Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 24 - Anyone Who Hates Kids and Dogs - full transcript

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

[Typing]

- Ted, what are you doin'?
- I'm having some new
publicity shots taken.



Since when do you smoke a pipe?

I don't. I bought it
for the photo session.

Do I look like Cronkite?
[Camera Shutter Clicks]

Actually, more like Mammy Yokum.

Lou, don't go in your office. You're
gonna miss Mary coming back from lunch.

Well, maybe you can tell
me what it was like later.

Lou, you know that guy she's been
going out with the past four months?

The guy who we think she's kind of
serious about? I think he may be with her.

I'll stick around.

Mary is serious with somebody?

Look, that's a wrap, and
don't forget what I told you.

You mean, about
the dimples? Right.

You don't have any
dimples. I will now.

What? What? Okay.



We're all anxious to meet this
guy that's been taking Mary out.

Out of fairness to Mary, let's try
not to make her feel uncomfortable.

You didn't look at Murray
once when you said that.

Ted, when there's a fire, you
don't aim your hose at the hydrant.

Indeed not. Mm-hmm.

So why don't you get lost,
Ted? But I wanna see him!

Ken, that was really a
great lunch. Thank you. Sure.

Look, Mary's guy is broken.

Ken Arnett, I would like you
to meet Murray Slaughter,

Lou Grant and Ted Baxter. Hello.

How are you? Good to meet you.

Heard a lot about you.
How'd you break the old wing?

My dog did it. I was
getting out of my car, and

he jumped up and slammed
the door on my hand.

Wouldn't it have been better if you
taught him to roll over and play dead?

Uh... Uh, listen, I wanna go over a
few things with you guys in my office.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's nice
meeting you, Ken. Same here.

- Ted, aren't you coming
into my office?
- No.

So, Mary, this is the guy you've
been seeing all this time, eh?

Well, I... I approve.

Set your hook, cast
your line and reel him in.

Listen, I... I guess you
two wanna be alone.

I'm not gonna say another word.

Just pretend I'm not here. In fact, you
can even talk about me if you want to.

Okay, then I'll see you and Stevie
at my place about 7:00 tomorrow.

Okay. Right. Stevie? Who's
Stevie? I don't know any Stevie.

Stevie is my son, Ted.

You're going out with a married
guy, Mary? No, Ted. Divorced.

Oh. Split city, huh?
Well, that's too bad.

- Listen, it's no disgrace
to be divorced these days.
- [Mary] Ted!

Just because his first
marriage didn't work

out doesn't mean he's
gonna botch it up again.

I think I better get
going, Mary. Okay.

Listen, I'm a little
nervous about meeting

Stevie tomorrow. I
mean, I hope he likes me.

Not only will he like you, but meeting
you will make his voice change.

- Bye.
- Nice talkin' to you, Ken.

Oh, yeah.

Ted. [Clears Throat]

Do you trust me?

Well, sure, I trust you, Mary.

Then, Ted, would you
take off your left shoe?

Wha... Oh. Okay. [Chuckling]

Okay. Now would
you take off your sock?

Okay. [Giggling]

And listen very, very
carefully to me now. Okay.

Ted, the next time you
see me talking to somebody,

and you think of something to
say that would be appropriate...

or add to the conversation,

I want you to take that sock
and stuff it down your throat.

What about the shoe?

[Doorbell Buzzes]

[Bell Dings]

Hi, Mary. Hi.

This is Stevie. Steve,
this is Mary Richards.

- Hi, Stevie.
- Hi.

- Oh, this is for you.
- Oh! Thank you.

Uh, Mary, uh...

Yeah. Come on in. I just, uh,
have to turn my oven down.

Son, why don't you sit down over
there and make yourself comfortable?

Okay?

Everything's going
great. Yeah, I think so.

Naturally, there's bound to be tension
with you meeting my son for the first time.

Oh, Ken, I'm so glad you said
that. It really takes the pressure off.

Now I know everything's
gonna be all right.

Hey, what's that lousy smell?

That's dinner.

Uh, Stevie, uh, listen.

I think you're really
gonna like what I'm fixing.

It's the first time I ever
made it from scratch.

And you know what it is? Pizza.

- Yuck!
- Hey, Stevie! Don't say "yuck" to Mary.

But I don't like pizza.
I don't like it either!

But you don't hear me say
"yuck" to Mary. Now apologize.

Sorry.

No, that's okay. It's all right.

Mary. Yeah?

It's really going so
well, considering.

