Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 13 - Neighbors - full transcript

Lou is having many problems with his house and getting the necessary repairs done. Based on an off-the-cuff comment by Mary, Lou decides to sell the house and downsize by moving into a one-room apartment, he feeling like one room is all he needs for the type of life he leads. While Lou's over at Mary's apartment one day, Bess blurts out to Lou that Rhoda's apartment is still empty and is thus available. For Mary, the damage has already been done as although she doesn't want Lou moving in so close to her since she believes Lou will invade her privacy, she also doesn't want Bess to lie or for anyone to deny Lou what may be exactly what he's looking for. After viewing the apartment, he decides to take it. Having Lou as a neighbor not only ends up affecting their personal relationship, but also their professional relationship, with Ted the unwitting pawn caught in the middle.

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♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Okay, Phyl, you and
Lars have a wonderful trip.

And don't worry about
Bess. I'll look after her.

Okay, bye-bye. Are Phyllis
and Lars taking a trip?

- Yeah, for a whole month.
- Oh. Where are they going?

Well, she just said that they
were going to search for America...

in the wake of Watergate.

Gee. I hope they find it.

[Ringing] Newsroom.

Yes, just a minute, please. Mr. Grant,
it's for you. Your roof repairman.

You stink.

You hear that, Carl?

Oh. Oh, I, uh... I'm sorry. I
didn't know he had a secretary.

Yeah, yeah, I'll hold.

Hello, Carl. I just left a
message with your secretary.

Uh-huh. Why weren't
you out there yesterday?

Well, be sure you get out there
today. You can't miss the house.

It's the one with the
rainbow in the living room.

[Door Closes] Can
you believe that?

Somebody just told me I lost my
cue card boy. I'm gonna let Lou have it.

He's in a terrible mood.

I'll wait till he feels a little
better. Then I'll let him have it.

How can he let 'em promote my cue card
boy? He's the best cue card boy I ever had.

But, Ted, it's not that hard to hold
the cards. He'll find somebody good.

I mean, anybody can do it.

If anybody could do it, I wouldn't
have fired the last seven guys...

at this station alone.

There was one guy who
moved his finger too fast.

"This is Ted Baxter
with the news."

Then there was one guy
who moved it too slow.

"This... is... Ted...
Baxter... with... the... news."

Then there was a nervous
guy. [Stammering] "This is"...

But Harvey... Harvey
had the perfect finger.

[Ringing] I'll get
it! I'll get it. I'll get it.

Ted... I said, I'll get it.

Chow-Chow Charlie, the deejay
who pays. Answer his call and win it all?

Isn't this the radio station
that gives away all the money?

Oh. Well, who is it?

Oh, well, all right. I'll tell him
when... Hold it. Here he is now.

Lou, it's your plumber.

Lou, I'd like to talk to you as
soon as you're feeling terrific.

Hello. Yeah.

Well, when can you come?
What am I supposed to do till then?

Thanks a lot! You
feeling better now?

Now I need a plumber for
my house. What's wrong?

My grandson made a wonderful
discovery over the weekend.

You cannot flush a banana.

Mary, try to find me a plumber.

Lou, you want my cue
card boy to fix your toilet?

- What?
- If we can keep him,
I can get him to do it.

Boy, you're really having your
troubles with that place, huh?

Yeah. You know,

I really oughta get rid of
that house once and for all.

That's a great idea, Mr. Grant. Why don't
you just sell it and get an apartment?


- Okay?
- Well, you said sell it. I'll sell it.

Yeah, but I-I didn't
mean... I mean, you

know, I figured you'd
sort of think about it.

You know, kind of ruminate,

and then sort of in
the spring maybe...

- What's botherin' you?
- I don't wanna be responsible
for changing your life.

Then don't go around telling
people to sell their houses.

Lou, do you feel any better now
that you got rid of your house?

What do you want, Ted? It's
about my cue card boy, Lou.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Mary, hire
somebody to do idiot cards for Ted.

