Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 2, Episode 19 - More Than Neighbors - full transcript

Mary learns directly from her downstairs neighbor Barbara that she is moving, which means Barbara's spacious one-bedroom apartment will be available for rent. Mary would love to move into it, but can't afford the rent, which is almost double her current rent. Mary and Rhoda briefly flirt with the idea of living there together, but decide that that would probably not be the best idea. But that idea is more palatable than who eventually shows interest in renting the apartment: Ted. Both Mary and Rhoda are heartbroken about the possibility of Ted moving in, Mary who even contemplates moving herself just to get away from Ted. After Mary is in near tears about the situation, Lou decides it's time for him to intervene, he who figures he knows what buttons to push so that Ted will decide not to take the apartment. Through the process, Mary and Rhoda learn who "Ellen P. Management", their unresponsive building manager, is.

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♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

SIXTY.

SEVENTY. [ Knocking ]



EIGHTY. JUST A MINUTE!

NINETY.

A HUNDRED.

HI. HI.

YEAH, I'M FROM THE
APARTMENT DOWNSTAIRS.

DON'T TELL ME MY EXERCISING
WAS COMING THROUGH

YOUR CEILING? NO, I
DIDN'T HEAR A SOUND.

THAT'S TOO BAD. I WAS HOPING
SOMEONE WOULD COMPLAIN.

IT'D GIVE ME AN EXCUSE
TO STOP. [ Laughs ] YEAH.

WELL, UH, COME
ON IN. YEAH, THANKS.

I'M, UH, MARY RICHARDS.
HI. I'M BARBARA GARDNER.

OH. WELL, WELCOME
TO THE BUILDING.

I'M SURE YOU'LL BE,
UH, VERY HAPPY HERE.

EVERYBODY'S VERY
FRIENDLY. WHEN'D YOU MOVE IN?



- ABOUT A YEAR AGO.
- OH.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO
THINK I'M ANTISOCIAL OR

ANYTHING, IT'S JUST THAT
I'M ALWAYS SLEEPING...

WHEN EVERYBODY'S WORKING, AND I'M
ALWAYS WORKING WHEN EVERYBODY'S SLEEPING.

OH. UH, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU
DO? UH, NO... YOU, LISTEN...

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
ANSWER THAT. NO, I...

I, UH, HAVE SOME COFFEE
HEATING. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

YEAH, I'D LOVE SOME.

NO, I PLAY PIANO AT
MICKEY'S KEYBOARD LOUNGE.

YOU KNOW, OVER NEAR THE
UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA CAMPUS?

OH, YEAH. WELL, I'LL HAVE TO DROP
IN AND HEAR YOU PLAY SOMETIME.

WELL, YOU BETTER HURRY.
I'M GETTING MARRIED.

JUST THINK, I'LL NEVER HAVE TO PLAY "I
LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO" AGAIN.

OR, UH, "ON WISCONSIN"
TEN TIMES A NIGHT.

- "ON WISCONSIN"?
- YEAH, THIS GUY KEPT COMING IN
AND BUGGING ME TO PLAY IT.

I GUESS YOU HAVE TO PUT
UP WITH A LOT OF WEIRDOS.

YEAH, HE TURNED OUT TO
BE THE GUY I'M MARRYING.

OH. WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

I DON'T KNOW. I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM
IN THE DAYLIGHT. I'M JUST KIDDING.

HEY, THIS IS REALLY
A CUTE APARTMENT.

THANK YOU. IT'S JUST THE ONE
ROOM THOUGH. I WISH IT WERE BIGGER.

YOU SHOULD TAKE A LOOK
AT MINE. I HAVEN'T FIXED

IT UP AS NICE AS THIS,
BUT IT'S A GOOD SIZE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY
CARDBOARD BOXES AROUND?

NO, BUT I COULD PICK SOME UP FOR
YOU WHEN I DO MY WEEKEND MARKETING.

- THANKS, BUT I'LL BE
ON MY HONEYMOON BY THEN.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

MILWAUKEE.

OH. WELL, I, UH... I HEAR THE
BREWERY TOUR IS INTERESTING.

YEAH. THAT'S, UH, WHAT
THE TRAVEL AGENT SAID.

BUT WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT KIND OF
STUFF. THAT'S WHY WE'RE GOING TO MILWAUKEE.

JOE SAYS WHY WASTE A LOT OF
GOOD SCENERY ON YOUR HONEYMOON.

