Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 9 - Not a Christmas Story - full transcript

It's a Monday in November, and a snowstorm is passing through Minneapolis. While the newsroom staff works on news stories about the weather, Sue Ann, who has just taped her Christmas special, invites the newsroom gang to join her that evening on her set to feast on her just prepared Christmas meal. They all decline as they all have other plans for the evening. By the time the newscast starts, Murray, Mary, Lou and Ted are all at each others' throats over an editorial issue with Murray's copy, and who is to blame for what happens as a result on the air. Murray threatens to quit over the issue. However, it's not like he can storm out of the office since they are all snowed in until the streets are cleared, which is forecast to be after midnight. As such, they all decide to join Sue Ann for her dinner, despite no one feeling in a festive Christmas mood.

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Say, Mar. Remember
we were talking last week

about coming up with
a new opening for Ted?

Yeah. I think I've got something
here. What do you think about this?

"Good evening.

This is Ted Baxter with news from
around the world and around the corner."

"Around the world, around the corner."
Hey, I like it. That's pretty good.

Yeah, I think it works. Yeah,
maybe we'll try it out next week.

Try what out next
week? It's a new catch

phrase Murray came
up with to open the show.

Oh, yeah? Can I see it? Sure.

[Clears Throat]

"Good evening. This is
Ted Baxter with news...

from around the world
and around the corner."

Hmm. I like it.
I really like it.

I'm not so sure
about it anymore.

No, I mean it, Murr. It's good.
It's better than good. It's me.

You son of a gun, you
did it again. Thanks, Ted.

Say, can I take this with me?

Take it home over the
weekend and learn it? Sure, Ted.

"News from around the world and around
the corner." Gosh darn, this is good!

Well, all I have to do is
get Mr. Grant to sign these,

and then I'm out of here.

[Knocking] Oh, Murr.

Yeah? Uh, one little thing.

You think it'd be much
better if I reversed it?

I mean, instead of saying, "Around
the world and around the corner,"

I said, "News from around the
corner and around the world."

No, I don't think so, Ted.

You don't think it has a little
more pizzazz the other way?

No, Ted. I thought it was good
the way you said it the first time.

Yeah, well, you're probably
right. Well, see you Monday.

Yeah. Gosh, that
is good. [Chuckles]

Well, that does it for me. You
got any plans for the weekend?

Oh, yeah. Saturday I've
got to go to the dentist.

I've got to put up the storm windows
and unclog a drain in the kids' bathroom.

And then Sunday I'm gonna do some of the
unpleasant chores I've been putting off.

Murray, I was right.
Right about what, Ted?

This thing you wrote. I read it
both ways to Ollie the elevator man.

Now, I didn't try
to influence him.

I didn't tell him which way I liked it.
I just let him make up his own mind.

He said there was
no question about it.

"Around the corner and around
the world" is the way it should be.

Mary, can you believe this? Ted asked
an elevator man to judge my writing.

That's ridiculous. What
experience does he have?

Are you kidding? Ollie's been
running that elevator for 17 years.

Mary, would you please
say something to Ted?

Sure. See you
Monday, Ted. Oh, Mary.

All I want is to change a couple
of little words around. Gee.

Sure. If it were up to
you, the line would read,

"Not to be or to be."

What line?

- Well, have a nice weekend.
- Oh, wait a minute, Lou. Just not so fast.

All right, Ted.

Have... a... nice... weekend.

Is that better, Ted? What I meant was,
Lou, we need an executive decision here.

Make it fast. I got a poker
game. What's the problem?

Well, Murray came up with
a new opening for the show.

It goes, "Good evening.
This is Ted Baxter...

with news from around the
world and around the corner."

Only Ted wants it to be, "Around
the corner and around the world."

- That's it?
- That's it.

Lou, "around the corner"
has got to come last.

- And Ollie and I
say it goes first.
- Ollie?

- The elevator man.
- Of course.

He wants me to rewrite my
copy because of an elevator man.

