Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 7, Episode 3 - Sue Ann's Sister - full transcript

Sue Ann's Augusta, Georgia based younger sister, Lila, who hosts a show much like Sue Ann's, is coming to Minneapolis for a vacation just in time for Sue Ann's birthday. Despite not seeing Lila very often, Sue Ann doesn't see Lila's visit as much of a present, as Sue Ann has always considered her a rival. Lila's trip gets even worse for Sue Ann when Lila and Lou hit it off. But the icing on the "Lila" cake for Sue Ann is that she is offered a job hosting a show similar to hers on a rival Minneapolis network. Mary takes it upon herself to rally Sue Ann's newsroom friends to cheers her up about her life and the fact that she is just as loved as Lila, despite Sue Ann not ever really making it easy for them.

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Boy, everything's
dragging this morning.

Mmm. It's one of those days where
you just can't get your brain started.

Hi, guys.

Which gives certain
people a big advantage.

Look at me... my heart's pounding,
my skin's aglow. I feel radiant.

You know why? You're pregnant.

No, I'm physically fit. I've taken
up jogging. It's the latest thing.

Ted, people have
been jogging for years.

Oh, I didn't know that. I thought
they were just people without cars.

I tell you, it feels good,
good, good to be alive!

Ted, if you want to
stay, stay, stay alive,

don't yell outside my office
in the morning. I'm sorry, Lou.

I have so much energy. You don't have
any energy at all in the morning, do you?

I don't need any. My only
physical activity is retching.

Whereas I'm a dynamo,
and I owe it all to jogging, Lou.

When did you take up
jogging? This is my first day.

I'll go down to the park when I
get myself in the proper mood.

I certainly don't
wanna look like you.


Now I'm in the mood.

Hey, Mary, this birthday party
you're having for Sue Ann...

Would you do me a big favor?

Pick up a present for me. I haven't
the vaguest idea what to get her.

Right. What do you get for the
woman who's had everyone?

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant.
Don't ask me to shop for you.

Please, Mary. Just get Sue Ann
anything that you think she might like.

Here. Here's $20.

Oh, Lou, you're so thoughtful.

Oh, look, Lou, just
because it's my birthday,

you don't have to go to
all the trouble of going out...

and buying me a present.

I'll do it for you.

Will $20 be enough?

Oh, $20 will be fine.

I bet you say that
to all the guys.

Get yourself a nice card
too. Something sincere.

Incidentally, Mary, do you mind if I invite
someone else to the party Saturday night?

Oh, you have a date?

Oh, Mary, really, if I had a date,
would I be coming to your party?

No, it's my sister, Lila. The one who
does the cooking show in Augusta, Georgia.

Oh, yeah, right.

She's coming for a
visit. Oh, that's nice.

Yes, she's going to
spend her vacation here.

Actually, we've only seen each
other a few times in the last 20 years.

This'll give us a chance
to get reacquainted.

- Oh, you must be really
looking forward to it.
- Yes.

Like cramps.

Oh, Mary, I know it's awful to
talk about one's sister that way,

but, as far back
as I can remember,

I've always felt that
Lila was a... a rival.

I used to be afraid to have
boys pick me up at the house...

for fear they'd see her.

I used to have my dates
pick me up on the street.

So that's how it started.

Well, come on, Sue Ann.

It's natural for sisters to have a kind
of rivalry when they're growing up.

- But you're an adult now.
- Oh, maybe you're right.

So I was jealous of her when
she was 14 and I was 19. Right.

I'm sure it'll be different
now that we're both 35.

I'll get it, Mar.

Hiya, Georgette. Hi,
Murray. Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Georgette. Where's Ted?
- He'll be right up.

He's not as fast as he used to
be before he got physically fit.

Well, still I have to admire
him for sticking to it. Don't you?

No. His legs are
sore, he walks funny,

and the worst part is, he's so tired, he
conks out in the middle of the evening,

still wearing his red suit.

It's like sleeping
with Captain Marvel.

Hey, Ted. Hi, guys.

Hi, Ted. How you feelin'?

Oh, never felt better, Lou. Never
felt better. Like a new man, Murray.

I owe it all to jogging. Right.

I recommend it to
both of you. Yeah.

Hey, Sue Ann. Happy
birthday. Thank you, Lou.

