Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 8 - Menage-a-Phyllis - full transcript

Because Lars does not like the cultural things in life like she does, Phyllis, with Lars' knowledge, has found a companion, Mike Tedesco, with who to attend these cultural events. Although she almost seems to treat their outings like dates, Phyllis vows that their relationship is purely platonic. Like many other people, Mary thinks that Phyllis and Mike's relationship is more than just friends, until she actually meets Mike with Phyllis as she can see that there is nothing going on between the two of them. When Phyllis comes down with a cold, she suggests to Mike that he take Mary to the opera instead of her. Although Mary agrees, she feels uncomfortable about it as she both thinks that Mike is interested in her and that she is impinging on Mike and Phyllis' friendship. Deep down, Mary thinks that Phyllis sees Mike as more than just a friend. Indeed, Mike and Mary start dating. Regardless of how serious or not serious Mike and Mary's relationship is, Mary is going to have to have a heart to heart talk with Phyllis about the situation. Meanwhile, Mary and Lou have received funding to produce a documentary, if only they could figure out an appropriate topic.

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You think of anything? No. You?

No, I can't think of
anything. Me neither.

Wh-What about... Huh?

Ah, no, it stinks.

Mary, you can't get an
idea by being negative.

Let's try being positive. Who
knows? Maybe your idea will be terrific.

Okay. What about a documentary
on women's changing role?

- That stinks.
- I know.

Mr. Grant, this is crazy. We finally
get the money to do a documentary,

and we can't even think of one.

All right, I'll tell
you what. Sit down.

I'll just throw out a
lot of ideas really fast.

Anything to get us thinking. It
doesn't have to be good. Just anything.

Move us into fresh areas
just real fast, okay? Okay.


Maybe it'd be better if
we went slow. [Sighs]

I'll tell you what. I cut some
magazine articles out a little while ago.

Why don't we look through
them? Maybe we'll get an idea.

Yeah. Yeah. [Squealing] Hi, hi.

Hi, hi. Hi, Phyl.

New dress. You like it?

Oh, very much.

Lou, you likey? Yeah, I likey.

I saw it on the
rack, and I thought,

"Oh, but it's so glamorous. Do I dare
to wear something this glamorous?"

I mean, I'm not a model
or anything. The very idea.

I mean, me? A model? [Laughing]

Me? [Laughing]

A model?

What I'm saying is...

I am too plain to
ever be a model...

under any circumstances


Well, no, Phyl. You
could maybe be a model.

Oh, Mary, you're
just saying that.

Phyllis, we're working
here! What do you want?


The ballet opens tonight,

and I was wondering if I could
possibly borrow some earrings.

Well, I don't have any!

I hate everything I have.
I'm absolutely desperate.

All right. All right.
Just a minute.

They're dancing
Coppélia tonight. Yeah.

Such a beautiful ballet.

As the curtain opens,
the bell ringers alight,

quickly followed by wildflowers.

Phyllis! We are working
here. We are working.

We are looking for an
idea for a documentary.

Oh, I have one. Yeah?

What about the rising public
interest in the supernatural?

Hey, you know, Mr. Grant,
that's not a bad idea.

What do you think?
No, that's not too bad.

That could be pretty
interesting. Oh, thank you.

Mary, great.


Don't you have anything
a little nicer? Phyl!

Never mind. My
hair'll help cover them.

Anyway, Mike has
never seen them.

- Mike?
- Uh-huh. Mike.

The guy I go out with.

I need them to be nice and tight
for when I toss my head back...

in that way I have.

- Fine.
- Phyl, what do you mean,
the guy you go out with?

- I mean, does...
- Oh, I guess I should explain.

As you know, Lars and I
have this perfect marriage,

based on mutual
respect and esteem.

There's just one problem.

When it comes to
culture, Lars is a pinhead.

So I've got myself
a companion...

A really bright,
interesting guy.

He and I go to the ballet,
concerts and museums together.

Lars, of course,
totally approves.

I see.

I know it's a daring
new concept...

The idea that a man and
woman can be just friends...

But I've always been a pioneer.

