Master of None (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Hot Ticket - full transcript

We need to contain the sickening.

Dr. Graham, what's the latest
on the outbreak in Kentucky?

Kentucky, Madam President?

Kentucky is gone.

The sickening, it got them all.

Has there been any progress on the cure?

I have my best technicians
analyzing the samples

as we speak.

All right.

Let's add 50 milligrams
of the iGG solution.

Right away, Dr. Vincent.



Solution is stable.

It's game time.

Let's add the virus.

Where did you obtain the sample?

Found it off some monkey
at the Memphis Zoo.

It's the latest strain.

♪ ♪

Virus, party of one, your table is ready.

Careful.

Easy.

Solution is nonreactive.

Antibodies are stable.

Madam President, we have a cure.

Oh, thank God.



Outstanding.

You did it, Doctor.

It was a team effort, Terry.

What the fuck is happening?

Oh, God. The virus is mutating!

- How did it adapt so quickly?
- I don't know.

We got to get the fuck out of here!

Put the sample back in storage!

Oh, shit. Fuck.

Activate containment protocol!

I don't want to die!

I pledge allegiance to the flag...

Get the president out of here!

Get her out of here now!
God damn it, now!

The sickening!

It's happening!

It's gonna kill us all!

Cut.

- That's a cut.
- Cut!

That was mayhem.

All right,
let's break for a soft 15, okay?

- Back in 15.
- Soft 15, folks.

So this is your first movie, huh?

Yeah. Pretty crazy story.

I auditioned, and I got a callback.

And then they said
they cast this other guy.

And then the other guy dropped out.

And then they called me back again,
and I got it.

That's a pretty boring story.

I wouldn't tell that to anyone else.

Yeah, I could feel it
going south as I was saying it.

Wow. It's a pretty crazy set.

Yeah. This is a huge movie.

It's a great gig.

I didn't have this kind of spread

on the set of The Cookout.

What?

I knew I recognized you!

You were the white guy
that fell into the grill.

You ruined Marquise's barbecue.

I did. I ruined it.

Hold on.

Were you also in Soul Plane 3:
This Is How We Flew It?

Maybe.

Does this ring a bell?

I told you, no twerking during takeoff!

That's a classic line.

You know what?

I improvised that line.

Ooh. Nice tidbit.

You know another tidbit?

Taye Diggs? He hates celery.

But I love it.

Hey, Brian,

you want to go see
Father John Misty on Saturday?

The secret show?

Yes. How'd you swing that?

Um, my friend Dave had tickets,

and then he got kidney stones,

and he can't go.

Oh, damn. Is he okay?

Um, I don't know.

I forgot to ask.

I just printed the tickets
and got psyched for the show.

Bro, you cannot take Brian, man.

It's gonna be an amazing show.

You got a hot ticket,
you bring a hot lady.

Mm, he's right. Sorry, Brian.

You're not invited anymore.

Cool. Thanks, Arnold.

No problem, buddy.

Let's see.

There's this girl Anna

I met at the Cabin Bar a few weeks ago.

Um, in the description, I put "headband."

She must've been wearing one.

And there's this other girl

I met at my friend Zach's birthday party

who writes for The New York Times.

So between girl with the headband

and journalist?

I'ma go with the journalist.

Dude, it's a Father John Misty show.

There's gonna be white people everywhere.

Bring an Asian guy
in case you need backup

when the race war goes down.

If the race war goes down

and I'm at a Father John Misty
show, I'm already fudged.

You guys need anything?

Um, no.

I think we're all good, Alice.

Thanks.

Okay, I'm closing out.

But James can help you
if you need anything.

Oh, my God, I love those shoes.

Oh, my God, just bought these guys.

Thanks for the compliment,
reaffirmed the purchase.

- Oh.
- Thanks so much.

Okay.

Dude, forget that journalist.

Take Alice. She's smoking hot.

Plus she's vibing on those slips, brah.

Oh, come on.

I can't ask Alice out. She's so hot.

She's like at the level of hot,

if I'm seen with her, people would assume

I'm an Indian billionaire.

Yeah, I totally agree with you.

But for this one night only,

because you have that sick ticket,

you get a guest pass in her league.

But if you bring
someone you don't know,

then you're running the risk
that she's just using you for that tickie.

Dude, getting used
by a hottie like that

is way better than bringing Brian.

At this point,
I just don't want you to bring Brian.

Dude, why are you doing this?

I'm sorry, man.

Listen, next week, you and me, aquarium.

Are you s--
I love the aquarium.

