Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 7, Episode 15 - Lou's Army Reunion - full transcript

Lou wants to return a favor to an old Army buddy, but balks when he asks for a date with Mary.

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♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Hi, Mary. Hi,
Georgette. How are you?

Just fine. We just came from
lunch. Yeah. Terrific place.

Great atmosphere. Yeah,
it was behind a car wash.

- The food wasn't good,
but the dishes were spotless.
- [Chuckles]

Actually, the lunch was kind of a
celebration in honor of my raise.

What raise? You haven't
renegotiated your contract yet.

Well, it's just a mere formality, Mary.
Lou's gonna give me a raise this year.

Oh? What makes you so sure?

'Cause I got a new agent.

Someone who believes in
me, cares about my welfare.

Someone who's willing to march
into Lou's office and do battle for me.

- Who's your new agent?
- I am.

You're going to
represent Ted? Uh-huh.

He's even paying me the
standard agent's fee... one percent.

One percent?

Uh, Georgette, you better
be going home. [Chuckles]

I should? Yeah,
I'll see you later.

You go home and
practice being tough. Okay.

Hi, Georgette. Hi, Lou.

Wait. I meant...
[Deep Voice] Hi, Lou.

What was that about? [Clears
Throat] Well, Lou, you know,

my contract is up for
renegotiation. Uh-huh?

And this year, I've chosen to be
represented by a new agent. Who?



Oh, no, Ted. I don't negotiate
with wives... especially Georgette.

But, Lou! That's final, Ted.

All right. All right. Took
her out to lunch for nothin'.

Mary, I need a small
favor. Can you sew?

Well, not very well. What do
you need, a button or something?

No. Some alterations
on my old army uniform.

Nothing to it. Nothing to it.

Just let out the jacket about three
inches and the pants about four.

Are you crazy? Mary, I wouldn't
ask you if it wasn't urgent.

Well, what's up, Lou?
You expecting a war?

Worse. My old army buddies
have a reunion every 10 years,

and this year they have it in
Minneapolis, so I have to show up.

Mr. Grant, I am
not a seamstress.

Well, I'm sorry. I guess I'll
have to try and let it out myself.

I just want to tell
you one thing, Mary.

If my pants fall down,
it'll be on your head.

[Doorbell Rings]

[Doorbell Rings] Who is it?

[Lou] Master Sergeant Lou Grant.

Oh, my God.

Mary, say hi to my old
army pal, Ben Selwyn.


[Laughs] Hey. I'm sorry.

I wanted to take him home after the
reunion broke up, but he wouldn't listen.

Mary, Ben and I had an argument.

Ben here said...

that there were no great broads left
in the world, and I said that there are.


Mm-hmm. You know,
the kind a couple of guys...

could pop in on in the
middle of the night...

and she wouldn't get mad.

And the... the kind
who would invite 'em in...

and make 'em breakfast...

and sober them up.

Oh? And who might that be?

Oh, you know, Mary.
You're a great broad.

"Broad," Mr. Grant?

Ah, come on, Mary. Don't give
me that "'Broad, ' Mr. Grant?" stuff.

That's a compliment.
It's 3:00 in the morning!

Mary, you have a
reputation to protect.

I never wanted a
reputation as a great broad.

Well, you got one now.
So you better live up to it.

Please, Mary. A soldier's
honor is at stake here.

So, what'll you two
doughboys have?

Coffee'll be fine. [Chuckles]

[Sighs] Great broad.

Yeah. Isn't she?

Mary, would you believe it,

but Ben here saved
my life during the war?

I mean it.

If it weren't for him, I wouldn't
be sitting here right now.

Thanks a lot, Ben.

What happened was that
I went AWOL. [Chuckles]

And when they came
around to take a bed check,

Ben here took care of it
by slipping under the covers.

But he never got back
to his own bed in time.

So they marked him AWOL, and
they threw him into the stockade.

Come on, Lou. It was nothing.

Nothing? Nothing?

[Scoffs] Mary. Mary.

Mary. Yes.

Do you know who was in
charge of that stockade?

I haven't a clue.

Maurice the Ape.

The hairiest guy you ever saw.

If you like guys with
hair all over their bodies,

you would have loved
this guy. I mean...

He used to be able to hide
sandwiches in his chest.

No kidding.

Ooh, was he rotten.

Mean and rotten.

If he got a guy that he didn't like,
know what he used to do to them?

Wake them up at
3:00 in the morning?

No. He used to lift them up...

and bang their
heads on the ceiling...

until their brains got
like scrambled eggs.

Mr. Grant, please!

Luckily, all he
ever did to me...

was break my nose and
loosen a couple of teeth.

For some reason, he liked me.

That was 30 years ago, Mary.

