Master of None (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Plan B - full transcript

Oh, fuck, fuck.

What happened?

The condom broke.

Okay. You have an extra one?

Go ahead, put it on. Hurry.

Yeah, I do, but, like,
I was all up in there.

Are you on birth control and stuff?

No, but you didn't finish, right?

It's fine.

Yeah, but, like, you know,

there's those--
There's those little guys



that come out before the big party.

You know?

Should we maybe get a pill to be safe?

Little guys? Do you mean pre-come?

No, no.

You can't get pregnant from pre-come.

I got a buddy, this guy Donald--

him and his girlfriend were having sex--
same situation.

She got pregnant.

Now they got a kid. His name's Samson.

Well, that seems anecdotal.

No, no. I know this guy.

He's a friend of mine.

That's what anecdotal means.



You take one example,

and you apply it to everything else.

- Oh, then that's anecdotal.
- Yeah.

I was confusing it with urban legend.

Anyway, how about this?

I got an idea.

Let's just Google it now,

just for peace of mind.

Okay, peace of mind. Okay.

- Peace of mind. Yeah.
- Great. Okay.

All right.

Uh...

Okay, right here.

"Pre-come does not contain sperm."

Okay.

Um, I'm on this other site,

and it says,

"Yes, the pre-ejaculate fluid
itself does not contain sperm.

As the pre-ejaculate
leaves the body, however,

it may pick up sperm
from a previous ejaculation

that remains in the urethra."

So, like,
these other guys are just hanging out,

and they just hitch a ride.

Well, but when's
the last time you ejaculated?

Mm...

I mean, earlier tonight.

Wait. At the bar?

No, not at the bar, at my house.

Like, here.

Here-- Like, you know,
before you go out.

If you're a dude,
you do that so you're not...

- I get it. I get it.
- ...super excited when--

I get it. I get it. Oh, damn it.

The little guys, they might be in me.

I want to get the pill.

All right, um,

well, should I call an Uber or something?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.

Um, there's an uberX that's,
like, three minutes away.

There's an UberBLACK that's,
like, 15 minutes away.

Should I just uberX?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I just didn't want you to think

I was being stingy with the Ubers.

Okay, that's fine.

All right.

So Kingston will be here in three minutes.

♪ ♪

Hello, um...

me and this young lady were...

Yep.

There it is. Thanks.

Um, is that a good brand or...

It's the best and only brand.

Um, yeah, we'll get one of those,

and anything else?

You good on snacks and stuff or...

- I'm fine.
- Yeah?

And you want something to drink?

Martinelli's?

Martinelli's?

You never had Martinelli's apple juice?

And two Martinelli's as well.

Oh, no, no. Please. I got it.

My treat.

Uh, sir,
do you mind turning the radio off?

Thank you.

Okay.

Uh, okay, yeah.

Let's, uh,
grab a drink or whatever sometime.

Sure, yeah.

Uh, yeah. It was nice meeting you.

Yeah.

Um, let's keep in touch.

- All right, cool.
- Okay.

- I don't--
- Oh, hold on.

Okay.

- Sorry.
- Whoa-- Wha-- I'll get--

Okay. Is that good?

There we go.

- Good night. Bye.
- Bye.

♪ ♪

And then the condom broke.

I hope she was on birth control.

Nope, but luckily,
we got one of those Plan B things.

So now two people
that barely know each other

won't be raising a human child together.

That's dope. Shout-out to Plan B pills.

Why do they call it Plan B?

I mean, is Plan A having the kid?

That's a terrible plan.

I think Plan A is you don't
drop a million of your sperm

into someone you don't know that well.

- You ever had a condom break?
- Hell, no.

But to be honest with you guys,

I rarely wear them 'cause they
feel weird against my guy.

Plus, I have a pretty low count.

Really?

I spent a lot of time in spas and hot tubs

and I think that high heat
melted most of my boys.

Oh.

So, Denise, for lesbians,

is there, like, no protection?

You kind of just go to town on the puss?

Basically.

If she's looking good and smelling good,
I'm down.

I mean, there's Saran wrap and dental dam,

but don't nobody use that shit.

You don't have, like,

a drawer full of dental dams
beside your bed?

I got some coconut oil--
rub her down with that.

Ooh, that sounds nice.

Look, it don't matter what you do.

Nothing's 100% safe.

Kyle Cooper and his girlfriend

were using condoms and birth control.

Them jokers still had a baby.

Dude, babies are boring, man.

It just doesn't make sense.

I mean, back in the olden days,
you'd pop out those bitches,

and they would tend to your farm,

but we're not living that
agrarian lifestyle anymore.

