Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 22 - You Can't Lose 'em All - full transcript

It's the time of the year for the Teddy Awards again. Ted, as usual, is stepping up his campaign to woo the Teddy Awards nominating committee and voters with his week long supposed deeds of do-gooding. Just before the nominations are to be announced, Lou hears through the grapevine that Ted didn't even get nominated this year. Lou wants Ted to hear the news from a friend rather than when the nominations are officially announced. Lou didn't however hear about who is being bestowed the Albert Mason Award, an award he despises both for its origins - Albert Mason being a crook who only originated the award as a tax write-off - and the fact that it is given to over-the-hill newspeople who have nothing left in their news careers. What ends up being worse for Lou than telling Ted he wasn't nominated is later learning himself that he is this year's Albert Mason Award winner. As disgusted as he is in being named the winner, Lou has another reason for not wanting the award: he's afraid of making public speeches. Lou thinks he has a way of getting over both hurdles in accepting the award.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Any word on nominations for
the Television Editors Award?

What, is it Teddy time
again? I nearly forgot.

Nothing in here, Lou. Hi, guys.

Ted, what are you
doing in so early?

My dear child, I've been
working through the night.

On what? You don't
know how to do anything.

Just a few letters I had to
get out on my correspondence.

These are all addressed
to television editors.

Why are you writing to them? Why
don't you read us one of Ted's letters?

- I wouldn't wanna just...
- That's okay. They're not sealed.

You can't get the bulk
rate if they're sealed.

"Dear Ed, I know you're not
supposed to criticize a critic,

"but I can no longer
refrain from telling you...

"that I consider you the most brilliant
reviewer in the Western Hemisphere.

"Your review of Tony Orlando
and Dawn will live in literature.

My hat's off to
brilliance. Ted Baxter."

- Ted, it won't work.
- It worked last year. I won, didn't I?

You're not gonna
win twice in a row.

People win twice in
a row. Lots of people.

That's the real test...
Winning twice in a row.

And after that... Impeachment.

After that, retirement.

Well, actually, I won't retire.

I'll just sort of become
a living legend.

I think you've got a pretty
good shot at that, Ted.

Mr. Grant, maybe you can
answer something for me.

Every year, the television
editors give something they call...

the Albert Mason Award for
Unforgettable Contribution to Broadcasting.

Every year, I wonder,
who was Albert Mason?

He was a crook...

who established the
award for a phony tax dodge.

Not only is it a phony
award, but they always

give it to somebody
who's over-the-hill.

That award marks the
end of your career. Hmm.

- Aha!
- What are you doing?

I'm writing in Ted's name
for the Albert Mason Award.

[Doorbell Buzzing] Who is it?

It's Georgette. Hi.

And Ted. Why?

We've brought
you some groceries.

Well, thank you, Ted. What for?

We just came from a
supermarket opening.

Ted cut the ribbon, and
they gave him all this.

And we have to go visit a
hospital. I don't wanna carry it.

Besides, generosity's
second nature with me.

Are you, uh, visiting anyone
in particular in the hospital,

or are you just, uh,

It's part of my campaign for the Teddy
Awards. I want people to think of me.

Uh-huh. Well, I'll certainly think of you,
Ted, every time I put out the garbage.

They also gave him
a bunch of balloons,

but Ted laid those on the
graves of the Civil War dead.

You are a real lifesaver,
Ted. You know that?

I mean, I would hate to be caught
with less than nine boxes of Raisin Bran.

- This is wonderful.
- Ted hates Raisin Bran.

He picks the raisins out with his
spoon and flicks them at the cat.

We have to go now, Ted.

The photographers are
waiting to photograph him. Right.

- What hospital
are you gonna visit?
- Maternity.

Ted wants to have his pictures
taken kissing a newborn baby.

Yeah. Then I saw a picture of one
of those things looks like. Whew!

Anyway, I'm gonna have a picture
taken shaking hands with one.


You wanted to see me? Shh!

What is it? Some
kind of trouble?

There's gonna be.
The roof is gonna fall in.

I just heard from a friend on
the Teddy Awards committee.

This year Ted isn't
even nominated.

How can that be? He spent
all week visiting the sick.

Which actually
did a lot of good.

He got them back on
their feet in record time.

I know, but his
competition topped him.

