Master of None (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Door #3 - full transcript

Ain't no party like a cupcake party

'cause a cupcake party starts

Wednesdays at eight.

Clash of the Cupcakes,

only on Food TV.

Cut. All right, Dev,
a few more promos left.

For these next ones,
let's do it with a little moxie.

Like, you know, put some energy in it.

Sure, Lawrence. More moxie.

Okay.

Ask not what your cupcakes can do for you.



Ask what you can do for your cupcakes.

Clash of the Cupcakes is all new,

Wednesdays at eight, only on Food TV.

Jesus, who wrote these?

I did.

Is there a problem?

- No.
- Didn't think so.

Just read the damn lines.

PTSD warning:

Pretty Tasty Sweet Delights.

All right, we can't do that one.

That's definitely offensive.

Excuse me for trying
to do something for the troops.

We got, like, 20 more to shoot anyway.



We really need to relight.

- Are the ones we did not usable?
- Nah.

- Jeez.
- And Chef Jeff's here.

- He wants to see you.
- Okay.

Hey, Dev, you got some crumbs here.

Oh, thank you.

Don't want those crumbs showing up in HD.

God, you know, you have really nice skin.

Just got this nice mocha glow.

Mm, mocha glow? Thank you.

I normally just get "brown."

- All good? Thanks, guys.
- I'll see you.

Hey, Jeff!

What up, fam?

- How are you?
- All right.

Good to see you.

Who the fuck is that?

Oh, um, that's Lisa. She does makeup.

She is fine, man. Is she single?

- I don't know.
- You need to ask her out.

What the fuck you doing talking to me?

She is cute. I don't know
if that's in the cards, though.

You're cray, okay?
You need to get with that.

Okay, so...

we are getting close
to the end of the season.

So... wanted to check in with you.
How you feeling?

I'm good. You know, just trucking away.

Y-you happy?

Me? Filled with fuckin' mirth.

In fact,

I want to tell you something important.

You know, the network execs
are very pleased.

Okay, you're doing a great job
steering the ship.

All right, your ratings have held solid
all year long.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
I get to tell you this.

They want to lock you in

for a seven-season contract.

Seven seasons?

Yeah! Yes, sir!

- Uh, yeah.
- Congratulations!

Come on!

- Whoo! Huh?
- Wow, that's crazy.

You're speechless, I get it. I get it.

I reacted the exact same way
when they gave me

my first deal for Jeff à la Carte.

Hey.

Incredible news.

This is a beautiful day.

I'm gonna go strawberry picking
with the wife and kids.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks, thanks.

- Fucking gangster.
- Thanks.

Hey, Dev.

Apparently, the network definitely
wants to get a shot

with the PTSD, so you mind
if we get another take?

Are you sure?

Actually, you're right.

Um, they definitely don't want

another shot with it in there.

We probably should really work
on our communication, man.

- We?
- Yeah, we.

Motherfucker, we talking now.
It takes two to tango.

Motherfucker said "we."

You ain't French, motherfucker.

♪ ♪

All right, so... I wanted to talk to you

about this Clash of the Cupcakes thing.

Mm-hmm.

I am so flattered. Um...

I can't believe you guys
would want to work with me

for seven seasons, and it seems like
a tremendous opportunity,

but I... I don't think
it's the right fit for me.

What are you talking about?

You don't want to do it?

It's just that I'm not

super passionate about the show.

And if I'm doing it for seven seasons,

that's a long time.

And I... I don't think

it'd be fair to you or to me

if I... if I did something like that

without my heart
being fully invested in it,

you know what I mean? I mean...

I hope I'm not pissing you off

or pissing the network off...

Are you kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Damn it, you got character!

Man of principle here! I love it.

- Ha.
- Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious. I love it!

I thought you were gonna hate me.

What, are you high? Come on, man.

You know, most people would have
just taken the money.