Murray, that's who
we're doing the news for...

All the Ollies in all the
elevators all over the world.

We're not doing it for people
like us. We already know the news.

So, which way do you want
it, Lou? [Ted] Which way, Lou?

Let me see.

Yeah, all right.

I've decided to let Mary decide.

And I... will decide on
Monday. Good night.

Come on, Murray. Be a
good guy. Let me do it my way.

I'm sorry, Ted. Your
way is the wrong way.

Okay. It's your
opinion, and I respect it.

I only hope you're wearing
comfortable shoes. Why?

'Cause I'm gonna tell
Ollie, and when I tell Ollie,

you're gonna be walking
down 23 flights of stairs.


[Doorbell Buzzes]

[Doorbell Buzzes]

Who is it?


Murray. Hi.

Oh, hey. I got you out
of your bath. I'm sorry.

No, that's okay. Listen, I
was in there too long anyway.

My fingers were getting
all wrinkled. Yeah.

It's funny how fingers do that.
Other parts of the body don't do that.

Well, no, I think
the toes do too.

Listen... Oh, you're right.

Why don't you sit down,
and I'll just put something on?

I'm only gonna be a minute,
Mar. I just came from the dentist.

I thought I'd stop by
and apologize. For what?

Well, for that whole thing in the
office... changing the words all around.

- You don't have to apologize.
- I don't know why I got so upset
over such a little thing.

"Around the world, around the
corner." What difference does it make?

Yeah. Murray, uh, I'm
standing here in this towel.

Oh, yeah. The towel. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'll just go put some
clothes on. No, no, Mar.

I just wanted to tell you
that I'm sorry it happened.

Boy, that's a great towel.

I keep telling Marie to get those kind, but
she always gets those thin, skimpy ones.

I tie them around my waist.
They always keep falling off.

You know, Murr, I really would feel
so much more comfortable dressed.

Listen, I just wanted to tell you that
I'm sorry and that whatever you decide...

"Around the world" or "Around the
corner" or "Around the mulberry bush."

Whatever you decide. It's all
right with me. It's no big deal.

Actually, Murray, I've
already decided. Oh, really?

I think we're gonna try
it the way you wrote it.

Oh, thank you, Mary! Thank you!

The Weather Bureau says the snowstorm
should continue until tomorrow morning...

and we might get as
much as 16 inches. Wow.

Mary. When you talk
to the film crew, remind

them I want some good
pictures of the storm.

- Yeah. Right.
- Tell them I want something
different this time.

I don't want any schoolboys
having snowball fights,

or pretty girls making cute snowmen
with funny little pipes in their mouths,

or fat storekeepers
shoveling sidewalks.

I want something unusual,
something imaginative.

Give it a little thought. You
can come up with something.

How 'bout a bunch of
kids in their underwear...

running through the
spray of a fire hydrant?

Hi, people. [Mary, Murray] Hi.

Isn't it simply beautiful
out there? Mmm!

I mean, snow always
inspires such awe in me.

Just consider one
single snowflake alone.

So delicate, so
fragile, so ethereal.

And yet, let a billion of
them come together...

through the majestic
force of nature,

they can screw up a whole city.

Uh, Sue Ann, why are you
wearing a Santa Claus apron?

Oh, I just finished
taping a special...

on Christmas
dinner in many lands.

I call it "Yuletide Yummies
for Worldwide Tummies."

Christmas show?
This is only November.

Oh, I always tape my
Christmas show in advance.

That way I can spend the
season of joy and goodwill...

with my only sister in Florida.

Oh, that's nice. She's kind of
a creep, but she's got a pool.


I have cooked all these wonderful
Christmas dishes from different countries,

and I wanted to invite you all to
come on down after your broadcast.

And I thought, between courses,
we could sing some carols...

and play Christmas games.

Oh, there's this wonderful
game from Finland.

No. For that you need three
little boys and a peasant's wife.

But there are so
many more. Mary?

