Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 6, Episode 15 - What Do You Want to Do When You Produce? - full transcript

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

[Doorbell Rings] Who is it?

It's Sue Ann, dear. Come on in.



- Are you busy?
- No, no. I was just fixing
myself something to eat.

Oh, that's what I
smelled out in the hall.

I was afraid
someone's cat had died.

You go right ahead
and eat, dear.

No, no. That's all right. I'm not really
hungry anyway. What can I do for you?

Mary, I have a problem.

Harry Adams, the producer
of my show, quit without notice.

Why'd he leave? I don't know.

The fringe benefits alone are
enough to keep any man happy.

But I wouldn't worry
about it, Sue Ann.

I think you'll manage
to find a new producer.

After all, last year, you managed
to come up with seven of them.

Mary, don't you
know why I'm here?

- I've come to give you
your big chance.
- My big chance?



Sue Ann, you're not gonna
ask me to produce your show?

Why not? You'd be perfect.

You're a free-thinking,
independent, unshackled woman...

Exactly the kind of person
to jump when I whistle.

Well, I'm very, very flattered, Sue
Ann, but I already am a producer.

[Chuckling] Oh, are you really?

Oh, Mary.

As long as Lou is in
charge of that newsroom,

you'll never really
be a producer.

Sue Ann, I am the producer.

I don't work for
him, I work with him,

and I think I can safely say that we
are just about equals, Mr. Grant and I.

Lou and I.

Anyway, my leaving the
newsroom is out of the question.

Dear, I am offering you what every
creative, artistic person needs...

A hundred clams more a week.

Thanks, Sue Ann, but I
really couldn't consider leaving.

Mary, do yourself
a favor. Sleep on it.

I don't have to. I really
don't. My mind's already...

Made up!

Are you sure? Think what it would
mean to do my show every week...

instead of working
in that newsroom.

No more deadline
pressure. I'm sure.

No more puny little
salary. I'm really sure.

No more long hours.
No, really. Positive.

No more Ted Baxter.
Okay, I'll sleep on it.

Good morning. Oh, hiya, Mar.

Sue Ann's been
looking for you. Oh, no.

- I've got bad news for her.
- What is it?

Did they decide not to build
the marine base outside of town?

Mary, I've gotta talk to you.

I've got a fantastic idea on
how to increase our ratings.

All right, Ted.
What is it this time?

Well, instead of doing the
news the way I do every night...

with just the cameraman
watching, Mm-hmm.

I'll do it in front
of a live audience!

Pretty exciting, huh?

Ted, I really don't see the
value in having a live audience.

I knew you were gonna say that, Mary, so
I'm prepared to show you how wrong you are.

I'm gonna prove
to you that it's more

exciting doing the news
with a live audience.

Okay. You guys ready?
Yeah. We're ready.

"And now repeating
today's headlines.

"Rising floodwaters threaten
cities surrounding the Mississippi,

"causing thousands to flee.

[Groaning] Oh.

"Penny Strickler gave
birth to quadruplets...

four beautiful,
bouncing baby girls!

Aw.

"Finally, in Oakland,
California, today,

"a man explained to police
that he shot himself in the foot...

"to take his mind
off his toothache.

[Forced Laughter]

That's it for the evening. This is Ted
Baxter saying good night and good news."

[Whistling]

Well, what do you think,
guys? [Mary, Murray Booing]

- You mean you're
not gonna do it?
- I don't think so. I'm sorry.

Boy, a guy tries his
best, works hard to come

up with a concept to
make the show different.

And this is the thanks
he gets. [Men] Aw.

Aw, shut up!

Good morning, newsmongers.

Hello. Hello, Sue Ann.

Mary, what have you
decided? Sue Ann,

flattered as I am, I've
decided to stay here.

Oh. What's this all about?

Sue Ann asked me
to produce her show.

I'm sorry, Sue Ann. You'll
just have to find someone else.

If there was anyone else, why in
the world would I be asking you?

Won't you reconsider? No, no.
Hard as you're making it for me, no.

- I'm going to stay right here.
- You sly devil.