Don't call them "idiot cards."

I resent that. They're
called "cue cards."

I'm... I'm sorry, Ted.

Mary, hire somebody to
do cue cards for the idiot.

[Knocking] Hello, hello.

- Hiya, Bess.
- Don't you love
this new lipstick?

Oh, my. That is interesting.

But why would you
want purple lips?

Well, to match these.

Say, Aunt Mary, how would you feel
about giving me some slack on my curfew?

Uh, sorry, Bess. Your mother
said 10:30 and not a minute later.

- But I'm 16 years old.
- But, Bess, that has
nothing to do with it.

Yeah, you're right. Lars is 52,

and Phyllis won't let
him stay out past 10:30.

I got some lamb chops.
I hope you're hungry.

You cooked last night. Why don't
you let me handle dinner tonight?

- Why should you
do all the work?
- Yeah, right.

Okay, you wanna handle
dinner? Go. Terrific.

Good. Thanks, Aunt Mary.

You like plain
pizza or pepperoni?


Hi. This is Bess Lindstrom.

We'd like a plain medium to go.

I'm one flight up from my
place. Right. Thanks a lot.

It's the worst pizza ever,
but they get it here in a flash.

[Doorbell Buzzing]

That's what I call a flash.

Mr. Grant. Hi. Hi,
Mary. Hi, Bess.

Hi, Mr. Grant. Come on in.


Kids never change.
Look at that face, Mary.

I'll bet you were just eating
a Popsicle, weren't you?

- Would you like a drink?
- Yeah, thanks.

I hope you don't
mind my stopping by.

The real estate agent is showing the
house again, and I don't wanna be there.

Why not?

I'm gettin' a little tired of him
pointing to me and saying,

"Try to picture the
living room without him."

- Where are you moving to?
- I don't know.

I'm looking for an apartment.
Something like this would be real nice.

I just want one room. I don't
wanna rattle around in seven rooms.

I want cozy. Hey,
Rhoda's place is empty.

Hmm? Uh, Bess,
uh, it isn't cozy.

I could look at
it. But it's locked.

It's not cozy, and it's locked.

And Phyllis has the key,
and she's in Las Vegas.

And you certainly don't wanna fly all the
way to Las Vegas to get the key, do you?

But, Aunt Mary, I'll be
glad to go downstairs and...

Bess, dear, um,

can I see you in the
kitchen for just a minute?

There's something I wanna
show you how to work. Okay.

Mr. Grant, what I was gonna say
is I have an extra key downstairs...

if you wanna look
at it. Uh, Bess?

What do you wanna show
me how to work? This.

Bess, uh, I'm not sure that you're the
right person for me to talk to about this,

but even though Mr. Grant
and I are really good friends,

I just don't want him
living one flight above me.

- I understand.
- You do?

You don't think it's
crummy of me to keep him...

from an apartment he might like just
because I'm concerned about my privacy?

No. I think everything
you do is wonderful.

Boy, Bess, maybe you are the right
person for me to be talking to about this.

It's just that I wanna keep my home my
home and the office the office, you know?

Yeah. It makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, Bess, no doubt about it. You
were the right one for me to talk to.

I can tell Mr. Grant
I can't find the key.

I don't want you to lie to him.

Then just tell him you
don't want him to move in.

Because I find it very difficult
to say no to people I'm close to.

Hey, um, about my
10:30 curfew, couldn't I...

No! No, no.

I'll take it. Mr. Grant!

You can't just take it. You don't
know anything about the apartment.

You have to look around first.

Yeah. Yeah, I
guess you're right.

I'll take it.

Don't you think it's
a little small? Right.

I like small. The smaller the
place, the smaller the problems.

But you have seven
rooms of furniture.

I can get rid of some of it, and
the rest of it I can put on rollers.

- On rollers?
- Yeah.

That way, I can bunch up the
stuff I'm not using on that side...

and wheel what I
need to this side.

