Master of None (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Indians on TV - full transcript

I am proud of you.

You have removed your laser weapon, huh?

Weapon is to kill, disassemble, make dead.

Unacceptable.

You have made many modifications
upon your person, huh?

You have come a long way
from the Defense Department prototype.

You betcha.

It's the all-new Johnny Five.

Just look at these items.

You look, but you do not see.

Chilled monkey brains.



-Where are you from?
-I am from India.

-Got you covered, Injun. Ha!
-Oh!

Ooh, somebody's having a party.

Singh, you got any plastic wrap, man?

Yeah, in the back, next to the onions.

Wheeze the juice.

No, no, no wheezing the juice.

- Like I said, it was...
- 7-Eleven.

Just be glad I did not buy
a turkey Slurpee.

Yoga fire! Yoga fire!

d Some call me the gangster of love d

I'm Raj. I'm a Bollywood producer.

I'm looking for the most delicious thing
on the planet.

Synced and corrected by sysrapmarvel



Do you recognize the girl
in this photo?

I believe I remember her, yes.

She was wearing a red sweater.

I drove her to Penn Station.

Is something wrong?

Is she okay?

She's dead.

Her body was found in the magazine section

of Barnes & Noble,

propped up to look like she was reading.

My God.

Great job!

Thanks so much for having me.

-Sure, we'll be in touch.
-Yeah.

-Ravi!
-Dev!

-What's up, dude?
-What's up, man?

-How's it going?
-Chilling, man.

Yo, watch out for the debris in there

'cause I just destroyed that scene.

Really?
The two lines for "unnamed cab driver"?

Yeah, I crushed it, man.
How you been, dude? You look good.

-Hey, do you work out?
-Not really.

So my buddy Anush and I,

we're really close on this pea protein.

It's all natural, non-GMO, fully organic,

Desi-owned, chickpea-based protein.

It's called...

Mumbai Muscle.

A pea protein marketed just towards
the Indian weight-lifting community?

Seems a little niche.

If you call a billion Indians niche.

Dude, I'm gonna go grab a coffee
at Marlow.

You want to meet up?

-Yeah, I'll come after this.
-Okay.

Dev Shah?

That's me.

Okay, we have Dev Shah reading

for the role of "unnamed cab driver."

You ready to go?

Yeah, I even took a cab over here
to research the role.

I love that.

Okay, let's begin.

Jess?

Do you recognize the girl in this photo?

I believe I remember her, yes.

I drove her to Penn Station.

She had a red sweater.

What's wrong? Is she okay?

- She's dead.

Her body was found in the magazine section
of Barnes & Noble,

propped up to look like she was reading.

My God.

Okay. Thank you, Jess.

I want to try it again, but this time,

we need you to do an accent.

You mean like an Indian accent?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, you know, I'd rather not.

I just feel kind of weird
doing that voice.

Is that okay?

You know, Ben Kingsley
did an accent in Gandhi,

and he won the Oscar for it, so...

But he didn't win the Oscar
just for doing the accent.

I mean, it wasn't an Oscar
for Best Indian Accent.

Also, might be strange
to play Gandhi

and talk like I'm talking now.

I would argue that the same
could be said of this cab driver.

I would argue that
that's kind of a weird argument to make.

Okay.

We'll be in touch.

Okay,

but sounds like you won't be

'cause of the whole accent thing.

Yeah, no.

Sorry.

All right.

Bye.

So how'd it go?

Um, I didn't get it.

They wanted me to do an accent, so...

What, you don't know how to do it?
It's super easy, man.

I just do an impression
of my Uncle Madu.

No, I know how to do it.
I just feel weird doing that voice.

Do you always just do the accent?

No, I don't always do it,
but it's a cab driver.

I mean, I don't think it's a big deal.

Yeah, but isn't it frustrating,

so much of the stuff we go out for
is just stereotypes?

Cab driver, scientist, IT guy.

Yeah, but it's not all like that.
I mean, look at this.

I just got this one today.

"Pradeep, East Indian man
with a spiritual air,

full of philosophical platitudes.

He runs a convenience store,

has a funny Indian accent."

This is not a good example.

Look, I get it.

There probably is a Pradeep
who runs a convenience store,

and I have nothing against him,
but why can't there be a Pradeep

just once who's, like, an architect,

or he designs mittens
or does one of the jobs

Bradley Cooper's characters do in movies?