Oh, gee, Sue Ann, that
sounds like a lot of fun,

but I'm meeting
someone at the theater.

Oh. Murray?

Uh, gee, I'd love
to come, Sue Ann,

but we're having some
people over for bridge tonight.

[Singsongy] Lou!

Well, I'm not, uh, doing
anything tonight, Sue Ann.

- Then you'll come.
- No.

- Why?
- Why? I hate
that sort of stuff.

Well, maybe next
year. [Mary] Right.

- I'll keep it open.
- [Laughs]

Ah, Mr. Grant, you
should have gone.

I bet she made a
wonderful dinner.

I think Lou's afraid he
might be the dessert.

Where you been? You're
on the air in a few minutes.

Lou, you won't believe
what I've been through.

My car got stuck in a snowdrift.

Called a tow truck.
It never came.

Georgette's still in
the car waiting for it.

You left Georgette
all alone in the car?

Oh, that's all right. I told
her she could play the radio.

I had to walk 15 blocks in the snow.
Look at my hands. I think I got frostbite.

What happened? Your mother
pin your mittens to your other coat?

Here's your copy.
Better get into the studio.

Any word from the Board of Education
about closing schools tomorrow?

- No, but I'll check with them
again before the show is over.
- Ah, Murr, wait a minute.

You didn't change
the opening around.

It still says, "Around the
world and around the corner."

I didn't have to change it.
Mary decided to do it that way.

Yeah, I thought it over, and I decided that
we would do it the way Murray wrote it.

Murray may have written it,
and you may have thought it over,

but I'm the one who has
to say it, and I can't say it.

Oh, Ted. Of course
you can. No, I can't.

It doesn't sound
right. It's not me.

If there's one thing I've
learned, I've gotta be me.

Right. It's a dirty job, but
somebody's gotta do it.

All right, look. We don't
have time to argue about this.

I'll just cross it out, and
we'll talk about it tomorrow.

How will I open the
show? Just open it the

same way you've been
doing it for eight years.

Good evening. This is Ted
Baxter with tonight's news.

Let me write that down.

Mary, uh, can I see
you for a moment?

Yeah. Mary, is that the
way you make a decision?

Now, you're either the associate
producer of this show or you're not.

And if you are, I think you should start
acting like one. All right, all right!

Ted, Mr. Grant has
given me the authority...

to decide which is the
right way to do this opening,

and I have decided
which is the right way.

And that is the way
you are going to do it!

You are going to say, "This is
Ted Baxter with news from around"...

Corner? World? What is it?

World. Corner.

Around the world! That's the way
he wrote it. That's the way I want it.

And that's the way
you're going to say it.

That's the way you're
going to say it, please.

Please. Okay.

Is that the way you
exercise authority? "Please"?

What happened to "pretty please"?
Come on. What do you want?

Excuse me. I'm
sorry to interrupt,

but could anyone tell me why...

our show is on the
air, and Ted isn't?

Mary was... Oh!

I can't believe it. We're opening the
show with a picture of an empty studio.

[Murray] You know, I don't think
I've ever enjoyed our show so much.

Good evening.

This is Ted Baxter
with tonight's news...

from around the corner
and around the world.

We'll be right back right
after this commercial message.

[Grunts] I knew he'd do it
his way. I knew it! I knew it!

Will someone please tell
me what's going on here?

I'll tell you what's going
on here. I'm quitting.

Come on. You're not gonna quit
over two dumb little words. Dumb!

I'm sure it was an accident. You saw
how many times I had to cross it out.

He just got confused.
I'm sure he didn't mean it.

Oh, say, Murray...
[Blows Raspberry]

And then Ted read it his way,
and, well, you saw the rest.

That's why Murray's quitting?

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant.
Murray's not gonna quit.

He wouldn't quit over a silly
thing like that. I know Murray. Murr!

- Excuse me. May I use that phone?
- It's your phone.

It used to be my
phone. It's not anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Use the phone.

