Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 7, Episode 1 - Mary Midwife - full transcript

With Sue Ann's assistance, Mary has just produced a television special on obesity and healthy eating. It gets Mary thinking that Lou needs to lose some weight. He doesn't take too kindly to Mary's advice, he who fights back in whatever way he can. Meanwhile, Sue Ann decides to host a party at Mary's place the following evening to watch the television special with all their newsroom friends. Mary doesn't invite Ted and Georgette since Georgette is almost due and believes they would rather stay at home. But Georgette feels the need to go out and not be cooped up at home any longer. After Georgette gets her first contraction during the dinner portion of the party, three issues get equal play in what is turning out to be another disastrous Mary party: the television special itself, Mary and Lou's feud about his weight, and whether Georgette's contractions will be far enough apart that both she and Ted can enjoy themselves at the party instead of rush off to the hospital. In part due to a faulty stopwatch, one of those issues overtakes the other two in focus by the end of the party, but not quite the way anyone would have envisioned.

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Sue Ann, it's your own fault.

I ask you to demonstrate
low-calorie cooking...

on a show dealing with the dangers of
overweight, and this is what you bring me?

Mary, dear, this is
low-calorie cooking.

These éclairs are
only 740 calories.

Anybody else's are 750.

But I have a little secret.

I water my vanilla.

The point is, Mary, I
don't enjoy being insulted...

At least not on camera.
Sue Ann was insulted?

What did they get you on... your
personality, your morality or your age?

If you really want an answer,

I could write it
backwards on your head,

and you could read it in a
mirror when you get home.

Mary, what happened?

Well, the doctor who was
being interviewed on the show...

got really upset when he
saw what Sue Ann had baked.

He started talking about
how those things contain...

these little fatty
cholesterol balls...

that can clog the arteries
and block the flow of blood.

I mean, he said that kind
of cooking can kill a person.

Hey, Ted, have a pastry.

Are you kidding? After
what that doctor said?

I'm not putting any
more fat on my body.

Well, I wouldn't worry, Ted. It
all goes to your head anyway.

- Hey, Ted, how's Georgette?
- She's on her way over now,

after she stops
by at the doctor.

Oh, that's right. She's
almost due, isn't she?

She better be.

You know, during the last few
months of pregnancy, you can't even...

Yeah, yeah. Right.

Of course, the doctor doesn't say
you can't, but he does suggest...

Yeah, right. I know.

Boy, no wonder those
monks pray so much.

Oh, Murr. Huh?

Sue Ann suggested
that we all get together

for dinner and watch
the show tomorrow night.

- Well, that's very nice of her.
- Not really. She's inviting
everyone to my place.

Oh. Well, I'll check
with Marie. Good.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Georgette.

How are you feeling? Stuffed.

I know it's one of life's
great experiences...

to carry another human
being inside of you,

but I've been doing it for
nearly nine months now,

and I wish the little bozo
would get off the stick.

Hi, honey. Hi, Teddy.

Well, what's it gonna
be? Any guesses?

Well, whatever it is, we're
prepared. We're attending classes.

- Sit down, sweetheart.
- That's right.

Ted wants to participate
in the whole thing. Ah.

Look. I got this for when Georgette
goes into labor. It's a stopwatch.

It's for counting and
timing the contractions.

This is a lot of fun, Murray.
You can time anything with this.

Try it. Okay.

Uh, I'm gonna see how long it takes
before you say something stupid.

Is that an insult?
Three seconds.

Not bad.

Hi, Georgette. How
ya feeling? Fine, Lou.

Hey! This looks
interesting. Yeah.

Somebody watered the vanilla.

Uh, Mary, Marie's got a
committee meeting tomorrow night...

and she just can't get away, so
I'll be coming by myself. Okay.

Come where? Oh, Mary's throwing a
party so we can all watch her special.

- What time do you
want us to be there?
- Uh, well, listen...

I'd... I'd love to have
both of you, but I imagine,

you know, with the baby almost due,
you probably don't wanna make any plans.

Oh, that's not true, Mary.

It could happen now, or
it could take three weeks,

so please let us come.

It's either your party
or another evening...

of listening to Ted talk
baby talk to my stomach.

Well, okay. Terrific.

So, Mary, I'll see you
tomorrow night then. Okay, good.

Bye, Teddy bear. Bye, Georgette.


Hey, Murr. Yeah?

What do you say you and I
have an early lunch today?

Oh, sure, Lou. Sure. Boy!

These are so good.


Murr, do you think Mr. Grant's
been putting on a little weight lately?

