Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 2, Episode 9 - And Now, Sitting in for Ted Baxter - full transcript

Mary learns that the station is in violation of Ted's contract since he has not taken a vacation in the four years he's worked there. Mary later learns that it really is Ted who is the one who evades even mention of taking a vacation, he who will use whatever sly trick available to his disposal in not taking one. In speaking directly to Ted, Mary can tell that Ted is afraid that whoever his replacement will be will take over his job permanently. Mary forces him to take a vacation, which Ted reluctantly decides to take in Acapulco. Ted's worst nightmare comes true when he sees that his replacement, Rod Porter, is a good looking, eloquent man, who really is aiming his sights on a full time anchor job. Rod ends up being a great addition to the team, as the newscast quickly catapults to number 2 in the ratings which buoys Lou. Mary feels guilty for making Ted take his vacation as although she realizes that Ted is not the most proficient anchor and is the primary reason for the newscast's previous low ratings, she has a certain affection for him. Ted, who they later learn has not gone away to Acapulco but has remained in Minneapolis, is aware by Rod's performance that his job is on the line. Mary, Ted and another surprise supporter of Ted's pray for a miracle that Lou won't offer Rod a permanent job as anchor.

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♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT, YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

HAVE YOU SEEN THE
LATEST RATINGS? UH, NO.

WE JUST MOVED INTO THE TOP
TEN. HEY, THAT'S WONDERFUL!



IN OUR TIME PERIOD.

OH. WELL, OF COURSE,
YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID...

THAT A NEWS SHOW SHOULDN'T
BE GOVERNED BY RATINGS.

AND I'LL KEEP SAYING THAT UNTIL I CAN
FIGURE OUT WHY WE'RE ALWAYS ON THE BOTTOM.

- SPEAKING OF TED...
- I DIDN'T MENTION TED.

YOU DIDN'T? ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

I WONDER WHY I THOUGHT YOU DID.

WELL, ANYWAY, NOW THAT
WE ARE SPEAKING OF TED,

I HAVE JUST BEEN GOING OVER
THE UNION VACATION RECORDS,

AND I DISCOVERED THAT IT'S BEEN QUITE
SOME TIME SINCE TED TOOK A VACATION.

WELL, SOMETIMES THINGS SLIDE BY.

UH, FOUR YEARS. ISN'T THAT
AS LONG AS HE'S WORKED HERE?

YEAH. ONLY FOUR
YEARS. SEEMS LONGER.

WELL, MR. GRANT, THE POINT IS...



WE ARE IN VIOLATION
OF HIS UNION CONTRACT...

IF HE DOESN'T GET AT LEAST
TWO WEEKS OFF EVERY YEAR.

HIS CONTRACT CALLS
FOR HIM TO BE A NEWSMAN.

HE'S IN VIOLATION EVERY
TIME HE OPENS HIS MOUTH.

WELL, SHOULDN'T SOMEBODY TALK
TO HIM ABOUT TAKING A VACATION?

YEAH. LET ME KNOW
HOW IT TURNS OUT.

WANT INTO MY FOOTBALL POOL,
MUR? THE RAMS-VIKINGS GAME.

ONLY A DOLLAR A SQUARE, AND
THE WINNER GETS 50 BIG ONES.

BUT THAT'S A HUNDRED SQUARES. SHOULDN'T
THE WINNER GET A HUNDRED BIG ONES?

WELL, THE GUY WHO'S RUNNING THE POOL SHOULD
GET A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR HIS EFFORT.

I'LL PASS.

OH, SAY, MAR, I GOT A LITTLE POOL ARENA
GOING HERE. YOU WANNA GET IN ON IT?

OH, WELL, NO, THANKS, TED.
I NEVER WIN THOSE THINGS.

UH, TED, DO YOU
HAVE A MINUTE? SURE.

I WAS JUST GOING
OVER SOME RECORDS...

AND DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH
VACATION TIME YOU HAVE COMING?

WANT A CUP OF COFFEE, MAR?
UH, WELL, NO, THANKS, TED.