- That--
- I know.

And they have new manta rays there.

You're the best, man.
You're the best.

You're the best, dude.

All right.

I'll ask out Alice.

Hopefully she says yes.

We go to the concert.

She sees my inner beauty.

And we create a little

"He's" All That scenario.

So just to recap,

you're gonna ask the most attractive girl?

Yes.

Interesting turn of events.

Isn't it?

Hey, Alice.

Hi.

Do you need something else?

Uh, no.

I was actually wondering--
I have two tickets

to that secret Father John Misty
show on Saturday.

Would you want to go?

Yes.

Oh, my God, yeah.

To-- Yeah, to be clear, with me.

Not, like, Emilio Estevez or something.

I know. I know.

- No, that sounds amazing.
- All right.

Yeah, I just-- I have
to check my work schedule.

All right, do you want to
write your number down

- and I can text you and figure it out?
- Yeah.

Cool.

Okay.

- There you go.
- Great.

All right.

Well, uh...

guess that's the end of this interaction.

- Bye.
- Bye.

♪ ♪

Wow, The Sickening makeup is crazy.

I'm gonna look like this?

Yep, but it'll take a few hours.
We're gonna start with your arms.

Now, you're gonna have
to keep your arms still

for the entire session.

You need to do anything?

- You all good?
- Yeah, I'm all good.

You sure?
Once they start, you can't move.

All right.

One second.

I'm good.

Okay. Sweet.

Hey, Benjamin,
you mind checking that text for me?

What, you got a hot date?

I hope so.

All right.

Thank you.

Is your hot date named Brian?

Ugh, no.

He says, "About to try new
ramen place, you interested?"

You can just write back, "No."

Just, "No"?
That's incredibly rude.

I'm gonna write back,
"Sorry, just ate.

But I really admire you as a person."

Come on, just-- Don't do that.

Just write, "No."

I just did that.

What I said.

Yeah.

I sent it.

Can you check that?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, he wrote back.

"Thanks, buddy. That means a lot.

I admire you, too."

Fair enough, all right.

Guess I'll try to be nicer in my texts.

Mm-hmm, I think you should.

Brian appreciated it.

Hey, you mind checking that?

- Really?
- Come on.

- Brian again.
- Damn it.

"Ramen place is pretty good, B-plus."

I feel like this one doesn't
require a thoughtful response.

No.

Come on. Do it.

Check it. Come on, man.

It can't be Brian.

Wow. Wow.

Brian.

What the fuck does he want?

"Feeling a kitten gross.

Downgrading to a B-minus."

"Little gross, not kitten gross."

"Autocorrect."

Great.

It's been two days, dude.

I haven't heard anything from Alice.

What's wrong with people?

Look, Alice is a worldly woman

living in the big city.

Maybe she's just busy.

Mm, she's not that busy.

I did a little snooping on her Instagram.

Nice.

She recently posted a video
of her popping bubble wrap.

Caption, "I love bubble wrap."

Fifty-four likes.

That sneaky bitch.

What about this?

Ladies like honesty, right?

What if I'm just super honest?

What if I'm just like,

"Hey, Alice, what the fuck?

It's been two days. I'm waiting.

What, are you in a mine shaft?

Let me know about that concert."

It'd be different.

It-- Very hard for me
to imagine a situation

where she reads that
and she has a positive reaction.

Why don't you just do what I do?

Just send her a question mark.

Like, just a question mark?

Yep. That's it.

It's like a light check-in.

Nah, buddy, here's the move.

You send her a picture of a turtle

climbing out of a briefcase.

Then quickly write,
"Whoops, sorry, wrong person."

You'll get an instant response
back from her.

It's mysterious,
and girls love mystery, brah.

I don't know,
it might be a little risky for Alice.

Don't be too quick to dismiss that turtle.

Everyone wants to know what he's up to.

Denise!

What up, dummies?

We're debating what I should do

about this whole Alice situation,
you know?

I texted her about her schedule.
It's been two days.

I haven't heard anything back.

So she doesn't like you.

What's the debate?

I'm confused.

Hey!

Why you got to be so pessimistic?

Dude, she ain't text you in two days,

it means she don't want to go.

This is a very clear
and unambiguous situation.

Or-- Or maybe she really
likes me and she's nervous.

And she's sitting around
with three of her buds

trying to figure out
what to text this guy.

What about that scenario?

No.

She doesn't like you, man.

Why you got to crush my dreams?

I think I'm just gonna
send a little question mark.

Question mark?

