Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 10 - What Are Friends For? - full transcript

Both Murray and Ted vie for the one spot the news team has for the weekend broadcaster's convention in Chicago. To their dismay, Lou plans to go himself, that is until he learns that Sue Ann is also going, she who wants to spend all their time together. To get out from Sue Ann's lair, Lou, on the spur of the moment, decides to send Mary instead. Although angry with Mary at first since she won't be able to spend that much anticipated time with Lou, Sue Ann instead wants to be joined at the hip with Mary in Chicago, which is the furthest thing from Mary's mind. What Sue Ann also seems to want is to "have a good time" and to be the center of attention among her old Chicago colleagues, or if that doesn't work out, then with any other male conventioneers who are also out to have a good time. What happens that weekend shows why Sue Ann is so desperate to be in the middle of all the fun.

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Hi, guys. Hello, Ted.

What do you got there,
Murray? What does it look like?

I'm changing my ribbon.
The other one's worn out.

A good workman
never blames his tools.

A good workman doesn't
have to write for one.

Hey, you two, you're starting
kind of early today, aren't you?

You're right, Mar. You're right.

Ted, I apologize.

Oh, Mary, look what he did!

Murray, what's
gotten into you today?

He's just jealous 'cause I'm
going to Chicago, and he isn't.

What makes you so sure
Lou's gonna pick you?

He certainly isn't gonna pick someone
who can't even change a typewriter ribbon.

Pick someone for what?
What's all this about Chicago?

Lou got a call last
night. They want us...

to send one delegate to
the broadcasters' convention.

Three whole days,
everything paid for.

Why do you wanna go? You're
married. What's that got to do with it?

Come on, Mary. Guys at a
convention at a hotel in a strange town?

Does that suggest a
certain atmosphere?

Yeah, it sure does. A bunch of
middle-aged drunks in funny hats...

asking some cab driver
where the action is.

Cab driver, huh?

Well, I take it you're not
interested in being our delegate?

Me? No. No way.

Murray, you don't
suppose with my bad luck...

You? It'd be wasted on you!

You're not a guy. You
don't even have credit cards.

Anyway, what are we arguing?

Lou's gonna make up his own mind.
Nothing we say is gonna influence him.

Lou, let me go to the
convention. I'm ready to go.

Yeah. His mother was up all night
sewing name tags into his shorts.

Why do you two guys
wanna go so much?

Well, it's a chance
to see Chicago again.

Take in a couple of
restaurants, go to a

basketball game, have
some drinks with the guys.

- Just have a little fun.
- Maybe you're right. I'll go.

Let me go, Lou! What do you got
against me? What'd I ever do to you?


There you are, Lou. I
tracked you to your lair.

My lair? Oh, sure.

I always think of you
as a big, gruff bear.

You hide in here
and growl at people,

but you have a playful side too.


The bear is the clown of
the animal world, Lou. Oh.

His lumbering gait conceals a prancing
spirit. I always think of you that way.


Crouching, skulking in your lair
until just the right moment comes...

to rush outside
and kill someone.

I don't always have
to rush outside.

Sometimes, they
come right into my cave.

[Chuckling] Lou,
you don't scare me.

I know. What can I
do for you, Sue Ann?

What flight are you
taking to Chicago? Why?

Well, I thought we should
travel together for the company.

I didn't know you were going.

Who would miss
a chance like this?

Three days and nights
in the city where...

I had my first program.

It was a cooking show
called Let's Talk About Meat.

Oh, Lou, I will show you the
town. We'll go everywhere together.

We'll see everything.
We'll do everything.

It'll give you something to remember
and talk about for years afterward.

So what's your flight number?

I'm not goin'. Mary is.

Good morning. Ah, morning, Mar.

[Groans] Murray, I wish you were
going to Chicago instead of me.

Well, to tell you the truth, Marie wasn't
too crazy about the idea to begin with.

Don't get me wrong, Mar.
She's very understanding.

If I told her I was going, she
would accept it in silence...

which would last until February.