I THINK I'LL HAVE SOME. TED,
DID YOU JUST HEAR WHAT I SAID?

SURE. YOU SAID, "NO, THANKS."

NO. I MEANT BEFORE
THAT. OH, YEAH. SURE.

WELL, MAR, IF YOU DON'T WANT INTO MY
POOL, WHY, UH, I'M NOT GONNA FORCE YOU.

WELL... SAY, MIKE, LAST ONE
IN THE POOL IS A ROTTEN EGG.

TED, YOU, UH, UH...

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH HIM?

UH, MR. GRANT, COULD I
SEE YOU FOR A MINUTE?

YOU COULDN'T NAIL HIM, RIGHT?
YEAH. HOW DID YOU KNOW?

FIGURE IT OUT. IF YOU
WERE TED BAXTER...

AND DID THE NEWS THE WAY
HE DOES, WOULD YOU LEAVE?

BELIEVE ME, NOBODY NEEDS
TED'S VACATION MORE THAN I DO.

YEAH, UH, WE COULD
ALL USE TED'S VACATION.

LAST YEAR, HE WAS ALL SET TO GO.

BUT AT THE LAST MINUTE, HE
GOT SICK AND CAME BACK TO WORK.

TWO YEARS AGO, AS A LITTLE HINT,

WE GAVE HIM A GOING-AWAY PARTY.

HE WAS SO TOUCHED, HE SAID
HE COULDN'T BEAR TO GO AWAY.

MR. GRANT, I THINK I MIGHT
HAVE A SOLUTION HERE. WHAT?

WHY DON'T I PUT
ON HIS CUE CARDS,

"THIS IS TED BAXTER SAYING
I'LL SEE YOU IN TWO WEEKS...

WHEN I RETURN FROM MY VACATION"?

THAT'S FUNNY.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

- MAYBE WE OUGHTA TRY IT.
- I DID. IT DIDN'T WORK.

TED?

TED, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.

I CAN'T COME TO
THE DOOR RIGHT NOW.

WHY NOT?

I'M NAKED.

TED, YOU ARE NOT NAKED.

WELL, I WILL BE IN A MINUTE.

TED, COME ON. I'VE GOTTA TALK TO
YOU. WON'T YOU PLEASE LET ME IN?

OH... ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

WELL, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE
EVER BEEN IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME ANYBODY'S
BEEN IN MY DRESSING ROOM.

DON'T TELL ANYBODY
WHAT IT'S LIKE. WHY NOT?

WELL, IF THEY FIND OUT
HOW MAGNIFICENT IT IS,

THEY MIGHT WANT TO
TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME.

WELL, TED, I DON'T THINK
THEY'D WANT TO DO THAT.

OH, NO? THEN WHY
IS IT ON WHEELS?

HEY, IS THIS A PICTURE OF YOU
WITH NIKITA KRUSHCHEV? YEAH.

WELL... OH, DON'T TOUCH THAT!

YOU PASTED YOUR FACE
ON SOMEBODY ELSE'S BODY?

CAN I HAVE MY HEAD BACK, PLEASE?

SORRY.

"TO TED BAXTER, A GREAT NEWSMAN.

YOUR PAL, WALTER CRONKITE."

ISN'T THAT FUNNY?
HIS HANDWRITING...

LOOKS A LOT LIKE MINE.
EVERYBODY SAYS THAT.

HEY, YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE
VIDEOTAPE SETUPS. TERRIFIC!

YES. I USE IT EVERY
NIGHT WHILE I'M ON THE AIR.

OH, SO YOU TAPE THE OTHER NEWS SHOWS
SO YOU CAN SEE HOW THEY'RE DOING, HUH?

NO, I TAPE MY SHOW SO I
CAN SEE HOW I'M DOING.

- WELL, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- FINE, THANK YOU.

I ONLY KEEP THE
ONES I LIKE THE BEST.

SO FAR, I...

I'VE GOT ALL OF THEM.

TED, THE REASON... THIS IS ONE
OF MY FAVORITES. FEBRUARY 14.

