Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 4, Episode 15 - Happy Birthday, Lou! - full transcript

Lou receives what look like greeting cards in the mail at the office. Mary suspects and does confirm that it's his birthday. She also figures that he may be feeling a little depressed on this day since it will be his first birthday since he and Edie separated. As such, she decides to throw him a last minute surprise party at her place. The plan is to invite him over for a quick drink that evening, with all the guests to show up after his arrival. A few snags occur in pulling off the party. First, Sue Ann hijacks the party planning and implementation, with nobody's input meeting her exacting standards. Second, Lou arrives a little earlier than expected, which means that Mary has to keep him there a little longer than expected. And third, Lou drops a bit of news before everyone's arrival which may make Mary want to hide all the guests when they arrive. Regardless of everything happening around him, Lou ends up handling the evening in his own way.

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♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

MARY, WILL YOU PUT THIS MEMO THROUGH
FOR ME? I'M GIVING GORDIE A RAISE.

OH, MR. GRANT. ISN'T THAT NICE.



NO, IT'S NOT. I KNOW CHANNEL 6 IS
LOOKING FOR ANOTHER WEATHERMAN,

AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM.

ANYTHING FOR ME? YEAH.

A COUPLE OF CARDS, AS A MATTER
OF FACT. WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

ANYTHING ELSE? NO, THAT'S IT.

LOOKED LIKE
BIRTHDAY CARDS TO ME.

OH, MURRAY, I'LL
BET YOU'RE RIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S CERTAINLY
EASY ENOUGH TO CHECK.

[Chuckling] ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY WHO
WANTS A CHUCKLE, GATHER AROUND.

JUST... JUST GATHER
AROUND. [Clears Throat]

MURRAY, FOR AS LONG
AS I'VE KNOWN YOU,

YOU'VE MADE A HABIT
OF PUTTING ME DOWN.

YOU ENJOY MAKING A
FOOL OF ME, DON'T YOU?

LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, TED.
SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT.



I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY
SOMETHING NOW. GO AHEAD.

JUST... JUST... JUST START
SOMETHING. OKAY, TED. UH...

I THINK YOUR
NEWSCAST LAST NIGHT...

SHUT UP, CURLY. WHAT?

IS THAT YOUR HEAD, OR IS
YOUR NECK BLOWING A BUBBLE?

THESE ARE "BALD PEOPLE" JOKES.

OH.

WHAT'S THAT BOOK?

HECKLER STOPPERS
AND ONE-LINE TOPPERS.

- I SENT AWAY FOR IT.
- HEY, MURRAY, YOU WERE RIGHT.

TODAY IS MR. GRANT'S BIRTHDAY.

OH, YEAH? HOW OLD IS HE?

WELL, LET'S SEE. HE WAS
BORN IN 1925. SO, LET'S SEE.

I'LL GET IT. LET'S
SEE. IT'S, UH...

I SAID I'LL GET IT, MARY.

WELL, I CAN'T GET IT IF
YOU'RE GONNA STARE AT ME.

FORTY-EIGHT. THAT'S WHAT I HAD.

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE HE DIDN'T WANT
US TO KNOW THAT THIS IS HIS BIRTHDAY?

- HE SURE WAS SECRETIVE.
- [Gasps] MURRAY, I JUST
THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.

THIS IS HIS FIRST
BIRTHDAY SINCE...

- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- SINCE WHAT?

SINCE HE SEPARATED
FROM MRS. GRANT.

THEY WERE TOGETHER
ALL THOSE YEARS.

THIS HAS TO BE A REALLY
DEPRESSING TIME FOR HIM.

YOU'RE RIGHT. AND LOU ISN'T THE KIND
THAT WANTS PEOPLE FEELING SORRY FOR HIM.

OH, I KNOW, AND I JUST
FEEL SO SORRY FOR HIM.

HEY, MAYBE I SHOULD GO IN AND TELL HIM
SOME OF THESE JOKES YOU DO FOR OLD PEOPLE.