I'll bet you're holding
out for more money.

No, really, it has
nothing to do with money.

I'm willing to go
another 50 bucks a week,

even though it does mean
digging into my own bra.

Talk about an inflated economy.

Sue Ann, $350 a
week is a lot of money,

but I have no intention
of leaving the newsroom.

This is the job I feel
I should be doing.

All right, Mary. I understand.

I want you to know there
are no hard feelings. Okay.

I admire your integrity.

And if you should ever change your
mind, don't hesitate to come crawling.

Thanks.

Uh, Sue Ann, uh, look, a crazy
idea just popped into my mind.

I hope you don't think
I'm being too forward.

You know that I've produced
a couple of documentaries.

I know my way around television
studios. So I was just wondering...

Are you saying you'd be interested
in the job I was just offering Mary?

I'm saying that, if you can't get
anybody, I wish you'd keep me in mind.

Why don't you kick
it around overnight?

I have other things I
kick around overnight.

Murray, I make quick decisions.

Besides, I'm desperate.
The job is yours.

Just like that? Well,
that's great, Sue Ann.

Uh, well, look. When
would you want me to start?

I need someone right away. Okay!

Look, I better go in and talk to Lou.
I'm sure we can work something out.

I can't believe this. I'm
gonna be a producer.

You know, Sue Ann,
I'm so happy I could...

I could... shake your hand.

I know this is gonna be the
beginning of a wonderful relationship.

We're two old friends who
understand and respect each other,

and I just know,
working as a team,

we should be able to put
on one heck of a good show.

You bet we will,
Sue Ann! Ms. Nivens.

[Laughing]

Oh, Mary. Hey, guess what.
I'm gonna be a producer.

Isn't that terrific? I'm
gonna work with Sue Ann.

Sue Ann? Yeah.
Isn't that fantastic?

Well, yeah, Murray, that's... that's
really great, but, uh, Sue Ann...

Oh, Mar, I know what you're
thinking, but Sue Ann's nothing like that.

I mean, deep inside...

there is a warm, sensitive,
understanding, compassionate human being.

Huh.

Besides, for 350 bucks a week,
I'd work for the Flying Wallendas.

[Lou] Come in.

Uh, can I talk to you for a second,
Lou? Sure. What's on your mind?

Uh, well, this is, uh, very
difficult to say. Mm-hmm.

How long have I been
here? About 10 seconds.

No, Lou, no. I mean
working in the newsroom.

Oh, let's see. I guess
it's, uh, eight years.

No, it's nine years, Lou. And that's
what I want to talk to you about. See...

No, no. You're
wrong. It's eight years.

I remember exactly, 'cause the
day when you started to work here...

was my daughter's
sweet 16 party.

Oh, yeah, it was her sweet 16
party, Lou, but it was nine years ago.

And that's what I want to talk to
you about. It can't be. She's only 24.

- No, she's gotta be 25.
- I'll settle this right now.

Lou, it's not important. Yes, it is. I
don't know how old my own daughter is.

[Chuckling] Hello,
honey. How old are you?

Eighty-seven?

Oh. Oh, yeah. Listen, I'm sorry,
lady. I dialed the wrong number.

Yeah. Right. I-I-I'm really
sorry. I'm really sorry.

But hang in there,
you hear? Okay.

Lou, Lou.

Forget how long I've been
working here. It doesn't matter.

I was just trying to find a
nice way of telling you...

what I have to tell you.

What's that, Murray?

Lou, I've got another job.
I'm gonna be a producer.

Really? Yeah.

Hey, that's terrific,
Murray. Congratulations!

Ah, thanks, Lou. Murray
Slaughter, producer of the news.

Well, it's not a news show,
Lou. Sports documentaries?

What? Sue Ann.

What? Sue Ann Nivens...
The Happy Homemaker.

What?

Lou, I know it's not the
greatest job in the world,

but it pays more than I'll
ever make as a news writer.

And, Lou, Lou, I need the money.

Well. Mmm.

Look, Murray, I
understand. I understand.

You don't have to explain
to me. Thanks, Lou.