Here's the present
you got me. Oh.

Thank you. I'll put
it with the others.

All right. Thank you.
Hello, everybody.

Hi, Sue Ann. Surprise!

It's not a surprise party,
Georgette. She expected it.

Oh. Expected!

Hi, Sue Ann. Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you, Mary. I see
Lila isn't here yet. No, not yet.

Well, she'll be
along any time now.

She had these friends in
Minneapolis she wanted to visit.


Oh, look at all
those wonderful gifts.

Would anyone mind
if I opened them now?

I really won't be able to
enjoy the party if I don't.

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Oh, and what have we here?

Oh, it's from Lou!

"To the most
voluptuous, exciting,

"desirable creature
on God's Earth.

From Lou, with
admiration and lust."

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Oh, Lou!

It's beautiful!

Oh, you shouldn't have.


Yeah, well, uh, uh...

Wear it in good health.

Thank you, dear. Yeah.

Doorbell! Doorbell!

That must be Lila.

Hello. Lila, so good
to see you, dear.

I want you to
meet all my friends.

And stay away from the sophisticated
hunk with the hole in his sock.

He's mine.

Everybody, this is my
own little sister, Lila.

- Lila, this is Mary.
- Hi, Lila.

And Georgette. Hello, Georgette.

And Ted. Hi.

Murray. Hi, Lila.

- And Lou.
- Hello, Lou. I'm just
so happy to meet y'all.

I mean, Sue Ann has told me so much
about you that I just feel at home already!

- Sue Ann tells us
you're from Dixie.
- That's right.

My wife and I use
your cups a lot.

Can I get you a drink?

Uh, bourbon and soda, please.

Mr. Baxter, Sue Ann tells me
that you're the anchorman at WJM.

That must be very exciting.

Yes, yes. It
really... really is.

You'll have to excuse him.
Lately he does this every night.

Ted, wake up.

Oh. I was having the
most extraordinary dream.

I was wrestling in the
mud with Indira Gandhi.

Who is she?

Lila, is this your first
trip to Minneapolis?

Oh, yes. This is the man I
was telling you about, dear.

Oh, it's such a
lovely city. Mmm.

Do you know what
I just found out?

My favorite team,
the Atlanta Falcons,

is gonna play your
Minnesota Vikings!

You... You like football?

Oh, does a hound
dog like possum?

Oh, I just hope I can
get a ticket to the game.

I've got a pair of season
passes. I'll take you.

Ooh! Are you sure you'd like to?

Does a polar bear like herring?


Great. Great. Come on. Let me
show you the Minneapolis skyline.

Excuse us.

Sue Ann, would you like a drink?

What's the use? Lila will probably
take that away from me too.

Come on, Sue Ann.
Don't talk like that.

Mary, it's been this
way all our lives.

Everything I always
wanted, Lila took.

I was a senior in high school, pinned
to the captain of the football team...

A big, blue-eyed,
beautiful Adonis.

She took him away from me.

And tonight, I specifically asked her to
let Lou alone, and you saw what happened.

I'm sorry, Mary,
but I'm afraid...

there's only one thing for me
to do under the circumstances.

I don't mean to
break up your party,

but I really think it would
be better all around...

if I went out there and
pushed her off the balcony.

Come on, Ted. If you're going
my way, we can share an elevator.

Unless you wanna use the stairs
for the exercise. Oh, no, no. I don't.

No. Hey. Take it easy.

I was just kidding. Come on.

Done, Mar? Yeah, I am.

As a matter of fact, there's a program
on at 8:00 I wanna see, and I'm late.

Just wanna finish this.
Okay, Murr, last one out is a...

Happy homemaker.
Hello, Murray dear.

What a lovely necktie! Oh,
that color is so becoming on you.

Brings out the
veins in your eyes.

I know you're on your way
home. I don't want to hold you.

Say hello to Marie for me. Good night. See
you tomorrow. I thought he'd never leave.

I'm glad I caught
you. Now we can talk.

Well, Sue Ann, there's this
program that I have that I wanna...

It'll only take an hour or so.

It's sort of a documentary.
It's on at 8:00.

Mary, I had the most
thrilling experience last night.

It sheds new light
on the Crimean War.

Do you realize how upset
I was with Lila at the party?