- I don't know. Why?
- That doctor just
has me upset,

the way he kept talking about
how unhealthy it is to be overweight.

Mary, you can't talk to Lou
about his weight problem.

I mean, you know how sensitive
he is about his appearance.

Remember the time you told
him his tie was too narrow?

He ripped it off
and threw it at you.

Now you're gonna tell him that
there's something wrong with his body?

Murr, I am not afraid to
tell him what's on my mind.

Mr. Grant? What is it, Mary?

Nice tie.

Yeah? Why, thank you very much.

Mr. Grant, I know this is
probably none of my business,

but when I saw you take those
chocolate éclairs, I had to come in here.

Oh! Oh, you want a bite?

No. No, thank you.

What's the matter?
It's delicious.

No, I'm sure. I just... I don't
care for any right now. Oh.

It's, uh... It's not because I took
a bite out of it? No, no, Mr. Grant.

I just don't want any. Really,
what I wanted to talk to you about...

If you offered me a bite, I'd take
one. Yeah. I'm sure you would.

Mr. Grant, do we really have
to keep talking about his?

You know, when
somebody turns down...

a good, homemade éclair,

there's gotta be a good reason.

Now, for example, one
reason might be... Okay, okay.

You didn't have to
take such a big bite.

What'd you want
to talk to me about?

You come in here to eat or talk?

Mr. Grant, would you sit down?

We did a show today on how
unhealthy it is to be overweight.

Terrific. Terrific.

There's a lot of people walkin' around
out there with too much blubber on 'em.

Good. I'm really glad to hear
you feel that way, Mr. Grant,

because don't you think
that people who care...

about those overweight
people should tell them?

Not necessarily.

How come not necessarily?

Because I'm beginning
to catch on. That's why.

- Do you think I'm fat, Mary?
- Oh, Mr. Grant.

See? There you go. You always
use a harsh word when I don't want to,

when, actually, I
wanna, you know, use a...

But any word you'd
use would mean fat.

Well, I guess you'd take
it that way. Mm-hmm.

Mary, I'd rather you
didn't tell me that I was fat.

Well, I think we've already
gone past that, Mr. Grant.

I think that I already
have sort of said that...

No, no, no. Not yet. Not yet.

We can always go back.

You can walk out that door.

We could both pretend that you just came
in here for a bite of my chocolate éclair.

We can still remain friends.

Be smart. Let's pretend.

Mr. Grant, I can't. You've
got to lose some weight.

Well, you did it.
You called me fat.

What do you think... That
I don't have any feelings?

Huh? You think I don't care about my
appearance? Huh? Is that what you think?

How would you like it if I insulted
you, huh? Mr. Grant, I am not...

If I started discussing your
faults? I'm just trying to help you.

Great! But first, let me help
you with some of your faults.

Would you please sit down, Mary?

Don't look so confused.

You think you don't
have any faults,

Mary "chipmunk cheeks"?

Please don't do this. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Mary "no faults." Huh?

Every little strand in place.

Huh? Let's all go on a
self-improvement kick.

Huh? What do you say?

I'll lose some weight,
and you lose some teeth.

You must have 50 or 60 of them.

Are you quite
finished, Mr. Grant?


Well, apparently, Mr. Grant,
you seem to have felt...

some need to hurt me
because I'm trying to help you.

Well, I won't respond
by insulting you.

I am simply going to
try to bear in mind...

that some people, when hurt,

say things they
can't possibly mean.

Oh, I really hate it
when you get classy.

How very unfortunate.

I am not fat.

You are too. Okay.

I'll do what you want. I'll do
without food or drink. Nothing.

No food or drink.
No, that's just silly.

Satisfied? Huh?
Starting today, I fast.

Nothing. Is that it?
Anything else? No.


I also came in here to invite
you to dinner tomorrow night.

How ya doin', Georgette?
Pretty good, Murray.

But I'm getting tired of getting
kicked in the stomach by a stranger.

Indian women are smart.

They carry them on
their back, you know.

Hang in there.
Dinner's almost ready.

Hi. Hiya, Lou. Ah. Mr. Grant.

Am I late? No, no. We're
just about to have dinner.

Well, I'll just sit and
watch you thin folks eat.

Mr. Grant, please don't
start that again. Please.

You see, Mary thinks
I should lose weight.

Oh, nonsense, Lou.

You body's perfect.
I wouldn't touch it.

If I did, I wouldn't stop.

Well, Mary thinks...

- Dinner is served.
- Oh, great.

- You gonna keep this up
all night?
- Of course not, Mary.

Good. You ought to
know better than that.

Fat people are jolly.

Boy, doesn't this look good.

Oh, look at all that. Whoo-hoo!

Hey, Mary, tell me.

Do you think a
single raw carrot...

would put any
more ugly fat on me?

Not if you stuck
it in your nose.

- What did you say, Mary?
- Nothing. I said nothing.

You see, fat people sometimes
have hearing problems.

Oh, Mr. Grant, will you stop?

Mary, are you trying to
tell me not to... Excuse me.

I hate to interrupt, and I
don't mean to spoil your fun...

And it's certainly no
comment on the dinner,

because it's delicious and you'll have
to give me your recipe some time, Mary...

But right now I think
I'm going to have a baby.

Georgette, I think you should
sit down. Dinner's gonna get cold.

Hold it!

Hold it. I'll handle this.

Everybody sit
down. Sit, sit, sit.


I've been trained
for just this moment.

The first thing to
do is to be calm.

Everybody, don't lose
your heads. No panic. Okay?

Now, sweetheart, tell me
what your symptoms are, okay?

Ted, don't you think we should call a
doctor? Shouldn't we do something?

Mary, I don't want to slap you.

Now, we need absolute calm.

Okay? Keep a hold
of yourself, all right?

- I'm sorry, Ted.
- All right, Georgette,

just tell me what
your symptoms are.

It's okay now. It
stopped. It went away.

But for a second, it was like
my stomach got very pushed out,

and someone had tied
a belt around it real tight.

Oh, I had that, but
Mary explained it to me.

You just don't quit, do you?

All right, let's see.

Stomach pushed out,
belt tight, went away.

Got it.

I'll call Dr. Morton and report
my preliminary findings, okay?

Mary, would you mind if I
got a breath of fresh air?

No, no. Come
on. I'll go with you.

I'm sorry to ruin everybody's
evening. You're not. Come on.

Well, I'm having
a wonderful time.

I never realized the last stage of
pregnancy could be so stimulating...

Almost as
stimulating as the first.

You know, I helped deliver
a baby once... in the war.

We were under fire in a small
farmhouse in the south of France.

A local girl went into labor.

We had a medic with us, but he
was just a kid and plenty nervous.

But he did the job.

He stretched her
out on the straw,

with her head resting
on a big cheese.

I helped him, and she was so grateful
she wanted to give us something.

But all the poor girl had was eight gross
of nylons and a thousand Hershey Bars.

There now. I feel much
better. Thank you, everybody.

Aw, well, if you start
feeling sick again, dear,

just put your head down
between your knees.

It's okay. There's no rush.

The doctor says this
could drag on for days.

Apparently, he's
been to Mary's parties.

You see, contractions
can start or stop,

especially with a first child.

Don't you worry. He and I
are watching it very closely.

See, when your contractions
get down to 10 minutes apart,

then it's time to
go to the hospital.

Well, wouldn't it better to time
the contractions while lying down?

Thanks, Mary, but
I'm liable to fall asleep.

Really, I feel fine,

so, everybody, let's just ignore
me and go on with the meal.

Please. You're embarrassing me.

If you let me ruin this
party, I'll feel terrible.

Let's just go back and
start up where we were.

Well, okay. Uh, let's see... Uh...
What were we talking about?

Don't ask me.

You see, fat people
sometimes have poor memories.

Oh, will you stop it, Mr. Grant?

There. That's more like it.

Come on, everybody.
It's almost 9:00.

Mary, there is something
wrong with your picture.

- Try the horizontal hold.
- Oh, later, Lou.

First let me fix the TV.

Well, she's fine. Just resting.

Contractions still 20
minutes apart. No change.

Look, I don't want to
sound self-centered,

but my show is about to come on.

- Ted, are you saying
they're 20 minutes apart?
- Yeah. Right.

- Are you sure?
- Sure am.

Well, how many have there
been altogether, Ted? Ten.

Well, if there've been 10, how
could they be 20 minutes apart...

when we've only
been here an hour?

Well, let's see. Ten
goes into 60... Oh.


And I... I paid a buck
and a half for this thing.

Teddy, I don't feel so good. I
think I should go to the hospital.

Do you want me to drive you?

Ted, you better get
her to the hospital.

Keep calm. Everybody keep calm.

First, I'll call the doctor
and tell him to meet us there.

No, no, Ted. We'll
call the doctor,

and you get her to the
hospital now. Oh, Mary?

I think it's too late for that.
Things have already started.


You mean the baby? Here? Now?

Oh, no, don't. Don't,
Georgette, please.

Please! Please don't,
Georgette. Not now.

Ted? It's the doctor.

Oh. I'm sorry. I forgot
my training for a moment.

