Master of None (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Thanksgiving - full transcript

Over a series of Thanksgivings from the '90s to the present, Denise settles into her sexuality and faces the challenge of coming out to her family.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Bob Barker] The first
Showcase Showdown.

On its way, ladies and gentlemen.

It is round and around and around
that it goes.

[cheers and applause on TV]

Where Denise at?

She upstairs with her little boyfriend.

[laughing] Oh, wait.
Denise got a little boyfriend?

- Mm-hmm.
- [laughs]

[cheers and applause on TV]

Y'all better stop running
through this house.

[Denise] Yes, Grandma.

Denise, what were y'all doing up there?

Watching Fresh Prince.

You weren't eating candy, were you?


Dev, do y'all even celebrate
Thanksgiving in your house?

Is that a thing y'all do
in the Indian community?

We have lunch together.

Then my dad watches The Godfather
and falls asleep.


Well, you are welcome to come have

Thanksgiving with us anytime you want.

What's the Indian community?


Dev is Indian.

Wait. I thought Dev was black.

- I'm brown.
- Black people are brown, too.

[Catherine] Oh, Lord.


Look, both of you are minorities.

What's a minority?

It's a group of people who have to work

twice as hard in life
to get half as far,

and, Denise, you a black woman,

so you gonna have to work
three times as hard.

- I know that's right.
- Mm-hmm.

You're both gonna be disenfranchised.

- Ma.
- I'm coming.

Like a McDonald's?


McDonald's is a franchise.

When people open up
their own McDonald's,

they just pay the big McDonald's man

a license fee so they can run it.

That's what a franchise is.

Denise, how the hell you know
what a franchise is

but you don't know Dev ain't black?

I'm confused.

- I'm a McDonald's?
- [sighs]

You a McDonald's,
and Denise is a Burger King.

Now, both y'all sit on down
so we can get ready to eat.

And I'm a big old White Castle, so...


[Joyce] Ooh, this looks good.

[Catherine] We gonna say grace first.

[Joyce] Oh.


[hip-hop music playing]

♪ ♪

Ooh, tell your mama to stop
smoking in the kitchen.

Child, I'm old. I can
smoke wherever I want.

[sighs] Dropping ashes
all in the potatoes.

It adds flavor.

I don't want no Newport potatoes.

I was trying to help.

[R&B music playing]

♪ ♪

[Dev] ♪ Skin is caramel
With the cocoa eyes ♪

♪ Even got a big sister by
the name of Chocolate Thai ♪

♪ Brown sugar babe ♪

♪ I get high on your love ♪

♪ Don't know how to behave ♪

What y'all doing in here?

Dev, now, what you
know about brown sugar?

You're 12 years old.
You still got some of your baby teeth.

Now, y'all ain't got no business
listening to these songs.

Look at Denise over there,
staring at D'Angelo.

[Catherine laughs]

♪ ♪

Denise, put on your dress

so you can look nice for dinner.

[Catherine laughs]

Man, this is some bullshit.

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ ♪

Denise, that does not look like
the clothes I picked out for you.

What happened to that nice dress?

It didn't fit right.

You better make it fit.

[Denise] Why can't I just wear this?

It's just us. Arsenio ain't coming.

- Arsenio's coming?
- No.

Catherine, let that child wear
what she want to wear.

And you watch your tone.

Thanks, Aunt Joyce.

All right, Ernestine,
hurry up and say this prayer.

Thank you, Jesus, for bringing
all our family together

in one room for another
Watkins family Thanksgiving.

I want to bless the hands
that made the food.

I want to bless the family
that's here today.

I also want to bless the extended family
that is here, little Dev.

- I also want to...
- Okay, we got it.

God is able. Jesus wept.

Can we please talk about O.J.?

I don't know what we gonna talk about.

He didn't do it.

What about all that blood?

How you know, Grandma?

'Cause I just know.

Ooh, if Nicole was black,
we wouldn't even be talking about this.

[Ernestine] I know that's right.

Honey, they are always trying
to take down our black icons.

[Ernestine] Mm-hmm.

- Look at Michael.
- Oh!

I still don't believe
he touched them kids.

Child, anytime these folks
see a black man coming up in the world,

making himself enough money
to be able to get himself a white woman,

they try to frame him.