And you wanna
know something else?

I think you're gonna make
a darn good producer.

A darn good one.

Sue Ann, huh? Yeah.

She wants me to start
as soon as possible,

so I thought I could do both
jobs until you find my replacement.

Ah, we'll never replace you.

You're what made
this operation tick.

But don't worry. Don't
worry. We'll manage.

Come on. Let's
drink to your new job.

To Murray Slaughter,
the producer.

♪ Da-dum, da-dum ♪

- Sue Ann?
- Mm-hmm.

Nivens?

And we managed to get an
on-the-spot report of the raid...

of that porno theater downtown,
which we can use on the news tonight.

Terrific. How'd
you do that? Luck.

Some of our crew just happened
to be in the theater at the time.

Well, I just said good-bye
to the guys in the studio,

so I guess this is it.

Hey, look, you're
only gonna be upstairs.

- We'll still see each other
every day, right?
- Right.

Aw, Murr, I'm gonna miss you.

Me too, Mary. So long, Mary.

Aw, so long, Murr.

So long, Ted. So long,
Murray. Have a nice lunch.

Ted, Murray's not leaving for
lunch. He's leaving for good.

What do you mean leaving?
Who's gonna write my show?

Well, John will.

Oh, no, no. I don't want anybody
writing my show except Murray.

You have nothing to worry about,
Ted. John is a very good writer.

I don't care. You know my
style. You know how I... Mary.

Listen, I'm the star of the show,
and I want Murray to stay here.

Ted, Murray's been offered
a job at a lot more money.

Is that what it is? Is that the problem?
Why don't you give him a raise?

Murray's the best darned news writer in
the business, and I want him on my show.

I'm not gonna let the quality of my show
suffer because of a few bucks a week!

Ted, there's no money
in the budget for a raise.

The only way we can give Murray
a raise is to take it out of your salary.

Don't be a stranger.

And so, until tomorrow,

this is your happy
homemaker reminding you...

that a woman who does
a good job in the kitchen...

is sure to reap her rewards
in other parts of the house.

Okay, guys. Take a
one-hour lunch break.

That was a great, great dress
rehearsal, Sue Ann. Thank you, Murray.

You may be new at producing, but I
can tell you're gonna do a wonderful job.

Would you be a dear and tell Charlie
to watch where he puts his cigar?

I just opened the bread box, and
one of my ladyfingers was smoking.

Okay. And then I want to tell you
some new ideas I have for the show.

Oh, good, Murray. I
always love to try new things.

As a matter of fact, I'm trying one
this afternoon, and you can help me.

It's a seafood soiree,

and I need someone to
open those cans of sardines.

What, you want me
to open sardine cans?

Well, the prop man
is out shopping,

and the director
is up in the booth,

and the cameramen have this silly
union rule about not opening sardine cans.

So who's left to do it except
my wonderful producer?

[Chuckling] No,
I'm sorry, Sue Ann,

but I don't think a producer
opens sardine cans.

He does around here,

unless he wants to
be an ex-producer.

Now, I'm in a hurry, so get
the sardines and the lead...

out of their respective cans.

When you finish that, will you
order some more paper towels?

You're gonna need them tomorrow
when I do my salute to the Johnny Mop.

Murray. Hey. Hey.

- How are things going, Murray?
- How's the big producer?

Great, guys. Just great.

That's great,
Murray. Really great.

How come she's got
you opening cans?

What, do you mean these?
I'm not doing this for her.

I'm doing it for me.

Uh, I'm thinking.

I always open sardine cans
because it helps me think.

If I don't come up with an
idea, I just close 'em up again.

I'll have to try that sometime.

So, uh, guys, how are
things in the newsroom?

Oh, not bad. The new
kid's working out okay.

Oh, you see, Ted? I
told you he'd be fine.

Yeah, but you write much better
weather forecasts than he does.

- Ted, the weather's
been rotten all week.
- Maybe that's it.

There's another thing. You know the
way you used to tease me in the newsroom?

I teased you? Yeah.

Make little jokes about me,
pretending that I was dumb.

