Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 4, Episode 18 - The Co-Producers - full transcript
Mary is anxious for Lou to attend this week's production managers' meeting if only because her idea of a Sunday afternoon talk show is being presented, the show which she would produce if approved. Despite the meeting being canceled, an excited Mary learns that a pilot show has been green-lighted. When Mary tells Rhoda, Rhoda reminds Mary that the concept was actually her idea. A slightly apologetic Mary offers Rhoda, in return, co-producer responsibility for the show, which Rhoda accepts. The next step is to get Lou's approval, which he ultimately does give, along with some bad news: since they are under contract, the station manager wants Ted and Sue Ann to be hosts. Mary and Rhoda run into roadblocks in dealing with divas Ted and Sue Ann, who want to do things their way. Ted and Sue Ann take offense particularly to Rhoda's straightforward manner of denigrating their ideas. If the show is going to get off the ground, Mary has to use some tactics learned from Lou and Murray to try and smooth the waters with her talentless talent.
♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪
♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪
♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪
♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪
♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪
YOU'RE FINISHED SORTING THE FAN
MAIL, MARY? YEAH, JUST ABOUT, TED.
OH, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE FOR
YOU... FROM THE SALVATION ARMY.
OH, HOW MUCH YOU
ASKING THEM FOR, TED?
WELL. I SEE MURRAY'S GOT
A FLOWER JUST LIKE MARY'S.
YEAH. MY DAUGHTER GAVE IT TO ME.
[Sniffs] SAY, IT SMELLS JUST
LIKE SUMMER WHEN I WAS A KID.
IT'S PLASTIC, TED.
I KNOW. IT SMELLS JUST
LIKE MY OLD BEACH BALL.
[Sighs] DID YOU KNOW
THAT TED SUGGESTED...
THAT BECAUSE OF THE GAS
SHORTAGE THAT WE START A CARPOOL?
- WELL, THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
- WELL, WE'D NEED TWO CARS.
YOU, GORDY, LOU
AND I WOULD GO IN ONE.
TED WOULD GO IN THE OTHER.
OH, HERE'S A LETTER
FOR YOU, MURR. FOR ME?
WHY, I NEVER GET ANY MAIL. HOW
CAN IT BE FOR ME? I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, IT CAN'T BE FOR
ME. HOW CAN IT BE FOR ME?
"DEAR MURRAY SLAUGHTER."
I STILL SAY IT'S NOT FOR ME.
"I'VE NEVER WRITTEN A
LETTER LIKE THIS BEFORE."
OH, MURRAY, YOU
GOT A FAN LETTER.
IT CAN'T BE FOR ME.
"THERE'S A LOT OF US OUT HERE WHO REALIZE
THAT TED BAXTER ONLY READS THE WORDS,
BUT THAT SOMEBODY WITH A RARE
POINT OF VIEW IS ACTUALLY WRITING THEM."
[Chuckles] IT'S NOT FOR ME.
"HOWEVER, WE KNOW IT TAKES A TWISTED,
PERVERTED, PINKO RAT LIKE YOU TO WRITE IT."
IT'S FOR ME.
UH, MR. GRANT, DON'T FORGET YOU
HAVE THAT MEETING WITH MR. FINCH AT 1:00.
RIGHT. WELL, IT'S 1:00 NOW.
MARY, EVERY TIME I
HAVE TO GO UP FOR A
PRODUCTION MEETING WITH
THE PRODUCTION DIRECTOR,
I HAVE TO SIT THERE
FOR 10 MINUTES...
WHILE HE TRIES TO IMPRESS ME WITH
LONG DISTANCE PHONE CALLS TO MILWAUKEE.
YEAH, WELL, THIS IS A PRETTY
IMPORTANT MEETING THOUGH.
OH, I KNOW IT IS,
MARY... FOR YOU.
IT'S YOUR IDEA TO HAVE A SUNDAY
AFTERNOON TALK SHOW, NOT MINE.
I'M JUST GOING UP THERE TO HEAR HIM
SAY YES OR NO. WELL, IT'S A TERRIFIC IDEA.
AND IF FINCH HAS ANY TASTE
AT ALL, HE'S GOT TO LIKE IT.
FINCH, TASTE? HE'S THE GUY WHO SCHEDULED
RERUNS OF MY MOTHER THE CAR AT 7:00...
SO HE'D HAVE SOMETHING
TO WATCH WHILE HE ATE.
MR. GRANT, IT'S...
IT'S AFTER 1:00.
MARY, THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.
HE'S EITHER GOING
TO LOVE YOUR IDEA,
OR HE'S GOING TO SAY IT STINKS.
YOU SEE, MAR? THERE'S
NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.
WELL, HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, IT REALLY
DOESN'T MATTER.
IF HE LIKES THE IDEA, THEN
I'LL PRODUCE MY OWN SHOW.
IF HE DOESN'T LIKE IT, I
WON'T. DOESN'T MATTER.
I'LL JUST KEEP
DOIN' WHAT I'M DOIN'.
SITTING HERE AT MY SAME LITTLE
DESK, EARNING MY SAME LITTLE MONEY.
MURR, IT MATTERS.
[Rings] NEWSROOM.
OH, YEAH, JILL. HE'S
ON HIS WAY UP NOW.
HOW COULD HE CANCEL IT? OH.
OH? OH!
YES. WELL, UH... WELL, JUST SEND
MR. GRANT DOWN WH-WHEN HE GETS THERE.
NO, NO, NO. I'LL
TELL HIM MYSELF.
JILL, YOU ARE A
WONDERFUL SECRETARY. BYE.
- HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?
- WELL, MR. FINCH
HAD TO CANCEL THE MEETING,
BUT HE LEFT WORD TO GO AHEAD AND TRY
ONE SHOW JUST TO SEE HOW IT WORKS OUT.
MURRAY, I'M GOING TO PRODUCE
MY OWN SHOW! MARY, THAT'S GREAT!
CONGRATULATIONS. OH!
OH, MURRAY. I JUST HOPE I DO A
GOOD JOB. YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
YOU REALLY THINK SO? I KNOW SO.
[Chuckles] [Door Opens]
FINCH WASN'T THERE.
WHY YOU SMILIN' AT ME?
♪ I KNOW SOMETHING
YOU DON'T KNOW ♪♪
MARY, DON'T GET CUTE.
I HATE CUTENESS. CUTENESS IS
NOT ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS.
MR. FINCH APPROVED THE IDEA.
AT LEAST WE'RE GONNA DO A PILOT.
MR. GRANT, I'M A
PRODUCER! HEE-HEE!
OH. CONGRATULATIONS, MARY.
WELL, YOU DON'T SEEM
VERY HAPPY FOR ME.
MARY, I'VE BEEN A PRODUCER
FOR A LONG TIME, AND...
♪ I KNOW SOMETHING
YOU DON'T KNOW ♪♪
[Knocking] [Rhoda] IT'S ME.
- YEAH. COME ON IN.
- OH, BOY. NICE AND WARM IN HERE.
YOU KNOW, THEY LOWERED THE
TEMPERATURE AT THE STORE AGAIN TODAY.
IT WAS SO COLD, MAR, A GUY SPRAINED
HIS BACK TESTING A FROZEN WATER BED.
HEY, LISTEN. I GOT SOME
GREAT NEWS TODAY.
WHAT? RHODA, THE PROGRAM
DIRECTOR WANTS TO DO MY SHOW.
WHAT SHOW? REMEMBER THAT SUNDAY
AFTERNOON TALK SHOW IDEA I CAME UP WITH?
AH. UH-HUH.
- WELL, YOU DON'T SEEM
VERY EXCITED.
- I KNOW. ISN'T IT FUNNY?
I'M USUALLY SUCH AN
EMOTIONAL PERSON.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THIS? I'M
NOT EXCITED OVER THIS NEWS.
RHODA, WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING. SO, THEY'RE USING
YOUR IDEA FOR A SHOW, HUH?
HEY, COME ON. WHAT IS IT?
OKAY, MAR. YOU'VE
OBVIOUSLY FORGOTTEN...
THAT THE IDEA FOR THE SUNDAY
AFTERNOON TALK SHOW WAS MINE.
YOURS? MINE.