What about Clarence Thomas?

Fuck his ass.

[man] A five-year-old boy was
found alive, clinging to an inner tube

approximately three miles off the coast
of Florida this morning

and was rescued by the...

You didn't put no parsnips
in that dressing, did you?

No, Mama. No parsnips.

That's my least favorite vegetable.

I hate them suckers.

[man] ...seventeen-foot aluminum boat
that broke apart...

[Ernestine exhales sharply]

Man, I told you this is stupid.

You can't play spades with two people.

I'm trying to make it work.
You wanted to play spades.

Let's see if Aunt Joyce wants to play.

She got a gambling problem. She can't

be around playing cards no more.

Hey, can I talk to you about something?

Yeah, sure. What's up?

All right, you know Erica?

- White Erica or black Erica?
- Nah, mixed Erica.

Oh, yeah, I know mixed Erica.
She's cute.

Nah, mixed Erica's fine as hell.


That's what I'm trying to say.

Like... I like her.

I have a crush on her.

Wait, are you trying to tell me
that you're...

you know?


- Wait. You're from Lebanon?
- No.

I just... I don't know how to...

I'm not comfortable with
the word, uh, "lesbian."

All right. So we'll say you're Lebanese.

I mean, I always thought
there was a good chance.

You're the only girl who wore
Jordans to the Spring Fling,

and you got those Jasmine
Guy posters up for years.

I always felt like
it wasn't about her acting.

And I have been dressing
like the Da Brat since preschool.

[Dev chuckles softly]

You gonna tell your mom?

Being gay isn't something
black people love to talk about.


Some black people think
being gay's a choice.

And when they find out
that their kid is gay,

they try to figure out
what they did wrong.

Gay Martin's white.
His parents did the same thing.

Yeah, but it's more
intense for black folks.

All right, so everything's
a contest for us,

and your kids are like trophies.

Me being gay is like
tarnishing her trophy.

I don't think being Lebanese
tarnishes the trophy.

There's plenty of straight trophies.

I think it's cool
you're a Lebanese trophy.

Thanks, dude.

Damn, this has been an intense talk.

You want to smoke some weed?

I got some shit that's dank.

[reggae music playing]

♪ ♪



- [laughs]
- [coughs]

Are you sure I'm supposed
to see a dolphin?

I don't see a dolphin.

I don't know, man.

I'm in another world right now.

[Catherine] Denise?

- [Catherine] Dev?
- Oh, shit.

- I thought she was going to the store.
- Me too. Be cool.

I'm cool. You be cool.

Shut up.

[knock on door]

[Catherine] What y'all up to?

Hey, Miss Wa... [yells]

What the hell, Ma?

It's just a hydrating mask.
You know I got a dry T-zone.

What you freaking out for?

We freaking out 'cause you're coming

in here looking like Dead Presidents.

You're supposed to be at the store.
Why are you here?

Yeah, I was going.
Shoot, Joyce say she can handle it.


how your parents?

They good?


I heard y'all were going
to Hawaii for Christmas.

You excited?


Well, this has been
a stimulating conversation.

- Yeah.
- Okay, bye, Mom.

- Uh-uh.
- Bye, okay?

Girl, don't be telling me
where I can go in my own house.

Are you all right?

'Cause I swear,
y'all look a little spaced out.

We're just tired.


All right, I'm leaving.

I'll see y'all later for dinner.

You really need to clean all this up.

I'ma give this to the Goodwill,
somebody who appreciate it.

D-did I seem too high?

Was that... was I cool?

We cool.
I'ma just kick it with Jen real quick.

[Catherine] How are you this tall
and you don't play basketball?

[Denise] I know. It sucks.

Basketball scholarship
would've come in real handy right now.


But I'm just glad you in college
and you ain't pregnant and on drugs.

You don't got to worry about me
getting pregnant.

Why? You got that UID thing?

Okay, first of all, it's not a UID.

Okay? It's not a thing.

- It's the IUD.
- Mm.

But you ain't got to worry
about me and pregnancy.

You got saved.

- You done come to the Lord.
- No.

I don't know why you
keep asking me that.


I'm not...

gonna get pregnant because...

