Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 6, Episode 1 - Edie Gets Married - full transcript

On her request, Lou is having lunch with his ex-wife, Edie. It's so that she can tell him that she's getting remarried. Outwardly, Lou wants to be happy for her, but he's not sure that he really is. Although he knows he no longer loves her, her getting remarried still doesn't change the fact that it means a part of his life is ending forever. It is even more difficult for him when Edie, in a gesture to show him and the world that they are still good friends, invites him to the wedding. Lou has to decide if he is in Mary's words a modern man by going to the wedding, and if he does go if he will be able to stand watching his wife say "I do" to another man. Meanwhile, Ted is trying to figure out a good punch line to his knock knock joke "Anna Maria Alberghetti who?".

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♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Hey, Murr. Hi.

What a great day. I was
recognized seven times today.



Hi, Ted. Eight. [Chuckles]

- Is Lou in, Mary?
- No, he's gonna be
a little late.

[Murray] Oh? How come?
He had a luncheon date.

Luncheon date, eh? Who with?

I'm sorry, Ted, but he
asked me not to say anything.

Oh, well, I can guess.

A little rendezvous.

Eh, what difference
does it make to me...

if Lou wants to sit in
a candlelit restaurant,

holding hands, sipping champagne,
saying "I love you, I love you"?

Lord knows I've done it myself.

Yeah, only you were
alone at the time.

Hello, all you darling
people. [All Mumbling Hello's]

I just came by to remind you
all to stop in at the studio tonight.



I am cooking an authentic dish from India
that you simply must taste... beef curry.

Oh, well, I hate to
disillusion you, Sue Ann,

but in India, the cow is sacred.

They don't eat beef. Oh! Well, they
will when they taste how I make it.

Oh, and, Mary, tell
Lou he's invited too.

Although I'm sure he
has other plans. [Chuckles]

What do you mean?

Ooh. Nothing.

Except that I just saw him
having lunch with his ex-wife, Edie.

[Chuckles] I must confess,

it baffles me why Lou would
want something he's already had,

when he could have something
fresh and new and exciting.

I mean, why buy day-old bread...

when he could have a beautiful
cupcake piping hot from the oven?

Yeah. But how many
times has it been reheated?

[Cackling]

Dear, sweet Murray.

I hope your
sideburns fall out too.

Well, I wonder why all of a
sudden Lou is taking Edie to lunch.

Because she asked him to. Oh.

Look, Murr, I really don't want
to sit around gossiping about it.

Yeah, Mary's right. Just 'cause an ex-wife
wants to take her husband to lunch...

- is no reason why we should
start spreading rumors.
- Right.

Poor slob must be falling
behind on his alimony.

Hey, everybody, look
who's here... Edie.

Hi, Edie. Hi.

How wonderful to see
you. Gee, you look terrific.

Thanks, Mary. How are you?

Just great. It's nice
to see you again, Edie.

Oh, thanks, Murray. I hope
I'm not interrupting anything.

[Both] No. Lou
insisted that I drop by.

Edie, it's been more
than two years now,

and I must say you look younger,

more radiant, more beautiful
than I've ever seen you before.

I mean that sincerely.
Thanks, Ted. That's very sweet.

No, no, no. I mean it.
You look a lot younger

now than when you
were married to Lou.

Wait till you hear the good
news, everybody. [Mary] Oh, what?

This is the greatest
news in the world.

Guess what Edie just told
me. She's getting married again!

[Murray] Well,
congratulations, Edie. Oh.

What a nice surprise.
Very happy for you.

Oh, thanks, Mary. [Chuckles]

I-Isn't that wonderful?
Edie's getting married again.

Best wishes for a
long, happy life, Edie.

Well, thanks, Murray.
Congratulations, Edie.

You know, like the song says, "Love
is lovelier the second time around."

Songs can be wrong, Lou.

It's not like I still
love her, Charlie.

- I don't. That I'm sure of.
- Mm-mmm.

- I don't love her,
but I like her.
- Right.

Don't get me wrong.
I used to love her,

- but I don't now.
- Gotcha.

Now I just like her.

But I-I don't love her.
You know what I mean?

You like her, but
you don't love her.

That's it.

Oh, Mr. Grant, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.

Are you all right? Of
course I'm all right. I'm fine.

I just wanted to get away for a
few minutes of peace and quiet.

I was trying to find a
place where I can be alone.

Why don't you tell me about it?

I found a place, Mary.

The only thing that's
missing is the "alone" part.

Well, Mr. Grant, sometimes the worst
time to be alone is when you feel like it.

I know, with me, I always push people
away just when I need them the most.

I don't. The only time
I push people away...

is when I don't
want 'em around me.

