Master of None (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Thief - full transcript

Now living in Modena, Dev serendipitously meets a girl who he makes a real connection with only to have his future date plans go array when a thief steals his mobile phone.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
♪ ♪

Oh, fuck!

What the hell is going on?

Oh! Good morning!

I'm sorry. How do you say...

"My alarm clock fucked up?"

You idiot!

I hate my life.


♪ ♪

- Good morning, Giorgio.
- Good morning, Dev.

♪ ♪

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- I'll have an espresso.
- Espresso, yes.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Everything good?

Good. Good. Good.

Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

Why ugly? It seems the same.
It's not ugly! Look!

Ugly. This is a disaster.

We'll redo them later, okay?


Here's the Swiss chard.

Thank you, Francesca.

Hi, Dev.

Hi, how are you?

Good. You?

Good. Can I taste that lasagna?

No, ate all of it.

Was it good?

Yes, very good.

Hey, what does this mean?

That means
when something tastes good.

What? How have I lived here
for three months, and I didn't learn that?

I don't know.
Well, there's a bunch of them.

For example, um, this one means,
"I need to leave."

- Okay.
- Or this one...


And then there is this one.

It means, "Good to meet you."

Really? So it's like, "Good to meet you"?

No. No.

Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!

Matteo Godardes is outside!

I want a picture! I want a picture!

Dev, go take a photo of him
with his favorite soccer player.

What's happening?

I don't know
what some of those words mean.

Just go with him.

One, two, three, cheese!

Let me see! Let me see! Let me see!

Just a second.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

How cute. Is this your son?

Oh, no, no, he's a baby
I play with sometimes.


That doesn't sound good. Sorry.

Uh, I don't speak Italian very well.

It's okay. I don't care.

It's... I was just asking to be polite.

Oh, well, bye.

Bye. Good luck.




You're welcome.

- Ooh, I have an idea.
- What?

Give me a... a "grazie mille."

- Grazie mille.
- Prego mille.

Thanks a thousand.
You're welcome a thousand.

- Oh...
- Man, I wouldn't say that.

Make you sound like you're stupid. Please.

Yeah, nobody's gonna like this.

Come on. Pino, what do you think?

I like that. Sounds tough.

- See?
- Mm?

You know what Italian word I love?


I don't even know what it means. Allora.

People say it all the time. Allora.

"Hey, what are you doing?" "Allora."

- What does it mean?
- "Well."

- Really?
- Yeah. Just "well."

Cool word.

Do you guys want to have lunch later?

Um, I'm going to

Hosteria Giusti for my birthday...

Is it your birthday today?

- Si.
- Seriously?

Why you didn't tell us?

I don't know. It always feels weird
to be like, "Hey, guys. It's my birthday."

- Come on.
- Hey, guys. Hey.

I have an idea. Listen to this.

Let's do a tour
of my family's style factory.

It's perfect for your birthday. Hmm?

Yes, we just got a new black stone
from Morocco.

I mean, we call this stone Black Galaxy.

You've never seen a black like this.

Close your eyes. Close.

Yeah. What do you see?

Uh, black?

Black, huh? Blacker than that.

- Wow.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful.

Just a quick three-hour drive.

Very quick. Let's go.

I don't know if a six-hour round trip
sounds like a...

Kind of experience.

I think I'll just go to Giusti.

Yeah. I mean, don't go, Dev. I love him.

I've been dating him for, what, ten years?

And I think that place is really boring.

Oh, come on. Don't say that.

It's not true. I mean, listen.

Don't eat the lunch by yourself. It's sad.

And it's a little bit... how do you say it?

Loser. Loser. Yeah.

Well, I made the reservation
a long time ago, Pino,

before I knew if I'd have any friends.

It's fine. I need a little "me" time.

What's "me" time?

It's, like, time to yourself.

That's sad.

Okay. We celebrate tonight.

I'm gonna have some "me" time
in the bathroom.

Hey. Don't use it like that.

♪ ♪

It should be under "Sara."

No, your reservation
is for next month, not today.

Inglese, maybe?
I... I just don't understand.

Um, I speak a little Italian.

I can try to help you out.

Oh. Yes, please.


Hello. Tell me.
Is there a problem?

This woman made a reservation for one,
but for next month.

We don't have a free table today.
We're full.

I understand.

You made your reservation
for the next month, not for today.


Look, I took a three-hour train
to get here.

If there's anything they can do,
I'll sit anywhere.

I'll sit in the dishwasher.

Um, yeah, I-I'll see what I can do.