I don't like having sex with men.

Have you tried it?


Then how you know you don't like it?

It's just something I know.

Well, what you trying to say?

What is the problem?

I'm just annoyed that I even have
to have this conversation with you.

What conversation?

I'm sitting here being normal.

You acting like a crazy person.



I'm gay.

You what?

I'm gay.

I've always been gay.

But I'm still the same person.

[Catherine tsks]

I'm still your daughter.

Nothing's changed.

What's wrong?

[Catherine breathes deeply]

- Ma, why are you crying?
- Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

I just... I don't want life
to be hard for you.

It is hard enough being a black woman
in this world.

Now you want to add
something else to that?

It's not like this was my choice.

It's just who I am.

Well, who else you done told?

- Just Dev.
- Yeah, of course.

You know you can't
tell your grandmother.


'Cause she won't be able to handle this.

And you know how forgetful she is.

You're gonna have to come out to her
every other week.


She do be forgetting stuff.

[Catherine sighs]

So how'd it go?

Well, it wasn't my all-time favorite
conversation with my mom,

but it was all right.

She cried, though.

Oh, man.

I figured she would.

She's a crier.

She tell you she loves you

and supports you no matter what
and all that stuff?

No, man.

This ain't an episode of Growing Pains.

She ain't say none of that.

But at least she didn't disown me,

'cause that be happening.


I guess it was a success.

So she's a butch queen?

[whispering] No.

I think that's something else
in the gay world.

[Joyce chuckles]

That's a world
I don't know nothing about, child.

[Catherine sighs]

I just wish I knew where I went wrong.

What do you mean, where you went wrong?

Denise ain't never been arrested,
she in college,

she keep a job,
and she respects her elders.

Honey, she want to lay around
with some women,

baby, that is her business.

[Catherine sighs]

Maybe I just should've spent
more time with her.

You spent plenty of time with that girl.

Is this 'cause I couldn't keep a man?

[Joyce laughs]

You not being able to keep a man
a whole 'nother conversation.

- Please.
- But being gay

- ain't got nothing to do with that.
- Oh, I know.

I just never thought
I would have a gay daughter.

Well, get used to it,
'cause one of these days,

she gonna bring home
one of her little girlfriends.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord!

Well, I just hope
she don't bring home no white girl,

'cause I don't want to see
no Jennifer Anistons up in here.

Oh, honey, Becky is coming.

[laughs] And Megan.

And Katie. [laughs]

All right, let's...
I'm gonna finish the peas.

[Joyce] Girl, it was about to get
serious, but I can't date nobody

with a collection of pinkie rings.

Why not? Ain't nothing wrong
with a little jewelry.

- You wear toe rings.
- [Joyce chuckles]

I dated a pimp once. [laughs]

[Dev] Dev, Dev, get them steps.

Dev, Dev, get them steps.

I can't believe your mom
turned your room into a gym.

Pretty harsh.

You know my mom likes to stay fit.

What time's Michelle getting here?

She should be here soon.

- You nervous?
- Hell, yeah.

It's the first time my family's
gonna see me with a woman.

My grandma don't really
know I'm gay yet,

so she still thinks she's my "friend."

All right. Don't stress.
I'm here. It's gonna be fine.

Have you talked to your
parents about Rachel yet?


- They don't know y'all live together?
- No.

I feel like all three of them
are gonna be mad at you about that.

Why would they be mad?

- Stupid.
- [doorbell rings]

Shit, here she is. Come on.

Michelle in the cut.

Ooh, my legs are sore.


[knock on door]

I got it. I got it.

Hey, yo, give me a second?

Sure, sure.

- Hey, boo.
- Hey.

- You're looking cute.
- Mm. Thank you.

[Denise] Thanks for the wine.

[Michelle] You know I have class.

[Denise] Uh-huh. Aunt
Joyce gonna love you.

- Ma, this is Michelle.
- Hi.

Michelle, this is my mom, Catherine.

- It's so great to...
- Nice to meet you.

- Yes.
- [Denise] Okay.

- Welcome...
- Okay. our home.

That was awkward.

Uh, this is my Aunt Joyce.

- Oh, it's so great to finally...
- What's happening?

- How you doing?

[Denise] What the hell? Really, Joyce?

