential,

meaning we're not at liberty
to discuss their case.

But we can talk about our work,
our success rate.

Exposure like this--

it could draw who knows how many
people in through these doors.

What kind of sandwich?

We're going to Cavetti's.

You work here?

Hence the lunch order.

All right.

Turkey and Swiss,
white, tomato only.

Do you mind me asking
how old you are?

How old do you think I am?

Not old enough
to be employed here.

It's my community service.

Turns out this is where

they send all the bad girls
as punishment--

forced exposure to sex maniacs
all day.

Harsh.

Well, you do the crime,
you do the time.

Hmm.

If you're trying to
figure them out, don't bother.

Stonehenge is less of a mystery
than those two.

I'm sorry.

Who exactly are you again?

Lunch girl.

So, do you want fries or
coleslaw with your sandwich?

Oh, that's Dr. Masters
over there.

We'll just pretend
that we're running into him.

Do I have to act?

Can't I just shake his hand
and tell him why I'm here?

No, you cannot.

Just stick with the "I wrote in
with a problem" story,

and we'll be fine.

Dr. Masters.
Uh, this is Keith Coleman.

He wrote one of those letters
I answered

in that big sack of mail.

I actually
didn't write a letter.

I-I'm in Jane's
theater workshop.

Keith is also a friend
from theater.

He was terrific in our limited
run of "Oliver!"

And why I'm here is...

I'm impotent.

It's going on two years now.

And because Jane
is an old friend,

she said she could use
her influence to get me in here,

which would be great
'cause I want to hire you.

Fix me.

I both understand
and sympathize...

Keith.

...but we have
a protocol in place here, Keith,

as Jane is fully aware.

Well, I know it's not
usually done like this--

Jane also knows

that friends do not get
preferential treatment here.

You and your wife
need to make an appointment

through my secretary.

Oh, I don't have a wife.

Fine.
With your girlfriend, then.

No, he doesn't have
a girlfriend, either,

which is why I agreed to help
him in this... misguided way.

So, who is it
you're seeking treatment with?

Nobody.

Like I said,
I'm-- I'm impotent.

I mean, I can't step
into a batter's box with no bat.

I-I need to fix this first.

Then maybe I can find someone.

Unfortunately,
our, uh, treatment

only applies to couples,
not single individuals.

I'm sorry.

Come on. Come on!

Damn it!

Damn it!

God!

I have jumper cables.

Hard to miss
the metaphor, isn't it?

Pardon?

My car's battery's dead.

My battery's dead.

I understand your frustration.

Come on.

This is all just science to you.

Tragically, this is my life.

I'm out there every day living it,
if you can call this living.

I promise you, Keith,

being a doctor
doesn't mitigate my ability

to understand this kind
of suffering.

Then let's appreciate
the irony of this situation

together, all right?

I can't get a girl
because I can't perform,

and you can't help me perform
because I don't have a girl.

And you know what's even worse?

I'm fucking terrified...

Terrified I'm gonna be alone
for the rest of my life.

First sexual experience?

Around age, uh, 8.

And the specifics of the act?

Specifics?

So, the more
information you can give us,

the more precise we can be
in our treatment.

I'm a little sketchy
on the details.

Or perhaps you're confused

since 8 does seem...
unusually young.

No, actually,
it's fairly common.

Puberty is often accelerated
when you're raised in captivity.

Well, I would imagine captivity
alters many natural instincts.

In the wild,
Gil would be motivated by fear.

He would also be motivated
by the urge to mate,

and the need to eat would be
the other major motivator.

But in captivity,
what is there to fear?

Nothing.

Plus, he's spoon-fed 20 pounds
of vegetables each day,

cherry pies for dessert.

So you'd think he'd devote
all of his time to the ladies,

what with fear and food
off of the table.

And he did for a long time.

Uh, Gil was a regular Don Juan.

But, uh, this female ape now
in from San Diego--

might as well take her
to see the St. Louis Arch

for all the interest
he's shown her.

Well, why don't we go
back to the last successful mating.

What were the circumstances?

Position, environment,
time of year?

I wasn't here.

Uh, that was right around
the time

his, uh, former keeper,
uh, Loretta Gladwin, left.

So, she retired?

I'm not really sure.

Uh, there was some brouhaha
over her dismissal.

And, uh, all I know
is she left under some cloud,

and we're supposed to
leave it at that.

He wasn't aggressive like
that the last time I... met him.