Wheel in the dining room,
wheel out the living room.

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant.
You can't live like that.

- Why not? You have wheels on your bed?
- Wheels?

Yeah, wheels. You
have 'em on your bed?

I don't need wheels
on my bed, Mr. Grant.

I never go anywhere in my bed.

Nice storage space.

Nice kitchen.

Did you see the closet space?
Did you see how small it is?

I mean, Rhoda used to say it's so small
that the moths had to sleep standing up.

Mary, I told you, I like small.

This is great.

Look, I'm a single
guy living alone.

I eat out most of the time.
I don't see many people.

- This is perfect for me.
- Perfect?

Mary, it's not only good
for you, it's good for me.

How? How is it good for me?

Let's face it. We
both live alone,

and this way, we don't have
to worry about getting lonely.

Now, if you get lonely, you can
just knock on my door and say,

"Hey, you feel like a beer?"

And if you're lonely,
you can always...

- Right.
- On mine.

There's only one
thing that bothers me.

- Yeah? What?
- Eh,

you see me all
day at the office.

Now if you have to live next
to me, you'd get sick of me.

Oh, Mr. Grant, I
wouldn't say that.

Being around me 24 hours
a day, you'd get sick of me.

- Aw, Mr. Grant.
- Hey, I'm not the easiest guy
to get along with.

I can be pretty difficult. In fact,
I... I can be a real pain in the neck.

You'd get sick of me.

Mr. Grant, I would
not get sick of you.

Okay, I'll take it.


[Mary] Come in.

Say, Mary, can I see if your TV's
working? I'm havin' trouble with mine.

- I don't know if it's
the set or the aerial.
- Yeah, sure.

How's it goin' up there?

Settling in all right? Yeah,
I really like it up there.

Although, I am thinking of
scraping the paint off the walls.

Yeah. I didn't think that
was your color. [TV, Indistinct]

Oh, it's not that. It's just that I
think I can use the extra space.

Yeah, your picture's
fine. Must be my set.

I'll go watch the
football game at the bar.

Well, listen, if you have something to
watch, please stay and watch it here.

- I have a date anyway.
- No, no.

I don't think that's
a good idea, Mary.

I think it's important with
you and me living this close...

that we respect each other's
privacy as much as possible.

- I don't wanna impose on you.
- But, Mr. Grant, come on.

You're not imposing.
Don't be silly. Watch it.

Oh, all right, if you're
sure you don't mind.

I'm sure.

Hi, hi. Hi, Mr. Grant. Hiya.

Hi, Bess. You wanna watch
the football game with me?

No, thanks. I like
real life better.

I just came by to say
good night. Good night.

- Does anybody mind
if I stay out till 12:00?
- Yes, your mother minds. 10:30.

Aw, let her have some fun.

Let's compromise. How's 11:30?

Thanks, Mr. Grant!
You're an angel!

[Chuckling] Oh, David,
I had a terrific evening.

Thanks. So did I. Would you
like to come in for some coffee?

Yeah, sure. Sit down.

Hey, Mary? Mmm?

Could I ask you a
personal question? Yeah.

Who's that man
sleeping on your couch?

Mr. Grant. Oh, Mr. Grant.

Who's Mr. Grant? My boss.

What kind of work
did you say you do?

Mr. Grant?

Mr. Grant? I can't wake him.

Here, let me try. Mr. Grant?

Mr. Grant? Mr. Grant!

Oh! David.

Are you all right? Yeah, fine.

Hi, Mary. Did you
have a nice evening?

Hi. I'm Lou Grant.

David Boyd. How are ya?

Fine. Mr. Grant, you
just punched David.

- I did?
- When he woke you up.

Oh, I'm sorry. I must have
been dreaming about the war.

Where did...
Where did I get you?

Just south of Anzio.

Listen, Mary, I, uh... I
think I'd better go home.

Well, I had a wonderful time.

Thanks. So did I. Great time.

- Good night.
- Good night.