[Doorbell Buzzes]

If you'll remember, Mary, Lars and I
had the first Water Pik in the building.


Uh, excuse me. I was
looking... Oh, Mike.

Oh, hi, Phyllis. Lars
told me you were up here.

Mike, this is my friend
Mary Richards. Hello.

Mike Tedesco. Mary, hi.

Come in, please. Do we
have time to sit and chat?

Sure, we got time. Lou?

Huh? This is Mike Tedesco.

Lou Grant. Oh, hi, Mike.

Lou. So, you like
the ballet, huh?

I certainly do. Yeah.
I never been, myself.

Well, you should go.

Yeah, I've been meaning to.

Well, I mean there's something really
beautiful about the way they move.

Hmm. The timing,
the coordination...

It's like watching a double play
from Reese to Robinson to Hodges.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that was some team!
Billy Cox at third. Furillo in right.

Isn't it wonderful how Mike manages
to relate to everyone at his own level?

Well, I think we
should be going.

We don't want to
be late for Coppélia.

Right. Well, uh, it was
nice meeting you both.

Yeah, same here. Good
meeting you. Thank you.

Say, Phyllis, thanks for
that idea on the supernatural.

It should make a
great documentary.

I know. When Channel 4 did
it last week, it was wonderful.

[Mary] Anyway, Mike
seemed like a terrific guy.

Oh, I don't mean
it that way, Murray.

I mean, he just wasn't what I expected,
you know? I mean, he really was terrific.

Phyllis going out
with another man?

Why, that's disgusting.

A married woman playing
around behind her husband's back?

Oh, that's just disgusting.
Ted, Ted, it's not what you think.

Mike isn't interested in
Phyllis for that sort of thing.

Oh, I get it.

You mean the guy's a little...

No! Why do you assume...

I mean, the man
is not. Not what?

And you and I are talking
about the same thing, aren't we?

Yes, Ted, we're talking about
the same thing, and he's not.

Oh, hi. Oh, Mike.

I had an appointment
on the 19th floor,

and I figured what's four
floors between friends?

Hi, Lou. Hi, Mike. How are you?

How are you doing? Mike, I'd like you to
meet Murray Slaughter and Ted Baxter.

This is Mike Tedesco.
Hello, Mike. Nice to meet you.

Oh. Oh, huh. Mike, hello.

So, how was the ballet?
Oh, it was great. Just great.

Ballet, huh? Yeah.

What, uh... What
role do you play?

Ted, Mike isn't in the ballet.

Mike went to the ballet.

Oh, either way it's
all right with me.

But I've never cared what a
guy's race, religion or sex is.

I mean, black or white,
Jew or Gentile, A.M. or F.M.

I mean, what the heck?
We're just all... people.

Some of us are.

Come on, Murray. It's your turn not
to think of an idea for a documentary.

Good seeing you, Mike.
Yeah, nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

Well, hello. Hello.

I lied. I didn't have an
appointment on the 19th floor.

Oh? Nope. It was
on the 11th floor.

But, well, you know,
four floors is one thing,

but going 12 floors for someone
else, that's a commitment.

[Laughs, Clears Throat] So,
how was the ballet last night?

I asked you that, didn't I?

Yeah, listen. This
old friend of mine...

A guy named Angie I
grew up with in New York...

I've never forgotten
his mother's cooking.

Well, by some wild
chance, she's come out here.

Mrs. Biamonte, his mother,
has opened up a restaurant.

I went there a
couple of nights ago,

and, Mary, it has, without a
doubt, the worst food in the world.

- [Laughs]
- So the point is, Mary,

how would you like to have
dinner with me someplace else?

[Clears Throat] Well,
uh, Mike, I'd love to.

But the thing is, I'm
just so very busy here.

Just, uh... Well, I know it
doesn't look busy here, you know.

Mm-hmm. But underneath,
where it's really very busy, it just...

Well, so much work, I
can't even think about it.

Well, if you should suddenly find
yourself free, why don't you call me?

I'll give you my number.
Good. Good. Good.

And, uh, if you should lose this
paper, don't worry. I'm in the book.

Okay. And if you should
lose the book, don't worry.