Besides, Lou chose you.


Hi, guys. [Together] Hi, Ted.

Brought your suitcases
to the newsroom, huh?

Really rubbing it in, eh, Mary?

- No, Ted.
- Sure.

- The old
Statue of Liberty play.
- Ted!

Let Murray and me knock each other
off while you pick up all the marbles.

Ted... I could say,
"Enjoy yourself, Mary."

I could say, "Have a good
time," but that would be phony.

I'm too much an up-front guy for that,
so I'm gonna level with you as a friend.

I hope you have a
rotten stay in Chicago.

I hope it rains all the time,
and you can't go to the beach!

I know what you're going to say.

"There's no beach in Chicago."
Well, I just remembered that.

But there's a lake, Mary. I
hope you can't make it to the lake.

I hope it rains the
whole time you're there.

Ted, you realize, of course,
this means no postcard.

Who wants a picture of the
Empire State Building anyway?

I know! I know.

The Empire State
Building isn't in Chicago.

Well, tough!

All set for the Windy City,
Mary? That toddlin' town?

Mmm. Mr. Grant, are
you sure you won't go?

I'd like to go. I really
would. It... It'd be fun.

Oh, Mr. Grant, would it be fun!

Lots of fun. A lot of
drinkin' with the guys.

A lot of good stuff. Mmm.

I'm glad you're
lookin' forward to it.

I'd go, but I can't
get away this week.

I've gotta get my car washed,

go to the barber
shop, buy some socks.

Believe me, Mary, there
are lots of good reasons.

- Hello, Sue Ann.
- Don't "hello" me, Mary.

I find that kind of hypocrisy
a little hard to swallow.

"Hello" is hypocritical?

If you were that desperate
for a trip to Chicago,

you have my pity. Sue Ann...

To deprive a hardworking man
like Lou Grant of a good time...

simply to advance your
own career is deplorable.

- But he asked me to go.
- Competing with a man is both
aggressive and unfeminine.

Now, I don't know what
you hope to achieve,

but your ambition
is certainly obvious.

No, Sue Ann, Mr. Grant can't go.

He's gotta go to the barber and
get... He's got a haircut, new socks...

I've never heard such
transparent hogwash in all my life.

Neither have I.

Okay. Here's your closet,

bathroom, light switch, coffee
maker, TV, air conditioner.

You won't be needing that.
We're supposed to have...

three straight days
of cold, wind and rain.

[Door Closes] Baxter's
curse strikes again.


Who is it? It's me,
dear... Sue Ann.

Open the door. Uh...

Gee, Sue Ann, I'm not really
sure how to work this lock.

[Knocking] Anyway, there's
somebody at my door.

There's nothing to it, dear.

You depress the latch
button and rotate your bolt.

See? Presto. Now we
can communicate at will.

You mean you're
in... In the next room.

Isn't that a piece of luck?


Mary. Mary, I'm not one to
bear a grudge. I never was.

Now, we have a whole long
weekend to enjoy together.

How foolish we'd be to let a few
cross words come between us.

Or a double door. Exactly.

It's kind of fun, isn't it?
Like being back in college.

Okay, you made your point,
Ted. You wanna call it off?

I even brought utensils. I
may do a dab of cooking.

I may do a dab of drinking.

While you unpack, dear,
I'll start the ball rolling.

I'm just calling my old station.

There's a wonderful
gang of guys there.

They'd never forgive me
if I didn't give them a buzz.

Hello. Is Steve
Norman there, please?

Good. Would you tell him
that Sue Ann Nivens is calling?

You should always lock your suitcase,
dear, and put the key in a safe place.

- In your shoe, say.
- In your hat.

Oh, Mr. Norman is
tied up in a meeting?

Then is Arnold Sutton there?

Good. Would you try him, please?
And be sure and tell him it's me.

When you're traveling,
always pack shoes bottom-up...

so as not to smudge
other clothes.

Just remember,
soles toward heaven.