I didn't think
he was aggressive now.

Oh, you think
it was indigestion?

Look, we heard them out.

That's all
we were obligated to do.

We should help Gil.

Yes, we should help a gorilla,

but not Jane's poor friend
Keith.

I mean it.

Before you dismiss it
out of hand--

Oh, I've dismissed it already.

- He's an ape.
- Yeah,

and did you know that our
genetic alignment with apes

is almost 98%?

So, we're not just descended
from apes,

as Darwin pointed out.

We essentially are apes.

With several
crucial differences.

We can speak.
They cannot.

So Gil can't tell us
why he doesn't want to have sex.

But what if we were able to help
him just by watching him,

intuiting his expressions
and his signs,

come up with a protocol?

We have an impressive
success rate, Virginia.

Why would we obliterate that
for some doomed experiment?

It would be such
a coup if we did it.

Think of the publicity, Bill.

Now, I understand men.

I understand how they think,
how they tick essentially,

and there was something
in the way

that Gil was speaking to me--

Fine. Apes don't speak.

But don't I help
sexually dysfunctional

and oftentimes inarticulate men
in our offices every single day?

Wasn't I able to help you when
you were similarly suffering?

Now, of course we'd have to talk
to Gil's former handler,

see if there's anything
we're missing.

But if we can return him to a
healthy and satisfying sex life,

why wouldn't we?

If you are gonna make
that argument,

why should we let
any male suffer,

whether partnered or single?

Or... ape, I suppose.

Or any woman suffer,
for that matter?

Betty, uh, have Jane
come to my office.

Or women, too, of course,

although I am specifically
thinking of Jane's friend Keith.

Now, he's impotent,
but he's single.

It's a no-win situation.

Maybe in those letters
that Jane reads,

she's found single women
who are dysfunctional

and in need of help also.

You're not suggesting we
pair two nonfunctioning patients?

It worked for Lester and Barb.

He was impotent.

She was suffering
from vaginismus.

Lester and Barb
put themselves together.

They knew one another,
trusted one another.

Lester and Barb
were already in love.

Ah, Jane, come in.

Uh, we were just discussing
your friend Keith

and the possibility of, um,
finding him a surrogate partner.

I do think that the partner
should come from a list of women

who have already participated
in the study,

women we already know.

But what kind of
woman... specifically?

Well, she should be
functional, sexually.

Sound, emotionally.

She should have an interest
in the work, good-hearted,

and have an inclination
toward the healing arts.

She would have to be willing
to do it for free

because to pay her

would essentially
amount to prostitution.

Would a background
in musical theater help?

A woman who just finished
a six-week run

as Nancy in "Oliver!"?

♪ I'd do anything for you, dear ♪

♪ anything for you
mean everything to me ♪

I think that...
Jane is volunteering.

Because I know Keith.

He's an old friend,
and I'd like to help.

And we... appreciate
your offer and your song, Jane,

but, uh...
we couldn't do that to Lester.

We're taking a break.

Next session's
not for another half-hour.

Mm.

Thanks.

How long have you
worked here again?

How long
was Dante stuck in Purgatory?

And how long
have you known Mrs. Johnson?

Why are you asking me about her?

Because office girls know
everything about everyone.

Well... if you're smart,

you won't get involved
with Mrs. Johnson.

She has a very messy life.

Who said anything
about getting involved?

I'm young, not stupid.

She's married, for starters,

with a couple of kids,
but no worries there.

It's not like
they slow her down any.

She's pretty, too.
I'll give her that.

Knows how to use it.

Meaning...?

Meaning this job.

She never even graduated
from college.

You've met Dr. Masters.

Does he strike you

as a milk-of-human-kindness
kind of guy,

handing out golden opportunities
to un-credentialed secretaries?

Well, from where I sit,

Mrs. Johnson
is an impressive woman,

though it wouldn't surprise me
if Masters was smitten with her.

He's more than smitten.

I know for a fact
he's sleeping with her.

And it's gross.

And it makes me sick.

Mrs. Fletcher's
changing into her robe,

wants to know if she can have a
cigarette before the procedure.

Well, I don't recommend
it, but if she insists.

Heard you and Virginia are gonna
help Jane's single friend Keith.

It's being discussed.

Mm. That's a good thing,
taking care of single people.

It's funny 'cause we've been
getting a bunch of calls

from single women lately, asking
if we can impregnate them

using donor sperm from the bank.

I know. Go figure.