I'll call you.

Uh, Mike, thanks
for stopping by.

I, uh... Well, just
thanks for stopping by.

Yeah. So long.

So long.

Well, he seemed like a nice guy.

Yeah, he is. He
just asked me out.

Oh? Of course I said no. I
mean, he's Phyllis's friend.

Well, Phyllis's platonic
friend, you know, but still I...

[Clears Throat] Well, I'll
be in Editing if you need me.


That guy asked
Mary out, huh? Yeah.

I just hope he's not trying
to use her to get to me.


[Doorbell Buzzes]

Mary... [Sniffling] come in.

Hi. How are you feeling?

Oh, about the same.

Ah. Well, I got you
the magazines...

and the ice cream.

Oh, Mary, great. [Groaning]

Ever since I was a teeny, tiny,
little girl, whenever I'd get sick,

my mommy'd prop me up in bed and
bring me a lot of magazines and ice cream.

And now you brought me
magazines and ice cream.

Thank you, Mommy.

I got vanilla.

Thank you, Mommy.
I "wuv" vanilla.

Whenever I loved
something, I'd say I "wuv" it.

- [Laughs]
- But not just with vanilla.

Whenever I liked
something, I'd say I "wuved" it.

- [Laughing]
- Like I "wuv" candy.

I "wuv" licorice.

I "wuv" Daddy.

I "wuv" Mommy. Phyllis,
you're making me nauseous.

Uh, look, is there
anything else you need...

prescriptions, medicine,
anything like that?

- No, Mary.
- [Doorbell Buzzes]

That's probably Mike. Uh, Mike?

[Shouts] Come in, Mike!

Hey, hi, Mary. Hello.

Phyllis! Oh, hi, Mike.

I... I tried to call you at the
office, but you were gone.

I got the sniffles. [Laughing]

Oh, that's terrible. Poor thing.

I hate to have you miss
The Ring of Nibelung...

just 'cause dumb me
caught a dumb germ.

Hey, I got an idea. Why
don't you take Mary?

Oh, no. No. I was just about to
suggest the same thing myself.

No, thank you. Well, why not?

Mary, please. I'll feel
terrible if you don't go.

Well, okay. Well, good, good.

Hey, come on. We'd better go.
I know these Wagnerian operas.

They don't seat anybody
during the last six hours. Yeah.

Phyllis, I hope you feel
better. Oh, thank you.

Mary, can I see you for
a second? Yeah, sure.

Look, I'll bring the car
around front, okay? Okay.

- Mary?
- Mm-hmm.

Could you bring me back
something after the opera?

- Sure, Phyl. What do you want?
- Mike.

Operator, would you
ring that number again?

Oh, hello, Brenda?
Hi. It's Mary.

Is Rhoda there? Oh.

Do you know when she'll be back?

Uh-huh. No, no.
That's all right.

Just, uh, tell her
I called. Bye-bye.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

Well, that's... Don't get up,
Mary. No, no. Don't get up.

Uh, Rhoda lives in New York,
doesn't she? Yeah, Mr. Grant, she does.

Mary, why are you making
all these long-distance calls?

Well, Mr. Grant, it's just that
sometimes things happen in my life,

and I need to talk to
Rhoda; I need her advice.

Well, well, well, well.
Why don't you use me?

- [Laughing]
- Huh?

Mr. Grant, I'm sorry
to laugh. It's just...

It's the last thing in the
world I would talk to you about.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't
get up. Sit down. Sit down.

The last thing in the world
you'd talk to me about?

I'm your friend, right? Right.

And you're always talking to me about
"why don't I break away from this thing?"

About "men are only
good for some things,

and women are only
good for other things."

I mean, why does a
woman have to feel...

she can only confide in a woman?

Why can't she confide
in a man just as well?

Okay. All right, Mr. Grant.
I'm gonna give it a try.

I think I'm gonna be
sorry, but I'll give it a try.

Hey, Lou, do you
want to go to lunch?

I can't. Mary's
gonna confide in me.

Oh, yeah? What's the trouble?

Well, it's the kind of thing I
usually don't talk to men about.