I'm sorry. It was an accident.

I know. I know.

It was an accident.

You don't just sneak up on a
person who's been in a war...

A World War.

I once got a medal for being
awakened by a German.

Well, it has been
30 years, Mr. Grant.

I figured you'd
been rehabilitated.

You know, just between you
and me, that guy can't take it.

Your date's got a glass gut.

I don't wanna hear
that, Mr. Grant.

I wanna know what you're doing
on my couch at 1:00 in the morning.

You know I always fall
asleep watching television.

No, I don't know that!
How would I know that?

Okay, well, I always fall
asleep watching television.

What you don't seem to
realize here, Mr. Grant,

is that you ruined my evening.

I don't think I did. I might
have ruined his evening.

I didn't ask to watch
television here. You invited me.

I invited you to watch television,
not to fall asleep on my couch.

But you know I always fall asleep
on the couch in front of the television.

I told you, I don't know that!

- Mr. Grant, we oughta
get something straight.
- Oh, yeah?

At the office, you're my boss,
but here at home, you're not.

You understand that?

Sure, I understand. And I not
only understand, I'm going home.


You know what's wrong, Mary? You make
what happened here tonight sound all bad.

I beg your pardon? All right.

You may be annoyed. You
may be upset. You may be angry.

But tell me this:
Are you lonely?

Lonely? No, I am not lonely.

There you go. And I'm sick and
tired of not being appreciated!

Mary, what did you do? How
could you make a mistake like that?

- What mistake?
- The new cue card boy.

Didn't you realize
she was a girl?

Yes, Ted, I did. She was quite
candid about that during the interview.

Well, anybody knows
it's not a girl's job.

That's why they
call it a cue card boy.

Look, Ted, give me
a break, will you?

I really... I didn't get
much sleep last night.

I'm-I'm very upset, and
I'm way behind on my work.

I just... I can't cope
with it right now, okay?

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe Lou will
wanna talk about it.

Good, good. I wish
you would. Do that.

Aw, come on, Mary. Have a heart.

I can't work with
a girl cue card boy.

The print's too thin. I like
it bold, 'cause I say it bold.

All right, Ted. I'll
ask her to print boldly.

And there's... there's something
else too. [Clearing Throat]

I don't feel right, you
know, when I make...

certain kind of jokes during the
commercial breaks when a girl's around.

Well, Ted, if you don't feel
right, then don't make them.

But I... I have to.

They keep the
little people relaxed.

Keep 'em sort of loose, you
know? I need a loose crew, Mary.

Ted, if you don't have a
loose screw, nobody does.

Say, Lou. Lou, what is this...

What is this above the
letter "I," a dot or a circle?

A circle. You see
what I mean, Mary?

All right, so it's
a circle, not a dot.

I want dots over
my I's, Mary. Dots!

And that's why Ted thinks we
need a new cue card person.

I just... [Laughing]

[Sighs] Ted's the one who
has to read the cue cards.

If he's not satisfied, there
should be a change. He's right.

Why are you staring
at me like that, Ted?

I'm trying to figure the angles.

- What angle?
- Well, I figure...

you're telling me I'm
right so that I'll get happy.

Then you can make a
fool of me. That's it, isn't it?

No, that's not it.

You agree with Ted? Sure.

He agrees with
me. He really does.

Lou, if it's a joke,
make a fool of me now.

It wouldn't be
nice to wait later.


He really agrees with me!

- Mary, has the weather
bulletin come in yet?
- Why?

I have a strange feeling
that Hell just froze over.

Who is it? Mary.

Mary who?

Mr. Grant, I have
to talk to you.

Mary, we're in the office now.

You can't just barge in here
like some kind of neighbor.

You wanna say something, but
you're having trouble starting, right?

- Right.
- I know. Starting
is always the hard part.

Now, would it help you if I
started? Would that help?

I don't know. Yes, it probably
would make it a little easier.

All right, I'll start. What?