Did Brian tell you to do that?

Yeah.

I told you,
stop taking advice from him, dude.

Look, it don't matter
what he texts these girls.

All girls like his ass.

It's true.

It's just a light check-in.

Just like, "Oh?"

No.

When he does it, it's cute.

If you do it, it's needy and sad.

Well, now I already sent it.

Thanks for your timely advice.

Denise, a query.

What if someone sent you
a picture of a turtle

climbing out of a briefcase?

Why is a turtle climbing
out of a briefcase, Arnold?

"Why?" indeed.

So you heard from your lady?

No, nothing.

The show's tomorrow.

Fuck that person.
She seems so rude.

Oh, I 100% agree.
It's totally rude.

But that's just the way
people act nowadays.

What do you mean?

Um, here's a text message exchange

I had with a girl
that I met a few months ago.

All right.

"Hey, it's Dev. Good meeting you."

"You too!"

"Grab a drink soon?"

"Yeah, how about Wednesday?"

"Can't Wednesday, maybe Friday?"

"Sure!"

"Hey, it's Friday.

Should we grab those drinks?"

I never heard from this person again.

Wow. I hated all of that.

You want to hear a sample
of texts between me and my wife?

"You want to stay in tonight?"

"Yes."

Fucking paradise.

I've never been so jealous of something
that sounds so boring.

I love it.

You know, after work,
I'm gonna go home,

cuddle up with my loving wife
and watch three to five hours

of a critically acclaimed drama,
and then go to sleep.

It's amazing.

What are you guys watching?

Oh, this British show, Sherlock.

- I highly recommend it.
- Hmm.

Oh, shit, it's Alice!

Seriously?

"Sorry, things have been really crazy.

Don't think I can make it tomorrow.

Thanks anyway, XOXO."

Fuck!

XOXO, that's good.

It means hugs and kisses.

No.

"XOXO" means, "Go fuck yourself."

Hmm.

Well, if that's true, then all the letters

my grandmother wrote me ended with,

"Go fuck yourself. Grandma."

Can you believe this, man?

I had three days.

She killed all my days.

Why are people so rude?

I'm a person.

I'm not just a bubble in a phone.

Let's just be nice.

I asked this girl out a few weeks ago.

She said nothing.

They give you silence. Why?

Make some shit up! You know?

Uh, "I'm going to buy
an air conditioner."

Uh, "Just put a stew on,
might be a few hours."

"Got struck by lightning
while holding hands with a 12-year-old.

We switched bodies.
Now I got to go to class."

That'd be great!

Gets the message across. No one's hurt.

Yeah, but here's why you got
to silence these fools, though.

Some people don't understand

the "'I'm busy' three times
means no" code.

Look, I met this girl Michelle, right?

Was not into her.

So I gave her a few, you know,
polite, busy excuses.

- Mm-hmm.
- Then this happened.

Hey, Denise,

it's Michelle, AKA Princess Love.

Got your text. You're busy.
It's cool.

But do you like
haunted houses?

My brother's a bouncer at one,
and he can totally hook us up.

Wait, her brother's a bouncer
at a haunted house?

What happens, sometimes
the ghouls act up or something?

Wow, Denise, you are a busy lady.

But I'm gonna keep calling.

It's Princess Love.

Princess Love here!

Sorry you couldn't make it
to my niece's slam poetry show.

But look, come out this afternoon.

I'm shopping for towels.

Princess Love, AKA Lil' Funyuns.

Now she has another nickname?
Lil' Funyuns?

Yo, I think I know this girl.

She DJs at my massage class
sometimes and she plays

a cool mix of Eastern and chill wave.

And she's definitely little.

And she definitely loves those Funyuns.

That's why you don't engage.

I mean, I get that.

But look, I ain't Lil' Funyuns.

I ain't Princess Love.

I'm nice guy, Dev.

And this concert's tomorrow.

Who am I gonna take?

Dev, here's what you do.

You just--
If there's any girls that you like,

you just invite them to the concert,

and whoever says yes, you take her.

But what if two people say yes, Brian?

What do I do then?

Then I don't know.

You tell the second one,

"Sorry, ticket got taken."

I do it all the time.

Everybody likes me.

No one gets hurt. No one gets mad.

All right.

So I'll ask Journalist,

I'll ask Headband,

and I'll ask this girl Sarah

that I met at the Jane Hotel once.

Wow, Dev.

It's as if all these women
are just bubbles on your phone.

That hits deep.

- You got me, Denise.
- Mm-hmm.