But when we got home, we opened up
to each other like we never have before,

and I realized
how wrong it was...

to hold on to these
petty little jealousies.

I mean, so what if she does
a few things that upset me?

I'm sure I do some
things that upset her.

But the important thing is that
she's my sister, and I love her.

Sue Ann, that's terrific.

Matter of fact, the thing that kills
me is she'll be leaving in a few days,

and we'll have so
little time together.

Oh, hi, Mary! Hi.

Guess what, Sue Ann. The
greatest thing has happened.

I've been offered a chance to
audition for the At Home show...

on Channel 10 right
here in Minneapolis.

Isn't that fabulous? If I get it, we'll be
together just like when we were kids.

Oh, come on. I'll buy you
dinner, and we'll celebrate.

Oh, Lila. That's
marvelous. I'm so happy.

I tell you what. You go on
down. I'll meet you in the lobby.

There's just something I
have to say to Mary. Bye, Mary.

Hi, guys. Oh, hi.

I had a physical,
and guess what.

I've got a bad knee.
I can't jog anymore.

Knees are funny. My brother-in-law stayed
out of the war because of a trick knee.

My uncle stayed out of the
war because of a trick nose.

- A trick nose?
- He couldn't smell anything.

How did that keep
him out of the war?

The day he got drafted, he
walked in front of a garbage truck.

Did it hurt him very badly?

No. It was parked.


- It was the motorcycle
that hurt him.
- Right.

Which he would have seen if he hadn't
walked in front of the garbage truck.

Which he wouldn't have
done if he could have smelled.

Which he would have if
he hadn't had a trick nose.

Wasn't much of a war anyhow.

Well, I have to be going.
Bye, Murray. Bye, Mary.

Bye, Ted. Bye, honey.

Hi, Sue Ann. Bye, Sue
Ann. Nice talking to you.

- Hi, people.
- Got a bad knee. I can't jog anymore.

- Is Lou in?
- No, he's not.

He took your sister to
lunch before her audition.

Oh, really?

I certainly wouldn't have time to chase
men if I were being auditioned in an hour.

Sue Ann, you'd have
time to chase men...

if you were being
embalmed in an hour.

Hi, Lou. Did you
have a nice lunch?

Oh, yeah. Lila and
I had a terrific lunch.

We went to this little Armenian
place. Food was just tops.

Your sister loved
it. Really, Lou?

I really love Armenian
food too. No kidding?

Maybe sometime, when you're not busy,
you can get your sister to take you there.

Newsroom. Oh,
hi, Lila. Yes, she is.

Just a minute.

Hello? Yes, dear.

Wh... You did!

Why, that's wonderful!

Oh, I'm so happy for...

Yeah. I'll see you
at home, dear.

She got the job.
Hey, that's great.

Hot coconuts. I
knew she'd do it.

Why are you all so
happy for my sister?

You like her better than
you like me, don't you?

No, Sue Ann. Why do you
insist on making comparisons?

Your sister's popularity
is no reflection on you.

Right. It has nothing to do with you.
We like your sister strictly for herself.

Right. She's sweet and
lovely and fun to be with.

And you're not.

Sue Ann! Sue Ann.
Wait. Wait a minute.

How insensitive can you be?

I'm talking to you guys!

What is it? A woman
just left here in tears.

She's been upset for days. She
has a real problem with her sister.

- And what do you do?
- I just took her sister
out for shashlik.

- But did you have to rub
Sue Ann's nose in it?
- In the shashlik?

No! The fact that you
prefer Lila's company to hers.

- Aw.
- And can you never pass up
an opportunity to insult her?

- That's tellin' him, Mary.
- And as for you, Ted...

I've got a bad knee.

Even you should have been sensitive enough
to know that Sue Ann needed our sympathy.

I just can't believe how
callous you all were.

I'm gonna call her up right
now, and, if she's not busy,

we are marching
up there to apologize.

You're right, Mary. We should
all really be ashamed of ourselves.

Hi. May I speak to
Sue Ann, please?

She... What?

She di... Okay. Thank you.

Sue Ann just told the station manager
that she's not gonna do her show today.

She went home in a state of
deep emotional depression.

Okay. Now you've upset
her to the point where

she can't do her show.
What are we gonna do?