RHODA, I DON'T THINK SO.
MARY, I KNOW SO.
COME ON, RHODA. I REMEMBER
EXACTLY HOW IT CAME UP.
REMEMBER IT WAS THAT
SUNDAY AFTERNOON? MM-HMM.
YOU AND I WERE SITTING AROUND,
WONDERING WHAT WE WERE GONNA DO,
AND I SAID SOMETHING LIKE, UH,
"GEE, I WISH THERE WERE A WAY TO
FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS CITY."
AND I SUPPOSE YOU DON'T REMEMBER
HOW I THEN SAID SOMETHING LIKE,
"WHY DON'T YOU DO
A SHOW ABOUT IT?
"IT COULD BE AN HOUR ON SUNDAY
AFTERNOONS, FROM VARIOUS LOCATIONS.
"YOU COULD DO
CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS...
"AND FEATURES ON WHAT'S
HAPPENING AROUND THE TWIN CITIES:
ART EXHIBITS, RESTAURANT
TIPS, THAT SORT OF THING."
WELL... [Clears Throat] RHODA, I CAN'T BE
EXPECTED TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING.
I MEAN, MY MIND IS
NOT A TAPE RECORDER.
OR MAYBE IT IS, AND YOU ACCIDENTLY
ERASED THAT PART OF THE TAPE.
OH, RHODA. I FEEL JUST
AWFUL. I STOLE YOUR IDEA.
OH, COME ON. LISTEN, YOU
DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE COULD
WORK ON THE SHOW TOGETHER.
IT'S JUST ONE SHOW. YOU COULD
HELP ME NIGHTS AND ON WEEKENDS.
YOU MEAN IT? YEAH.
GEE, I DON'T KNOW. THAT
COULD BE VERY EXCITING.
IT COULD. AND-AND YOU'RE
CREATIVE. THAT'S THE MAIN THING.
OH, MARY, WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT
TELEVISION? I MEAN, I'M A WINDOW DRESSER.
OH, RHODA...
MAYBE. I DON'T KNOW.
COME ON. YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME IDEAS
ABOUT WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO SEE ON TELEVISION.
YEAH, I DO. JUST ONCE, I WOULD
LOVE TO SEE THE MAN FROM GLAD...
STUFF MRS. OLSON
INTO A GIANT BAGGIE.
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Knocking] YEAH.
MR. GRANT, COULD I TALK TO
YOU FOR JUST A MINUTE? MM-HMM.
UM, I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW HOW
TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT... [Clears Throat]
RHODA AND I WERE, UH, TALKING
ABOUT THE NEW SUNDAY TALK SHOW AND...
[Chuckling] WELL, YOU'LL
NEVER GUESS WHAT I DID.
I MEAN, WE DISCOVERED
TH-THE DARNEDEST THING.
YOU KNOW, IT'S,
UH, JUST INCREDIBLE.
IF-IF YOU HAD A MILLION YEARS,
YOU WOULD NEVER GUESS...
MARY, DON'T MAKE ME
GUESS. I DON'T WANNA GUESS.
WELL... [Clears Throat]
IT SEEMS THAT THE, UH...
THE IDEA FOR THE SHOW, UM...
THAT I, UM, APPROPRIATED IT
FROM RHODA. APPROPRIATED?
UH, YES. IT'S A WORD.
YEAH, I KNOW IT'S A WORD.
YEAH, "APPROPRIATE."
IT MEANS "TO STEAL."
YES. AND I... I CANNOT
PRODUCE A SHOW THAT I...
MARY. APPROPRIATED, STOLE...
I'VE USED OTHER PEOPLE'S
IDEAS ALL THE TIME.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TAKEN CREDIT
FOR TERRIFIC IDEAS YOU'VE COME UP WITH?
- WELL, UH...
- OKAY, BAD EXAMPLE.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T COME
UP WITH THAT MANY TERRIFIC IDEAS.
THE POINT IS,
THAT'S THE BUSINESS.
BUT THE POINT IS THAT
RHODA IS MY FRIEND,
AND I CAN'T TAKE ALL
THE CREDIT FOR THE SHOW.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY, LOOK.
IF IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, WE'LL
THROW HER NAME UP ON THE SCREEN EVERY WEEK.
"CREATED BY RHODA,
THE WINDOW DRESSER."
MR. GRANT, I WOULD REALLY LIKE
RHODA TO WORK ON THE SHOW WITH ME.
WHAT DOES SHE KNOW
ABOUT TELEVISION?
WELL, NOT HAVING BEEN IN
TELEVISION COULD BE A PLUS.
SHE STILL HAS HER IDEALS.
MARY, PEOPLE WHO STILL HAVE THEIR
IDEALS DON'T STAND A CHANCE IN TELEVISION.
MR. GRANT, I... WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT AM I ARGUING WITH YOU FOR?
YOU'RE THE PRODUCER. YOU
WANT RHODA, YOU GOT HER.
HEY, TERRIFIC.
MR. GRANT, THANK YOU.
YEAH. LISTEN, MARY,
ABOUT THIS SHOW.
THERE'S ONE THING I'D LIKE YOU TO
PROMISE YOU'LL DO FOR ME. YEAH, SURE. WHAT?
DON'T MENTION IT TO ME AGAIN.
[Mouths Words]
- DID YOU ASK HIM?
- YES.
AND? HE SAID OKAY.
FANTASTIC. ISN'T THAT GREAT?
RHODA, DON'T... THANK
YOU. OH, THANK YOU.
MARY.
THANK YOU. JUST THANK YOU, LOU
GRANT, FOR BEING REALLY TERRIFIC.
- YEAH.
- AND WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
THE IDEAS I HAVE FOR THIS SHOW.
TELL HER. FIRST
OF ALL, THE HOSTS...
RHODA.
THEY GOTTA HAVE A
STRONG... TELL HER!
RHODA. RHODA. I...
TELL HER. LOOK, MR. GRANT DOESN'T
WANNA HEAR ABOUT THE SHOW.
HE DOESN'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
IT. HE DOESN'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
REALLY? REALLY. SO LET'S YOU
AND I GO TALK ABOUT THE HOSTS.
OH, HOLD IT. HOLD
IT. COME BACK HERE.
UH, BEFORE I NEVER
WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT AGAIN,
THERE'S ONE THING I
FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
FINCH WANTS TED AND SUE
ANN NIVENS AS THE HOSTS.
WHAT?
YOU MEAN TED AND
THE HAPPY HOMEMAKER?
OH, NO, MR. GRANT. WHY? OH, NO.
WELL, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT
THEM. THEY'RE UNDER CONTRACT.
OH, WE GOTTA HAVE OTHER
PEOPLE UNDER CONTRACT TOO.
OH, SURE. YOU WANNA USE CHUCKLES THE
CLOWN AND UNCLE OOMPAH THE POLKA PRINCE?
WELCOME TO TELEVISION, RHODA.
MARY. HELLO, SUE ANN.
- RHODA.
- OH, HI THERE, SUE ANN.
WHAT AN INTERESTING OUTFIT.
I WISH I COULD WEAR OLD
CLOTHES AS WELL AS YOU DO.
SUE ANN, IT'S GONNA BE JUST
WONDERFUL WORKING WITH YOU.
MARY, THERE'S SOMETHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT YOUR APARTMENT.
NO. I THINK IT'S THE SAME AS IT
WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW IT.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOW,
DON'T YOU TRY TO FOOL ME.
THERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT
ABOUT THIS ROOM. NO, NOT AT ALL.
AH, THERE IT IS. YOU HAVE
A HOLE IN YOUR COUCH.
WHERE? RIGHT HERE.
[Doorbell Buzzes] OH.
I TOLD YOU THERE WAS SOMETHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS ROOM. YEAH.
SURPRISE. SURPRISE.
[Mary] GEORGETTE.
HI, MARY. HI. HI, TED.
I BROUGHT GEORGETTE ALONG
TO TAKE NOTES OF THE MEETING.
- OH, YOU TAKE SHORTHAND, HUH?
- I CAN DO 115 WORDS A MINUTE.
RIGHT. SO IF WE DON'T TALK FAST
ENOUGH FOR YOU, YOU JUST LET US KNOW.