LET'S SEE. "YOU'RE SO OLD THAT
YOUR WRINKLES HAVE WRINKLES."

[Laughing] THESE ARE... THESE
ARE "OLD PEOPLE" JOKES.

YEAH. AND I REALLY DON'T THINK
THEY'RE GOING TO CHEER MR. GRANT UP.

I'VE GOT TO GO IN THERE AND TALK
TO HIM ABOUT GORDIE'S RAISE ANYWAY.

- WHY IS GORDIE GETTING A RAISE?
- BECAUSE MR. GRANT DOESN'T
WANT TO TAKE ANY CHANCES...

OF LOSING HIM TO
ANOTHER STATION.

WHY AREN'T I GETTING A RAISE?

OH, SAY, GORDIE, I, UH, JUST
RECOMMENDED YOU FOR A RAISE.

THANKS, TED. THERE'S
NO NEED TO THANK ME.

YOU DESERVE IT. THE WEATHER'S
BEEN VERY GOOD LATELY.

UH, I NEED YOUR
SIGNATURE ON THIS.

OKAY, MARY.

MR. GRANT, COULD I SAY
SOMETHING PERSONAL?

YEAH, I GUESS SO.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

YOU REALLY LAY IT ON
THE LINE, DON'T YOU?

HOW'D YOU KNOW?
WELL, I SAW THE CARDS.

OH, YEAH. THESE, HUH?

EVERY YEAR, MY
MOTHER SENDS ME $25...

AND SAYS TO GET MYSELF
SOMETHING NICE WITH IT.

I USED TO GO OUT
AND GET MYSELF A SUIT.

NOW I GO OUT AND
GET MYSELF A STEAK.

- WHO'S THE OTHER ONE FROM?
- ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS.

"THIS LITTLE FLUFFY COTTONTAIL
IS HOPPING RIGHT YOUR WAY...

TO WISH YOU LOTS OF LOVE
AND JOY THIS VERY SPECIAL DAY."

WELL, IT'S THE
THOUGHT, YOU KNOW.

SHE DIDN'T WRITE
IT. SHE BOUGHT IT.

IT'S PRINTED RIGHT ON THE CARD.
SOME GUY DOES THAT FOR A LIVING.

EVERY MORNING HE GOES
TO THE OFFICE AND WRITES...

LITTLE FLUFFY COTTONTAIL POEMS.

PROBABLY. THEN AT
NIGHT HE GOES HOME...

AND KICKS HIS DOG
THROUGH A HEDGE.

SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY?

MARY, IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT I DO ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY.

IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER DAY...

CHRISTMAS,
THANKSGIVING, NEW YEAR'S.

WELL, DON'T YOU HAVE ANY
PLANS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

I DON'T PLAN THINGS, MARY. I
JUST LIKE TO LET THINGS HAPPEN.

I LIKE TO BE SPONTANEOUS. CALL
ME MADCAP, BUT THAT'S THE WAY I AM.

READY, MAR? OH, NO, RHODA,
I CAN'T GO TO LUNCH TODAY.

THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH TO ARRANGE
FOR MR. GRANT'S SURPRISE PARTY.

ANYBODY GOING TO LUNCH? UH, NO.

BUT WHY DON'T YOU GO, MR. GRANT?

WHERE'S MURRAY? OH, HE
WENT TO LUNCH ALREADY.

OH, I GUESS I'M NOT
THAT HUNGRY AFTER ALL.

MARY, TELL ME AGAIN,
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

BECAUSE HE'S LONELY, RHODA.

I'M SURE THAT'S WHY HE DIDN'T WANT
US TO KNOW THAT TODAY IS HIS BIRTHDAY.

SO EVERYBODY WOULDN'T GET SENTIMENTAL
AND MAKE A FUSS AND EMBARRASS HIM.