Dude, I think about that too.

I just can't wait for that. I got to work.

And, look, in the meantime,
I can do good things

with this Pradeep money.

I mean, I can go donate money to charity.

I can buy cool clothes.

Well, at least they're actually

getting Indian actors
to do those roles now

and not going the Short Circuit 2 route.

What's wrong with Short Circuit 2?

They got a white guy
to play an Indian guy.

What, the rob... The robot movie?

With Johnny Five?

Wait, you don't know this?

Wait, which Indian guy
are you talking about?

Dude.

-That guy's a white guy.
-The robot or the Indian?

The Indian guy is a white guy.
That's Fisher Stevens.

-They used brownface makeup.
-Wait, what?

Yeah.
They got a real robot and a fake Indian.

I'm sorry, man. I'm just...

Wow, I'm experiencing
a lot of emotions right now.

Man, that's, like,
one of my favorite Indian actors.

Dude, it still happens.
You see The Social Network?

Max Minghella plays an Indian guy.

He's white. They browned him up.

No, no. I read that he's 1/16 Indian.

Who cares?

If you go back far enough,
we're all 1/16 something.

I'm probably 1/16 black.

You think they're gonna let me play Blade?

Did you go out for The Social Network?

Dude, I got the worst agents, man.

I mean, look. Those are extremes, right?

There's stuff out there that's good,

that's not stereotypes, you know.

Are you going out for Three Buddies?

Three Buddies? What is that?

It's this new sitcom. It's open ethnicity.

It's just three guys living in New York.

-No accent, nothing.
-Can you forward that to me?

-Sure.
-I've got to fire my agents.

Oh, I just got a text from Anush.

"I think Mumbai Muscle
might be causing me to lactate."

This is... Dude, this is, like, a code red.

-I got to call him.
-Sure. Go. Go for it.

Nush.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. Slow down.

Are you sure it's milk?

Well, dude,
don't worry about the investment.

You got to get to the hospital.

He's lactating.

Hey, man,
is this business casual?

Am I supposed to wear a coat?

Do I look too casual?

Hey, well, that's what you get
when you take a trip to the Bahamas.

That was really great, Dev.

-We'll be in touch.
-Thanks so much.

-Dev.
-What up?

Dude, thank you so much, man.

-Good looking out.
-Of course.

Hey, watch out for the debris in there.

Yeah.

Wait, what?

I'm referencing what you said
the other day.

About destroying the audition.

Oh.

Well, that interaction
didn't go as planned.

Good luck, man.

All right, man.

Yo, so do y'all think we're gonna be
the first generation

to experience the singularity?

What's that?

Carla was telling me about it last night.

It's the idea of your mind
fusing with the Internet

and computers
so man and machine become one.

Oh, fuck!

My agent just emailed me and said
I didn't get Three Buddies.

Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened?

Okay, so just fuck my interesting topic,
then, I guess.

Whoa.

I think I accidentally got forwarded
an email chain.

I'm not supposed to see this.

The show creator says,
"Dev and Ravi are perfect."

Then this executive Joan writes,
"Totally agree.

Think we just found
our first two buddies!"

Then this guy Jerry Danvers says,
"Both really great,

but there can't be two."

Can't be two?

What, can't be two Indian guys?

Isn't that kind of messed up?

Yes, because of racism.

This other person says,
"Who do you like better, Ravi or Dev?"

He writes, "I don't know.
Let's meet them both

and see who can curry our favor, hahaha."

"Curry our favor"?
Are you fucking serious?

Damn. Man, if that email got leaked,
that person would get fired.

Mm, I don't know. Come on, Denise.

People don't get that fired up
about racist Asian or Indian stuff.

I feel like you only really risk
starting a brouhaha

if you say something bad
about black people or gay people.

I mean, if Paula Deen had said,

"I don't want to serve Indian people,"

no one would really care.

They'd just go back to eating
the biscuits.

Yeah, but Paula Deen
didn't get in trouble anyway.

I mean, she gave some fake-ass apology

and then went back to making fatty foods.

True, but she did have
to apologize, right?

Like, she had to go
meet with Al Sharpton.

I mean, that's kind of
the punishment, right?

You got to find Al Sharpton
and go have tea with him or whatever.

We don't have a person like that.

Like, who are you supposed to meet with?

Deepak Chopra?
The Indian dude from No Doubt?

Yeah, like, who's my guy?

