Masters of Sex (2013–2016): Season 1, Episode 3 - Standard Deviation - full transcript

Previously on Masters of Sex...

VIRGINIA: I insinuated my way
in with you easily enough.

WILLIAM: You're forgetting
that I picked you for this job.

VIRGINIA: If that's what
you need to tell yourself.

LIBBY: Here he is,
this brilliant doctor,

stuck with a barren wife.

ETHAN: There is no way
the great Bill Masters

is going to admit
he's shooting blanks.

WILLIAM:
My wife is coming in next week.

We've decided she'll join
my cervical-cap trial.

I've just returned
from Provost Scully's office.



He shut down my study
as of this morning.

You jeopardized the study.

As a result, you're fired.

I expect you to sit at your desk
until your replacement is hired.

BETTY: The doc here will
demonstrate all of his...tricks.

VIRGINIA:
People are clueless about sex.

And you ladies, you're the experts.

WILLIAM:
What is she doing here?

BETTY:
Saving your bacon.

WILLIAM: Why would you want to
reverse your tubal ligation?

BETTY: I don't know, genius.
To have kids?

WILLIAM: But why on God's earth
would you want to have kids?

You're a lesbian and a prostitute.

BETTY:
A little respect.



VIRGINIA: Can we speak honestly
about what's really going on here?

You need me in the study.

So, am I rehired? Yes or no?

WILLIAM:
You have a job tomorrow.

Beyond that...

I really can't tell the future.

WILLIAM: Sylvilagus floridanus.
Eastern cottontail.

The frisky one is Romeo, the buck.

See the way he swats her
with his paws?

A courtship ritual.

If the doe is amenable,

she, uh, she offers herself by
lifting up her tail, like so...

The buck mounting from behind.

See, he grips her by the neck
with his teeth

so she can't escape.

[ Cage rattling ]

Now, I-I spent two months

trying to coax the female
into ovulation with no success.

Turns out the female
has no estrus cycle.

She spontaneously ovulates
when mounted by the male.

BARTON: I'll never look at
Margaret's furs the same way again.

[ Rattling stops ]

- Is he dead?
- WILLIAM: No. Sleeping it off.

The male passes out
at the moment of climax.

BARTON:
The buck stops here.

WILLIAM:
Gestation lasts a month.

She can birth four to six kits

and be ready
for another affaire de coeur

within 72 hours.

BARTON:
That's...very edifying.

WILLIAM: And simple, really...
Well, for rabbits.

It's more complex when you
move up the evolutionary chain.

BARTON: If you're thinking of mating
rhesus monkeys down here,

you'd better
clear it with Dean Gladstone.

WILLIAM: You know, humans have
taken the basic impulse for sex

and turned it into
some unrecognizable ordeal...

romance, chivalry, codes of etiquette,

which necktie should I be wearing,

should I say goodnight at the curb

or walk her to the door?

What if we could just
cut through the maze

to the essentials?

What if we could understand
the basic physiology

underneath all that nonsense?

BARTON: Are things
not going well with Caroline?

WILLIAM:
[ Sighs ]

Caroline went back to Tennessee.

I haven't spoken to her in a month.

I want to study humans...
Human sexuality.

- It's never been done.
- BARTON: For good reason.

WILLIAM: When they asked George Mallory
why'd he climb Everest,

remember what he said?

BARTON:
Mount Everest doesn't ejaculate, Bill.

WILLIAM: [ Sighs ]
The real truth, Barton, is...

[Laughs]
I don't know anything about sex.

And you don't, either.

But wouldn't you like to know?

I mean, wouldn't everyone
like to know some answers?

Wouldn't we all be so much better off

if we could shine a light
into the darkness?

BETH: The wedding is in May.
It's at St. Alben's.

WILLIAM:
Deep breath.

BETH:
[ Breathes deeply ]

[ Clears throat ]

I'm thinking I should lose six pounds.

Don't you think
I'd look better in my dress

if I lost six pounds?

WILLIAM: I don't.
You're the picture of good health.

Should we discuss
why you're really here?

Have you become sexually active?

BETH:
Oh, God, no. It's just...

If we were to...

consummate the marriage...

WILLIAM:
I hope you will.

BETH:
[ Chuckles nervously ]

Um...

I have three semesters left at Maryville,

a-and, well, with... with
Willard's salary at the bank...

WILLIAM: The ancient Inuits had
a system for family planning.

They used to toss unwanted children
into the arctic sea.

Modern birth control
is nothing to be ashamed of.

Do you know how to apply a condom?

BETH:
Oh! Um...

Uh. Oh.
I'm...not sure I could...

WILLIAM: There are other options...
Creams, jellies.

BETH:
L-like marmalade? Or...

WILLIAM:
The diaphragm is a rubber cap

that blocks
the passage to the uterus.

It's safe, effective,
and perfectly discrete.

BETH: All right.
I will take the small one.

WILLIAM:
The device is sized to fit your cervix.

BETH:
And my cervix is...where?

[ Clears throat ]

WOMAN: Yes, I think so.
How many months along are you?

[ Door opens ]
WOMAN 2: 6 1/2.

WOMAN:
Oh, how exciting.

