Masameer County (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Washingtonia - full transcript
Two men fighting for polar opposite causes suffer from an existential crisis after public interest dwindles in what they're advocating for.
THIS PROGRAM IS NOT FOR CHILDREN
IT IS A WORK OF FICTION BASED ON REALITY
Hassan Al-Banna is turning in his grave.
Excuse me?
Aren't you bothered by the songs
they're playing here?
-No, I'm listening to…
-What are you listening to? Sayyid Qutb?
Hey! What do you want?
Songs?
What about all these atrocities here?
Don't they bother you?
-It's none of your business.
-None of my business?
What good is that beard for then?
-Style!
-Style? Are you kidding me?
What about this modern abaya?
Is this also style?
And you? Surely you're sitting
with her in style?
Go away, you freak!
Where did you go, you night bats,
vessels of terrorism?
My sweet chrysanthemum is withering.
I am a flirtatious woman
looking for a man to control her.
Fuck off, man!
Help me!
Help me!
MASAMEER COUNTY
Every soul
Will taste death
And you will only be given
Your full compensation
On the Day of Resurrection
So he who is drawn away from the fire…
CLASSICS
POKÉMON
So what if Pokémon promotes
Darwin's theory of evolution?
Darwin's theory is taught
in major universities across the world.
It was discussed by people
smarter than them and me.
We have a call from Riyadh.
Professor of Islamic religion and law,
Doctor Khalaf.
Welcome, Doctor Khalaf.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent,
the Most Merciful.
Thanks for this opportunity to go over
what your guest monkey said…
No, please. Show respect.
Doctor Khalaf, if you may,
no personal attacks.
Is there anything more personal than
this sinful monkey insulting our faith?
He is saying that Darwin's theory
deserves respect,
and Darwin said that humans
evolved from monkeys.
We are only calling him
accordingly with his beliefs.
And if that upset him,
then I'll send him some bananas.
-Guys, calm down, please.
-God help him!
You know what to do
with the bananas, you pervert!
Hello? Peace be with you!
Hello?
Munir.
I miss your voice.
How have you been, Munir?
How can a wounded person live?
I can hardly breathe.
Oh man, everything is fine.
-Say it!
-Unbelievable!
-I beg you, say it.
-But it'll be the last time.
Yes, it will be the last time,
but please say it.
-Do you promise?
-Yes, I promise. I swear.
Munir…
you're a heretic.
-Okay. Good night.
-Hey! Khalaf, wait.
Did you know that I've taken up drinking?
Drink alcohol or even poison
for all I care. You're a grown, free man.
Free? What about accepting the forbidden?
You do not concern me.
Man, I'm telling you I'm drinking
on Friday at prayer time.
Listen, Munir. I'm completely over this.
We won't go back to how we were.
It was a phase. It's over.
Socializing between men and women
is normal,
songs are acceptable,
and religion is not the answer.
You know what to do
with the bananas, you pervert!
-Did you think I cannot get to you?
-Easy! Hey! We're on air.
Stay calm, please.
-Damn you, you retard!
-Get the director!
RICH RESPONSE
TO MUNIR THE HERETIC
I FEEL LONELY
NOBODY CARES
I care.
CENTER FOR REDUCING
THE NATIONAL BURDEN
Sleteen, what have you done?
We're in a pickle.
What is this? How will we move now?
Sir, it's simple. Advance two boxes.
Okay, here we go.
Take that, you rookie!
We're all rookies compared to you,
Abu Abdul Rahman.
Doctor Fatima?
GENERAL MANAGER'S OFFICE
Welcome! No one told me you were coming.
Where were you during the board meeting?
I was busy putting together
the five year plan for the center.
-By playing Ludo?
-You know, Sleteen is an idiot,
and needs visual stimulation and colors
to help him understand.
It's true. I'm not in possession
of my full mental faculties.
Isn't it a sad paradox?
The director of the Center for Reducing
the National Burden has become a burden.
You consume but are not productive.
You've become part of the problem
we wanted you to solve.
-No. Hold on a sec.
-Let me finish.
How do you send me pepperoni
when I ordered arugula with honey?
No, I won't accept it.
Take it back and send my order.
-Adel!
-Yes.
Okay, you have one week.
Either we see progress
in the center's results, or you're out.
It seems we bedazzled her, Sleteen.
Even if she were Shajar al-Durr,
you could deal with her, sir.
Of course. Didn't you read my book?
"The courage to understand
the mentality of women."
-Oh, jeez!
-She almost hit him!
She must have forgotten
to turn the stove off.
DR. BARBYAN
PSYCHOLOGIST AND VETERINARIAN
Either I'm delusional…
or the world has gone mad.