Oh, by the way, that thing
about the pizza? I didn't mean it.

- I was just trying
to make a point.
- Oh. Okay.

I'll tell you what... you and I will have
the pizza, and I'll fix Stevie a hamburger.

Oh, yeah, but I sort of
really wanted you two to, uh...

Well, I just wanted tonight
to be something special.

- A cheeseburger?
- Mary, I don't mean that.

I just don't want you
spending all night in the kitchen.

I really would like you two to get
to know each other. Hey, listen!

Stevie loves hockey. Now, there's
a restaurant called the Hockey Puck.

It's run by an old goalie.

He comes to your table
and shows you his scars.

Oh. Sounds fun.

Yeah, it's awful. But
we'll have a terrific time.

Stevie will love you,
and you'll love him.

Hey, Ken, I love kids.

And if you just let it happen,

I'm sure Stevie and I are
gonna get along just fine.

Just... You know, I don't want
to feel that I'm taking a test.

Mary, a test? I'm not
giving you any test.

Anyway, what are you worrying
about? You're passing with flying colors.

Hey, Stevie. Guess what.

Your dad has a terrific idea.

Instead of having dinner here, the three of
us are gonna go to this great restaurant.

Hey, Stevie. Would you put
the comic book down, son?

Mary's trying to
tell you something.

Well, I guess I said, uh,
what it was that I had to say.

Mary?

It's really going better
and better. Yeah.

Hey, Lou.

Do me a favor and help
me pick out the right picture.

I'm not crazy about this one.

I have sort of a faraway look.

Not far enough.

Hey, this is a great one.

See how he captured that thoughtful
look, like an idea just occurred to me?

He must have used
a time exposure.

Come on, Lou. Help me
pick out the right pictures.

You know, those pictures
aren't bad. What'd they cost you?

Nothin'. You're kidding.

No. I asked him,
"What do I owe you?"

And he said, "Just give me
whatever you feel like paying me."

Hey, does anybody know
what's the matter with Mary today?

What do you mean? Well,
I just took her to lunch.

When I asked her what she wanted to
eat, she said, "What's the difference?"

Maybe she just wasn't hungry.

And then, right in the
middle of her diet plate,

she looked up at me and said,
"You know something, Murray?

Life isn't a bowl of cherries."

Hey, that's pretty
rough talk for Mary.

She does sound a little upset,
but I wouldn't call it serious.

Well, Lou, I haven't
told you the worst.

All during lunch, her
blouse wasn't tucked in.

Mary untucked?

Yeah, and when I mentioned
it to her, she left it untucked.

She's really upset.

Upset? She's going
to hell on a handcart.

Hi. Hi.

- Mary!
- Mr. Grant.

- Your hair looks nice.
- Thank you.

- Yeah, what do you call
the way you got it?
- Combed?

Yeah. Yeah. Suits you.

Thank you.

Hard as it is to believe,
I've had my down days too.

Ted, I'm going to be fine. No,
no, no. You can't be too sure, Mary.

I mean, sometimes you can't
wait for these things to pass.

You gotta get out
there and fight 'em.

You know what my mom says?

"Tears are the river that sweep
away the mud of sadness."

I guess every mother in the whole
world has said that at one time or another.

- Did your mom ever
say that to you, Mary?
- No!

- What did she say?
- I don't know.

"Brush your teeth."

Well, that's good too.

See, the point my mom
was trying to make was that...

if you let out your emotions,

it stops hurting.

So, Mary, why don't you put your
pretty little chin on my shoulder...

and cry your heart out?

Well, Ted, thank you. That's
very nice of you. It'll really help you.

No, I'm really not that upset.

If you're worried about tears
falling on my $140 jacket, forget it.

No, Ted, it's not that. I
want to do this for you, Mary.

Ted, really, I'm
sorry. No. Please!

Ted, will you lay off?

- Did it make you feel
any better, Mary?
- No!

I know what it is.

You're afraid to
open up to a man.

What you need is another woman.

I'm gonna find you somebody that's
warm, compassionate and understanding.

Oh, Sue Ann! Say, would you do
me a favor? Mary's really got the blahs.

Would you help her
until I find somebody

that's warm, compassionate
and understanding?

Sue Ann, I don't need any help.

I don't know why Ted finds
it so hard to understand...

that there are things that people
just don't want to talk about sometimes.

I understand, dear.

What sort of things?

Sue Ann, I really don't
want to talk about it.

Mary, you help everyone
with his problems.