But I knocked the pegs out from
under her, and now she's gotta.

Well, you know this guy Mike
who came to the news... room.

The friend of
Phyllis. Right, right.

He and I have gone out about four or
five times in the last couple of weeks,

and I'm beginning to
feel a little funny about it.

I mean, he's Phyllis's friend.

Well, how serious is it
between you and Mike?

Oh, no, it's not serious at all.

I mean, no. We're just friends.

- You mean, he's never
made a pass at you?
- No.

Well, maybe Ted was
right about that guy.

Now I know why women
never confide in men.

What? What? Hold it. Hold it.

Sit down, Mary.


I've been listening outside
that door in silence...

long enough.

And you seriously believe
that a guy and a chick...

can go out five times
together and nothing happens?

I mean, do you? It
goes against nature.

Ted... Uh.

When the man upstairs
decreed that there

would be two kinds of
people in this world...

Male and female...
He did it for a reason.

Some people are squeamish
about saying what that reason is.

But I'm not afraid. I'll come right
out and say it. The reason is S-E-X.

That's why he made men and
women different from each other.

He wanted them to have S-E-X.

If he didn't want them to have
S-E-X, he'd have made us all the same.

That way, there would've been
just one kind of person in this world...

Flat all over.

- [Phyllis] Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Mary!
- Come in.

Mary, I've been meaning to
return these earrings for two weeks.

I'm sorry. Don't you just hate people
who borrow things and never return them?

Which reminds me. How's Mike?

- He's fine.
- Oh, good. Good.

[Laughing] Mary, do you
want to hear something funny?

This will really amuse you.

Do you remember when
you told me yesterday

that you and Mike were
going to that concert?

Mmm. Well, when I pictured
you and Mike at the concert,

swaying to the seductive strains
of Mahler's Kindertotenlieder...


Well, I actually felt a
little pang of jealousy.

Isn't that hysterical?

Hey, Phyl, you know, if you're upset
because Mike and I are seeing each other...

Upset? Mary, Mary.

Dear, funny, sweet, loony Mary.

I'm delighted that you and
Mike are hitting it off so well.

Oh, Mary, I wanted to ask you.
Are you doing anything later?

Yeah, I'm going out with Mike.

Oh, okay. Some other time.

Okay. [Door Closes]

Isn't that funny? I just
felt that same pang again.

It's the most
amusing phenomenon.

One minute you're
having this... this

civilized discussion
with your dearest friend,

and suddenly you have a primitive
urge to see her covered with honey...

and tied to an anthill.

[Laughing Continues]

[Laughing Stops]


Of course, I would never
ask you to stop seeing him.

I would never ask you
to. Never, never, never.

Phyllis, if you want to talk about
this, I'll talk about it with you.

But not as long as
you're acting this way.

Acting? Acting how, my dear?

Phyl, come on. For once in your
life, will you say what you mean?

Will you just talk plain?

Okay, cutie.

You want plain. I'm
gonna give you plain.

That dude isn't
gonna be interested...

in a cultural evening with a
happily married housewife...

when he's got
Action City, U.S.A.

Phyllis, if that's what's bothering
you, let me put your mind at rest.

My relationship with
Mike is totally platonic.

I mean totally.

Well, it's none of my business,

but I must say I am surprised.

Because even though
he knows I'm married,

off limits, verboten,
no parking here,

he's been so steamed up,

I was afraid I was gonna
have to hose him down.

[Laughs, Sighs]



Not really.

Isn't that pathetic?

How sad it is that I have to
make up these pathetic little lies...

to make it sound like
men find me irresistible.

Ah, Phyl, come on.

Mike obviously enjoyed
going out with you.

Well, I hope you're right, Mary.

Because these last few weeks
have been so important to me...

To have someone to dress up for.

Oh, I know I could
dress up for Lars,

but somehow it seems silly
to put on your best ensemble...

for a man who's walking around
the house with a sweatshirt...

that says, "I'd
rather be sailing."

Listen, I know how you feel.

You don't have anything to worry
about. Mike and I are not involved.

Oh, Mary, that makes
me feel so much better.