[Forced Chuckle]
That's cute, Sue Ann.

Cute, cute, cute.

He's where?

He's in a meeting too?

Thank goodness. He's a
dreadful bore. We were lucky.

"We"? Uh, why do you say "we"?

Is Marvin Kruger there?

Sue Ann, please don't
include me in your plans, okay?

Mary, don't be silly. This is
Chicago. I know everybody.

Yeah, but I don't
wanna see everybody.

Really, Sue Ann,
I've got my own plans.

Tomorrow, I've got a day full
of meetings and theater tickets.

I wanna do some sightseeing. And tonight,
I'd really like to just go to bed early.

Suit yourself, dear. I...

Oh, Marvin's in a meeting too?

Well, thank you.

Anything wrinkled should be
hung in the bathroom and steamed.

Put tissue paper in your
shoes, and don't hang sweaters.

It gives you pointy shoulders.

I wonder what kind of meeting Marvin
the janitor would go to? [Phone Ringing]


Yes. Just a minute. Thank you.

Uh, Sue Ann, you wanna...

Oh, surely, dear. Thank you.

And don't forget, put slacks under
the mattress during the night...

so while we sleep,
we press our pants.

Hello? Oh, Mr. Grant. Hi.

What can I do for you?

Oh, you know, uh, I just wanted
to make sure you were okay.

- Tell her I did too.
- Yeah, Murray too.

Me and Murray wanted to
make sure you were okay.

That's it. Make me
look like a sorehead.

And Ted. You said it. I didn't.

So, um, you behaving
yourself there in that hotel room?

Mr. Grant, I'm a little too
tired to do anything else but.

I think when I hang up, I'm just gonna
wash my hair, read a book and get into bed.

I'm just planning a
nice quiet evening alone.

Good news, Mary.
Look what I found.

Mary, I want you to
meet Hal and Freddy.

We're not on a last name basis
yet. They're here for a convention too.

Pleased to meet you, Mary.
Not half as pleased as I am.

If we're intruding,
please tell us.

- Not that we'll stop,
but please tell us.
- Do you have any ice, Mary?

Oh, good. She's got glasses.

It's fun to make passes
at girls who have glasses.

- Sue Ann...
- I met them in the hall.

- They were looking
for the ice machine.
- It's not in here.

Well, we can send for some.
Are you using that phone?

Uh, yes. I, uh...
Mr. Grant, just a...

- Sue Ann, could I speak
to you for a minute, please?
- Who needs ice?

Well, actually, overchilling spoils
the bouquet of really fine whiskey.

This is not all that fine. You
can call for ice from my room.

May I, uh, sit down?

Yes, please. Mr. Grant...

No, it's, uh, Sue Ann
and some friends.


What do you mean,
"work fast"? Mr. Grant...

Tell Lou he's missing
the time of his life.

Who's Lou? He's my boss
in Minneapolis. Please.

Let me talk to him a
second. Just a second.

Hello, Lou? It's
Freddy. Could I...

I'm a friend of Mary's.
Yeah. Listen. May I please...

I'll tell you what you should do. You
should double this little lady's salary.

May I please have the phone?
That's telling him, huh, Mary?

It certainly is. Mr. Grant...
Mr. Grant, I'll see you on Monday.

Sue Ann, may I speak
to you for a minute alone?

Oh, I get it. A
little girl talk, huh?

Well, I can take a hint.

Don't fight over me, girls.
There's plenty for everybody.

Mary, your behavior
is verging on rudeness.

Rudeness? This is my room!

And we are your guests.
But I don't want guests.

I wanna spend a
quiet evening alone.

I am only thinking of
Hal and Freddy, dear.

They're two lonely men in a big
city. They don't know where to turn.

Let them ask a cab driver.

Excuse us. We just
had a wonderful idea.

If you girls don't have
any plans for dinner...

Oh! Why don't you pick
us up in 10 minutes?

Sue Ann! All right. All right.

Make it 15. That'll give
us time to put our faces on.