VIRGINIA:
Bill.

The schedule for tonight.

We have a full dance card.

Our 9:00 backed out.

She had a previous date
with a customer,

but I convinced one of the other
girls at the brothel to fill in.

WILLIAM: Are you finished
with the intake forms?

Place them on my desk
as soon as they're done,

and I'll need you
to run down to the laundry

and pick up a lab coat
for a "Dr. DePaul"...

before lunch, preferably.

Ah, Miss Dimello.

Shouldn't you be answering phones?

BETTY:
You've been dodging me all week.

WILLIAM: Well, it might surprise
you to know I have patients.

BETTY:
And we had a deal, remember?

You wanted girls
for your little science project.

I gave you a harem.
Now it's your turn to pony up.

WILLIAM:
I gave you the job you wanted.

BETTY: I want that operation.
I want my tubes untied.

I'm getting married,
and my fiancé wants lots of kids.

- WILLIAM: Your fiancé, the Peanut King.
- BETTY: Pretzels.

WILLIAM:
A man who suddenly decided

a lesbian prostitute is
the answer to all his prayers.

If this figment of your imagination
actually marries you,

I'll buy you all the Wedgwood china
on your registry.

BETTY:
You're a smug bastard.

WILLIAM: I simply refuse to be drawn
into your peculiar fantasy life.

BETTY: Coming from you,
the one with fantasies

of hookers being plugged into wires.

A respectable doctor

watching naked prostitutes
hump an electric dildo.

WILLIAM:
I have a very full schedule.

I'll see what I can do.

Just don't...

Just don't come back to me

when you're alone and pregnant
and have nowhere to turn.

BETTY:
You're a prince!

VIRGINIA: Hello, ladies.
How lovely to see you again.

Everybody, please take a card.

These are your numbers.

Then we will consult the board
to see when your number's up.

That means we're ready for you.

DOTTIE: [ Chuckles ]
Like at the deli counter.

MAUREEN:
Except we're the meat.

[ Both chuckle ]

MAN: Whoa. I bet you taste
just like orange sherbet.

VIRGINIA:
I'm not on the menu.

WILLIAM:
Age?

MAUREEN:
Um...I don't know. 35?

Maybe you can count the rings
on my hoo-ha.

WILLIAM:
Are you sexually active?

VIRGINIA: Maureen, this is just an
early questionnaire from the hospital.

We wanted to get to know our subjects

before we wired them up,
and we still want to know.

MAUREEN: Okeydokey.
[ Chuckles ]

Yes, I'm sexually active.

Are you gonna ask me if I'm married?

WILLIAM:
That...is the next question.

MAUREEN:
I am.

My husband's a Rockefeller.

I only come here for the coffee.

WILLIAM: And how frequently
do you and your spouse en...

How frequently do you engage in coitus?

DOTTIE:
Co...

VIRGINIA:
Sex.

GINGER:
How much sex do I have?

I would say...a lot.

WILLIAM:
For example, five times per...

DOTTIE:
Day. Sure, on a good day.

WILLIAM: Perhaps we should
move on to the actual study.

All we're doing
is collecting physiological data

from the widest sample group possible,

and from that,
we'll build a statistical picture

of what happens to the body
during sex.

DOTTIE:
And what's that for?

WILLIAM:
It's a device for self stimulation.

MAUREEN: So, what? You plug me in,
and I, uh, diddle myself with this?

WILLIAM:
Until you climax, yes.

VIRGINIA:
Ulysses is really just a big vibrator.

You don't have to use it.

WILLIAM: It depends on how
you normally pleasure yourself.

MAUREEN: I take a midol and watch
"General Electric Theater."

[ Machine clicking ]

[ Springs squeaking ]

GINGER:
Okay, look.

You want me to come,
I can blow the doors off.

I just got to do it my own way.

WILLIAM: You can only climax
in the all-fours position?

GINGER: That's where I start,
but I need a little extra help.

WILLIAM:
Well, unfortunately,

Ulysses is the only
mechanical stimulation

we brought with us tonight.

[ Buzzing ]
MAUREEN: Ooh! [ Gasping ]

[ Stopwatch ticking ]

DOTTIE:
I'm sorry.

I just...
I don't think it's working.

[ Stopwatch clicks ]

WILLIAM:
Nearly 20 minutes.

Do you normally have
this much trouble climaxing?

DOTTIE:
Honestly, I haven't come in years.

In fact, I can't remember
what it feels like.

Do I still get paid?

MAUREEN:
[ Moaning ]

Oh! Oh!

WILLIAM: You're sure this is
the only way you can orgasm?

GINGER:
If I'm not sure, who is?

[ Stopwatch clicks ]

[ Sighs ] Tell him I'm not made of glass,
will ya?

VIRGINIA:
Ginger is not made of glass.

[ Stopwatch ticking ]

[ Smacks ]

GINGER: [ Moans ]
Harder.

[ Smacks ]
Oh, even harder!

[ Smacks ]
Oh, my God! Harder! [Gasps]

MAUREEN: Whoa! Whoo! Oh!
Here I come, sweetie. Yeah!

[ Smacking ]
GINGER: Oh, God! I'm coming!

