Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 12 - A Son for Murray - full transcript
As Mary, Murray and Ted talk about children and Murray's own three daughters, Murray begins to feel that he wants another child, more specifically a son. Although he wouldn't trade in his three daughters for anything, there is a part of him that can't help feel that his life is incomplete without being able to pass the male part of himself to a male offspring. Trying to convince Marie to have another child may be an obstacle, especially as they initially agreed only to have two children. It not only becomes an obstacle, but a potential stumbling block in their marriage, as Marie steadfastly refuses to go through pregnancy yet again. While Murray confides in Lou and Ted, and Marie confides in Mary and Georgette, not only Murray and Marie's relationship is on the line, but also the friendships between the men and the women as they each side with their gender counterpart on the issue, while publicly declaring to stay out of Murray and Marie's personal affairs.
♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪
♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪
♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪
♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪
♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪
♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪
♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪
♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪
♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪
Anybody wanna join
me for lunch? I'm starved.
No, thanks, Ted. Mary?
No, I brought my lunch too, Ted.
Hey, that looks good.
It is.
What is that? Chicken?
Yeah. Chicken.
Looks like it's got
sauce on it. Mm-hmm.
Barbecue sauce.
I made it last night.
How many pieces you got there?
Three legs and a breast.
That must have been
a funny-looking chicken.
Really looks tasty. Mmm. It is.
You can eat all that yourself?
Ted, would you, by any
chance, care for... Yes! That one.
Thanks, Mar. Mmm!
That's the best
chicken I ever tasted.
Say, Murray, the station's got two tickets
to the hockey game on Saturday night.
- Wanna take one of your kids?
- Thanks, Lou, but my girls
don't care much for hockey.
I'll take 'em.
- Ted, you don't like hockey.
- No, but I can sell them
to someone who does.
How are the girls, Murr? I
haven't seen them in months.
Oh, terrific. Susie's
gonna be six next week.
Marie and I took her
shopping and I said, if
she could choose
anything in the whole world,
what would she pick?
- She said, "A charge account."
- [Both Laugh]
- It must be really nice
to have three daughters.
- Yeah, it sure is, Ted.
I mean, after sons
they're the next best thing.
My girls are the best
thing, not the next best.
Hey, I've got
nothing against girls.
I think girls are great.
Look at Mary. She
used to be a girl.
Yeah, once upon a time.
I was reading this article
in the Police Gazette.
It explains what makes
a baby boy or girl.
See, our bodies are filled with
little things called chromosomes.
When it comes time to
make a baby, the mother
always puts out a
chromosome called "X."
But the father...
can put out either an "X"
chromosome or a "Y" chromosome.
If he puts out an "X," it's a girl.
If he puts out a "Y," it's a boy.
So, you see, Murray, it's not your
fault if you don't have any sons.
You just haven't been able to come
up with a "Y" when you needed one.
Some guys are like
that. They're short on Y's.
On the other hand, take a guy like
me who's strong, rugged and tough.
I'll bet I got Y's
coming out of my ears.
I bet I'm lousy with Y's.
Or even without
them. [Laughs] Right.
You know, it's funny.
When Marie and I first got married
we agreed we'd have two kids,
and I just assumed one would
be a girl and one would be a boy.
Of course, when Bonnie and Ellen
came I was crazy about them both.
But still, in the back of my
mind I couldn't help wondering...
what it would be
like to have a son.
I knew Marie didn't
want any more kids.
So what I did was, one night I
took her to this romantic place...
for dinner and dancing
and a little champagne...
and kinda talked her
into having another kid.
- Your son Susie?
- Right.
Not exactly what I'd planned,
but, well, I wouldn't
trade her for 10 sons.
Still, every now and then
I feel it'd be kinda nice...
to have a little
boy to buy toys for,
take to the playground
or to teach how to read.
I don't see what your problem
is. You can do all that with Ted.
You know, it's really dumb,
isn't it? [Punching Keypad]
I mean, why does a guy
think his life isn't complete...
until he reproduces a
miniature version of himself?
It's just dumb.
Hello, Marie?
Hey, listen, honey, uh,
let's go out to eat tonight.
Yeah, get a sitter, and, uh...
Why not, Lou? I'm sorry, Ted.
My anchorman is not going to be a
judge at a Miss Nude Minnesota contest.
[Knocking] Come in.
Oh. Sorry. If you're
busy I'll come back later.
No, no, no, no. We're
finished. What's on your mind?
Ted, uh, this is
sort of private.
It's all right. Anything you want to say to
me you can say in front of Lou. Sit down.
Look, uh, I want to ask
you guys a question. Shoot.
Well, say a man wants to
have a child and his wife doesn't.
What do you do?
- You want another kid?
- Well, yeah.
I've been thinking about this for a
long time, and I'd like to have a son.
Is there anything
wrong in wanting a son,
my own flesh and blood,
to carry on my name?
Of course not.