So, um... can we?

The question's never
arisen before, but... no.

Why no?

You know, so I can tell them
when they call.

Well, for starters,
I'd have to ask why a woman

would want to pursue
single motherhood.

Well, it's nothing new.

Husbands die or leave
all the time.

But you can't compare
attrition to trying to make it happen.

It's an incredibly difficult
path, undertaken all alone.

What if she raised
the child with a friend,

say, you know, someone
who'd be there to help out?

Well, friends move.
They have lives of their own.

You can't expect a friend
to make an 18-year commitment

to a child
that's not even their own.

What if the friend
could make that commitment?

What if the friend was family?

A healthy, single woman

does not need me
to inseminate her.

A couple of gin and tonics
and the guy one bar stool over

would be just as effective.

I got together with Gil
when he was 12.

I was right out of college.

And he had just, uh,
left the Cleveland Zoo.

There you go.

I mean, in-- in many ways,
we really grew up together.

I just-- I can't believe
Gil's not mating.

For how long?

Uh, a little over a year now.

But Gil is a class-A breeder.

Right.
Who's his trainer?

Does she have any experience
with primates?

I mean, you can't just,
you know, get some bozo

who's been cleaning up
after giraffes

and stick 'em in there with Gil.

I mean, th-there's an art.

Gil's new trainer is a man.

Oh. There's
your problem right there.

Gil has to have
a female attendant.

I mean, someone
who can stroke his ego

and, you know,
let him know that he's the king.

Did you know that Gil's birthday
is the exact same day as Elvis?

No, uh, we didn't.

Yeah. It was always
a little joke between us,

you know,
who-- who was the real king.

A joke, uh, between you and Gil?

What I'm saying is that no
man will be able to care for Gil.

He needs a woman.

Did you ever witness Gil mating,

back when he was mating
successfully?

There was nothing
that went on with Gil

that I wasn't there for.

Oh, uh,
would you care to elaborate?

Well, after he and a
female would get acquainted,

I'd sit with Gil and let him
know how big and strong he was,

what a catch he was, you know,
just cheer him on a bit.

That is hard to believe,
that you would just talk to Gil

and-- and he was able
to perform.

With me, Gil sired 21 offspring

with 7 different females
from zoos all over the country,

so I'd say it was enough.

But besides
words of encouragement,

was there anything else
that you would do...

to... help-- help Gil along?

What is that supposed to mean?

Well... uh, would you...

- We just, um...
- Uh...

Look, I don't know
what you've heard, okay,

but Gil and I were friends...

Close friends, devoted friends,

but friends, and that is all.

So, if you will excuse me.

Of course.

Thank you so much for your time.

Uh, Miss Gladwin...
would you ever consider

returning to the zoo
to help Gil

get past whatever barrier it is
that's holding him back?

I'm sorry.

That would be a little
too painful for both of us.

After Gil and I split,
I mean, I was just a mess.

I couldn't leave my house.

I couldn't eat,
and I couldn't sleep.

I am just now getting my life
back into order.

So, no.

You're on your own.

Thank you.

I don't want to go to bed yet.

A kiss doesn't always
mean I'm sending you off.

I, um-- I was just thinking
that I-- I'm gonna go next door

and check in on Mr. Edley.

And Mrs. Edley?

Yes, of course.
Mrs. Edley, too.

See how they're doing.

Um, can I stay up
until you get back?

Yes.

Goodbye, Ernie Nevers.

John?

It's awfully late for you,
isn't it?

Mom's letting me stay up
until she gets back.

Back from...?

Next door.
The Edleys'.

Is there-- is there
something burning?

Uh, maybe.

Maybe mom burnt
some plastic wrap.

She's been pretty...
distracted lately.

- So, how was school?
- I'm really tired.

I'm gonna go to bed.

It's for the apartment,
if you agree.

Look, just go.

Take your check and just go.

I don't blame you
for being furious with me.

I-I cannot begin to apologize
for what I did,

for telling you what I knew
about Joy.

It was not mine to tell.

Well, can't un-ring
that bell now, can we?

And what difference
would it make, anyway?

Libby, I was gonna
find out soon enough

when I walked through that door

and found a "Dear John" letter
on the counter.

Or wasn't that how Joy planned
on telling me?

What was her plan, exactly?

I don't know about that.

Something you don't know.

I have to admit,
whatever it was, it worked...

In its own sick kind of way...

Being totally clueless as to
what was really happening here.