AND THERE CAN BE LITTLE
DOUBT THAT HUBERT HUMPHREY...

WILL EVENTUALLY THROW HIS
HAT IN THE POLITICAL RING AGAIN.

IN THE PENNSYLVANIA
PRIMARY IN PITTSBURGH,

THE PRESIDENT,
REPORTING PARTY POLICIES,

PROMISED THE PUBLIC
PEACE AND PROSPERITY...

AND POINTED WITH PRIDE TO THE
PAST THREE AND A HALF YEARS.

PRETTY GOOD.

- WANT TO HEAR IT AGAIN?
- UH, TED...

YOU HAVE GOT TO TAKE A VACATION.

WHY? I'M NOT TIRED. DO I LOOK
TIRED? I DON'T NEED ANY REST.

WELL, TED, WHETHER YOU
NEED THE REST OR NOT,

YOUR UNION CONTRACT SAYS THAT YOU'VE GOT
TO TAKE A VACATION EVERY YEAR, WITH PAY.

WHAT KIND OF A UNION MAKES
YOU TAKE VACATION WITH PAY?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL
THEM I ALREADY TOOK ONE?

WELL, I CAN'T DO THAT. I ALREADY
SENT IN THE REPORT SAYING YOU HAVEN'T.

WHY IS THE UNION WASTING
ITS TIME ON THESE THINGS?

THEY SHOULD BE DOING
MORE IMPORTANT THINGS.

YOU KNOW HOW LONG THESE
BULBS HAVE BEEN BURNED OUT?

EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE.

TED, UH, COULD YOU
USE, UH, A LITTLE REST?

I'LL REST SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS.
IT'S THE SAME AS A VACATION.

LOOK, UM, I'M AFRAID
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO.

MARY, WHY ARE YOU
DOING THIS TO ME?

OH, TED!

MAYBE YOU COULD REPLAY
SOME OF MY TAPES WHILE I'M GONE.

THE NEWS HASN'T
CHANGED THAT MUCH.

NO, HUH? WHEN WILL I HAVE TO GO?

WELL, JUST AS SOON AS WE CAN
FIND SOMEONE TO TAKE YOUR PLA-ACE.

- I'M NOT GOING.
- TED, THAT WAS AN UNFORTUNATE
CHOICE OF WORDS.

UH, NO, JUST AS SOON AS
WE CAN FIND A REPLACE...

AS-AS SOON AS WE
FIND A SUBSTI... UM...

SOMEONE WHO WILL DO THE NEWS FOR
YOU WHILE YOU'RE GONE... NOT TOO WELL...

WHO WILL, UH, DISAPPEAR
THE MOMENT YOU GET BACK.

SOUNDS LIKE THE
PERFECT CHOICE. OKAY.

GOOD.

HEY, TED, EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE FINE.

OHHH.

HOW ARE THE INTERVIEWS
GOING? WELL, NOT SO GOOD.

MR. GRANT, I'LL LOOK
FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU.

I'VE HAD PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE IN
RADIO, AND I'D LOVE TO SWITCH OVER TO TV.

- SOUNDS LIKE HE FOUND HIS MAN.
- DON'T MAKE ANY BETS.

YOU HAVE MY TELEPHONE
NUMBER, HAVEN'T YOU?

YES, I HAVE. SO LONG FOR NOW.

UH, MISS HAAS, YOU
CAN GO RIGHT IN.

THAT'S AN ANCHORMAN?

WHY NOT? THERE ARE PLENTY
OF WOMEN NEWSCASTERS?

LOU'S NOT GONNA HIRE ANY
WOMAN. IF SHE'S RIGHT, HE WILL.

MR. GRANT IS VERY
FAIR AND OPEN-MINDED.

- YOU WERE SAYING?
- GEE, I WONDER WHY HE HIRED ME.

DIDN'T YOU KNOW? YOU'RE
OUR TOKEN WOMAN. OH.

EXCUSE ME. IS THIS
WHERE I FIND LOU GRANT?