If people didn't have sons, we wouldn't
be discussing this problem right now.
We'd be three chicks!
Lulu, Muriel... and Veronica.
- Ted, how'd you get Veronica?
- Well, who wants
a silly name like Theodora?
Anyway, Marie and I had
a big fight about it last night.
Don't I have the right to
have a child if I want to?
Well, yeah, sure. But, uh,
Marie has her rights too.
Hold it. Hold it, hold it.
When a woman becomes a wife,
she promises to love, honor
and obey... O-B-E-Y. Obey.
Now, that's a legal,
binding contract.
She just can't walk off the
job anytime she wants to.
And if she does,
you can claim a violation of that contract
and sue her for every penny she's got.
Look, I don't want
Marie to obey me.
I want her to want what I want.
Well, even if she doesn't want it
I think she should do it anyway.
I mean, what's the big deal?
All you're doing is
asking her to go to a
hospital for a couple
hours and have a baby.
It's not as if you were asking
for a year out of her life.
Lou. Lou?
Lou, what do you
think I should do?
Look, Murray, you and Marie
are both intelligent people.
You've got a problem,
you sit down and discuss it.
You tell her how you feel,
she tells you how she feels,
and between the two of
you you figure out a solution.
Right.
And if that doesn't work,
slip something into her drink.
Shut up, Veronica!
Whew! Boy. Want some coffee?
Great. Thanks for helping, Mary.
If you hadn't been there,
it would have taken two hours to decide
between the blue dress and the green one.
Yeah. With me there
it only took three.
It really is a good
thing you came.
If I'd been by myself, I probably
would've picked the green dress.
Did you like the
green dress better?
Well, I did until you said
you liked the blue dress.
No, I didn't say that I
liked the blue dress.
Remember, I said I
couldn't make up my mind.
The saleslady said she liked the
blue dress. Then you agreed with her.
And then I said I liked the blue
dress because I thought you liked it.
You mean, you didn't
like the blue dress either?
No, it was the saleslady
who said she liked the blue.
Oh, well, as long
as one of us likes it.
[Doorbell Buzzes]
Marie! What a nice
surprise! Hi, Mary.
Oh, I don't think you know Georgette
Franklin. Marie Slaughter, Murray's wife.
Hi, Georgette. Want some coffee?
Oh, yes, I'd love it.
I feel as if I know you so well.
Murray's told me all about you.
Ted told me about
you too. Oh, really?
What'd he say?
Not much.
Just that you have blond
hair, that you're very nice...
and you don't want
to get pregnant.
- There aren't many secrets
in that office, are there?
- No.
Gee, I'm sorry. I didn't
know it was a secret.
Please forget I told you.
That's all right, Georgette.
Actually, Mary, that's what I
came over to talk to you about.
I really do need your advice.
Yeah, sure. What can I do?
Did something happen at the
office yesterday? What do you mean?
Well, when Murray came
home last night after work,
he made it sound as if our marriage
depended on my having another baby.
Oh, that's what that session in
Mr. Grant's office was all about. Hmm.
[Kettle Whistling] Murray's just
thinking about what he wants.
What about me?
Finally, our youngest is
in kindergarten this year.
For the first time in 18 years,
I have a little time to myself... two
and a half hours after breakfast...
And Murray wants me to
fill it with morning sickness.
- What would you do
if you were me?
- I'd cry.
Well, aside from all that,
I just don't think it's
right, what with all
the overpopulation
and famine in the world.
Mary, do you think that it's wrong
that I don't want to have another baby?
I really would like an answer.
Do you think that I'm wrong?
Oh, no, Marie.
No. Of course I don't
think that you're wrong.
On the other hand, it's hard
to say that Murray's wrong too.
I mean, I can understand your point of view
completely. There is no argument there.
Still, I understand
how Murray feels too.
I'm not saying that I agree with him...
just that I understand how he feels.
Of course, just as I
understand how you feel.
On the other hand, it's...
Marie, I don't know
what to tell you to do.
I bet that saleslady
would know what to do.
Good morning. Good morning.
Mr. Grant, I have
something to say,
so I might as well just say it.
Okay.
I don't know what you said
to Murray in there on Friday,
but on Saturday Marie came over
to my house and she was upset.
Hey, all I told Murray was that this
whole business of having a kid or not...
was something they had
to work out between them.
Really? Yeah.
I'm so glad to hear that, because
that's just what I told Marie.
I feel very strongly that you and I and
everyone else should not get involved.
That's why I told Murray what I
told him. I didn't want to take sides.
Even though, as it happens, I
think Murray's got a good case.
- A good case?
- Sure.
A man doesn't feel complete until
he has a son. Oh, come on, Mr. Grant!
You've got three daughters. Do you
ever seriously wish they were sons?
Yeah. When they stayed
out till 2:00 in the morning.
Well, I don't think it's fair to ask Marie
to have a baby if she doesn't want one.