[Chuckles] Well,
Mr. Grant, you don't fool me.

You don't want to be alone.
If you wanted to be alone,

you wouldn't be sitting
here talking to me now.

Is it possible,
Mr. Grant, that you feel a

little more for Edie
than you're admitting?

- That's all over.
- You're sure?

I'm positive. Ask anybody. Hey,
Charlie, how do I feel about my ex-wife?

Likes her, doesn't love her.

See? No, that's...
That's not it.

You know what's
bothering me? What?

I finally figured it out.

After 23 years of marriage,
Edie and I got a separation.

Two years ago, we got a divorce,
and now she's marrying some other guy.

Don't you see, Mary? What?

Edie and I are drifting apart.

[Laughing]

What's so funny, Ted?

Ah, it's... Me and Ollie the elevator
man always tell each other these jokes.

Oh.

Boy, I got a really great one I'm
working on I'm gonna tell him tomorrow.

Here, let me try it out on you.

There's just this little part
I haven't figured out yet.

Knock, knock. Oh, Ted, look.

No sane person is doing jokes
anymore that begin with... Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Anna Maria Alberghetti.

Anna Maria Alberghetti who?

Oh, that's the part I
haven't figured out yet.

- Mary, how's Lou today?
- Oh, he's in
a much better mood.

Oh? Well, I sure hope you're
right. He's been impossible lately.

You know, yesterday, I
had breakfast with him.

He got in an argument
with one of his waffles.

Well, I can understand
how he must have felt...

finding out his wife was
marrying another man.

I had a similar experience once.

When I was a kid,
I had this yo-yo.

It was a birthday gift. I never cared much
for yo-yos. I just kept it in my drawer.

Then one day, this...
This kid I know, Billy,

offered me a quarter
for it, so I sold it to him.

Boy, you should have
seen Billy with that yo-yo.

He could make it sleep, rock
the cradle, walk the doggy.

You name it, he could do it.

I can't tell you how
jealous that made me.

At night, I used to lay awake wondering
what new tricks he was teaching my yo-yo.

You see?

Well, even when you don't
want something anymore,

if it has belonged to you, you still
don't want anybody else to have it.

I mean, to this day, I feel
badly about selling my yo-yo.

Well, look at it this way, Ted.

That yo-yo was either lost or
broken many, many years ago.

Mmm. Meanwhile,
you've still got the quarter.

Hi, Edie. Hi, Ted.

Edie, hi. Hi, Mary.

Listen. I came by because I
want to invite you to the wedding.

Oh... And while I'm at
it, I want to thank you...

for being the only one of Lou's friends
that doesn't act awkward when they see me.

Oh, well, I... That's...
That's really, uh, you know...

[Stammers, Laughs]
Isn't that silly?

The minute you mention
awkward, I... Well...

Y-You understand.

Mary, here are those
figures on that... Edie.

[Clears Throat] Oh. How are you?

Fine, Lou. I just dropped in
to invite Mary to the wedding.

Oh, yeah, hey, that's
right. You're getting married.

I tell ya, I've been so busy
around here, I forgot all about it.

Isn't that right, Mary?
Oh, yeah, that's right.

He-He's been so busy, he forgot,
uh, that you were getting married.

He-He mentioned it to
me, that... he had forgotten.

- You're looking good, Edie.
- Thanks, Lou.

Listen, Lou.

I don't know if it's
usually done, but...

I've thought it over, and I'd
like you to come to the wedding.

It'd be a chance to show everybody
and ourselves that we're still friends.

Oh.

You know, Edie, it...

It's... It's sort of nice,

you inviting me...
to the wedding.

It's unusual.

Well, it's a hard thing
to talk about, Lou, and...

I didn't know how upset you
were about my remarrying.

Well, you know, for a...

A while there, I was having
a hard time getting used to it.

Uh, yeah. Ask anybody.

Ask Murray. He was there when
I had the fight with the waffle.

I'm over it now.

I'm glad you're getting
married. I mean it.

Thanks, Lou.

I'll be seeing you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Bye, Edie. Bye-bye, Mary.

You know, Mary,

something sort of beautiful
just happened here.

Edie just invited
me to her wedding.

Mary, would you mind
answering this R.S.V.P. for me?

You mean you're
going to the wedding?

Of course I am. Right after
I go to the pope's wedding.

Hey, gang, what's going on?

Oh, Lou's still upset
about Edie getting married

tomorrow. He won't
come out of his office.

Relax. I'll get him out.

Ted, what are you gonna
do? Just stand back.

Ted, please don't do
anything crazy. Don't worry.

[Exhales]

[Lou] Who's there?
Anna Maria Alberghetti.

Leave him alone, Ted. He'll
come out when he wants to.