[ Gasps ]

MAUREEN:
God, yes!

WILLIAM:
[ Grunts ]

GINGER:
[ Sighs ]

WILLIAM:
4 minutes, 22 seconds...

Very...efficient.

MAUREEN: [ Breathlessly ]
Right. Good. Anything for science.

VIRGINIA:
Maureen, the needle never moved.

MAUREEN:
Yeah? Is that technical-ese

for something
I'm supposed to understand?

WILLIAM:
Well, it means you faked your orgasm.

MAUREEN: Six nights a week,
matinées Wednesdays and Saturdays.

You've been a swell audience.

DOOLEY:
[ Panting ]

[ Grunts ]

ETHAN: Nurse Riley,
I need a wheelchair immediately!

[ Keys clacking ]

WILLIAM: They found you
an apartment on campus?

LILLIAN: It's serviceable...
close to the hospital,

where I expect
I'll spend most of my time.

WILLIAM: Virginia.
[ Clacking stops ]

The coat for Dr. DePaul.

- VIRGINIA: Doctor?
- WILLIAM: Lillian DePaul,

whom we were lucky enough
to lure away from Cornell.

I'd give you the nickel tour,

but I have a uterine prolapse upstairs.

VIRGINIA:
I could show Dr. DePaul around.

ETHAN:
Mrs. Masters, sorry about the wait.

LIBBY:
For heaven's sake, it's "Libby."

Let's not stand on ceremony.

Shall I, um...

ETHAN:
Just the blood work today.

The rest we will sort out
before the capping tomorrow.

Nothing worth doing comes easy.

LIBBY: Easier for some than others,
evidently.

- ETHAN: Mm.
- LIBBY: The nurses are all abuzz

about the pregnant woman,
your walk-in.

Is it really quadruplets?

ETHAN:
She nearly keeled over

when I told her
she had four on the way.

She's on bed rest downstairs.

Quick pinch.

LIBBY:
[ Inhales sharply ]

Please tell me
she's as big as a house.

ETHAN:
With a four-car garage.

LIBBY:
[ Laughs ]

Well, if she can't handle four,

I would be glad
to take one off her hands.

It's the Barrett Sisters all over again.

The quads from Texas?

It was in all the magazines...
Look, Life, True Story.

- ETHAN: Really?
- LIBBY: Mm.

There was also a whole spread
in Women's Day...

Color photos of the four
little girls and the doctor.

Mm. He looked just like
Montgomery Clift.

ETHAN:
I've got a fraternity buddy

who writes the local page
at the post-dispatch.

Kiwanis Club luncheons,
lost pets.

He would chew his arm off
for a story like this.

No such thing as bad publicity.

BARTON:
Sure there is... Stillbirth.

Do you know the perinatal mortality rate
in multiple pregnancy?

We don't count chickens.

WILLIAM:
I promise you I can handle it.

BARTON: Masters will handle it.
It's a high-risk case.

ETHAN:
It's my high-risk case!

BARTON:
[ Chuckles ]

ETHAN: Look, my fellowship
is up in six months.

I'd like to be considered
for a staff position.

You were a young doctor once.

BARTON: [ Chuckles ]
Back in the Paleozoic.

ETHAN: I've been riding shotgun
with Bill Masters

for a year and a half.

I have learned
everything he has to teach.

BARTON: Well,
you're certainly cocky enough.

Maybe you've learned something
from Bill after all.

All right.

The quads are yours,

but no showboating in front of the press
until after they're born.

And I want Masters in there
with you as your second.

Understood?

ETHAN:
Absolutely.

VIRGINIA:
The cafeteria is open until 8:00.

It's not exactly haute cuisine,

but they do make
a mean chocolate pudding.

And the east wing is down there.

It's psychiatrists, osteopaths,
something called "phlebotomy"...

Don't ask me what happens there.

LILLIAN:
Venipuncture.

VIRGINIA:
Venipuncture, right.

So, doctor,
why did you leave Cornell?

LILLIAN: Woman's medicine, ironically,
is a bit of a boys' club.

VIRGINIA:
[ Chuckles ] Yes.

There's no shortage of testosterone
around here, either.

It's nice to see a woman
in a lab coat for a change.

Doctor...

Working at Dr. Masters' desk,

it comes with certain privileges...

expedited testing access to equipment,

so if there's anything
I can ever do to help you get...

LILLIAN:
I could use a coffee.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

- VIRGINIA: Sugar?
- LILLIAN: Black.

[ Indistinct conversations, laughter ]

MAN:
How are you?

VIRGINIA: I took the liberty of
changing some of the questions,

the ones that didn't seem to apply.

Mind if I try them out?

WILLIAM:
Seems to be your strong suit.

VIRGINIA:
Getting on well with the girls?

WILLIAM:
Taking liberties.

VIRGINIA:
Age?

ARDA: 20 next week.

VIRGINIA: And obviously
you're sexually active,

but seeing how
sex is also your work...

do you ever get pleasure
from intercourse?

ARDA:
Eventually.

I get money from intercourse.
I get pleasure from money.

You want to know do I come?

VIRGINIA:
Do you?

ARDA: Some pleasures
even money doesn't buy.