HE'S ALREADY ONE UP ON TED. HE'S
WALKING AND TALKING AT THE SAME TIME.

YES, SIR. CAN I HELP YOU?

YES. I'M ROD PORTER. I HAVE AN
APPOINTMENT FOR THE ANCHORMAN JOB.

UH, THE SUBSTITUTE
ANCHORMAN JOB.

- IS THE JOB STILL OPEN?
- THE JOB HAS BEEN OPEN
EVER SINCE TED TOOK IT.

YOU CAN GO RIGHT IN, MR. PORTER.

DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT
ANYBODY LIKES JOB INTERVIEWS?

WOW, WALKING, TALKING AND
OPENING A DOOR AT THE SAME TIME.

SAY, MAR? UH, YES, TED?

IS LOU STILL LOOKING FOR
THE GUY... TO TAKE MY PLACE?

UH, YEAH, HE IS.

I WAS THINKING CHUCKLES THE
CLOWN MIGHT BE A GOOD CHOICE.

I MEAN, HE'S A NICE-LOOKING FELLOW
WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HIS FUNNY NOSE.

NOT A BAD IDEA, TED. ONE
CLOWN TO REPLACE ANOTHER.

UH, SO, TELL US, TED. WHERE ARE
YOU GOING ON YOUR VACATION?

I MAY JET UP TO ACAPULCO.

UP?

I MIGHT AS WELL INTRODUCE YOU
TO EVERYBODY NOW. ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS MARY RICHARDS, OUR
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER. ROD PORTER.

OH, THE LAST ASSOCIATE
PRODUCER I HAD WAS ME.

IT WAS A PRETTY SMALL STATION.
BUT I'M NOT AFTER YOUR JOB.

OH, WELL, THAT'S NICE.

AND, UH... EXCUSE ME, TED.

MURRAY SLAUGHTER, ONE OF OUR
NEWS WRITERS. NICE TO MEET YOU, ROD.

WOW. I HAD TO WRITE MY OWN COPY
TOO. BUT I'M NOT AFTER YOUR JOB, EITHER.

AND HAVE YOU MET TED
BAXTER, OUR ANCHORMAN?

HI. I'M AFTER YOUR JOB.

I, UH, I HOPE I CAN KEEP
YOUR AUDIENCE HAPPY.

WHAT AUDIENCE? MARY, YOU
WANT TO SHOW ROD AROUND?

WELL, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE
THE STUDIO FIRST? YES, I WOULD.

AND I'D LIKE TO MEET THE
DIRECTOR AND THE CREW.

I REALLY THINK IT'S GOOD FOR ME TO
KNOW THEM AND THEM TO KNOW ME.

I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.
I'LL INTRODUCE YOU TO THE DIRECTOR.

WHAT'S THE DIRECTOR'S
NAME, ANYWAY?

I'LL GO WITH YOU. IT'LL GIVE ME A
CHANCE TO STUDY YOUR SPEECH.

THANKS, MURRAY. THE
STUDIO'S RIGHT THIS WAY.

I JUST KNOW YOU'RE GONNA
LOVE IT HERE. I LOVE IT ALREADY.

GREAT. I'M SURE YOU'D
FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT IT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO ON
AHEAD? I'LL... BE RIGHT THERE.

OKAY, WHO IS HE?

HI.

CUT THE SMALL TALK,
MARY. I WANT TO KNOW WHO

HE IS AND WHY YOU'VE
BEEN KEEPING HIM FROM ME.

- WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- TONIGHT I CAME HOME, AS USUAL,

TURNED ON THE
6:00 NEWS, AS USUAL,

AND THEN I DID WHAT I USUALLY
DO WHILE I WATCH THE 6:00 NEWS.

I TOOK A SHOWER.

YOU TAKE A SHOWER WHILE
YOU WATCH THE NEWS?

NO, NOT ALWAYS. SOMETIMES I
VACUUM. SOMETIMES I GO TO THE STORE.

THAT'S THE BEST THING
ABOUT THAT TED BAXTER.