You get a lot of credit
for it too... affection even.

Now, you must help
me prove that I can be...

a giving, understanding,
sympathetic person like you.

If you don't, I'll turn on
you like that. [Fingers Snap]

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

Sue Ann, what are you doing?

I'm removing stubborn
rust stains from your sink.

If you're going to
snare him, you have to

prove that you're a good
homemaker for Stevie.

Now, Sue Ann, why would I
be interested in snaring him?

I mean, aren't we
past that point?

I mean, that whole idea that
women are out to snare men.

I mean, Sue Ann, aren't
we finally past that notion?

No!

Mary, have you ever tried to
relate to Stevie on his own level?

- Yes!
- That's your mistake.

Why? Sue Ann,
children are people.

They have minds and
interests and lives of their own.

Of course they do, dear,

but their lives are boring
and their interests are dull.

I mean, what do
they do at that age?

They scuff their shoes.
They wear out their clothes.

They wipe their
noses on their sleeves.

They're just marking
time till puberty.

[Chuckling] Now,
that's interesting!

No, you don't relate to
children. You handle them.

[Doorbell Buzzing] Well, I'm sorry,
Sue Ann, but I don't agree with that.

Steve! Hi. Hi.

Where's your father?
He's coming from work.

My Aunt Helen
dropped me off. Oh!

Well, Steve, uh, I'd like
you to meet Sue Ann Nivens.

She comes in twice a
week to scour my stains.

Hello, Stevie. Would you
like some cookies and milk?

Nah, I'm too old
for cookies and milk.

Oh. How 'bout some
Fritos and a beer?

Sue Ann, uh, you
really don't have to stay.

Oh, that's all right, dear. I haven't
quite finished over there anyway.

You and Steve just go right
on forging your relationship.

What are you reading there?

Comic book. What's it about?

I don't know. That's
why I'm reading it.

The Fantastic Blob. Huh.

Is he a good guy or a bad guy?

They don't give bad guys
their own comic books.

Right. Of course they don't.
I should have realized that.

I used to like comic
books when I was your age.

I used to love Wonder
Woman. Do you know her?

Sure.

I used to love the way she'd ward
off bullets with her golden bracelets.

Gee, every month I couldn't
wait for the next issue to come out.

Oh, I remember this one story...

when Egg Fu, her archenemy,

had her trapped in this
giant mustache of his,

and he had her tied up in
one end of the mustache.

And in the other end of the
mustache was her boyfriend...

What was his name? Steve Trevor.

Right.

Right. Well, anyway, just before
Egg Fu was about to crush them both,

Wonder Woman
worked her arm free...

and twirled her magic
lasso around his head...

and she cracked him
into a thousand pieces.

And the world was safe for democracy once
again. I just thought it was wonderful.

- Do you like Wonder Woman?
- Nah, she's too butch.

Well, another week, another
$834.67, after deductions.

You earned every penny, Ted...
not the dollars, just the pennies.

[Chuckling] Well, I'm off.

Yeah.

It's been a good week for news.

Some good human interest,
couple of juicy scandals...

and just enough disasters to be
interesting without being depressing.

Good work, Murr.

You coming, Mar? Yeah.

I hope you have a good
weekend. Thanks. You too.

I got a big one planned. Marie
and I are gonna look at a new car.

- Oh, yeah? What are you getting?
- I'm not. My neighbor got one.

- We're gonna pack a lunch
and go look at it.
- Uh-huh.

Come in.

Um,

could I hang out with
you for a little while?

Yeah.

Can, uh... Can I
get you anything?

I don't know. What do you have?

Oh, you're in luck.

I have a raspberry
LifeSaver. Oh, good.

- Ah, wait. No. It's your last one.
- I'll tell you what.

You take the last of the LifeSavers,
I'll take the last of the scotch.

Think I'm getting
the best of it.

You're not kiddin'. That
LifeSaver's older than this scotch.

Am I keeping you from anything?

Well, actually I had a poker
game in about five minutes.

Oh, well... No, no. That's all
right. Finish your LifeSaver.

Oh, Mr. Grant.

It's so safe in here, you know?

It's so crazy out there.

What's the trouble?

Well, I'm going with
this guy. Ken. Mm-hmm.

And he's really terrific. He's one of
the best men I've met in a long while.

But he's got this blind
spot about his son.

- What's that?
- He likes him.

- And you don't.
- Oh, no, it's not that.

Of course it is. That's
your whole problem, Mary.

You can't say something
negative about anybody.