Oh, poor Lou. He's
like a little hurt child.

He needs mothering.

I wish I could rush
right in there now...

and throw my arms around
him and just hug him all over.

That takes care of your problems,
Sue Ann, but what about his?

Hi, Mary. Janey, hi.

Janey, I'd like you to meet Sue Ann
Nivens. This is Mr. Grant's daughter.

Hello, Janey. How
nice to meet you.

[Chuckles] I'm sure your
father's told you all about me.

No, I'm sorry. I don't
remember that he has.

Well, he should have.
You're old enough.

[Chuckles]

- Is my father in?
- Uh, yeah,

but I'm afraid he's
locked himself in his office.

- The wedding tomorrow?
- I think so.

Daddy? Ted!

Mr. Grant. It's your daughter.

Hi. Come here.

Come on in.

How are ya? Fine.
How's it goin', Daddy?

- Couldn't be better.
- That's what I figured...

when they told me you
locked yourself in the office.

[Forced Laugh] Yeah. Yeah.

Say, uh, how's that terrific
guy you were going with?

- What, uh... Larry.
- Oh, we broke up.

Thank God.

I came to ask you to
come to Mom's wedding.

No... Uh, no. I'm
sorry, honey. No.

Yeah, I-I can't. I'd
feel out of place.

I wouldn't know what to say
to her or to the guy, you know.

- What's he like anyway?
- He's average.

But he's good-looking,
huh? Average.

Is he tall, short? Average.

I knew it. Your mother's
marrying a guy right off the rack.

Come on, honey. You
can tell me the truth.

You're just trying not to
hurt my feelings, right?

No. Well...

You wanna know something? I hope this
Howard's the greatest guy in the world,

- because that's what
your mother deserves.
- Will you come to the wedding?

Honey, please. Come
on. She really thinks...

it'll be better for you and
her if you come. No, I can't.

For me? Janey, please.

I'm telling you, he's average.

High average or low average?

Average average.

Please, Daddy.

Well, maybe I'll drop by.

Aw. Thanks, Daddy.
I'll see you then.

Hey, wait a second!

There's something
I meant to a...

Something I meant to ask you.

Uh, not that it, uh...
Not that it really matters,

but, uh, this guy, Howard,
that your mother's marrying...

You're not gonna call
him "Daddy," are you?

No. I promise. You'll always
be the only one I call "Daddy."

I'll call him "Pops."

I'm kidding. Look at you. I
can't even tease you anymore.

Oh, yeah, sure. Hey,
you can tease me.

I-I knew I was being teased.

[Forced Laughter] Good tease.

Bye, Daddy. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, Mary. Bye, Janey.

What time should I pick
you up for the wedding?

- You're going?
- Mm-hmm. Surprised?

Mr. Grant, I don't want to butt
in. It has nothing to do with me.

Well, that never
stopped you before.

- Come on. Why are you surprised?
- No, really, Mr. Grant,

this is your very
personal thing.

It has nothing to
do with me. It...

It involves your deepest,
innermost feelings.

It's not for me
to get involved in.

The last thing in the world
you need is my advice.

Sit down, Mr. Grant.

Look, going to an ex-wife's
wedding is a wonderful gesture.

You know, for a sophisticated,
worldly, with-it, today kinda guy.

- That's me, Mary.
- [Sighs]

No, Mr. Grant.
That's Sonny Bono.

You're gonna be sitting there...

watching a woman who shared
your life with you for 23 years...

promise to love another man.

I just don't think
you can take it.

Can't take it?

Can't take it?

Sit down, Mary.

I'm gonna tell
you a little story.

That's what I figured.

I'm the last guy in the world
you say "can't take it" to.

When I was in basic training,

there was this
Corporal Hoffmeyer.

"Jerkface" Hoffmeyer.

Six foot 3, 230 pounds.

[Chuckles] For some reason,
Jerkface had it in for me.

Who knows? Maybe it was
because of the way I looked.

Maybe it was because
of where I came from.

Or maybe it was because I was the one
who gave him the nickname "Jerkface."

Well, in any case,

Jerkface kept picking on me.

One day, he challenged
me to come to the gym...

and put on the gloves
with him for five rounds.

Oh, oh. Mary, that
was some fight!

First round: Jerkface comes out.

He starts dancing
around. Dancing arou...

Jab, jab, jab!

Then, when he's got me
watching out for his left hand,

he slams me with a right
hand right to the kidneys.

[Groans]

Did you ever get
hit in the old kidney?

Not in years.

Let me tell you something,
Mary. It can hurt.

So I doubled over
onto the canvas.

When I looked up, there was
Jerkface standing over me.

He sneered at me and said,
"Can't take it, huh, Grant?"

