Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 7 - A New Sue Ann - full transcript

Mary receives a visit from sweet but timid Gloria Munson, the younger sister of her high school classmate, Carla Munson, who Mary can't remember for the life of her. Gloria is up front that the reason for her visit is that she wants to get into television, and thought Mary could help. Mary is equally as up front in telling her that there are no positions at the station, but she invites Gloria for a tour regardless. Her visit to the station does lead to a job on her idol Sue Ann's show as her stand-in and production assistant. But the minor job expands when she meets the womanizing station manager, Ed Schroeder, who has long suggested to Sue Ann that her show needs some changes. Gloria can't help but suggest some of those changes, especially when she demonstrates how to do them perfectly. Schroeder gives Gloria more and more on-air responsibility, because he has started dating her. Their relationship status makes Sue Ann believe that Gloria and Schroeder's end goal is for Gloria to take over the show. Sue Ann does whatever she has to to retain control of what she considers rightfully hers.

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♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Boy, Lou was right.

Shopping for wedding presents on
a Saturday afternoon is slow torture.



I think torture's supposed
to be slow, Murray.

What would be the
point of fast torture?

If it were anyone but Rhoda getting
married, I wouldn't have done it.

Well, she'll appreciate it, Murr.
Gee, I just hope she likes what we got.

Be a little difficult for her to fly back
to Minneapolis to exchange them.

[Chuckles] Oh, she'll
love everything, Mary.

Who wouldn't want silver
on their dining room table?

The Lone Ranger.

Isn't the wrapping exquisite?

It sure is. These
bows take forever to tie.

Now let's see. This is the silver nut
dish that I got from Mr. Grant to send her.

No, excuse me. I
think that is the nut dish.

Yeah, this is my wine coaster.
No, this is the wine coaster.

Uh... Or this...



Actually, I think the wrapping
was a little overdone, anyway...

[Doorbell Buzzes]

Hi. Hello.

Mary Richards? Yes?

I'm Gloria Munson... Carla
Munson's little baby sister?

Carla Munson's little sister.

Well, well.

I was like a hundred years
behind you at Roseburg High.

Roseburg High,
right. Carla Munson.

She told me to look you up
when I got to Minneapolis.

Well, and I'm glad you
did. Come on in. Thank you.

Uh, I'd like you to meet Georgette
Franklin and Murray Slaughter.

This is Gloria Munson. She was a
hundred years behind me in school.

Hiya, Gloria.

Sit down. Thank you.

I-I didn't mean to interrupt anything. Uh,
did you just have a birthday or something?

Oh, no. They're wedding presents
for a friend who's getting married.

Ah. Half my class
is already married.

I'm like the old maid, you know?

Right.

Carla Munson. How is she?

- Oh, exactly the same.
- Good, good, good.

Listen, I gotta get home.
Thanks for the help, Mar.

Yeah, thank you. Hey, uh,
when is Rhoda getting married?

Two weeks. Oh, perfect.

Georgette might just have
those presents rewrapped by then.

Nice seeing you, Gloria. Nice
meeting you too, Mr. Slaughter.

You know who else told me
'bout you? Mrs. Northshiel.

My old English
teacher. Oh, my. Right.

Your biggest fan
at Roseburg High.

"Mary Richards this"
and "Mary Richards that."

- She never stopped talking
about you.
- Oh. How is she?

Dead.

Mary, is that good enough? Oh,
gee, Georgette. That's perfect.

I mean, I'd never even
know it had been unwrapped.

Listen, you better mark it right
away so we remember which one it is.

Would you like a cup of coffee?
Oh, no, thanks. I can't stay.

Mary, I didn't mean to
bother you at home. I...

Well, I just wanted to
ask you about your work.

Aha. You wanna get
into television, right?

That's why I looked you up.

Carla said you were the one everybody
turned to when they needed help.

And I really need help.

Well, Gloria, I'd love to help, but there
just aren't any jobs open at WJM right now.

Oh, I know. There are
no jobs open anywhere.

Well, I tell you what. Why don't you come
in Monday, and I'll show you around anyway.

Oh, would you do that? Sure.

Oh, wow. Oh, just... just to see the inside
of a TV station would be such a kick.