Hey, Murr. Hey,
you're not serious.

Hello, Marie? Look, I can't
get my car out of the parking lot.

Yeah, and the police say it'll
take till midnight to clear the streets.

So don't wait up. Okay,
honey. Good night.

They're keeping the cars off the
road. We get that story on the air?

How do I know? Ask
somebody who works here.

[Disgusted Grunt]

I guess I gotta stay here for a
while. All right if I have some coffee?

Yes, Murray, you
can have some coffee.

Thank you.


[Sighs] Murray!

Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray!


Somehow I don't think you're
swaying him with your logic.

All right if I sit here? Come on,
Murr. Will you stop? It's your chair.

It used to be my chair. It's
not anymore. It's not anymore.

Oh, this is just terrific.

I said, "Mary, handle
a little matter for me.

Just a simple little matter
about a couple of words."

What happens? Chaos!
Chaos! Oh, no, Mr. Grant.

Ted's late gettin' on
the air! Murray's quitting!

That was not my fault. What
are you yelling at Mary for?

If you weren't in such a
hurry to get to that poker game,

this whole thing could have
been settled Friday night.

No, you just hold it... Then you
had to let Mary make the decision!

But now, wait a minute, Murr.

It just so happens that that's
my job... to make decisions.

I think I made a good
decision. As a matter

of fact, I think I made
a darn good decision.

What are you
yelling at Murray for?

'Cause I'm too much of a
coward to yell at you! Ah!

Great show, hey, guys?

You know, every time I think I
can't top myself, I do it again.

Ted, how could you do that? You
promised me you would read it Murray's way.

I know. When I got out there, I couldn't do
something I knew in my heart was wrong.

But that's not the
point! I made a decision.

I know, and I respect you for it,
Mary. But it was a lousy decision.

It was the right decision,
if she had stuck to it!

I was simply trying to
get a show on the air!

You could have fooled me.

If you think you can find
someone else to do my job...

I've had enough
ultimatums for one day!

Look at all the trouble you've caused
just because of two stupid words.

I just hope you're
satisfied. Ted!

Ted! [Blows Raspberry]

Hi! Have you heard?
We're snowed in!

They don't expect to have the
streets cleared till 2:00 in the morning.

Just think... We're gonna be
spending the whole evening together.

Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, just wonderful!

And now we can have our
Christmas dinner after all.

Christmas? Whatever
happened to Thanksgiving?

Uh, listen, Sue Ann. I really
don't feel like that sort of thing.

I'm not really in the mood for any
kind of Christmas dinner. People.

You're gonna have
to eat sometime.

[Chuckles] The choice is yours.

You can have a package of
stale peanut butter crackers...

from the vending machine...

or a sumptuous
eight-course banquet with me,

featuring Soufflé Tour Légende,

Veal à la Grecque...

and enough free booze to
knock you all on your keisters.

Now, which is it to be?

Oh! That's the idea! Come on. Our
international Christmas feast awaits.

Hurry, Ted. We don't want the...
[Speaks Foreign Language] to get cold.

Hello, hello, everybody.
Come on, Georgette.

Where are we going?
Christmas dinner.

Oh, Ted, just once...

could we please
pay the full price...

and have it on December 25?

Hit the lights, will you, Dave?

[Chuckling] Welcome, everybody,

to the wonderful
world of Christmas.

Oh, Sue Ann!
It's all so beautiful.

It's almost as beautiful
as a Kodak commercial.

Lou, you know what
that is? Mistletoe.

Actually, it's asparagus
fern, but what the hell.

All right, everybody.
Come take your seats.

Now, Murray, why
don't you sit right there?

Mary, you can
sit next to Murray.

Uh, Georgette, why don't
you sit next to Murray?

All right. And then, Ted,
you sit next to Georgette.

Mary, you can sit next to Ted.

Sue Ann, why don't
you sit next to Ted?

All right. I'll sit next to
Ted. Lou, you sit next to me.