Sometimes I think men have no idea
what's involved in caring for a baby...
The amount of time that's
involved, the total commitment.
Hey. Why are you telling me? I've
got three kids. You don't have any.
Well, you don't have to be a
chicken to recognize an egg.
Well, you do if
you wanna lay one.
Anyway, don't tell me about
raising kids. I've done my share.
I don't know how many times I
had to get up at 4:00 in the morning...
to tell Edie the
baby was crying.
And I walked 'em plenty
of times myself too.
The point is that when
Murray and Marie got married,
they agreed they were only
going to have two children.
Right. A girl and a boy.
Marie didn't live up to
her end of the bargain.
It's all a big joke
to you, isn't it?
Well, a woman doesn't have to
have a baby if she doesn't want to.
Well, I say a man's entitled
to have a baby if he wants to.
[Laughing]
Well, Mr. Grant, on behalf
of women everywhere,
let me say we'd sure like
to be there when he has it.
She's got you there,
Lou. [Chuckles]
Hey, you two still fighting
about Murray's having a kid?
No, Ted, we're not fighting
about Murray's having a kid.
We are both staying out of this. We
are both neutral. Right, Mary? Right.
- Good morning, everyone.
- [All] Good morning!
- Everything all right?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- You and Marie
talk things over?
- Yeah, it's all settled.
I'm moving into a hotel tonight.
Murray.
You're not going to
a hotel. I won't hear
of it. You're gonna
spend the night with me.
It'll be terrific.
You don't wanna be alone.
Thanks, Ted. That's very nice
of you. We'll have a great time.
They're having a masquerade
party in the recreation room tonight,
and you can come
as anybody you like...
Except Batman and Robin,
because that's me and Georgette.
Wait till you see
my Robin costume.
Say, Murr, what's a guy like you doing
with a bottle of Wildroot Cream-Oil?
How's a guy like
me gonna use it up?
I really appreciate you letting
me stay over tonight, Ted.
Ah, it's no trouble.
Got an extra bed.
Why do you have twin beds?
Well, you never know when a
chick might wanna stay over.
If you, uh, get my drift.
You don't feel much like
laughing tonight, do ya, old buddy?
Well, I know
what it feels like...
when you've lived with someone a
long time, got really close to them,
and suddenly they're
not there anymore.
I remember years ago,
I had this hamster Louise.
[Sobs]
One day I came home.
The cage was tipped
over, and she was gone.
Oh, I know. It's not the
same thing as a wife.
But those first few days, I
thought I'd go out of my mind.
You know how I got over it?
I went right out and
got another hamster.
You... You see what
I'm gettin' at, Murray?
No. What's your point, Ted?
I think you oughta go
out and get a hamster.
Anyway, it's not like
I left Marie for good.
I just thought we
should have a little
cooling-down period,
time to think things over.
In fact, I'm gonna call
her right now. [Bell Rings]
Murray, I know it's your life
and I don't wanna get involved,
but I think you're an
idiot if you call Marie.
Don't you see it?
You're both engaged
in a battle of wills.
You want a baby, she doesn't. The only
question is: Who's gonna give in first?
Remember, you're the
man. You're the strong one.
All you've gotta do
is hold your ground.
Stay away from her.
Sooner or later, Marie will
give in and have that kid.
Then you can go home.
I don't know, Ted. She feels
pretty strongly about this.
Like she said, it's her body.
Sure it is, but that doesn't mean
you can't borrow it for a little while.
No, it's not just that.
She really thinks there are
too many people in the world.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I went to the movies the other
night to see The Great Gatsby.
There couldn't have been more
than six people in the whole theater.
Well, she's got a point, Ted.
Overpopulation
is a real problem.
Sure, overpopulation
is a problem.
That's why people
should have lots of babies.
Because one day one of those babies
is gonna grow up and solve that problem.
Maybe I won't
call Marie tonight.
That's the spirit, Murray.
Hey, and don't worry.
We'll get you a son yet.
[Chuckles]
Well, it's time to hit the deck.
Good night, Murr.
Good night, Ted.
[Sighs]
I hope and pray... [Muttering]
What was that?
- Huh? Nothing. Nothing.
- Ted, were you praying?
Well, a little. It's a habit I
got into when I was a kid.
- What were you praying for?
- You wouldn't be interested.
No, Ted, come on.
I would be. What?
Well, that...
everything will work out
between you and Marie.
And that... And that what, Ted?
And that Mary will bring some more
barbecue chicken for lunch tomorrow.
That had to be one of the worst
restaurants you and I have ever gone to.
Well, there was one advantage.
We got home early.
True. [Doorbell Buzzes]
I'll be right back.
You wanna try to
remember where we were?
Mary, you gotta help me.
Could I help you tomorrow, Murr?
Hi, Andy. I'm not
interrupting anything, am I?
- I'll always wonder.
- Look, I won't be any bother.
I'll just sit up here.