W-Well, shall I call
you, or-or what?

No, why don't you just come
in about 11:00. How's that?

Oh, fine. Oh, gee. Thanks,
Mary. Oh, good-bye, Miss Franklin.

- Bye.
- Gee, you're super.

Oh, come on.
Just like Carla said.

All right. But listen, I'm not
promising anything, huh? Okay.

Still, I can't turn down
Carla Munson's sister. Bye.

Who is Carla Munson?

Uh, say, I forgot to ask you,
Mary. What did I get Rhoda?

Oh, a beautiful silver nut dish.

A nut dish? Yeah.

You mean, like on a bar with
peanuts? That kind of nut dish?

Then a guy on
the next stool says,

"How 'bout shovin' that down this way,
Mac, so somebody else can have a few?"

- That kind of nut dish?
- No, not exactly.

No, this is a
beautiful silver dish...

with a tiny delicate
engraving of a leaf on one side.

Very delicate. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Well, the one on my bar is
nicer. It has a picture of Mr. Peanut.

Morning, people. Lou?

Are you available for a
brief tête-a-tête entre nous?

Sue Ann, how come your
talk always sounds like food?

Fudge. I need some
advice. [Grunts]

The station manager thinks
my show needs improvement.

Hmm. [Chuckles]

I knew you'd all
laugh when I told you.

Lou, how do I get
him off my back?

Well... Station manager, huh?

Well, I know Ed
Schroeder pretty well.

He's always had a
weakness for the ladies.

If I were you, Sue Ann...

[Chuckles] Well, you don't
wanna hear my suggestion.

[Door Closes] Dear Lou.

Dear cryptic, bashful,
dirty-minded Lou.

I suppose I owe him the courtesy
of listening to his vile suggestion.

Hi, guys. Hi, Ted.

What do you think
of the cleft in my chin?

I noticed it was washing
out under the studio lights,

so I darkened it
with a ballpoint pen.

Looks like your face has
a little blue belly button.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Mr. Slaughter.

Gloria, hi. Am I too early?

No, no. Not at
all. [Clears Throat]

Gloria, this is Ted Baxter.

Ted Baxter. I watch
you every night.

How come there's
ink on your chin?

He had squid for breakfast.

Who, uh... Who is
this charming child?

This is Gloria Munson.
She'd like to get into television.

Well, you've come to
the right place, Gloria.

Well, Ted, actually I already told
her that we have no job openings.

All I want is a chance.

Well, I might be able
to pull a few strings.

I'll do the lowest
kind of unskilled work.

Watch it, Ted. Competition.

Lou, you should be ashamed
of yourself. And thanks.

- Sue Ann Nivens.
- [Mary] You know Sue Ann?

She's my idol, my absolute
favorite television personality.

I don't believe I've met this
adorable and perceptive youngster.

Sue Ann, this is Gloria Munson.
She's looking for a job, but...

Is there any chance that... well, that I
could watch you tape a show, Miss Nivens?

In person? I never miss it.

I even watch your reruns. I've
seen your pêche flambé six times.

And I know your
dumplings by heart.

Who doesn't?

[Laughing]

Oh, Murray.

Murray, with your sly wit, it's a wonder
you never became more successful.

Miss Nivens? Oh,
call me Sue Ann.

Well, may I watch
you, please? Certainly.

Is it all right,
Mary? Yeah, sure.

Perhaps I can help. I think
television needs bright young women.

Look at me.

And even, to a
certain extent, Mary.

This is like meeting royalty!
It's all a wonderful dream.

A whole chapter for my diary!

Oh, Miss Nivens?

Wouldn't you love to be that
age again? I don't think I ever was.

[Man On P.A.] Okay,
Gloria. That's it for now.

Okay. Thanks, Mr. Wilson.
Cameras back at 2:00.

Gloria, hi. Hi.

Sue Ann told me she gave you a
job as her stand-in. That's terrific.

Thought I'd just come down and see how
you're doing. Oh, it is all so exciting.

I'm not just Sue Ann's stand-in. She
lets me help her out in every way I can.

Yeah? This morning, I
peeled onions, cleaned a fish,

scoured the oven
and unclogged a drain.

