Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 7, Episode 10 - Murray Can't Lose - full transcript

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Yeah, but see, I...
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah, but see, I
really... I don't want to...



Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

But listen. I keep thinking there must be
somebody else who would really rather...

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

All right, I'll
do it. I'll do it.

- Guess who that was.
- An obscene call?

The Teddy Awards.

They want me to be in charge of
the entertainment at this year's dinner.

Oh, well, somebody's
gotta do it, Mar.

But why me, Murray?

To tell you the truth, I'd
prefer an obscene call.

Well, who wouldn't?

Hi, guys. [Mary] Hi, Ted.

Any news on the
Teddy nominations?

- [Mary] Nope, not yet.
- No matter.



Good morning. Lou, any
news on the Teddy Awards?

Ted, I told you. The
nominations aren't in yet.

Oh, yes, they are.

[Sue Ann] They are?
About five minutes ago.

- How'd we do? Was my name on it?
- You don't wanna really know.

Come on. We wanna know.
Of course we wanna know!

Well, it would just distract
you from your work if I told you.

Mr. Grant! Who's working?

Lou, if you don't use your lips for
talking, I'll use them for something else.

Well, well.

Lou, give it to me
straight. Tell me flat out.

Either, "Ted, you are nominated,"
or, "Ted, I haven't heard yet."

The fact is that, uh,
we were all nominated.

[Laughs] What? How
could we be all nominated?

I know, Mary. I'm as
amazed as you are.

Let's face it. This is not
an award-winning operation.

But that one special we did
on the hospital crisis was terrific.

And it swept the boards.
You and me as producers.

Ted as narrator. Murray
as writer. Hey, hey!

Oh, boy. How
about that? [Laughs]

Isn't that great?

[Clears Throat]

Oh, yeah. And Sue
Ann got one too...

for something
about foul cooking.

Cooking fowl.

Yeah.

One of my best.

That was the one with the
segment, "A Capon Needs Love Too."

Yes. And "Surprise Your
Guests with a Christmas Goose."

You remember!

Isn't that terrific?
We're all nominated.

Yeah, it's really great for you, guys,
but I don't think it means much for me.

I've been nominated before, but I
never win. I don't think I'll ever win.

Murr, come on. Don't
talk like that. That's just...

Realistic.

I admire you for it, Murray.
You know your limitations.

You're hardworking but mediocre.

Mary, can I see you in my
dressing room for a moment?

Yeah, sure.

Mary, dear, I heard
you were in charge...

of the entertainment portion of
the Teddy Awards show this year.

Yeah. Oh, I wish I could
have helped you out.

I used to do a wonderfully
artistic dance at private parties.

But unfortunately, I don't
have my costume anymore. Oh?

Her snake died.

He died happy.

You wanted to see me, Ted? Uh, yeah.
I understand you're looking for talent.

Talent?

You are in charge of the Teddy
Awards show, aren't you? Yes. Yes, I am.

What's this I hear about a show?
Yeah, well, I tried to get out of it.

I don't want my newsroom
turned into a vaudeville stage.

It won't. It won't. I just have
to locate a couple of acts.

You got all the talent you're
looking for right here, Mary.

- What do you do?
- Name it... comedy,
impressions, ventriloquism.

Ventriloquism? That's right.
I'm a trained ventriloquist.

I brought the book.

I'll, uh, demonstrate it for you
if, uh, you'll assist me, Mary.

Assist you? What
do you mean? Yeah.

Well, it's very simple.
Just sit on my knee.

Forget it.

Come on, Mary.

It's all in fun. Show what
a good sport you are.

No. I'm not gonna
sit on his knee.

Well, what's the
matter? Is it beneath you?

I mean, you feel you're too
dignified, too important? Is that it?

Come to think of it, Lou, you'd make a
better dummy. You're shorter than she is.

Attaboy. [Laughs]

Takes a big man to sit
on another man's lap.

Okay, all you gotta do
is open your mouth...

when I squeeze
your neck like this.

It's really very good.

Hurry up, Ted!
Shh. I do the talking.

You just open your mouth
when I squeeze your neck.