COME ON IN. OH, MY COSTAR.
HOW ARE YOU, SUE ANN?
[Chuckles] IT'S GONNA BE SO
WONDERFUL WORKING WITH YOU.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
UH, WELL, SHALL WE
ALL, UH, GET STARTED?
OH. OH.
TED, SUE ANN, WHY
DON'T YOU SIT THERE.
LISTEN, EVERYBODY. BEFORE WE
START, I JUST WANT TO SAY ONE THING.
I AM BRAND-NEW TO THIS BUSINESS,
AND I KNOW I GOT A LOT TO LEARN,
SO FOR THIS MEETING, I'M JUST GONNA SIT
BACK, SHUT UP AND WATCH THE PROS IN ACTION.
THAT'S VERY WISE OF YOU.
DID YOU GET THAT,
GEORGETTE? VERY...
I GOT IT, TED. OKAY.
NOW, RHODA AND I HAVE, UH,
DRAWN UP SOME TENTATIVE FORMATS...
DEALING WITH THE VARIOUS
DEPARTMENTS ON THE SHOW. [Clears Throat]
- OH. [Chuckles] BAD START, MARY.
- WHY?
WELL, ON THE COVER, IT SAYS TALK OF THE
TOWN WITH SUE ANN NIVENS AND TED BAXTER.
- SO?
- [Chuckles]
I'M BIGGER THAN
SHE IS. I GO FIRST.
TED, IT SEEMS A
SILLY WASTE OF TIME...
TO WORRY ABOUT
WHOSE NAME GOES FIRST.
OH. WELL, THEN AS LONG AS SUE ANN
DOESN'T MIND, WE'LL JUST CHANGE THE NAMES.
OVER MY DEAD BODY, COOKIE.
SUE ANN, YOU DON'T MEAN TO
SAY YOUR NAME GOES BEFORE MINE?
SUE ANN, IT IS TO
LAUGH. [Chuckles]
- DID YOU GET THAT, GEORGETTE?
- "HA, HA, HA."
SUE ANN, IF YOU THINK I'M
GONNA TAKE SECOND BILLING...
OKAY, OKAY. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
HERE'S WHAT WE DO. TED, AT THE BEGINNING
OF THE SHOW YOUR NAME WILL GO FIRST,
AND SUE ANN, YOUR NAME CAN
GO FIRST AT THE END OF THE SHOW.
NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT GOES IN BETWEEN
THE BEGINNING AND THE END, SHALL WE?
THAT'S GREAT, THE
WAY YOU HANDLED THAT.
OKAY. NOW, RHODA AND I THOUGHT
THAT SINCE SUE ANN IS A GOURMET COOK,
WE OUGHT TO DEVOTE ONE
SEGMENT TO RESTAURANT REVIEWS.
OH, THAT'S A MARVELOUS IDEA.
WELL I COULD DO THAT TOO, YOU
KNOW. BE GOOD FOR MY IMAGE.
I MEAN, LET THE PUBLIC
KNOW THAT I'M A REAL PERSON,
SOMEONE WHO EATS
FOOD JUST LIKE THEM.
WELL, TED, SUE ANN
IS A... EXPERT COOK.
BUT I KNOW RESTAURANTS,
MARY. DON'T I, GEORGETTE?
OH, YES. JUST THE OTHER
NIGHT, HE WARNED ME
NOT TO ORDER THE
HALIBUT AT THE BUS STATION.
OH. OKAY, UM, TED, THEN YOU
BOTH DO THE RESTAURANT REVIEWS.
NOW, ABOUT THE
OPENING OF THE SHOW...
OH, HOLD IT, UH, MARY. I HAD SOME
THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT MYSELF.
I THOUGHT, UH, WE
COULD OPEN THE SHOW...
BY DOING SOME BIOGRAPHICAL
SKETCHES ON ME AND SUE ANN.
- BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCHES?
- WELL, YEAH. YOU KNOW,
TELL THE TED BAXTER STORY.
STORY OF A LITTLE BOY
HUDDLED UP TO AN OLD RADIO,
LISTENING ENRAPTURED
TO LOWELL THOMAS AND...
AND THINKING SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY...
SOMEDAY THAT'LL BE
TED BAXTER SAYING,
"THIS IS LOWELL THOMAS SAYING,
'SO LONG UNTIL TOMORROW.'"
OF COURSE, INSTEAD OF
LOWELL THOMAS, I'D SAY,
"THIS IS TED BAXTER SAYING,
'SO LONG UNTIL TOMORROW.'"
DID YOU GET ALL THAT,
GEORGETTE? I GOT IT, TED.
YOU DID? REALLY? ALL OF IT? YES.
"THIS IS LOWELL THOMAS SAYING,
'SO LONG UNTIL TOMORROW.'
OF COURSE, INSTEAD
OF LOWELL THOMAS, I'D..."
YES, WELL. AND THEN AS SOON AS
TED FINISHED WITH HIS BIOGRAPHY,
I COULD DO MINE.
HOW AT ONLY SIX YEARS OLD,
A FRIGHTENED BUT
DARLING CHILD...
NAMED SUE ANN NIVENS
WON A BABY TALENT CONTEST...
IMPERSONATING SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
♪ ON THE GOOD SHIP LOLLIPOP ♪
♪ IT'S A NICE TRIP
TO A CANDY SHOP ♪
♪ WHERE THE BONBONS PLAY ♪♪
AH, THAT'S TERRIFIC,
SUE ANN. SIT DOWN.
[Chuckles]
♪ ON THE SUNNY SHORES
OF PEPPERMINT BAY ♪♪
NOW, LISTEN, EVERYBODY.
I KNOW I PROMISED BEFORE THAT
I WASN'T GONNA SAY ANYTHING,
BUT I THINK THAT AT
THIS POINT RIGHT HERE...
I HAVE SOMETHING
TERRIFIC TO CONTRIBUTE.
AND THAT IS... I HOPE
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND...
THAT IDEA ABOUT THE, UH,
BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCHES? REALLY DUMB.
WHAT... WHAT DID YOU SAY?
"THAT IDEA ABOUT THE BIOGRAPHICAL
SKETCHES? REALLY DUMB."
I KNOW WHAT SHE SAID, GEORGETTE.
RATHER A STRONG WORD, ISN'T IT?
WELL, I THINK WHAT RHODA MEANS... I
DON'T CARE WHAT RHODA MEANS, MARY.
COME ON, GEORGETTE.
WE'RE WALKING.
JUST A SECOND, TED.
"COME ON, GEORGETTE.
WE'RE WALKING." GEORGETTE.
THANK YOU FOR A
LOVELY TIME, MARY.
TED, YOU CAN'T JUST WALK
OUT. TED, I'M GOING WITH YOU.
YOU KNOW, FIRST MEETINGS LIKE
THIS OFTEN GET OFF TO A ROCKY START.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I THINK BY MONDAY,
WHEN WE HAVE OUR PRODUCTION MEETING,
THAT WE'LL HAVE A
BETTER IDEA OF THE, UH,
DIRECTION THAT OUR-OUR
SHOW, UH, WILL BE TAKING.
DON'T YOU?
[Knocking] COME IN.
MR. GRANT, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT A PROBLEM WITH THE SUNDAY SHOW.
MARY, I TOLD YOU. I DON'T WANNA
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT SHOW.
MR. GRANT, WILL YOU
PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO ME?
I MEAN, IT ISN'T EVERY DAY THAT I WALK
IN HERE AND GIVE YOU AN ULTIMATUM.
- YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME
AN ULTIMATUM?
- YES, AN ULTIMATUM.
KIND OF.
MR. GRANT, EITHER SUE ANN
AND TED GO OR RHODA AND I GO.
WELL, I GUESS IF IT COMES
DOWN TO A CHOICE BETWEEN...
TWO BRIGHT AND ENERGETIC
PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND RHODA...
OR A COUPLE OF MEATBALLS
LIKE TED AND... SUE ANN,
I HAVE TO GO WITH THEM.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE FINCH WANTS THEM,
AND THAT'S IT.
SO, YOU GONNA QUIT?
NO.
UH, GOOD. MARY, LET ME
GIVE YOU A PIECE OF ADVICE.