Wow. Oh. Oh, Mary.

Isn't show business
just wonderful? Yeah.

Hi, Mary. Oh, hi.

Hello, Mary. Ed, I'd like you to
know my new stand-in, Gloria Munson.

Gloria, this is Mr. Schroeder,
WJM's station manager. Hello, Gloria.

Oh, it's such an honor to
meet you, Mr. Schroeder.

Wow, you look so young to
have such an important job.

Well, I'm not all that young.

Ed's been making
some more suggestions.

Oh? What kind of suggestions? I thought
Sue Ann's show was very successful.

Yeah, it is, Mary,
but you can't rest on

yesterday's laurels. The
public demands change.

You must have found
that on your show.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. We try to
change the news almost every night.

Listen, I gotta get going.
I just wanted to say...

I think it's terrific the way
things are working out.

Sue Ann, I feel that your show needs
some changes, some new elements.

Frankly, Jane Q. Public
is getting a wee bit tired...

of the same old
household hints every day.

The same old hi...
The same old hints?

Here's what I'm doing today.

Tell me if these sound
like the same old hints.

"Lemon juice your knickknacks"?

"New life for your squeegee"?

"Moisten your suction cups"?

"Kiss soap-dish jelly good-bye"?

Same old hints. [Scoffs]

Mr. Schroeder, I know it's
not my place to say anything,

but I think Sue Ann's
show is just wonderful,

and I think you should be
proud to present it on your station.

What a sweet, generous,
accurate thing to say.

Of course, I'm sure
there's not a TV show in

the world that couldn't
stand a few changes.

What sort of changes?
Well, since you ask, Sue Ann,

I was thinking this morning,
"Wouldn't it be terrific"...

Oh, you don't wanna
hear this. That's right, dear.

No, no. Please. Go
ahead. I'd like to hear it.

Well, with everyone so concerned
with physical fitness these days,

why don't we demonstrate
some calisthenics for housewives?

That's very interesting. As a matter of
fact, it might appeal to the male audience.

After all, men love to watch
an attractive girl do gymnastics.

Marvelous idea, Gloria.

I'll just lower the neckline
on my leotards and...

What sort of exercises
did you see me doing?

Oh, something simple like this.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

Wait a minute. I
have got a terrific idea.

Sue Ann, you can describe the
exercises and Gloria can demonstrate them.

On the air? Me? Oh,
no. Of course. Oh, yes.

Why don't you both work up
something for tomorrow's show?

But... Trust me.
It's gonna be terrific.

Bye, Gloria. Good-bye.

Oh! I can't believe it.

I'm actually going to be
on television tomorrow.

Oh, what do you think I
should do for my first exercise?

What about a headstand?

You mean, you... you just
want me to stand on my head?

No. I wanna stand on your head.

[Knocking] Come in.

Hi, Sue Ann. Hi, Mary.

Listen, I can't stay long.
Something's come up at the newsroom.

Uh, what did you
wanna talk to me about?

Mary, did you know the best time to
cut a flower is when the bud turns soft?

Uh, no, no. I didn't. What, uh,
did you wanna talk to me about?

Well, just that Ed Schroeder
now feels that that exercise spot...

works better with Gloria
doing the whole thing.

Oh. So you mean, as well as demonstrating
them, she'll be describing them too.

Yes. Did you know a lump of sugar
will make your rosebuds open faster?

No, I didn't.

Sue Ann, why do you
keep changing the subject?

Because I'm
arranging flowers, dear.

If I concentrate on these aromatic
blooms, I can create a floral fantasy.

Whereas if I think about Gloria, I'm
apt to rip their smelly little heads off.

Sue Ann.

Look, I think I
understand how you feel.

Mary, let me fill you in.

Three days ago, he
met her for the first time.

The next day, he
took her to lunch.

Last night, he
took her to dinner.

Today, he's been calling her
repeatedly on the telephone.

Aha. So she's sort of
become his, uh, protégé?

[Chuckling] Oh, Mary.
How well you put things.

His "protégé." I
do like that word.

"Protégé." From the French,
meaning "Your place or mine?"

Little Miss Muffet
is after my job.