I've become the thing I hated the most.

And the texts are off.

All right.

Sherlock, season one, episode one.

Let's do this.

Center seat,
make some room, coming in.

Nicotine patch.

Helps me think.

Impossible to sustain a smoking habit

in London these days.

I feel like this is my new favorite show.

You say that about every show.

Last week, your favorite show
was Chopped.

Because Chopped is amazing!

I mean, right now,
actually, all shows are amazing.

It's the golden age of television.

Dudes, can we please
not talk during the show?

Respect my Cumberbatch!

Sorry.

Um...

Oh, Headband says,
"Cool if my brother comes?"

No, Headband, why would that be cool?

Sorry, ticket got taken.

Was I right?

Dude, I could watch Benedict Cumberbatch

do anything.

For real, he could play someone in a coma,

just sat there, not moving.

I'd still be down.

One sec.

Laura, AKA Journalist, says,

"Hey, Dev, Would love to go.

But just to be up front,
it'd have to be as friends."

See? That's classy.

Honesty, I respect that.

So you're gonna take her as a friend?

No.

Sorry. Ticket got taken.

Took me less than an hour
to find the right skip.

- Aw.
- Aw, come on, man.

Sarah, girl from Jane, says,

"Yes, would love to go!

So excited.
Let me know where to meet you."

I did it!

Congratulations.

You found a girl in a city
of nine million people

who's willing to go
to a free concert with your ass.

Hit Play, man.

Are you guys having
a hard time with these accents?

I haven't understood
a single word of this entire show.

I'm loving the visuals, but I'm like,

"What's that, 'Batch?"

Negroni.

Ah, grazie, hombre.

- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Mmm.

You know what I was
thinking about the other day?

If I played pool all the time
for, like, three months,

I think I could be a pool shark.

Like, how good you got to be
to get to shark status?

And then the whole
pretending to be bad?

I mean, that I can do really well.

Dude, same with bowling.

If I bowled every night for a month,

I would be on that nonstop strike status.

Yeah, pro bowlers are just people

that practice bowling all the time.

I guess what we're saying is,
if you do something long enough,

you're gonna be good at it.

Mm, yeah.

This conversation isn't that insightful.

Ooh, who's this?

It's Alice.

She said her work schedule changed.

She can go to the concert tonight.

Fuck!

Dude, you cancel on that other girl.

No, I can't do that.

That's rude.

Bro, that ticket is some VIP shit.

You take Alice.

Take the other girl
to boba tea next week.

Ah, it's pretty rude to flake, man.

Bro, listen to me.

How many times
have girls flaked on you?

Think about all that
emotional stress they caused.

Mm.

- I'm hearing what you're saying.
- Huh?

It's starting to make a lot of sense.

Eh, maybe I've been looking
at this from the wrong angle.

You know?

Yeah. I mean, whatever.

We can be shitty to people now,

and it's accepted.

It's one of the great things
about being alive today.

I'm taking Alice.

I'm so proud of you.

- Come here!
- Yeah!

Whoo!

- Hey, what's up, Alice?
- Hi.

- How are you?
- Good.

So slight change of plans.

Um, Father John Misty canceled.

It's now Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

I hope that's okay.

Oh, no, yeah.

I hope they do Crossroads.

Uh, should we go in?

- Mm-hmm.
- Let's do it.

So, uh, how long you been at Delmano?

About three years.

Ah, cool.

And what do you do again?

Uh, actor, right?

Uh, yeah. Mostly commercials.

I swear I heard your voice once

at the end of one of those,
uh, fast-food commercials.

Am I wrong?

I don't know. Were you?

Wendy's. It just tastes right.

Oh, my God!

- That was you.
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, um, should we grab some drinks?

No, no, you got the tickets.

Let me grab these.

No, no, come on, please--

No, no, no,
you will respect my authority!

Oh, is Cartman in the mix?

But, Mom!

Do you like South Park?

Uh, yeah, it's a funny show.

What can I get you?

Cheesy poofs!

No, I'm just kidding.
Can I get two beers?

You got it.

Do you like to travel?

Uh, yeah.

I went to Montreal not too long ago.

Have you ever been there?

Yeah, I love that place.

Like, the best food.

And it feels like you're in Europe.

It's so fun.

Oh, can you take a Vine of me real quick?

Uh, sure.

Uh, all right, yeah, got
the whole stage and everything.

Ready?

And go.

What up, world?

It's me, Alice.

I'm here at the super secret
Father John Misty show.

Whoo!