Ted, I wasn't
pretending. [Laughing]

See? That's the
kind of thing I mean.

Listen, we just came up here to
see if you'd like to have lunch with us.

Gee, I'd love to, Lou, but I'm
afraid I can't. I have too much to do.

I gotta check the lighting. I gotta
give the notes to the guys on the crew.

I gotta check the set,
the audio, the cue cards.

I never realized before how
important a producer is to a show.

- Yeah?
- I sure am glad
you're a producer.

I want you to know that I
sure miss you. Thanks, Ted.

I can't think of anybody
I'd rather be missed by.

[Laughing] He did it again.

- See you.
- See you later, Murray.
- Yeah, yeah.

Hello, Lou. Oh, hi.

Hello, Ted. Yeah.

Murray, dear, the station manager's gonna
be in my office at 3:15 for a meeting,

and I'd like to have you there.

What? The station manager?
Sure, Sue Ann. I'll be there.

Look, is there anything
special I should know?

Yes, he takes his black, and
I take milk and two sugars.

Oh, boy!

- Oh, boy, oh, boy!
- What?

I have just been watching
a man being destroyed.

Is it too late to
send a film crew?

Mr. Grant, I'm serious.

I was just visiting Murray
down on Sue Ann's set.

You cannot believe the
way she is treating him.

She's got him scrubbing
the stove, washing dishes,

scouring pots.

Now she's got him cutting paper
doilies out for her "fat wedding" show.

Her what?

She's doing a special on
weddings for the weight conscious.

What kind of wedding
is that? I don't know.

I guess, instead of throwing
rice, they throw cottage cheese.

The point is, Mr. Grant,
she's treating him like a flunky.

Isn't there something you
could do? Could you talk to him?

- Mary, what can I tell him?
- I don't know.

Tell him to stand up to Sue Ann,
not to let her push him around.

- Why don't you tell him?
- Because I think he should hear
it from someone stronger.

- Someone forceful, tough.
- Why don't you get Sue Ann
to tell him?

Yeah.

Look, uh, Murray's a grown man.

He made a decision. He
knows what he's doing.

If he wants his job back
here, he can have it.

But beyond that, I'm
not gettin' involved.

But, Mr. Grant,
Murray is so unhappy.

Mary, I am not getting involved.

[Knocking] Come in.

Hi! I hope I'm not
disturbing anything.

Hi, Marie. Nice
to see you, Marie.

I'm just meeting
Murray for lunch,

and I thought I would drop by and
say hi to the old gang in the newsroom.

Aw. You must be really
proud of Murr, huh?

Oh, Mary, it is fantastic.

You know, my friends
see his name on the credits,

and the children are
so proud of him too.

And the extra money
certainly doesn't hurt.

[Laughing] Oh, I can't tell
you how it's changed our lives.

We are the two h-h-happiest
people in the world.

[Crying] Mary. Marie.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mary.
I'm just so miserable.

I hardly see Murray
at all anymore,

and when he comes
home, it's so late.

[Crying, Sniffling] And
he's... He's so cranky.

[Crying] I've tried
to talk with him.

But he's so vain. Oh!

He's a nervous wreck,
and he's making me one.

Oh, Mary! I don't know
what I'm gonna do!

[Sobbing]

Oh, Mary, I-I tried talking to
him, but he just won't listen to me.

I told him that what he's
going through just isn't worth it.

[Continues, Indistinct]

There we are, Murray.
My low-cal wedding cake.

Everything but my pudgy
little bride and groom.

Do you know it's taken me two
weeks to design and bake that?

There are only 82
calories in the whole thing.

A man could eat
that entire cake,

and, by the time he finished,
he'd have starved to death.

Well, the pots are finished.

I'll see you later. I'm gonna
take Marie out for lunch.

Hold on a moment, Murray. I
want you to help me for a minute.

I have to put the finishing touches
to my stylishly stout bridal gown.

You want me to get one of
those dummies for you to put it on?

No, dear. None of them is large
enough. What do you want me for?

Hold out your arms. Oh, no. I'm
not gonna put that on, Sue Ann.