Not you. You come in here, you...

fuckin' slap your balls

on my beautiful mahogany table like,

"Yeah, no, I'm not interested."

Tell you what I'm mad about,
I'm mad about you putting

your balls on my table.
I got fucking work to do.

You get your balls off my table, please?

Will you get your balls off my table,
please?

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm getting them.

- Thank you.
- I'm getting them, apologize.

Hey, man,
fuck all this noise, okay?

Let's just go out,
get something to eat.

Take me to that Indian place
you keep talking about.

- Let's go.
- Whoo!

- This fucking fish is awesome.
- I know, right?

Mmm. You eat your way across India yet?

You know, I haven't been in a long time.

Really?

Well, it's interesting, right?

I mean, you spent all that time

studying the food in Italy,

but you haven't explored
your own roots yet.

You know what I thought about?

When I lived in Italy,

I lived in this small town.

I really got to know the locals.

I learned how to cook from a real grandma.

It was so fun.

I would love to do that in India...

or anywhere, you know?

That's what I should do as a show.

What if I did something like that?

As a travel show?

And it could be my version
of Jeff's Table.

Are you kidding me?
I would love that show.

I'd love it,
but it's a big investment, Dev.

And you're a new face.

I... I couldn't... I couldn't give you

your own travel show right now.

But look, man, I understand, okay?

I understand that

Clash of the Cupcakes isn't ideal, okay?

But you're on a really cool ladder, man.

I mean, why jump off on the first rung?

I want to keep you at the network.

Look, to be honest,
there's no diversity in the food world.

Okay, look at our hosts.

If... If our lineup were ingredients,

we'd be flour, salt, and sugar, all white.

Will you sleep on it for me?

Sure.

Thank you.

By the way, I'm the only white guy
in this restaurant.

That's why it's good.

Don't tell any other white people
about it.

I don't want it to get ruined.

What'd you do last night?

I ate dinner with a companion.

It was fun.

Who was the companion?

Um, a woman I know.

Was it romantic?

I would say yes.

Well, how'd it go?

Dad, you can talk to me about this.

Like, we can talk about this.

It went very well.

Well, that's great.

It's cool you're going on dates.

What's the deal with this lady?

Her name is Linda. She's Korean.

She works at a medical supply store.

She cooks very good food.

Her eyes are nice.

And her hair is also nice.

That's always a bonus.

Sounds promising.

Yes, however,

there's another woman as well.

Wait, you're seeing two people?

Yes.

The other one's named Ellen.

She's a CPA.

She has a dog named Coco.

I love Coco very much.

I find it very entertaining
to spend time with him.

She sounds great too.

Yes, I'm very pleased.

But at the same time,
it's quite a conundrum.

I like both of these women,

but I need to choose one.

What do you think?

I mean, it's kind of hard for me
to answer that for you.

I guess I would just ask myself,

who do I feel more strongly about?

Like, when I wake up in the morning,

who do I want to spend the day with?

Hmm.

That's a nice way to solve the problem.

I will break up with Linda.

At once.

So Linda,

there's something
I wanted to talk to you about.

Sure, what is it?

This smells really good. What is this?

It's yukgaejang.

It's beef stew with kimchi.

I've been cooking this all day.

You're gonna really like it.

Mmm.

Mmm, these flavors,

they're phenomenal.

I still have many more dishes

I'd like to cook for you.

This is interesting information.

What did you want to talk to me about?

Oh, there's a new coffee shop
in my neighborhood.

Oh.

You don't drink coffee, do you?

No, but it's fascinating.

The city is always changing.

It's true.

I really like this stew.

How is the cupcake show going?

Eh, it's all right.

I got some crazy news this week.

They want me to do the show
for seven seasons.

I'm not sure I can do the show
for that long.

It's a good job, man.

You don't work that much.

I don't even know why they pay.

I will host the show.

The winning cupcake is...

the tasty cupcake made by the white lady.

Whee!