Um... Allora, uh...

Is there any way
to give her a table?

She took a three-hour train to eat here.

I'm sorry, not possible. We are full.

We don't have room.

Uh, well,
you can tell that was negative.

Um, hold on. One more idea.


I have a reservation for one... Dev.


Can we sit together?

It's not a problem for me
if it's not a problem for you.

But do you even know this woman?

No, we just met.

You're a strange person.

Why? It's fine.

I'll ask.

I have a reservation for one
that I made for my birthday.

If you want to join me, you're welcome to.

Oh. Um...

I-I don't know.

Maybe she doesn't like you.

Wait a second.

Come on! It'll be fine.

Let's just eat.

What are you gonna do,
just wander around here?

Like, this'll be the same
as if you were just eating here anyway,

only now both minorities
will be sitting at the same table.

Okay. Yes. Thank you.


We eat together.

- Yeah?
- Si.

I guess we just follow her.

You're not gonna murder me
or anything, are you?


I'm a very basic, basic British girl.
I promise.

What does that mean? Like, you're really
into tea and those tiny sandwiches?

Oh-ho! So we're gonna go
for stereotypes immediately, are we?

You know there's
no strawberries and cream here, right?

There are no strawberries and cream?
I'm obviously leaving, then.

No, I think this'll be fun.
We both seem nice and normal, right?

Uh, well, you know, I seem normal.

I know that much.

- But...
- Grazie.

If this gets weird, by the way,

by which I mean, if you get weird,

then I'm gonna put my headphones in,

listen to a podcast,
and just eat the food.

I won't even look at you.
It will be like we're eating alone.

Well, if you get weird...

I'll do the same thing.
That's a really good plan.


- Oh!
- Oh, man alive.

That is so good.

Dev, thank you again
for sorting this out for me.

Thank you for eating.

I was about to have
this sad birthday lunch by myself.

I don't know what I was thinking.

It was great.
It was really nice to meet you.

And you.

And how is your pasta making going?

Are you any good?

I can confidently say

I am one of the top 50 pasta makers
in Modena

of Indian descent.

No, there's three of us,
and we're all bad.

Well, congratulations, anyway.

And when you're done, do you think

that you'll go back to New York,
or what do you think you'll do?

I don't know.

I love it there, but I like how quiet
and peaceful it is here.

- You know?
- Yeah.

It is a hard city to be single in, though.

Everyone either has a boyfriend
or a husband, or they are a grandma.

So I don't know.

And you moved here, like,
just after you broke up, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- So this is your...

Diane Lane, Under the Tuscan Sun moment.

What's that?

Diane Lane's husband cheats on her.

She moves to Tuscany,
falls in love with a handyman.

It is the greatest film.


So, in Unfaithful,
she cheats on her husband,

and in this one, she gets cheated on?

What goes around comes around, Diane Lane.

Um, what about you? What's your story?

- You live in New York.
- Mm-hmm.

What do you do work-wise?

Uh... I used to work in finance.

Oh, cool. What'd you do?

Ugh, God,
please don't pretend to be curious.

Yeah, I know.
That "oh, cool" wasn't genuine.

I regretted it as soon as I said it.

Uh, finance sucks.

What other stuff?

Relationships. Tell me.

Uh, well, you know, single right now.

My last relationship lasted two years.

Uh, one day I came home,

and there was a naked woman
sat on my couch,

watching a documentary about bees.


Assuming this person
was involved with your boyfriend

and not a nude burglar

that was concerned
about the whole bee die-off.

Yes. Yes, he was inserting his penis

into her vagina on a regular basis.

Thank you for reminding me.

That bee documentary, though,
worth a watch.

- Narrated by Ellen Page?
- Yeah.

I'm familiar.

Good, right?

Can I tell you something?

I don't know if I would've been so keen
on inviting you

if you didn't have
such a lovely British accent.


They're so charming.

Do you think you can do one?

Yeah. All right, you never met me.


I'm Dev from Devonshire.

I drive a Jaguar,

and I live in Buckingham Palace.

Buckingham Palace?

How did you manage that one?

Found it on Craigslist.

Your accent is terrible.


It's "bollocks."

- Bollocks.
- No, "bol-locks."


Okay. Maybe let's not shout "testicles"
in a restaurant.

Fair enough. Cheers.

- Uh-huh.
- And this old couple

were coming down the pavement,
and I didn't know what to do.

- Yeah?
- So rather than stopping,

I turned into the road

and, like, went through
all this oncoming traffic...

