Master of None (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Finale - full transcript

I feel like there should be an app
that analyzes your tum

and tells you what you want to eat.

Yeah, but...
if the app could do that,

you're basically saying
it could read your mind.

Yeah, I guess.

But, dude, you think that's a good idea?

I mean, what if it gets
in the wrong hands?

It could do some malicious shit.

Thinking about the military,
some corporate espionage.

Do you really want to risk all that?

Yeah.



Think about all the pain and suffering
it could end.

Like right now.

I want something to eat,
but I don't know what.

Dude, I'm hungry too.

Let's eat. I'm good with whatever.

Why do people always say that?

That's no help at all.

"I'm good with whatever" basically means

"I'm bad at helping decide things."

Well, I'm trying this new thing
where I live my life like water.

You see, what ships pass through
and what those vessels carry,

I do not know.

-What about tacos?
-Sure.

Which place should we go to?



Literally any taco place.

Come on. There's so many taco places.

We got to make sure we go to the best one.

I'll do some research.

Great. I'll sit here and do nothing.

Tacos Morelos?

Sounds good to me.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

-Whoo-whee, tacos!
-Yeah, baby.

Oh, my God, so many delicious options.

-Hey, man.
-Oh.

What do you think the move here is,
order-wise?

Um, my favorite's the barbacoa.

Okay, well,
our personal tastes may be different.

What would you say
is the most popular one?

Probably the chicken or the carnitas.

I don't know.

Well, between those,

which do people seem to like more?

Like, when you watch their faces,

who seems happier,

the carnitas people or the chicken people?

I'm not watching people's faces
while they eat their food.

I'm usually working with another customer

or listening to a wrestling podcast

and staring at the street.

Got it.

You know what?
Put me down for two carnitas.

Oh, man, I'm sorry, we're out of tacos.

- No!
- Yeah.

We ran out of tortillas
a half hour ago.

Well, why did we have
the whole conversation, then?

Because you kept asking questions,

and I just kept giving you answers.

I'm over here trying to listen
to my CM Punk interview, dude.

This is supposed to be the best taco.

What am I supposed to do now?

Go eat the second best taco,
like some kind of asshole?

All right. Great.

Fudge.

How did they run out of tacos?

It's three o'clock.

You took 45 minutes
trying to find the best taco spot.

All right, well, um...

you want to help me do some more research

and we'll find a place that's still open?

Yeah, I guess.

Hold on. Incoming.

Ooh, Cassidy.

"Hey, Arnold, come to my place.

Let's have an afternoon bone sesh."

Dude, she might be talking about sex.

What?

You're gonna go have sex with this girl

instead of helping me research tacos?

Dude, I'm sorry, bud,

but Arnie's got to take care of business.

I'll talk to you later.

All right.

Taxi! Taxi!

-Thank you.
-Thank yer.

Hello, Dev.

Hey, Mr. Ryan. What's up?

Arthur Ryan, father of the groom.

Hello, Mr. Ryan. I'm Rachel.

Aw, that's nice.

I love seeing ethnically mixed couples.

You two are beautiful together.

Oh, thanks.

Had you ever dated an ethnic man
before this, Rachel?

Oh. No.

I was very nervous.

I had been dating a lot of whites.

Just so many whites.

Then one day,
I woke up and just thought,

"Rachel, you have to go out there

and try yourself an ethnic,"
and here we are.

-It's going great.
-Oh, fantastic.

Well, the ceremony is about to begin.

-Lovely to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

Take care.

Wow.

I mean,
I think his heart's in the right place,

but he really shouldn't be saying "ethnic"
that much.

Mm-mm.

What is the real race breakdown
of your previous dudes?

Uh, white, white, white, white,

half-Asian, then you.

Whoa, so that half-Asian guy,

he was kind of a gateway drug to me?

I guess so.

Who knows what will be next?

I do.

White guy.

Larry and Andrea
have created their own vows,

which they would like to share now.

Andrea,
I remember the first time I met you.