Steve Aoki? George Takei?

He's busy with gay stuff.

Who's my girl?

Like, Oprah?

Or Beyonc??

Oh, shit, I got the heavy hitters.
Never mind.

You know, "curry our favor"
is pretty bad, though.

I feel like that would be pretty awesome

on a Huffington Post headline.

I mean, I'd be intrigued.

I'd click the shit out of that.

Leak it, dude.

Private racism becoming public racism

that gets fools fired is so bomb.

All right.

I'll talk to my agent, see what we can do.

That's your big idea?

You're just gonna leak the email?

What are you, a dummy?

You've got Danvers by the balls.

They've been calling my office all day

trying to set up a meeting
so that he can sit down

and apologize.

Shannon, I don't want to go there

and be the Indian Al Sharpton
and get some phony apology.

I don't give a shit about the apology.

I mean, I don't care about your feelings.

If this meeting goes well,
you get the job, and it's a hit?

I mean,
I could show you David Schwimmer's house

if you need to see what's at stake here.

I bet it's huge.

He's made so much off Friends.

Well, can't we get him
to cast me and Ravi?

Ravi? Who the fuck is that?

Is that the other Indian dude?

I don't rep him.
Therefore, I don't give a fuck about him.

You need to get your shit straight first.

Don't get pissed about one racist email

and let it ruin your career long-term!

You know how much racist stuff
I've read about black people?

Sexist stuff about women?

If I forwarded all of those emails
and got people fired,

I'd be working here by my damn self.

Don't fuck this up!

I'm trying to get this money, Dev.

I'm trying to get this money,

I'm trying to get this Friends money,
and you fucking it up.

I'm not trying to fuck up
your Friends money.

You better not fuck up my Friends money.

Right over here.

Quite a view.

Yeah, it's a nice office, right?

Much better than the spot I had
when I interned at Nickelodeon.

I was just
watching your audition again this morning.

"Damn!
That's where they put the baseball?"

You, sir, are a funny man.

Thanks. Appreciate it.

All right, let's not beat around the bush.

I am truly sorry for the email.

It was a really stupid joke
I never should have made.

Look, I'm happy to meet with you,

but let's not kid ourselves.

These apologies are always phony.

You wrote that email.
You made your shitty joke.

The only thing that's changed is,
I caught you,

so we don't really need to do this.

This is tough.
I mean, I don't know what to say.

I wish you could just...

get to know me a little bit better.

I'm not who you think I am.

You like the Knicks?

Whoa!

You ever sat courtside before?

No, I do Go-Gurt commercials.

I don't run a TV network.

When I was a kid,
I used to love to go to Knicks games.

Never thought I'd be sitting courtside.

This is insane.

I can't even believe
they let people sit this close.

I mean, what's to stop Jerry Ferrara
from just tackling a player?

-Hey, you hungry?
-Yeah.

I got you. Hey, order of nachos here.

What the fuck? Did you see that?

That kid just ate one of my nachos.

Are you serious?

Yeah! He just ate one.

Ugh, this kid is the worst.

I would have given anything to do
something this cool when I was little.

He's just sitting here on his phone.
Now he's stealing nachos.

They got one of these kids at every game.

-Courtside brats.
-You know what?

-I'm gonna say something.
-Yeah, go get him.

Hey.

You take one of my nachos?

Yeah.

Those are my nachos.

So? I wanted one.

Yeah, but you can't just steal
people's nachos, okay?

You realize how lucky you are?
You're 12 years old.

You're sitting courtside at a Knicks game.

You didn't earn this.

I had to suffer
through a minor racial trauma to get here.

All right, Sam.

Looks like your dad's not gonna make it
to the game after all,

but he says happy birthday,
and he'll see you at home.

Hey, buddy.

He said I can take you
to the toy store afterwards

and buy you anything under $2,000.

No, that's all right.
Let's just go home.

Hey, hey.
Do you want the rest of the nachos?

I'm sorry. Happy birthday.

Oh, wait.

Just one.

I mean, come on.

There's no way I could have known
that was his situation.

You know what?

Let's go check out the VIP suite.

-Yeah.
-Let's go.

Hey, what do you say, buddy?

-You thirsty?
-Yeah.

All right, let's get you situated.

Thank you, darling.

-Here you go.
-Nice.

-Oh, are you a seafood guy?
-Yes.

All right, well, you got to
get your hands on this shrimp.