- Whoa.
- And nearly died.

Ooh. Cobbles.

- That feels...
- Cobbles!

How do you eat all of this food
and stay so skinny?

Secret is, I don't.

I'm getting chubby.

Oh, what's that?

I don't know shit about history.
Looks cool, though.

- You want to snap a pic?
- Yeah, sure.

Uno, due, tre, formaggio!

That means "cheese." What do you think?

It's rubbish.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's good.

I can make up some history about it.

Okay. Go on, then.

This is the first ever
McDonald's PlayPlace.

♪ ♪

Thank you so much for showing me around.

I had a really good time.

- Yeah. I did too. That was so much fun.
- Good.

What are you up to this weekend?

Um... nothing.

Okay. Good.

Well, some friends and I got
this Airbnb house in Puglia...

- And you want me to come clean it.
- Yes. Yes, I do.

But maybe also hang out with us.
Make us some pasta.

- Yes. That'd be amazing.
- Oh, great.

Um, well, I got your number.
I'll text you.


No. No. Not perfecto.

Perfetto. No C.

Perfecto is Spanish.

All right, dick.
Do you want to come or...

Yes, I'd love to. That'd be so much fun.

Thank you.

Um... I know it's only, like,
5:00 in the afternoon,

but I've been drinking
a lot of wine today.

I kind of want to make out with you.


Wait, but what if we wait till Puglia?

That'll be more romantic, right?

Like, our first kiss is in Puglia?

Sure. Okay. Okay.

- Wait, is that stupid?
- No, I think it's sweet.

- I'm up for it.
- Okay.

Wait, let's just make out now.

I have to go get my train.

- All right.
- Okay. Oh...

- Yeah. Okay.
- All right.

- Bye.
- Bye.

That was dumb.
Should have just made out now.


Are you taking my phone?

Thief! Thief! Thief! Thief!

Mario, Mario, my phone!

My photo! My photo!

Fuck! Her phone number!

Go, Dev! Run faster! Faster!

♪ ♪

My photo. My photo with Matteo Godardes.

You idiot! Why didn't you send it to me?


No, sorry. Sorry nothing.

Let's go to the police.

They don't have
security cameras.

Did he try the "Find your iPhone" app?

Uh, so there is no security cameras,

but he asked if you tried
the "find your iPhone" program.

No, I turned it off
'cause of international data.



He turned it off because
it'd be expensive for international data.

That's too bad. It would have been
very useful to have it on in this case.

Well, he said that's too bad,

because in this case,
it would've been very useful

to have it on.

Come si dice "no shit"?

- Do you want me to translate that?
- No.

Um... oh.

Can we hire someone that...
how do you say... draw a face...

- Ah! Si! Okay. Okay.
- Police sketch artist.

Maybe there's someone who could draw

the face of the person
who stole the phone?

Yeah, we have someone,
but we use him in more grave situations,

not for a stolen phone.

What else is the guy
doing right now?

How should I know?

But normally he sketches funny things
that happen at the station.

He just sent me this one.

What did he say?

That he likes to draw comic strips

of funny things that happen
in the station.

I get a kick out of this.

"I said you could have one, not one box!"

That's funny, because in Italy,

we have policeman
that likes pastries a lot,

so it's actually...

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

We have the same stereotype
in America too.

I'm so sorry. I'm so s...

It's fine. Uh, you head back to the shop.

I'll just keep looking with Mario.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine.

Sometimes people
sell stolen phones

at the electronic store
on Corso Canalchiaro.

Try looking there.

Dev, let's go!

Si, si, si. Grazie. Ciao.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Good evening.

I had a telephone that was...

how do you say... "stolen."

Mamma mia. Your Italian is disgusting!

Be quiet. I'll do the talking.

My friend's phone is stolen.
Did anyone sell a phone to you today?


We'll never find it! You idiot!
How did you let your telephone get stolen?

Listen, do you want to buy
something or not?

Not now, let's go. Thanks, bye.




Modena is a small city.

We can find this kid.

Let's go to the Piazza San Francesco?

Look, I'm a good detective, no?

No, not possible.

You're too fat and too slow.

Really? Do you think
my belly has gotten bigger?

Of course. You eat everything!
Pizza, pasta, gelato, cheese...

So do you!

Yeah, that's why I'm chubby too.

Do you see him?

No. Great job, detective.

♪ ♪

The fuck that guy kiss his phone for?


So you want to go eat something?

Yeah. That's a better idea.