THE ONE THING YOU AS A
PRODUCER CANNOT DO...
IS TO LET TED AND SUE ANN
THINK YOU'RE AFRAID OF THEM.
IF THEY SMELL FEAR,
YOU'RE A GONER.
THEY'LL GO RIGHT FOR YOUR EYES.
LOOK, HAVE YOU... HAVE
YOU TRIED BEING BRUTAL?
OH, MR. GRANT. I'M
NOT THE BRUTAL TYPE.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES WHEN I
WANNA FRIGHTEN TED, I GIVE HIM A LOOK.
LIKE THIS.
SEE? REALLY SCARES HIM.
MAYBE YOU COULD TRY THAT.
NO, MR. GRANT. IT
WON'T WORK FOR ME.
IT WORKS FOR YOU 'CAUSE... THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT SCARES PEOPLE.
[Sighs] THANK YOU.
LOOK, IT'S MY PROBLEM.
IT'S NOT YOURS.
BUT, BOY, I'M JUST SORRY I EVER
THOUGHT UP THE IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE.
YOU MEAN APPROPRIATED.
FROM THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE, I'D
SAY THAT TED AND SUE ANN ARE STILL IN.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH. AND YOU AND RHODA ARE OUT?
NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO. WE'RE STILL IN.
MARY, CAN I GIVE
YOU A LITTLE ADVICE...
ON HOW TO HANDLE
TED AND SUE ANN?
YES. PLEASE, ANYTHING.
FLATTER THEM. BUTTER THEM UP.
WITH PEOPLE LIKE THAT, YOU'VE GOTTA DO
THAT SOMETIMES TO GET WHAT YOU WANT.
NO, MURRAY. THAT'S
NOT ME. I'D... I'D RATHER
LOSE THE SHOW THAN...
BUTTER THOSE TWO UP.
MARY. MARY. [Clears Throat]
OH, YES. LET'S NOT BEAT AROUND THE
BUSH. LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE POINT.
TELL HER, SUE ANN.
- MARY, WE WANT RHODA
OFF THE SHOW.
- OFF THE SHOW?
I'VE BEEN READING SOME OF THE NOTES
GEORGETTE TOOK AT THE MEETING, MAR.
YOU KNOW THE WORD
"DUMB" WAS USED FIVE TIMES?
NOW, I DON'T LIKE
THAT WORD, MAR.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THE COLOR
GREEN. I DON'T LIKE THE WORD "DUMB."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT RUBS
ME THE WRONG WAY. I JUST DON'T LIKE IT.
IT MUST BE THE SAME REASON
I DON'T LIKE THE WORD "BALD."
WE'RE SIMPLY GOING
TO HAVE TO TELL LOU...
THAT EITHER RHODA LEAVES
THE SHOW OR WE GO. THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, OKAY. WAIT. LOOK, UM...
I GOTTA BE HONEST HERE.
UH, I MEAN, I'M NOT THE KIND OF PERSON
WHO WILL BUTTER PEOPLE UP, YOU KNOW.
IT-IT'S... IT'S JUST NOT ME.
BUT I KNOW WHAT...
OPEN-MINDED AND...
FAIR PEOPLE YOU BOTH ARE.
MARY, I'M TOUGH. OH, RIGHT.
TOUGH, YES, BUT... GOOD TOUGH.
THE BEST KIND OF TOUGH THERE
IS, 'CAUSE YOU'RE FAIR TOUGH.
I MEAN, SUE ANN, YOU JUST ASK
ANYONE HERE AT THE STATION,
AND THEY WILL ALL SAY THAT THE...
THE BEAUTIFUL THING ABOUT YOU...
IS THE WAY YOU HAVE
OF WORKING WITH PEOPLE.
DO THEY? OH, THEY DON'T.
THEY DO. THEY DO, SUE ANN.
[Clears Throat] I'M KIND OF TOUGH
TOO, YOU KNOW. YOU BET YOU ARE.
EVERY TIME I MENTION YOUR NAME,
THE ONE THING THAT RHODA
ALWAYS SAYS ABOUT YOU IS...
BESIDES OF COURSE HOW
REALLY TALENTED YOU ARE...
IS HOW PATIENT AND TOLERANT YOU
ARE OF THE PEOPLE WHO WORK UNDER YOU.
WELL, I LOOK AT IT THIS WAY:
YOU'VE GOTTA BE NICE TO THE PEOPLE YOU MEET
ON THE WAY UP BEFORE THEY DO IT TO YOU.
RIGHT.
SO SURELY YOU TWO... WARM
PEOPLE CAN FIND IT IN YOUR HEARTS...
TO FORGIVE AND UNDERSTAND
THE INEXPERIENCE OF A NEWCOMER,
WHO WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE
BEST DARN JOB SHE COULD FOR YOU GUYS.
WELL, ALL RIGHT. I GUESS SO.
WE'LL GIVE RHODA
ANOTHER CHANCE. I KNEW IT.
I JUST...
DON'T SAY IT.
[Door Opens] [Lou] MARY...
YOU KNOW, I HEARD THAT WHOLE
THING WITH TED AND SUE ANN.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I'VE BEEN A PRODUCER FOR
MANY YEARS, AND BELIEVE ME,
I'VE HAD TO DO A LOT OF THINGS
THAT I NEVER WANTED TO DO EITHER.
[Sighs] BUT, MARY,
I'VE NEVER SUNK AS LOW AS THAT.
MARY, DON'T WORRY. I LEARNED MY
LESSON. I'M GONNA BE THE SOUL OF TACT.
OKAY. YOU DON'T HAVE
TO OVERDO IT OR ANYTHING.
BUT A LITTLE DIPLOMACY
WOULDN'T HURT.
GOT YOU. [Doorbell Buzzes]
MARY, I'M GONNA BE SO
GOOD YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT.
HI. HI.
HERE WE ARE AGAIN.
SUE ANN, TED, HELLO.
I AM SO GLAD WE WORKED EVERYTHING
OUT. AND AREN'T YOU LOOKING LOVELY?
THANK YOU.
SAY, MARY, SUE ANN AND I CAME UP
WITH A TERRIFIC FINISH FOR THE SHOW.
AND RHODA, WE
BOTH LOVE THE IDEA.
LOOK, WHY DON'T WE
TALK ABOUT THE END OF
THE SHOW WHEN WE GET
TO THE END OF THE SHOW?
RIGHT NOW I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT
THE BEGINNING. NOW, RHODA AND I...
THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY, DEAR. WE'VE
ALREADY WRITTEN AN OPENING MONOLOGUE.
A MONOLOGUE? [Ted] YEAH.
TELL SOME JOKES, GET
SOME HUMOR INTO THIS THING.
JOKES? [Ted] READ
THE INTRODUCTION.
"AND NOW THE STARS OF OUR SHOW,
THE ONE AND ONLY TED
BAXTER AND SUE ANN NIVENS."
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR
THAT WONDERFUL RECEPTION.
YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T HEARD SO MUCH APPLAUSE
SINCE I WAS HELD UP AND SPANKED AS A BABY.
HA, HA, HA, HA! HA, HA.
[Sue Ann] TED, DO YOU BELIEVE
THE PRICES OF FOOD THESE DAYS?
MEAT IS GETTING SO HIGH,
IT'S CHEAPER TO EAT MONEY.
[Chuckling] OH, HO, HO, HO.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL
SPRING DAY IT IS TODAY.
IN FACT, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL TODAY, I HEARD
THAT IRONSIDES DECIDED TO WALK TO WORK.
[Laughing] OKAY, UH, LOOK.
SUE ANN, TED... UH,
WANNA SIT DOWN?
WELL... YOU CAN'T
OPEN A SHOW LIKE THAT.
WHY? RHODA LOVES
IT. DON'T YOU, RHODA?
AH... NO.
- WHAT?
- TED, IT'S AWFUL. IT'S THE
DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD.
THERE'S THAT WORD AGAIN.
AND THAT SETTLES
IT. I WANT HER FIRED.
AND THAT GOES FOR ME TOO.
OKAY. NOW, LISTEN, YOU TWO.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
SOMETHING. IF RHODA GOES, I GO.