They're obsolete.

Dev, you want kids?

Part of me is like, "Yeah."

It could be an amazing human experience.

True, true.

But then part of me's like,
"All right, later tonight,

I want to get some pasta."

Now, if I have a kid, I can't go.

I got to scramble
to find a sitter or something.

What if I don't find a sitter, huh?

Then what? What, I'm not eating the pasta?

That sounds horrible.

That said, I do know some
parents who still eat pasta.

Yeah, they're eating
their little kids' SpaghettiOs.

They ain't housing that fresh gnocchi.

You know what the move is, though?

You got to get one of those
Trinidadian nannies in the mix.

Then you're straight chilling.

You get the nanny to do
all the grunt work,

you get all the hugs and kisses.

I will say, you know,
Kyle used to be just like us,

hanging out, drinking and stuff,

but he seems happier

now that he's settled down, in a way.

No, dude, Kyle's done.

He's not getting any sleep.

That kid's shitting all over his house.

He's not seeing his friends.

He hasn't porked his wife in over a year.

He's over.

Dark take on a good friend's life.

He is having a little birthday
party for his kids next weekend.

You guys want to go? Could be fun.

Hard pass.

You really thinking
about going to a baby party?

There's gonna be a bounce house.

Bounce house.

Could you imagine being a kid

and being entertained by this stuff?

I mean, come on. Ooh, what's this?

- Let me see that.
- No, I'm not done.

Oh, my God, is that one of those pianos

you play with your feet?

I'll be right back.

Cool!

Dev?

- Hey, Alex.
- Hey.

What are you doing here?

I'm just getting some stuff for my baby.

What? You have a baby?

- Yeah.
- It's, like, your baby?

Yeah.

That's crazy.

Who's the guy that, um--
did the-- The dad... person?

It's my husband, Dylan, yes.

Dylan.

Cool.

When did--
When did you guys meet?

About a month after our thing.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, he's great. He's a lawyer.

He's from Connecticut.

And we just bought a house in Montauk,

which is really great,

because we both like the outdoors,

camping, hiking, all that.

Cool. That's great.

Sounds like a nice white family.

He's black.

Ah.

Well, that's nice, too.

You know, good for you,
dating more minorities.

♪ ♪

Dev.

Did you hear me banging out
that Chopin for you?

Yeah. Hey, Arnold, this is Alex.

Alex, this is Arnold.

- Hi.
- DiGiorno.

Uh, Alex is here buying
some gifts for her baby.

Oh, really? What's the name of that cutie?

Lucien.

Lucien?

You named your baby Lucien?

I did. Yes.

That's my lizard's name.

What a small world.

He passed away recently.

He was run over by an ice cream truck.

Sad story.

Wow, that's-- I'm sorry.
That's terrible.

- Thank you.
- Um...

So what brings you in here?
Do you have a kid?

No, um,
we're going to a friend's baby party,

so we're just grabbing a gift.

Bounce house.

Oh, cool. Okay.

Well, it was really good to see you guys.

And sorry about your lizard.

- 'Preesh.
- Bye.

Bye.

♪ ♪

I can't believe Alex has a kid now.

I've had sex with that person.

And now a baby's come out
of that same vagina.

Yeah, it's crazy to think that that baby

has been in the same spot
as my little bud's hardware.

- It's crazy, bro.
- Welcome, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hi. Thanks for coming.

What's up, birthday boy?

Wow, are all those presents for Zach?

Man, my last birthday,
all I got was a wine opener from Arnold.

I've been meaning to talk
to you about that.

I borrowed it, and I broke it

on this big beautiful bottle of Chablis.

I'm sorry.

My dude's one, he's already
got more friends than you.

Yeah, you got to step up your game, man.

Oh, hey, Hilary.

Hey, we'll talk soon, okay?

All right. Good to see you guys.

Thanks for having us.

You're that guy from
the Go-Gurt commercial, right?

Uh, yeah.

I knew it!

Yo, so you do a spot like that,

you get a hookup on Go-Gurt, right?

Uh, not really.

Dude,
you got to talk to your agent about that.

My boy did a Combos spot--
Combos for life.

Wow. Cool.

Yeah, but he changed, man.

All right, y'all have a good one.

See you.

They're still airing that spot?

Yeah, dude.

It's covered my rent for years now.

Dude, that's some easy money.

"Hey, when you're on the go,
grab a Go-Gurt."

I could have done that.

No, no, no. It's like this.

"If you're on the go, grab a Go-Gurt."

Damn, that's pretty good.