Look, that's the thief!
I'm a good detective.

Call your phone and see if it rings.
Then he can't deny it.

Good idea. Give me your phone.

I'm a kid. I don't have a telephone!

Why can't you be like American kids?

They're all spoiled, and they have phones.

Go! Go! Go!

Ask him if you can use his phone.

Why me and not you?


Because he's huge.
And he doesn't seem very nice...

You're cute.
Use those chubby little cheeks!


Excuse me, good sir.

This idiot is helping me find my mom.

But he hasn't helped me.

Can I borrow your phone?

What do you want? Who are you?
My battery is low. Get out of here!

Ah! Mamma mia!

What's the problem? Just charge it later!

Just one call?

Fine, but just one call.

- Here, Dev.
- Grazie.

Dev! Dev!

The thief is taking off!

Let's go! Let's go!

Thief! Thief!

Thief! Thief!

Good evening, thief!

Where's my phone?

What are you talking about?

You took my phone from the wine bar,

I remember your shirt, your pants,
and how do you say... "haircut"?

No, I didn't take your phone.
How dare you accuse me of this?

I'm sorry.
I don't speak Italian that well.

Can you say it slowly?

It's not me.
I didn't take your phone, okay?

What's going on down there?

That's my son! Leave him alone!


He's a thief. He stole this man's phone.


Thief! Thief!

My phone!

Oh, sorry. I used this to try to find
the thief who stole my phone.

How do you say... "funny coincidence"?

Give me my fucking phone back!

I'm sorry!

Ho! What's going on here?

This guy is a thief. He took my phone.

What are you talking about?

He's my son. He's not a thief.

- Calm down, ma'am.
- Come here. Search the house.

We have nothing to hide.

Let's go. Let's go.
We're going right now.

Clear the area. Go away. Let's go.

What's going on?
Are we gonna look for the phone?

I didn't find anything.

What did I tell you? My son isn't a thief.

We saw him.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

We can't find the phone.

He's not going to admit it.

Every one of his neighbors
will just say he was somewhere else.

Do you really want to push the issue
against this guy, huh?

It would be easier
just to get a new phone.

I understand. Yes.

Dev! My photo! My photo!
I want my photo! Dev!

I'm sorry, Mario.

Just a second.

What do you think?
The telephone is in the sauce?

No, but it smells spectacular!

Want a taste?

Yes, ma'am, I'd love to.

Can we also have a little taste?

Not for you! Get out of here! Go!

Go outside!

It tastes perfectly cooked.
Mind if I take a seat?

What do you think?
Who has cuter cheeks?

- Me.
- How come?

Because mine are chubbier.

Mm. Agreed.

I'm sorry. I don't know. We tried.

Do you want to come to the wine bar
for my birthday?

I'm a kid. I don't drink wine!

Well, damn.
You could still come and hang out.

Well, I'm going home.
Happy birthday. Bye.


- Hey.
- Hi.

Happy birthday.

- Thanks.
- I have some gifts for you.

This is from Nonna. Lasagna.

My favorite lasagna?
Special birthday batch?

Well, it's actually just leftovers.

- Hey.
- I'm kidding.

- Of course it's a special thing.
- Cool.

That's from Pino.

A piece of tile?

It's Black Galaxy tile.

It's so black.

From me. That's Maurizio Cattelan.

He's my favorite Italian artist ever.

I did a thesis on him at school.

- Cool.
- Just cool? Seriously?

Look at this. Hard cover.
It's a special book.

Special edition. Come on.

I'm sorry. Grazie mille.

I'm not gonna say "prego mille."

What's up? What's wrong with you?

Why are you so sad?

You still thinking about that girl?

I just haven't met anyone
I had a connection with like that

in a long time,

and it's gonna go away
for a stupid reason.

Yes, I know, but, I mean,
you just met her once.

You don't know her at all.

Maybe she was one of those person
that just love to put people in a basement

and leave them forever.

Maybe the Puglia thing was just a trap.


Give me a smile.

Better smile.

- Bravo.
- ♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- Let's do it in Italian.
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Sure.

Sure. Why not?

♪ Tanti auguri a te ♪

♪ Tanti auguri a te ♪

♪ Tanti auguri a Dev ♪

♪ Tanti auguri a te ♪

Can I just say,
it's pretty fucked up

you guys just straight-up jacked
the melody we use.

- Thank you.
- Auguri!

♪ ♪


♪ ♪




Fuck! Ah!

Did you see him fall?

Look, he fell off his bike.

I wonder if he's hurt.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