Okay, anyway,
this is my grandma Ernestine.

[Ernestine] Hello, there.

- Ooh.
- This is my friend Michelle.

Welcome, darling.

- Thank you.
- Okay, Grandma.

That's Dev.

Hey. Friend of Denise's.

No relation to the Watkins.

Yeah, I figured.

Yeah, the whole me-being-Indian thing
probably tipped you off.

Fun Denise fact: when we were kids,
Denise thought I was black.

- [laughter]
- Okay.

Don't make me break out
the Halloween pictures, all right?

Remember when you went
as Indian Peter Pan?

Damn, why you got to hate on the Pan?

Remember when we were
black and Indian Mario and Luigi?

- That was cute.
- Shut up.

Oh, that look like the expensive shit.

- [Catherine] All right, come on.
- [Joyce] All right, Michelle.

I see what you're doing. Hey, yeah!

Good to meet you, Michelle.

[Denise] Okay.

Thanks, Ma.

- Oh.
- Get out of here.

- They're nice.
- Mm-hmm.

They... they are. They're great.

Um, Denise,

maybe we can take Michelle
to that Chinese restaurant

in Flushing I was telling you about.

Yeah, that sounds cool.

Dev, why you plotting your next meal

and you ain't finished the one
in front of you?

Never too early to plan ahead,

especially when it comes
to matters of the tum.

[clicks tongue]

Well, speaking of Chinese food,

Michelle was living in China
earlier this year.

Want to tell them about that, babe?

[Michelle] Yeah, um...

I was living in Shanghai
for about two months for work.

Mostly I just took pictures with people

who thought I was Beyoncé.

This one restaurant
even put my photo up on the wall.

I just didn't have the heart
to tell them the truth.

[Dev and Denise laugh]

I've always wanted to go to China.
Looks cool.

Yeah, it is.


Aunt Joyce?


Y'all have any thoughts on that?

Well, you know my hearing is bad.

Where did she go?

- China.
- Hmm?

China! She went to China, Grandma!


She lived in Shanghai
for two months for work!

And a lot of people thought
she was Beyoncé!

And this one restaurant
even put her photo on the wall,

but she didn't have the
heart to tell them!

[Ernestine] Oh.

I always liked China.

Mm. [chuckles]

You must be really smart.


[Ernestine] You're smart, and
you're cute. [chuckles]

You don't usually get both of those
in the same package.

Usually you only get one or the other.

Oh, thank you very much.

I could say the same thing about Denise.

[Catherine clears throat]

- [Catherine] Thanks.
- [Joyce] Mm.

Grandma Ernestine, your yams
turned out really nice this year!

You add a little nutmeg?


I said your yams
turned out really nice this year!

Did you add a little nutmeg?

She added nutmeg!
Don't you ask another fucking question!

Nutmeg, cinnamon, whatever the hell!

You know what go in the damn yams!

I don't have any appreciation
for what was going on at my table.

What are you talking about?

If you want to bring your friend
over here, that's fine,

but don't be making eyes and rubbing
backs and getting all fresh.

- I wasn't doing that.
- Oh, yes, you were.

I saw you. I know that look.

Oh, you used to make that look
for Rachel from Friends.

I always thought you
were looking at Joey.


Ma, are you serious?
That character was an idiot.

Look, you can be lesbian if you want to,

but when you come up in here,
you gonna respect my house.

Problem Child 2. Oh, shit.

What else we got?

Denise and Dev's Tap Dance Recital 1991?

Should we fire this up?

You remember the routine?

- 'Cause I don't.
- Man, sit your ass down.


When's your boo arriving here?

She should be here in a few minutes.

Wow. Thanksgiving invite.

Must be serious.

Yeah, man. I really like her.

Nice. What's her Instagram name?
I want to look her up.

Dude, you're literally gonna meet her
in a few minutes.

I know, but I want to look it up
beforehand, get a vibe.

[sighs] I forgot.

You forgot?

Look it up.


- [mumbles]
- W-what's that?

- NipplesAndToes23.
- Denise!

You can't be dating some girl with

the Instagram name NipplesAndToes23.

I know, man.
I'm trying to get her to change it.