It's actually making me crave
a 'Gurt right now.

Listen,
that bounce house is calling my name.

I'll see you later, dude.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Coming through, excuse me!

Yeah! Yeah!

Dude, you're a dad now.

That's crazy.

How's fatherhood?

Oh, it's great.

I feel like I'm part of
something bigger now, you know?

Like I've got this deeper sense
of purpose.

Mm-hmm.

But it's got to be so much work, right?

I mean, don't you miss going out
and all that stuff?

Uh...

Okay, so the other night,

Zach starts crying at 4:00 a.m.

I'm so tired.

I'm pissed.

But I get up.

I go over, I turn the light on,

pick him up...

and at one point,

he looks up at me, and he just smiles

and starts laughing at me.

And then we both just start laughing.

I'm laughing with this person I created,

right, with my kid,

this person I'm gonna watch grow up

and do great things one day--
hopefully.

I don't know, man.

I just can't think of one night
of partying or drinking

that made me feel even
one millionth of that feeling.

Fuck.

Highlight of my year was when I crashed

Zachary Quinto's Halloween party.

♪ ♪

Remember, your education is
the key to a prosperous future.

I'm really proud of both of you.

Good day, milady.
Fancy a cocktail this evening?

Get away from me.

I don't have any spare change.

No, no. I'm not homeless.

I'm just an older single man

that's never settled down.

♪ ♪

Hey. I just talked to Kyle.

You could not have been more wrong.

He seems so happy.

I can't talk right now, man.

You're distracting me from my bounce.

Excuse me, sir!

Can you please get out
of the bounce house?

You just bounced out my son Tristan.

With all due respect, ma'am,

your son's 20 pounds

and he encroached on my bounce space.

That's not on me. That's on Tristan.

Ah!

Hey, Amanda. What's up?

Hey, Dev. Hi.

Hey, what's up, guys?

Lila, what's going on? How are you?

I heard you got married recently.

How come I didn't get invited
to the wedding?

I didn't get married.

That's not what I heard.
I heard you have a husband.

It was a small ceremony,
just family and friends.

Fine, whatever. I get it.

I'm not married!

Okay, well, I guess I'll just keep

that blender for myself, then.

Grant, what's up, man?

Farts!

All right, well, that's cool.

Um, you want to arm wrestle?

- Sure.
- All right.

Oh, God.

Oh, my arm!

Ohh!

You're so weak!

All right, you guys.
Why don't you get some snacks?

- Yeah.
- Ooh, look at the spread.

That's crazy.

Grant is, like, a little dude now.

Yeah, he is,
but he can still be a real dick sometimes.

Come on. He's always nice to me.

That's 'cause you see him for,
like, five minutes a month.

If you saw him all the time,

he would, like,
take a shit in your shoe or something.

- What?
- Yeah.

Grant took a shit in my shoe last week.

It's his new thing.
He calls it "poop shoes."

I wasn't on board initially,

but "poop shoes,"
that's just good branding.

Yeah, right now, James is out of town.

I got them solo. Ugh.

It is a real bear.

Hey, do you want to come by for dinner?

Nathan's coming over.

He's gonna bring some sandwiches
from Parm.

I'm into that, yeah, for sure.

- All right, cool.
- Hey, Grant.

You want some cake?

- Sure!
- Ooh, cake.

There you go.

Say thank-- Grant!

Good arm.

What else has been going on with you, man?

Not much.

Ooh, did you see that new
Denzel Washington movie yet?

Nope.

You know what I have seen?
The Kentucky Penguin.

What's that about?

What is it about?

It's an animated kids' movie.

It's, like,
bright garbage for an hour and a half.

Oh, damn it. I forgot.

I am supposed to go to a meeting.

I'm gonna have to cancel

or-- I don't know--
take these guys with me.

Oh, hey, why don't I watch them

while you go to the meeting

and we'll just meet up later
at your place?

Are you sure that you can watch them?

Yeah, I'll just take them
to the park or something.

Hey, don't you guys want to hang out

with me for a little bit
instead of your mom?

- Yeah!
- Yeah! You're awesome!

Oh, all right. You win.

So you guys hang with Uncle Dev
for a while,

and then I'll see you later.

Okay? Yeah.

All right, cool.

I'll text you if anything comes up.

Okay, just text if one goes
missing or there's blood--

Like, a lot of blood.

- Got it. Cool.
- Okay.

- Bye, Mommy!
- All right, behave.

All right,
who wants to go play in the park

for a little bit?

Yeah!

- You're the man!
- Yeah, you're the man!