- EXACTLY.
- YOU'RE GONNA GET SENTIMENTAL,
MAKE A FUSS AND EMBARRASS HIM.

YES... NO, I DON'T
THINK I'M GOING TO.

RHODA, I JUST CAN'T
STAND THE THOUGHT OF HIM

CELEBRATING HIS LITTLE
BIRTHDAY ALL ALONE.

SO, YOU GONNA HELP
ME? SURE, I'LL HELP YOU.

WILL YOU STOP OFF ON YOUR
WAY HOME FROM WORK, GET SOME...

LET'S SEE... CLUB SODA
AND GINGER ALE. RIGHT.

WHAT IS THIS? OH, A LARGE CAKE.

ABOUT A GALLON OF ICE CREAM.
AND I'LL JUST HAVE COFFEE.

LOU, CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING
FROM DOWNSTAIRS... FOR LUNCH?

SAY, RHODA, SINCE
MARY HAS TO STAY HERE,

YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR LUNCH?

- OKAY. WHY NOT?
- THERE YOU ARE, LOU. I CAUGHT YOU.

HI, SUE ANN.

DO YOU WEAR YOUR
SLEEVES ROLLED UP...

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT
WONDERFUL ARMS YOU HAVE?

UH, NO. NO.

I... I JUST KEEP 'EM UP SO I
DON'T GET ANY STUFF ON 'EM.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I
FIND SHYNESS IN A MAN IRRESISTIBLE.

DON'T TELL ME THE HAPPY
HOMEMAKER HAS EYES FOR LOU.

I THINK SO. WELL, HE MEETS
ALL HER REQUIREMENTS.

HE'S A U.S. CITIZEN
BETWEEN 18 AND 65.

YOU HAVE LINT ON THAT JACKET.

LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.

YOU SIMPLY TAKE YOUR
ORDINARY SCOTCH TAPE...

AND WRAP IT AROUND YOUR HAND,

AND THEN THE LINT IS GONE.

OH. IT'S NICE NOT
TO HAVE ANY LINT.

SO WHERE ARE YOU EATING LUNCH?

OH, NO PLACE FANCY.

A JOINT I KNOW RUN BY
AN EX-MESS SERGEANT.

I ALWAYS GO THERE ON FRIDAY,
'CAUSE THE SPECIAL IS CATFISH AND CHILI.

YOU WANT TO TAG ALONG?

SAY, I'D LOVE THAT. YEAH? GOOD.

BUT I HAVE TO PREPARE
TOMORROW'S SHOW.

IT'S A SALUTE TO POULTRY.

UH, YEAH. OKAY.

COME ON, RHODA. OKAY, LOU.

BUT LISTEN, I AM ON A DIET.

DO YOU THINK THEY HAVE
CATFISH WITH COTTAGE CHEESE?

- SO LONG, SUE ANN.
- ISN'T IT FUNNY...

HOW HYPERMASCULINE MEN...

FEEL THREATENED BY
VERY FEMININE WOMEN?

GEE, I HADN'T NOTICED THAT.

I HAVE. I THREATEN
A LOT OF THEM.

SO, HOW ARE THINGS ON
THE HAPPY HOMEMAKER SET?

OH, GLORIOUS. WE'RE
TAPING A SPECIAL.

SO FAR TODAY, I'VE
POACHED MARROW,

RENDERED LARD
AND CODDLED AN EGG.

IT'S A FULL LIFE,
ISN'T IT, SUE ANN?

LISTEN, I DON'T WANT TO
KEEP YOU OR ANYTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
GIVE LOU FOR HIS BIRTHDAY?

- HOW DID YOU KNOW
IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY?
- OH, A LITTLE BIRD TOLD ME.

DID THE LITTLE BIRD HAVE
SILVER HAIR, BY ANY CHANCE,

AND ONE FOOT IN HIS BEAK?