[scoffs] I'm surprised
there was 22 other NipplesAndToes.

Let's see what we got here.

Oh, wow.

These are some provocative photos.

Okay, don't be looking at my girl, man.

Ooh. Really into fitness.

She is kind of naked there.

Well, maybe I shouldn't just paint her
with one brush.

She's clearly very political.

"I just voted."

Man, that wasn't for no damn election.

That was for So You Think You Can Dance.

Does she have some sort
of intense fabric allergy?

'Cause she is scantily clad
in a lot of these photos, Denise.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, shit!

NipplesAndToes in the building!
Let's go!

- I'll be there in a second.
- Okay.

See, that's the thing
about Sandra Bland, you know?

It's like, she reminded me
so much of myself.

Like, she was woke. She was confident.

She didn't take no shit.

The scary thing is,
that's what got her killed.

If Sandra was white, we wouldn't even
be having this conversation.

- [Denise] Yeah, you got that right.
- [Catherine] Yep.

That's why I keep telling y'all,

if the police pull you over,
just nod your head

and shut the fuck up.

Yo, Dev, what about the Indian grandpa?

Oh, yeah, it's big on the Indian people
email chains I'm on.

So apparently there was
this Indian grandpa in Alabama,

and he was walking
around his neighborhood,

and some lady called the cops and said,

"Oh, there's a black
guy walking around."

And so the cops are like,
"We'll look into it."

And they go over there,
and they try to talk to him,

and he doesn't speak English.

So he's confused.
He hasn't done anything wrong.

He tries to walk away.

Cop just grabs him,
slams him on the ground face-first,

and he's paralyzed now.

- [Catherine] Oh.
- [Joyce] Oh, my God.

I think I know the answer
to this question,

but did anything happen to the cops?

Nope. [sighs]

They said it was a
justified use of force.

Oh. That's horrible.


So I was watching the news
the other day, and apparently,

there's this bulldog
that set a world record

for skateboarding
through 30 people's legs.

DD, you seen that clip.

He was going through the legs like...

Yeah, that wasn't the news that was on.

That was WorldstarHipHop.

That's the news.

DD, let's take a selfie.

All right. Let's do it quick, though.

[Nikki] Ready?

[camera shutter clicks]

Oh, this has to go on the 'Gram.

Hey, Nikki,
what is your username on there?


Oh. What was it again?

[Nikki] NipplesAndToes23.

[Dev] I'm gonna add you real quick.

What... so NipplesAndToes43.

No, NipplesAndToes23.



Wait, is it "NipplesNToes,"
or is it "Nipples&Toes"?

[Nikki] No, it's "nipples"
and the word "and,"

A-N-D, "toes23."

- So Nipples, A-N-D, toes.
- [Nikki] Yes.

- So Nipples...
- [both] AndToes.

- [Nikki] Twenty-three.
- So...

[both] NipplesAndToes23.

- [Nikki] Yeah!
- Got the nipples. Got the toes.

I think it's very clear
what her username is.

[men yelling indistinctly on TV]

- Hey, Dev.
- What?

Do you mind scooting to the floor
so I can stretch?

[sighs] Sure.

Thank you.

- DD.
- Yeah.

Can you pass me the blanket?

[men continue yelling on TV]

You good?

[men continue yelling on TV]

Ooh, I'm so comfy, so cozy.

Hey, I'm glad you're all cozy and comfy,

but you mind not talking so much
during the movie?

Yeah, babe, this, like,
a really intense part.

[man] Get the fuck up!


[men continue yelling on TV]

Get the fuck up, boy!

[man] Get up, asshole!

Keep faking it!

[man] Get up, asshole!

Wait, one more thing.

- DD.
- Yeah.

Can you make me
your special chocolate milk?

I'll get your milk. I'm
getting up anyway.

DD, tell him your recipe.

Denise, what's the recipe?

I just do what's on the back
of the bottle, dude.

Don't seem too special.

[men continue yelling on TV]


Who the hell is this girl?

I don't know.

I just met her tonight, but I feel like

I've already seen her naked,
even though she's fully clothed.

- She's a thot, right?
- What's a thot?

A T-H-O-T.

"That ho over there."


- It's an acronym.
- You know what?