I knew right away I was madly in love

and that this love would never fade.

I've never had any doubts, fears,
or regrets ever since.

Larry, you are able to absorb all of life

and make it beautiful
as it goes through you.

You're like this prism that takes in light

and turns it
into all these beautiful colors.

Every time I see your face,

I feel this rush
of happiness and excitement

that this is the person
I'll spend my life with,

and I can't wait to have that feeling

for the rest of my life.

Rachel, I'm...

not 100% sure about this.

Are you the one person
that I'm supposed to be with forever?

I don't fucking know.

And what's the other option?

We break up?

That seems shitty too.

And I love you. I do.

I love you so much

but not as much as Larry loves Andrea.

Damn.

Goddamn. I mean, that exists?

No doubts, no fears, nothing?

Come on.

I don't know, I guess...

getting married just
is a safer bet at this point.

Sorry, I was just thinking about
other paths my life could have taken.

Dev, you're a great guy.

You really are.

But you're right.

Are we supposed to be together forever?

I don't know.

And it just sucks
because it just feels like

everything's laid out now.

There are no more surprises.

We get married, have kids,
get old, and then we die.

And I've basically invested
two of my prime years with you,

so I should just go all in.

That's just math.

So let's do this.

Quickly.

Do you, Dev,
take Rachel to be your partner

in a possibly outdated institution

in order to have a "normal" life?

Are you ready to give up

an idealistic search for a soul mate

and try to make it work with Rachel

so you can move forward with your life?

I do.

And do you, Rachel, promise to make

a crazy eternal bond with this gentleman

who you happen to be dating
at this stage in your life

when people normally get married?

I do.

I now pronounce you two people
who might realize

they've made an unfortunate mistake

in about three years.

Now you're not sure about Rachel?

I thought you were living together.

Everything was going good.

What's the problem?

I don't know.

It's just intense, you know?

I mean, whoever
you're dating now at this age

could be who you end up with.

It's a big decision. It's hard.

Po-da-po. You are so indecisive.

When you were a kid, you said,

"Dad, can I play soccer?

Can I play tennis?

Can I play basketball?"

Me, I'm so decisive.

I play golf.

I chose your mom.

We got married right away, no problem.

Yeah, but that's totally different.

It was an arranged marriage.

How many women did you meet
before you decided on Ma?

-Two.
-Two? That's it?

What was wrong with the first lady?

She was a little bit too tall.

As soon as she stood up,
I was like, "Oh, no."

You have to learn to make decisions, man.

You are like woman
sitting in front of the fig tree

staring at all the branches
till the tree dies.

Wait, what woman? What tree?

Sylvia Plath, Bell Jar.

You never read.

You're always on the YouTube.

Playing tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick.

All right.

Look, you are a young man.

You can do a lot of things with your life:

career, girlfriend, travel.

You can even start a family.

But you have to make the decision

and do something about it.

If you don't, you're doing nothing,

and the tree dies.

Go to the bookstore and get that book.

Oh, while you are there,

can you get me the Harry Potter books?

Isn't it a little late in the game
to get into Harry Potter?

I heard it's good.

All right.

Oh, shit.

I got to go to the hospital.

Somebody got a chicken bone
in their throat.

All right, well, good luck with that.

I'll see you at the premiere.

So tell me about your role.

Um, Dr. Vincent is kind of
the heartbeat of the film, you know?

He voices what the audience is thinking.

He's kind of like the Greek chorus

or, in my case, the Indian chorus.

All right, well, thanks so much.
Enjoy the film.

Wow, that Indian chorus joke
totally killed.

Boom.

What up, playboy?

Dude, this is incredible.

I just bumped into Morris Chestnut,

and he told me
to get out of his fucking way.

It was great.

-Buddy!
-Yeah!

Congratulations, man.

I'm so proud of you.

Listen, I got you a little present

to help celebrate your big day.

Whoa. This a copy of Us Weekly?

Yeah, you're a Hollywood big shot now.

You got to know what people
are saying about you.

