Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 7, Episode 18 - Hail the Conquering Gordy - full transcript

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Good morning. [Mary,
Murray] Good morning.

I'm upset, outraged and angered!



Oh? Well, what happened, Ted? Didn't
you like your prize in your Froot Loops?

No, that was fine.

It's what's in this paper. Read
it, Mary. It'll make you sick.

"New York news personality Gordon
Howard, the former WJM weatherman,

arrived last night for a
visit in the Twin Cities."

Hey!

How about that?
Gordy's back. That's great!

Wait, wait. You
didn't hear the rest.

"In an airport interview, Howard
confirmed the signing of a contract...

"to host a network
morning show...

"as well as four
prime-time specials...

at a reported salary
of $250,000 a year."

[Exclaims] See? I told
you it'd make you sick.

That son of a gun.



I always knew he had talent. I knew
it when I hired him as weatherman.

There was just something about
the way he handled his pointer.

Oh, yeah. Well, I-I saw it too.

I mean, remember when I used
him as co-anchorman with Ted?

You know, that was the first
time Gordy ever did the news.

Oh, yeah. Well, uh, I hate to
take credit for someone's success,

but, uh, once, he was crossing the
street, and I didn't hit him with my car.

You're right, Murr.
We're being silly.

The only one responsible for
Gordy's success is Gordy himself,

and he made it through talent,
perseverance and... [Rings]

Hello? Gordy! Hey, congratulations.
We just read the good news.

Yeah? Oh, sure. Come on down.

Sure. Hurry up. He's
upstairs at the station

owner's office. He's
coming right down.

Listen to this. "The
morning show...

"will feature candid conversations
with major celebrities.

Production will begin as soon as
the network selects a suitable cohost."

Cohost?

[Simpering] Cohost.

So, my dear, sweet,
intimate friend needs a cohost.

Aw, Ted. You know what
he's gonna do, don't you?

He's gonna embarrass
all of us. [Lou] No, he's not.

And I'm gonna make
sure he doesn't. Ted.

A cohost. He's gonna
have to pick a cohost.

Ted, will you listen to me? Ted!

The minute Gordy
walks in here, I don't want

you to fawn, beg or
toady for that cohost job.

Okay, Lou. Can I grovel?

I mean it, Ted. Don't
be ridiculous, Lou.

When I meet Gordy, it's gonna be
one professional meeting another.

Hey, anybody here
seen my pointer?

Gordy! Murray! What
do you say, man?

Hi, Mary. How are you? Hi.

Gordy, that's great news.
Great news. Good to see you.

Ted, how are you, man?

I wonder why Gordy
wanted to have lunch here.

I mean, we could have
gone to Antoinne's.

Mary, Gordy's a simple guy,

and I'm sure he likes
things easy and relaxed.

I'm sure it makes him quite uncomfortable
to have people make a big fuss over him.

Do you understand?
Mr. Grant, are you implying...

that I'm making Gordy
feel uncomfortable?

Well, I don't know about Gordy, but
you're sure making me uncomfortable.

I mean, panting and
gushing over him...

the way he talks about
meeting all those celebrities.

I didn't pant and gush.

Oh?

"You actually had lunch
with Charles Nelson Reilly?"

I did not.

I'll try to be a
little more blasé.

Thank you. This
is the commissary.

Yeah. You remember the
commissary, don't you, Gordo?

Oh, yeah. Or, as we
call it, "cramp city."

Is everything just as
you remembered it?

Everything.

Say, Gordo, speaking
of remembering. Huh?

Do you remember when
we did the news together?

- I mean, as a team?
- Yeah, sure, Ted.

Does it give you any ideas?

Ideas?

Ted, aren't you supposed to
meet Georgette for lunch today?

That was over an hour ago.
She's probably finished by now.

Georgette? Got yourself
a new girlfriend, huh?

Oh, hey, that's right. You don't
know. Ted got married last year.

Oh, Ted got married? Someone
finally trapped the silver fox.

Yep. And they have a little baby girl,
and they adopted a 12-year-old boy.

A 12-year-old boy.
How about that?

A great kid, too. Mmm.

Yeah, I'd sure like to
meet him sometime, Ted.

You would? Wait here.
I'll get him out of school.

Turkey? No, Ted's all right.

Oh. Thanks, Lou.

So, Gordy, tell us all
about the people that you...

[Murmuring]

The, uh, people you've met.

Mary, I can't believe it...

The money they're paying me to
interview celebrities on television.

You know, last week, I
interviewed Barbara Streisand.

Huh? Barbara...

Streisand. Yeah.