You see, Andy, my wife and I had a big
argument, and I don't have anyplace to go.
- I thought
you were staying with Ted.
- Yeah, that was last night.
I'm not gonna go
through that again.
He woke me up at 3:00 in the morning and
asked, "Do you wanna have a pillow fight?"
Well, Murr, what's on your mind?
Well...
Maybe I'd better go.
No, no, Andy. Don't go.
It would help if
you did. Uh, Murray!
Mary, it's all right. I'll
talk to you tomorrow.
I'm really sorry about this. Why
don't you two go out tomorrow night?
- I can't. I'm busy.
- The night after?
- I play poker.
- Friday?
It's a date!
Good night.
All right, what is it?
Well, Mary, I, uh... I wanna
talk to you about this son thing.
Oh, Murray, not
the son thing again!
Murray, you are one of
the dearest people I know,
but the last couple of days
you have been acting like a jerk!
Mary, don't you understand?
There's something inside of me
that wants a touch of immortality.
I want the world to know that
Murray Slaughter was here.
Don't you see? I want to leave
a little piece of myself behind.
Why don't you pickle a kidney?
Mary!
Look, I...
I can understand
your wanting a son.
But what I can't
understand is what you're
putting Marie and the
girls through because of it.
Neither can I.
I guess it was something that Ted
said that made me realize I was wrong.
What'd he say?
He said I was right.
Well, if you realize
you're wrong,
why don't you tell Marie?
Because I've gone
too far already.
After all this, how can I just pick up
the phone and tell her I was wrong?
Murray, you told me. Go on.
Tell her.
Okay. Go.
Hello, honey? It's me.
Listen, I'm coming home.
And I have a terrific idea.
Let's have our
favorite dinner...
and some ice cream for dessert.
Okay. With chocolate sauce.
- Didn't I tell you?
- Yeah.
Now would you put
your mommy on, please?
Where's my lunch?
It'll be here any minute.
Murray's not in yet? It's 1:00.
He called a few minutes ago. He
said he had a meeting at his lawyer's.
He's not having trouble with
Marie again. I don't think so.
I had dinner at their house a couple of
nights ago. They seemed perfectly happy.
I hope you're right. What
are you eatin'? Chicken.
Thank you.
Say, Mary, is
that, uh... Yes, Ted.
[Chuckling] Gee, thanks.
Mmm!
Gee, I hope Murray's marriage
works out as much as you do.
But I still say Murray never should
have come crawling back to her.
Ted, don't talk with your
mouth full. And your brain empty.
[Murray] Hey, everybody!
[Lou] Hi.
Everybody, I got a
terrific announcement.
Marie and I are
gonna have a son.
Hey! Oh, Murray!
That's wonderful! Thanks, Mary.
That's good news. Good
news. Thank you, Lou.
You took my advice and
slipped her a Mickey, huh?
Nah, you don't understand.
That night I went back to Marie, we
talked it over and decided to adopt.
- Oh, Murray, what a great idea.
- Yeah!
Doesn't that take a long time? Well,
usually. But that's the great thing.
There's this nine-year-old
boy from Vietnam.
A couple in St. Paul arranged
to bring him over here,
but they broke up and he's available, and
my lawyer just worked out all the details.
- What's he like? Have you seen him?
- Not yet.
Marie picked him up this morning.
She's gonna bring him over here.
- I'm really excited!
- Oh, Murray!
I think that's really
great, Murray!
That reminds me of
a story I once heard.
This little boy got
lost in the forest,
and this pack of wolves found
him and took him back to the den.
The wolves fed him, cared for him and
raised him like he was one of their own.
Gee, must have come as quite a surprise
when they finally told him he was adopted.
Yeah.
Hello, everybody.
I'd like for you
to meet Le Chan.
Hello, Le Chan.
I'm Murray Slaughter.
I'm your... her husband.
Hello.
Hello.
I'd like to introduce
you around.
- This is Mary Richards.
- Hello.
Hello.
This is Mr. Grant.
How you doin', kid? Hello.
This is Ted Baxter.
Hello, young man.
Gee, Murray, he
looks just like you.
Terrific kid, isn't he?
Oh, he's beautiful.
Ah.
He wants me to take
him to the bathroom.
- [Laughing]
- You know, it's really funny.
When I used to think
about having a boy,
I always pictured myself taking him to
a ball game or taking him to the circus.
But I guess this is what
it's really like having a boy...
Taking him to the bathroom.
It's a lovely story, but
don't you think you oughta...
Oh, yeah. Come on, Le Chan.
Hiya, Phil! Hi.
Corned beef, rye,
orange soda. [Mary] Yeah.
Hey, Phil, what's
your last name again?
Kramer. Oh, yeah.
Uh, Phil Kramer,
I'd like to have
you meet... my son.
Hello.
Hello. Hey, come on!
We gotta get going.
[Typing]
Terrific! Hey, that's
wonderful. Look what he typed.