And this bum here still won't
tell me how I can pay him back.

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you. Hey. Hey. Listen.

Yes. Yes. Listen. Listen.

I realize that I was crazy
breaking in on you like this.

I... I guess I had a
little too much to drink.

Oh? Yeah.

And I wasn't thinking straight.

I'm... I'm really sorry. Really.

Y-You're not mad at me, are you?

No. Are you sure
you're not mad at me?

I'm sure I'm not mad at you.

Oh, good.

It's all right,
guys. Come on in.

Hey, where's this great
broad at? There she is.

Oh, that's where she is.
Isn't that a beauty? Huh?

[All Chattering]

[Whispering] All
right, Mr. Grant.

Bad hangover, huh? The worst.

After he left my place, he went
out drinking all night with the boys.

Well, it figures. You know, I
came in early this morning...

and caught him trying
to hide all the typewriters.

Well, let's just make sure
that nobody bothers him today.

Oh, relax, Mar. Nobody around here's
gonna be dumb enough to go near him.

Hi, guys. Lou in?

He must listen at the door.

Ted, would you hold it down?
Mr. Grant has a terrible hangover.

Hangover? Terrific!

- Terrific?
- Yeah.

Because I have to go in
there and negotiate with him.

And you have a much better
chance of getting whatever you want...

when the guy you're negotiating
with is at a disadvantage.

Yeah, well, Ted, I don't think today is a
good day to talk to him about anything.

Oh, don't be silly. When am I
gonna get another chance like this?


[Lou Groans] [Laughs]

It's like taking
candy from a baby.

Hi, Lou.

- Ted.
- Yeah. I came to negotiate.

Go away before I eat your face.

No, no, no, no, no. You
wouldn't negotiate with Georgette,

so you're gonna have
to negotiate with me, Lou.

- Some other time, Ted.
- Now, Lou!

Okay, Ted. Okay.
But soft. Very soft.

Okay. Now, in addition to more money,
these are some of the other things I want.

First, I want my dressing room redecorated,
and I don't just mean a paint job.

That's what you always
give me... a paint job.

This year I want
wallpaper, a new rug,

some Danish modern furniture...

and maybe a cat.

Okay, okay. It doesn't
have to be a real cat.

Say, you think... you think we
might be able to discuss money, Lou?

Tell you what.

Suppose I change my mind.

Suppose I agree to negotiate
with Georgette like you wanted.

When? I'll see
her this afternoon.

Do you mean it? I promise...
if you leave now, quietly.

Okay. Thanks, Lou.

I really appreciate this. I'm so
happy. Wait till I tell Georgette.

Oh, I'm so happy. [Mouths Word]


I said... yahoo!



What do you say, pal?

Hello, Ben. Lou,

I've got some
sensational news for you.

They're bringing
back prohibition?

I'm finally gonna
let you off the hook.

I'm gonna let you pay me
back for saving your butt.

- How?
- Get me Mary.

Get you Mary? What's
that supposed to mean?

Hey, come on, pal. You were in
the army. You don't need diagrams.

I'm... I'm sorry. I can't.

Pal, you owe me this
favor. All you gotta

do is ask her to go
out with me. That's all.

You... You just want me to
ask her to go out with you.

That's all.

Well, okay.

But if you want to go out with her,
why do you need me to ask her?

To put in a good
word for me, Lou.

Soften her up. You
know, it's like in the army.

You pound them with your
artillery till their resistance is broken,

then you send in the troops. I don't
want to pound Mary with artillery.

You don't even know what
kind of a woman she is.

Oh, yes, I do, Lou.
Mary's different. Yeah.

She's somebody special.
Not like the girls I'm used to.

Don't worry. She wouldn't
be just a one-night stand.

Do you really mean
that? Absolutely.

Mary's someone I'd be proud to
take to Vegas for the weekend.

[Door Closes]

Mary back from lunch
yet? No, Lou. What's up?

Murray, I did a terrible thing.

I owe this old
army buddy a favor.

He wants to go out with Mary
tomorrow night, and I said I'd ask her.

- So, what's wrong with that?
- You don't know this guy.

He's a real make-out artist. During the
war, German women used to give him nylons.

Oh. Hey, uh, Mary.

Uh, are you, uh, uh,
busy tomorrow night? No.

You sure? Yeah.

- Check your calendar. Make sure.
- Mr. Grant. What's this all about?

It's Ben. He finally figured out
how he wants me to pay him back.

He wants me to ask you to
go out with him tomorrow night.

After 30 years,
that's all he wants?

Yeah. I knew you wouldn't
be interested. No, no, no.

Mr. Grant, I wouldn't
mind going out with Ben.

Not at all. I think
it's kind of flattering

that that's the way
he'd like to be repaid.