Oh, thanks. Cool. All right, let's go.

♪ ♪

Wait for me!

♪ ♪

Awesome!

♪ ♪

We're gonna get you, Dev!

- Yeah!
- Aah!

♪ ♪

I did it!

All right, guys.

It looks like it's gonna
start raining again.

We can go back to the apartment,

or we can get some ice cream.

Yeah!

Awesome.

I heard about this new place--
This gelato spot.

It's supposed to be really good.
You want to go there?

- 16 Handles!
- 16 Handles? Frozen yogurt?

No, that's ice cream for losers.
Let's go to my spot.

It's supposed to be the creamiest.

No!

All right, fine. We'll go there. Let's go.

Black lady! Chinese man!

Hey, hey, hey,
don't yell out people's ethnicities.

Sorry.

All right, frozen yogurt. We made it.

- What flavor do you want?
- What do they have?

They're all written up there on the board.

I can't read.

Ooh, I didn't think about that.

Well, how about I read them off?

When you hear what you want,
you stop me, okay?

Okay.

They have vanilla, chocolate,

strawberry, cookies and cream,

bubble gum, butter pecan,

mint chocolate chip,

rainbow sherbet...

Nothing?

Chocolate chip, coffee,

peanut butter cup,

strawberry cheesecake.

That's it.

- I want vanilla.
- Yeah, me, too.

That was the first one.
Why didn't you stop me?

I like vanilla.

Fine. You guys get vanilla.

I'm gonna try
the strawberry cheesecake.

No, you have to get vanilla.

We all get vanilla.

Vanilla.

But I want to try the cheesecake.

No! Vanilla!

Vanilla, vanilla, vanilla!

Another reason I want to be a spy is,

I'll get a laser gun.

Whoa.

Dev, I have to use the bathroom.

All right, well, can we go at your house?

We're almost there.

Now!

All right.

Come on.

All right, that's you.

Go for it.

No, I want you to come.

In the bathroom? No, I can't do that.

That's frowned upon in the adult world.

But I want you to come.

I can't go in there by myself.

I'll be right here. It'll be fine.

But it's scary when the door closes.

I get scared.

All right, let me see if one
of these ladies will go, okay?

Um, excuse me, madam,

would you mind accompanying
this young lady I'm babysitting

into the bathroom?

She's a little scared.

Why didn't you ask me?

Am I not enough of a madam?

Uh, no, I just thought she looked like

more of a mom-type person.

Oh, so you think I'm old?

Aw, come on. I didn't say old.

I said mom-type.

I didn't mean anything by that.

I mean, come on. Just-- Do you mind?

It would really--
I just don't want--

I need to go now.

All right, well, guess I'm doing this.

Thanks.

You know,

I understand why you're not helping me.

But I just want you to know in my heart,

I meant no offense to either of you.

Please watch Grant.

So...

what exactly do you need me to do here?

Just keep me company.

So don't clean up or anything?

No.

I'm a big girl.

Great. I got that.

All right,
so I'll just stand in the corner,

and you do your thing, okay?

Mm-hmm.

And, you know, don't tell anyone

I took you to the bathroom.

It's a little weird.

- I know it's weird.
- All right.

Go for it.

Uh, you know, I'm gonna make a noise

so I don't hear what's happening,
all right?

- Okay.
- Don't get scared, okay?

All right. I'm not scared.

- Done?
- Yeah.

Cool. Wash your hands.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

- Yeah!
- I hate melons!

Guys, we're two minutes from your house.

Do you really need to do this?

- Yes, let's go!
- Yeah, fun!

Ah, shit, okay.

We got to go get some beer for your mom.

Come on, let's go.

Hmm, summer ale.

Hey, where's Grant?

I don't know.

Grant?

Grant.

Grant!

Hey, Grant!

Where are you?

Excuse me. Is he with you, sir?

Uh, yeah, he's my friend's kid.

Everything okay?

He's taking his penis

and rubbing it on all
the packages of frozen waffles.

Wha-- Grant!

You can't do that!
Why are you doing that?

It's cold, and when I put

my wiener against it, it feels good.

I'm gonna need you
to pay for the waffles, sir.

All right, fine.
Just give it to me. I'll buy it.

No, I'm gonna need you to pay
for all 30 packages

in the display case.

30 packages? Come on, man.

He was gone for a minute.

He didn't put his thing
on all those packages.

We can't sell waffles
that have made contact

with a young boy's genitals.

Just pay for the waffles.

All right, fine. I'll pay for it.

I can pay for it. I have a wallet.

Whose wallet is this?