Yeah, that was...
That's pretty much what I do.

You just started.

You want to quit now?

You're a doctor. That's a great job.

You're helping people.
Clash of the Cupcakes stinks.

My job stinks too.

Come and see what all I have to do
in my rounds.

I should probably go home.

Come on, man.

See your old man in action.

It will be like the TV show
Grey's Anatomy,

but this time, it's with me.

I'm the McDreamy.

Jesus, fine, I'll come.

I'll be McSteamy.

Hey, what's that?

SpongeBob.

A guy swallowed it.

I pulled it out of his stomach
this morning.

Why'd you keep it?

I have to add it to my collection.

Whoa! These are all things
you pulled out of people's stomachs?

- Yep.
- Gross.

There is a story behind each thing.

This one, a man accidentally swallowed it.

This one, a lady swallowed it.

And this...

Someone accidentally swallowed it?

You got it!

Do they ever want to keep it?

I tell them we threw them out.

Is that a wedding ring?

Ehh, I should not have kept that one.

Hey, Doc, we've got an emergency,
foreign body.

Thank you.

Holy cow!

Doesn't look good.

What's happening?

This guy put a toothbrush in his butt.

It got stuck. I have to take it out.

Ooh, this is already much worse
than Clash of the Cupcakes.

Why'd he put a toothbrush in his butt?

His wife is out of town.

He got horny.

Mm.

Doctor, this is Donald's wife, Carol.

Hi, Carol.

Oh, my God, is everything okay?

What happened?
Did he have a heart attack?

No, he put an electric toothbrush
in his butt.

What?

I didn't even know
he had an electric toothbrush.

Not really
the surprising part of the story.

- Who's this?
- This is my son.

You want to really see the toothbrush?

See that?

Damn!

It is really up in there.

Is he supposed to be here?

Not really.

Lot of things are ending up

where they don't belong today.

Ha-ha. Sorry, Carol.

He will do fine.

I will get it out one way or another.

I'll go wait in the waiting room.

Okay.

All right, it was fun seeing you
do your rounds.

Uh, I think I'm gonna head out.

You're not gonna put the toothbrush
in the collection, are you?

No.

Anything comes out of the butt,

they get to keep it.

Yeah, that's probably a good rule.

So how'd it go with Linda?

Was it a tough breakup?

I tried to break up with her,

but she made me this fantastic stew.

It tasted so good, I just couldn't do it.

I'm now thinking I'll break up with Ellen.

What do you think?

I don't know, man.
It's hard for me to weigh in.

Might help if I tasted the stew.

Any leftovers?

There were,

but I woke up late at night,

made a snack.

The snack was the stew.

Yeah. Got that.

I must break up with Ellen.

And then we found the spreadsheets

were in the hot tub the whole time.

I mean, it was the craziest audit
I've ever done.

That's an interesting story.

Mm-hmm.

- Ellen?
- Hmm?

There's something
I need to talk to you about.

- Oh, sure, what is it?
- Oh, look who's here!

- Hi, Coco.
- Oh, Coco!

Come here, baby.

- Give me a kiss, baby.
- Oh, he l...

- Oh!
- Give Peter a kiss.

Oh, 'cause I'm gonna give Peter a kiss.

- You're such a good dog.
- Oh, yes, I am.

Coco, that's enough kissing for you.

- Go on.
- Oh, Coco, Coco, stay.

- Mm! Mm!
- Stay, Coco.

Lawrence, checked the rundown.

Everything looks good. You all right?

Bad news. The magician guy Lance Burton?

- He dropped out.
- What happened?

Apparently, he retired a few years ago.

And I booked the wrong Lance Burton.

Like, I booked some dude
that owns a Kia dealership

in Baltimore.

Well, is there anything
I can do to help?

It was a little last-minute,

but I was able to get a replacement judge.

The Magnificent Kenny. He's a pro.