It's as if I'm an animal with no purpose.
Life has no meaning anymore.
No one answers, no one argues.
Even my wife agrees with everything I say.
Whatever it is, she agrees with me.
You might find yourself
in many situations.
It's true that competition and arguing
give you a temporary euphoria.
But they will also cause a lot of problems
and diseases in the long run, Khalaf.
One moment, please.
Didn't you understand?
That's weird. I'm sure I used
your language, you toad!
Man, we beat you with such ease!
We scored five goals.
Do you know what five goals mean?
Five goals to make you lose your mind!
I don't even know
how you could sleep last night.
What? I can't hear you, asshole. Speak up!
You want to see me? Why not?
Do you think I'm afraid of you?
Yes, I'll come to your swamp,
you five-goal loser!
Bring your gang to the airport station
and I'll show you who the real man is,
you coward!
Yes, darling, where were we?
CENTER FOR REDUCING
THE NATIONAL BURDEN
THE NATIONAL BURDEN INDEX
CONSUMPTION - PRODUCTIVITY
Sleteen, pull out the productivity report
for all government offices.
Yes, sir. Here it is.
Which is the least productive office?
The Center for Reducing
the National Burden.
What's the next one?
The post office.
Let's get to work, Sleteen.
POST OFFICE
Wait, dude. Hold on.
Let's talk it through.
Move, quick. We have other things to do.
Who are you? What's your jurisdiction?
I'll show you my jurisdiction in a bit.
-Then show me your card.
-Get in.
-I want to, but this death trunk…
-Don't touch my stuff.
But there are packets we haven't sent
that need to go out today.
Hussein, get them to the right address.
Right on it, Abu Abdul Rahman.
Teach them how to get things done.
Check the index.
PRODUCTIVITY - CONSUMPTION
Only that much? What will we do now?
Whatever you say, sir.
Unbelievable. I'm tired, Sleteen.
I've run this center for five years
and haven't achieved anything.
I might not be fit for this position.
The position is not fit for you, sir.
I think it's time for me to resign.
No, do not make rash decisions, sir.
The country needs you.
You're right. I still have a lot to give.
Yes, let's get back to business, Sleteen.
We're running out of time.
We need a big operation.
What do you say, Abu Fahd?
About moving the Al Hilal game
from King Fahd Stadium to Malaz?
Because some Korean band wants to sing?
This is a huge mistake and an insult
to soccer enthusiasts. Abdallah?
SOCCER WITH FAREED
-Abu Fahd?
-Awesome, you're a fan of the poor club.
And you're a fan of the hat club.
Jahfali.
Wait.
Nishimura.
Wait. We have a call. Go ahead, brother.
"I scored more."
"No, I scored more."
"You fan of the poor club."
"You fan of the hat club."
The stadium was stolen from us
and you are still fighting like hyenas.
-Watch your tongue, please.
-I will not.
And you, smoker! You're provoking them
instead of uniting them
to face a common enemy.
Okay. Instead of yelling at us, go on!
Tell us what the solution is.
There is no need to find a solution,
you idiot! We just need to unite.
We unite for the sake
of the bewitching ball
before we meet our end
at the hand of Omal Mac.
You think this has to do with burgers?
No, you idiot!
Omal Mac, it's a K-pop band.
What do they have to do
with the King Fahd Stadium?
It's a soccer stadium
and it should stay that way.
Let's all go and destroy them,
before they destroy us.
This is our battle,
for the ball
and for our overwhelming passion.
Okay. But you didn't say your name
or the club you're a fan of. Who are you?
I am a fan of no one. I am a soccer slave.
Khalaf of the Ball.
What's the difference
between Messi and Jimin?
Messi controls the minds
of the soccer slaves with his feet.
Jimin preaches love and peace
and rises with our minds and hearts.
That's why we will not let BTS down.
The stadium is ours, not theirs.
They need to go to Malaz, next to the zoo,
because it suits them.
If they post a tweet, we will post 1,000.
We will face them
on all social media platforms.
Instagram. Snapchat. TikTok.
Even in Calendar.
You'll take action Friday morning
to remind soccer slaves that no one cares.
Don't you want to smother them
with dislikes?
Who is this?
Or how about we report them as spam
so that Father Jack suspends
their accounts?
-The water hose is not working.
-Who are you?
Who are you? And how did you become
the leader of the Army?
Good evening.
I'm the leader of the Army.
What do you want?
Your position.
I want to become the K-pop leader.
You have big dreams, fool.
This leadership is only earned by men
like me, who have BTS in their blood.
Empty words!
Since it's come to this…
Last time he showed it was two years ago.