I THINK LOU'S BIRTHDAY CALLS
FOR SOMETHING SUPERSPECIAL.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW
SUPERSPECIAL IT'S GONNA BE,

BUT I AM GOING TO GIVE
HIM A SURPRISE PARTY.

TERRIFIC! YOU JUST GET HIM TO
YOUR PLACE, AND I'LL DO THE REST.

AND, MARY, I PROMISE YOU,

I CAN SHOW YOU A
THOUSAND AND ONE TRICKS...

THAT CAN TURN ANY
GATHERING INTO AN AFFAIR. OH.

I'LL JUST BET YOU CAN.

I'LL SEE YOU AT
YOUR PLACE AT 7:30.

RIGHT NOW I HAVE
TO GO STUFF A DUCK.

I WAS JUST GOING TO
SUGGEST YOU DO THAT.

MR. GRANT?

WHAT IS IT, MARY?

JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU
ABOUT DROPPING BY TONIGHT.

OH, YEAH. RIGHT. BUT
REMEMBER, JUST A QUICK ONE.

YEAH, RIGHT. JUST... [Clicks Tongue]
THAT'S IT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER THEN.

YEAH. YEAH, BUT REMEMBER
NOW, JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES.

YEAH, RIGHT. JUST 10,
15, MAYBE 20 MINUTES.

WELL, UH... [Groans]

HIYA, LOU, OLD BUDDY.

HI, TED. A LITTLE
DEPRESSED, HUH?

WHAT? LISTEN, I JUST WANT YOU
TO UNDERSTAND, I UNDERSTAND.

IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL. A LOT OF
PEOPLE FEEL DEPRESSED ON THEIR BIRTHDAY.

HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS
MY BIRTHDAY? I REMEMBER.

LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME, I WISHED
YOU A "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOU,"

AND YOU DIDN'T CORRECT ME, SO...

I'D RATHER NO ONE ELSE KNEW
ABOUT IT. YOU CAN TRUST ME.

I KNOW A LITTLE
ABOUT TACT. YEAH.

HOW DOES IT FEEL
TO BE PUSHIN' 50?

I'VE GOT THIS LUMP IN MY
THROAT. LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

THESE ARE THE GOLDEN YEARS,
THE TWILIGHT OF A HAPPY LIFE.

[Chuckles] I'LL REMEMBER THAT.

DAYS DWINDLE DOWN
TO A PRECIOUS FEW.

♪ SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER ♪

I THINK MAYBE I'VE BEEN
CHEERED UP ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY.

LOU, WHEN YOU THINK
ABOUT IT, IT'S INCREDIBLE.

TWO-THIRDS OF YOUR
LIFE SHOT, JUST LIKE THAT.

WHERE DOES IT ALL GO? I WANNA
KNOW. WHERE DOES IT ALL GO?

BYE, TED.

HELLO, LOU. EDIE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. OH,
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

DON'T GET EMBARRASSED.
IT'S NOTHING FANCY.

[Sniffs]

WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU
DOWN TO THE OLD NEWSROOM?

WELL, I WANTED TO WISH YOU A HAPPY
BIRTHDAY AND GIVE YOU YOUR PRESENT.

I KNEW YOU'D BE GOING OUT LATER.
WELL, YOU JUST DIDN'T HAPPEN BY...

BECAUSE YOU WERE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

COME ON. OF COURSE NOT.

I WANTED TO GIVE YOU
YOUR PRESENT. MMM.

THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND
YOU'RE TALKING TO.

COME ON, EDIE. I KNOW YOU. LOU!

YOU CAME HERE TO
FLIRT, DIDN'T YOU?

I CAME TO GIVE YOU YOUR PRESENT.
NO, LISTEN. I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FLIRTING.

YOU'RE FLIRTING,
RIGHT? I AM NOT FLIRTING.

COME ON, COME ON. I KNOW
YOU'RE FLIRTING. [Laughing]

COME ON, EDIE. I KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE FLIRTING. LOU, STOP!