It made taking care of her
seem noble.

But-- but now...

I know.

You're left with pain
and confusion and resent--

Don't tell me what I feel.

I will tell you because I know.

I know how precious
illusions can be.

I know
how they can keep you alive.

I know because
it has been so long

since I had any
about my own life.

Sometimes
I sit in that apartment,

and I pretend that my husband
is gonna walk through the door,

but not as he is now,
but from another, earlier time.

And I sit there thinking,

"God, if I could just keep
this dream alive,

just-- just for a little while,
just like a little bit each day,

then-- then maybe it will
allow me to go home

- to the real Bill, the--
- I can't hear this.

Please don't turn away from me!

What do you want from me?
Huh?

These past few months,

all I have wanted to see come
through that door is you.

That's the only thing
I had to look forward to.

That was it.

And you took it, along with
my illusions about my wife.

Keep the apartment.
It's yours.

She sounded
like a good candidate.

We need to find someone
who's gonna be a good surrogate,

not scare a guy out of hiccups.

We need to, um, keep looking.

Why? You just keep
rejecting them all.

We haven't found
the right girl.

F-34-21 was good.

F-34-21 is Sue, the supply
secretary from Memorial.

Sue once threw a stapler
at a guy in a wheelchair.

That's not exactly the helping
hand that Keith needs.

This is F-12-22.

Uh...

Oh.

Don't shut that off, Lester.

That's me.

I know who it is.

Then look at it.

You filmed this.

It's how you fell in love
with me...

Well, maybe not that shot,
but...

Why are you showing this to me?

Because I want you to
remember how this all started.

Lester, I knew
from the very beginning

that this work
was groundbreaking,

that what Dr. Masters
and Virginia were doing

was brave and fearless,

and it made me
feel brave and fearless, too.

It's why I volunteered
way back then.

And it's why I want to
volunteer now...

as a surrogate...
for Keith.

You want to boff somebody
from Mr. Taybor's drama class?

I want to contribute.
I want to help!

Are you insane?

How does you humping
old friend Keith

help me or our kids
or our marriage?

Well, you've dedicated your
life to this work, haven't you?

And what about when
you were in Keith's shoes?

I overheard
Dr. Masters and Virginia

talking about you and Barb.

Why didn't you tell me
you were impotent,

that you and Barb participated
in the work?

Well, b-because
it's not the kind of thing

you blab about to your wife.

Because the whole reason
I was impotent to begin with

was because you dumped me
for some dickhead director

and I fell apart.

Because you broke my heart,

and it was all
just so very humiliating.

But you got the help
that you needed.

Here, you were cured.

I know he deserves help.

And if anyone knows, it's me.

But--

Hey.

You were cured,
and I came back to you...

because it's you
that I love, Lester.

It's Keith I just want to help.

If we're gonna do this,
we should do it now.

Give it one shot, one shot only.

However long it takes, Bill...

because if this were
any other suffering male,

you would be the first one
to help.

Suffering human male, yes.

And I am arguing

that there may not be as much
of a difference as you'd think.

All right, we tell his
trainer to take the day off.

- Today?
- Get it over with.

Do our best.

Well, I suppose
it wasn't that long ago

I was a suffering... creature
also, as you pointed out.

And you saved me, so...

Good morning.

I have a proposition
for you two.

Actually,
we're in the middle of--

Come in, Dan.
What's on your mind?

So, my company is debuting
our new popcorn butter flavoring

tonight at the premiere of
"The Ghost And Mr. Chicken"

over at the Hi-Pointe Theater,

and I thought,
"Who doesn't love Don Knotts?"

Barney Fife
is a staple in my home.

And Captain Harry Little--
"The Last Time I Saw Archie"?

Henry and I saw that three times.

Which is why I thought
it might be fun

to invite the entire office.

- Our office?
- Yeah.

That's very thoughtful.

Well, your gang
seems game to come

because I've already run it
by them--

That is very generous
of you, Dan.

It does sound like
fun, doesn't it, Bill?

I think we could all use
a little time off.

Oh, absolutely we could.

Unfortunately,
we do have to work tonight.

No, we have to work today.

Well, we don't know
how long this is gonna take.

So, then let's move it
until tomorrow.

One more night
curled around a tire swing

isn't gonna make any difference.

Well, it'll make a difference to Gil.

Wasn't that your point to me,
Virginia?

Virginia was just saying
I-- I have a soft spot

for any suffering male.