Whoa, I'm in this?

No, but there's a great article

about Hollywood's top ten ugliest calves.

It'll make you feel a lot better
about your own.

Thanks, bud.

Man, this is a lot
of pomp and circumstance

for an empty special effects movie
with cardboard characters and no plot.

Hey, take off your theater critic hat
and put on your friend hat.

All right, I'll make an exception
this one time for you.

Oh, shit.

They're giving out free popcorn.

Really, Brian?

Your friend's in his first role
in a big movie,

and you're excited
about a free $4 thing of popcorn?

I'm excited for both.

Me, too. Let's go get some.

-This is gonna be awesome.
-I can't wait!

Oh, guys, hold on a second.

I'm not feeling well.

I think the sickening is happening!

Let's do this, baby!

-Whoo!
-Yeah! Come on!

What the fuck?

They cut me out of the movie entirely?

It's so shitty.

They could have told you
before the premiere.

Why did they have you
do an interview with Billy Bush?

Hey, Cap, what happened?

Did we go to the wrong movie?
Where were you?

They cut me out, buddy.

Hug time.

You can go tighter. You won't hurt Arnold.

Dude, look on the bright side.

At least you got paid pretty well.

Not really.

I was mainly doing this for the exposure.

Oh, but you got great stuff for your reel,

so that's great.

No, I mean,
I don't have access to that footage.

I don't even know how to get it.

Oh, you know what?

It'll still be on your IMDb page, so...

Mm, I don't think it will,
because I didn't appear in the movie.

Okay, I'm officially out
of silver linings, dude.

Sorry, man.

Where's Ma?

She got sick.

The movie is called Sickening.

She really got sick and went home.

All right, well,
she didn't miss anything, anyway.

I was cut out of the movie.

It's okay.

You can always do
another Go-Gurt commercial.

It was good.

Yeah, but that was, like, five years ago.

If acting is your passion,
you should focus.

"Passion" may be a bit strong of a word.

So why don't you become a lawyer?

What? No, I'm not gonna become a lawyer.

So what do you want to do?

I don't know.

It's emergency room.

Hey, John. What's up?

You're kidding.

Cucumber? Where?

The butthole?

Oh, my goodness.

I'll be there.

What's going on?

Somebody got a cucumber in the butthole.

I have to go and take it out.

Bye.

Do you want to do another shot?

No, I'll just feel like garbage tomorrow.

Oh, shit, there's Todd, the director.

Have you talked to him yet?

No.

Maybe I should go over there
and have an awkward conversation

and try to figure out
what the hell happened.

Yeah.

You know, he should have the decency
to tell you why he cut you out.

Hey, man.

Hey, what's up?

Uh, so Dr. Vincent
didn't make the cut, huh?

Yeah, I'm sorry, buddy.

You were great,
but we had to lose some stuff.

You know, it just kind of sucks,

because I invited
a lot of my friends and family.

Couldn't you have maybe told me before?

I could have, but I didn't.

Is that all you have to say for yourself?

You're being such a douche.

-All right, all right.
-Okay, why did you cut him out?

Hey, you know, calm down.

People get cut out of things all the time.

Dev's not the first actor
to get cut from a movie.

Oh.

You know what,
I'm actually glad that he got cut out,

because your movie was garbage.

Hey, come on.

Hey, actually, by the way,

it was a piece of shit, the movie.

Calm down.

It was fucking shit.

God damn it.

Well, you're charming.
It was nice meeting you.

Enjoy the open bar,
which I think you already have.

I'm gonna go hug Dulé Hill,
because he's nice,

not like you guys.

-What the fuck?
-What?

Mmm.

I can't believe you made this.

See, I knew you'd be a good chef.

Hey.

What's up?

Nothing.

Really? You sure?

Feels like you're not really
in the room right now.

You're just...

Well, how do you want me to eat pasta,
like this?

No, I just--
I just want you to be engaged

and listen when I talk to you.

Well, maybe I'm just recovering

from that horrible disaster of a night
I just had.