Whatever he did,
they did better.

If he visited the sick,
they visited the dead.

They topped him
up and down the line.

What about that
Albert Mason Award?

No. No, they
haven't decided it yet.

That's not a nomination. That's
bestowed, and Ted's too young for that.

It's never given to someone
who can still chew his own food.

Does Ted know that
he's not nominated?

No, and I don't want him
reading it in the paper.

One of us has
gotta break it to him.

Oh, well, yeah, one...
of us should do that.

We used to have a
saying in the army, Mary.

"It's better to volunteer
than be drafted."

We used to have a saying in
the pom-pom girls, Mr. Grant.

"Never date a guy in the band."

Well, I just want you to know you're
not the only one with those old sayings.

Okay, I'll tell him.

Ted? Yeah, Lou?

When you... When you have
a second, come in my office.

Just a second, Lou.

What do you want us to do?
You want us to stay or what?

No, I'd better do
it in private. Yeah.

And you don't know
anything about it.

Another thing: Let's play
down the awards this year.

What awards? Never heard of it.

Yeah, this whole
discussion never took place.

Hi, guys. [Together,
Slowly] Hi, Ted.

Hi, people. I am
absolutely delirious!

No kidding? What have you been
doing, sucking a fermented fig?

There were two
wonderful pieces of news.

I have been nominated
for a Teddy Award!

And no one else
at the station was.

Which includes you, dear,
and I feel terrible about it.

Lou wants me to
get another glass.

Must be good news. He wants to
propose a toast, probably about the awards.

Ted, the awards don't
mean a thing. Nothing.

What kind of sour
grapes is that?

I worked 20 years
for this award.

I baked and basted...

and fricasseed and hemmed
and flounced and flocked...

and puckered my little
fingers all for this lousy award.

Ohh! Don't tell me
it isn't wonderful.

Oh, it is, Sue Ann,
and you deserve it.

Ah. Thank you, dear. That's why
I was so anxious to tell you both.

It's just a nomination, but it's
closer than I've ever gotten before.

What category are you
in? Daytime Programming.

It's a broad grouping.
My competition is...

a religious program
and a bowling show.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Ah, you're a shoo-in.
Frankly, I'm a little worried.

The bowling show's a piece of
crud, but that hotshot priest's a killer.

Poor Ted.

Although I must say he
is taking it pretty quietly.

I know. Mr. Grant
must've told him by now.

[Clears Throat]

- Yes?
- I didn't say anything.

Oh. [Chuckling]

Say, Lou, this isn't
meant as a criticism,

because I really love
having these talks with you.

- Good. Good.
- But are you aware
of the fact...

that we've been sitting here now for five
minutes, and you haven't said anything?

No. Has it really been
five minutes? Yeah.

- Where does the time go?
- I know.


- You said you wanted
to tell me something.
- Right. Right.

Maybe you'll need this.

Don't you normally toast
good news with champagne?


Unless, of course,
it's bad news.

If it's bad news, Lou, I'd
rather not hear it. Ted...

I'm not strong, Lou. Some
people take bad news rather well.

It rolls right off their back.
Not me. I take bad news badly.

- I don't wanna hear
any bad news.
- Ted, I-I can't help it.

Sure you can. If you were thinking of
firing me, you could change your mind.

- Ted, I'm not thinking
of firing you.
- [Chuckling Sigh]

Well, that's great news.

- That wasn't the news.
- Lou, I can't take bad news.

Unless it's about you. I might
be strong enough for that.

Ted, uh, it's not about me.

Look, take a really
good mouthful of that.

Come on. Down the
hatch. Down the hatch.

No, no, I mean
actually swallow it.


I'm gonna give you some bad news,
and I want you to take it like a man.

[Anxious Sigh] Be...

Because if you can just reach
deep down into yourself... [Cries]

and find that inner
strength... [Crying]

I always felt that you had,

you'll be all right. [Sobbing]

And-And what's more, you'll
gain from knowing all this,

because you'll know
that you're a real man.

Oh, Lou! Why me, Lou?

Why me? What have
I done to deserve this?

Ted, I haven't
told it to you yet!

You mean it gets worse?

Ted! Ted! Ted.

You're not getting
a Teddy Award.

You weren't nominated this year.
I'm sorry, but there will be other years.