"Zrgggtrghnmyfanezunfysselert."
He types the way Ted reads.
Hey, are you guys ready
to go to lunch? Oh, yeah!
Hey, hold it, hold it. I've got a little
trick here I wanna show Le Chan.
Abracadabra! Alakazam!
Look at that. I pulled a
quarter right out of your ear.
Uh, Le Chan. My quarter?
My ear.
[Mews]
world on with her smile ♪
♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪
♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪
♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪
♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪
♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪
♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪
♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪
♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪
Anybody wanna join
me for lunch? I'm starved.
No, thanks, Ted. Mary?
No, I brought my lunch too, Ted.
Hey, that looks good.
It is.
What is that? Chicken?
Yeah. Chicken.
Looks like it's got
sauce on it. Mm-hmm.
Barbecue sauce.
I made it last night.
How many pieces you got there?
Three legs and a breast.
That must have been
a funny-looking chicken.
Really looks tasty. Mmm. It is.
You can eat all that yourself?
Ted, would you, by any
chance, care for... Yes! That one.
Thanks, Mar. Mmm!
That's the best
chicken I ever tasted.
Say, Murray, the station's got two tickets
to the hockey game on Saturday night.
- Wanna take one of your kids?
- Thanks, Lou, but my girls
don't care much for hockey.
I'll take 'em.
- Ted, you don't like hockey.
- No, but I can sell them
to someone who does.
How are the girls, Murr? I
haven't seen them in months.
Oh, terrific. Susie's
gonna be six next week.
Marie and I took her
shopping and I said, if
she could choose
anything in the whole world,
what would she pick?
- She said, "A charge account."
- [Both Laugh]
- It must be really nice
to have three daughters.
- Yeah, it sure is, Ted.
I mean, after sons
they're the next best thing.
My girls are the best
thing, not the next best.
Hey, I've got
nothing against girls.
I think girls are great.
Look at Mary. She
used to be a girl.
Yeah, once upon a time.
I was reading this article
in the Police Gazette.
It explains what makes
a baby boy or girl.
See, our bodies are filled with
little things called chromosomes.
When it comes time to
make a baby, the mother
always puts out a
chromosome called "X."
But the father...
can put out either an "X"
chromosome or a "Y" chromosome.
If he puts out an "X," it's a girl.
If he puts out a "Y," it's a boy.
So, you see, Murray, it's not your
fault if you don't have any sons.
You just haven't been able to come
up with a "Y" when you needed one.
Some guys are like
that. They're short on Y's.
On the other hand, take a guy like
me who's strong, rugged and tough.
I'll bet I got Y's
coming out of my ears.
I bet I'm lousy with Y's.
Or even without
them. [Laughs] Right.
You know, it's funny.
When Marie and I first got married
we agreed we'd have two kids,
and I just assumed one would
be a girl and one would be a boy.
Of course, when Bonnie and Ellen
came I was crazy about them both.
But still, in the back of my
mind I couldn't help wondering...
what it would be
like to have a son.
I knew Marie didn't
want any more kids.
So what I did was, one night I
took her to this romantic place...
for dinner and dancing
and a little champagne...
and kinda talked her
into having another kid.
- Your son Susie?
- Right.
Not exactly what I'd planned,
but, well, I wouldn't
trade her for 10 sons.
Still, every now and then
I feel it'd be kinda nice...
to have a little
boy to buy toys for,
take to the playground
or to teach how to read.
I don't see what your problem
is. You can do all that with Ted.
You know, it's really dumb,
isn't it? [Punching Keypad]
I mean, why does a guy
think his life isn't complete...
until he reproduces a
miniature version of himself?
It's just dumb.
Hello, Marie?
Hey, listen, honey, uh,
let's go out to eat tonight.
Yeah, get a sitter, and, uh...
Why not, Lou? I'm sorry, Ted.
My anchorman is not going to be a
judge at a Miss Nude Minnesota contest.
[Knocking] Come in.
Oh. Sorry. If you're
busy I'll come back later.
No, no, no, no. We're
finished. What's on your mind?
Ted, uh, this is
sort of private.
It's all right. Anything you want to say to
me you can say in front of Lou. Sit down.
Look, uh, I want to ask
you guys a question. Shoot.
Well, say a man wants to
have a child and his wife doesn't.
What do you do?
- You want another kid?
- Well, yeah.
I've been thinking about this for a
long time, and I'd like to have a son.
Is there anything
wrong in wanting a son,
my own flesh and blood,
to carry on my name?
Of course not.
If people didn't have sons, we wouldn't
be discussing this problem right now.
We'd be three chicks!
Lulu, Muriel... and Veronica.
- Ted, how'd you get Veronica?
- Well, who wants
a silly name like Theodora?
Anyway, Marie and I had
a big fight about it last night.
Don't I have the right to
have a child if I want to?
Well, yeah, sure. But, uh,
Marie has her rights too.