YOU KNOW SOMEBODY WE CAN GET?
OF COURSE. HOW HARD CAN IT
BE TO FIND A PRODUCER? RIGHT.
[Sue Ann] UH, YOU KNOW, YOU AND I
COULD DO THIS THING OURSELVES.
[Ted] HEY, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
WHO NEEDS PRODUCERS ANYWAY?
[Sue Ann] THAT'S NOT
THAT MUCH OF A JOB.
BOY, ARE THEY GONNA BOMB.
[Mews]
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪
♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪
♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪
♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪
♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪
YOU'RE FINISHED SORTING THE FAN
MAIL, MARY? YEAH, JUST ABOUT, TED.
OH, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE FOR
YOU... FROM THE SALVATION ARMY.
OH, HOW MUCH YOU
ASKING THEM FOR, TED?
WELL. I SEE MURRAY'S GOT
A FLOWER JUST LIKE MARY'S.
YEAH. MY DAUGHTER GAVE IT TO ME.
[Sniffs] SAY, IT SMELLS JUST
LIKE SUMMER WHEN I WAS A KID.
IT'S PLASTIC, TED.
I KNOW. IT SMELLS JUST
LIKE MY OLD BEACH BALL.
[Sighs] DID YOU KNOW
THAT TED SUGGESTED...
THAT BECAUSE OF THE GAS
SHORTAGE THAT WE START A CARPOOL?
- WELL, THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
- WELL, WE'D NEED TWO CARS.
YOU, GORDY, LOU
AND I WOULD GO IN ONE.
TED WOULD GO IN THE OTHER.
OH, HERE'S A LETTER
FOR YOU, MURR. FOR ME?
WHY, I NEVER GET ANY MAIL. HOW
CAN IT BE FOR ME? I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, IT CAN'T BE FOR
ME. HOW CAN IT BE FOR ME?
"DEAR MURRAY SLAUGHTER."
I STILL SAY IT'S NOT FOR ME.
"I'VE NEVER WRITTEN A
LETTER LIKE THIS BEFORE."
OH, MURRAY, YOU
GOT A FAN LETTER.
IT CAN'T BE FOR ME.
"THERE'S A LOT OF US OUT HERE WHO REALIZE
THAT TED BAXTER ONLY READS THE WORDS,
BUT THAT SOMEBODY WITH A RARE
POINT OF VIEW IS ACTUALLY WRITING THEM."
[Chuckles] IT'S NOT FOR ME.
"HOWEVER, WE KNOW IT TAKES A TWISTED,
PERVERTED, PINKO RAT LIKE YOU TO WRITE IT."
IT'S FOR ME.
UH, MR. GRANT, DON'T FORGET YOU
HAVE THAT MEETING WITH MR. FINCH AT 1:00.
RIGHT. WELL, IT'S 1:00 NOW.
MARY, EVERY TIME I
HAVE TO GO UP FOR A
PRODUCTION MEETING WITH
THE PRODUCTION DIRECTOR,
I HAVE TO SIT THERE
FOR 10 MINUTES...
WHILE HE TRIES TO IMPRESS ME WITH
LONG DISTANCE PHONE CALLS TO MILWAUKEE.
YEAH, WELL, THIS IS A PRETTY
IMPORTANT MEETING THOUGH.
OH, I KNOW IT IS,
MARY... FOR YOU.
IT'S YOUR IDEA TO HAVE A SUNDAY
AFTERNOON TALK SHOW, NOT MINE.
I'M JUST GOING UP THERE TO HEAR HIM
SAY YES OR NO. WELL, IT'S A TERRIFIC IDEA.
AND IF FINCH HAS ANY TASTE
AT ALL, HE'S GOT TO LIKE IT.
FINCH, TASTE? HE'S THE GUY WHO SCHEDULED
RERUNS OF MY MOTHER THE CAR AT 7:00...
SO HE'D HAVE SOMETHING
TO WATCH WHILE HE ATE.
MR. GRANT, IT'S...
IT'S AFTER 1:00.
MARY, THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.
HE'S EITHER GOING
TO LOVE YOUR IDEA,
OR HE'S GOING TO SAY IT STINKS.
YOU SEE, MAR? THERE'S
NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.
WELL, HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, IT REALLY
DOESN'T MATTER.
IF HE LIKES THE IDEA, THEN
I'LL PRODUCE MY OWN SHOW.
IF HE DOESN'T LIKE IT, I
WON'T. DOESN'T MATTER.
I'LL JUST KEEP
DOIN' WHAT I'M DOIN'.
SITTING HERE AT MY SAME LITTLE
DESK, EARNING MY SAME LITTLE MONEY.
MURR, IT MATTERS.
[Rings] NEWSROOM.
OH, YEAH, JILL. HE'S
ON HIS WAY UP NOW.
HOW COULD HE CANCEL IT? OH.
OH? OH!
YES. WELL, UH... WELL, JUST SEND
MR. GRANT DOWN WH-WHEN HE GETS THERE.
NO, NO, NO. I'LL
TELL HIM MYSELF.
JILL, YOU ARE A
WONDERFUL SECRETARY. BYE.
- HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?
- WELL, MR. FINCH
HAD TO CANCEL THE MEETING,
BUT HE LEFT WORD TO GO AHEAD AND TRY
ONE SHOW JUST TO SEE HOW IT WORKS OUT.
MURRAY, I'M GOING TO PRODUCE
MY OWN SHOW! MARY, THAT'S GREAT!
CONGRATULATIONS. OH!
OH, MURRAY. I JUST HOPE I DO A
GOOD JOB. YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
YOU REALLY THINK SO? I KNOW SO.
[Chuckles] [Door Opens]
FINCH WASN'T THERE.
WHY YOU SMILIN' AT ME?
♪ I KNOW SOMETHING
YOU DON'T KNOW ♪♪
MARY, DON'T GET CUTE.
I HATE CUTENESS. CUTENESS IS
NOT ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS.
MR. FINCH APPROVED THE IDEA.
AT LEAST WE'RE GONNA DO A PILOT.
MR. GRANT, I'M A
PRODUCER! HEE-HEE!
OH. CONGRATULATIONS, MARY.
WELL, YOU DON'T SEEM
VERY HAPPY FOR ME.
MARY, I'VE BEEN A PRODUCER
FOR A LONG TIME, AND...
♪ I KNOW SOMETHING
YOU DON'T KNOW ♪♪
[Knocking] [Rhoda] IT'S ME.
- YEAH. COME ON IN.
- OH, BOY. NICE AND WARM IN HERE.
YOU KNOW, THEY LOWERED THE
TEMPERATURE AT THE STORE AGAIN TODAY.
IT WAS SO COLD, MAR, A GUY SPRAINED
HIS BACK TESTING A FROZEN WATER BED.
HEY, LISTEN. I GOT SOME
GREAT NEWS TODAY.
WHAT? RHODA, THE PROGRAM
DIRECTOR WANTS TO DO MY SHOW.
WHAT SHOW? REMEMBER THAT SUNDAY
AFTERNOON TALK SHOW IDEA I CAME UP WITH?
AH. UH-HUH.
- WELL, YOU DON'T SEEM
VERY EXCITED.
- I KNOW. ISN'T IT FUNNY?
I'M USUALLY SUCH AN
EMOTIONAL PERSON.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THIS? I'M
NOT EXCITED OVER THIS NEWS.
RHODA, WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING. SO, THEY'RE USING
YOUR IDEA FOR A SHOW, HUH?
HEY, COME ON. WHAT IS IT?
OKAY, MAR. YOU'VE
OBVIOUSLY FORGOTTEN...
THAT THE IDEA FOR THE SUNDAY
AFTERNOON TALK SHOW WAS MINE.
YOURS? MINE.
RHODA, I DON'T THINK SO.
MARY, I KNOW SO.
COME ON, RHODA. I REMEMBER
EXACTLY HOW IT CAME UP.
REMEMBER IT WAS THAT
SUNDAY AFTERNOON? MM-HMM.
YOU AND I WERE SITTING AROUND,
WONDERING WHAT WE WERE GONNA DO,
AND I SAID SOMETHING LIKE, UH,
"GEE, I WISH THERE WERE A WAY TO
FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS CITY."