Okay.

Hi, boys and girls. This
is my friend Screwy Louie.

Louie, how is school these days?

[High-pitched] Okay.
My teacher is cross-eyed.

[Normal] Your
teacher is cross-eyed?

[High-pitched] Yes. She
can't control her pupils.

Oh, Ted, that's just
marvelous. No, wait, wait.

That's not my big finish.

The high point of
every ventriloquist act...

is drinking a glass of water
and singing at the same time.

That's in the book.

You drink this, Lou.

[High-pitched] ♪ Yankee
Doodle went to town ♪

Hi, Mary. Georgette, hi.

I just had coffee with Ted, and I
thought I'd stop by to say hello.

- Oh, good.
- Thanks for treating,
Teddy bear.

Oh, what the heck. I
can't take it with me.

How are you coming with the entertainment
for the Teddy Awards show, Mary?

Oh, not so good, Georgette. They want
musical acts, and they're so hard to find.

I don't know if
you'd be interested,

but I've studied dancing
ever since I was little.

I never danced professionally,
but I have a little act...

I worked up for a
charity benefit last year.

Oh. Really? I didn't
know you danced.

What, uh, kind of
dancing do you do?

A little of everything. I'd be happy
to audition for you if you'd like me to.

Well, sure, Georgette.
I'd love to see you dance.

Oh, isn't it wonderful,
Teddy bear?

Mary's gonna audition me, and maybe
I'll get to dance at the awards show.

Oh, I'm so excited. I'm gonna go
right home and limber up my gams.

[Chuckling] That's...
That's wonderful, Georgette.

[Chuckles] Are you crazy?

What?

I don't want Georgette dancing
on your show. You understand?

She won't dance. Don't ask her.

Why not?

Because she's no good.
She has no talent, Mary.

Besides, I don't want my wife, Mrs. Ted
Baxter, making a fool of herself in public.

Ted, why do you always
assume the worst about everyone?

Why do you delight
in saying Georgette's

gonna be lousy and
that Murray's gonna lose?

It's for their own good, Mary.
I'm only thinking of them.

I say it because I
love and respect them.

He's a loser, and she stinks.

Can I see you for a second?

Yeah, sure.

What is it, Mr. Grant?

I just wanted to tell you
not to... worry about Murray.

Well, I can't help it. I mean, it's bad
enough that Murray's gonna lose...

without having Ted come...

Oh, ho, ho. You know something.

[Murmurs] Don't you? And it's
about the awards show, isn't it?

That's what it is. Is that
what it is, Mr. Grant? Tell me.

Mary, Mary. Calm down.
All right, all right. I'm calm.

But it is about the awards
and it is about Murray, isn't it?

Okay, but this is
absolutely confidential.

Okay. Yes, yes.

A friend I have on the nominating
committee... Right, right.

Told me in strict
confidence... Yes, okay.

That this year... this year...

Murray's gonna win.

Oh, Mr. Grant! [Laughs]

That is just sensational!

Murray's gonna win!

- But remember, it's top secret.
- Yes, right, I know.

Mr. Grant, that's gonna
be so hard to hide.

I mean, when I know a secret, my face just
lights up. He's gonna guess right away.

Uh-uh, Mary. We
don't want that, do we?

No. Wipe that
smile off your face.

- How can I?
- Think about death.

- [Laughs]
- All right, all right.

Think about pestilence,
and, uh, plague...

and war and rot...

and slime and putrid glop...

All right, all right.
I'm under control.

Yeah, good. [Knocking]

Yeah? Excuse me.
Mary, you got a phone call.

I have a phone call?

Murr, that's just
great! Just wonderful!

[Murmurs]

Hey, uh, what is
she so happy about?

Oh, well, we were just talking
about the awards dinner,

how we're gonna have
a great time this year.

We'll all get a table together... a big
table like we always do... and have a ball.

Yeah, well, I don't
think I'm going.

Not going? Why
not? Oh, hey, Lou.

Look, it's pretty embarrassing to
sit there and lose year after year.

Hey, Murray, come on...
I mean, why kid myself?