Feast your eyes on Jimin, you prick!
You've been babbling all morning
and you only have one tattoo?
What?
Feast your eyes on Jimin and Suga.
It's time…
to move the battle from Twitter
to real life.
Please, I want to talk to the manager.
He isn't here. What do you want?
Someone wiped their bum
with the soccer magazine.
The news did not surprise me,
for no one else deserves to lead
an army of idiots but you, Munir.
An army of idiots led by a lion
is better than an army of lions
led by a donkey.
How kind! Thank you.
The stadium has always been
and will remain ours,
and for the next generations
of soccer slaves as well.
As for you and your little gang,
find a brothel to keep you. Damn you!
War starts young,
and rages in the name
of every ignorant person.
And when it breaks loose and intensifies,
it comes back old and lonely,
wicked, bald headed, and in disguise,
hated, unwanted, and unloved.
Falcon One. Good job.
Target successfully hit.
Go back to your nest and stay safe.
Check the index now.
PRODUCTIVITY - CONSUMPTION
Never again! No more!
Yes, of course. That's enough.
Look where it's led us, Munir.
What did we gain from all these fights?
We literally got our bones broken.
Nothing is worth such sacrifice from us.
Khalaf, can I be honest?
What?
We were not winning for the cause.
We were rather narcissistic,
winning just to show off.
I agree.
What did you say?
I agree with you.
-Isn't it nice to agree with one another?
-Yes, so true.
Khalaf, why don't we work on a cause
for the sake of it, and not to show off?
Honestly, I don't understand.
A good cause that everyone supports.
What are you thinking of?
Our planet, the environment.
Right. We'll be the voice of the Earth,
for ourselves and future generations.
I solemnly swear
that as soon as I get out of the hospital,
I'll plant a palm tree every day.
-A palm tree?
-Yes, a palm tree, Khalaf.
Okay, why not Washingtonia?
No, man. We'll plant our local palm.
It's part of our heritage.
A palm tree needs water.
We're in a desert.
Washingtonia does not need water.
Plant it and it grows by itself.
Do you have a problem with our heritage,
customs, and traditions?
You have a problem
with our resources and potential.
-Are you saying that I'm a traitor?
-More than a traitor.
Show some respect,
you imperialist terrorist agent!
Imperialism is your aunt!
-I love you when you're like this!
-Please do not change.
You motherfucker! You bastard!
MASAMEER COUNTY
Subtitle translation by: Muriel Daou
IT IS A WORK OF FICTION BASED ON REALITY
Hassan Al-Banna is turning in his grave.
Excuse me?
Aren't you bothered by the songs
they're playing here?
-No, I'm listening to…
-What are you listening to? Sayyid Qutb?
Hey! What do you want?
Songs?
What about all these atrocities here?
Don't they bother you?
-It's none of your business.
-None of my business?
What good is that beard for then?
-Style!
-Style? Are you kidding me?
What about this modern abaya?
Is this also style?
And you? Surely you're sitting
with her in style?
Go away, you freak!
Where did you go, you night bats,
vessels of terrorism?
My sweet chrysanthemum is withering.
I am a flirtatious woman
looking for a man to control her.
Fuck off, man!
Help me!
Help me!
MASAMEER COUNTY
Every soul
Will taste death
And you will only be given
Your full compensation
On the Day of Resurrection
So he who is drawn away from the fire…
CLASSICS
POKÉMON
So what if Pokémon promotes
Darwin's theory of evolution?
Darwin's theory is taught
in major universities across the world.
It was discussed by people
smarter than them and me.
We have a call from Riyadh.
Professor of Islamic religion and law,
Doctor Khalaf.
Welcome, Doctor Khalaf.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent,
the Most Merciful.
Thanks for this opportunity to go over
what your guest monkey said…
No, please. Show respect.
Doctor Khalaf, if you may,
no personal attacks.
Is there anything more personal than
this sinful monkey insulting our faith?
He is saying that Darwin's theory
deserves respect,
and Darwin said that humans
evolved from monkeys.
We are only calling him
accordingly with his beliefs.
And if that upset him,
then I'll send him some bananas.
-Guys, calm down, please.
-God help him!
You know what to do
with the bananas, you pervert!
Hello? Peace be with you!
Hello?
Munir.
I miss your voice.
How have you been, Munir?
How can a wounded person live?
I can hardly breathe.
Oh man, everything is fine.
-Say it!
-Unbelievable!
-I beg you, say it.
-But it'll be the last time.
Yes, it will be the last time,
but please say it.
-Do you promise?
-Yes, I promise. I swear.
Munir…
you're a heretic.
-Okay. Good night.