Hold it. Hold it, hold it.
When a woman becomes a wife,
she promises to love, honor
and obey... O-B-E-Y. Obey.
Now, that's a legal,
binding contract.
She just can't walk off the
job anytime she wants to.
And if she does,
you can claim a violation of that contract
and sue her for every penny she's got.
Look, I don't want
Marie to obey me.
I want her to want what I want.
Well, even if she doesn't want it
I think she should do it anyway.
I mean, what's the big deal?
All you're doing is
asking her to go to a
hospital for a couple
hours and have a baby.
It's not as if you were asking
for a year out of her life.
Lou. Lou?
Lou, what do you
think I should do?
Look, Murray, you and Marie
are both intelligent people.
You've got a problem,
you sit down and discuss it.
You tell her how you feel,
she tells you how she feels,
and between the two of
you you figure out a solution.
Right.
And if that doesn't work,
slip something into her drink.
Shut up, Veronica!
Whew! Boy. Want some coffee?
Great. Thanks for helping, Mary.
If you hadn't been there,
it would have taken two hours to decide
between the blue dress and the green one.
Yeah. With me there
it only took three.
It really is a good
thing you came.
If I'd been by myself, I probably
would've picked the green dress.
Did you like the
green dress better?
Well, I did until you said
you liked the blue dress.
No, I didn't say that I
liked the blue dress.
Remember, I said I
couldn't make up my mind.
The saleslady said she liked the
blue dress. Then you agreed with her.
And then I said I liked the blue
dress because I thought you liked it.
You mean, you didn't
like the blue dress either?
No, it was the saleslady
who said she liked the blue.
Oh, well, as long
as one of us likes it.
[Doorbell Buzzes]
Marie! What a nice
surprise! Hi, Mary.
Oh, I don't think you know Georgette
Franklin. Marie Slaughter, Murray's wife.
Hi, Georgette. Want some coffee?
Oh, yes, I'd love it.
I feel as if I know you so well.
Murray's told me all about you.
Ted told me about
you too. Oh, really?
What'd he say?
Not much.
Just that you have blond
hair, that you're very nice...
and you don't want
to get pregnant.
- There aren't many secrets
in that office, are there?
- No.
Gee, I'm sorry. I didn't
know it was a secret.
Please forget I told you.
That's all right, Georgette.
Actually, Mary, that's what I
came over to talk to you about.
I really do need your advice.
Yeah, sure. What can I do?
Did something happen at the
office yesterday? What do you mean?
Well, when Murray came
home last night after work,
he made it sound as if our marriage
depended on my having another baby.
Oh, that's what that session in
Mr. Grant's office was all about. Hmm.
[Kettle Whistling] Murray's just
thinking about what he wants.
What about me?
Finally, our youngest is
in kindergarten this year.
For the first time in 18 years,
I have a little time to myself... two
and a half hours after breakfast...
And Murray wants me to
fill it with morning sickness.
- What would you do
if you were me?
- I'd cry.
Well, aside from all that,
I just don't think it's
right, what with all
the overpopulation
and famine in the world.
Mary, do you think that it's wrong
that I don't want to have another baby?
I really would like an answer.
Do you think that I'm wrong?
Oh, no, Marie.
No. Of course I don't
think that you're wrong.
On the other hand, it's hard
to say that Murray's wrong too.
I mean, I can understand your point of view
completely. There is no argument there.
Still, I understand
how Murray feels too.
I'm not saying that I agree with him...
just that I understand how he feels.
Of course, just as I
understand how you feel.
On the other hand, it's...
Marie, I don't know
what to tell you to do.
I bet that saleslady
would know what to do.
Good morning. Good morning.
Mr. Grant, I have
something to say,
so I might as well just say it.
Okay.
I don't know what you said
to Murray in there on Friday,
but on Saturday Marie came over
to my house and she was upset.
Hey, all I told Murray was that this
whole business of having a kid or not...
was something they had
to work out between them.
Really? Yeah.
I'm so glad to hear that, because
that's just what I told Marie.
I feel very strongly that you and I and
everyone else should not get involved.
That's why I told Murray what I
told him. I didn't want to take sides.
Even though, as it happens, I
think Murray's got a good case.
- A good case?
- Sure.
A man doesn't feel complete until
he has a son. Oh, come on, Mr. Grant!
You've got three daughters. Do you
ever seriously wish they were sons?
Yeah. When they stayed
out till 2:00 in the morning.
Well, I don't think it's fair to ask Marie
to have a baby if she doesn't want one.
Sometimes I think men have no idea
what's involved in caring for a baby...
The amount of time that's
involved, the total commitment.
Hey. Why are you telling me? I've
got three kids. You don't have any.
Well, you don't have to be a
chicken to recognize an egg.
Well, you do if
you wanna lay one.
Anyway, don't tell me about
raising kids. I've done my share.
I don't know how many times I
had to get up at 4:00 in the morning...
to tell Edie the
baby was crying.