TELL OLD LOU YOU'RE
FLIRTING. KITCHY, KITCHY, KITCHY!

KITCHY, KITCHY, KITCHY! KITCHY
COO! KITCHY COO! [Laughing Continues]

EXCUSE ME.

IF I EVER CATCH YOU TALKING ABOUT
ME GOING "KITCHY, KITCHY COO"...

DID YOU GO "KITCHY, KITCHY COO"?

I DIDN'T SEE YOU DO THAT. WHY
DID YOU GO "KITCHY, KITCHY, COO"?

ALL RIGHT, GORDIE.
ALL RIGHT. DROP IT.

LOU, IT'S JUST THAT IT'S KIND
OF A HARD SUBJECT TO DROP.

IT'S NOT EVERY DAY THE GUY'S
BOSS WALKS OVER TO HIM AND SAYS,

"I DON'T WANT YOU TO SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT ME GOING 'KITCHY, KITCHY COO.'"

GOOD NIGHT, GORDIE.
GOOD NIGHT, LOU.

GOOD NIGHT, EDIE.

LOU, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I WON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY
ABOUT YOU GOING "KITCHY, KITCHY COO."

ALL RIGHT. CAN I TELL 'EM
THAT YOU SAID "KITCHY"?

SO, EDIE? YES, LOU?

THANKS FOR THE PRESENT. I JUST
KNOW I'M GOING TO ENJOY THAT.

I HOPE SO. YOU KNOW,

YOU CAN STILL HUG ME
WHEN I GIVE YOU A PRESENT.

YEAH, I KNOW I CAN STILL
HUG YOU. YOU WANT TO?

IN THE NEWSROOM?
THERE'S NO ONE HERE.

OKAY.

[Growling, Babbling]

[Laughs]

[Laughing] OH, GET AWAY FROM ME!

[Laughing Continues]

HERE'S MY CHAFING
DISH, MAR. OH, THANK YOU.

HELLO, SUE ANN. OH.

WHAT DO WE PLAN TO
DO ABOUT THE TARNISH?

WE FIGURED... WE FIGURED
WE'D DIM THE LIGHTS.

MARY, YOU BE SURE AND PUT
SOMETHING UNDER THAT TONIGHT.

ONCE THE ALCOHOL FROM THE BURNER
ON ONE OF THOSE RUINED MY TABLE FINISH.

I SOLVED IT WITH A MIXTURE OF
MAYONNAISE AND ORDINARY CIGARETTE ASHES.

- THAT MAKES A GOOD
STAIN REMOVER?
- BUT A ROTTEN DIP.

- WHAT IS THE THEME
OF THIS GATHERING?
- OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I GUESS.

OH, MARY, THAT'S SO HUMDRUM.

LET'S COME UP WITH A THEME.
OUR DECOR SHOULD SAY SOMETHING.

MAYBE OUR COUCH
COULD PROPOSE A TOAST.

SUE ANN, DON'T YOU THINK MR. GRANT
WILL SUSPECT WHEN HE WALKS IN HERE...

AND SEES CREPE PAPER SPELLING
OUT "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOU"?

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE'LL CONCENTRATE ON THE THEME.

SAY, HERE'S AN INSPIRATION.

LAST MONTH, ONE OF MY
VIEWERS ASKED FOR HELP...

WITH HER GRANDFATHER'S
80th BIRTHDAY.

I SUGGESTED A KIDDIE PARTY.

- A KIDDIE PARTY.
- DON'T YOU LOVE IT?

WE FLEW IN THE FACE OF TIME.

ALL THE OLD-TIMERS GOT
LOLLIPOPS AND BALLOONS,

PLAYED MUSICAL CHAIRS,
WORE BIBS AT THE TABLE.

TELL ME, HOW DID GRANDPA
FEEL WHEN THEY PUT

HIM UP ON THE PONY TO
GET HIS PICTURE TAKEN?

WELL.