Mr. Grant, you don't
really agree with Ted.

You're just taking his side because
you're upset over what happened at home.

Home? Home? Didn't we agree...

to separate our home relationship
from our office relationship?

- Yes.
- And where are we now?

In the office.

In the office, right.
And in the office,

we take a pretty dim
view of our people...

hanging out until all
hours of the night...

and then breezing into work
whenever they feel like it.

Mr. Grant, that's
not why I was late!

I was late because I was upset
over what happened last night.

And you know I can't
sleep when I'm upset.

I don't know that!

Well? What is it, Ted?

I was just about gonna
tell the guys on the crew...

how you said I was right
about the cue card girl,

but then I figured
that was the joke...

That you'd wait until I
told the guys on the crew,

and then you'd pull the
old rug out from under Ted.

Well, I just came in to tell
you that I'm not falling for it!

Ted, if you'd like to know what's
happening here... I don't believe this.

Mr. Grant is taking
your side because he's

upset over something
that happened at home.

Oh, no. I'm not buying
that, because if that's a joke,

that would be the perfect thing to
say to convince me that it wasn't!

Mr. Grant, I don't think you and I have
anything further to say to each other.

- I mean, I know that I don't.
- Oh, yes, you do. Yes, you do.

You wanna tell me that you want
me to move out of Rhoda's apartment.

Well, yes, Mr. Grant,
I guess I do.

She left 'cause she couldn't
keep a straight face, right?

Come here, Ted.


I'm gonna pretend to be asleep.

Well, I guess that's it.
You wanna sign here?


Thanks. Thank you.

I wish everyone had sense
enough to put everything on rollers.


- All set to go?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, it looks like they got just
about everything moved out.

- Uh-huh.
- The new place
all ready to move into?

- Uh-huh.
- Mr. Grant,
couldn't we talk about this?


Mr. Grant, I've been trying
to talk to you for the last week.

You keep rumbling by
saying, "No comment,"

like I was from the
Washington Post or something.

There's nothin' to talk about.
We tried, and it didn't work out.

I'm sorry. There's
nothing to be sorry about.

Nobody's to blame. That's
the way things happen.

And you're not angry
with me anymore? Nah.

It was just one of those things.

You know, it's hard to leave
this place. I'm used to it here.

You were only
here for two weeks.

I know, but it seems
like... three or four.


we had some good
times here, didn't we, Mar?

We sure did.

Mm-hmm. Great times.

Where did we go wrong, Mary?

Oh, I don't know, Mr. Grant.

I guess, uh, it just
wasn't meant to be.


Well, one thing
you have to admit...

about us living next
to each other like this.

It sure wasn't lonely.

[Chuckles] It sure wasn't.

You know, Mary,

loneliness is vastly underrated.

Good-bye, Mary.

Good-bye, Mr. Grant.

I'm gonna miss you, Mary.

Well, I'm gonna miss you too.

- See you in
the office tomorrow.
- Right.

You know, Mary, I was thinking about
that business with the cue card girl.

You do whatever you
want. Never mind about Ted.

Thanks, Mr. Grant. I know
she's gonna work out just fine.

- How's the new apartment?
- Oh, terrific.

It sure beats livin' in a house.

- Yesterday, my grandson
came to visit me again.
- Yeah?

Tried to flush another banana,

and all I had to do was
phone for the janitor.

Within five minutes,
he came upstairs...

and he brought me
a brand-new banana.

♪♪ [Whistling]

Hi, Lou. Hi, Mary.

Hi. What are you so
happy about, Ted?

Well, I was just
tellin' all the guys in

the studio how you
took my side over Mary's.

Oh, yeah. Ted, about that...

I knew it! Oh, no, Ted.

It's just that... I knew it!

I knew you were gonna do this to me! I
knew you were gonna play this trick on me!

You're a cruel man, Lou Grant!
You're cruel, vicious and you're sick!

I knew it! I knew it!

[Continues, Indistinct]