You understand. Sure. But
don't worry about changing, Mary.

You look terrific just the way
you are. Oh, aren't you sweet?

- Hurry up and change.
- I'm not going anywhere.


stubbornness is a weed
that spoils our garden.

It poisons the soil,
chokes the other plants,

screens out all the sunshine.

Now, get the lead out.

Sue Ann, I am sure that
they are very nice men,

but I was really planning on spending
a nice, relaxing evening in a hot tub.

Life is too short, Mary. We must
gather our rosebuds while we may.

You can take a hot bath
and relax when you're dead.

Why won't you understand that
I don't want to go out to dinner?

All right, Mary. If that's how you
feel, we'll forget about Hal and Freddy.

Good. Thank you.

The two of us will
stay here all evening,

and we'll try to analyze the
serious problem you have...

in-in dealing with other people.

You know, I've always
thought it would be interesting...

to delve into Mary
Richards's psyche and...

And find out who you really are.

It'll just take me a
minute to change.

You're a good friend, Mary.
It's gonna be a fun evening.

[Knocking] We're
not dressed yet,

but you can take
us the way we are.

Okay, but you'll have
to wait till I'm off duty.

♪♪ [Soft Jazz]

Well, now, how about some wine?

Oh, now, wine is a man's
department. Why don't you order it?

All right, all right. Do you,
uh... Do you like red or white?

I would suggest, however,
a robust burgundy...

with enough body so it's not
overwhelmed by the steak au poivre.

I don't care.
Well, neither do I.

Why don't we just
forget about the wine?

So, what convention are
you fellas with? ♪♪ [Ends]

[Applause] Well, now, take a
guess. What do we look like?

Oh, I don't wanna
guess. I hate that.

Oh, come on. No, I hate
guessing. I always guess wrong.

- Go on. You'll die.
- No, I won't.

You'd better. We're morticians.

I should've
guessed that. No, no.

No, you see, that's the
problem. We've got this

gloomy image, and
we're trying to change it.

And we're succeeding. Yes.

How did you get interested
in, uh, what you do?

I like being around people.

You don't get rich,
but you drive a big car.

Who gets the planter's punch?

Planter's punch!

Oh. Planter's punch!

Plants. Yes.

Ground. [Sue Ann] Oh, dear.

You see, Mary, our profession teaches
us not to fear death. ♪♪ [Resumes]

- Really?
- Why should we fear it?

We get a 70% discount.

Listen, enough about us, Mary.
Let's, uh... Let's talk about you.

Would you care to
dance? Oh, no, thank you.

What... What do
you do for a living?

How about Sue Ann? All right.

What does she do for a living?

Why, I have a little TV show.

Really? It's really
interesting too.

She's the Happy Homemaker.
She gives tips. Is that right?

Yes. For instance,

did you know that fresh flowers will last
a week if their stems are dipped in salt?

Isn't that interesting?
We don't need 'em a week.

Are you sure you don't
wanna dance, Mary?

Look at that button.
You're gonna lose that.

Well, it's like we always say:

Nothing lasts forever.

You know, since so few
people carry a needle,

if you just wrap cellophane around those
remaining threads, you can save them.

I don't carry cellophane.

I do.

You do?

Isn't that nice?

I'll bet you move like a
cat on the dance floor.

[Hal] Say, let's take her
up to Norman's party later.

Oh, good idea! Oh, no,
I don't think so, really.

We're both very tired
after that long flight.

It was an hour on the plane.

It'll be a real hoot, Mary. I'll bet
you've never been to a mortician's party.

Right. Well, why not give in?

Sooner or later,
we're gonna get ya!

Sue Ann?

Sue Ann, won't
you open the door?

Come on. There's nothing to it.

You simply depress your
latch button and rotate your bolt.

Oh, come on, Sue
Ann. Don't be upset.

Upset? Why should I be upset?

It's perfectly obvious they
preferred me. Can you deny it?

No, no. Certainly can't.

Don't patronize
me, Mary. I hate that.