And I walked 'em plenty
of times myself too.
The point is that when
Murray and Marie got married,
they agreed they were only
going to have two children.
Right. A girl and a boy.
Marie didn't live up to
her end of the bargain.
It's all a big joke
to you, isn't it?
Well, a woman doesn't have to
have a baby if she doesn't want to.
Well, I say a man's entitled
to have a baby if he wants to.
[Laughing]
Well, Mr. Grant, on behalf
of women everywhere,
let me say we'd sure like
to be there when he has it.
She's got you there,
Lou. [Chuckles]
Hey, you two still fighting
about Murray's having a kid?
No, Ted, we're not fighting
about Murray's having a kid.
We are both staying out of this. We
are both neutral. Right, Mary? Right.
- Good morning, everyone.
- [All] Good morning!
- Everything all right?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- You and Marie
talk things over?
- Yeah, it's all settled.
I'm moving into a hotel tonight.
Murray.
You're not going to
a hotel. I won't hear
of it. You're gonna
spend the night with me.
It'll be terrific.
You don't wanna be alone.
Thanks, Ted. That's very nice
of you. We'll have a great time.
They're having a masquerade
party in the recreation room tonight,
and you can come
as anybody you like...
Except Batman and Robin,
because that's me and Georgette.
Wait till you see
my Robin costume.
Say, Murr, what's a guy like you doing
with a bottle of Wildroot Cream-Oil?
How's a guy like
me gonna use it up?
I really appreciate you letting
me stay over tonight, Ted.
Ah, it's no trouble.
Got an extra bed.
Why do you have twin beds?
Well, you never know when a
chick might wanna stay over.
If you, uh, get my drift.
You don't feel much like
laughing tonight, do ya, old buddy?
Well, I know
what it feels like...
when you've lived with someone a
long time, got really close to them,
and suddenly they're
not there anymore.
I remember years ago,
I had this hamster Louise.
[Sobs]
One day I came home.
The cage was tipped
over, and she was gone.
Oh, I know. It's not the
same thing as a wife.
But those first few days, I
thought I'd go out of my mind.
You know how I got over it?
I went right out and
got another hamster.
You... You see what
I'm gettin' at, Murray?
No. What's your point, Ted?
I think you oughta go
out and get a hamster.
Anyway, it's not like
I left Marie for good.
I just thought we
should have a little
cooling-down period,
time to think things over.
In fact, I'm gonna call
her right now. [Bell Rings]
Murray, I know it's your life
and I don't wanna get involved,
but I think you're an
idiot if you call Marie.
Don't you see it?
You're both engaged
in a battle of wills.
You want a baby, she doesn't. The only
question is: Who's gonna give in first?
Remember, you're the
man. You're the strong one.
All you've gotta do
is hold your ground.
Stay away from her.
Sooner or later, Marie will
give in and have that kid.
Then you can go home.
I don't know, Ted. She feels
pretty strongly about this.
Like she said, it's her body.
Sure it is, but that doesn't mean
you can't borrow it for a little while.
No, it's not just that.
She really thinks there are
too many people in the world.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I went to the movies the other
night to see The Great Gatsby.
There couldn't have been more
than six people in the whole theater.
Well, she's got a point, Ted.
Overpopulation
is a real problem.
Sure, overpopulation
is a problem.
That's why people
should have lots of babies.
Because one day one of those babies
is gonna grow up and solve that problem.
Maybe I won't
call Marie tonight.
That's the spirit, Murray.
Hey, and don't worry.
We'll get you a son yet.
[Chuckles]
Well, it's time to hit the deck.
Good night, Murr.
Good night, Ted.
[Sighs]
I hope and pray... [Muttering]
What was that?
- Huh? Nothing. Nothing.
- Ted, were you praying?
Well, a little. It's a habit I
got into when I was a kid.
- What were you praying for?
- You wouldn't be interested.
No, Ted, come on.
I would be. What?
Well, that...
everything will work out
between you and Marie.
And that... And that what, Ted?
And that Mary will bring some more
barbecue chicken for lunch tomorrow.
That had to be one of the worst
restaurants you and I have ever gone to.
Well, there was one advantage.
We got home early.
True. [Doorbell Buzzes]
I'll be right back.
You wanna try to
remember where we were?
Mary, you gotta help me.
Could I help you tomorrow, Murr?
Hi, Andy. I'm not
interrupting anything, am I?
- I'll always wonder.
- Look, I won't be any bother.
I'll just sit up here.
You see, Andy, my wife and I had a big
argument, and I don't have anyplace to go.
- I thought
you were staying with Ted.
- Yeah, that was last night.
I'm not gonna go
through that again.
He woke me up at 3:00 in the morning and
asked, "Do you wanna have a pillow fight?"
Well, Murr, what's on your mind?
Well...
Maybe I'd better go.
No, no, Andy. Don't go.