The competition is just too
good. So, I'm just gonna let it pass.

Murray. Murray,
come here. Come here.

I-I... I didn't
wanna tell you this,

but I got the word from
a guy on the committee.

You're gonna win. This
guy says it's a sure thing.

I'm... I'm gonna wi... Lou,
I can't even say the word.

Win. Win!

Yeah. I'm gonna win!

I gave it away, didn't I?

[Knocking] Yeah?

Mr. Grant, excuse me.

I know you're sick of the
subject of the awards show,

but I've run out of talent,
and I've tried everybody.

And I... I was just wondering
whether or not... [Clears Throat]

you would think
that it was right...

Um, well, ethical...

For me to, uh, put
myself into the, uh, show?

You? Doing what?

Uh, singing.

It all depends.
How good are you?

Well, good. Uh,
pr-pr-pretty good.

Uh-huh.

Fair. I don't know. It's
hard to be objective.

Well, I'm objective.
Sing for me.

Well, uh, uh... Gee, I don't
know. It'd be my pleasure, Mary.

Yeah, well, see, I
just... You know...

What selection were
you planning to warble?

Um, "One For My Baby."

"One For My Baby." Harold Arlen.

Ah, great song.

Sexy, torchy. Yeah.

Wrenched from the guts of
a woman who's really lived.

I'd really enjoy hearing
you belt out that one.

Well, I... I really should have
a piano. Don't need a piano.

Well, it would be better with a
microphone. You don't need a microphone.

It would be better... It'd be better
with Peggy Lee, but let's hear it anyhow.

- Mr. Grant...
- Sing!

[Unconvincingly] ♪
It's quarter to three ♪

♪ There's no one in the place ♪

♪ Except you and me ♪

Attagirl. Really sell it.

♪ So set them up, Joe ♪

♪ I've got a little story ♪

♪ You oughta know ♪

Tell 'em, baby.

♪ We're drinking, my friend ♪

Tell 'em. ♪ To the end ♪

♪ Of a brief episode ♪

Tear my heart out, Mary.

♪ So make it one for my baby ♪

♪ And one more for ♪

[Warbling] ♪ The road ♪

Sing it out!

♪ That long ♪

♪ Long ♪

[Weakly] ♪ Road ♪♪

Well, what did you
think? [Clears Throat]

[Laughing]

Why-Why are you laughing?

Mary, Mary, Mary!

[Laughing]

You really had me going there.

And I nearly fell for it.

Aw, you kidder, you.

You actually had me
believing for a second there...

that you were gonna get up and
sing like that for an audience. [Laughs]

You put me on, and
I bought it! I bought it!

Ooh-hoo! [Sighs]

[High-pitched] ♪
It's quarter to three ♪

♪ There's no one in the place ♪

♪ Except you and me ♪

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy!

That is beautiful!
That's beautiful.

Well, I just thought you could
use a good laugh. [Laughs]

The nominations in the field
of daytime programming are:

Uncle Bob Burnbaum,
"Toddler's Tepee";

Jack O'Shea, "Fib
Your Way to Fortune";

and Sue Ann Nivens,
"Cooking Fowl."

And the winner is
Sue Ann Nivens.

♪♪ [Orchestra: Flourish]

This has been some
evening for WJM.

First Mary and Lou win, then
Ted, and now Sue Ann. [Laughs]

Oh, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

I really don't deserve
your lovely tribute.

The real credit...
should go to Tom...

An 18-pound butterball turkey...

who gave his life so that I
might stand here tonight...

and say thank you.

♪♪ [Orchestra] [Applause]

Hey, Mary, I think the entertainment
is just sensational tonight.

- Thank you, Murr.
- You haven't
seen Georgette yet.

[Emcee] And now before we
present the award for newswriting,

we have one final treat from
our entertainment committee.

Oh, Murray. No, I
can wait. I can wait.

Here's the wife of one of
tonight's winners, Georgette Baxter,

to ask the musical
question, "Steam Heat."