What are you doing? I always
cook when I'm really bugged.

Some people clean, some
people wash their hair.

With me, it's chocolate fondue.

I was going to use this in a Pyrex
seminar tomorrow, but my needs come first.

All right. Let's assume
they preferred you.

Hey, look, I'm really sorry. Although,
why should we assume a thing like that?

Because they sat next to you,

talked to you, danced
with you, flattered you?

No, no. I laughed at their
rotten mortician jokes.

And at that party
afterwards, it was painfully

obvious those jokes
turned your stomach.

But I laughed...

for three hours at a party where
we were the only women there...

who weren't paid to be there.

You're a good sport, Sue
Ann. Really, a good sport.

Tell me something, Mary.

Doesn't it ever bother you that you were
the obvious favorite of a group of men...

who spend all their
time with dead people?

Sue Ann, look, everyone
has dates that don't work out.

Rejection. That's what
we're talking about, Mary.

Rejection. Say it. I
wanna hear you say it.


You can't even say
it with conviction.

- Sue Ann,
everyone's been rejected.
- Everyone but you.

That's not true! Tell
me one instance.

There have been plenty of cases.

Tell me one
humiliating instance.


Okay, all right. Um,
a couple years ago,

I was dating a guy, and
I decided to break it off.

And then three months later
when I changed my mind,

I called him, and he
was dating someone else.

- There.
- You call that rejection?

Okay, maybe that wasn't the perfect
example. I'll tell you rejection, Mary.

Rejection is dressing
for dates who don't show.

Waiting for people
who don't call.

Giving a party for someone
who's left the country.

Oh, come on, Sue
Ann. What's the point?

Rejection is cooking dinner
for a man's entire family...

11 people, Mary...
11 Hungarian people...

Cooking dinner for six hours
and having none of them show up.

- You don't forget
a thing like that.
- No, I'm sure you don't.

Your butcher
doesn't forget it either.

Ever try to return eight pounds
of filets stripped for Stroganoff?

Now, that's rejection.

Those are all actual
true-life examples of rejection.

Aw, Sue Ann.

And every one of them
happened to my sister.

Okay, I hated tonight.
I really hated it.

I hate seeing a friend hurt. And the thing
that makes it worse with you, Sue Ann,

is you... You pretend
it doesn't matter.

You never let people
see how you really feel.

I'm not a schoolgirl, Mary.

Life it too short
to give in to things.

Oh! Oh, would you...

Oh, for Pete's... How
do they expect you...

to make a chocolate
fondue on a dumb...

I can't even... [Sobbing]

Oh, Sue Ann.

Oh. Hey.

You know what I hate
worst about crying?

What? Your dimples don't show.

Yeah, they do.

Oh, good.

And the third day, it rained again.
I never got out of that hotel room.

It was the dullest, dreariest, most
depressing weekend I ever spent in my life.

Just awful. You're not saying
that just to make me feel good?

Don't look to me for
any sympathy, Mar.

The high point of my weekend
was killing two flies with one swat.

Good morning. Hi,
Lou. Hi, Mr. Grant.

I was just telling Ted and Murray
about my weekend in Chicago.

Uh-huh. Sounded like you
girls were having quite a time.

Oh, yeah, well, I wanted to
explain to you about that phone call.

Oh, don't feel you have
anything to explain to me, Mary.

No, no, no, Mr. Grant.
Really, I would like to.

Why? Because when I called you,

all I could hear was shrieks...

and giggles and the
sound of drunken laughter?

No, Mr. Grant. Believe me,

there is a perfectly logical
explanation for what you heard.

Oh, really, Mary?
And what is it?

We were having an orgy.


You were kidding, weren't
you, Mary? She's only kidding.

You were kidding, weren't you,
Mary? She's only kidding, Murray.

You-You are kidding,
aren't you, Mary? Aren't you?

She's gotta be kidding.

I know you're kidding,
Mary, aren't you?

Mary? I'm sure she's kidding.

Mary, tell me you're kidding!