I'm not in love
with this whole lesbian thing,

but I at least want my child
to date a girl who got some sense.

What happened to Michelle?

Michelle wanted them
to move in together.

Denise wasn't ready.

They got into a big fight,
and they broke up.

That sounds familiar.

Well, shit, I don't believe
in shacking either.


Mm, mm, mm.

[Joyce sighs]

Does anybody know why the hell
she keep calling Denise "DD"?

Where is the second D coming from?

And for the record,

I'm about to make this grown woman
some chocolate milk.

- Fill me up.
- [laughs]


[Denise] Yo, man.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

Got to say,

I'm glad Michelle's
coming through this year.

- We don't have to deal with Nikki.
- [scoffs]

Although the nickname DD
was starting to grow on me.

Okay, dude, don't ever call me that.

So how's everything with Michelle?

Things good since you guys
got back together?

Yeah, man, it's really good.
We got a couples therapist now.

Learning how to communicate better.

- Learned about love languages.
- Mm, love languages.

Yeah, dude, it's a thing.

We're really on a high right now

'cause I killed it for her birthday.

What'd you do?

Well, a friend of mine's a chef, right?

So he came over and cooked
a little nice, intimate meal

for me and five of her closest friends.

Yeah, we lit candles, all that.
Super fly.

- Mm, I see you.
- You know how I do.

Before the night was over,
I had New Edition come through

and sing her favorite song,
"Can You Stand the Rain."

What? How'd you get New Edition?

Oh, I didn't get the real New Edition.

Got the New Edition cover band,
New Addition, A-D-D-I-T-I-O-N.

- Mm, love the name.
- Yeah.

The Filipino Johnny Gill was no joke.


[doorbell rings]

Oh, I should go.

[R&B music playing]

♪ ♪

[clears throat]

So Dev and Denise never
help with the cooking?

Unless you count
Dev's macaroni taste test,

then, no.

Well, I'd love to help.


Well, uh...

grab that platter and plate
some of the cornbread for me.

[clears throat]

I like that outfit you got Denise.

Yeah, um...

it's nice to mix it up
so she's not always wearing sweatpants

and a hat that says "Ratch."

[laughs, sighs]

Yeah, well...

[Michelle clears throat]

I remember when she was
in the eighth grade.

She wore a John Starks Knicks jersey
to school the whole year.

Then she spilled gravy all over it,

and she still wore
it for another month.


I had to sneak up in
her room and take it

to give it to the Goodwill.

That's good to know.

I might just have to spill some gravy
on that "Ratch" hat.

[both laughing]

I know that's right.

- [Catherine laughing]
- What y'all in here laughing about?

Don't you worry about it.

I'm just gonna take this out.

[Catherine] Thank you.

I think this is gonna be
a lovely Thanksgiving, Denise.

Yeah, I think so.

And, uh, I like Michelle.

I like her, too.


I'm happy for you.

Guys, I just got a text from Nikki.

Um, she's kicking it with that bulldog

that skateboards through people's legs.

They're close by,
wondering if they can roll through.

DD, you want to get
the chocolate milk ready?

- [Dev laughs]
- [Denise] Okay.

So I'm just never gonna
live that down, huh?

Hey, I was nice to her.

I made her chocolate milk.

Yeah, but you ain't do
the right recipe, though.

You messed up the ratio.

You put too much of the powder in there.


[Michelle] So, Dev, do you come over

for every Thanksgiving?

Oh, yeah. He's here every year.

Since he was a little boy.

The two of them playing upstairs
with toys.

Then when they was teenagers,

smoking weed and playing 'intendo.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, please.

I found one of your sad
little blunts in the trash.

It was depressing.

I smoked it, though.


[Dev] Wait, so you guys knew?

Coming down to dinner all bug-eyed

and smelling like lemon air freshener.

Thinking y'all was slick. Please.


[Ernestine] What are
y'all laughing about?

[Joyce] Go ahead.

[Dev] So, Grandma, when
we were teenagers,

we used to go upstairs and smoke weed,

and we didn't think they
knew, but they did!

[Ernestine] Oh, yeah, I remember that.

The whole house smelled like reefer.


[Catherine] Can we say grace?

[Catherine sighs]

[soul music playing]

♪ ♪