And I'll just take
my place here.

Now, then. [Georgette]
Oh! Pretty hats.

What are they for, Sue Ann?

When I taped my
special, each time I created

a different dish from
a different country,

I wore a different hat.

And I thought it
would be such fun...

if we each wore
one during dinner.

I'm a little Dutch girl.

Oh, and I'm a
little Scottish girl.

Here, Ted. Put this one
on. I'm not wearing any hat.

Come on. Where's your
Christmas spirit? It's not Christmas.

It is in here, Ted. [Sue Ann]
Now, come on, everybody.

Wear your hats. Lou,
put on your sombrero.

You too, Murray.

Mary, your helmet.

Sue Ann, I'd really rather not.

Oh, come on! Listen, Sue Ann.

We don't want to wear any
funny hats. We're not children.

Of course you're not.

But if you don't put on your
hats, you can't have any dinner.


Now, isn't that fun? Georgette,
maybe you'd lend me a hand.

The first dish is
from Mother Russia.

Braised carp in honey
and raisin sauce.

And while Georgette and
I are serving up the fish,

why don't the rest of you turn to
your Christmas songbooks, page 23?

It's not Christmas. It's November, and
we don't want to sing any Christmas carols.

Oh, it's all right, Lou.
They're nondenominational.

Who elected you spokesman
for the rest of us, Lou?

If we want to sing, we'll sing.
And I want to sing, so let's sing!

Now, you see, Murray's
starting to get the Christmas spirit!

Well, I'm with Lou.
No, you're not, Ted.

Mary, what do you think?
Do we sing or don't we?

- I leave the decision
up to you.
- [Scoffs]

Think you can handle it, Mary?

Let's sing.

Wonderful! All right
now. All together.

♪♪ [Humming Note]

♪ On the first day of Christmas
my true love gave to me ♪

- Murray.
- ♪ A partridge in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the second day of
Christmas my true love gave to me ♪

- Ted.
- Maybe he wants to study it
over the weekend.

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the third day of Christmas
my true love gave to me ♪

- Lou!
- Three French hens.

- We can't hear you, Lou.
- Three French hens!

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the fourth day of Christmas
my true love gave to me ♪ Mary.

- Sue Ann, I really don't...
- Change your mind again, Mary?

♪ Four calling birds ♪

Three French hens!
Two turtledoves.

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the 11th day of Christmas
my true love gave to me ♪

♪ Eleven pipers piping ♪

♪ Ten lords a'leaping ♪

Nine ladies dancing.

♪ Eight maids a'milking ♪

♪ Seven swans a'swimming ♪

♪ Six geese a'laying ♪

♪ Five golden rings ♪

Four calling birds.

Listen, Sue Ann. I
have something to say.

I know. "Three French hens."

- Besides "Three French hens."
- ♪ Two turtledoves ♪♪

Will you hold it? Listen,
Sue Ann. I've had it.

I don't want to sing anymore.
Anybody else wants to sing, that's okay.

I don't want to sing anymore. I
don't want to wear any funny hats.

Well, we might as well
start our Christmas dinner,

even if it isn't
exactly Christmas.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ Peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ Peace ♪♪

Anyone remember why we
were angry with each other?

- Yeah, I can remember.
- So can I.

- Well, I sure can.
- Yeah? Well, me too.

Oh, Sue Ann, that was the
best Christmas dinner I ever had.

Oh, thank you.

I hope everybody saved
enough room for plum pudding.

Sue Ann, everything
was delicious.

I'm just sorry I was in such a bad
mood, and I would like to apologize.

That goes for me too. I was mean,
rude and rotten the whole night.

Oh, Lou, don't apologize.
You were just being yourself.

Mary, I'd like to
apologize to you too.

I have a feeling everybody would
like to apologize to everybody.

Yeah, you're right, Mary.

How could we have been
so lousy to each other?

And on Christmas, of all days.

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient
yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la ♪♪

One more time!

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient
yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪♪