Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 3, Episode 17 - My Brother's Keeper - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

DID YOU HAVE A NICE
LUNCH, MAR? YEAH.

HEY, WHAT'S THIS? UH...



"YOU ARE INVITED TO
A HALLOWEEN PARTY"?

NO. NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO. IT'S FROM ME.

AND, YOU SEE, THE "HALLOWEEN"
IS CROSSED OUT. MM-HMM.

I NEEDED PARTY INVITATIONS,
AND ALL THEY HAD WERE THESE.

AND I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO LOOK
FOR OTHERS, SO... [Intercom Buzzing]

YES, MR. GRANT? BE RIGHT IN.

BEFORE I SAY YES,

TELL ME WE'RE NOT
GONNA BOB FOR APPLES.

I KNEW THOSE CARDS
WERE A MISTAKE.

- WHAT ARE YOU THROWING
A PARTY FOR?
- OH, JUST FOR FUN.

I'VE WANTED TO FOR A LONG TIME NOW
TO PAY BACK ALL THE PARTIES I'VE BEEN TO.

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO
A PARTY AT OUR HOUSE.

OH, WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU DON'T HAVE PARTIES.

YES, WE... DO.



OH.

WE'LL INVITE YOU THE NEXT TIME.

OH, NO, THAT'S OKAY,
MR. GRANT. WELL, YOU SEE,

EDIE USUALLY HAS MOSTLY
HER FRIENDS OVER, AND...

NO, REALLY, MR. GRANT... NO,
REALLY, I WANNA INVITE YOU.

WELL, OKAY, OKAY.
SO YOU'LL COME THEN?

YEAH, SURE, I WILL. I DON'T KNOW
WHEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE ONE.

BUT I WANT YOU TO
COME, BECAUSE... UH-HUH.

HI, HI. PHYLLIS. HI.

LOU, I'D LOVE TO TALK TO YOU
TOO, BUT I'M HERE TO SEE MARY.

HUH.

WELL, IF-IF I'M IN THE WAY, I CAN
WAIT OUT ON THE WINDOW LEDGE.

MR. GRANT, EXCUSE
US. "WINDOW LEDGE."

HE'S SUCH A CUTIE.

PHYLLIS, IS SOMETHING
THE MATTER?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M ON
MY WAY TO THE AIRPORT,

BUT, UH, LET'S TALK
OF OTHER THINGS.

MARY, THAT IS A NICE
DRESS... FOR-FOR WORK.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA CHANGE INTO
WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM WORK TONIGHT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW, PHYL. I
MIGHT JUST LIVE RECKLESSLY...

AND, UH, STAY RIGHT IN THIS ONE.

WHAT IS THIS? NO,
THAT WON'T DO AT ALL.

MARY, PLEASE CHANGE IT.
BUT YOU WILL BE IN ABOUT 7:00?

YEAH, I-I THINK I WILL. PHYLLIS,
LOOK, THIS IS AN OFFICE.

I CAN'T JUST STAND
AROUND AND CHAT.

I GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO HERE. I
GOTTA GET OUT MY PARTY INVITATIONS.

HERE'S YOURS. WELL, THANK YOU.

OH, LARS WILL BE AT SOME
BIG DERMATOLOGISTS' BASH.

BUT COULD I BRING SOMEBODY ELSE?

YEAH, SURE. WHO?

OH, MARY, HOW YOU
FERRET THINGS OUT.

WELL, I'LL CONFESS.

I HAVE A SURPRISE,

AND I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD ALL
WEEK TO YOUR MEETING THIS SURPRISE.

OH. OKAY.

I'LL SAY THIS MUCH. THE
SURPRISE IS A PERSON.

MY PLAN WAS TO BRING THIS PERSON
BY YOUR PLACE TONIGHT JUST CASUALLY.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOUR BROTHER
IS GETTING INTO TOWN TODAY.

WHO SPOILED MY SURPRISE?

WELL, PHYL, YOU
TOLD ME FOUR TIMES.

- I SPOILED MY SURPRISE.
- I GUESS.

OH, MARY, YOU'LL ADORE HIM.

HE'S JUST LIKE ME.

AND, MARY, WAIT TILL
YOU HEAR HIM PLAY.

HE'S A MUSICAL GENIUS.
YEAH, YOU MENTIONED THAT.

AN ABSOLUTE GENIUS.
HE'S A COMPOSER.