YOU CAN DO ALL THAT STUFF AND NOT
FEEL LIKE YOU'RE MISSING ANYTHING.

- RHODA, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR.
- I RAN OUT OF HOT WATER,

AND WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER,
THERE DOING THE NEWS IS THIS MOVIE STAR.

YEAH, THAT'S ROD PORTER.

BOY, IS HE EVER.

SO, WILL YOU TELL ME ABOUT HIM?

WELL, HE'S FILLING IN FOR TED
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. YEAH.

AT LEAST I HOPE IT'S
JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

WHY? IS HE HARD TO GET ALONG
WITH? NO. HE'S VERY, VERY NICE.

- IS HE VERY, VERY MARRIED?
- VERY, VERY.

HMM. WELL, SO IS EVERYBODY.
BUT HE'S STILL TERRIFIC.

YEAH. I KNOW.

SO WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAR?

WELL, THE RATINGS
ARE UP, FOR ONE THING.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S
REALLY TERRIBLE.

WHAT ELSE BAD HAPPENED
TODAY? DID YOU GET A RAISE?

RHODA, IT'S JUST THAT
I FEEL SORRY FOR TED.

I MEAN, THAT POOR MAN IS ON A VACATION
IN ACAPULCO THAT MIGHT NEVER END.

OH, I SEE. YEAH.

WELL, LOOK, MAR, IT'S NOT YOUR
FAULT. YOU DIDN'T MAKE ROD GOOD.

NO, BUT I MADE TED GO.

POOR MAN DIDN'T WANT TO
TAKE HIS VACATION, EITHER.

HE WAS AFRAID SOMETHING LIKE THIS
WOULD HAPPEN, AND HE WAS RIGHT.

IT'S HAPPENED.

MMM. HMM.

DO YOU THINK ROD
IS HAPPILY MARRIED?

I'M JUST ASKING.

LISTEN TO THIS ONE. "PLEASE
SEND ME A PICTURE OF ROD PORTER...

SO I CAN PRESS IT
UNDER MY PILLOW." HMM.

"HE MAKES EVEN BAD
NEWS ENJOYABLE."

TED'S BEEN WAITING HIS WHOLE
CAREER FOR A LETTER LIKE THAT.

OH, IT'S AMAZING. EVERYBODY
SEEMS TO LIKE THE GUY. YEAH.

I KEEP THINKING I'M GONNA WAKE UP IN A
COLD SWEAT AND FIND OUT IT'S ALL A DREAM.

HEY, HERE'S ONE
THAT DOESN'T LIKE HIM.

"ROD PORTER ISN'T AS
SWELL AS YOUR REGULAR GUY.

PLEASE BRING BACK
TED BAXTER RIGHT AWAY."

WELL, YOU GOTTA EXPECT
SOME DUMB CRANK LETTERS.

MARY, IF YOU NEED ME FOR ANYTHING,
YOU CAN CALL ME AT THE MOBILE UNIT.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU COVERING? NOTHING.
I'M JUST DRIVING HOME FOR LUNCH.

OH. MY WIFE TOOK MY CAR TODAY.

HEY, HERE'S A CARD FROM TED.

"BUENOS DIAS, GUYS.
ACAPULCO IS TERRíFICO.

"WISH YOU WERE
HERE AND I WAS THERE.

"HOW IS THE NEW GUY DOING?

I WANTED TO WATCH THE SHOW, BUT
THEY DON'T PICK IT UP DOWN HERE."

HE'S GOT A TERRIFIC SENSE
OF HUMOR, DOESN'T HE?

NO, HE DOESN'T.

GEE, WOULDN'T YOU THINK HE
COULD'VE SENT US A PICTURE POSTCARD?

WELL, THEY PROBABLY
COST TWO CENTAVOS MORE.

HEY, MURRAY. HMM?

THIS CARD IS POSTMARKED
MINNEAPOLIS. WHAT?

HE NEVER WENT AWAY AT ALL.
HE KNOWS WHAT A HIT ROD IS.

OH, THAT POOR GUY.