OH, HERE. LET ME FRESHEN THAT
FOR YOU, MR. GRANT. WE AGREED.

I TOLD YOU I WAS JUST GONNA HAVE
ONE DRINK, AND THEN I'D BE GOING.

YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
YOU WERE COMING 10 MINUTES EARLY.

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT? I DIDN'T
GIVE THE SCOTCH A CHANCE TO BREATHE.

MARY, I WANT TO THANK
YOU. OH, NO, IT WAS JUST...

NO, NO, NOT FOR THE DRINK.

FOR NOT HAVING A PARTY
FOR ME IN THE OFFICE TODAY.

I KNOW THERE WAS TALK ABOUT
GETTING ME A CAKE AND CHAMPAGNE.

WELL, I JUST WANT TO THANK
YOU FOR HEADING IT OFF.

OH, MR. GRANT, DON'T GO.

WELL, YOU WISHED ME
MANY HAPPY RETURNS.

I SAID THANK YOU. WHAT ELSE IS
THERE? WELL, COME ON. SIT DOWN.

IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT. I'M
ALONE. YOU'RE ALONE.

HEY, I REALLY WANT TO BE ALONE.

MARY, ARE YOU GONNA
HAVE A PARTY FOR ME?

NO. WHY DO YOU ASK?

BECAUSE I HATE PARTIES,
AND I HATE BEING SURPRISED.

SO, OF COURSE, YOU CAN IMAGINE
HOW I FEEL ABOUT SURPRISE PARTIES.

- YOU HATE THEM.
- YOU GOT IT.

[Doorbell Buzzes]

IT'S FUNNY HOW THE
BELL SHOULD RING...

JUST AS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
SURPRISE PARTIES. YEAH, ISN'T IT?

NOT NOW.

- WHO IS IT?
- UH, OH, IT'S JUST...

IT'S GORDIE, WHO'S COME FROM THE
OFFICE TO BRING ME SOME, UH, WORK.

HI, GORDIE. LOU.

- WHAT KIND OF WORK?
- OH, YOU KNOW.

UH, WORK.

FROM THE NEWSROOM.

I KNOW WHERE YOU
WORK. I'M YOUR BOSS.

I WANT TO KNOW
WHAT KIND OF WORK.

PAPER HATS.

SOMEBODY MUST HAVE
SWITCHED ENVELOPES ON ME.

WE DON'T USE PAPER HATS
IN THE NEWSROOM, MARY.

WE HAVEN'T FOR YEARS. PAPER
HATS ARE USED AT PARTIES.

I'M LEAVING.

NO, MR. GRANT,
PLEASE. YOU CAN'T.

EVERYTHING'S ALL PLANNED.
AHA! IT IS A SURPRISE PARTY.

NO. NO?

UM, NOT REALLY. WHAT DO
YOU MEAN, "NOT REALLY"?

- COME ON. THE SURPRISE IS OVER.
- THIS WAS A ROTTEN TRICK,
GORDIE.

- WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME FOR?
- HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, GORDIE?

I DIDN'T.

THIS WAS A LOUSY
THING TO DO. I'M LEAVING.

OH, MR. GRANT,
PLEASE. AW, LET HIM GO.

WHO WANTS HIM?

FINE. WE'RE ALL AGREED. I
GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

[Guests] SURPRISE!

BY THE BACK DOOR. NO, MR. GRANT.

THERE ISN'T ANY BACK DOOR.
THAT IS A VERY FOOLISH THING.

DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS
IT IS NOT TO HAVE A BACK DOOR?

BUT, MR. GRANT,
THEY'RE JUST FRIENDS.

NO FRIENDS ARE COMING
THROUGH THAT DOOR.

THEY STAY OUT. HOW
COULD YOU DO THIS, GORDIE?

IT WAS NOT HIS IDEA. DON'T ALWAYS
STAND UP FOR OTHER PEOPLE, MARY.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TALKED HER
INTO THIS. NOW I WANT TO GET OUT.