[ Both chuckle ]

VIRGINIA: What is your
first association with sex?

ARDA:
Anchors.

WILLIAM:
I'm sorry?

ARDA: I, uh, grew up over in Wathena,
my uncle's place.

There was this wallpaper in my room...

baby blue with little anchors on it.

My uncle never had much use
for me, till I filled out.

After that,
I wasn't exactly a prizefight.

He'd pin my arms.

I'd look at those anchors
and think about joining the Navy...

See the world.

Nobody told me they don't take girls.

[ Chuckles ]

VIRGINIA:
W-what about your parents?

Your aunt or...

ARDA:
Just my uncle. That's it.

You want to know about sex,
he's the one you ought to talk to.

Taught me everything I know.

What else you got?

WILLIAM:
Nothing. Thank you.

Perhaps we should, uh,
proceed to the exam.

MAN: Yeah, right there.
Yeah, that's it.

WOMAN:
[ Speaking indistinctly ]

MAN:
Oh, shit. [ Moaning ]

- VIRGINIA: [ Sighs ]
- WOMAN: [ Moaning ]

MAN:
[ Grunting ]

WOMAN:
[ Speaking indistinctly ]

MAN:
Yeah.

WOMAN:
[ Speaking indistinctly ]

VIRGINIA:
"Acute...salpin..."

- WILLIAM: Salpingitis.
- VIRGINIA: Salpingitis.

Does even one of the girls
have a clean bill of health?

WILLIAM:
Not one.

I've seen eight cases
of skenitis... gonorrhea...

an epidemic of P.I.D...
pelvic inflammatory disease.

Not exactly the broad
sample group I had in mind.

Plus, we're ignoring half the picture
because there's no men in the study.

- MAN: [ Grunting ]
- WOMAN: [ Grunting ]

[ Thumping ]

Yes! Oh!

VIRGINIA: How hard could it be to
scare up a few men around here?

WILLIAM: I've asked.
Clients are a nonstarter.

VIRGINIA: And when has a
nonstarter ever stopped us?

You.

- WILLIAM: Fine. Go get Betty.
- VIRGINIA: I can't.

She's at the hospital,
resting up for surgery tomorrow.

WILLIAM:
[ Groans ]

BETTY:
Now you ask a favor,

when you're about to open me up
like a sardine can?

WILLIAM: I wouldn't ask
if it wasn't important.

BETTY:
More like blackmail.

WILLIAM: A practice with which
you're well acquainted.

BETTY:
So, how many guys do you want?

WILLIAM: Well, I've seen the specimens
that come through your door.

I just want them clean, healthy,
and statistically average.

BETTY:
Right-o.

Wheel me past a phone
before you slice me open, then.

WILLIAM:
I'll have the nurse handle it,

and I'll see you inside.

The procedure isn't long.

You're gonna be fine.

ETHAN: This way, we will have
the lay of the land

before we pop the hood.

DOOLEY:
Your friend's a real chatterbox...

From the newspaper.

They want a photo
to go with the contest.

ETHAN:
Contest?

DOOLEY:
"Name the quadruplets."

The winner gets a free toaster oven.

ETHAN:
No, no, no, no, no.

I told him to sit on the story
until after the delivery.

This has to stop now.
No more phone calls.

I don't care if it rings off the hook.

I'll handle the papers.

WOMAN: Operator.
How may I direct your call?

ETHAN:
I need an outside line.

[ Monitor beeping ]

[ Indistinct conversation ]

DOCTOR:
Scar tissue?

WILLIAM:
Retractor.

DOCTOR:
Christ, is that all P.I.D.?

DOCTOR 2: Yeah. Rumor is,
she used to be a party girl.

DOCTOR:
At least she's comfortable on her back.

DOCTOR 2:
[ Chuckles ]

WILLIAM:
Scrub out.

- DOCTOR: What?
- WILLIAM: Get out, both of you.

DOCTOR: Since when can't we joke
about some worn-out hooker?

WILLIAM:
Number 10 scalpel.

[ Knocks on door ]

VIRGINIA: Hi. I just checked in
on Bill's surgery.

It was supposed to be an hour.
It's now going on four.

LIBBY:
I'm used to sharing Bill

with half the expectant mothers
in Missouri.

You'll sit for a minute, won't you?

Another 12 hours,
then I'm on bed rest at home.

VIRGINIA:
Sure.

[ Woman speaking indistinctly on P.A. ]

LIBBY:
[ Chuckles ]

VIRGINIA: There's a television
in the doctors' lounge.

I could hijack it

and wheel it in
before Nurse Pratt sees me.

LIBBY:
We couldn't tell Bill.

He's like a hall monitor
when it comes to hospital rules.

VIRGINIA: Yes, unless he's the
one breaking them, of course.

LIBBY: Mm. Well,
he would definitely give me

the patented Bill Masters stare
for filching a TV.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Laughing ] I shouldn't laugh.
I'm not supposed to move.

VIRGINIA: You're not supposed
to be working, either.

What are you writing?

VIRGINIA: If I told you,
you would slip into a coma.

It's floral arrangements.

Mm. They have me planning
the Trinity Deacons' lunch.

[ Sighs ]

I wish I knew how to say no
to these things.