Relax, Ted. Ted. Ted.

Ted. Ted. Ted!

Pull yourself together and
be a man! [Wailing Stops]

Very well. Very well, Lou.

I'm myself now. I'm
okay. I'm fine, I'm fine.


[Exhales Forcefully]

[Crying Continues] [Mutters]


So, I have decided
not to commit suicide.

Good. That's a good choice.

I've got a better way of showing
the world what they've done to me.

I'm gonna let my
appearance go to hell.

Ted, don't you think
that's a little drastic?

Desperate men use
desperate measures, Murray.

I'm gonna neglect
the crease in my pants.

I'm gonna let the part
in my hair grow crooked.

Gonna wear un-shined
shoes and clip-on ties.

My career's all washed up.

Murray, Mary, I'm just
sorry I let you down.

Oh, Ted, you-you didn't...

[Mouths Words] Ted... Ted, uh...

Wanna know why
you weren't nominated?

It was... my fault, Ted.

My rotten writing cost
you the nomination.

I wondered about that.

Well, now you can stop wondering,
and, uh, just don't blame yourself.

That's right. You're to blame.

You're the reason I
didn't win the nomination.

Thanks, Murr. It was rotten
writing. That's what it was.

Rotten writing. It
was all Murray's fault.

Thanks, Murr.
Rotten writing! Rotten.

Rotten writing.
That's what it was.

Thanks, Murr. Yeah, I
should've known better.

Would somebody get
me a glass of water?

I just had a bit of bad
news. What's the matter?

What is it, Lou? You
look terrible! I must.

They're giving me the
Albert Mason Award.

Oh, Mr. Grant! Oh.

Hey, gals, have you
heard the great news?

The Teddy brass has
tapped me for a presenters gig!

Oh, Ted, those are the most
wonderful words I've ever heard.

What do they mean?

That means I'm gonna
help present the awards.

- Actually, it's better
than winning one.
- You're right. It is.

Everyone knows
that. Isn't that great?

Oh, Mr. Grant, here's the
information you wanted.

Thanks, Mary. What are
you grinning about, Ted?

Ted's gonna present
the Teddy Award.

He was tapped with a brass gig.

It sounds awful, but
it's really wonderful.

Oh, great. Well, I'm glad you're
happy about the awards, Ted.

I'm glad somebody around
here is happy about the awards.

Mr. Grant has been given
the Albert Mason Award.

And it's a big honor.

Then why is he
grinding his teeth?

Because I don't want it. They
only give that award to old crocks.

I'm not an old crock. I'm a
young middle-aged crock.

Will you just tell me what's so
terrible about receiving an award?

I'll tell you. The winner
has to make a speech.

I'm afraid of making speeches.
Can I offer you a word of wisdom?

Ted, you can't spare it.

Way back, I used to be afraid of
giving a speech before a large group.

Then one day, an old radio
announcer came up to me, and he said,

"Think of them all
sitting out there naked."

I've never been nervous since.

Occasionally I giggle.

And once in a
while, I get excited.

But never nervous. Well, I am.

You handle this. I
think I'll go get drunk.

Hold it! Mr. Grant, you're
not going anywhere.

There's no need to
go get drunk. Hmm?

What is it I hate about awards?
You see what it's doing to people?

People are nervous,
people are miserable.

And for what? The
award doesn't matter.

Come on. It's our work,

our friendship, our
respect for each other.

That's what counts. Not awards.

Awards are
forgotten the next day.

Who remembers, for example,

the name of the Albert
Mason winner last year?

- Carl Frobisher.
- Okay, poor example.

Who was the Best
Weatherman two years ago?

Martin C. Foster.

Best Daytime Documentary, 1971?

St. Paul Solved its Sewage Problem,
John Epstein, Betty Ann Barnes.

Come on. I'll buy you a drink.

- Best Kiddie Show, 1957?
- Buffalo Bob Fogel.


Can I tell you something
privately? Yeah, sure.

If anybody deserved a
nomination this year, you did.

I mean, you did the news.
You produced it for the first time.

You did a great
job. No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

If I go one more
round, will you? Sure.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

Hey, how come you guys
didn't bring any dates tonight?

Well, frankly, Ted, I was
embarrassed to bring a date,

especially after the things that have
happened the last couple of years.