- Good.
- You were right, Mary.

We should always be
honest with each other.

Mm-hmm. Let's really be honest.

You know that stupid thing
women have about telling their ages?

- Let's tell.
- I'm 34.

Well, apparently
it's easy for you.

But, uh, now I'm going to tell
you my age for the first time,

and it isn't easy.

I am...

43 years old.

That's right, Mary, 43.

Aren't you gonna say something?

Boy, are you old.

Phyl, come on. I'm kidding.

[Doorbell Buzzes]

Hi. Hi.

I'll just get my coat and go.

Mary, would you mind very much
if we didn't go to a movie tonight?

No. No. To tell you the truth, I
think if I see one more French film...

about a sensitive schoolboy
who learns all about life...

from a voluptuous, yet
sensitive, older woman...

Who's his mother. Right.

Would you like a drink?
No, I don't think so.

Mary, would you mind very much
if I broke our date this evening?


Well, look. Something's come
up, and I don't have much time.

Can we talk? Yeah, sure.

Look, we've gone out four
or five times, right? Right.

You've probably wondered
why I haven't tried anything.

Oh, no... Yes, as a
matter of fact, I have.

Well, look, I used to go
with this girl named Sharon.

As a matter of fact, well, we
lived together for about three years.

You never tried anything
with her either? [Laughs]

Anyway, uh, we broke
up about a month ago.

That's when I started
going out with Phyllis.

I had hoped it would sort of take my mind
off of things, but, Mary, it hasn't worked.

I've been pretty
unhappy without Sharon.

And as it turns out, Sharon's
been pretty unhappy without me.

And, well, so we're
gonna get married.

Oh, Mike. Hey, that's wonderful.

Thanks, Mary. [Phyllis]

Have you told Phyllis?
No, I'll tell her right now.

Mary? Yeah, come in.

Hi, hi...

Mary, do you have
any dental floss?

Lars won't eat his dinner until he
knows he can floss when he finishes.

Yeah. I'll get some.

Come in. Come on.

Hi, Mike. How's tricks?

Hi, Phyllis. I want
to tell you something.

Oh? You remember my
mentioning Sharon, don't you?


Well, I saw her this afternoon,
and we straightened things out.

We're gonna get married.

Oh, Mike, how... nice.

Have you told Mary?
Yeah, I just told her.

Oh, poor Mary.

Poor, dear, brave, gallant Mary.

Here's your floss.

Well, uh, look, you
know, I'd better be going.

Uh, Mary, Sharon's
waiting for me.

- Okay.
- So...

Well, Mike, I just hope
that you and Sharon...

will be as happy
in your marriage...

as Lars is in mine.

Thanks. And, Mary, I'd just like to
say that if it hadn't been for Sharon...

Oh, thanks. No, no. I want
to say it. I think you're terrific.

- Phyllis?
- Yes, Mike?

Phyllis, there are no
words to describe you.

[Giggles] Thank you.

Well, look, maybe someday
we'll... we'll all get together.

Sure. Someday you and Sharon,
Phyllis and I can go dancing.

So long. Good-bye.

Oh, Mary, you poor, dear,
sweet, brokenhearted sparrow.

Brokenhearted? Mary,
don't try to hide the pain.

I know how deeply
you cared for Mike.

Phyl, come on. I told you. Mike
and I were just friends. That's all.

Mary, don't try to be brave. Come
on. You can cry on my shoulder.

It's just an inexpensive
Celanese Fortrel. Oh.

Phyllis. [Laughs]

In your own peculiar way, you
really care about me, don't you?

Care about you,
Mary? Oh, I "wuv" you.

I've been thinking. You know
that platonic relationship...

that Lars and Phyllis
and Mike were having?

What do you call that...
open marriage? Yeah.

Well, maybe that would be a
good idea for a documentary.

You know, it might be.
[Murray] I don't like it, Lou.

Huh? No, I don't go for
the idea of married people...

dating other people on
a purely friendly basis.

Oh, come on, Murray. Hasn't there
ever been a woman in your life...

who was a friend and a companion
without any physical contact?

Yeah. My wife.

Oh, cute.