VIRGINIA: I can't put three stems in a vase
without it looking like a funeral.

LIBBY:
Some people have children.

I have seating charts

and a uterus incompatible
with conception.

[ Monitor beeping ]

WILLIAM:
Retractor.

I need more exposure.
Move it!

[ Sighs ]

Scalpel.

[ Sighs ]

WOMAN:
Dr. Masters.

Dr. Masters!

WILLIAM:
[ Sighs ]

Close her up.

GENE:
Is she gonna be all right?

WILLIAM:
Who?

GENE:
My Betty.

I'm Gene, her fiancé.

Oh, don't tell me it burst.

Her appendix?

WILLIAM:
Her appendix is fine.

GENE:
Oh.

[ Sighs ]

And she made me promise
not to come.

She said I worry too much.
I'm gonna give myself an ulcer.

WILLIAM:
There's nothing to worry about.

GENE:
Oh, thanks, God.

Yeah.
[ Grunts ]

I got big plans for Betty and me...

Three girls, three boys.

We'll probably get a dog, too.

Can I look in on her?

WILLIAM:
Let me talk to her first.

GENE: All right.

You know, Betty didn't lie...

Best doc in St. Louis, huh?

Huh?

[ Laughs ]

WILLIAM:
Take a seat.

BETTY:
[ Coughs ]

[ Coughs ]

WILLIAM:
It's the tracheal catheter.

Some soreness is normal.
Water will help.

[ Sighs ]

Y-you have chronic salpingitis, um...

An inflammation of the fallopian tubes
caused by pelvic infection.

I probably could have
reversed the ligation,

but the tissue damage...

It's too far gone.

It won't be possible
for you to get pregnant.

I'm sorry.

It was an abuse of hospital resources,

a waste of my time.

VIRGINIA: You did everything
you could to help her.

I'm sure she knows that.

WILLIAM: All to gather skewed data
from a house full of sexual invalids.

VIRGINIA: What matters is you
held up your end of the deal,

and so did Betty.

Tonight we have male subjects,
and I think you'll be pleased.

[ Sizzling ]

MAN: But I don't think measles
will photograph too well.

This picture's in technicolor,
so I better change it to scarlet fever.

[ Laughter ]

When I was 8,
I had the hiccups for two days.

This I'm not gonna change.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

DALE:
Dr. Frankenstein, I presume.

[ Laughter ]

MAN:
Let's face it... my life...

[ Door closes ]

VIRGINIA: Oh, you can keep
your pants on for now.

CARL:
I thought you wanted me to...

VIRGINIA:
We're going to talk first.

We'll get to know each other.

CARL:
Like a date?

VIRGINIA: And then Dr. Masters
will wire you up for the study.

MAN:
Oh, yeah.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

CARL:
What?

VIRGINIA: Uh, it's just, to be honest,
you're not what I expected.

CARL: Purse and heels?
[ Chuckles ]

VIRGINIA:
What I meant is...

that you just... you don't look
like a guy who pays for sex.

CARL:
Oh, I don't pay. Guys pay me.

I work out of the Commodore Hotel
downtown.

DALE: So, yank off,
but don't yank off the wires.

Got it.

WILLIAM:
The, uh, wires translate voltage

from your heartbeat
into graphic notations on paper.

DALE:
It draws pictures?

WILLIAM: It draws waveforms,
from which we draw conclusions

about the physiology of masturbation

and sex more broadly.

DALE:
How broadly?

You're gonna study actual sex?

WILLIAM:
Eventually.

DALE:
Queer sex, too?

WILLIAM:
So you're...

- DALE: Light in the loafers?
- WILLIAM: Homosexual.

DALE:
Uh, well, I fuck men...

or get fucked, mostly.

Dealer's choice.

WILLIAM:
And...

is that, uh, stimulating for you...
the passive role?

DALE: Depends on the John,
the position.

I like to work on my back.

WILLIAM:
As in the, uh, missionary...position.

I'm afraid I don't follow.

DALE: [ Laughing ]
Christ, you're green.

You know...
Guys pay to watch all the time.

You're a man of science.

Why don't I grab Carl, and...
we'll show you how it's done.

WILLIAM:
[ Clears throat ]

VIRGINIA: Well, it looks like
you've had a productive session.

WILLIAM: It is utterly impossible
to continue the study here.

The sampling is hopelessly biased.

VIRGINIA:
Biased?

WILLIAM:
Prostitutes.

Homosexuals.

They're three standard
deviations from the norm.

You can't deduce
a model of normal physiology

with...outliers and misfits.

[ Scoffs ]

We're...
We're so far from the bell curve...

We can't even hear it ringing.

VIRGINIA:
So, what do we do?

WILLIAM:
I don't know.

BARTON:
You sure made a hash of this, Bill.

You've got to go easy on the forceps.

Your old man never taught you
how to barbecue?

WILLIAM: Oh,
he's not much of an outdoorsman.

BARTON:
[ Chuckles ]

So, now that you've got

a medical degree burning
a hole in your pocket,

how do you plan to spend it?

WILLIAM:
Uh...

If... if one really intended to, uh...

pursue the...
the science of human sexuality...

