Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 6, Episode 9 - Ted's Wedding - full transcript

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Morning, Mar. Morning, Murr.

Say, Murr, would you
do me a favor? Oh, sure.



Would you come to my place for brunch
on Saturday? Ah, gee, I'd love to, Mary.

But I gotta coach my
son's football team. Oh.

The other fathers
unanimously elected me coach...

one night when I was too
sick to attend the meeting.

Well, that's... that's too bad.

I'm gonna have Ted and
Georgette over. Oh, how come?

Well, Georgette was saying she feels kind
of badly about the way we always treat Ted.

You know, always making
him the butt of our jokes.

Nobody ever invites
him anywhere.

We never go to lunch with him. I mean,
sure, sometimes we invite him over,

but just because
we think we have to.

- And that's too bad, 'cause
Ted really isn't a bad guy.
- [Sighs]

Murr, if I have to spend all
afternoon with him, I'll go crazy.

Hi, public. Hi, Sue Ann.



I brought you copies of my new
book to save you fighting the crowds...

when it goes on sale at
bookstores everywhere.

Oh, my, my. Did you
write another book?

[Chuckles] I don't wonder
that you're amazed, Mary.

Sometimes I think I
drive myself too hard.

But there's so much to be
done, with so little... Talent.

So little time. After all, life
is so brief and impermanent.

Much like your hair.

So, a book on flower
arrangements, huh?

I've always been
fascinated by flowers.

I figure what's good enough for the
birds and bees is good enough for me.

[Chuckling] Right.

Sue Ann, are you busy
Saturday afternoon?

I'll be autographing copies of
my book at the House of Bloom.

Oh. What, do you have
a tie-in with a florist?

No. Actually,
Bloom is a butcher.

He and I were once
very close. [Chuckling]

Look here, Mary. I've
autographed, personally, each one.

I think that makes it more fun.

Aw. "To a shrinking violet...

who rose to be a
budding producer."

Oh, Sue Ann, that's
too cute for words. I...

I know. I tried to use a floral
motif for each of the inscriptions.

Oh. "To a fine writer whose
work I've always admired."

Well, thanks, Sue Ann. But
what's that got to do with flowers?

If you spread it on the
ground, it helps them grow.

Oh, Murray, do you
believe what I almost did?

I was ready to invite Sue
Ann to my brunch for Ted.

I must really be desperate.

Hi, guys. Hi, Ted.

Set your dials for excitement,
boys and girls. Guess what! What?

What? I just
proposed to Georgette.

- Oh, terrific.
- Oh, that's good.

What? You don't seem impressed.

Ted, you must have proposed to Georgette
a dozen times in the past six months.

And you even bought a license. She
always accepts. Then you try to back out.

And she lets you do it.

I know. Sometimes I
think that's why I love her.

Why do you propose if
you don't really mean it?

Oh, make her happy.

Good morning. Hey,
Lou. I got great news.

Some other time, Ted. I'm not
in the mood for mindless drivel.

Mary, you finish those expense
accounts yet? Yeah, just about.

How about a little
mindless drivel, Lou?

I'm sorry I bothered you.

[Sighs] You know
something, Mr. Grant? Hmm?

I don't think you should always,
just automatically put Ted down.

It's not always automatic, Mary.
Sometimes a lot of thought goes into it.

That's what I mean. We've
all gotten into that habit.

We just assume
the worst about Ted.

- We practically
tell him so to his face.
- So?

So? Mr. Grant, a person is
only as good as he thinks he is.

If we assume that Ted's going to
be dumb and vain and obnoxious,

then who's to blame if he is?

You're saying it's my fault
that Ted's a jackass? No.

Mr. Grant, that's
not what I'm saying.

What I'm trying to say is...

Well, never mind.
It's too complicated.

Too complicated? Come on, Mr. Grant.
You've got your budgets to go over.

I'm sure you don't want to get
into any psychological discussions.

No. No. That's all
right, Mary. Go ahead.

I mean, I may not be the
brightest guy in the world,

but, uh, once in a while, I do enjoy
a little intellectual conversation.

Well, all right. What I... what I
was going to say is that maybe...

You know, just maybe... we could do
ourselves a favor by encouraging Ted.

You know, instead of
always predicting failure.

I see.

Interesting.

What you're talking about is the theory
of the self-fulfilling prophecy, isn't it?

Oh, but... See, I didn't
know it was a whole theory.

Yeah. I assume Ted
will be stupid, so he is.

You assume I won't
like something, so I don't.

That's exactly it.

Yes, I thought it might be.

I believe some experiments were
done by a behavioral psychologist,

Dr. Roland Barbett,
in the late '50s...

that tend to support
that hypothesis.

Oh, Mr. Grant. I'm
just so glad that you

understand what I'm
trying to do here, you know?

I... I just think that if we
give Ted some support,

we assume that he is
going to be a normal person,

he will start behaving
like a normal person.

- Hmm.
- That's one of the reasons...

I'm gonna have him
over for brunch Saturday.

And I would really
like it if you'd come too.

How do you assume I'll answer
that invitation? What do you mean?

Well, I mean you make certain
assumptions about me too, don't you?

Certain self-fulfilling
prophecies?

Well, yeah. But I... No,
that's not the same thing...

So how do you assume I'll
answer that invitation, Mary?

Well, I guess I assume
that you'll say "no."

[Chuckling] Well, there you are.

Personally, I'd
love to have come.

I probably would have
had the time of my life.

But your previous assumption
made it impossible for me to come.

My hands are tied. You do
see that, don't you, Mary?

This is just wonderful, Mary.
[Chuckles] Thank you, Georgette.

And I love the wine. It's
one of my favorite kinds.

White.

Well, I'm... [Clears Throat]
really glad you could both come.

To tell you the truth, Mary, I can't
get over your inviting just the two of us.

Well, you know, sometimes
a small party is the nicest.

[Chuckling]

If it were anyone
else, it'd be boring.

Oh, yes.

- I love your dress, Georgette.
- Thank you.

Me too. You look
gorgeous, Georgette.

[Mouth Full] I love
you. Will you marry me?

You take cream in your
coffee, don't you, Ted?

Please, Mary. I'm in the middle
of a proposal to Georgette.

He likes it with lots of cream.

[Chuckling] Georgette, I just
asked you if you'd marry me.

And you take yours black? Right.

Hey, come on.

A man's proposing
marriage. Have some respect.

- Respect for what?
- For the proposal of marriage.

Ted, you proposed with
an onion roll in your mouth.

Mary, could Ted and I be alone for a few
minutes, please, before you fix dessert?

Georgette, you take
all the time you want.

[Door Closes]

Did I do something wrong?

Yes, Ted. You embarrassed me.

Mary is absolutely right.

I can't take these proposals seriously
anymore. It's just a game with you.

I really am a fool, aren't I?

Not really.

I mean, to have actually felt good
about all those preposterous proposals.

The one in the car
wash. The revolving door.

The time you spelled out "marry
me" with your socks on laundry day.

I'm starting to wonder if you've ever
been serious about wanting to marry me.

A man doesn't spell out things
with his socks unless he's serious.

Ted, if you really
wanted to marry me,

you wouldn't talk
about it, you'd do it.

Oh. I'd do it right
now if we could.

We can, Ted. We've
had the blood tests.

We have the license,
and it's still valid.

We can call and get
a minister over here.

We can call our friends and tell them to
come over here. What else do we need?

So what do you say, buster?
You still wanna get married?

Yes, I do.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Mary! Mary!

What? I'm gonna get
married. We're really doing it.

Georgette, that's... When?

What would you do if I told you
there's gonna be a minister over here...

with all our friends in the next
half hour to have a wedding?

Vacuum.

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant.
There'll be other basketball games.

Anyway, if you hurry, right after the
ceremony, you can get back to the bar.

You know, I feel good. I didn't
expect to be, but I feel good.

No, it doesn't matter how
you're dressed. Really.

No. Murray is coming straight
here from his son's football game.

Well, I don't know.
We were having brunch,

and, before we got to
dessert, Ted proposed.

Yeah, it's strictly a
spur-of-the-moment wedding.

Following a whirlwind courtship.

Okay, Mr. Grant. We'll
see you then. Bye-bye.

All right. That's it. That's
Sue Ann, Murray, Mr. Grant.

This is fun. I should've
done this long ago.

- When is the minister
getting here?
- He's out playing tennis.

But his wife said
she'd try to reach him.

Did you tell him
what it was for?

No, I just said it
was an emergency.

I wasn't sure he'd interrupt
his tennis game for a wedding.

Georgette, do you know who
we completely forgot? My mother.

Of course. We certainly
want her in our wedding.

[Chuckling] Sure.
She can give me away.

Sweet little blue-haired lady.

This is the call she's been
waiting for all these years.

This and the one from my
father's insurance company.

I'm really getting
excited. [Chuckles]

Hi, Mom!

Well, it's Ted.

Hey, Mom, guess what!
Georgette and I are getting married.

Today. This afternoon.

As soon as possible.

Of course she isn't. What
kind of a question is that?

Hey, Mom. Can
you come right over?

Oh. Well, then you
better take care of that.

Oh, sure. I understand.
Yeah, good-bye.

Mom can't make it. Why not?

She's gotta wash her hair.

That's all right. We
can save her a piece of

cake. We have a piece
of cake, don't we, Mary?

Ted, come on. The whole wedding was put
together in a half hour. [Doorbell Rings]

You can't expect too much
preparation on that kind of notice.

Mary, dear.

Divide them up... Divide them up
into a wedding bouquet, plus corsages.

Ted, here's your boutonniere.

And congratulations. You're
getting a wonderful girl.

Georgette, here's a
veil. And some invitations.

But you'll have to find
a more formal gown.

Mary, find her something. Ted,
would you mind putting that on ice?

Don't worry, Mary. I brought
rice to throw after the ceremony.

The cake can go
right over here. This is

just a little something
for the happy couple.

What are you people all standing
around with your thumbs up your noses for?

We've got to get this
show on the road. Move it!

Okay. Georgette, I'll find
you something to wear.

Does it have to be white?

Let's see. Married in
white, sailor's delight.

- No, that isn't it.
- Never mind.

Come on, Georgette.

Ted, put on that boutonniere, and try
to formalize your appearance a little.

After all... [Doorbell Rings]

a wedding isn't something
that happens every day.

Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's all right. You probably had
to go home and put on your good suit.

Do you have any preference about
what you want to wear, Georgette?

Well, I always dreamed of
being married in something old,

something new, something
borrowed and something blue.

But what the hell?
We're in a hurry.

The only thing I have that's long,
white and formal is a bathrobe.

That's all right, Mary. I don't need a
white dress. I'll just wear what I have on.

Right. What's wrong with plaid?

Nothing. It's Ted's
favorite color.

[Doorbell Rings]

[Glumly] Hi, Sue
Ann. Hello, Lou.

Lou, dear, uh, do
you think today...

might give you any
dangerous ideas about me?

Depends on how much
whiskey they have.

Why, you charmer.

There's not that much
booze in the world.

Ted, congratulations. Lou!

I'm gettin' married!
Thank you. [Murmuring]

You know something? I'm
happy. "I do." I'm happy. "I do."

You already hugged
me, Ted. I don't care.

I wanna shout for
joy. I'm a happy man.

Georgette, could I ask
you something? Sure, Mary.

Well, I know you. And
you've got a really level head.

I know you'd never do anything
you hadn't really thought about.

Y-You'd never
rush into anything.

I mean, you're... you're
certainly not impetuous.

Boy, I mean, that's one thing that I
could never say about you... is impetuous.

Mary, I know what
you're getting at.

And believe me, I
know how Ted can be.

Nobody knows that better
than I do. But I know how I feel.

You do love him then?

Of course, Mary.
Somebody has to.

Who's gonna be your best man?

Hey. [Chuckles] Hey.

Can I talk to you guys
for a second? Okay, okay.

Hi, Georgette. Hey,
Georgette, you look lovely.

Just think, Georgette. In 10 minutes,
you're gonna be Mrs. Ted Baxter.

And you're gonna
be Mr. Ted Baxter.

That's right.

It's gonna be a silly marriage.

Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?

There's only one way to do it.

I'm thinking of a
number from one to 10.

The one who comes closest to that
number gets to be my best man. Lou?

- Three.
- Murray?

795.

- I'm afraid
he's got you beat, Murr.
- Oh.

You dirty, rotten...
Now, now, Lou.

Nobody likes a sore winner.

My best man.

Okay, Ted. I'm... flattered.

What do you want me to do?
How about a bachelor party?

You're being
married in 15 minutes.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.
Forget about the party.

How about some advice?

What kind of advice?

Well, the old guy's
getting married. A bachelor.

How do you feel about
it? I feel good. I'm happy.

In fact I'm so happy
I'm trembling with joy.

Look! My knees are
happier than I am.

Ted, it's all right. Know what I
think, Lou? You know what I think?

I think I'm too happy.

You know what's happening? My
happiness is making me terrified.

Ted... It's too much, Lou.

I can't stand so much happiness.

Lou, please. Help me, Lou. Please,
help me... help me be less happy.

Ted, you want me to
give you some advice?

Huh? Please.

All right. Here's the most important
piece of advice I can give you.

If you're gonna get married,

you're gonna have to stop
acting the way you do. What way?

The way you act.

Ted, what I'm trying to say is...
[Sighs] You gotta become different.

Lou, I... I don't
think I understand.

Look. You know how
you always are? Yeah.

Don't be that way.

So much for flowers. What about music?
Mary, do you have something appropriate?

Well, no, Sue Ann. I don't have
a record of "The Wedding March."

You don't? I should've
brought mine.

Perhaps I can sing it
when the time comes.

Georgette, dear, what
about a maid of honor?

Well, I thought Mary.

Oh, Georgette, I'd be honored.

Ah, good idea, Georgette.

Your best friend...
And your oldest.

- What about a ring?
- [Mary] A ring?

Well, the only ring I have
is my high school class ring.

Would that be all right?

Well, certainly, dear.
It's just a symbol.

[Doorbell Rings] And it's
legal, because I graduated.

Miss Franklin, I'm
Reverend Chatfield.

I came as soon as
I got the message.

Thank you, Reverend. Come on in.

Sorry to trouble you, but
we want to get married.

Married?

I hope we didn't
spoil your game.

Well, no. But I'm a little embarrassed
at wearing this to perform a marriage.

And-And besides, I was just
ordained. I've... I've never done it.

Well, then it's appropriate
that you should wear white.

All right, everybody. Come here.

The minister's here. Let's get
these nuptials rolling. Move it!

Ah, I... I don't have my book, and
I really don't know all the words.

Well, maybe Lou and I can
help. We've both been married.

Well, that's very kind of you.

Okay, uh, bride on my
backhand, groom on my forehand.

Here we go, Ted. I'm
happy. I'm really happy.

Okay. All right.
Uh, maid of honor...

- Here. Yes.
- Good. And the, uh, best man.

Right. Oh. Uh...
Let's see. Um...

Oh, uh, does anybody know any
reason these people shouldn't be married?

I was afraid he
was gonna ask that.

Okeydokey. Um...

Dearly beloved, we are
gathered together here...

in the sight of God to, um,

join these people
in, uh... in, uh...

Long shot.

Does anybody remember
what comes next?

Well, at Rhoda's wedding, they each
read something they'd written themselves.

Oh, terrific.

Would you like to say something?

You mean wing it?

Just say what's
in your heart, Ted.

Oh, right.

Murray.

[Whispering, Indistinct]

Georgette, I promise...

To be a devoted husband...

And to never give
you cause... to regret...

Having married... such a cluck.

And, Ted,

I promise to try to
always make you happy.

Because you always
make me happy.

Good. That's nice.

Oh, back to me.

Uh... Uh...

Oh, gee, this is
very embarrassing.

Um, I think this is where
you ask each of them...

if they doth take the other one.

Gotcha.

Do you, uh...
Excuse me. What is...

Georgette. Thanks.

Do you, Georgette,
take this man...

to be your lawfully wedded
husband till death do you part?

- I do.
- And do you, um...

[Clearing Throat]
What about the ring?

Oh, she's right.
The ring. The r...

Kid, here's the ring.

Oh, thanks, Lou.

Why does it say "Class of '58"?

It's Mary's high school ring.

Oh-ho. Thanks a million, Mary.

If I buy Georgette a wedding
ring, I'll get this back to you.

Now, do you, um...
[All] Ted. Much obliged.

Do you, Ted, take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Splendid.

Then by the
authority vested in me,

I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

♪♪ [Humming "The Wedding March"]

♪♪ [Continues]

Sue Ann, that's enough.

Okay. Catch!

But, you know, I
can't get over it. I...

I just say a few words,
and you're married.

I can marry people.
Son of a gun. It's a kick.

Reverend, the license is over
there for you to sign. Oh, fine.

Ted, you're supposed to
take care of the reverend.

Oh, yeah. [Clears Throat]

Reverend, uh, about the fee.

Oh, yes, thank you very much.

This is my first wedding. I don't even
know what the fee is supposed to be.

Five dollars.

Good-bye, everybody.
[Mary] Good-bye.

Hey, what the heck? How
often does a guy get married?

Here's another buck.

Oh, happiness and
best wishes to you both.

It was a lovely ceremony,
if I do say so myself.

Well.

Well? Well.

What's for dessert?

[Mews]