I took it from the party.

This is Kyle's wallet.

He went to the bathroom with me

and said not to tell anybody.

Goddamn.

Oof.

Hey, man.

Sorry,
I guess Grant stole your wallet earlier.

Oh, thanks. Just put it anywhere.

All right.

You mind if I use your restroom
real quick?

Yeah, it's upstairs.

I'll show you.

Thanks.

Hey, you guys, you sit here.

You don't touch anything.
You don't steal anything.

Okay, and Grant,
you stay away from the freezer.

Man, I was just watching
those guys for, like, an hour,

and I'm destroyed.

You had a kid for a year.

How do you do it? What's your secret?

My secret is, I'm getting a divorce.

What? Are you serious?

We've just been dealing
with some issues lately.

We tried to figure it out.
I don't think it's gonna work.

I thought everything
was going really well.

What about all that stuff
you said earlier?

Oh, come on, man.

That's bullshit you say at a party.

What am I supposed to say?

I don't sleep. I haven't fucked in a year.

I never see my friends. I hate my wife.

God.

Yeah,
I guess that's not really good party...

What's the word?

Party...

fodder.

Fodder, yeah.

It's tough, man.

We'd only been dating six months.

Brenda got pregnant,

and we really thought
we could pull it off.

It started off okay,

but then things got a little rocky.

It was just too soon.

And then you throw a kid in the mix...

And Zach's awesome.

We couldn't love him any more,

but it just wasn't enough
to keep us together.

Anyway, here's the bathroom.

All right.

Man, it smells really nice in there.

You got to hit me
with the deets on that candle.

Sorry.

It is a great candle.

♪ ♪

Daddy's home! Daddy's home!

We found the flour!

You can't hide it from us!

♪ ♪

Put your seat belts on!

What are you doing?

Cute kids, idiot.

Guess who's home.

Mommy!

Hey!

Hey, Nathan's coming with the sandwiches.

- Oh, great.
- Hey, penguin.

How did it go?

Oh, my God.

It felt like ten years.

Anytime I turned around,
they were just causing mayhem.

I'm sure you did fine.

I didn't see any blood, so that's good.

Hey, I got sandwiches.

Nathan!

- Hi, how's it going?
- Yay.

You guys hungry?

Yeah. Here, give me those.

There you go.

- And I'll go get the beer.
- Okay.

You guys, come with me.

Hey, what's happening? You okay?

I just watched Grant and Lila
for a couple hours.

Jesus.

It was so crazy.

They're just, like, running around

and screaming and yelling,

causing a ruckus.

That's rough, man.

That's why I enjoy being the uncle,
you know?

Like, 'cause you just show up.

You hug 'em. You kiss 'em.

You play with 'em. You make a mess.

And then when they start getting
gross and being dicks,

you're like,
"I'm getting the fuck out of here."

- And you do. You leave.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I get why you and Kate
don't have kids.

Yeah, it can definitely be very nice.

You know,
we have a lot of time to ourselves.

Are you guys doing
anything fun for the summer?

Yeah, we are going to Italy.

We rented a villa in the Amalfi Coast.

That sounds amazing.

You know what Amanda
and James are doing this summer?

They're taking a trip to Costco--

Yeah, to buy a bunch of grape juice

and diapers or whatever fucking
kid shit they have to buy.

I love Costco.

They're nice to me over there.

Like, they act like they know me,

even though, like, thousands
of people go in there every day.

You know, they always are like,

"Hey, that's that guy."

I'm there a lot.

Hey, guys. Get ready.

These Parm sandwiches are delicious.

Oh, my God.

Thanks so much for grabbing these, Nathan.

Dude, I'm so hungry.

Mommy, we finished our sandwiches.

Oh, you made that for me.

Mm-hmm.

It's our first sandwich ever.
We want you to have it.

It has peanut butter and lettuce.

I added the ketchup.

Oh, wow. This looks delicious.

You know, the sandwiches look pretty good,

but I think I'm gonna have to go
with Grant and Lila's instead.

We made one for Dev, too.

Whoa. You made one for me?

- Yes.
- Aw, thanks.

And we drew you a picture to go with it.

Whoa.

Grant, Lila, and Dev.

Aw, it's a little racist,

but thanks.

You're welcome.

♪ ♪

I got to be honest.
That looks pretty disgusting.

I'm gonna eat this one. I'm sorry.

Mmm.

You guys, that is so good.

It's really good.

Amanda, can I have yours
since you're eating their thing?

No, you may not.

Just a little bite?

A little bite.

Mmm!

This one's good, too!

♪ ♪