You remember earlier?

I went to the movie premiere
for this movie that I worked on forever,

and I got cut out completely?

And then you decided
to drunkenly berate the director?

Okay, I'm sorry.

It was coming from a good place.

I'm sorry you got cut out.

It's fine.

But even before that,
you've been a little quiet lately.

Is everything okay?

All right.

If you want to get into it, we can.

I'll be honest with you, but, you know,

promise not to get mad at me,
and we can have a conversation.

I promise. Please be honest with me.

I got really freaked out

when we were
at Larry and Andrea's wedding.

Just hearing the vows
and thinking about marriage

and all that stuff, it just--
It just freaked me out.

-Why?
-I don't know.

I feel like when you're younger,
in your 20s,

the road ahead in your life,
it's not as clear.

You don't know where it's going.

There's turns you don't expect.

There's surprises.

And then as you get older,

the road just becomes
a little bit clearer,

and you just know where you're gonna go,

and there's less surprise
and less excitement,

and you see what's ahead.

So what are you saying?

That our relationship
isn't exciting enough?

No, I'm just saying,

at this age, it's really intense.

Whatever you're doing in your life,

whoever you're with,
that's maybe it, you know?

And it's a lot of pressure.

Okay, I get that.

But are you saying that you're not sure

you want to be with me?

No, I'm not saying that.

Because it sounds like
that's what you're saying.

It sounds like you're not sure
you want to be with me

and that you don't like the road

and you don't fucking want to do this
or something.

No, but even if I wasn't sure,

does that make me a horrible person?

Or what, are you, like,
100% sure about everything?

You have no doubts, no fears?

No, I'm not 100% sure.

Well, what percentage sure are you?

Hey, why don't we just--
Why don't we just write it down?

It'll be an interesting experiment.

Really? You want to write it down?

The percentage I think
we're gonna be together?

That's a horrible idea.

Why don't we just have a conversation?

Because I tried to have a conversation,

and you just started getting mad at me.

Okay, fine, yeah, let's write it down.

Eighty?

Seventy?

What? Seventy is a high number.

It's not as high as 80,
the number I wrote.

And I love that you wrote that down,

but 70 is just as high.

No, if there's a movie on Rotten Tomatoes
and it has a 70%,

people say it has mixed reviews,
and I definitely don't go see it.

So you're saying that
if our relationship was a movie,

you wouldn't go see it.

I was being conservative.

I didn't want to go super high
and you go low.

What does it even matter?

Shouldn't we have both written 100
right away

without even thinking about it?

Larry and Andrea were at 100. That exists.

If we're not at 100,
we're writing fucking 70 and 80,

why are we even doing this?

Well, seems like you've really done
the math on our relationship.

You know what?

I think I should go stay at Melinda's
for a little bit.

Oh, wait, so now you're just leaving?

You're leaving the apartment?

Yeah, because I'm 100% sure

I don't want to be around you right now.

Oh, my God, Cap.

That game sounds horrible.

Why would you do that?

I don't know.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

I was actually psyched
when I thought of it.

I may have to steal that
for a breakup move.

Definitely got Rachel pissed very quickly.

So are you guys really broken up?

I'm not sure. It was left kind of vague.

She's just staying at her friend's place
for a few days.

Yeah, I mean,
at the heart of what you were trying to do

with that game is not wrong.

I mean, you're not 22.

If you're gonna be in a relationship,
you got to dive in.

You don't want to be messing around,
so maybe it's good it came up now.

Maybe.

Hopefully, we just need a couple of days,

and we can sort it all out.

When you close your eyes,
do you see Dev and Rachel

in a cozy house
with little Devs running around,

or do you see Dev out on the town
with brand-new ladies?

I just see black.

Oh, God.

End of days.

"I saw life branching out before me,

like the green fig tree in the story.

From the tip of every branch,
like a fat purple fig,

a wonderful future beckoned and winked.