-Hey! Khalaf, wait.
Did you know that I've taken up drinking?
Drink alcohol or even poison
for all I care. You're a grown, free man.
Free? What about accepting the forbidden?
You do not concern me.
Man, I'm telling you I'm drinking
on Friday at prayer time.
Listen, Munir. I'm completely over this.
We won't go back to how we were.
It was a phase. It's over.
Socializing between men and women
is normal,
songs are acceptable,
and religion is not the answer.
You know what to do
with the bananas, you pervert!
-Did you think I cannot get to you?
-Easy! Hey! We're on air.
Stay calm, please.
-Damn you, you retard!
-Get the director!
RICH RESPONSE
TO MUNIR THE HERETIC
I FEEL LONELY
NOBODY CARES
I care.
CENTER FOR REDUCING
THE NATIONAL BURDEN
Sleteen, what have you done?
We're in a pickle.
What is this? How will we move now?
Sir, it's simple. Advance two boxes.
Okay, here we go.
Take that, you rookie!
We're all rookies compared to you,
Abu Abdul Rahman.
Doctor Fatima?
GENERAL MANAGER'S OFFICE
Welcome! No one told me you were coming.
Where were you during the board meeting?
I was busy putting together
the five year plan for the center.
-By playing Ludo?
-You know, Sleteen is an idiot,
and needs visual stimulation and colors
to help him understand.
It's true. I'm not in possession
of my full mental faculties.
Isn't it a sad paradox?
The director of the Center for Reducing
the National Burden has become a burden.
You consume but are not productive.
You've become part of the problem
we wanted you to solve.
-No. Hold on a sec.
-Let me finish.
How do you send me pepperoni
when I ordered arugula with honey?
No, I won't accept it.
Take it back and send my order.
-Adel!
-Yes.
Okay, you have one week.
Either we see progress
in the center's results, or you're out.
It seems we bedazzled her, Sleteen.
Even if she were Shajar al-Durr,
you could deal with her, sir.
Of course. Didn't you read my book?
"The courage to understand
the mentality of women."
-Oh, jeez!
-She almost hit him!
She must have forgotten
to turn the stove off.
DR. BARBYAN
PSYCHOLOGIST AND VETERINARIAN
Either I'm delusional…
or the world has gone mad.
It's as if I'm an animal with no purpose.
Life has no meaning anymore.
No one answers, no one argues.
Even my wife agrees with everything I say.
Whatever it is, she agrees with me.
You might find yourself
in many situations.
It's true that competition and arguing
give you a temporary euphoria.
But they will also cause a lot of problems
and diseases in the long run, Khalaf.
One moment, please.
Didn't you understand?
That's weird. I'm sure I used
your language, you toad!
Man, we beat you with such ease!
We scored five goals.
Do you know what five goals mean?
Five goals to make you lose your mind!
I don't even know
how you could sleep last night.
What? I can't hear you, asshole. Speak up!
You want to see me? Why not?
Do you think I'm afraid of you?
Yes, I'll come to your swamp,
you five-goal loser!
Bring your gang to the airport station
and I'll show you who the real man is,
you coward!
Yes, darling, where were we?
CENTER FOR REDUCING
THE NATIONAL BURDEN
THE NATIONAL BURDEN INDEX
CONSUMPTION - PRODUCTIVITY
Sleteen, pull out the productivity report
for all government offices.
Yes, sir. Here it is.
Which is the least productive office?
The Center for Reducing
the National Burden.
What's the next one?
The post office.
Let's get to work, Sleteen.
POST OFFICE
Wait, dude. Hold on.
Let's talk it through.
Move, quick. We have other things to do.
Who are you? What's your jurisdiction?
I'll show you my jurisdiction in a bit.
-Then show me your card.
-Get in.
-I want to, but this death trunk…
-Don't touch my stuff.
But there are packets we haven't sent
that need to go out today.
Hussein, get them to the right address.
Right on it, Abu Abdul Rahman.
Teach them how to get things done.
Check the index.
PRODUCTIVITY - CONSUMPTION
Only that much? What will we do now?
Whatever you say, sir.
Unbelievable. I'm tired, Sleteen.
I've run this center for five years
and haven't achieved anything.
I might not be fit for this position.
The position is not fit for you, sir.
I think it's time for me to resign.
No, do not make rash decisions, sir.
The country needs you.
You're right. I still have a lot to give.
Yes, let's get back to business, Sleteen.
We're running out of time.
We need a big operation.
What do you say, Abu Fahd?
About moving the Al Hilal game
from King Fahd Stadium to Malaz?
Because some Korean band wants to sing?
This is a huge mistake and an insult
to soccer enthusiasts. Abdallah?