HE WROTE THIS DUMB
CRANK LETTER TOO.

OH, MURRAY, I FEEL SO GUILTY.

HI, MR. GRANT. HI.

IS, UH, SOMETHING WRONG?

NO. NO.

I'M JUST ENJOYING LOOKING
AT PART OF MINNEAPOLIS'...

NUMBER TWO NEWS TEAM.

ACCORDING TO THE LATEST
RATINGS, WE'RE NUMBER TWO!

LOOK, DON'T FEEL SO BAD.
WE'LL BE NUMBER ONE SOON.

- WE GOT A CARD FROM TED.
- WHO?

- TED.
- OH, BAXTER.

YEAH. YEAH. WE
ALWAYS USED TO KID HIM,

BUT UNDERNEATH ALL THAT POMPOUS
STUFF, HE WASN'T REALLY A BAD GUY.

UH, WASN'T?

YEAH. IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY.

WH-WHAT ISN'T GONNA BE EASY?

MARY, YOU'RE
TALKING TO SOMEONE...

WHO'S GONE THROUGH HIS ENTIRE
TELEVISION CAREER AS AN ACK-ACK GUNNER.

I WAS ALWAYS DOWN
THERE AT THE BOTTOM,

FIRING UP AT THE BIG GUYS
WHILE THEY DROP BOMBS ON ME.

I ENJOY BEING THE ONE
DROPPING THE BOMBS.

THE ONLY THING I
HAVE TO CONSIDER IS...

IF MY MARGINAL
AFFECTION FOR TED...

OUTWEIGHS MY TREMENDOUS
DESIRE TO BE RICH AND HAPPY.

UH, NEWSROOM. JUST
A MOMENT, PLEASE.

IT'S FOR YOU, MR. GRANT.
THE GENERAL MANAGER.

PROBABLY CALLING
TO CONGRATULATE US.

OH, MURRAY, DO YOU THINK TED HAS
ANY CHANCE AT ALL OF KEEPING HIS JOB?

LET ME PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY.

IF TED WERE HERE, HE
COULD START UP A POOL...

ON HOW MANY MINUTES HE HAS LEFT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I SUDDENLY
HAVE A TERRIFIC CRAVING FOR? HMM?

A PIZZA. WHY DON'T
YOU SEND OUT FOR ONE?

NAH. BY THE TIME IT GETS HERE,
THE CRAVING WILL BE GONE...

AND I'LL END UP EATING IT ANYWAY
EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT IT.

OH. WELL, THEN YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

HMM? DON'T SEND OUT FOR ONE.

BUT I HAVE THIS TERRIFIC
CRAVING FOR ONE. MAYBE TWO.

HEY, YOU THINK THAT
COULD BE MY PIZZA?

WHO IS IT?

ME. WHO'S ME?

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ME SO SOON?

WELL, TED. HI, MARY. HI.

COME ON IN. I THOUGHT YOU
WERE STILL IN, UH, ACAPULCO.

WELL, I JETTED BACK A FEW DAYS EARLY. I
GOT HOMESICK FOR THE OLD HOMETOWN.

OH. I JUST THOUGHT I'D
TAKE A LITTLE WALK TONIGHT.

WELL, GEE, YOUR PLACE HAS
TO BE TEN MILES FROM HERE.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I ONLY WALKED
TO THE CAR, THEN I DROVE OVER.

THEN I WALKED UP HERE. OH.

WELL, COME ON IN. I THOUGHT I'D
TAKE A CHANCE AND CATCH YOU ALONE.

I SEE I HAVE. THANKS, TED.

SO, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

MARY, I HAVEN'T
SLEPT IN THREE NIGHTS.

OH. WHAT'S WRONG?

WELL, I'VE BEEN SLEEPING
SO MUCH DURING THE DAY.

SO, HOW IS EVERYTHING
AT THE OLD NEWSROOM?

OH, UH, JUST FINE.

HOW'S THIS NEW KID DOING
THAT'S BEEN FILLING IN FOR ME?