One fig was a husband
and a happy home and children,

and another fig was a famous poet,

and another fig was a brilliant professor,

and another fig was Europe
and Africa and South America,

and another fig was Constantine
and Socrates and Attila

and a pack of other lovers

with queer names and offbeat professions,

and beyond and above these figs

were many more figs
I couldn't quite make out.

I saw myself sitting
in the crotch of this fig tree,

starving to death,

just because I couldn't make up my mind

which of the figs I would choose.

I wanted each and every one of them,

but choosing one
meant losing all the rest,

and as I sat there, unable to decide,

the figs began to wrinkle and go black.

One by one,

they plopped to the ground at my feet."

Hey.

Hey, how are you?

Could we meet up and talk?

Yeah, I think we should.

Hey.

Hey.

Your hair's red.

Dev, I'm moving to Tokyo.

What?

Why are you doing this?

I thought things were going fine,

and then I started to think
about what you said

about how we're on this path,

and you're kind of right.

And then I thought about my sister

and how she always wanted
to live in Paris,

and now she's never going to.

And if I don't do this now,
I don't think I ever will.

Have you really thought this through?

What are you gonna do for work?

You don't speak Japanese or anything.

I don't know. I'll figure something out.

Look, I love you, but I want to do this.

This is important to me.

I don't want to wake up one day
and wonder,

"What would it have been like
if I went to Japan?"

I always play it safe,

and I can't do it anymore.

The time in our life to do crazy shit
is winding down,

and I don't want to wake up one day

and see that the window is already closed.

I'm sorry.

Really, really sorry.

Dude, I can't believe they cut both of us
out of the movie entirely.

Yeah.
That happened to me on The Cookout 3.

The whole subplot of me beating Marquise

at the pie-eating contest got scrapped.

So how you doing?

Well, in addition to that whole mess,

my lady kind of left me.

-She moved to Japan.
-Wow.

She got as far away
from you as possible.

Yeah.

That-- That sucks.

I did this thing where I had each of us

write down what percent out of 100

we thought that we'd be the last people
we'd be together with.

Did not go well.

No, it wouldn't.

That's a horrendous idea.

Why would you do that?

I don't know.

That's so, so ill-advised.

Really stupid.

What did she write?

Seventy.

Seventy is not bad.

Seventy is not good.

That's a C-minus. It's horrible.

A 20 or a 30, that's bad.

Seventy is decent.

It's like... you passed.

Shouldn't you be at 100, though?

I went to this friend's wedding,

and they did their vows,

and it was incredible, you know?

And I know, like,
vows are super romantic or whatever,

but still, it...
It seemed like they were at 100.

That's a nice story, but nobody is at 100.

I mean, I'm in a great marriage,
and sometimes we're at 90.

Other times, we're at, like, 20 or 30.

It goes up and down.

It's not just, like,
one number all the time.

Oh, my God.

Are you the dude
from the Mucinex commercial?

Yeah, that's me.

Oh, no shit.

Dude, oh, my God.

You were the booger.

Oh, no, not Mucinex!

Oh!

This is amazing, man.

All right, well, I'm with my friend, so...

Oh, awesome.

Yeah, all right, dude.

He just took a picture of me
without asking.

That was rude.

Again, man, sorry about the girlfriend.

That sucks.

Yeah, it's tough, man.

I don't know what to do.

Long-term relationships are tough.

You can't just expect
a big roaring fire right away,

right, you know?

You can't put the big logs in first.

You got to start with the small stuff,

the kindling, right?

And you add that,
then you put in the big logs,

and then you have a roaring fire,

and that's a good relationship, right?

But be careful.

Sometimes kindling wood is hard to find,

you know, good wood,

so don't take it for granted.

-Blanket, sir?
-Thank you.

Have you ever been before?

Nope, first time.

So what takes you to Italy?

Pasta?

I really like eating it,
and I enjoy making it,

so a few days ago,

I just decided to pack up all my stuff

and move to Italy
and go to pasta-making school.

Wow, how long you going for?

I don't know.

Big move.

You just decided just like that?

Just like that.