And then the week before
that, Sir Laurence Olivier.

- The English fellow?
- Yeah.

But I really couldn't believe it
when I found myself two weeks ago...

sitting on a mountaintop in Utah
shootin' the breeze with Robert Redford.

Huh? R-R... R-R-Robert
Red... Redford?

[Lou Chuckling] Good
little actor. Good...

He's really a simple guy.
Likes skiing, the outdoors.

You two would probably
hit it off pretty good.

Well, I certainly wouldn't be
adverse to meeting Redford...

if the situation ever aroused.

Arose.

[Snickering]

[Laughing]

You'll... You'll have
to excuse Mary, Gordy.

She's a little overawed at the
idea of meeting all those celebrities.

Yeah, well, who isn't? I mean,
on the outside, I'm Mr. Cool.

But on the inside, I'm
jumpin' up and down

and sayin', "Hey, man,
you are Willie Mays!"

You actually met Willie Mays?

[Laughing]

[Mock Chuckling]

You guys are beautiful. I sure am
glad I had time to stop by and see you.

Hey, I got a great idea. Why don't
we make a little party for Gordy tonight?

- Hey, terrific.
- Gee, I don't know, Lou.

I've been invited out by the station
owner. I don't know if I can get out of it.

Bring him along.
The more, the merrier.

Okay, I'll see if I
can swing it. Great.

Excuse me, Mr. Howard.

I'm Janet Downing from
WJM publicity. Yeah.

There are some reporters
and photographers downstairs.

I wonder if you'd mind
talking to them for a little while.

Boy, that's the way it's
been ever since I got this job.

Photo sessions,
articles, interviews. Mmm.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

- Do you want me to tell them
you're not here?
- Are you crazy?

So what time should
I be there? Be where?

At your place for the party.

Mr. Grant, I'm not gonna
give the party tonight.

Sure, you will.

No, I won't. Mr. Grant, I
have a thousand things to do.

I've gotta prepare the budget
report for tomorrow morning.

I've got letters to write. I
have to do my tax return.

Okay, okay. I'll have the
party at my place. Good.

What time shall I be there?

Hey, where's Gordo?

He's downstairs. Oh.

Too bad. I wanted him
to meet my adopted son.

That's not your son.

If I get that job, he will be.

Ted. Murray. Hmm?

There's a party tonight. Can you
come? Oh, sure. What time, Mar?

Don't ask me, Murr.
It's at Mr. Grant's house.

Right. 8:30. Special occasion.

Oh, terrific, Lou.
Terrific. [Ted] Ooh!

Special occasion, huh? Like
maybe a surprise going-away party...

for a local anchorman soon to be
skying to Gotham? [Mary] Oh, Ted.

Will you face facts? Don't
you think that if Gordy...

were gonna ask you to be his
cohost, he would've asked you by now?

Yeah, you're right.
I'd better ask him.

Ted, don't do that.

Why, Mary? They're
gonna need a cohost.

It could very easily be
me. And in this business,

it's not how good you
are that gets you hired.

It's who you know. And
now I know someone.

God bless him. I know Gordy.

Hey, we're on for
tonight, Lou. Okay, great.

8:30, my place. Gordo, I've
gotta talk to you for a minute.

Lou, I'll need your
office. Look, Ted...

Remember, Lou. When I make
it, you'll know me. In here, Gordo.

What's happening?

Be gentle.

Yeah. You wanna see me?

Sit down, Gordo. Sure.

What'd you wanna talk about?

Well, I just wondered
if there was any favor

I could do for you
while you're in town.

Well, thanks, Ted, but I don't
need any favors done now.

Well, that's all I
was going to say.

Okay. Uh, by the way,

there is maybe one little thing
you could do for me. Name it.

Could you get me that
cohost job on your show?

Come on, Ted. Gordo,
believe me, I'm great.

I mean, I can talk
way deeper than this.

[Deep Voice] Good evening.
This is Ted Baxter with the news.

Aw, Ted, don't do this. You're
really puttin' me in a rough spot.

All I'm asking you to do is recommend
me, Gordo. Tell 'em how great I am.

It's not as if I were
asking you to lie.

Gordo, believe me.

We'll be a great team.

Me, a white Anglo-Saxon
Protestant, and you...

A black Anglo-Saxon Protestant.

Ted, I'm sorry. I... I know how
much this job means to you.

But I just can't
recommend you for it.

Why not? 'Cause I can't.

I wanna know why.

Gordo, I'm entitled to know the
reason. I mean, you owe me that.

And I don't... I want the
truth. I mean, what is it?

You think I'm not
good enough? Aw, Ted.