NOW, WAIT. WAIT. I'LL
TELL YOU WHAT. [Knocking]

WE'LL JUST LET MURRAY
IN. [Knocking Continues]

YOU LIKE MURRAY,
DON'T YOU, MR. GRANT?

YEAH. I LIKE MURRAY. OKAY, THEN!

WE'LL JUST LET
MURRAY IN. THAT'S ALL.

MARY, YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, AND
THEY'RE ALL GOING TO COME IN HERE.

THEY WON'T, MR. GRANT. I
PROMISE YOU. JUST MURRAY.

[Guests] ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY
TO YOU ♪ [Shushing]

UM, EVERYBODY, IF YOU CAN
JUST GIVE ME A FEW MINUTES.

IT SEEMS THAT HE DOESN'T
LIKE, UH, BIRTHDAYS.

[Woman] WHAT DID YOU SAY?
HE DOESN'T LIKE BIRTHDAYS!

IS MURRAY OUT THERE?
MURRAY! MURRAY!

COME IN HERE FOR JUST A
MINUTE, PLEASE. NO, NO. [Clamoring]

PLEASE, JUST
MURRAY. JUST MURRAY.

PLEASE. ONLY A MINUTE.
[Clamoring Continues]

SO YOU DON'T LIKE
SURPRISE PARTIES.

IS THAT ANY REASON TO KEEP
ME STUCK OUT IN THE HALL?

THAT'S NO REASON.
NO REASON AT ALL, LOU.

HERE'S YOUR PRESENT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THERE. YOU SEE, MR. GRANT? THAT
WASN'T SO BAD, WAS IT? [Knocking]

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW
WE, UH, BRING RHODA IN?

YOU LIKE RHODA.
[Mutters] [Knocking Continues]

YEAH, I LIKE RHODA. OKAY, THEN!

WE'LL JUST LET RHODA IN.

[Guests] ♪ HAPPY
BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

PLEASE, IF YOU'LL JUST BEAR
WITH ME FOR A FEW MINUTES.

EVERYTHING'S COMING
ALONG JUST FINE. JUST FINE.

LOOK, YOU WANT TO CLEAR A
SPACE ON THE STAIRWAY SO THAT...

[Man] CLEAR A SPACE.

RHODA, COULD YOU COME IN
FOR JUST A MINUTE, PLEASE? YEAH?

I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

STANDING OUT HERE ALL THIS TIME!
HOW COME WE CAN'T GO IN THERE, MARY?

MARY, I THINK WE'VE FOUND A
THEME FOR THIS PARTY... HATRED.

MR. GRANT, THIS IS
SILLY. IT'S EMBARRASSING.

I MEAN, I INVITED
THOSE PEOPLE HERE.

[Clamoring] BACK, YOU ANIMALS!

BOY, I CAN SEE WHY YOU DON'T
WANT THOSE LOSERS IN HERE.

HERE'S A PRESENT FOR
THE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" BOY.

[Laughs]

AREN'T YOU GONNA
OPEN IT, LOU? NO.

AW, COME ON. OPEN IT,
LOU. I PICKED IT OUT MYSELF.

PLEASE! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

- WHAT IS IT, LOU?
- THIRTY DOLLARS.

THAT'S FIVE DOLLARS MORE
THAN YOUR MOTHER GAVE YOU.

LOOK, UH, MR. GRANT.
I CAN UNDERSTAND...

YOUR HAVING AN AVERSION
TO SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

SO I'M REALLY JUST, YOU KNOW,
TOTALLY IN SYMPATHY WITH YOU THERE.

BUT, MR. GRANT, WHY
ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

I MEAN, LOOK, I AM A PERSON
WHO LIVES ALL HER LIFE...

TRYING TO AVOID
SCENES, YOU KNOW?

AND THERE ARE 24
PEOPLE OUT THERE...