- Mm.
- All right.

Let me do one more.
Let me do a silly one.

All right, a silly one.

And action.

Hello, governor.

It's me, Alice.

I'm at the Father John Misty show.

Whoo! Miami!

Well, um, got that one as well.

Great.

Why'd you yell, "Miami"?

Um, it's an inside joke
with me and my girls

from our Miami trip.

Oh.

You guys just went to Miami

and yelled, "Miami," a bunch?

Yeah. It was hysterical.

All right, ready?

Quick game, quick game.

If you could live anywhere in the world,

where would you live?

Go!

And five and six and seven
and eight and one and two--

Uh, Italy?

Yes! Easy.

"Alice, where would you live?"

Mars, no question.
You can breathe there now.

What?

♪ ♪

How crazy would it be

if I just started sucking
that guy's dick over there?

Yeah.

That'd be pretty nuts.

Oh! What would you do?

I don't know.

I would probably be like,

"Hey, Alice,
why are you sucking a stranger's dick

in a public place?"

Yeah, and then-- And then
I'd be all like, "Huh?"

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Look at that jacket over there.

You dare me to steal it?

No.

Don't do that?

But it's a cool jacket.

And I want it.

And people lose jackets
at shows all the time.

Mm, I'm just gonna take it.

Are you really just gonna take that?

Yeah, it's funny.

It's kind of like you just stole it.

I know!

Mm! You know what sounds good?

Let's go do some coke
and then play some laser tag.

Oh, no, I'm not up for that.

Come on.

Hey, hey! What the fuck?
That's my jacket.

- Uh...
- She's trying to steal my jacket.

Hold my drink.

No, I'm not.

He bought it for me. It's from Paris.

It's from fucking Topshop, and it's mine.

- Give it back.
- No.

- Give it back.
- No!

- Hey, come on.
- Give it back!

- No!
- Oh, shit.

Break it up!

Ladies!

All right, take it out of here!

Rape! No!

- Dev, help. Help.
- Sorry. I don't know.

Tell them she's being crazy!

- No, I-- I don't know--
- Tell them she's being crazy.

Listen--
Dev, what the fuck?

Oh, okay, no, that's our song!

I don't know you.

You got to meet her outside, man.

Um, yeah,
I actually might just kick it here.

Probably a good call, player.

Dev?

Hey!

- Hey.
- Rachel.

How is everything?

You remembered my name.

Ah, yeah, I remembered your name.

Well, I mean, I hadn't heard from you.

I hadn't heard from you either.

That's a two-way street.

I'm actually really glad
that I ran into you.

'Cause it turns out
that that Plan B pill was a dud.

And I had your kid--
Kids, actually.

It was twins.

Yeah, one white, one Indian.

You know, I thought it would
probably be two beige ones.

That's interesting.

So what did you think of the show?

Thought it was great.

How did you weasel in here?

I'm here for work.

I do PR for the label.

But it was a secret show,
so it was pretty easy on the PR front.

I guess I fucked up 'cause
a lot of people showed up.

What about you? How was your night?

Um, I was on a date that is now over

because she got thrown out of the venue.

What? Oh, my God, that sucks.

Uh, oh, no, I'm thrilled.

She was a nightmare.

Really? What happened?

She began the night with an
aggressive Cartman impression

and then ended it by being kicked out

for stealing someone's jacket.

Ugh, brutal.

But Cartman's really funny, though.

That's what she kept insisting.

I'm actually headed over
to the after party.

It's at Achilles Heel.

If you want to come,
I can talk to the person

in charge of the list.

Eh?

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Um, I got to meet my friend Denise,

but I'll maybe stop by later.

All right, cool.

All right.

Well, tell them twins I said, "What's up?"

Yeah, they are expecting
child support, so...

Oh, well, tell the white one
to keep waiting.

I'm only supporting the one
that looks like me, so...

- All right, bye.
- Bye.

Was this Plan B apple juice girl?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, she was pretty cool.

She invited me to this thing
at Achilles Heel later.

I might check it out. What's your story?

I'm grabbing drinks with Michelle,

AKA Princess Love.

Lil' Funyuns? Seriously?

Yeah, man. Look, she's cute.

Plus, I fuck with Funyuns.

I mean, I'm more
of a Cheetos girl, but whatever.

You can't encourage
that kind of behavior, though.

Yeah, but she left me, like,
one more voice mail,

and I was just like, "A'ight."

Fair enough, all right.

Let me see what Brian's up to.

He's at the Cabin.