So I got up and
started fighting again.

Then he hit me with
everything he had.

Lefts, rights, uppercuts!

Then I crashed to
the floor in a stupor.

Two of my front teeth were
missing. My nose was bleeding.

My jaw was broken.

And again I hear...

[Muffled] "Can't
take it, huh, Grant?"

Six times I went
down, six times I got up.

But I lasted the whole
five rounds, Mary.

When it was over, there I was,

sitting in my corner, bleeding,

in agony.

- You got the picture?
- Lord, yes.

And if I can take
that kind of beating,

do you really believe...
that some little,

insignificant wedding
is gonna hurt me?

- Yes, I do.
- So do I, but I already
promised the kid.

♪♪ [Piano: Ballad]

[Chattering]

♪♪ ["Here Comes The Bride"]

Oh, Edie looks beautiful.

Yeah.

♪♪ [Ends]

Howard, on the
other hand, is, uh...

Jerkface.

Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here...

to join together this
man and this woman...

in matrimony, which
is an honorable estate.

You okay? It is not
to be taken lightly.

Reverently, soberly
and with discretion.

Howard's losing his hair.

Howard Gordon, do you take...

Yeah. He's really
blowing his feathers.

[Chuckles] I have a lot
more hair than he does.

Oh, listen. He'd give anything
to have a head of hair like yours.

Mm-hmm.

His head looks like half
of a bottomless dancer.

To love and to cherish
till death do you part?

I do. And do you,
Edith McKenzie,

take Howard Gordon to
be your wedded husband,

to have and to hold,
for better, for worse,

for richer or poorer, in
sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish
till death do you part?

[Edie] I do. [Minister]
The ring, please.

She did it, Mary.

She said "I do." [Minister
Continues, Indistinct]

I know.

And I didn't fall apart, did I?

No, you didn't.

Say it, Mary.

"Lou Grant can take it."

You can take it.

By the virtue of the authority
vested in me by this state,

I pronounce they
are husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[Guests Murmuring]

♪♪ ["Wedding March" Recessional]

[Chattering]

Uh, say, Mary, I, uh... I
want to say something to Edie.

Oh, you're going to do that too?

Yeah. Yeah.

Janey.

Oh, Mary, I'm so glad you came.

Oh, Edie.

Many years of happiness.
Oh, thanks, Mary.

Hello, Lou.

Thanks for coming,
Lou. It meant a lot to me.

Are you kiddin'? I came to
your last wedding, didn't I?

- Good luck, Edie.
- Thanks, Lou.

So long, dear.

All the best, dear.

[Sobs]

Hi, Lou, Mary. Hi, Charlie.

Mary, you need
a drink. I think so.

What would you like?

Uh, champagne cocktail.

That's what I like about you,
Mary. You're sad but classy.

I'll have the usual, Charlie.

Hi, Mar, Lou. Hi, Mary. Hi, Lou.

What are you guys doing here? Oh,
well, we figured you'd be coming in here...

after the wedding, and we just
wondered how you'd be feeling.

Oh, I'm doing okay, but, uh...

What's the matter, Mary...
you didn't catch the bouquet?

No, I'm okay.
I'll... I'll be fine.

Not only will you feel fine, but would
you believe, in about 10 seconds,

you're gonna be
laughing hysterically?

He's figured out an ending
for his knock-knock joke.

Who wants to do it with me?
Murray, want to do it with me?

I'm so happy you asked.

Okay, now remember, when I say
"knock, knock," you say "Who's there?"

I know my part, Ted.

Okay, get ready
to laugh now. Ted,

this better be a pretty
funny knock-knock joke.

I lost a wife today.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

Anna Maria Alberghetti.

Anna Maria Alberghetti who?

♪ Anna Maria Alberghetti
in a taxi, honey ♪

[Laughing]

I'm sorry. I thought it
was funny. [Laughs]

Well, what do you want?
I was feeling down before.

Now I'm feeling better.
That's really cute.

♪ Anna Maria Alberghetti
in a taxi, honey ♪

♪ Please be ready 'bout
♪ [Both] ♪ Half past 8:00 ♪

♪ Now, baby, don't be late ♪
[Mary] ♪ Now, honey, don't be late ♪

♪ I wanna be there when
the band starts playin' ♪

♪ Remember, when
we get there, honey ♪

♪ Two steps, oh I'm
gonna have a ball ♪

♪ I'm gonna dance off both of
my shoes ♪ ♪ Buh-duh-bum ♪

- ♪ When they play those
"Jelly Roll Blues" ♪
- ♪ Buh-duh-bum ♪

♪ Tomorrow night at the
Darktown Strutters' Ball ♪♪

[Mews]