Oh, come on, Sue Ann.
Why does that have to follow?

All right, so she's dating
the program manager.

So they become good friends,
very good friends, assuming they do.

All right, all right.
Let's say they do.

Let's assume that she is
doing... what you think she's doing.

Why does that necessarily
mean she's gonna get your job?

How do you think I got it?

This is delicious,
Mary. Thank you.

What's it called? I don't think it
has a name. It's just a casserole.

It's wonderful. I love
chicken and zucchini.

Georgette, this doesn't have
either chicken or zucchini in it.

I know, but I love them,
and I also love this,

so this reminded me of them.

Gotcha.

- When are you going
to Rhoda's wedding?
- What reminded you of that?

That was a new thought.

I leave Friday after work. Either Mr. Grant
or Murray will drive me to the airport.

If I were you, I'd have them
both do it, just for the company.

I'm afraid of flying.

- I once had a very bad
experience in an airplane.
- What happened?

It took off.

That's why I don't think I'll be
able to go to Rhoda's wedding.

Oh, Georgette.
Flying is perfectly safe.

Don't you realize more accidents
happen in the bathroom than in planes?

[Doorbell Buzzes] Really.

Gee, Mary. If that's true, how come
they don't sell bathroom insurance?

Sue Ann. Hello, Mary. I
hope I'm not disturbing you.

No, not at all. Come in.
What brings you here?

I'm bugged, and I need
to talk to somebody. Okay?

Yeah, sure.

Hello, Georgette. Hi, Sue Ann.

That looks good. What is it?

Not zucchini.

Would you like some?
Oh. No, thanks, dear.

As a rule, I enjoy amateur food,

but I... I'm just too upset.

- Schroeder's finally done it.
- [Mary] What now?

Tomorrow, in addition
to a regular exercise spot,

Gloria will also be giving a
little baking demonstration.

Why is Mr. Schroeder giving her
her own baking spot on your show?

I don't know, dear. Perhaps
he has a weakness for tarts.

Sue Ann, have you
spoken to Mr. Schroeder?

Fat lot of good that would do.

I'm out, Mary.
Finished. Washed up.

Aw, no, Sue Ann.
I don't believe that.

She's a-a... an inexperienced
23-year-old kid. Come on.

Look, personal feelings aside, Ed
Schroeder is the station manager,

and he's not about to make a star out
of someone who's totally incompetent.

Of course not. He's
the one who hired Ted.

[Gloria On TV] The secret of zabaglione
tarts is to make the crust flaky as snow.

I'm sorry. I've gotta
turn the sound down.

I just can't listen to her. I
think she's flaky as snow.

What is Sue Ann
doing during all this?

She's helping. See, those are her
hands passing the ingredients to...

See the ones with the
very white knuckles?

Know something? You're right.
It's better with the sound off.

Sure. Besides, I... I can give
you a play-by-play. [Clears Throat]

With her left hand, she's
stirring some funny white glop...

with a wire thing
that has loops.

Now, with her right hand,
she's pouring the glop...

into a lot of little funny
things that look like falsies.

Pastry shells, Ted.

Correction, I'm informed the technical
term for falsies is "pastry shells."

- [Clicks Off]
- I just can't believe it.

Gloria seemed so sweet.

Well, not to me. I spotted Gloria
the minute she walked in here.

Something about her
looked phony to me.

Maybe she was
wearing pastry shells.

You know, what I can't figure out is
what that dummy Schroeder sees in her.

[Scoffs] I mean, I know
he's the boss around here,

but I saw the show
with my own eyes.

In my own objective
opinion, Gloria was awful.

Good. Awfully good.
Wasn't she, guys?

Wasn't she
something, that Gloria?

Listen, there's gonna be a
celebration down on the set,

and I want you all to be there.

Right behind you, chief.

Ed, have you tasted these? Gloria
made them all herself. Have one.

They look wonderful.
They're napoleons.

And after all, you
are our emperor.

Long live the emperor.

Ah, I'm so glad you could
all come to our little party.

People, you must try some of Gloria's
creations. Have some croquembouche.

Oh, just my luck. I had
croquembouche for breakfast.