Now, if you will all excuse me
for a second,

I have to use my handkerchief.

Oh, what do we have here?

- Ah.
- Oh, my God!

Our old friend the three of diamonds.

Damn!

How he be doing that?

- Hey!
- Hey.

I'm Dev. I host the show.

I just wanted to say thanks so much
for being a judge.

Oh, no problem, man. Thank you.

- And, uh, thanks for the gift.
- Oh, yeah, cupcakes.

I know it's a little on the nose.

So, um, yeah, how's everything going?

How's the magician life?

Great. Great, man.

Work's been good, yeah.

I just booked a weekly job at a casino.

Ooh, on the Strip?

No, no.

Small town in Connecticut, but, um,

it's been years since I've been to Vegas.

- Years.
- Oh.

Anyway, you want to see, uh,

a trick I'm gonna perform on the show?

- Sure.
- All right, here we go.

- I need you to pick a card.
- Okay.

Okay, put that back in the deck.

All right.

And what I'm gonna show you right now

is, what I have is a tiny car.

- Mm.
- That is a very tiny car.

But the thing about this car

is that it's a magic car.

- Oh.
- This car is...

Fuck it!

Bullshit! Fuck that.

God damn it.

Is this part of the trick?

Look, man,

I can't go out there.

I... I'm too nervous, man.

I've never been on television before.

I don't want to do it.

Besides, I was your 15th choice anyway.

Hey, that's not true.

That's what your producer said.

He said he was desperate.

I'm sorry, he shouldn't be saying
that kind of stuff to people.

Would you just go and check

and see if I can quit?

No.

I... I just need to...

just sit down and consider

the grandest illusion of them all.

Me.

Wow. Did you just come up with that now?

No.

My wife yelled it at me

during an argument years ago.

And she's been using it
quite frequently lately.

It just, um...

So you didn't break up with Ellen either?

I had too much fun with Coco.

He's a very fun animal to play with.

So what are you gonna do about Linda?

I'll keep seeing both of them.

I spoke with them, and they were okay
with the arrangement.

My man Peter Chang,

kicking it with two "hi, cuties"!

Nice!

Thank you, Arnold.

You gotta tell me your secret, Uncle Pete.

My secret is that

people my age often feel very alone.

This makes them open up to situations
that are not ideal

in exchange for temporary companionship.

Oh.

I thought it would be a funner secret.

Kenny.

Now, what's going on here?

Look, I'm packing up my stuff

and I'm getting out of here.

- Huh.
- I... I'm sorry, man,

to bail on you so last-minute like this,

but it's best for both of us, believe me.

Mm. Best for both of us, huh?

Packing up your flowers
and your handkerchiefs

and you're heading out?

Well, not feeling

very magnificent these days.

Not lately, you know.

I don't believe that.

'Cause you know what I saw earlier?

I saw you backstage,
doing some tricks.

I saw people laughing and smiling
and having a grand old time.

You saw that?

- Yeah.
- That was good.

- It felt good, right?
- Yeah.

So why don't you forget
about those cameras

and think about that studio audience?

Those are people out there,

people that want to smile

and have fun and see magic.

- And I think you can bring it to them.
- Yeah.

You are The Magnificent Kenny,
aren't you?

I am The Magnificent Kenny.

You're The Magnificent Kenny!

I am The Magnificent Kenny!

You're gonna go out there? You're in?

- I'm in, man.
- There you go.

Hey, that's awesome. It's awesome.

Dev, you know what?

Looks like I'm not the only one
that can do magic here.

Did you just come up with that now?

No, no, I, uh,

used to say it to my wife years ago,

and then we hit a little rough patch
that we're in now.

Now, you signed your card

and placed it in this deck, am I right?

- That's true.
- That's true.

Check your jacket pocket.

No. Come on.

What? Oh, my God, it's here.

All right, Magnificent Kenny,
well, the competition is over,

and it's time for these cupcakes to clash.