AND I SUPPOSE YOU DON'T REMEMBER
HOW I THEN SAID SOMETHING LIKE,
"WHY DON'T YOU DO
A SHOW ABOUT IT?
"IT COULD BE AN HOUR ON SUNDAY
AFTERNOONS, FROM VARIOUS LOCATIONS.
"YOU COULD DO
CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS...
"AND FEATURES ON WHAT'S
HAPPENING AROUND THE TWIN CITIES:
ART EXHIBITS, RESTAURANT
TIPS, THAT SORT OF THING."
WELL... [Clears Throat] RHODA, I CAN'T BE
EXPECTED TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING.
I MEAN, MY MIND IS
NOT A TAPE RECORDER.
OR MAYBE IT IS, AND YOU ACCIDENTLY
ERASED THAT PART OF THE TAPE.
OH, RHODA. I FEEL JUST
AWFUL. I STOLE YOUR IDEA.
OH, COME ON. LISTEN, YOU
DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE COULD
WORK ON THE SHOW TOGETHER.
IT'S JUST ONE SHOW. YOU COULD
HELP ME NIGHTS AND ON WEEKENDS.
YOU MEAN IT? YEAH.
GEE, I DON'T KNOW. THAT
COULD BE VERY EXCITING.
IT COULD. AND-AND YOU'RE
CREATIVE. THAT'S THE MAIN THING.
OH, MARY, WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT
TELEVISION? I MEAN, I'M A WINDOW DRESSER.
OH, RHODA...
MAYBE. I DON'T KNOW.
COME ON. YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME IDEAS
ABOUT WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO SEE ON TELEVISION.
YEAH, I DO. JUST ONCE, I WOULD
LOVE TO SEE THE MAN FROM GLAD...
STUFF MRS. OLSON
INTO A GIANT BAGGIE.
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Knocking] YEAH.
MR. GRANT, COULD I TALK TO
YOU FOR JUST A MINUTE? MM-HMM.
UM, I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW HOW
TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT... [Clears Throat]
RHODA AND I WERE, UH, TALKING
ABOUT THE NEW SUNDAY TALK SHOW AND...
[Chuckling] WELL, YOU'LL
NEVER GUESS WHAT I DID.
I MEAN, WE DISCOVERED
TH-THE DARNEDEST THING.
YOU KNOW, IT'S,
UH, JUST INCREDIBLE.
IF-IF YOU HAD A MILLION YEARS,
YOU WOULD NEVER GUESS...
MARY, DON'T MAKE ME
GUESS. I DON'T WANNA GUESS.
WELL... [Clears Throat]
IT SEEMS THAT THE, UH...
THE IDEA FOR THE SHOW, UM...
THAT I, UM, APPROPRIATED IT
FROM RHODA. APPROPRIATED?
UH, YES. IT'S A WORD.
YEAH, I KNOW IT'S A WORD.
YEAH, "APPROPRIATE."
IT MEANS "TO STEAL."
YES. AND I... I CANNOT
PRODUCE A SHOW THAT I...
MARY. APPROPRIATED, STOLE...
I'VE USED OTHER PEOPLE'S
IDEAS ALL THE TIME.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TAKEN CREDIT
FOR TERRIFIC IDEAS YOU'VE COME UP WITH?
- WELL, UH...
- OKAY, BAD EXAMPLE.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T COME
UP WITH THAT MANY TERRIFIC IDEAS.
THE POINT IS,
THAT'S THE BUSINESS.
BUT THE POINT IS THAT
RHODA IS MY FRIEND,
AND I CAN'T TAKE ALL
THE CREDIT FOR THE SHOW.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY, LOOK.
IF IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, WE'LL
THROW HER NAME UP ON THE SCREEN EVERY WEEK.
"CREATED BY RHODA,
THE WINDOW DRESSER."
MR. GRANT, I WOULD REALLY LIKE
RHODA TO WORK ON THE SHOW WITH ME.
WHAT DOES SHE KNOW
ABOUT TELEVISION?
WELL, NOT HAVING BEEN IN
TELEVISION COULD BE A PLUS.
SHE STILL HAS HER IDEALS.
MARY, PEOPLE WHO STILL HAVE THEIR
IDEALS DON'T STAND A CHANCE IN TELEVISION.
MR. GRANT, I... WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT AM I ARGUING WITH YOU FOR?
YOU'RE THE PRODUCER. YOU
WANT RHODA, YOU GOT HER.
HEY, TERRIFIC.
MR. GRANT, THANK YOU.
YEAH. LISTEN, MARY,
ABOUT THIS SHOW.
THERE'S ONE THING I'D LIKE YOU TO
PROMISE YOU'LL DO FOR ME. YEAH, SURE. WHAT?
DON'T MENTION IT TO ME AGAIN.
[Mouths Words]
- DID YOU ASK HIM?
- YES.
AND? HE SAID OKAY.
FANTASTIC. ISN'T THAT GREAT?
RHODA, DON'T... THANK
YOU. OH, THANK YOU.
MARY.
THANK YOU. JUST THANK YOU, LOU
GRANT, FOR BEING REALLY TERRIFIC.
- YEAH.
- AND WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
THE IDEAS I HAVE FOR THIS SHOW.
TELL HER. FIRST
OF ALL, THE HOSTS...
RHODA.
THEY GOTTA HAVE A
STRONG... TELL HER!
RHODA. RHODA. I...
TELL HER. LOOK, MR. GRANT DOESN'T
WANNA HEAR ABOUT THE SHOW.
HE DOESN'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
IT. HE DOESN'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
REALLY? REALLY. SO LET'S YOU
AND I GO TALK ABOUT THE HOSTS.
OH, HOLD IT. HOLD
IT. COME BACK HERE.
UH, BEFORE I NEVER
WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT AGAIN,
THERE'S ONE THING I
FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
FINCH WANTS TED AND SUE
ANN NIVENS AS THE HOSTS.
WHAT?
YOU MEAN TED AND
THE HAPPY HOMEMAKER?
OH, NO, MR. GRANT. WHY? OH, NO.
WELL, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT
THEM. THEY'RE UNDER CONTRACT.
OH, WE GOTTA HAVE OTHER
PEOPLE UNDER CONTRACT TOO.
OH, SURE. YOU WANNA USE CHUCKLES THE
CLOWN AND UNCLE OOMPAH THE POLKA PRINCE?
WELCOME TO TELEVISION, RHODA.
MARY. HELLO, SUE ANN.
- RHODA.
- OH, HI THERE, SUE ANN.
WHAT AN INTERESTING OUTFIT.
I WISH I COULD WEAR OLD
CLOTHES AS WELL AS YOU DO.
SUE ANN, IT'S GONNA BE JUST
WONDERFUL WORKING WITH YOU.
MARY, THERE'S SOMETHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT YOUR APARTMENT.
NO. I THINK IT'S THE SAME AS IT
WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW IT.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOW,
DON'T YOU TRY TO FOOL ME.
THERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT
ABOUT THIS ROOM. NO, NOT AT ALL.
AH, THERE IT IS. YOU HAVE
A HOLE IN YOUR COUCH.
WHERE? RIGHT HERE.
[Doorbell Buzzes] OH.
I TOLD YOU THERE WAS SOMETHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS ROOM. YEAH.
SURPRISE. SURPRISE.
[Mary] GEORGETTE.
HI, MARY. HI. HI, TED.
I BROUGHT GEORGETTE ALONG
TO TAKE NOTES OF THE MEETING.
- OH, YOU TAKE SHORTHAND, HUH?
- I CAN DO 115 WORDS A MINUTE.
RIGHT. SO IF WE DON'T TALK FAST
ENOUGH FOR YOU, YOU JUST LET US KNOW.
COME ON IN. OH, MY COSTAR.
HOW ARE YOU, SUE ANN?
[Chuckles] IT'S GONNA BE SO
WONDERFUL WORKING WITH YOU.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
UH, WELL, SHALL WE
ALL, UH, GET STARTED?
OH. OH.
TED, SUE ANN, WHY
DON'T YOU SIT THERE.
LISTEN, EVERYBODY. BEFORE WE
START, I JUST WANT TO SAY ONE THING.