- WHAT'S HIS NAME? POTTER?
- PORTER. ROD PORTER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIS WORK?

OH, I THINK HE'S
REALLY... ADEQUATE.

OH, YEAH. EXTREMELY ADEQUATE.

- YOU WERE GOING TO SAY
GOOD, WEREN'T YOU?
- NO, NO. HONEST.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
WAS GONNA SAY GREAT.

BUT I CHANGED MY MIND. NO.

GRE-GRE-GRE... YOU MEAN,
YOU THINK HE'S THAT GOO-GOO...

UH, GOO-GOOD? UH, YEAH.

HE IS, UH, GOOD, YOU KNOW.

BUT NOT OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD
F-F-FANTASTIC. JUST, UH...

- GOO-GOO-GOO...
- GOOD, YEAH.

BUT, TED, SO ARE YOU GOOD.

WELL, I KNOW I'M GOOD.

BUT SHE SAID HE'S GRE-GRE-GRE...

GREAT. GREAT. YEAH.

MARY, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I JUST CAN'T GO BACK
TO RHODE ISLAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHAKESPEARE
SAID. "YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME AGAIN."

THAT WAS THOMAS WOLF. ALMOST.

I ALWAYS GET THOSE TWO MIXED UP.

HEY, TED, I'M SURE EVERYTHING
WILL BE ALL RIGHT. I MEAN...

I DON'T WANT ANY PEP TALKS,
MARY. I WANT YOUR PITY.

OH, TED, COME ON.
YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.

- YES, I DO.
- TED, RHODA IS HERE.

I'LL TAKE HER PITY
TOO. I'M DESPERATE.

MARY, IF I LOSE THIS
JOB, I'M FINISHED.

I'VE JUST GOT TO STAY.

I'LL DO ANYTHING. STATION
BREAKS, SIGN-OFFS.

THIS IS WJM TV SERVING
MINNEAPOLIS, ST. PAUL.

- VERY GOOD.
- AND I WAS ONLY AD-LIBBING.

MARY, YOU'VE GOT TO TRY TO
CONVINCE LOU TO KEEP ME ON.

YEAH, MARY, YOU
GOTTA TRY. WELL, SURE.

TED, I'LL DO WHAT I CAN, BUT I REALLY
THINK YOU'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.

THANK YOU, MAR. THANK YOU. I DON'T KNOW
HOW I'LL BE ABLE TO THANK YOU ENOUGH.

TED, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO
HOME AND GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP?

HEY, LISTEN, JUST LET
MARY HANDLE IT. OKAY.

THANK YOU, MAR. GOOD NIGHT, TED.

OF COURSE, TELL LOU I'LL HAVE TO
GET THE SAME MONEY I'M GETTING NOW.

GOOD MORNING,
MURRAY. GOOD MORNING.

MR. GRANT NOTICE THAT I'M LATE?

NO. HE'S BEEN IN THERE
WITH ROD FOR HALF AN HOUR.

OH, NO. ALREADY? YEP.

I WANTED TO PUT IN A
GOOD WORD FOR TED.

IT WOULDN'T DO ANY GOOD.
I ALREADY DID. YOU DID?

YOU KNOW, TED THATCHES MY
COPY, HE'S INCREDIBLY CHEAP...

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT BUGS
ME THE MOST ABOUT HIM?

WHAT? I LIKE HIM.

YEAH, ME TOO. IS HE HERE
YET? NO, HE'S OUTSIDE.

WHEN I GOT TO WORK, I SAW
HIM JUST SITTING IN HIS CAR,

STARING STRAIGHT AHEAD AT
HIS NAME ON HIS PARKING PLACE.

OH. I WISH ROD WOULD
DO SOMETHING ROTTEN.

YEAH. HE'S REALLY A
WONDERFUL GUY. I DON'T LIKE HIM.

WELL, WOULD YOU LOOK WHO'S HERE!

HI, GUYS. HEY, TED, HOW ARE YA?

HEY, HOW WAS ACAPULCO?
THAT'S SOME TAN YOU GOT THERE.