Me too. Marie has
boycotted the awards...

since that time Ted came
over to our place after losing...

and swallowed a handful of
pills out of the medicine cabinet.

I didn't hear about that.

It didn't do any harm, except
Ted will never get pregnant.

It was terrible. I retained
water for two months.

I have a hunch you're
going to win, Sue Ann.

I just have the strangest
feeling deep down inside.

So do I.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Mr. Grant, it's
almost time to go.

I can't, Mary. I have to
wait till my date gets here.

Where's she coming from? Malta.

I think this is gonna be the worst evening
in the history of western civilization.

Hey, Mr. Grant, if you're
nervous about that speech,

why don't you try it out on us?

Once you see that everyone likes it, you
won't be so nervous about doing it later.

Maybe you're right.

Yeah, of course I am.
Hey, look, everybody,

could you gather
around for just a minute?

Mr. Grant would like to try
out his little speech on us.

[Guests Muttering]

[Clears Throat]

"Ladies and gentlemen...

and members of the
Television Editors Association."


"This award is stupid,

"and I would tell Albert
Mason to his face,

"but in 1967, he
skipped to Argentina...

"when he was charged with
the crime of selling the military...

"unsafe latrines.

Thank you very much."

Mr. Grant? Yes, Mary?

You can't deliver that speech.
[Chuckling] Listen, it's a free country.

You can't deliver that speech
and remain in Minneapolis.

No. But it's the truth.

But you can't publicly
ridicule everybody in that room.

You know, Mary, for the first time,
I'm sort of glad to get that award.

Lou? Eh?

I thought it was great.

You took my tip and pictured
everybody naked, huh?

No, Ted, I didn't
picture everybody naked.

That's funny. I did.

This year, the nominees
are three fine programs:

The Happy Homemaker,
host Sue Ann Nivens;

Strikes and Spares,
host Morty Flemish;

and Countdown to Glory,
host Father James Dannenbrink.

Sue Ann Nivens, Sue Ann Nivens,
Sue Ann Nivens. And the winner is...

Uh-oh. The winners
are... We have a tie here.

"Sue Ann Nivens and
Father Dannenbrink."

♪♪ [Band: Fanfare]

Congratulations. [Muttering]

I'm... I'm so excited.

I don't mean because of you.

It would be presumptuous of
me to thank you for this award...

since, in a much larger sense,
you cast your ballots not for me,

but for someone with whom
I am unworthy to share it.

Oh, thank you,
Father. [Muttering]

This award confers great honor.

It also carries certain
financial benefits.

It will be contract
time very soon.

Thanks to you, this year
Father Dannenbrink and I...

can really put the
screws to the big shots.

Thank you.

And now to present the
award for Best Newscaster,

here is last year's winner,
WJM's inimitable Ted Baxter.

♪♪ [Fanfare]

Hey, good to see
you. How you been?


My friends,

this is what
America is all about.

A former winner getting up
here and giving away an award...

he should've won himself.

[Whispering, Indistinct]

It's not my fault you're running
late. Should've started sooner.

What is an anchorman?

Wasn't it Shakespeare
who once said...

All right, all right.

Nominees are Ernie
Reeves, Headline Report;

Pete Elley, Evening Headline;
Les Stewart, Report At Evening.

And the winner
is... Les Stewart.

Really? Les Stewart.
♪♪ [Fanfare]

Thank you. Well said, Les.

That's it.

There's no one else but me.

And so it is now my privilege
to introduce this year's winner...

of the Albert Mason Award,

the grand old man of
the WJM newsroom,

Lou Grant.

Mr. Grant. Go up there.
I'm not gonna go up there.

- Lou, you've got to.
- I'm not leaving this chair.

Mr. Grant, you have
got to go up there.

You said I couldn't give my
speech. I have nothing to say.

[Emcee] Can, uh, someone
accept the award for him?

Uh, yeah. She'll accept it.

Accepting the Albert Mason
Award for Lou Grant is, uh...

- What's your name, dear?
- Mary Richards.

Mary Richards.

I am not going up there. You won
that award. You are gonna accept it.

Now go up there.


You're right.
[Audience Murmuring]

I gotta do it. I gotta do it.

I accept the award.
Could you toss it over?

[Whispers] Toss it.

Toss it.