Yes, it's almost
a knee-jerk reaction with Bill.

And while no one appreciates
Don Knotts more than I...

Suffering male.

He was very good
on "Steve Allen."

No, I'm--
I'm sure that was him.

And, uh, I'm also a--
a huge fan of popcorn.

With butter.

Butter-like flavor.
Even better.

Which is why it's such a shame

that Mrs. Johnson and I are busy

with all this work
on our plates.

But please do certainly take
the rest of the office.

- They'll love it.
- Mm.

You know, I was just telling
Virginia the other day

how important I think it is
to spend time away from work.

Mm. Has Virginia spoken
to you about the case?

Mnh-mnh.

Oh, it's fascinating, really.

Um, Mrs. Johnson and I

are essentially reaching back
through time

to understand the, uh--

the nature of evolutionary
attraction.

The patient is,
uh, an unusual one.

Who requires extra care.

So, sadly, we will have to leave
Mr. Chicken's Ghost to you.

You're sure about that,
Virginia?

You really can't break away?

Yeah, we are very busy... Dan.

Uh, we're doing an interview
with Newsweek tomorrow,

plus this very challenging case,
as we said.

Aren't all cases a challenge?

Oh, no, not like this one.

Because...?

It's a gorilla.

Sorry, but I need the PDR
if I'm gonna file properly.

Oh, good.
Uh, Tessie, you can meet Dan.

Mr. Logan,
say hello to my daughter.

Tessie, this is Mr. Logan.

He's the one doing the scent
tests that I told you about.

Nice to meet you... Mr. Logan.

Mm. Pleasure.

There's no reason to be nervous.

Dr. Masters is completely
respectful.

It's sensate training,
so it'll just be you and me.

I sound like--
I sound like a ran a marathon.

Shh.

It's okay.

Relax.

That you were willing to do this
for me, Jane...

I can never--

You're welcome.

So, um... how long until, um...

As Virginia says,
it's a process.

I'm here... with you.

So, for now, just listen
to the sound of my voice

as I tell you...

Who's a handsome gorilla?

Who's a big, strong boy?

Go on, Gil.

Go to her. Look.
She's ready.

You're the king.

Remember?

Yes, you are.
You can-- you can do this.

How much more time
are we going to give this?

Oh, it's--
it's a process, Virginia.

You know that better than I.

Yes, but I've now used
every encouraging word

that I have ever uttered
to any male ever.

He's listening.

I know that he's listening,
but somehow it's not enough.

This was a mistake.

To think that we could ever
convince another species,

that I could convince another--

He is 98% us.

But he's not us,

and this is nothing more
than hubris on my part.

Maybe-- maybe
just move towards him.

Just a little bit closer.

Now try again.

Do you remember
the other day? Gil?

You liked me then, didn't you?

I can always tell when someone
is interested in me.

That's all right.
You can look at me.

I'm here to help you.
I'm here. Look at me.

I'm here to help you.

Okay.

All right, now,
go-- go to her, Gil.

That's good.

Go on.

He wants--
he wants your breast.

Loretta was
a full-figured woman.

He wants, uh...

He wants Loretta's breast.

No one gives of
themselves like you, Virginia.

You saved me.

Now it's Gil's turn to be saved.

What are you doing here?

I had nowhere else to go.

Hiya, Hank.

We fooled him.

You're gonna use
this thing on me?

Uh, it's a catheter.

I'm going to slip it up into
your, you know-- your cervix.

And then I'm gonna shoot the
little swimmers in with... it.

But do we have time?

Because, you know, the book said

that the sperm takes a half-hour
to thaw

and then you've got to put it up me and
then I have to sit still for one hour--

Helen, it's 2:00 in the morning.

Hank doesn't want to know what
we're doing in here.

I think we're safe.

This is a really
big decision, Betts.

I mean, uh, deciding
who to pick for the donation.

I thought this guy seemed good.

6', 180 pounds.
Eyes, green. Brown hair.

Yeah, I got nothing against him,
but he could also be anyone.

What else?

What "What else"?
That's it.

It's all done anonymously,

so we're always gonna be
a little short

on, you know,
pertinent information.

What about character?

Helen, it's sperm.
We add the character.

It's not just sperm.
It could be anybody.

It could be Lee Harvey Oswald's sperm.

It could be the sperm
of The Cincinnati Strangler,

Richard Nixon,
by way of example.

You know,
this is when you just wish

that you were just-- ugh!