Now, I understand you've prepared

an extra-special taste test for us today.

You know, I had a chance
to taste the cupcakes in the back.

And I'd like to reveal my winner

with one last trick.

Mmm, does that sound good to you guys?

- Come on, guys!
- Yeah!

This is a cupcake-themed variation
of three-card monte.

I'll take the two final cupcakes

and place cups on top of them.

Under the third cup,
I'll place a sharp spike.

Dev, make sure that's sharp.

- Ouch.
- Ooh, it's sharp, guys.

Whoo.

All righty.

Put that on top of there.

Now, with magnificent speed,

I will shuffle these cups.

♪ ♪

All right!

Now I will smash the cup

of the cupcake I did not choose.

You ready?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Let me hear you say, "Smash that cup,
Magnificent Kenny."

Smash that cup,
Magnificent Kenny.

Come on, "Smash that cup,
Magnificent Kenny."

Smash that cup,
Magnificent Kenny.

One.

♪ ♪

Two.

♪ ♪

Three.

Oh, God, God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I told you I couldn't do this!

Why'd you give me
such an amazing pep talk?

Lawrence! Lawrence!

Call 911!

Who won?

There's been an interesting development.

Both women have broken up with me.

Oh, Dad, I'm sorry.

What happened?

Even though they said

they were happy with the arrangement...

they actually were not.

Well, yeah. That makes sense.

What are you gonna do now?

It's okay.

I adopted a new friend.

Come here, boy. Come here.

- Come here.
- Whoa!

You got a dog, Dad?

- Yep.
- What's its name?

Coco.

Wait, wasn't that Ellen's dog's name?

Yes.

You can't name it the same thing.

Why not?

I guess you're right.

Hi, Coco. Hi, Coco.

Coco's a big dog.

Jesus. Hi, Coco.

That's Brian.

So...

I've thought about everything.

And hosting Clash of the Cupcakes

is definitely a great gig.

But to be honest, I can't see

myself being happy doing that
for seven seasons.

Seven seasons is a long time.

I mean, that's how long
The Sopranos was on.

And no offense, I don't know
if Clash of the Cupcakes

is as good as The Sopranos.

So I don't want to host that show.

But... I have an idea.

When I pitched you my travel show,

you told me you couldn't do it
'cause I'm too much of a new face.

And I get that. You're right.

But...

what if we did it together?

You're a great face.
People know you. They love you.

They miss seeing you
doing these travel shows.

Think about it. We travel together.

We eat together.

We learn about the culture together.

And we call it...

BFFs:

Best Food Friends.

Best...

Food Friends?

Best Food Friends.

Best Food Friends.

Best... Food... Friends.

Best

Food Friends?

Best Food Friends.

I love it!

- Really?
- I love it!

I love it. It is great!

I mean, I've been dying
to figure out a reason

to get back on the road, right?

And it's fresh. It's new.

I love it.

Oh, my God. Look at you, huh?

This guy, he comes into my office.

He slams his balls on my table.

Walks out, comes back a few days later,

drops his pants,
pisses genius all over my office.

These metaphors are getting
really disgusting.

You, me, Best Food Friends.

Let's do it! Whoo!

- Ha-ha!
- Yes.

Ciao, Francesca, how are you?

I'm good. I'm really good. How are you?

I just got some crazy news.

I'm gonna do this new TV show
with Chef Jeff

where it's just me and him
traveling around, eating good food.

I'm done with Clash of the Cupcakes.

That sounds great. I'm so happy for you.

How's everything with you?

Well, I have some crazy news too.

Um, I got engaged.

Wow.

I'm engaged! I know!

It's cool. I mean, I'm so happy.

- Yeah.
- Really happy.

I'm happy for you too.

Thank you.

I mean, I don't know
when this is gonna happen.

I don't know where, but I think soon.

I hope so.

Yeah. That's really cool.

♪ ♪