READY TO BASH DOWN MY DOOR...

JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO
GIVE YOU A LITTLE PARTY.

FORGET IT, MARY. WE CAN HAVE A
GOOD TIME WITH JUST US. RIGHT, LOU?

YOU THINK I ENJOY
DOING THIS TO YOU?

I KNOW HOW HORRIBLE
THIS EVENING IS TO YOU.

I KNOW HOW HORRIBLE IT IS FOR
ALL THOSE PEOPLE OUT ON THE STAIRS.

BUT I CAN'T STAND IT,
MARY. I REALLY CAN'T.

YOU CAN'T STAND WHAT? ANY
DEMONSTRATION OF AFFECTION.

I DON'T... I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO HANDLE IT,

HOW TO... RESPOND TO IT.

I NEVER HAVE. IT'S A
BIG PROBLEM FOR ME.

AW, MR. GRANT. MARY.

I'M SORRY.

MARY, CAN'T YOU JUST GO OUT
THERE AND EXPLAIN TO THEM...

HOW I HATE THIS SORT OF THING
AND TELL THEM TO GO AWAY?

NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.
I INVITED THEM HERE.

MR. GRANT, I'M REALLY SORRY.

HEY, MARY, YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU WORKED
PRETTY HARD FOR THIS PARTY.

AND YOU KNOW WHY, LOU?

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO BE ALONE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.

LOOK, LOU, I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M
NOT GOING TO LAY ANY GUILT ON YOU,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MY MOTHER
ALWAYS DOES TO ME, AND I HATE IT.

BUT IF SHE WERE HERE,

MY MOTHER WOULD SAY,
"LOU, DO WHAT YOU WANT.

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY
DIFFERENCE"... YEAH?

"BUT YOU ARE RIPPING OUT THE
HEARTS OF THOSE WHO LOVE YOU."

THAT MAKES SENSE, LOU.

I CAN'T FIGHT ALL OF YOU.

OKAY, I'LL LET 'EM IN.

OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. [Chattering]

GOOD GOING. OKAY.

[Chattering]

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR LOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪♪
[Cheering]

[Cheering Continues]

SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!

[Guests Shouting] SPEECH!
SPEECH! SPEECH! WHERE'S LOU?

- WHERE'S LOU?
- WHERE'S LOU?

WELL, HE DID SAY HE COULD
ONLY STAY A FEW MINUTES.

[Doorbell Buzzes]

MR. GRANT.

I THOUGHT I'D JUST DROP BY...

AND APOLOGIZE FOR
RUINING YOUR PARTY.

WELL, THAT'S ALL
RIGHT. WELL, COME ON IN.

EVERYBODY'S GONE.

SO, HOW WAS MY PARTY?

YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?
IT WAS THE BEST PARTY I EVER GAVE.

FIGURES.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT
BETTER IF YOU'D BEEN HERE.

OH, WELL, THAT'S ALL
RIGHT. I UNDERSTAND.

THERE ARE YOUR PRESENTS.
TED INSISTED THAT WE OPEN THEM.

HE SAID YOU WOULD
HAVE WANTED IT THAT WAY.

- SO, EVERYBODY HAD
A GOOD TIME, HUH?
- YEAH.

- THERE'S SOME CAKE LEFT. YOU WANT SOME?
- YEAH, SURE.

WHO BLEW OUT MY
CANDLES? OH, WE ALL DID.

YEAH? ANYBODY MAKE A WISH?

YEAH. GORDIE. YEAH?
WHAT DID HE WISH?

OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO
KNOW THAT, MR. GRANT.

SO WHAT DID YOU DO TONIGHT?

I WENT DOWN TO McCLUSKY'S
AND HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE
IT WAS FUN. NAH.

THEY THREW A
SURPRISE PARTY FOR ME.

WELL, YOU SEE, MR. GRANT,
EVERYBODY REALLY LOVES YOU.

I KNOW.

[Mews]