BARTON: Oh, don't start.
I thought we settled this.

WILLIAM:
But if one did?

BARTON:
Because one was deranged?

WILLIAM:
One was determined, you know?

How... How would one go about it?

BARTON:
[ Chuckles ]

WILLIAM:
Come on. H-Hypothetically.

BARTON: Well, you'd need to be
out of short pants, for one thing.

A young buck in his 20s
doing this kind of work,

you'd look like a Peeping Tom.

WILLIAM: [ Chuckles ]
So, how... How old?

BARTON:
40 at least,

and you'd need an established practice
at a world-class teaching hospital,

something in a respectable field.

WILLIAM:
Urology?

BARTON:
Obstetrics.

You'd also need a spick-and-span
image, a perfect family.

That means a wife.

If Caroline's kaput, you ought
to take a night off work.

Ask a nurse to the pictures.

- WILLIAM: Ugh.
- BARTON: No! Call it research.

WILLIAM:
I'm... I'm waiting for the right girl.

BARTON:
[ Chuckles ]

Hey!

VIVIAN:
Are we having hamburgers?

BARTON:
Yes, we are.

The world isn't kind to mavericks, Bill.

You want to lead
an unconventional life,

you got to learn to hide
in plain sight.

WILLIAM: Chief of Police Duncan,
Archbishop Peter O'Reilly,

David Anhauser, Wyatt Busch,

Richard Amberg at the St. Louis Globe,

and all seven members
of the board of trustees,

starting with Donald Morris.

VIRGINIA: And what are we
going to do with these names?

WILLIAM:
In 12 years at Washington University,

I've delivered 3,000 babies.

I have given families
to the leading lights in this community,

and now these men are gonna help me.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

VIRGINIA:
By?

WILLIAM: I don't know yet, but
Scully will have to listen to them.

They will remind Scully
of my value to this hospital.

REPORTER: You told me
you would give me a quote.

ETHAN: I told you to stay away
from my patient and this hospital.

ETHAN:
How about I just call the police?!

REPORTER:
You got a quote on the quad case?

- WILLIAM: The what?
- REPORTER: Quads, here at the hospital.

Considering this is the first
instance of quadruplets

here at maternity hospital,

what are the risks involved
with such a case, Dr...Masters?

WILLIAM: She's a 30-year-old
primipara with quadruplets.

This raises her odds
of placental abruption

by a factor of 3,

toxemia by a factor of 10.

ETHAN:
Her blood pressure is stable.

WILLIAM: She should have been
sectioned out days ago.

Dr. Haas can watch the delivery
from the observation deck.

ETHAN:
It is my fucking case!

WILLIAM: Which you should never
have taken in the first place.

This is high-risk surgery.
He's a fellow.

BARTON: Which is exactly why I had
him call you in as his second.

WILLIAM:
Well, that's the first I'm hearing of it.

ETHAN:
You don't have enough to do?

You have to come in here
and steal my patient?

I can handle this delivery.

ETHAN:
You'll catch the next one.

[ Door slams ]

[ Monitor beeping ]

WILLIAM:
There you go. There you go.

Cut.

GLADYS: Apparently,
she's an O.B. from New York.

RAMONA:
You'd think she'd have more pizzazz.

GLADYS: Not Manhattan... Ithaca.
It's practically Canada.

[ Chuckles ]

VIRGINIA:
She got her M.D. at Harvard,

surgical fellowship with Hollinger
at Penn.

I read his letter of recommendation,

and it said,
if his eyes had been closed,

he would not have known
she was a woman.

RAMONA:
I can't tell with my eyes open.

VIRGINIA:
I think it's inspiring, actually...

A woman making a life
for herself on her own steam.

I just can't believe they
put her in with the secretaries.

GLADYS: Well, I don't care
where she went to school.

No lady doctor's looking up my skirt.

RAMONA:
Just the thought is revolting.

[ Knocks on door ]

VIRGINIA:
Hello?

Libby?

Lib?

LIBBY:
[ Gasps ]

VIRGINIA:
Lib?

LIBBY:
Gini.

VIRGINIA: The door was unlocked.
I don't want to intrude.

Bon appétit.

LIBBY:
Oh, it's beautiful.

VIRGINIA: Well,
it looked better on the can.

- You don't have to eat it.
- LIBBY: [ Laughs ]

I don't know what to say.

VIRGINIA:
It was Bill's idea.

He's up to his elbows
in the quadruplet surgery,

and he didn't want you to starve.

I should probably get back
before I lose another sitter.

Is there anything
I can do for you before I go?

LIBBY:
Uh, there's a...

There's a box up on
the top shelf of the closet.

Green one.

VIRGINIA:
Oh, they're darling.

LIBBY: Take them and give them
to a... a mother from the ward.

Someone should get some use
out of them.

VIRGINIA:
Libby.

LIBBY:
I found this in Bill's drawer.

It's a statistical view
of female sterility.

[ Breathes sharply ]

For my condition, it's 8%.

That's the number...

An 8% chance
that I will ever be pregnant.

All the tests and treatments...
Bill was just humoring me.

[ Crying ]

He deserves a family.

But it's never gonna happen
because of me.