What do you think I am? Murray.

There we are. You know...

It's only gonna take
two seconds, dear.

Don't fidget now while
I'm trying to pin you.

This is embarrassing.
I mean, it's humiliating.

I told you I've
got a lunch date.

You can go to lunch anytime. How often do
you get a chance to wear a wedding gown?

Hello, Lou.

Hi, Sue Ann. Murray.

Hi, Lou. So, how's
everything going, Murray?

Fine. Just fine.

I'm out of pins, dear. Don't
sit down. I'll be right back.

[Chuckling] She didn't
have a dummy big enough.

Maybe she did.

Murray, how can you
do this to yourself?

You can't let Sue Ann just walk
all over you! Oh, yes, I can, Lou.

For 350 bucks a
week, you bet I can.

But it's eatin' you up inside.
It's gonna make you crazy.

You keep holding your feelings in
like this, it's gonna explode one day!

You gotta stand up to her, say
what's on your mind. Be a man!

Oh. Oh, is that
what you think, Lou?

You think I'm not being a man?

Let me tell you something, Lou.

There's a lot more to being a
man than all that macho stuff.

I got a wife, and I got kids.

And doing my best for them is a
big part of what makes me a man.

So don't tell me I'm not
acting like any man, Lou!

I'm sorry, Murray.

You're right. You're a man.

And that's a very lovely gown.

Gee, I didn't even know
you guys were engaged.

Get out of here.

Okay, Lou, but isn't it bad luck for
you to see Murray before the ceremony?

- Ted, get out of here.
- I just stopped by to ask
if you wanted to have lunch.

But I guess you two
kids wanna be alone.

Get out of here, Ted! Okay, okay.
You're beautiful when you're angry.

[Grunts]

Look what it's come to! You got
Ted making jokes about you now.

Mr. Grant, I... Oh, my God.

Mr. Grant, did you talk to him?

Yes, I talked to him,
but he won't listen to me.

Did you tell him he can't go
on like this? Yes, I told him.

Did you tell him he's got to stand
up to Sue Ann? Yes, he told me.

Will you stay out of
this? Did you tell him

Marie came to the
newsroom and was crying?

No, I didn't have the
heart to tell him that.

Why don't you tell
him that? I can't.

Marie was crying
in the newsroom?

Yes. I'm gonna talk to Sue Ann.

Murray, I've got the pins, but I
wanna see how the veil looks.

Oh, no. No veil, Sue Ann.

A producer does not wear a veil.

Murray, don't use
that tone on me.

If you have something
you wish to say to me,

let's act like civilized people
and simply sit down and discuss it.

All right.

I'm sorry, Sue Ann. Forgive
me. You are absolutely right.

Let's sit down. [Chuckling]

Now, if you will excuse me,

I've got a luncheon
date with my wife.

Could use a little more vanilla.

Hello, Mary. Hello, Murray.

Hi. Hi, Sue Ann. Pull
up a cake and sit down.

I just dropped by to
ask Mary a question.

Dear, I have a date tonight. Do you think
this dress is a little too suggestive?

Uh... Well...

Tell me the truth. Be honest. Does it
make me look a little easy, a little cheap?

- Well, a little, yes.
- Oh, good.

I've got another date
with my new producer.

He's a wonderful man, but
he's not terribly aggressive.

We had three dates before he
even so much as held my hand.

Then he only did that to keep
me from unbuttoning his shirt.

Mary, maybe you and Joe would
like to double-date with us tonight.

Oh, well, thanks, Sue Ann,
but Joe's still out of town.

Oh. Shoot.

I was hoping maybe Lester
could pick up a couple of pointers.

- What?
- She's got an idea, Mary.

I remember reading about
that gorilla in the zoo last year.

They put a female gorilla in his
cage, but he didn't show any interest.

So they showed him a
movie of two gorillas who

were showing a lot of
interest in each other,

- and eventually
he got the idea.
- Oh.

I wonder, if I called the zoo, if
they'd show that film to Lester.

Failing that, maybe they'll
let you date the gorilla.

[Mouths Word]

[Mews]