You don't like the kid. You
can't say something negative.

- Yes, I can.
- Okay, Mary.

Say something negative about me.

Okay. You know
what's wrong with you?

You can't say anything
positive about somebody.

- I can too.
- Yeah? Okay, say something
positive about me.

No, no, no, no.

No, no. I'm not gonna say
anything positive about you...

until you say something
negative about me.

Come on. Come on.

Okay. All right. Okay?

I don't like the way you dress.

You wear baggy
pants. The tie is narrow.

They haven't been
wearing narrow ties since...

The collar's... Mary, the
deal was one negative thing.

Well, I thought clothes came
under the heading of one thing.

Pants is one thing.

Okay. You think
my pants are baggy.

Aw, Mr. Grant. Come on. No, no.
That's okay. That's okay. I asked ya.

And I did it for a reason.

I think you should be that
honest with the boy's father.

If you can do it with me,
you can do it with him.

And believe me,
he'll respect you for it.

Okay. Thank you.

Yeah.

Wait a minute!

You never said anything
positive about me.

You have really good judgment...

about a lot of things.

- I care what you think.
- Thanks, Mr. Grant.

Or else why would I be so upset by
your vicious remark about my pants?

[Hammering]

Okay. Not too bad for a
one-armed paperhanger.

Gee, you really went to a lot of
trouble. I hope Stevie doesn't suspect.

No way! His Aunt Brenda
took him to the movies.

This is gonna be the
biggest surprise of his life.

Stevie's not back yet. Oh, good.

I brought the ice cream.

Uh, Mary, this is my
ex-mother-in-law, Ethel Kendricks.

Ethel, this is Mary Richards.

- It's very nice to meet you.
- Same here.

Well, I'll take this
to the refrigerator,

and then I'll, uh, put
the candles on the cake.

You know, it just
occurred to me.

This party might not be
too comfortable for you...

since I've invited, uh, so
many of my ex-wife's family.

Oh, no. Don't be silly.

I've been really looking forward
to meeting your ex-wife's family.

Well, it won't be all that bad.

After all, we all have
something in common. What?

We all love Stevie.

Yeah. It'd be tough
not to love him.

Such a wonderful kid, isn't he?

Don't you think? Huh?

Right, Mary? He
really is, isn't he?

Well... Stevie's not wonderful?

Well, Ken, here's what I think.

I think, um, that kids
are people, you know.

And, um...

Maybe it's just a phase that
Stevie's going through right now,

or maybe it's even a
phase that I'm going through.

Hey, Mary, you sound like
you don't even like Stevie.

Well, this is, you know,
a very hard thing to say.

No, no. Please...
Please say it. Okay.

Okay. I guess what
I'm trying to say is that...

That even though I realize that
things are gonna get better, you know,

and that probably
in a couple of days...

even I'm gonna just love Stevie,

right now I just
don't like Stevie.

Oh, excuse me.

- I don't believe
what I just heard.
- Oh.

You don't like Stevie?

You don't like a
12-year-old boy?

That stinks.

- Well, it's...
- Here we are. I hope we're not late.

Hi. I'm Stevie's Aunt
Helen. Hi. Mary Richards.

She says she doesn't like
Stevie. Doesn't like Stevie?

What kind of thing is that
to say? Who invited her?

Jack, this woman doesn't
like Stevie. What is she, a nut?

Well, I... What's the matter?

This one here says
she doesn't like Stevie.

Who is she?

Ken's girl. Oh.

So you had to get divorced.

Well, you had a
perfectly good wife...

who didn't hate your son.

- What have you got against
my grandson, you hussy?
- Well, I...

[Angry Chattering] Okay.
Okay. Hold it. Hold it!

Let's get this straight.

Mary is somebody I care about.

Now, she may not feel the same
way about Stevie that we all do,

but that's her opinion and she's
entitled to it, however wrong she is.

So I want everybody here to treat
her with courtesy and respect...

and to make her feel welcome.

I'm so glad you could come.

It's really been
pleasant. Thanks.

I love your
pantsuit. Oh, thanks.

Let's have lunch sometime.

Well, this is the one I
finally decided to go with.

Isn't it a great picture? Mmm.

I call it Portrait
of Ted Baxter.

Right. Like, uh, Dorian Gray.

As years go by, you're
gonna stay the same,

but your picture's
gonna get dumber.

Uh, Mr. Grant.

Did you dress that way because
of what I said about your clothes?

No. I'm going to a funeral.

[Mews]