VIRGINIA:
No. That's not true.

LIBBY: And I'm so stupid.
I bought baby clothes.

VIRGINIA: You're not stupid,
and it's not your fault. It's Bill.

You don't have a condition, Libby.

It's Bill. He's the one.

He's the one with the problem.

His sperm count.

I saw your file.

LIBBY:
Oh, my God.

That's... Oh, no.

[ Crying ]

E-Ethan knows, too.
Everyone but me.

VIRGINIA:
You can't say anything to Bill.

Please, if he found out I told you...

I'm so sorry, Libby. I am.

It just... It doesn't seem right,
you blaming yourself.

DALE:
I looked for you at the whorehouse.

WILLIAM:
How do you know where I work?

DALE:
I've been on campus once or twice.

I was thinking about your science project.

I figure I can help you.

I know a lot of guys.

They'd be glad to make a quick buck.

WILLIAM:
I'm not interested in that.

DALE: Not in that way.
You need warm bodies, right?

WILLIAM:
Our needs have changed.

DALE: Look, I never thought
that I'd be something

a scientist would want to study.

I like the idea.

I want to be part of it.

If it's about the money...

WILLIAM: We're conducting a study
on normal human behavior.

Dale:
You're saying I'm a deviant?

WILLIAM: I'm saying you deviate...
statistically.

Homosexual behavior lies outside the norm,

therefore outside
the purview of our study.

The medical community
would never accept it.

DALE:
Okay.

It's funny, I guess.

You're the second person
in the medical community to fuck me.

WILLIAM:
What do you mean?

WOMAN: My eyesight is bad.
[ Door opens, closes ]

MAN:
Why don't you wear glasses?

- WOMAN: Glasses?!
- MAN: Sure. Why not?

WOMAN:
'Cause they're terrible.

[ Footsteps ]

WILLIAM:
Libby?

WOMAN: Of course,
they're not so bad on men.

WILLIAM:
You're out of bed.

LIBBY:
I didn't cook.

You'll have to fend for yourself.

WILLIAM:
I'm not hungry.

How was your day?

LIBBY:
Interesting.

WILLIAM:
Mm. So was mine.

I know these treatments are difficult.

But you'll be yourself in a few days,

I promise.

God knows we all have
our cross to bear.

BARTON:
Smile pretty for the camera.

Bill, P.R.'s part of the job,
keeps the incubators running.

Five minutes.
It's a necessary evil.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

MAN: Dr. Masters!
MAN 2: Dr. Masters!

BARTON: 1 in 700,000...
Those are the odds for quadruplets.

You're more likely
to get struck by lightning

picking a four-leaf clover.

And I'm not gonna tell you
the survival rate

'cause it'll turn your hair white.

It was the great fortune of
their mother and this hospital

that we had a
one-in-a-million surgeon on hand

to shepherd four perfect babies
into the world,

my colleague and dear friend
Dr. William Masters.

[ Applause ]

MAN:
With the babies. Hand him a baby.

MAN 2:
All right, get in nice and tight.

- MAN: Smile.
- MAN 2: Right here.

- MAN: One shot.
- MAN 2: Dr. Masters, right here.

- MAN: Perfect.
- MAN 2: Very nice. Very nice.

[ Baby cries ]
MAN: There you go.

VIRGINIA:
Betty.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

They said you'd checked out.
I thought I'd missed you.

BETTY:
Gene's pulling the wagon around.

Ah, it's gonna slip right off.

[ Chuckles ]

Um...

You know what he told me?

He said, firstborn son, he wants
to name it after Bill Masters.

He's practically painting
the nursery already.

VIRGINIA:
Betty, lots of women can't have children.

He will understand.

If he really wants to marry you...

BETTY: He won't understand
'cause I'm not gonna tell him.

VIRGINIA:
What do you mean?

BETTY: I'm gonna wear my white dress,
say my vows,

and start my new life
with the Pretzel King.

VIRGINIA:
You have other options.

BETTY: Answering phones
for a buck 10 an hour?

VIRGINIA: Maybe not that,
but...what about Helen?

BETTY:
You want to get somewhere...

You hitch your wagon to a man.

That's what you're doing,

following the doc around
like a cocker spaniel.

VIRGINIA:
I am Dr. Masters' assistant.

BETTY:
And because he's in love with you,

you know you can use it
to your advantage.

Don't act like you don't know
what I'm talking about.

VIRGINIA:
That is absurd, Betty.

GENE:
All right, let's shake a leg.

I'm double-parked. Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

- Oh, hi. Hi.
- VIRGINIA: Hi.

GENE: You must be one
of Betty's girlfriends.

Nice to meet you.

Don't feel bad. She...
She doesn't introduce me to anyone.

BETTY:
[ Laughs ]

GENE: If I didn't know any better,
I'd say you were trying to hide me.

BETTY: Oh, this here's Virginia,
the doc's secretary...

Sorry.
[ Clears throat ]

Assistant.

Just another hard-working girl
doing the best she can.

GENE: Good for you.
Nice to meet you.

Ready?

VIRGINIA:
Nice to meet you.

GENE:
Hold on, there.

- Oh, sorry, honey.
- BETTY: That's all right.