[ Both Laughing ] WELL, I WOULDN'T
KNOW. I'VE NEVER BEEN ON ONE.

WELL, HANG IN THERE.
I MEAN, IF I CAN MEET

THE RIGHT MAN AT MICKEY'S
KEYBOARD LOUNGE...

IN THE MIDST OF THE BIGGEST
BUNCH OF LOSERS YOU EVER SAW...

ONE NIGHT, THIS GUY COMES IN AND I
RECOGNIZE HIM... HE DOES THE NEWS ON TV...

BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES,
GOOD-LOOKING, SILVER HAIR.

SILVER HAIR? YEAH.

YOU'VE SEEN HIM. YOU'VE
SEEN HIM. YEAH. WHAT'D HE DO?

WELL, HE SAT THERE, NURSING A CRÈME DE
MENTHE ON THE ROCKS FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

ASKS ME TO PLAY THE ENTIRE
SCORE FROM SOUTH PACIFIC...

- WHILE HE SINGS IT.
- UH-OH.

WHEN HE GETS TO "I'M GONNA WASH
THAT MAN RIGHT OUTTA MY HAIR,"

HE COMPLETELY CLEARED THE ROOM.

THEN HE REACHES IN HIS
POCKET AND PULLS OUT...

A SINGLE DOLLAR BILL, OH...

AND PUTS IT IN THE JAR
I'VE GOT ON THE PIANO.

AND TAKES OUT 75 CENTS CHANGE.

YEAH, THAT'S...
THAT'S TED ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT. TED. TED BAXTER. HE DOES THE
NEWS ON CHANNEL 12. HOW'D YOU KNOW?

- I WORK WITH HIM.
- OH, I'M SORRY.

NO, HE'S REALLY... HE'S NOT SUCH A
BAD GUY WHEN YOU GET TO KNOW HIM.

- HE'S JUST VERY... FRUGAL.
- YEAH.

THAT 25 CENTS HE GAVE YOU
COULD BE A COLLECTOR'S ITEM.

I BELIEVE IT. WELL, LOOK, THIS HAS BEEN
VERY PLEASANT, BUT I'VE GOT TO PACK.

THANKS A LOT FOR THE
COFFEE. YOU'RE WELCOME.

- IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
FUN KNOWING YOU.
- YOU TOO.

YEAH, I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD
MAKE IT TO MY WEDDING TOMORROW?

TOMORROW? I'D LOVE
TO BUT I'LL BE WORKING.

SO WILL I. I'M THE ENTERTAINMENT
AT OUR RECEPTION.

BYE. BYE.

ONE, TWO, THREE... THERE.

OXIUM? WHAT'S THAT
SUPPOSED TO BE?

AN EXTINCT EGYPTIAN BIRD.

- YOU'RE BLUFFING.
- LOOK IT UP.

ALL RIGHT, I WILL. YOU
THINK I WON'T? I'M GOING TO.

HEY, PHYLLIS, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
THAT APARTMENT DOWNSTAIRS THAT'S FOR RENT?

WHY SHOULD I KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS
BARGING IN EVERYPLACE ELSE.

- THE GIRL WHO'S MOVING OUT
SAYS IT'S VERY ROOMY.
- OXALIC. OXEN. IT IS ROOMY.

OXIDE. OXLIP. THEN YOU
HAVE BARGED IN THERE?

- NO OXIUM. TAKE OFF YOUR TILES.
- OKAY.

BUT THE OVEN TIMER HASN'T GONE
OFF YET. I STILL HAVE SOME TIME LEFT.

[ Bell Dings ] TAKE
OFF YOUR TILES.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE. YOU TOOK AT
LEAST 45 SECONDS TO STROLL OVER...

OH! TO THE DICTIONARY AND
THEN BROWSE THROUGH IT.

I HAVE AT LEAST THAT MUCH
TIME COMING TO ME, RIGHT?

GIVE HER ANOTHER MINUTE,
MARY. WHAT GOOD WILL IT DO HER?

SO TELL US ABOUT THAT APARTMENT.

WELL, IT'S REALLY THE NICEST ONE IN THE
BUILDING. EXCEPT FOR MINE, OF COURSE.

IT HAS A BIG BEDROOM, A FIREPLACE, A
GLASSED-IN SUNDECK, A BEAMED CEILING...

GEE, IT SOUNDS TERRIFIC. YEAH.