No, no, no, no. Come on.

If that's the reason,
I wanna know.

I mean, is that what you
think... that I'm not good enough?

I mean, go ahead.
Say it if it's true.

Don't worry. I'm
man enough to take it.

Okay, Ted.

Maybe that's the reason. Maybe
I don't think you're good enough.

[Sobbing]

Boy, he really took that rough.

If only he hadn't asked me
why I couldn't recommend him.

- What'd you say?
- I told him I didn't think
he was good enough.

And he bought it?

Lou, I'll see you at your place
tonight, huh? All right. Take care.

Murray. See you, Gordy.

[Sniffles]

Lou, you didn't
replace me yet, did you?

No, Ted. The job's still yours.

Oh, thanks.

- Do you know what Gordy
said to me?
- What, Ted?

None of your business.

Anyway, that clown doesn't
know what he's talking about.

Third-rate opportunist...
Made it on pure luck.

Well, Ted, if that's
the way you feel,

maybe you shouldn't
go to the party tonight.

[Chuckles] I wouldn't miss it.

I didn't get a chance to tell
that guy what I really think of him.

I can't wait. Believe me,
sparks are gonna fly tonight.

[Chuckles] Why are you smiling?

Well, I just... I can't
help it, Mr. Grant.

There's a... a party tonight.

Two of the guests are
ready to tear into each other.

The tension's mounting. Sounds
like one of my typical parties.

[Chuckles] But
it's not. It's yours.

[Doorbell Rings]

It's open!

Hi. Thought I'd come by early
and see if you need any... help.

Oh, that's okay, Mary.
Sit down. Have a drink.

Mr. Grant, this place
is not ready for a party.

Why? Why not?

You're kidding, aren't you?

Well, what's wrong with
the way the place is?

The place looks like
a dump, Mr. Grant.

Hey! That's not nice!

You come into somebody's
house and say it looks like a dump.

What do you think, I
don't have any feelings?

This is my home.

Mr. Grant, in a few minutes, Gordy is
gonna be walking through that door...

with Mr. and Mrs. Cobb, who happen
to own the station where you and I work.

Yeah. And you... don't
have any hangers?

Just throw your coat on the bed.

That's not so unusual.

I've been to a lot of elegant
parties where the hostess says,

"Just throw your
coats on the bed."

Do you think you could
make your bed first?

What for? They're only
gonna throw coats on it.

Well, Mary, maybe there is
something in what you say.

Mrs. Cobb is sort
of a fussy broad.

Come on, Mary. Can't
you just help a little?

Boy, you really are amazing.

You know that I am actually
feeling a twinge of guilt?

And all I did was walk
through that door as a guest.

[Mouths Words]

No!

Clean it up yourself.

Well, I thought I had,
until you walked in here.

I guess maybe I had
better tidy up a little more.

Aren't you even gonna help me?

I'm not going to lift a finger.

Okay.

Do what you want. Everybody
will think you helped me anyway.

Uh, just remember. Don't
make it like your place.

Make it real.

Mr. Grant, your guests are
going to be here any minute.

Have you checked to make sure
you have enough ice, soda, glasses?

I've got enough ice. I've got
enough soda. I've got enough glasses.

- I see only four glasses here.
- Well, they can take turns.

All right, all right. I'll go in the
kitchen, get some more glasses.

While you're at it, you'd
better get me a vacuum cleaner.

Or a shovel.

This is obscene.

Men!

How many more
glasses do we need?

I'd say at least six.

Well, I don't know if I
can eat that much jelly.

Hey! Come on in. Come on in.
Just throw your coats on the bed.

Take off your
shoes if you want to.

Pretty good party, huh?

Boy, Lou, this drink has really got
a very interesting taste. Mm-hmm.

Uh, vodka and something else
I can't quite put my finger on.

What is it? It's,
uh... Boysenberry.

It's my favorite. Yeah?

Well, frankly, it doesn't
taste like boysenberry to me.

No, yours is peanut butter.

[Doorbell Rings]

Hi. Hi.

Hi, Mary. How's it going?

Pretty good for a first party.

Let me take your coat,
honey. Thanks, Ted.

Here. Just put
them in the bedroom.

Listen, Ted. I don't want you to
make any trouble with Gordy tonight.

Oh, nothing to worry about, Lou.

Thought it all over, and I realized I
was being childish about the whole thing.

In fact, I'm going over
now to wish him luck.

Good.

Hello, Mr. Cobb, Mrs. Cobb.

Good evening, Ted. You
know, we were just talking.

Who would've thought when you
were doing the news with Gordy...

that he would be the one to
become a huge success, huh?