You're sure? Yeah.

You-You-You really
wouldn't enjoy yourself, Mary.

Look. Ben isn't gonna
be in town all that long.

I'd be delighted to
show him a good time.

Oh, boy.

Hi, Mary. Oh. Hi, Georgette.

I've come to discuss
Ted's raise with Lou. Ah.

Frankly, I'm a little scared. I've
never done anything like this before.

Oh, Georgette, don't be nervous.

I... I'm sure you'll
do... just fine.

[Lou] Come in!

Hi, Lou. Here I am.

[Door Closes] Oh, yeah.

Right. Sit down, Georgette.

Why don't we see if we can get
this over as quickly as possible?

Now, exactly what kind of a
raise for Ted did you have in mind?

Well, seeing as how we
have two children now,

and the apartment
is kind of small,

we were thinking of
maybe buying a house.

Georgette, I think
I should tell you.

The station really can't
afford much money.

Oh. Okay.


Wait a minute.
Where-Where are you going?

Well, if you don't have any money,
we really don't have to have a house.


That's just part of negotiating.

You always tell the
other person you can't

afford to give them a
raise, even if you can.

But that's lying. No. No.

It's not lying. It's just
taking a firm stance.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, then, what am I
supposed to say? We...

You're supposed to say that
Ted has a lot of other offers.

But Ted doesn't
have any other offers.

So I guess we
can't ask for a raise,

which means we
can't get the house.

Unless I go back
to work. Mm-hmm.

But then I'll have to pay someone to
watch the children while I'm working.

But if I do that, then
we'll just break even,

and Ted'll have to
ask for a raise again,

which he won't get because
he doesn't have any other offers.

Poor Ted.

Look, Georgette.

I'll give Ted another 2,000
bucks a year. How's that?

But you can't afford it. I don't
want the station to go into debt.

Ah, the station won't
go into debt. They got

more money than they
know what to do with.

Well, okay, but only
if you think it's fair.


Georgette, it's not a
question of what I think is fair.

It's a question of what
we'll be able to agree upon.

Do you understand now?


What do you think
we should agree upon?

Look. I'm willing to give Ted another 4,000
bucks a year, and that's my final offer.

Are you sure you don't
want to go back to two?

I might go to five.

Okay, we'll take the four.


That's good. Now,
you go out there,

and you buy yourself
that little house.

Okay? Phew.

Ted sure was right. You
sure drive a hard bargain.


Hey, Mary, I had a great idea.

If you want me to get you out of that
date with Ben tonight, I know how to do it.

Mr. Grant, I don't mind
going out with Ben. Really.

Really, it's no trouble at all. All
I'll do is tell him a little white lie.

I'll say you fell down
the elevator shaft.

Mr. Grant, are you afraid that
Ben might make a pass at little me?

Something like that. Oh,

you were just born to be cute.

If anything happens to her on
that date tonight, I'll kill myself.

Oh, come on, Lou.
I'm sure that Mary has

gone out with a lot of
guys like Ben before.

No, not like this guy. When it
comes to women, he's an animal.

I thought this guy
was your friend, Lou.

Oh, not exactly.
Not exactly. He...

He's the kind of guy whose company
you don't enjoy, but you tolerate him.

Did you ever know
anybody like that?

Great show, guys.

He must be
listening at the door.

What's up? Oh, nothing
you'd be interested in, Ted.

Oh. Discussing the news?

No. No, Ted. It's,
uh... It's man talk.

Man talk, and I
wouldn't be interested?

[Chuckles] What am I, a puppy?

Murray, what is it? Well, uh,

Lou's old army buddy is
taking Mary out tonight,

and Lou's afraid of
what might happen.

Hey! Relax, Lou.

What's the worst thing
Mary could do to this guy?


I really had a great
time. Oh, Ben, so did I.

Would you like
some brandy? Love it.

Come on in.

Gee, it's a shame you're going
home so soon. Tomorrow, huh?

Yeah, I'm beginning
to like it here.

You know, Mary, this is
really a nice-looking apartment.

Oh. Thank you. I haven't
lived here very long.

The other place was nice,
but it was kind of small.

That's why I moved here.
This one has a bedroom.

Smart move.

[Doorbell Rings] Who could
that be at this hour? Who is it?

It's me, Lou. Wonderful.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything. I
just happened to be downstairs. Hi, Ben.


You just happened to be
downstairs? Yeah. Sitting in my car.

And so you thought
you'd just drop in.

Yeah. What are we drinking?
Mr. Grant, I don't want to be rude...

Oh, come on, Mary. Just a short
one, and then I'm leaving. I promise.

Hey. So, what did you two
kids have for dinner tonight?