I AM BRAND-NEW TO THIS BUSINESS,
AND I KNOW I GOT A LOT TO LEARN,
SO FOR THIS MEETING, I'M JUST GONNA SIT
BACK, SHUT UP AND WATCH THE PROS IN ACTION.
THAT'S VERY WISE OF YOU.
DID YOU GET THAT,
GEORGETTE? VERY...
I GOT IT, TED. OKAY.
NOW, RHODA AND I HAVE, UH,
DRAWN UP SOME TENTATIVE FORMATS...
DEALING WITH THE VARIOUS
DEPARTMENTS ON THE SHOW. [Clears Throat]
- OH. [Chuckles] BAD START, MARY.
- WHY?
WELL, ON THE COVER, IT SAYS TALK OF THE
TOWN WITH SUE ANN NIVENS AND TED BAXTER.
- SO?
- [Chuckles]
I'M BIGGER THAN
SHE IS. I GO FIRST.
TED, IT SEEMS A
SILLY WASTE OF TIME...
TO WORRY ABOUT
WHOSE NAME GOES FIRST.
OH. WELL, THEN AS LONG AS SUE ANN
DOESN'T MIND, WE'LL JUST CHANGE THE NAMES.
OVER MY DEAD BODY, COOKIE.
SUE ANN, YOU DON'T MEAN TO
SAY YOUR NAME GOES BEFORE MINE?
SUE ANN, IT IS TO
LAUGH. [Chuckles]
- DID YOU GET THAT, GEORGETTE?
- "HA, HA, HA."
SUE ANN, IF YOU THINK I'M
GONNA TAKE SECOND BILLING...
OKAY, OKAY. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
HERE'S WHAT WE DO. TED, AT THE BEGINNING
OF THE SHOW YOUR NAME WILL GO FIRST,
AND SUE ANN, YOUR NAME CAN
GO FIRST AT THE END OF THE SHOW.
NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT GOES IN BETWEEN
THE BEGINNING AND THE END, SHALL WE?
THAT'S GREAT, THE
WAY YOU HANDLED THAT.
OKAY. NOW, RHODA AND I THOUGHT
THAT SINCE SUE ANN IS A GOURMET COOK,
WE OUGHT TO DEVOTE ONE
SEGMENT TO RESTAURANT REVIEWS.
OH, THAT'S A MARVELOUS IDEA.
WELL I COULD DO THAT TOO, YOU
KNOW. BE GOOD FOR MY IMAGE.
I MEAN, LET THE PUBLIC
KNOW THAT I'M A REAL PERSON,
SOMEONE WHO EATS
FOOD JUST LIKE THEM.
WELL, TED, SUE ANN
IS A... EXPERT COOK.
BUT I KNOW RESTAURANTS,
MARY. DON'T I, GEORGETTE?
OH, YES. JUST THE OTHER
NIGHT, HE WARNED ME
NOT TO ORDER THE
HALIBUT AT THE BUS STATION.
OH. OKAY, UM, TED, THEN YOU
BOTH DO THE RESTAURANT REVIEWS.
NOW, ABOUT THE
OPENING OF THE SHOW...
OH, HOLD IT, UH, MARY. I HAD SOME
THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT MYSELF.
I THOUGHT, UH, WE
COULD OPEN THE SHOW...
BY DOING SOME BIOGRAPHICAL
SKETCHES ON ME AND SUE ANN.
- BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCHES?
- WELL, YEAH. YOU KNOW,
TELL THE TED BAXTER STORY.
STORY OF A LITTLE BOY
HUDDLED UP TO AN OLD RADIO,
LISTENING ENRAPTURED
TO LOWELL THOMAS AND...
AND THINKING SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY...
SOMEDAY THAT'LL BE
TED BAXTER SAYING,
"THIS IS LOWELL THOMAS SAYING,
'SO LONG UNTIL TOMORROW.'"
OF COURSE, INSTEAD OF
LOWELL THOMAS, I'D SAY,
"THIS IS TED BAXTER SAYING,
'SO LONG UNTIL TOMORROW.'"
DID YOU GET ALL THAT,
GEORGETTE? I GOT IT, TED.
YOU DID? REALLY? ALL OF IT? YES.
"THIS IS LOWELL THOMAS SAYING,
'SO LONG UNTIL TOMORROW.'
OF COURSE, INSTEAD
OF LOWELL THOMAS, I'D..."
YES, WELL. AND THEN AS SOON AS
TED FINISHED WITH HIS BIOGRAPHY,
I COULD DO MINE.
HOW AT ONLY SIX YEARS OLD,
A FRIGHTENED BUT
DARLING CHILD...
NAMED SUE ANN NIVENS
WON A BABY TALENT CONTEST...
IMPERSONATING SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
♪ ON THE GOOD SHIP LOLLIPOP ♪
♪ IT'S A NICE TRIP
TO A CANDY SHOP ♪
♪ WHERE THE BONBONS PLAY ♪♪
AH, THAT'S TERRIFIC,
SUE ANN. SIT DOWN.
[Chuckles]
♪ ON THE SUNNY SHORES
OF PEPPERMINT BAY ♪♪
NOW, LISTEN, EVERYBODY.
I KNOW I PROMISED BEFORE THAT
I WASN'T GONNA SAY ANYTHING,
BUT I THINK THAT AT
THIS POINT RIGHT HERE...
I HAVE SOMETHING
TERRIFIC TO CONTRIBUTE.
AND THAT IS... I HOPE
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND...
THAT IDEA ABOUT THE, UH,
BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCHES? REALLY DUMB.
WHAT... WHAT DID YOU SAY?
"THAT IDEA ABOUT THE BIOGRAPHICAL
SKETCHES? REALLY DUMB."
I KNOW WHAT SHE SAID, GEORGETTE.
RATHER A STRONG WORD, ISN'T IT?
WELL, I THINK WHAT RHODA MEANS... I
DON'T CARE WHAT RHODA MEANS, MARY.
COME ON, GEORGETTE.
WE'RE WALKING.
JUST A SECOND, TED.
"COME ON, GEORGETTE.
WE'RE WALKING." GEORGETTE.
THANK YOU FOR A
LOVELY TIME, MARY.
TED, YOU CAN'T JUST WALK
OUT. TED, I'M GOING WITH YOU.
YOU KNOW, FIRST MEETINGS LIKE
THIS OFTEN GET OFF TO A ROCKY START.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I THINK BY MONDAY,
WHEN WE HAVE OUR PRODUCTION MEETING,
THAT WE'LL HAVE A
BETTER IDEA OF THE, UH,
DIRECTION THAT OUR-OUR
SHOW, UH, WILL BE TAKING.
DON'T YOU?
[Knocking] COME IN.
MR. GRANT, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT A PROBLEM WITH THE SUNDAY SHOW.
MARY, I TOLD YOU. I DON'T WANNA
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT SHOW.
MR. GRANT, WILL YOU
PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO ME?
I MEAN, IT ISN'T EVERY DAY THAT I WALK
IN HERE AND GIVE YOU AN ULTIMATUM.
- YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME
AN ULTIMATUM?
- YES, AN ULTIMATUM.
KIND OF.
MR. GRANT, EITHER SUE ANN
AND TED GO OR RHODA AND I GO.
WELL, I GUESS IF IT COMES
DOWN TO A CHOICE BETWEEN...
TWO BRIGHT AND ENERGETIC
PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND RHODA...
OR A COUPLE OF MEATBALLS
LIKE TED AND... SUE ANN,
I HAVE TO GO WITH THEM.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE FINCH WANTS THEM,
AND THAT'S IT.
SO, YOU GONNA QUIT?
NO.
UH, GOOD. MARY, LET ME
GIVE YOU A PIECE OF ADVICE.
THE ONE THING YOU AS A
PRODUCER CANNOT DO...
IS TO LET TED AND SUE ANN
THINK YOU'RE AFRAID OF THEM.
IF THEY SMELL FEAR,
YOU'RE A GONER.
THEY'LL GO RIGHT FOR YOUR EYES.
LOOK, HAVE YOU... HAVE
YOU TRIED BEING BRUTAL?