It would help if
you did. Uh, Murray!
Mary, it's all right. I'll
talk to you tomorrow.
I'm really sorry about this. Why
don't you two go out tomorrow night?
- I can't. I'm busy.
- The night after?
- I play poker.
- Friday?
It's a date!
Good night.
All right, what is it?
Well, Mary, I, uh... I wanna
talk to you about this son thing.
Oh, Murray, not
the son thing again!
Murray, you are one of
the dearest people I know,
but the last couple of days
you have been acting like a jerk!
Mary, don't you understand?
There's something inside of me
that wants a touch of immortality.
I want the world to know that
Murray Slaughter was here.
Don't you see? I want to leave
a little piece of myself behind.
Why don't you pickle a kidney?
Mary!
Look, I...
I can understand
your wanting a son.
But what I can't
understand is what you're
putting Marie and the
girls through because of it.
Neither can I.
I guess it was something that Ted
said that made me realize I was wrong.
What'd he say?
He said I was right.
Well, if you realize
you're wrong,
why don't you tell Marie?
Because I've gone
too far already.
After all this, how can I just pick up
the phone and tell her I was wrong?
Murray, you told me. Go on.
Tell her.
Okay. Go.
Hello, honey? It's me.
Listen, I'm coming home.
And I have a terrific idea.
Let's have our
favorite dinner...
and some ice cream for dessert.
Okay. With chocolate sauce.
- Didn't I tell you?
- Yeah.
Now would you put
your mommy on, please?
Where's my lunch?
It'll be here any minute.
Murray's not in yet? It's 1:00.
He called a few minutes ago. He
said he had a meeting at his lawyer's.
He's not having trouble with
Marie again. I don't think so.
I had dinner at their house a couple of
nights ago. They seemed perfectly happy.
I hope you're right. What
are you eatin'? Chicken.
Thank you.
Say, Mary, is
that, uh... Yes, Ted.
[Chuckling] Gee, thanks.
Mmm!
Gee, I hope Murray's marriage
works out as much as you do.
But I still say Murray never should
have come crawling back to her.
Ted, don't talk with your
mouth full. And your brain empty.
[Murray] Hey, everybody!
[Lou] Hi.
Everybody, I got a
terrific announcement.
Marie and I are
gonna have a son.
Hey! Oh, Murray!
That's wonderful! Thanks, Mary.
That's good news. Good
news. Thank you, Lou.
You took my advice and
slipped her a Mickey, huh?
Nah, you don't understand.
That night I went back to Marie, we
talked it over and decided to adopt.
- Oh, Murray, what a great idea.
- Yeah!
Doesn't that take a long time? Well,
usually. But that's the great thing.
There's this nine-year-old
boy from Vietnam.
A couple in St. Paul arranged
to bring him over here,
but they broke up and he's available, and
my lawyer just worked out all the details.
- What's he like? Have you seen him?
- Not yet.
Marie picked him up this morning.
She's gonna bring him over here.
- I'm really excited!
- Oh, Murray!
I think that's really
great, Murray!
That reminds me of
a story I once heard.
This little boy got
lost in the forest,
and this pack of wolves found
him and took him back to the den.
The wolves fed him, cared for him and
raised him like he was one of their own.
Gee, must have come as quite a surprise
when they finally told him he was adopted.
Yeah.
Hello, everybody.
I'd like for you
to meet Le Chan.
Hello, Le Chan.
I'm Murray Slaughter.
I'm your... her husband.
Hello.
Hello.
I'd like to introduce
you around.
- This is Mary Richards.
- Hello.
Hello.
This is Mr. Grant.
How you doin', kid? Hello.
This is Ted Baxter.
Hello, young man.
Gee, Murray, he
looks just like you.
Terrific kid, isn't he?
Oh, he's beautiful.
Ah.
He wants me to take
him to the bathroom.
- [Laughing]
- You know, it's really funny.
When I used to think
about having a boy,
I always pictured myself taking him to
a ball game or taking him to the circus.
But I guess this is what
it's really like having a boy...
Taking him to the bathroom.
It's a lovely story, but
don't you think you oughta...
Oh, yeah. Come on, Le Chan.
Hiya, Phil! Hi.
Corned beef, rye,
orange soda. [Mary] Yeah.
Hey, Phil, what's
your last name again?
Kramer. Oh, yeah.
Uh, Phil Kramer,
I'd like to have
you meet... my son.
Hello.
Hello. Hey, come on!
We gotta get going.
[Typing]
Terrific! Hey, that's
wonderful. Look what he typed.
"Zrgggtrghnmyfanezunfysselert."
He types the way Ted reads.
Hey, are you guys ready
to go to lunch? Oh, yeah!
Hey, hold it, hold it. I've got a little
trick here I wanna show Le Chan.
Abracadabra! Alakazam!
Look at that. I pulled a
quarter right out of your ear.
Uh, Le Chan. My quarter?
My ear.
[Mews]