Maybe we can get her
sister to fill in for her.

Oh! Ted.

Sue Ann! She's not here.

Sue Ann, I have to
talk to you about...

Oh, my...

Haven't you ever seen
my bedroom before, Mary?

No, no. I would have
remembered this.

Oh, Mary. If these
walls could talk.

But who cares? That's all
over now. Everything's finished.

Sue Ann.

I know you're upset, but how could
you walk out on your show like that?

Everyone's so worried about you.

Don't be ridiculous.

Nobody misses a vain, selfish,

egotistical middle-aged shrew.

Of course we do.

W-We all miss
you... Murray, Ted.

Lou. Sure, sure.

Well, my, my. Just look who
stopped by to pay you a visit, Sue Ann.

No, I don't want to go in there.

Hi, Sue Ann.

Hello, Murray.

I'm sorry you're
not feeling well.

Uh, I hope you come back
to the station real soon.

You've only been
gone a couple of hours,

and I've missed you already.

Why? You have nobody to insult?

No, I've still got Ted,
but it's not the same.

With you, it's a fair fight.

With Ted, I could win a battle
of wits without even showing up.

Thank you, Murray.

Well, I, uh... I really love
your bedroom, Sue Ann.

Did you decorate it yourself,

or did you have a
sex maniac come in?

Very droll, Murray.

Sue Ann, I just zinged you.
Don't you want to zing me back?

Sue Ann. Sue Ann, look.

Look at this. What do you see?

A kind, sweet and gentle man.

Sue Ann,

we're gonna get you the
best doctor in the world.

Well, well. Look
who else is here.

Sue Ann, you remember
Ted from the newsroom?

Of course. How
have you been, Ted?

Oh, swell. Swell, Sue Ann.

Wow. What a great
bedroom, Sue Ann.

Ted. Stop doing...


I just, uh... I just
came to tell you...

that I'm sorry about what
I said in the office before.

Ted... Uh, don't.

You know how it is. Sometimes
you say things you don't mean.

I'd really feel terrible if I did
anything to make you leave the station.


Well... And, uh,

just really wish you'd
come back to work, Sue Ann.

We all, uh, really miss you.


Ted. Turn it off. ♪♪

Aw... Go on.

- Sue Ann.
- Is it Lou?

Yes, it's me, Sue Ann.

Come sit beside me.

Go on.



Hey... Hey, Sue Ann, uh...

I... I, uh... I hope you didn't
misunderstand about my taking Lila out.

The only reason I wanted
to show her a good time...

is because she's your sister.

There's no point in lying, Lou.

- I know I'm a loser.
- That's not so.

Well, then tell me one good
thing about me. Anything at all.


You're attractive,
very attractive.


You bet.


You're real glamorous.

Sexy, provocative, a
tawny, sensual beast?

Yes, a beast.

A sensual beast. Sue
Ann, come on back to work.

Yeah, we really miss you. The
place isn't the same without you.

Sue Ann, do it for us.

I don't know if I'll
ever work again.

I think I'd rather just...

spend the rest of my
days here in solitude...

with my memories,
my vibrating bed.

- Hi, y'all!
- Oh, Minnie Pearl is home.

- Oh, hello, everybody.
- Hi, Lila.

Sue Ann, what you doin' in bed?

I just don't feel very well.

Yeah? But you were feelin' fine when
I went out to take the job this morning.

Sue Ann, does this
have anything to do with...

what we were talking
about the other night?

Of course not.

Sue Ann, be honest with me.

Are you unhappy because I'm
taking this job here in Minneapolis?

Me, unhappy?

'Cause if you are, I don't
care how wonderful the job is...

or what a great
opportunity it is for me...

or how much it pays.

Lila, are you saying you'd
give up this job on Channel 10...

if I asked you to?

You care that much
about me? Of course I do.

You're my only
sister, and I love you.

You just say the word, and I'll go over
and tell those people at Channel 10...

that I don't want
their silly old job.

I'll go over there right
now. Oh, Lila dear.

You don't have to do that.

You can call them from here.

I'm dressed. Okay.
Let's get back to WJM.

You've got time to do your show,
and we have a news show to put on.

Right, right, right. Let's go.

Um, I'll be right with
you. I forgot my purse.