WELL, I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU
GUYS. I NEVER WENT TO ACAPULCO.

WELL, WHERE DID YOU GET THE TAN?

WELL, I USED SOME OF THAT STUFF.

- WE MISSED YOU.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY THAT.

SHE'S NOT JUST SAYING
THAT. WE REALLY MISSED YOU.

YOU'RE ONLY SAYING THAT
TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD.

TED, WE'RE SAYING
THAT BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.

I MISSED YOU GUYS TOO.

WELL, IT'S THE SAME
OLD NEWSROOM.

SAME OLD MAR, SAME OLD
MUR. IS THE SAME OLD LOU IN?

UH, WELL, YEAH, BUT THERE'S
SOMEBODY IN THERE WITH HIM RIGHT NOW.

- POTTER, RIGHT?
- UH, PORTER.

THOUGHT SO. WELL, IT
WAS GREAT WHILE IT LASTED.

HI, TED. HIYA, LOU.

DON'T EVERYBODY LOOK SO HAPPY.

- TED, HOW WAS YOUR VACATION?
- TERRIFIC.

THAT'S GOOD. IT WAS
GREAT FOR ME TOO.

REPLACING YOU WAS THE
BIGGEST BREAK I EVER HAD.

I'M AWARE OF THAT. BUT IT
WAS ALL FAIR AND SQUARE.

THE BEST MAN WON. THIS IS THE
GREATEST PLACE I EVER WORKED.

LOU HERE YELLED AT ME A LOT,
BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE HE CARES.

MURRAY, WELL, HE'S
REALLY A FINE NEWS WRITER.

AND MARY... MARY'S
THE BEST THERE IS.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE. I JUST HOPE THE
PEOPLE AT MY NEW JOB ARE HALF AS GOOD

GOO-GOO-GOO...

- YEAH, AT THE NETWORK.
- THE NE-NE-NE...

THE NETWORK. THE NETWORK?

SOMEBODY FROM THE NETWORK SPOTTED
ME SUBBING FOR YOU AND OFFERED ME A JOB.

- I'M LEAVING
FOR NEW YORK NEXT WEEK.
- WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU. OH, I'M SO
HAPPY FOR EVERYBODY.

YEAH, NEW YORK'S GAIN IS
MINNEAPOLIS' LOSS. THANKS, MUR.

IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.

DOES THAT STILL MEAN
I'M THE, UH, ANCHORMAN?

- YES, TED.
- EXCUSE ME A MINUTE.

WELL, ISN'T THIS JUST GREAT. IT'S TERRIFIC,
ROD. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE NEW YORK.

I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE. YA-HOO!

I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU
ENJOY YOUR STAY IN NEW YORK.

LOOK AT THESE. IF
THEY GET ANY LOWER,

WE'LL BE THE ONLY STATION IN
AMERICA WITH AN UNLISTED RATING.

WELL, IT WAS NICE
WHILE IT LASTED.

BUT I'M GLAD TED'S BACK, ANYWAY.

I THINK HE'S GLAD TOO.

MUR, I WANT A TWO-MINUTE
PERSONAL EDITORIAL ON AUTO SAFETY.

FOR OR AGAINST, TED?
WHATEVER YOU THINK IS RIGHT.

AS LONG AS I HAVE IT BY TONIGHT.

MAR, THOSE LIGHT BULBS ARE
STILL OUT IN MY DRESSING ROOM.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING ON
YOUR NEXT VACATION, TED?

NEVER. I'M NEVER GOING
ON A VACATION AGAIN.

I FIGURE THAT'S THE WORST
BREAK THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

- HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?
- WELL, IF I'D HAVE BEEN HERE,

THAT NETWORK GUY WOULD'VE SEEN ME AND I'D
BE THE ONE IN NEW YORK INSTEAD OF POTTER.

COAST TO COAST.
NATIONAL FAN CLUB.

MY PICTURE ON THE COVER
OF ALL THOSE NEWS MAGAZINES.

WHAT A LOUSY BREAK.