Well, I just came over...

to wish you well in
New York, Gordo.

Hey, Ted, that's real
nice of you. Thanks.

Yeah, well, the best of luck.

Or, as they say in
show biz, break a leg.

And an arm and a
neck and a spine.

Well, am I behaving
myself? Yes, you are.

Aren't you gonna introduce
me to Gordy? Oh, all right.

Uh, Gordo, I'd like you to
meet my wife, Georgette.

Georgette. How do
you do? How do you do?

A woman I'd much rather have
than $250,000 a year. Wouldn't you?

Yeah, Ted. Yeah.

Wanna trade?

Ted!

[Ted] I'm sorry.

Just-Just-Just testing Gordo. I
mean, good jobs come and go.

I mean, you're hot one minute
and you're down the next.

But I'll always have
this fine woman here.

I know how you feel, Ted. I got a
wife myself. You're a lucky man.

You've got a wife too? Yeah.

Well, I've got kids.
I've got two kids.

I've got children
myself. How many?

- It doesn't matter...
- How many?

Three.

- Gordo, do you have a match?
- Yeah, I think I do...

Well, I've got a gold lighter.

Tell us, Gordo... Uh,
tell us lowly creatures...

what it's like to be
living on the top.

It's no different from your life,
Ted. Nothing special. No big deal.

Oh, well, I don't think you got
your job the same way I got mine.

I mean, we all know how
those jobs are gotten. [Kissing]

Right, boss? [Chuckles]

You know, Ted, when I told you
before that my life is the same as yours,

I was lying.

It's better. You wanna hear
the terms of my contract, Ted?

No, no, no, no. Please.
Yeah. I'll tell you.

No, I don't wanna hear that. I
got a penthouse in the East 60s.

[Groans] And the
company pays for it.

[Whimpering] That's right. And do
you know how I get to work every day?

Chauffeured limo, to
and from. Ch-Ch-Ch...

Chauffeured limo,
Ted. That's right.

And my picture hangs right
next to Walter Cronkite's.

Oh!

Oh, and about the clothes, Ted.

We got a tie-in with the
clothing store. No, no, no, no!

That's right, baby. Free
clothes. All my clothes are free.

[Sobbing]

I'm sorry, Georgette.
He had it comin'.

You sure told him, honey.

Come on in, Ted. Sit down.

Thanks for having us over, Mary.

I think Ted's feeling
better already.

My life is over.

Ted. You're doing very well.

You make a good living. You're a
celebrity. You've won some awards.

Six.

Four.

Four for the news,
two for bowling.

Lot of good it's done me though.

Ted, I think I know what
you're going through.

No, you don't. No one ever
knows what you're going through...

when they say they know
what you're going through.

I say it all the time.
I haven't got a clue.

So, why don't you just
let me take a shot at it?

I think... you had a dream.

You dreamed that you
started from nowhere...

and you made it all
the way to the top.

Became rich,
successful in every way,

loved.

And recently, you've begun to
become aware that time is slipping away,

and your life has turned out a
little differently from the dream.

In fact, compared to the dream,

you think your life isn't all that
terrific, and it's begun to bother you.

That's amazing, Mary. How did
you know that was my problem?

[Chuckles] Ted, that's
everybody's problem.

I had a dream once.

I dreamed of becoming
a ballerina. [Chuckles]

Took so many classes.
I practiced so hard...

in the hopes that one day, I'd
dance with the finest ballet company,

and I'd win the cheers of
audiences all over the world.

So you wanted to be a
world-famous dancer...

and you wound up as a
producer of a local news show.

That's right.

Boy, you really blew it.

I mean, compared to
you, I made out great.

At least I'm an
anchorman somewhere.

That's right, Ted. You are.

But you're not a
dancer anywhere.

Well, no, I'm not.

Boy, you must feel rotten.

Well, no.

I mean, it must
really eat you up.

I mean, every day, to
have to say to yourself,

"I'm not a ballerina,
and I never will be."

No, I don't s-say
that every day.

Oh, you poor kid.

Say, Georgette.

All of a sudden, I feel a lot better
about myself. That's great, Ted.

And I'm not even mad at Gordy
anymore. I guess I never was.

I was mad at life, because
I thought it let me down.

But it didn't let me
down. It let Mary down.

Ted, I think we'd better be
going. The sitter's waiting.

Oh, right. Let's go. Thanks
for cheering me up, Mary.

- I hope Ted didn't say
anything to upset you, Mary.
- No, no.

Well, thanks again.

[Groans]

[Groaning] Oh, no! No, no.

[Mews]