-It's fantastic.
-Jerry Danvers.

-Hey.
-My man.

-There he is, Busta!
-How are you?

-How are you, sir?
-Great. Good to see you.

Hey, this is Dev Shah, hilarious actor.

He's gonna be a big star any day.

-Cool.
-How you doing, brother?

Pleasure to meet you.

Yeah, good to meet you too, Busta Rhymes.

Hey, so what are you up to?

Just finishing the album. Staying busy.

As a matter of fact,
I just recently recorded

a couple of tunes
that I need you to check out.

How about we do some dinner next week?

Yeah, for sure.

-Hey, great to see you.
-Take care.

Pleasure to meet you as well, brother.

-Yeah, you too.
-All right, cool.

All right.
How the fuck do you know Busta Rhymes?

Oh, Trevor?

Oh, I've known him for years.

He and I are invested in the same company.

They make high-end cell phone batteries.

Listen, I got to say hi
to a colleague of mine.

I'll see you in a bit.

-All right. Do your thing.
-Yeah.

Hey, excuse me, Bust.

You mind if I ask you something
real quick?

Yeah, what's up? Sure.

- So you know Jerry a little bit, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

I might go into business with him...

Oh, so you're getting ready to invest

in the battery company as well, huh?

I personally think you should,

because you see this phone right here?

I ain't have to charge this bitch
in the last six months.

Shit is incredible.

Yeah, wow, that's really impressive,

but it's actually not
about the battery thing.

It's an acting thing.

He wants me to maybe
be in one of his shows,

but, um, I saw this email he sent

where he said something kind of racist.

He may have been joking,
but I'm not really sure.

What'd he say?

He said that he wanted to see
if I could curry his favor.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
'Cause Indians eat curry?

-Mm.
-I mean, that's some disrespectful shit.

-Mm.
-Kind of fucked up, bro.

Yeah.

I mean, so he's bringing you to the game

so he can butter you up.

Looks like to me,
he's trying to curry your favor.

That's what's up.

So what do you think I should do?

This is what I think.

You know, you're a minority
trying to coming up in the game.

You know, you got a rare opportunity,

especially because you got the leverage
in this situation.

I don't think
you should play the race card.

Charge it to the race card.

Feel me?

-Yeah.
-Good.

Good luck.

I'm gonna fuck with some of this shrimp.

Nice.

Holla.

So did you have fun?

Oh, that was insane.

Thank you so much for bringing me.

Hey, can we be real for a second?

Your email had a bad joke in it, right?

I get it.

You take anyone's emails or whatever

and you put them under a microscope,

you'll find something offensive.

But, to me, the bigger issue is,

why can't there be two Indian people
in the show?

You know, why is it me or Ravi?

Why can't there be two?

Okay, look, I'll be frank with you.

If I do a show with two Indian guys
on the poster,

everyone's gonna think
it's an Indian show.

It wouldn't be as, you know,
relatable to a large mainstream audience.

Yeah, but you would never say that
about a show with two white people.

Every show has two white people.
People don't say that.

People don't watch True Detective and go,

"Ooh, there's that white detective show."

You know?

But just to be clear, that's not me, okay?

That's the public.

Jerry Danvers, you know,

would love to see two Indian people
on a show.

Who cares? Right?

But, you...
We're just not at that point.

Well, what if we tried, you know,

with me and Ravi,
and we just see what happens?

Or...

let's just put you in the show,

make a hundred episodes,
get a huge syndication deal,

and you make 50 to 75 million dollars

Oh, shit.

That's that Schwimmer money.

-Yo!
-What's up?

What up?

I assume this jacked Indian dude
you brought is Anush?

-'Sup?
-Yeah, man, hope you don't mind.

-Brought Nush with me.
-Of course.

The original Mumbai Muscles? I'm honored.

Hope everything's okay
after the whole lactating scare.

I'm good, man.

So, man,
we got to talk a little business,

if you don't mind giving us a little...

No, that's cool, bro.

I'll just do some burpees
over in the kitchen

till you guys are done.

Perfect.

So talk to me.

You sat down with Danvers?

-Mm-hmm.
-What did he say?

I brought up that whole
"there can't be two" thing,

and honestly,
seems like he just wants one of us.

They just don't want two Indian dudes
starring in a sitcom.

What... Why?

Look, man,
Indians just aren't at that level yet.