This is when you wish

that you were just one
of the regular folks

'cause regular folks just--
oh, they just get what they get.

They don't have all this
responsibility of choosing.

It should be
a big responsibility.

We're making a baby.

I do envy the regular folks,
though.

At least they have some idea

of what kind of kid they're
gonna get on the other end.

They don't even have
photos of the donors in here.

I mean, not that looks
are everything.

Well, they're not
nothing, either.

But smarts matter.

A good heart matters most.

When we have our kid, no matter
who she is or who he is,

we're gonna love them
like crazy.

Or maybe people just say that

'cause they're stuck
with what they got

'cause they didn't have
a choice.

Well, what choice do we have?

Isn't it either this
or nothing, right?

Actually, I might know someone

who's a whole lot better
than nothing.

I talked with
Zookeeper Steve this morning.

They were astounded
at our success with Gil.

Can't imagine how we managed
to pull that off.

Well... what happened yesterday

was no solution at all.

I wasn't looking for a solution.

- I was looking for an answer.
- To what?

Whether or not
it could be done...

Whether I could do it--
we could do it.

And we did.

There's something
for Newsweek to chew on.

We will not tell
Newsweek about this.

Gil proves that
performance-based dysfunction

is so rooted in our psyche

that not even
the most primitive of us,

under certain stresses,
are immune to its effects,

but more importantly,

that these dysfunctions
can be repaired by us.

Now, why not let Newsweek
print the story

that says Masters and Johnson
can fix anyone, even an ape?

Because it's not true.

We can straighten out anything

that human beings
manage to screw up.

We can't... Bill.

And you know it.

That was a fluke, not a cure,
which is why we cannot say it.

Some doctor's office--

where you can get syphilis
from breathing the air.

What kind of orthopedist
works here?

These women
don't need an orthopedist?

On their feet all day,
twisting themselves in knots?

Can you imagine
the wear and tear?

But for us, for our baby?

Honey, honey, he's a doctor

with a face like a movie star
and a body that looks like

it should be throwing
thunderbolts from a cloud.

If you want our baby
to have the best head start,

this is how we do it.

Can I help you ladies?

Oh, Austin!

- So gd to see you.
- Betty. How are you?

- I'm good.
- Good.

Uh, this is
my girlfriend, Helen.

- Hi, Helen.
- Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Girlfriends
as in pals from high school

or girlfriends
as in the previous act?

We're lovers, Austin.

Okay.
Whatever works, ladies.

So, uh, what did you
want to speak to me about?

We have a favor to ask.

There you go!

Mm. And your most,
uh, significant case to date?

Oh, we consider
each and every case

significant in its own way.

Any chance of narrowing
that down a little?

You know, maybe there's
a celebrity angle

that we can share
with our readers?

Each case, taken together,

makes up the body
of our scientific study.

How about you, Dr. Masters?

You care to respond?

I agree with Mrs. Johnson--

that each case
matters on its own merits.

But if I were to choose one case

that stood out
as particularly meaningful...

it would have to be the one
involving an ape.

Al "The Ape" Neely and his wife,
Isabella Ricci.

I'm so glad
you brought them up.

Well, since they
themselves have been so public

about their treatment with us,

I feel we can say
they're patients,

although I can't divulge
specifics.

All right, then.

In a general way, what-- what
about their case is significant?

Well... let's take,
as an example,

a real ape taken
out of its natural habitat,

as a good way of understanding
what happened with the Neelys...

Because if you take that ape

and damage it in ways that
only humans can inflict damage,

watch it turn itself
into something it's not,

then our job is to take
those shattered parts

and, uh, bring them together,

and allow, through a--
a successful coupling,

those wounds to finally heal.

I figured now
that I know your taste in men,

I'd give you another chance
and ask you out to the movies.

Oh, God, you're drenched.

How long have you
been sitting there?

Hours.

And I jammed the zipper
putting it on,

so I'm not sure I'm ever gonna
be able to get this thing off.

Well, now I suppose
the only difference

between you and every other man

is that you wear your ape
on the outside.

I get the feeling
this wasn't a good idea.

I know that you were
trying to be sweet.

What happened?

What went wrong?

We were successful.

He mated.

But...?

But he... needed
some encouragement...

- from me.
- Mm-hmm.

And I-- I think I may
have taken it a little too far.

What's too far?

I showed my...

Mm.

But did you kiss him?

No.

No, I didn't.

Well, good.