I stopped at the drugstore. I had a
veal cutlet, but I had to send it back.

Do you know why? No.

Because I ordered rice pudding.

Hey, Ben. Do you
remember that cook we had...

Oh, Mr. Grant! You made me
spill brandy on my... Oh. I'm sorry.

Oh. It was an accident.
I'll buy you another bottle.

I better get out of
this. Excuse me.

Don't put on anything special for
me, Mary. Make yourself comfortable.

A robe will be fine.


Mary. Put on what you wore
the other day... the tweed suit.

With the knickers.

- Lou, what are you doing here?
- I came by to see my old buddy.

Well, take off. You're
ruining everything.

Oh, come on, Ben. Nothing's
gonna happen, and you know it.

Are you nuts? Mary's
the kind I always look for.

Never been married.
No steady boyfriend.

I'm telling you, she's a pushover. What
makes you think nothing's gonna happen?

Just this. [Groans]

Did I spill any brandy...

- Mr. Grant!
- I suppose you're gonna say
this is my fault.

What happened?

I punched him. Why?

- I have my reasons.
- Mr. Grant,
please leave my home.

- Aw, come on, Mary.
- I mean it, Mr. Grant.

I'm not gonna tolerate violence
in my own living room. [Groans]

Actually hitting
someone. Please get out.

- Why'd you hit me, Lou?
- You had it coming.

Mary, he had plans
for you. Big plans.

That's no reason
to hit somebody.

Mr. Grant, I am a big girl.
I can take care of myself.

Now, I don't know what Ben's
plans were for this evening,

but believe me, if he was gonna try
anything, he wasn't gonna get away with it.

Nothing would have
happened. Nothing.

Now hold on a second, Mary.

Let's not be so definite about
what would have happened.

You may think nothing would have
happened, but you don't know that for sure.

Well, excuse me, Ben, but it does take
two people to make something happen,

and since I am one
of the people involved,

I think I can say with
complete certainty...

that I know nothing...
[Chuckles] would have happened.

You may have been out
with a lot of guys, Mary,

but you haven't been
out with Ben Selwyn.

You see, what Ben Selwyn
wants, Ben Selwyn gets.

Not from me he doesn't.

Listen, Mary. I know your type.
Cool, prim, proper on the outside.

But inside, a furnace.

Ten minutes, I would
have you begging for me.

Begging for you?

Make that five minutes.
[Manic Chuckle]


Easy, Mary. E-Easy. Mary, Mary.

Ben, you better get out of here. I don't
know how much longer I can hold her.

Okay, I'm going. Thanks
for a delightful evening, Mary.

[Screams] Go!

Lou, I'll see you in 10 years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Door Closes]

Oh! Why didn't
you let me hit him?

I was afraid you
might kill him. Just one.

That's all I wanted. Just one!
Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.
Take it easy. Relax. Relax.

He's gone. He's gone.

Yes, yes, yes.
There. That's better.

That's better.
Come on. Sit down.

[Snarls] Now...

Come on.

You okay?


[Giggling] You were...

You were really gonna
punch him, weren't you?

You bet I was. Yeah?

Of all the arrogant,
egotistical... [Laughs]

You were really gonna flatten
him. I was gonna cream him!

[Laughs] "What Ben Selwyn
wants, Ben Selwyn gets."

I should have
knocked his block off.


And as for you,

bursting in here like I couldn't
even take care of myself.

Who do you think you are?

- I think maybe I better be...
- Sit down!

Now you and I have to
get something straight here.

No. Mary. Mary. You don't
have to say anything. I...

I know I owe you an
apology for tonight. I...

I... I guess I...

I guess I look on you
as kind of a... a daughter.

As someone who needs protection.

I know it's not that way.

But in my eyes,

you'll always be that
same wide-eyed, naive girl...

who came into my office
seven years ago looking for a job.

I... I can't help it. That's...

That's just the way I see you.

Sweet, innocent, vulnerable.

I just... hope
you'll understand.

Oh, I... think I can.

I really, uh... I really
better be going.

Good night, Mr. Grant.

Good night, Rocky.

You got Ted a $4,000
raise? That's incredible.

Say, listen, Georgette. Uh, I was planning
on going in and asking Lou for a raise.

Do you think maybe you could
be my agent and ask him for me?

Oh, Murray, I wouldn't
know what to say.

You could just say the
same things you said for Ted.

If it worked for him, I'm
sure it would work for me.

Well, okay. Thanks.

Murray. Yeah?

Here. Oh, Lou, can I
speak to you for a second?

Sure, Georgette. What is it?

Well, seeing as how Murray
and I have two children now...

and the apartment
is kind of small,

we were thinking of
maybe buying a house.

Of course, if you don't have any
money, maybe we don't really need...