Yeah, there's more Indians popping up
every now and then,

but we're like set decoration.

We're not the ones doing the main stuff.

We're not fucking the girls
and all that stuff.

We're just not there yet.

There can be one, but there can't be two,
you know?

Black people just got
to "there can be two" status,

you know?

Even then, though, there can't be three,

'cause then it's, like, a black show

or a black movie.

Indians, Asians, gays:

there can be one, but there can't be two.

But, you know,
there's two gay dudes in Will & Grace.

No, just Sean Hayes. Jack.

No, there's two gay dudes in that show.

Who?

Will! The lead dude.

The show's about him. He's gay.

Really?

Guess I never saw the show.

Wow, that was in the '90s.

Props to Will & Grace team.

Two gay dudes on Modern Family.

All right, I get it!
There can be two gays, all right?

Progress exists. Shout-out to gays.

I'm sorry,
I got to stress eat or something.

-You got any new pastas in there?
-Yeah, yeah.

Bucatini. It's in the Tupperware.

Watch out for that guanciale.
It's delicious.

Ooh, what about this spaghetti?
Can I have this?

That ain't spaghetti. That's bucatini!

It's a thicker noodle, dummy.

Yo, Nush, you want some spaghetti?

Get those carbs away from me, man.

You know it's my kryptonite.

All right.

Let's talk next steps.

What are we thinking?

Next steps? I don't know.

I don't think
we can leak the email anymore.

I'm just gonna say this:

you're being a bit of an Uncle Taj.

An Uncle Taj?

Yeah, Uncle Tom, Uncle Taj.

Oh, come on.

Why would you be protecting this guy?

Because he took you to a basketball game?

Dude, I'm not protecting him. Look.

He still wants to cast one of us.

That'd be a huge deal.

If one of us was on that show,

playing an Indian character
that was well-rounded and had some depth,

that isn't just some ethnic prop
that they cut to to just go,

"Welcome
to the ," that's huge, okay?

...Hold on.

Oh, it's my agent.

Hello?

Hey, is there any update on Three Buddies?

Yes, that's why I'm calling.

Look, here's the latest.

Danvers loves you, but look,

he's going with somebody else.

What? Who?

Another Indian guy.

Some stand-up comedian named Haymonth.

I guess Danvers hadn't seen
all of the L.A. auditions,

and he changed his mind.

Are you fucking serious?
Another Indian dude?

I'm sorry, man.
We'll find you something.

Oh, I got an audition for you

for a part on Blacklist

for an Indian guy
who runs an Indian buffet

where James Spader eats at.

I don't want to do that shit!

Yeah, I wouldn't do that shit either.

All right, I'll call you later.

All right, holla!

What happened?

They're casting some dude named Haymonth!

Haymonth? Nush, you know a Haymonth?

Nah, I don't know him, bro.

Who the fuck is Haymonth?

I don't know.
Some stand-up comic from L.A.

-God!
-All right, fuck this dude.

We're leaking the email.

You know who we need to call?

Nush's friend Prashanth.

Yo, you remember Prashanth?

Prashanth!

Yo, Prashanth runs all the Indian stuff

for this advocacy group.

You remember that popchips commercial?

Oh, you mean when the Kutch
went brownface?

I remember that shit.

These guys blew that thing wide open.

Not only did the Kutch show up
to their office and apologize,

he gave them a shit ton of popchips.

Oh, popchips are great, man.

They're like little popadams.

Yeah. Let's do it.

Let's get a bunch of Indian people

tweeting all sorts of mean shit
at this dude.

So should I switch to kettlebells,

or are we making moves?

Hey.

You guys Dev and Ravi?

Hey, what's up? Dev.

-Great to meet you guys.
-I'm Ravi.

I'm Rick Romero.
I'm the director here at the center.

I'm so glad you guys got in touch with us.

We'd love to help you out.

But, um, listen, some bad news.

We actually
had to let Prashanth go recently.

Oh, that sucks.

There just wasn't enough Indian stuff
coming in,

and he was just kind of
sitting around a lot.

Good for Indians in general,
bad for that specific Indian.

Still on the to-do list, huh, Redskins?

Oh, yeah, man,
I don't know what else to do.

That's been on the docket since,
like, '94.

Yeah, seems like it should have been
one phone call, right?

"Hey, that's a racial slur.
You mind changing that?"

"No! Not at all."