WE CAN'T LET A GREAT APARTMENT
LIKE THAT GO TO JUST ANYONE.

MAYBE I OUGHTA CALL ROBERT
REDFORD, SEE IF HE NEEDS A PLACE.

WE REALLY SHOULD TRY TO GET SOMEBODY WHO'S
NICE TO GET ALONG WITH IN THAT APARTMENT.

SOMEBODY CLEAN,
CONSIDERATE, UNDERSTANDING...

THRIFTY, BRAVE, TRUSTWORTHY.
YOU KNOW WHO WE'VE JUST DESCRIBED?

WHO? [ Laughs ]

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A BEDROOM. DO YOU
HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT PLACE RENTS FOR?

- $225.
- SO WHO NEEDS A BEDROOM?

[ Bell Dings ] TAKE
OFF YOUR TILES.

WAIT, I HAVE A WORD HERE.

HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA. WHY DON'T
YOU TWO MOVE IN TOGETHER?

MARY, YOU'RE PAYING
125. A-AND RHODA'S PAYING

87.50. I SHOULD THINK
BETWEEN THE TWO...

- HOW DO YOU KNOW
WHAT MY RENT IS?
- IT WAS JUST A WILD GUESS.

NO, NO, PHYL. NO, NO.

90 BUCKS MIGHT BE A WILD GUESS.
87.50 IS DEFINITELY NOT A GUESS.

HOW'D YOU FIND OUT? ONLY PEOPLE KNOW WHAT
I'M PAYING ARE L & P MANAGEMENT AND ME.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
THERE IS AN L & P MANAGEMENT.

EVERY TIME I CALL UP TO GET SOMETHING
FIXED, I GET THIS DUMB RECORDING.

OH, YEAH. THAT DULL GUY
SAYING, "L & P MANAGEMENT.

WHEN YOU HEAR THE TONE, YOU WILL HAVE
15 SECONDS TO STATE YOUR PROBLEM." BEEP.

YEAH. I DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM
I CAN STATE IN 15 SECONDS.

- I CAN WELL IMAGINE.
- WELL, IT DOESN'T MAKE
ANY DIFFERENCE.

THEY NEVER CALL YOU BACK, SO YOU
WIND UP FIXING WHATEVER IT IS YOURSELF.

RIGHT. YOU KNOW SOMETHING,

THAT VOICE HAS ALWAYS
REMINDED ME OF... SOMEBODY.

YOU KNOW WHO IT SOUNDS LIKE,
PHYLLIS? IT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE LARS.

- NO, IT DOESN'T.
- YES, IT DOES!

PHYLLIS, IT SOUNDS
JUST LIKE YOUR HUSBAND.

- NO, IT DOESN'T.
- PHYLLIS. PHYLLIS,
DOES THE "L"...

IN L & P MANAGEMENT
STAND FOR LARS?

AND THE "P" FOR PHYLLIS?

- YOU MANAGE THE BUILDING?
- WELL, IT SAVES A LITTLE
ON THE RENT.

OH... WHAT?

BESIDES, IT ONLY TAKES A
FEW MINUTES OF MY TIME.

IT DOESN'T TAKE
ANY OF YOUR TIME.

I REMEMBER THE TIME MY SINK WAS
BACKED UP AND I WAS CALLING L & P.

YOU WERE STANDING RIGHT
THERE AND YOU SAID TO ME,

"WHY DON'T YOU CALL THE PLUMBER?
IT'LL BE QUICKER AND EASIER."

- WELL, WASN'T IT?
- YES. IT WAS ALSO 28.50.

WELL, I COULDN'T FIX YOUR SINK.

WHAT ABOUT LARS? WELL,
HE'S A DERMATOLOGIST.

IF HE'D BEEN ANY GOOD WITH HIS
HANDS, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN A SURGEON.

WELL, MAR, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT
MOVING IN TOGETHER? BAD IDEA, HUH?

I TRIED IT A COUPLE OF
TIMES AFTER COLLEGE.

ONLY ONE THING CAN HAPPEN
WHEN FRIENDS MOVE IN TOGETHER.

YOU'RE RIGHT. OH, THE GIRLS I
ROOMED WITH USED TO DRIVE ME CRAZY.

THEY KEPT COMING IN SAYING, "TONIGHT I
BECAME A WOMAN. DO I LOOK ANY DIFFERENT?"

AND I HAD TO LOOK AT THEM AND...