Don't worry, Georgette.
Everything's gonna be fine.

That's right, and we're
right here with you.

So you're going to have a baby.

Therefore, there are certain
common-sense things...

that should be done when
someone's going to have a baby.

Like what?

The doctor says...

don't try to move her
when she's starting labor.

The hospital's too far.

Uh, put her to bed and
wait for him to get here.

I don't think he's
going to make it.

I don't think I am either.
Somebody do something!

I can't let Lou do it all alone.

Murray, go in there
with him! No, no, no, no.

All right, never mind,
never mind, never mind. I'll...

I'll go in there with him.

I'll do it myself.

Wait a minute. Uh, Mary...

Uh, you introduced me to
a good-looking young guy...

in the elevator a
couple of months ago.

Didn't he say he was
a doctor? Yes, he did.

But, Murray, I couldn't
tell you which apartment.

Third one down
the hall on the left.

I just happened to notice.
The commercial's on.

I'll go get him.

Murray, shouldn't
you go in there?

I mean, after all,
you've had children.

No, Marie had the children.

Look, I couldn't even
watch when we adopted one.

You go in there, Mary. No! Murray, a
delivery room is no place for a woman.

Somebody's gotta help me.

They're droppin'
like flies in there.

I wanted to help. I really
thought I could go through with it.

It's okay, Ted. It's
okay. You did just fine.

I'm sure Georgette appreciated
the knock-knock jokes.

Now, I'm gonna need
someone in there to help me.

You're not fat.
You're not. No, please.

Help me, Mary. Oh,
Mr. Grant, no. Please.

Yes, time is running
out. No, Mr. Grant.

Because something like
this calls for a woman.

Aw, no, it doesn't,
Mr. Grant. Yes, it does.

But I don't have
any experience. I do.

I do. I remember it all from
France, but I need a woman in there.

Okay, Mr. Grant,
I will. I'll try, but...

- No, you'll do fine.
- Lou? Lou?

Is there anything I can do? Yeah. See
if you can find me a great big cheese.

Sue Ann, where's the doctor?

The "doctor" is a
Ph.D. in economics.

However, he did suggest
we boil lots of water...

and set up a trust
fund for college.

This is the most frightening
moment of my life.

Why isn't Georgette
here when I need her?

Where's the doctor?
What's he doing?

- He's busy tonight, but we're
having dinner Friday.
- What?

She means the real doctor.
He's not here yet, Mar.

But it's happening. It's
happening. The ba... The baby.

Georgette... Oh, boy!

Oh, that's it.
That's it. That's it.

I've gotta help. I've
gotta... I've gotta go in there.

Steady! Steady. Steady, Ted.

Here... In the chair.

Oh, everything's going...

This is awful. I feel awful.

Why didn't somebody
warn me childbirth is hell?

Look, what are
we doing out here?

A woman is giving birth to
a baby in Mary's bedroom.

I know, and it's probably
the most exciting thing...

that'll ever happen in there.

I just wish there was
something we can do.

I mean, a baby is being
born in the next room,

and we're not doing anything
to help, taking any responsibility.

I do. I take full

Ted. Georgette's fine.

Oh! You're the proud daddy...

of a fine, beautiful,
healthy-looking baby.

Oh, thank goodness.

What is it? A boy or a girl?

Ted... Ted, that's
wonderful. Congratulations.

Congratulations? Yeah.

For what? For being a coward?

For leaving Georgette
in her hour of need?

She'll probably never
want to see my face again.


Your wife and daughter
would like to see you.


How... How do I look?

Like a father. - Gee.

What a sweet little girl.

I've never seen anything so
beautiful in my whole life. Mmm.

And you did it.

Oh, come on, Mary.

I did nothing that a competent
surgeon couldn't have done.

I really think you're
terrific, Lou Grant.

This is a very sweet
moment, Mary.

Yeah, it is. I can't
wait for it to end.

How are they,
doctor? They're fine.

I want to congratulate you both.
You must have done everything right.

May I use the phone?

Yes. It's right over
there. Thank you.

Hey, when did Murray and Sue
Ann leave? I never said good-bye.

Oh, well, I did. You sort of
had your hands full. Mmm.

Hey! I'm a daddy. I'm a daddy.

Have a cigarette.

No, thanks, Ted.

We're on our way
to the hospital now.

Oh, incidentally, Georgette
and I have been talking,

and we want to name
the baby Mary Lou.

Sorry, big fella, but "Lou
Mary" sounded dumb.

- Nice meeting you both.
- Thank you, Doctor.

Just a minute, please.

Thanks for the party, Mary.
We had a wonderful time.