OH? WHAT'S HE WRITTEN?

UH, COMMERCIALS.

TELEVISION COMMERCIALS...

WHERE THEY USE LARGE
SYMPHONY ORCHESTRAS.

THERE'S NO QUESTION,
YOU KNOW, THAT IF BACH

WERE ALIVE TODAY, HE
WOULD BE DOING TELEVISION.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT TED.

I AM REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO MEETING YOUR

BROTHER, BUT I HAVE
GOT TO GET BACK TO WORK.

SURE. OKAY. WELL, WE'LL
POP BY ABOUT 7:00 THEN.

OKAY. THAT'LL GIVE YOU A CHANCE
TO CHANGE OUT OF THAT DRESS.

PHYL! WHAT IS WRONG
WITH THIS DRESS?

OH, NOTHING. OH, NO,
MARY. IT'S JUST THAT...

HIS FAVORITE COLOR IS RED.

MARY, I DON'T WANNA PUSH YOU
TWO INTO EACH OTHER'S ARMS.

IT'S JUST THAT FROM THE MOMENT
YOU MOVED INTO OUR BUILDING,

I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF,

"BEN WOULD LOVE MARY."

AND THEN, OF COURSE,
YOU'RE BOTH UNMARRIED.

IT SEEMS AS IF YOU'VE BEEN
SAVED FOR EACH OTHER.

WELL, PHYL, I'M
NOT ALL THAT SAVED.

WELL, DON'T LISTEN TO ME.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN TRYING
TO CONTROL THINGS.

IF... LET IT HAPPEN
IF IT HAPPENS.

IF THERE BE BELLS,
LET THERE BE BELLS.

[Knocking]

HI, MARY. HI.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO PUT IT,

EXCEPT MARY RICHARDS, MY
DEAR FRIEND AND NEIGHBOR...

AND ALL-AROUND WITH-IT PERSON,

THIS IS MY BROTHER BEN.

BEN, THIS IS MARY.

- NICE TO MEET YOU, MARY.
- VERY NICE TO MEET
YOU TOO, BEN.

I KNEW IT. I JUST HAD A FEELING.

WON'T YOU COME IN AND SIT DOWN?

MARY, IF WE'RE JUST BARGING IN OR
INTERRUPTING THE SLIGHTEST, PLEASE SAY SO.

NO, YOU'RE NOT BARGING IN AT
ALL. CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?

UH, A CUP OF COFFEE,
OR A DRINK? OH, EITHER.

NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. WE'RE REALLY
JUST PERCHED HERE FOR A QUICK CHAT,

AND SO YOU TWO CAN MEET BRIEFLY.

I SEE YOU DON'T HAVE A PIANO.

WHENEVER PHYLLIS SEES A
PIANO, SHE ALWAYS MAKES ME PLAY.

I DON'T DO THAT.
YEAH, YOU DO DO THAT.

NO, MOTHER DID THAT. I DON'T
DO THAT. YOU DO THAT TOO.

WELL, IF I DO DO THAT, IT'S JUSTIFIED,
BECAUSE YOU'RE A WONDERFUL BROTHER.

MARY, SOMETIME
BEFORE BEN LEAVES,

YOU MUST COME DOWN AND
HEAR HIM PLAY SHOSTAKOVICH.

HE JUST PLAYED SOME
FOR ME, AND, MARY, I WEPT.

NOT AT SHOSTAKOVICH, OF COURSE,
WHO WAS REALLY KIND OF IRRITATING,

BUT AT THE SHEER GENIUS
OF MY BROTHER BEN.

BEN, WHY DON'T YOU
GO LOOK AT MARY'S VIEW?

OKAY.

MAY I LOOK AT YOUR VIEW? UH,
SURE. TAKE A LOOK AT THE VIEW.

ISN'T HE EVERYTHING
I SAID HE WAS?

HE CERTAINLY IS. WHEN
DID YOU GET A PIANO?

OH, UH, I RENTED IT, BUT I
DON'T WANT BEN TO KNOW.

JUST GO RIGHT ON OUT, BEN.

I JUST TREAT THE PIANO CASUALLY,

AS IF IT HAD ALWAYS BEEN THERE.

LARS, OF COURSE, KEEPS
BUMPING INTO IT AND CURSING.

IT'S NICE... THE VIEW.

YOU'RE A TV PRODUCER, SHE TELLS
ME. NO, I'M AN ASSOCIATE PRODUCER.

HEY, I LOVE TO BE SPONTANEOUS.

LET'S LARS AND I AND YOU TWO KIDS
GO OUT TO DINNER AND TO A CONCERT.

I MADE RESERVATIONS
AT THE BIT OF SCANDINAVIA,

AND I HAVE FOUR TICKETS
FOR THE SYMPHONY.

SPONTANEITY IS SO MUCH SIMPLER
WHEN IT'S ALL PLANNED OUT, ISN'T IT?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU
TWO SAY? MARY? BEN?

UH... WELL, PHYL, NOT TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I'M AFRAID THAT
OLD JET LAG IS GETTING TO ME.

I'M REALLY BEAT. I'D KIND OF
LIKE TO JUST TURN IN EARLY.

OH. WELL, OF COURSE, BEN.

IT WAS JUST THE MOST
FLEETING OF THOUGHTS.

AND-AND MARY'D PROBABLY JUST LIKE
TO RELAX AFTER A HARD DAY'S WORK.

I SAID IT WAS JUST THE
MOST FLEETING OF THOUGHTS.

I AM REALLY KIND OF TIRED.

WELL, MARY, I'M SO GLAD WE HAD
THIS LITTLE VISIT. GOOD-BYE, MARY.

GOOD-BYE. HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

THANK YOU. DON'T WORRY, MARY.
IT WAS JUST A FIRST IMPRESSION.

[Knocking] COME ON
IN, RHODA. IT'S OPEN.

DOES THAT GO FOR ME TOO?

OH, HI, BEN. YEAH,
SURE. COME ON IN.

SORRY TO BARGE
IN ON YOU LIKE THIS,

BUT I GOT TO THINKING, I MIGHT'VE
SEEMED A LITTLE ABRUPT A LITTLE WHILE AGO.

OH? WELL, YOU KNOW.

PHYLLIS HAS THIS WAY OF,
UH, MANIPULATING PEOPLE,

AND I GOT THE FEELING SHE WAS BACKING
YOU INTO A CORNER ON THE WHOLE THING.

I THINK SHE'S VERY
ANXIOUS TO HAVE US GO OUT.

NO, I THINK SHE'S VERY ANXIOUS
TO HAVE US GET MARRIED.

HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SALAD?

TERRIFIC. GOOD. I
ALWAYS MAKE TOO MUCH.

OH, PHYLLIS WOULD BE
SO PLEASED TO KNOW...

THAT YOU AND I ARE HAVING
DINNER TOGETHER AFTER ALL.

SOMEHOW, I THINK SHE'D
WANNA BE HERE, YOU KNOW?

TURNING ON THE MUSIC,
TURNING DOWN THE LIGHTS,

TURNING DOWN THE BED.

DID, UH, YOU AND PHYLLIS MEET EACH
OTHER IN COLLEGE? NO, NO, IT WAS AFTER.

OH. I THOUGHT YOU COULD'VE BEEN A
FRESHMAN WHEN SHE WAS A SENIOR.

HEY, ARE YOU TRYING TO
FIND OUT HOW OLD I AM?

I GUESS SO. I'M SORRY.

I HATE IT WHEN
PEOPLE DO THAT TO ME. I

MEAN, WHY DON'T THEY
COME RIGHT OUT AND ASK?

- EXACTLY. YOU WANNA KNOW
SOMETHING, JUST ASK IT.
- OKAY. HOW OLD ARE YOU?

I DON'T WANNA TELL YOU.

I'M 32. THANKS.

HAVE YOU ALSO NOTICED THAT IF
PEOPLE WANNA KNOW IF YOU'RE MARRIED,

THEY NEVER ASK
STRAIGHT OUT? OH, NO.

HI, KIDS. OH, I'M SORRY. I
DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A DATE. HI!

NO. COME ON IN. IT'S
ALL RIGHT. NOT A DATE.

RHODA MORGENSTERN, I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET BEN SUTHERLAND.

RHODA LIVES IN THE
APARTMENT UPSTAIRS.

HI. HIYA, BEN. WHY
DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

HE MARRIED?

WHAT? GEE. I'LL HAVE
TO REMEMBER THAT ONE.

OH, NO, IT'S JUST THAT BEN AND I WERE
TALKING ABOUT LIKING PEOPLE WHO ARE DIRECT.

OH. WELL, IN THAT CASE...

- UH, RHODA?
- WELL, I'M JUST...

WHY NOT SHOW THE MAN
HOW DIRECT A PERSON I CAN BE?

DID I TELL YOU THAT BEN
IS PHYLLIS'S BROTHER?

YOU'RE KIDDING.
PHYLLIS'S BEN? YEAH.

THAT'S FUNNY. PHYLLIS
NEVER MENTIONED YOU TO ME.

YEAH, FUNNY.

UM, SO WHAT DO YOU DO, BEN?

I'M A MUSICIAN. OH.

I PLAY THE PIANO, COMPOSE A
LITTLE. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN MUSIC?

NOT REALLY.

HEY, WHO'S FOR COFFEE?

HAVE YOU LIVED IN MINNEAPOLIS
LONG? OH, A FEW YEARS NOW.

BUT I'M REALLY FROM NEW
YORK. NO KIDDING? WHAT PART?

GUESS.

THE BRONX? WHY DOES MANHATTAN
NEVER OCCUR TO ANYONE?

THAT'S WHERE I
LIVE NOW. OH, YEAH?

- HOW COME YOU MOVED HERE?
- WHO KNOWS? I...

DID YOU EVER RUN OUT OF GAS
UNEXPECTEDLY AT A STRANGE CORNER,

AND YOU KIND OF SEE A STRANGE
STREETLAMP AND A STRANGE STREET SIGN...

AND YOU WONDER,
"HOW DID I END UP HERE?"

SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENED TO
ME ONCE TOO. I WAS ON A STALLED TRAIN.

AND NOBODY ON THE TRAIN EXPECTED TO BE
DELAYED. ANYWAY, I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW,

AND I SAW THIS REALLY OLD...

YOU KNOW, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU MEAN, RHODA. HOUSE IS WHAT IT WAS.

IT WAS AN OLD... HOUSE.

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT
INTERESTED IN MUSIC AT ALL?

OH, LISTEN, SOME
MUSIC INTERESTS ME.

- CLASSICAL MUSIC?
- NOW THAT REALLY DEPRESSES ME.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, I GUESS YOU
WOULDN'T WANNA GO TO A CONCERT WITH ME.

OH, WAIT. NOW I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

I'VE GONE THROUGH WORSE THAN
THAT FOR A DATE. MARY'LL VERIFY THAT.

BEN, THERE'S STILL THOSE TWO
TICKETS TO THE CONCERT TONIGHT.

- WELL, YES, BUT I...
- NO, WAIT. NO.

DON'T FEEL ANY OBLIGATION HERE. I REALLY
JUST THOUGHT THAT IF YOU WANTED TO...

RHODA, LOOK. I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE
TWO TICKETS TO A MOZART CONCERT TONIGHT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME ALONG
WITH ME AND, UH, GET DEPRESSED?

[Chuckles] WELL, UH,
CAN I GO LIKE THIS?

YOU LOOK FINE TO ME.
LOOK, WE CAN JUST MAKE IT.

YOU KNOW WHERE THE SYMPHONY'S
PLAYING? OF COURSE, BEN.

I'VE LIVED HERE FOR FOUR YEARS.

IT'S THE SAME PLACE WHERE
THE VIKINGS PLAY, RIGHT?

[Mutters]

[Knocking]

HI. HOW WAS THE CONCERT?

PHYLLIS?

PERHAPS IT WOULD BE BEST
TO TELL IT AS IT HAPPENED...

CHRONOLOGICALLY...
FROM MY POINT OF VIEW.

I AM STILL IN SHOCK.

LARS AND I WERE SITTING, ENJOYING ONE
OF MOZART'S MORE LIGHTHEARTED MOMENTS...

OF FLUTES, "THE COMING OF
SPRING" SOMETHING... I DON'T KNOW.

THERE WAS THIS
COMMOTION IN THE AISLE.

LATE ARRIVALS. BOORS, I THOUGHT.

I TURNED TO GIVE THEM A
GOOD GLARE. IT WAS BEN.

I WAS SO PLEASED.

HE AND MARY, I THOUGHT,
HAVE COME TO JOIN US.

- OH, WELL, NO...
- THEN I SAW IT WAS NOT MARY.

IT WAS... IT WAS... RHODA.

- RHODA.
- RIGHT.

WELL, THEN THEY SAT NEXT TO US.

I STRUGGLED TO
MAINTAIN MY POISE,

THOUGH MY SENSES WERE REELING.

I TRIED TO ENJOY THE CONCERT,

EVEN THOUGH SHE...

WAS SNAPPING HER
FINGERS TO MOZART.

WELL, I'M SORRY, PHYLLIS, BUT IT
JUST DOESN'T SOUND ALL THAT TRAGIC.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
A FLOOD OR ANYTHING.

MY BROTHER IS IN RHODA'S APARTMENT AT
THIS MOMENT SAYING GOOD NIGHT TO HER.

HE HAS BEEN DOING SO
FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

IF THAT ISN'T A FLOOD, WHAT IS?

PHYLLIS, PHYLLIS, PHYLLIS.

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT
COULD HAPPEN... THAT THEY FALL IN LOVE?

HEY, HAS HE CONVERTED
YOU TO CLASSICAL MUSIC YET?

HE'S CERTAINLY
TRYING. I NEVER KNEW...

I COULD HAVE SO MUCH FUN
BEING BORED OUT OF MY MIND.

- HEY, LISTEN, MAR, WILL YOU
KEEP STIRRIN' THAT SAUCE?
- RIGHT.

THANKS.

HI, SIS.

MARY, YOU'RE NOT
COOKING FOR THEM?

NO, NO. JUST STIRRING
OCCASIONALLY.

I THINK RHODA GOT IN OVER HER
HEAD WITH THIS GOURMET FEAST,

AND IT WOULDN'T ALL
FIT ON HER HOT PLATE.

THAT WOMAN HAS CAST
SOME SORT OF SPELL OVER BEN.

NO SPELL, PHYLLIS. IT'S JUST
THAT, IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

RHODA IS VERY ATTRACTIVE.

IS SHE?

IS SHE, MARY? IT MUST BE ON
SOME LEVEL THAT I CAN'T PERCEIVE,

LIKE ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT.

OR THAT WHISTLE THAT
ONLY DOGS CAN HEAR.

MARY, MY REASONING IS THIS.

IF I SAY ANYTHING TO BEN ABOUT
RHODA'S OBVIOUS SHORTCOMINGS,

THAT MAY BRING THEM
CLOSER TOGETHER.

THEREFORE, I REASON,
I SHALL BE PASSIVE,

EVEN KINDLY.

WELL, I'M GLAD TO HEAR
YOU SAY THAT, PHYLLIS.

CHICKEN AND MUSHROOM TIME.

RHODA, I WANT YOU TO KNOW, DEAR,

THAT I AM NOT SICK TO MY
STOMACH OVER YOU AND BEN.

PHYLLIS, THAT'S-THAT'S SWELL.

REALLY. WILL YOU
STOP SWEATING IT?

THINGS HAVEN'T
GONE THAT FAR... YET.

BEN PROBABLY HASN'T EVEN GOTTEN
PAST ADMIRING HER MYSTERIOUS HALF SMILE.

OH, YES, HE HAS.

OH, COME ON, PHYLLIS.
RHODA'S JUST KIDDING AROUND.

I DON'T HEAR ANY CHICKEN
AND MUSHROOMS UP THERE.

PHYLLIS, YOU'RE
NOT GOING UPSTAIRS?

NO. IT'S MUCH TOO
QUIET UP THERE.

PHYLLIS, IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL,
YOUR EAR WILL GET ALL WAFFLED.

HI, PHYLLIS.

MARY, I-I DON'T SMELL ANY GAS.

MARY ALWAYS THINKS SHE SMELLS
GAS FUMES COMING THROUGH THERE.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, DIPPY MARY.

RHODA FORGOT PLATES.

OH, HOW MADCAP OF HER.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY I
WAITED SO LONG TO VISIT MINNEAPOLIS.

I'M REALLY HAVING A
BALL. NO, YOU'RE NOT.

THANKS. I'LL BE LATE TONIGHT,
PHYL. DON'T WAIT UP FOR ME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
LONG I CAN KEEP IT UP...

KEEPING UP THIS HAPPY
EXTERIOR FOREVER.

PHYLLIS, WOULD YOU BE HAPPIER IF
BEN WERE HAVING A MISERABLE TIME?

OF COURSE.

MARY, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
DO WHAT YOU USUALLY DO.

YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURSELF ALL WORKED
UP, AND YOU'RE GONNA LET IT ALL OUT,

AND YOU'RE GONNA EMBARRASS
EVERYBODY CONCERNED.

- I DON'T DO THAT.
- YES, YOU DO DO THAT, PHYLLIS.

NO. MOTHER DID THAT.

PHYLLIS, I DON'T
KNOW YOUR MOTHER.

- SO YOU THINK I DO THAT?
- YES, I DO, PHYLLIS.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL,

BUT IT'S AMAZING HOW
WELL YOU KNOW MY MOTHER.

THANK YOU. MM-HMM.

HORS D'OEUVRE?

OH, MARY, YOU
HAVE SO MUCH TO DO.

LET ME DO THAT FOR YOU.
OH, THANKS, GEORGETTE.

HORS D'OEUVRE,
TED? THANKS, HONEY.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE
I CAN DO, JUST WHISTLE.

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

MURRAY, HOW ABOUT
SOMETHING TO EAT? OH, THANKS.

SAY, MARY, WHEN
DID YOU GET A PIANO?

OH, WELL, UH, IT'S FROM
PHYLLIS. SHE RENTED IT FOR ME.

YOU KNOW HOW SOME PEOPLE SEND
FLOWERS? PHYLLIS SENDS PIANOS.

I JUST LOVE TO STAND AROUND A
PIANO AND SING WHILE SOMEBODY PLAYS.

I CAN ONLY PLAY ONE
THING. PLEASE PLAY IT.

♪♪ ["Chopsticks"]

I DON'T KNOW THE
WORDS TO THAT ONE.

HELLO, MARY. HI, PHYLLIS.

I HOPE I DON'T SPOIL YOUR PARTY.

WHAT-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

ARE THEY HERE YET? NO.

PHYL, WHAT-WHAT DID YOU MEAN
YOU-YOU DON'T HOPE YOU SPOIL MY PARTY?

IT'S JUST THAT
WHEN I'M THIS UPSET...

PHYLLIS... LISTEN, PHYL, I ONLY HAVE
ABOUT ONE BIG PARTY A YEAR, YOU KNOW?

AND BECAUSE OF THE
EXPENSE AND EVERYTHING,

COULD YOU PICK ANOTHER NIGHT?

YOU'RE NOT ASKING ME TO CLOSE
THE DOOR ON MY EMOTIONS, ARE YOU?

CLOSE IT, PHYLLIS. LOCK IT.

BUT KEEP IT OUT OF
MY PARTY. PLEASE?

WHY DON'T YOU, UH,
GO TALK TO MR. GRANT?

SEE? RIGHT OVER THERE.

HEY, PHYLLIS. HOW YOU DOIN'?

I'M WORRIED SICK
ABOUT BEN AND RHODA.

WELL, UH-HUH. GEE.

MAYBE YOU'D BE A GOOD
PERSON TO TALK TO.

UH, NO, I-I DON'T THINK SO.

NO.

WHO'S BEN? UH, THAT'S
PHYLLIS'S BROTHER.

SHE'S WORRIED SICK
ABOUT HIM AND RHODA.

SHE WANTED TO TALK TO
ME ABOUT IT. I DON'T WANNA.

PHYLLIS, YOU KNOW, SOME YEARS,

I DON'T EVEN HAVE
A PARTY AT ALL.

THIS IS THE FIRST PARTY
IN A YEAR AND A HALF.

OH, MARY, IT'S OKAY.

I'M NOT ABOUT TO TELL MY PRIVATE
LIFE TO RELATIVE STRANGERS.

GOOD. GOOD.

I'M SO GLAD SHE'S
NOT SERVING POPCORN.

THOSE LITTLE HARD THINGS
GET CAUGHT IN MY TEETH.

SOMETIMES, YOU CAN'T
GET RID OF THEM FOR DAYS.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M HERE WITH TED. WHO
ARE YOU HERE WITH?

I AM ALONE...
WAITING TO SEE IF...

MY ONLY BROTHER IS
GOING TO BREAK MY HEART...

AND THROW AWAY EVERYTHING
HE'S STRUGGLED SO HARD FOR.

I HOPE HE DOESN'T DO THAT...

BREAK YOUR HEART AND THROW
AWAY EVERYTHING HE'S STRUGGLED FOR.

HI! THERE'S MAR! OH, BOY,
HAVE WE HAD A CRAZY DAY.

- RHODA.
- [Nervous Chuckle]

I GOT A FEELING WE'RE GONNA
HAVE A CRAZY NIGHT TOO.

I HAVE TO SPEAK TO YOU
IMMEDIATELY. IT'S VITAL.

THE REST OF YOU GO ON WITH
YOUR PARTY. IT'S IMPORTANT TO MARY.

RHODA?

ARE YOU GONNA MAKE ME
FACE HER ALONE? YOU BET.

OKAY, PHYL, WHAT'S UP?

RHODA, I WANT YOU TO TELL
ME THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOU AND BEN?

NOTHING, PHYL. WE'VE JUST BEEN
HAVING A LOT OF FUN TOGETHER.

NO, RHODA. I SAID YOU COULD BE
HONEST WITH ME. BE HONEST WITH ME.

I AM. I'M BEING PERFECTLY
HONEST WITH YOU.

HE'S GOING BACK TO NEW YORK
TOMORROW. I FIGURED, THAT'S IT.

NO, NO. YOU'RE JUST TELLING
ME WHAT YOU THINK I WANNA HEAR.

I REALLY WANT THE TRUTH. I
AM. I'M GIVING YOU THE TRUTH.

THE TRUTH. I WANT THE TRUTH! I'M
BEING TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOU.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT,
PHYLLIS. WE GOT ENGAGED

10 MINUTES AGO. WE'RE
GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.

OKAY? I SEE.

YOU SEE? THANK YOU FOR
BEING HONEST WITH ME.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

♪♪ [Piano: Dissonant]

ALL RIGHT. ATTENTION,
EVERYBODY. GATHER AROUND.

LET'S SEE IF WE CAN PICK THIS
PARTY UP AND GET IT ROLLING.

WELL, THERE'S THIS BRAND-NEW
GAME I JUST HEARD OF THE OTHER DAY.

- TED, I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT...
- MARY, YOUR PARTY'S DYING.

IT'S CALLED 20 QUESTIONS.

NOW, THE RULES ARE THESE:

I THINK OF SOMETHING, AND THEN YOU
HAVE TO IN 20 QUESTIONS GUESS WHAT IT IS.

NOW IT CAN BE ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE
WORLD. ANIMAL, VEGETABLE, ROCKS.

SOUNDS LIKE FUN, DOESN'T IT?

[Sobbing]

REALLY, IT'S, UH...
IT'S A NICE GAME.

WELL, AT LEAST GIVE IT A TRY.

UH, I, UH... I HAVE
TO SHOVE OFF.

I REALLY HAD A TERRIFIC
TIME, MARY. OH, THANKS.

YEAH, I'LL GO WITH YOU, LOU. I DON'T
WANNA MISS MY KID'S FIRST SLUMBER PARTY.

SEE YA AT WORK MONDAY, MARY.
GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, MARY.

I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME
TONIGHT. WE'D BETTER GO TOO.

I THINK YOUR
FRIEND IS UPSET. OH?

I'M GONNA GO DOWNSTAIRS
AND MAKE PHYLLIS...

THE BIGGEST SLOE GIN FIZZ
SHE EVER SAW IN HER LIFE.

- I'LL HELP YOU.
- TED?

THE ANSWER WAS THE
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. I WIN.

GOOD NIGHT, TED.
GOOD NIGHT, RHODA.

PHYLLIS, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, I-I
CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK ME SERIOUSLY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

PHYLLIS, BEN AND I AREN'T
GETTING MARRIED. HE'S NOT MY TYPE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
HE'S NOT YOUR TYPE?

HE'S WITTY. HE'S ATTRACTIVE.

HE'S SUCCESSFUL. HE'S SINGLE.

HE'S GAY.

HE-HE-HE'S WHAT?

HE'S GAY. I THOUGHT
SURE YOU KNEW, PHYL.

WE'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED.

OH, RHODA, I'M SO RELIEVED!

♪♪ [Piano]

SO, MAR, IT WAS A PRETTY
GOOD PARTY. OH, YEAH.

A PARTY DOESN'T HAVE TO LAST
MORE THAN AN HOUR TO BE GOOD.

COME ON, RHODA, WILL YA?

OH, BEN, YOU'RE PLAYING.

PLAY SOMETHING
FOR ME. ♪♪ [Stops]

OKAY. WHAT DO YOU WANNA HEAR?

MY DOG FOOD
COMMERCIAL OR MOZART?

PLAY WHATEVER YOU
FEEL. ♪♪ [Classical]

I LOVE MOZART.

NO, PHYLLIS, THIS IS MY
DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL.

[Mews]