OH, MR. GRANT. I'M
NOT THE BRUTAL TYPE.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES WHEN I
WANNA FRIGHTEN TED, I GIVE HIM A LOOK.
LIKE THIS.
SEE? REALLY SCARES HIM.
MAYBE YOU COULD TRY THAT.
NO, MR. GRANT. IT
WON'T WORK FOR ME.
IT WORKS FOR YOU 'CAUSE... THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT SCARES PEOPLE.
[Sighs] THANK YOU.
LOOK, IT'S MY PROBLEM.
IT'S NOT YOURS.
BUT, BOY, I'M JUST SORRY I EVER
THOUGHT UP THE IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE.
YOU MEAN APPROPRIATED.
FROM THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE, I'D
SAY THAT TED AND SUE ANN ARE STILL IN.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH. AND YOU AND RHODA ARE OUT?
NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO. WE'RE STILL IN.
MARY, CAN I GIVE
YOU A LITTLE ADVICE...
ON HOW TO HANDLE
TED AND SUE ANN?
YES. PLEASE, ANYTHING.
FLATTER THEM. BUTTER THEM UP.
WITH PEOPLE LIKE THAT, YOU'VE GOTTA DO
THAT SOMETIMES TO GET WHAT YOU WANT.
NO, MURRAY. THAT'S
NOT ME. I'D... I'D RATHER
LOSE THE SHOW THAN...
BUTTER THOSE TWO UP.
MARY. MARY. [Clears Throat]
OH, YES. LET'S NOT BEAT AROUND THE
BUSH. LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE POINT.
TELL HER, SUE ANN.
- MARY, WE WANT RHODA
OFF THE SHOW.
- OFF THE SHOW?
I'VE BEEN READING SOME OF THE NOTES
GEORGETTE TOOK AT THE MEETING, MAR.
YOU KNOW THE WORD
"DUMB" WAS USED FIVE TIMES?
NOW, I DON'T LIKE
THAT WORD, MAR.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THE COLOR
GREEN. I DON'T LIKE THE WORD "DUMB."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT RUBS
ME THE WRONG WAY. I JUST DON'T LIKE IT.
IT MUST BE THE SAME REASON
I DON'T LIKE THE WORD "BALD."
WE'RE SIMPLY GOING
TO HAVE TO TELL LOU...
THAT EITHER RHODA LEAVES
THE SHOW OR WE GO. THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, OKAY. WAIT. LOOK, UM...
I GOTTA BE HONEST HERE.
UH, I MEAN, I'M NOT THE KIND OF PERSON
WHO WILL BUTTER PEOPLE UP, YOU KNOW.
IT-IT'S... IT'S JUST NOT ME.
BUT I KNOW WHAT...
OPEN-MINDED AND...
FAIR PEOPLE YOU BOTH ARE.
MARY, I'M TOUGH. OH, RIGHT.
TOUGH, YES, BUT... GOOD TOUGH.
THE BEST KIND OF TOUGH THERE
IS, 'CAUSE YOU'RE FAIR TOUGH.
I MEAN, SUE ANN, YOU JUST ASK
ANYONE HERE AT THE STATION,
AND THEY WILL ALL SAY THAT THE...
THE BEAUTIFUL THING ABOUT YOU...
IS THE WAY YOU HAVE
OF WORKING WITH PEOPLE.
DO THEY? OH, THEY DON'T.
THEY DO. THEY DO, SUE ANN.
[Clears Throat] I'M KIND OF TOUGH
TOO, YOU KNOW. YOU BET YOU ARE.
EVERY TIME I MENTION YOUR NAME,
THE ONE THING THAT RHODA
ALWAYS SAYS ABOUT YOU IS...
BESIDES OF COURSE HOW
REALLY TALENTED YOU ARE...
IS HOW PATIENT AND TOLERANT YOU
ARE OF THE PEOPLE WHO WORK UNDER YOU.
WELL, I LOOK AT IT THIS WAY:
YOU'VE GOTTA BE NICE TO THE PEOPLE YOU MEET
ON THE WAY UP BEFORE THEY DO IT TO YOU.
RIGHT.
SO SURELY YOU TWO... WARM
PEOPLE CAN FIND IT IN YOUR HEARTS...
TO FORGIVE AND UNDERSTAND
THE INEXPERIENCE OF A NEWCOMER,
WHO WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE
BEST DARN JOB SHE COULD FOR YOU GUYS.
WELL, ALL RIGHT. I GUESS SO.
WE'LL GIVE RHODA
ANOTHER CHANCE. I KNEW IT.
I JUST...
DON'T SAY IT.
[Door Opens] [Lou] MARY...
YOU KNOW, I HEARD THAT WHOLE
THING WITH TED AND SUE ANN.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I'VE BEEN A PRODUCER FOR
MANY YEARS, AND BELIEVE ME,
I'VE HAD TO DO A LOT OF THINGS
THAT I NEVER WANTED TO DO EITHER.
[Sighs] BUT, MARY,
I'VE NEVER SUNK AS LOW AS THAT.
MARY, DON'T WORRY. I LEARNED MY
LESSON. I'M GONNA BE THE SOUL OF TACT.
OKAY. YOU DON'T HAVE
TO OVERDO IT OR ANYTHING.
BUT A LITTLE DIPLOMACY
WOULDN'T HURT.
GOT YOU. [Doorbell Buzzes]
MARY, I'M GONNA BE SO
GOOD YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT.
HI. HI.
HERE WE ARE AGAIN.
SUE ANN, TED, HELLO.
I AM SO GLAD WE WORKED EVERYTHING
OUT. AND AREN'T YOU LOOKING LOVELY?
THANK YOU.
SAY, MARY, SUE ANN AND I CAME UP
WITH A TERRIFIC FINISH FOR THE SHOW.
AND RHODA, WE
BOTH LOVE THE IDEA.
LOOK, WHY DON'T WE
TALK ABOUT THE END OF
THE SHOW WHEN WE GET
TO THE END OF THE SHOW?
RIGHT NOW I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT
THE BEGINNING. NOW, RHODA AND I...
THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY, DEAR. WE'VE
ALREADY WRITTEN AN OPENING MONOLOGUE.
A MONOLOGUE? [Ted] YEAH.
TELL SOME JOKES, GET
SOME HUMOR INTO THIS THING.
JOKES? [Ted] READ
THE INTRODUCTION.
"AND NOW THE STARS OF OUR SHOW,
THE ONE AND ONLY TED
BAXTER AND SUE ANN NIVENS."
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR
THAT WONDERFUL RECEPTION.
YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T HEARD SO MUCH APPLAUSE
SINCE I WAS HELD UP AND SPANKED AS A BABY.
HA, HA, HA, HA! HA, HA.
[Sue Ann] TED, DO YOU BELIEVE
THE PRICES OF FOOD THESE DAYS?
MEAT IS GETTING SO HIGH,
IT'S CHEAPER TO EAT MONEY.
[Chuckling] OH, HO, HO, HO.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL
SPRING DAY IT IS TODAY.
IN FACT, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL TODAY, I HEARD
THAT IRONSIDES DECIDED TO WALK TO WORK.
[Laughing] OKAY, UH, LOOK.
SUE ANN, TED... UH,
WANNA SIT DOWN?
WELL... YOU CAN'T
OPEN A SHOW LIKE THAT.
WHY? RHODA LOVES
IT. DON'T YOU, RHODA?
AH... NO.
- WHAT?
- TED, IT'S AWFUL. IT'S THE
DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD.
THERE'S THAT WORD AGAIN.
AND THAT SETTLES
IT. I WANT HER FIRED.
AND THAT GOES FOR ME TOO.
OKAY. NOW, LISTEN, YOU TWO.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
SOMETHING. IF RHODA GOES, I GO.
YOU KNOW SOMEBODY WE CAN GET?
OF COURSE. HOW HARD CAN IT
BE TO FIND A PRODUCER? RIGHT.
[Sue Ann] UH, YOU KNOW, YOU AND I
COULD DO THIS THING OURSELVES.
[Ted] HEY, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
WHO NEEDS PRODUCERS ANYWAY?
[Sue Ann] THAT'S NOT
THAT MUCH OF A JOB.
BOY, ARE THEY GONNA BOMB.
[Mews]