He says, "Come. Great party.

Vibe, A-minus. Girls, A-minus.
Overall, A-minus."

Glad he broke it down
into three categories.

That place is such a shit show
on weekends.

Why do y'all always want to go there?

'Cause it's a good spot
to meet new people.

More chickenheads to put in your phone

and text nonsense to forever.

Why don't you go kick it with Rachel?

I mean, she seems cool,
but I don't know her that well.

Who knows? Maybe I'll go to this party

and I'll meet someone magical
that'll change my life.

Maybe Rachel's magical.

How are you gonna know if you
don't spend time with her?

Look, people aren't gonna always
be magical right away.

Maybe they'll become magical.

Or they'll become garbage.

Speaking of which, I got to go meet up

with Princess Love, AKA Lil' Funyuns.

All right. I'll grab these.

Head on out, Queen D,
AKA Rich Homey Cheetos.

Later, man.

Later.

♪ ♪

Hey!

What's up, bing-bong?

You showed up.

I did.

Um, wow.

So many hip people here.

Yeah, pretty cool.

Uh, so this is kind of
more of a work thing

or you still get to have fun?

I mean, it's a little bit of both.

But I guess this is fun

because I'm a really big fan of the band.

Yeah, they were great.

You know,
I haven't been to a show in a while.

The last concert I went to,
actually, was The Silly Billies.

The kids' bands?

Yeah.

To be clear, not a solo mission.

I took my little cousin.

Oh, and how was the show?

It was awesome.

Little kids were going ape shit.

They did all their big hits.

- Hot Potato.
- Mm-hmm.

- Wheels on the Bus.
- Yep.

And Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.

Yes.

Well, I'm gonna let you in
on a little industry secret.

The Silly Billies are monsters.

What? No, I don't believe that.

Yeah, I have a friend who works with them,

and she says they're the biggest
divas she's ever worked with.

And this is from somebody
who repped Mariah Carey.

Ooh, one of VH1's Divas Live!

They can't even
be on the same flight together

because there was all this drama

because the Blue Billy
fucked the Red Billy's wife

while the Green Billy watched.

No, no, no, that's not true.

That can't be true.

It's super true.

And one of the Billies
is obsessed with feet.

What is up with those dudes
that are into feet?

You know, so many dudes are into feet.

If you Google any female celebrity's name,

the first thing that comes up is "feet."

I don't get it.

What are you more into?
Are you a boobs guy?

Butts guy?

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes guy?

Yes, that's me.

I usually Google

"Scarlett Johansson,

head, shoulders, knees, and toes."

Sometimes I do just
the head and shoulders,

but the shampoo comes up.
It's very confusing.

Um, well,
this is maybe the most amazing song

that's ever been created.

Would you be opposed to dancing?

Oh, yeah, hold on.

All right.

♪ ♪

Your jacket has a lot of zippers.

Yeah, there's a lot
of little compartments.

Do you have any tiny objects
that need storage?

I have cough drops.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so you put them in here.

That's what this is for.

It's a little cough drop storage area,
you know.

I'm riding my motorcycle,
sometimes I get a sore throat.

Boop, pop a couple in, keep on riding.

No, what's that noise?

That's not a good noise.

So my ex-boyfriend
just moved back from Seattle...

No!

Kind of try and work it out.

No, come on.

You're lying to me.
You're fucking with me.

I was gonna try and tell you earlier,

but I didn't want to make it weird.

This is weird, too, though.

This is-- This is so weird, I'm sorry.

- Yeah, no. God, no, why?
- I know...

Why? Why? Why? Why?

No, you're so cool.

There's not a lot of cool people.

Why would you do this to me?

I'm not trying to "do this" to you.

I'm sorry.
I think you're really cool, too.

God, that sucks.

You're-- You're awesome.

And, uh-- Fuck.

I don't know.

- All right.
- Well.

What, we're shaking hands now?

Come on. We can hug.

- We can hug.
- Okay.

You know, my stuff's been up in the--

- I've been up in them guts.
- Okay, we'll hug.

Come on, shh.

Hey, it was really nice--
It was really nice seeing you.

It was-- It was good seeing you.

- All right.
- Until this part.

- Until this part.
- This is terrible.

- Yes, it was.
- I get it. I get it.

And I guess there's only
one thing left to say.

Screw you guys. I'm going home.

Whoa. That's a pretty good Cartman.

I was keeping that in my back pocket.

Yeah, well done.

All right. I'll see you later, Dev.

All right, bye.

Bye.

♪ ♪