♪♪ [Up-tempo]

♪ Yeah I got ♪

♪ Steam heat I got ♪

♪ Steam heat I got ♪

♪ Steam heat But I need your
love to keep away the cold ♪

♪ I got ♪

♪ S-S-Steam heat I got ♪

♪ S-S-Steam heat I got ♪

♪ S-S-Steam heat But I can't get
warm without your hand to hold ♪

♪ The radiator's hissin'
Still, I need your kissin' ♪

♪ To keep me from
freezing each night ♪

♪ I got a hot water bottle ♪

♪ But nothing I got'll take the
place of you holding me tight ♪

♪ I got s-s-steam heat ♪

♪ I got s-s-steam heat ♪

♪ I got s-s-steam heat ♪

♪ But I need your love ♪

♪ To keep away ♪

♪ The ♪
♪♪ [Drum Break]

♪♪ [Orchestra Resumes]

♪♪ [Ends] [Applause]

[Cheering, Shouting]

♪♪ [Orchestra Resumes]

♪♪ [Ends]

Mary, I told you. She bombed.

And now the nominees
for newswriting are:

Murray Slaughter, Channel 12;

Mike Armstrong, Channel 11;

and Barbara Chase, Channel 9.

- You're gonna read your speech?
- I'm not good at memorizing.

And the winner
is... Mike Armstrong.

♪♪ [Orchestra: Flourish]

- Thank you.
- [Emcee] The winner is Mike Armstrong.

What was that? The
winner is Mike Armstrong.

Oh, uh... [Clears Throat]

Well, uh, Mike Armstrong,

uh, couldn't be here...

tonight, so he asked me to...

Well, Mike Armstrong!

Uh, nice to see you
out of the sick bed.

Uh, congratulations. Isn't it
great that he's here, everybody?

And, uh, I-I just...

I think everything is terrific.

Mr. Grant, what happened?

Did you talk to your friend?

Yeah. He said he was sorry.

Somebody told him in confidence,
and obviously it was a mistake.

And since he told me in confidence,
he was sure I wouldn't tell anyone else,

so there was no harm done.

Georgette, your dance
was just sensational.

Oh, thank you, Marie.

I apologize, Marie. I'm
sorry you had to see that.

Ted. What?

A lot of people came back afterwards
and told me I was really good.

And they seem to have meant it.

Apparently, the reason you don't
think so is because you feel threatened...

by my doing something
well without you.

So now that we understand
it, let's just drop the subject,

or tonight in bed you can play
connect the dots with your own freckles.

Oh, thank you, Murray, dear.

Wasn't it a glorious night?

Except, of course,
for you, dear.

Hey, come on. You know, you
people are really embarrassing me.

The awards are over.
I lost, but you won,

so I think we should
celebrate, so let's celebrate.

To the winners...

Mary, Lou, Ted and Sue Ann.

Don't leave
yourself out, Murray.

Here's to the loser.

[Sighs]

I would like to hear
Murray's acceptance speech.

What? [Chuckles]

Come on, Marie. I think that's
a little inappropriate, don't you?

No, I think it's
very appropriate.

You read it to me last night,
and I'd like everybody to hear it.

Honey, please? It'll
make you feel better.

[Lou] Come on, Murray.
Please. Let's hear it, Murray.

Well, if, uh... if you'd
really like to hear it.

[Clears Throat]

"Awards are nice, of course.

"But the main reason
I'm glad I won is that...

"somehow it's only
at a time like this...

"that you get to tell the
people you work with...

"what you think about them...

and I'd like to do that now."

Lou Grant,

there's not a man alive
that I have more respect for...

or whose respect
means more to me.

Mary Richards,

you do the impossible every day.

You make people forget
how beautiful you look...

because they're too busy
realizing how beautiful you are.

And now the hardest one.

Ted Baxter.

I said a lot of things to
you in the newsroom, Ted,

but there's one
thing I've never said...

I'd miss you if
you weren't there.

You're filled with joy,
love and wonder...

and... I like you.

[Crying]

Oh, Lord, Murray! Why
didn't you win that award!

It's okay, Ted. I don't mind.

Well, I do. If you hadn't blown it, the
whole world would hear how nice I am.

[Mews]