Yeah, I got pretty cocky last year
when it got some traction.

I even made a mock-up.

Cool.

What is that?

This is my pitch for what
they should change the name to:

the Washington Breadsticks.

Is this real? Are you serious?

Yeah, I mean, it sounds like Redskins.

Listen closely. Breadsticks. Redskins.

Breadsticks. Redskins.

It just makes sense.

Yeah, I don't know if it does.

It doesn't, no.

What is the best way for us
to stir shit up about Danvers?

-Yeah.
-Oh, we've done this kind of thing before.

The first move is a press release from us,

followed by an email blast
to our entire user base.

How many people are in the user base?

Forty thousand, and trust me,

they get pissed about anything.

Can I just say something real quick?

Um... these are baguettes.

These are mozzarella sticks.

Where are the fucking breadsticks?

Hey, cheers, man.

Yeah, to me screwing myself over

and possibly never working again.

No. Hey, you are a hero, man.

You're doing this for the greater good.

To the greater good and to Johnny Five.

-He's alive.
-And to Bobby Jindal.

I think that dude's got a chance.

I disagree
with literally everything he says, but...

nice to see a brown guy out there.

Yeah.

Hey, Shannon. What's up?

So... interesting development.

Danvers is dead.

What?

He had a heart attack.

I don't think you should leak that email.

Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious.

That would be a very fucked-up
practical joke if I wasn't.

Look, things are happening fast.

Joan Erickson is the new head,

and they're deciding on pilots this week,

and they're wanting to meet with you
tomorrow.

All right, let me call you back later.

It's time to get this Friends money.

Okay? Bye.

Dude, what happened?

You get a callback on that Arby's spot?

Holy shit.

Jerry Danvers is dead.

Wait, but is it the same Jerry Danvers?

Yes, Ravi,

the only Jerry Danvers relevant
to our situation, that one,

is dead.

He had a heart attack.

Damn.

But that's how we roll, dog.

Those racist motherfuckers die,
and we take over!

Yeah.

A guy just died.

I'm not giving you a high five.

First off,
I just want to say I'm so sorry

to hear about Mr. Danvers.

Thank you for saying that.

We all miss him.

It's been a rough couple days.

I can't even imagine.

Now, I wanted to meet with you because,
while we loved Jerry,

he was a little bit more conservative
in his style

than the rest of us.

For example, Three Buddies.

That was his show. He loved it.

The rest of us thought
it was a little bit too traditional,

so we won't be moving forward with it.

Oh, that sucks.

Well, if you didn't want to meet with me
about Three Buddies,

what did you want to chat about?

I'm a huge fan of you and Ravi both.

I saw Jerry's emails,
and I started thinking,

"You know,
why can't there be two Indian actors

on one network show?"

I mean, that's ridiculous and offensive.

I want to do a show
with you and Ravi both.

I think there can be two.

Yes!
That's what I've been screaming, boo!

Let's do it!

Now that I'm in charge,

I want to focus on
fresh and innovative ideas.

I'm all about that.

So I just bought the rights
to Perfect Strangers.

-Huh?
-I want to do a complete reboot.

And I want you and Ravi both.

one character is an Indian man.

He was born and raised in America

and totally assimilated.

And then his cousin comes from India
and has to stay with him.

It's a fish-out-of-water story.

Okay.

Um...

yeah, that could be interesting.

I think you'd be perfect for Srikumar,
the immigrant.

You're willing to do an accent, right?

Wait, what?

Well, we cast Ravi
as the American guy, Darren.

He refused to do an accent
to play Srikumar.

He seemed pretty adamant about it.

So he's Larry,
and you want me to be Balki?

Like, I'm Indian Balki?

Yeah. Isn't this great?

Well, let's reboot another one
of the TGIF shows.

What about Family Matters?

I could be an Indian cop.

You never see an Indian cop

in real life or on TV.

That's groundbreaking.

Why won't you do an accent?

I don't want to play a stereotype.

It's offensive.

But you've done it so many times.

Your IMDb page is a list
of Indian stereotypes:

gas station clerk, IT guy,
guy in crowd with Indian accent.

I get a shot at the Schwimmer money,

and now you get a conscience?

That was the old Ravi, okay?

That was
before the Short Circuit 2 revelation!

What's wrong with Short Circuit 2?

That's a white actor.

They used brownface makeup.

Like the popchips commercial?

Is Mindy Kaling real?