PHYLLIS! I AM NOT
LOOKING AT HER TILES.

[ Bell Dings ] TAKE OFF
YOUR TILES. YOUR TIME'S UP.

NO, MY PUFFS ARE DONE. BESIDES THAT,
I'VE HAD THIS WORD HERE FOR HOURS.

IXMIRSYS. I-X-M-I-R-S-Y-S.

IXMIRSYS? SURE.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

OH, COME ON, PHYLLIS.
[ Laughs ] BUT IT'S...

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. DON'T TELL ME ANYBODY
AS UP-TO-DATE AS YOU ARE ON PSYCHOLOGY...

DOESN'T KNOW WHAT
IXMIRSYS MEANS.

HUH. OH! IXMIRSYS.

RIGHT. A COMMON TERM. OH. AH.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO GET BY
WITH OXMIRSYS. OH, NO. I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

WHICH I HAPPEN TO KNOW IS
NOT A WORD, RHODA. RIGHT.

OH, I'D LOVE TO GET HER
IN A POKER GAME SOMETIME.

SHRIMP PUFF?

MARY? YEAH?

I JUST GOT MY EXPENSE ACCOUNT
CHECK. THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER? WELL, IT'S
FOR ONLY HALF THE AMOUNT I SUBMITTED.

OH. WELL, TED, I'M SORRY, BUT I JUST
COULDN'T APPROVE ALL THE ITEMS ON THERE.

FOR INSTANCE? WELL, I DON'T
REMEMBER EVERYTHING, BUT...

YOU LISTED $23 IN TUMMY-AIDS?

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- WELL, WHAT DO TUMMY-AIDS
HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR JOB?

WELL, SOME OF THE PEOPLE ON MY
CREW HAVE STOMACH PROBLEMS...

I SORT OF HAND THEM OUT
AS A GOODWILL GESTURE.

THEY'RE NOT FOR MY USE. I NEVER
HAVE STOMACH TROUBLE MYSELF.

NO, BUT YOU'RE A CARRIER, TED.

OH, LOU, UH...

THERE SEEMS TO BE
SOME DISAGREEMENT HERE.

I'D LIKE TO REVIEW MY LAST
MONTH'S EXPENSE ACCOUNT WITH YOU.

SOME OTHER TIME. I DON'T HAVE
THE STOMACH FOR IT RIGHT NOW.

TUMMY-AID? THANKS.

SEE?

DON'T GO AWAY, LOU. I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK. OH, HE'S INCREDIBLE.

- LAST MONTH, HE TRIED TO GET
REIMBURSED FOR SHOE SHINES.
- SHOE SHINES?

HE SAYS WHEN HIS SHOES
LOOK DULL, HE FEELS DULL.

SO THAT'S IT!

ALL THIS TIME WE'VE
BEEN SUFFERING...

AND ALL WE NEEDED TO DO WAS GET
HIM A PAIR OF PATENT LEATHER PUMPS.

DOES ANYONE KNOW
WHERE THE TAPE IS?

IT'S USUALLY ON THE SHELF.
ARE YOU SELLING SOMETHING?

NO, THERE'S AN APARTMENT THAT'S
COME AVAILABLE IN MY BUILDING.

I THOUGHT IT'D BE NICE IF
SOMEBODY HERE NEEDED A PLACE.

IF YOU KNOW OF ANYONE WHO'S
LOOKING FOR A REALLY GREAT... MARY!

WILL YOU STEP INTO
MY OFFICE? YES, SIR.

LOU. LATER, TED. LATER.

SAY THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.

DO YOU MIND IF I ASK WHY
I JUST SAID THANK YOU?

NOT AT ALL. YOU WERE JUST SAYING THERE'S
AN APARTMENT AVAILABLE IN YOUR BUILDING.

AND THERE'S A PERSON AT THIS STATION
WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE LOOKING FOR ONE.

YOU THANKED ME FOR WARNING YOU.

WARNING ME? WELL, WHO IS IT?

TED.

THANK YOU.

OH! OH. YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU ALREADY THANKED ME.

BUT HELPING YOU AVOID
HAVING TED BAXTER AS

THE BOY NEXT DOOR IS
WORTH AN INSTANT REPLAY.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO THANK ME. AAH! I
BETTER GET THAT BULLETIN OFF THE BOARD.

MARY, ARE YOU THE ONE
WITH THE APARTMENT?