SOCCER WITH FAREED
-Abu Fahd?
-Awesome, you're a fan of the poor club.
And you're a fan of the hat club.
Jahfali.
Wait.
Nishimura.
Wait. We have a call. Go ahead, brother.
"I scored more."
"No, I scored more."
"You fan of the poor club."
"You fan of the hat club."
The stadium was stolen from us
and you are still fighting like hyenas.
-Watch your tongue, please.
-I will not.
And you, smoker! You're provoking them
instead of uniting them
to face a common enemy.
Okay. Instead of yelling at us, go on!
Tell us what the solution is.
There is no need to find a solution,
you idiot! We just need to unite.
We unite for the sake
of the bewitching ball
before we meet our end
at the hand of Omal Mac.
You think this has to do with burgers?
No, you idiot!
Omal Mac, it's a K-pop band.
What do they have to do
with the King Fahd Stadium?
It's a soccer stadium
and it should stay that way.
Let's all go and destroy them,
before they destroy us.
This is our battle,
for the ball
and for our overwhelming passion.
Okay. But you didn't say your name
or the club you're a fan of. Who are you?
I am a fan of no one. I am a soccer slave.
Khalaf of the Ball.
What's the difference
between Messi and Jimin?
Messi controls the minds
of the soccer slaves with his feet.
Jimin preaches love and peace
and rises with our minds and hearts.
That's why we will not let BTS down.
The stadium is ours, not theirs.
They need to go to Malaz, next to the zoo,
because it suits them.
If they post a tweet, we will post 1,000.
We will face them
on all social media platforms.
Instagram. Snapchat. TikTok.
Even in Calendar.
You'll take action Friday morning
to remind soccer slaves that no one cares.
Don't you want to smother them
with dislikes?
Who is this?
Or how about we report them as spam
so that Father Jack suspends
their accounts?
-The water hose is not working.
-Who are you?
Who are you? And how did you become
the leader of the Army?
Good evening.
I'm the leader of the Army.
What do you want?
Your position.
I want to become the K-pop leader.
You have big dreams, fool.
This leadership is only earned by men
like me, who have BTS in their blood.
Empty words!
Since it's come to this…
Last time he showed it was two years ago.
Feast your eyes on Jimin, you prick!
You've been babbling all morning
and you only have one tattoo?
What?
Feast your eyes on Jimin and Suga.
It's time…
to move the battle from Twitter
to real life.
Please, I want to talk to the manager.
He isn't here. What do you want?
Someone wiped their bum
with the soccer magazine.
The news did not surprise me,
for no one else deserves to lead
an army of idiots but you, Munir.
An army of idiots led by a lion
is better than an army of lions
led by a donkey.
How kind! Thank you.
The stadium has always been
and will remain ours,
and for the next generations
of soccer slaves as well.
As for you and your little gang,
find a brothel to keep you. Damn you!
War starts young,
and rages in the name
of every ignorant person.
And when it breaks loose and intensifies,
it comes back old and lonely,
wicked, bald headed, and in disguise,
hated, unwanted, and unloved.
Falcon One. Good job.
Target successfully hit.
Go back to your nest and stay safe.
Check the index now.
PRODUCTIVITY - CONSUMPTION
Never again! No more!
Yes, of course. That's enough.
Look where it's led us, Munir.
What did we gain from all these fights?
We literally got our bones broken.
Nothing is worth such sacrifice from us.
Khalaf, can I be honest?
What?
We were not winning for the cause.
We were rather narcissistic,
winning just to show off.
I agree.
What did you say?
I agree with you.
-Isn't it nice to agree with one another?
-Yes, so true.
Khalaf, why don't we work on a cause
for the sake of it, and not to show off?
Honestly, I don't understand.
A good cause that everyone supports.
What are you thinking of?
Our planet, the environment.
Right. We'll be the voice of the Earth,
for ourselves and future generations.
I solemnly swear
that as soon as I get out of the hospital,
I'll plant a palm tree every day.
-A palm tree?
-Yes, a palm tree, Khalaf.
Okay, why not Washingtonia?
No, man. We'll plant our local palm.
It's part of our heritage.
A palm tree needs water.
We're in a desert.
Washingtonia does not need water.
Plant it and it grows by itself.
Do you have a problem with our heritage,
customs, and traditions?
You have a problem
with our resources and potential.
-Are you saying that I'm a traitor?
-More than a traitor.
Show some respect,
you imperialist terrorist agent!
Imperialism is your aunt!
-I love you when you're like this!
-Please do not change.
You motherfucker! You bastard!
MASAMEER COUNTY
Subtitle translation by: Muriel Daou