LIBBY:
[ Sighs ]

[ Door closes ]

Well, you and Bill
make quite the team,

wouldn't you say?

ETHAN:
I don't know I'd say that.

Hmm.
[ Clicks tongue ]

That is the damndest thing.

LIBBY: I think there's some information
you haven't shared with me, Ethan.

ETHAN:
You're right. There is.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Bill thinks that he can do
everything by himself.

But, technically,

I'm the one
who got his wife pregnant.

LIBBY:
[ Crying ]

ETHAN:
[ Laughs ]

[ Typewriter dings ]

VIRGINIA:
[ Sighs ]

[ Door opens, closes ]

WILLIAM: Take these to the laundry,
no starch, and call Scully's office.

Tell him I'm coming up to see him.

VIRGINIA:
What's happening with the study?

Because I'm a little confused.

At night,
you treat me like a colleague,

and here,
I seem to be your errand girl.

WILLIAM: You're my secretary.
The job description is clear.

VIRGINIA:
Not to me.

I don't understand.

If you think that I'm qualified
to conduct scientific research

when it comes to the study,
how I am not qualified...

WILLIAM: At the moment,
there is no study.

The brothel is a disaster,
and the study is forbidden here,

something you had a hand in,
I might remind you.

Also, in case you've forgotten,

uh, it has taken me over
20 years to get where I am...

pre-med, medical school,
a grueling residency

that finally landed me in
a world-class teaching hospital.

Now, when you have that kind
of experience under your belt,

you can tell me to take
the lab coats to the basement.

Is that clear enough?

[ Door closes ]

What I'm saying is
I can't conduct my research in a brothel,

and this study will suffocate

without the respectability
of this hospital.

BARTON: Dear God,
you are a dog with a bone.

WILLIAM: I'm more like a cash
cow to you... to this hospital.

And I'm on the front page,
in case you hadn't noticed.

That kind of publicity
could buy you a new wing...

instead of a long and costly
lawsuit over four dead newborns,

which is where you were headed
until I stepped in.

BARTON:
Which is why I put you on the case.

WILLIAM: I could just as easily,
uh, tell the press the truth...

that you actually
put a fellow on the case.

BARTON:
Do not fuck with me, Bill!

Because when it comes
to throwing weight around,

I will crush you into dust,

even if I don't want to.

Now, four babies are downstairs

that wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for you.

It was a good day.
Go home to your wife.

Come back tomorrow
to the job you were meant to do.

WILLIAM:
[ Sighs ]

You know, I met a young man
at the brothel...

A prostitute, a homosexual.

He came to see me last night.

BARTON:
For Christ's sake, Bill.

WILLIAM: He opened my eyes
to a few, uh, realities.

BARTON: I mean it...
Spare me the lurid details.

WILLIAM:
The men who pay to see him...

They're not convicts or reprobates.

They're not degenerates.

They're family men,

living a double life,
suffering in the shadows.

I don't believe in shadows.

I believe
in the light of scientific inquiry.

I believe I have
a responsibility to those men,

whether they're salesmen
or lawyers...

or a provost of a major university.

[ Sighs ]

I'm begging you to reconsider.

If not for my sake,

then for those men in the shadows.

BARTON:
What the hell is this, Bill?

WILLIAM:
It's a necessary evil.

BARTON:
Thought you'd gone AWOL.

WILLIAM:
Uh, I'm not much for goodbye parties.

BARTON:
[ Chuckles ]

If they play "Meet Me in St. Louis"
one more time,

- I'm gonna give myself an auriculectomy.
- WILLIAM: [ Chuckles ]

Margaret looks happy.

BARTON: Ah, wife of the new
provost of Washington University?

She thinks she's Eleanor Roosevelt.

WILLIAM:
Well... She'll be missed.

BARTON:
Mm.

WILLIAM:
You both... both will.

BARTON: Dean Young tells me
that you you put in

for a fellowship in Wash U's
obstetrics department.

Wish I'd heard that from you.

WILLIAM: Well, I-I didn't want
you to feel like, you know,

you had to intervene.

I don't...
I don't think I impressed them.

BARTON:
Oh, they were impressed.

They thought you were

the most arrogant resident
they ever interviewed...

A smug, self-satisfied horse's ass.

- WILLIAM: Ah.
- BARTON: Yeah, "we can't take him

because we'd have to build
a separate wing for his ego"...

Something like that.

- WILLIAM: I see.
- BARTON: [ Chuckles ]

I, uh, I told Dean Young
he could take us both,

or he could take the provost job
and shove it.

So meet me in St. Louis?

[ Chuckles ]
Bill...

WILLIAM:
[ Sniffles ]

The study will resume
tomorrow evening

in the hospital.

♪ Believe the stars
that fill the skies ♪

♪ Are in my eyes ♪

♪ Guess you feel ♪
[ Door opens, closes ]

♪ You'll always be ♪

♪ The one and only one for me ♪

♪ And if you think you could ♪

LIBBY:
So glad you're home, daddy.

♪ Well, chances are,
your chances are ♪

Sit down.

♪ Awfully good ♪

♪ The chances are,
your chances are ♪

It's been a good day.

♪ Awfully good ♪