Mary, isn't Gloria's
pastry delicious?

You know something, Sue Ann?
You're being... more than sportsmanlike.

- [Lou] Yeah, you got
a lot of class, Sue Ann.
- A champ.

Really, you're being
terrific. Just terrific.

I'm impressed. Me too.

What are you up to?

Mary, can't you just accept the
fact that I'm bowing out gracefully?

No.

Folks at WJM,

I guess it's no secret
that a star was born today.

It's no secret a
star was born today.

Which of course is not to take anything
away from our own Sue Ann Nivens,

who has always done a super job.

Always done a super job.

Right. Personally, I
do not believe that a

show can operate
efficiently with two stars.

Efficiently with two stars.

So here's my solution.

Maybe our station is
better off without stars.

After all, if we've got good people working
together as equals, who needs stars?

Let's just do away with stars.

Schroeder, you're making a
fool of yourself over a broad.

Oh, boy.

What is it? I ate that
what-do-you-call-it too fast.

Think I gave myself
a real bellyache.

Oh, Murr. That's too bad.
I'll get you some bicarbonate.

Oh, thanks. [Sighs]

Did you eat that
"mogenbouche" thing?

We all ate different
things, Lou. Why?

I don't feel so good. Me either.

Is it sort of like you...
swallowed a hot mitten?

More like a percolator.

And are your knees shaky?

And I'm sweatin' behind
the ears. What is it?

Maybe we're in love.

Here you go, Murr.
Drink it all down.

Thanks, Mar.

On second thought,
save some for me.

You too? Mm-hmm.

[Exhales]

Good news, people.

I think we got food poisoning.

- From what?
- Cream fillings.

Apparently, they
were left unrefrigerated.

Everybody's got it? Everybody.

You should see Ed Schroeder.

It's all the poor lamb
can do to lift his head...

and scream at Gloria.

♪ When the red, red robin Comes
bob, bob, bobbin' along Along ♪

[Chuckling] Come on,
guys. It's magic time.

Mustn't keep my public waiting.
We can't afford to lollygag.

Don't say "gag," Ted.

You know something, Sue Ann?
Suddenly I'm getting this awful suspicion.

Don't blame Gloria, Mary.

The child's a
neophyte. She's green.

She's not the only one.

It's an understandable accident.

Hot lights will make
cream go bad like that.

You mean, Gloria made the
mistake of not refrigerating the cream?

No. Gloria made the
mistake of asking me to do it.

Sue Ann! You knew, and you stood
there, and you let us eat that cream.

Mary, I ate it too... [Laughs]
for the good of the show.

After all, as I said
to Gloria just now,

bending down to where
she was lying under the sink,

"If you can't stand the heat,
dear, get out of my kitchen."

Ow.

Well, food poisoning
or no food poisoning,

I've never yet missed our show.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lou, but
it only lasts a few hours.

Good evening. This
is Ted Baxter with

headlines and deadlines
from around the world.

Washington: In a statement on
the economy released early today,

President Ford said...

Uh-oh.

Boy, I love Fridays. I'm even looking
forward to the drive to the airport,

especially after the
way I felt last night.

I know. Suppose that had happened today. I
wouldn't have been able to go to New York.

- I would have
missed Rhoda's wedding.
- Don't worry.

If you didn't show up, Rhoda
would postpone the wedding.

You ready? Yeah.
But listen, Mr. Grant.

You don't both have to
drive me to the airport.

I wanna go. They got a
great bar at the airport.

I wanna check
out their nut dish.

Well, Mar. Off to
the airport, eh? Yup.

Well, have fun in Fun
City. Thank you, Ted.

I just can't get over having that
thing hit me last night right on camera.

But if I do say so myself, I
think I covered pretty well.

I doubt if anyone
even knew I was sick.

Except for that one time you
looked into the camera and yelled,

"If there is a doctor within the
sound of my voice, please help."

Oh, hi, Mary. I
see you're off. Yup.

Now, you have fun at
that wedding. Oh, thanks.

And don't forget to kiss
all the ushers for me.

Sue Ann, you don't kiss
the ushers in a wedding.

Mary, dear, don't tell me
how to have fun at a wedding.

[Mews]