COME ON, MARY. TELL ME
ALL ABOUT THIS APARTMENT.

SHE JUST TOLD ME ABOUT IT. YOU
WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED. HOW MUCH IS IT?

IT'S NOT A GOOD
BUY. HOW MUCH IS IT?

ESPECIALLY WITH THAT ROTTEN
HEATING SYSTEM. HOW MUCH IS IT?

AND THEN THE CARPET... HUNDREDS
OF DOLLARS. HOW MUCH IS IT?

HOW MANY? HOW MANY
MORE? UH, MORE THAN TWO.

25. UH, 225...

YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S TOO MUCH.
THAT'S 17.50 LESS THAN I PAY NOW.

AND THEY'RE GONNA ADD $10 A
MONTH... THAT'S WHY I'M LEAVING.

17.50 TIMES TWELVE,
TEN TIMES TWELVE...

NORMALLY, HE CAN'T
ADD SIX AND FOUR.

BUT PUT A DOLLAR SIGN IN FRONT OF
SOMETHING, HE BECOMES A COMPUTER.

THAT'S $330 A YEAR SAVINGS. I COULD
BUY A COUPLE OF SUITS WITH THAT.

- OR A FANTASTIC SHIRT.
- WHEN CAN I SEE
THE APARTMENT, MARY?

OH, WELL... FINE, I'LL SEE
YOU AFTER THE SHOW.

LET'S SEE, IT ENDS AT 7:00... FIVE
MINUTES TO TAKE OFF THE MAKEUP...

FIFTEEN MINUTES TO SHOWER AND
CHANGE... 7:20. FIVE MINUTES TO GET THERE.

I'LL SEE YOU AT
ABOUT SEVEN... SEVEN...

- JUST PUT A DOLLAR SIGN
IN FRONT OF IT, TED.
- 7:45.

MARY, WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE TOLD
PHYLLIS NOT TO SHOW HIM THE APARTMENT?

I CALLED AND I GOT L & P.

"YOU HAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS
TO STATE YOUR..." BEEP.

BUT YOU GOTTA KNOW
SHE'S GONNA RENT IT TO HIM.

I KNOW. AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING, I
AM REALLY GONNA MISS THIS APARTMENT.

ALL MY FRIENDS. IT'S SAD.

[ Ted ] ARE YOU SURE YOU
CAN'T MAKE THE RENT 215?

NO, IT IS 225. HE THINKS
THE APARTMENT IS PERFECT.

I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS PERFECT. IF IT
WERE 220, IT WOULD BE PERFECT.

225, TED. THEN IT'S NOT PERFECT.

OH, TED. DID PHYLLIS TELL YOU WHY
THE OTHER TENANT'S MOVING OUT?

NO. MARY'S DANCING
DROVE HER OUT.

OH, RHODA, LOOK.
MARY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S NOT HER FAULT. HER FLAMENCO
TEACHER CAN ONLY FIT HER IN AT MIDNIGHT.

TOO MUCH NOISE.

NO, THAT WOULDN'T BOTHER
ME. I SLEEP LIKE A DOG.

- LIKE A DOG?
- DID I SAY DOG? I MEANT LOG.

GOOD. FOR A MINUTE
THERE, I PICTURED YOU ON

YOUR BACK WITH YOUR
LITTLE PAWS UP IN THE AIR.

BUT I DO THINK THAT DANCING STUFF
SHOULD BRING THE RENT DOWN TO 222.50.

WELL, RHODA
LIES. IT'S STILL 225.

MAYBE I CAN MAKE
IT UP IN GAS AND OIL.

MAR, YOU AND I COULD DRIVE TO
WORK TOGETHER IN THE MORNING.

ONLY USE ONE CAR.
UH, MINE, I SUPPOSE.

NO SENSE IN USING MINE SINCE
YOU'RE DRIVING IT ANYWAY.

TED HAS A POINT THERE, MARY.

PHYLLIS, NOBODY ASKED YOU.

OH. WELL, I'LL BE DOWN IN MY APARTMENT
WHEN YOU DECIDE. IT'S STILL 225.

[ Laughs ] SAY, YOU KNOW, IT'S
JUST GOING TO BE TERRIFIC...

LIVING IN THE SAME
BUILDING WITH YOU TWO GIRLS.

EVERY TIME I NEED A BUTTON
SEWN ON OR A SHIRT IRONED.

IT'S EXPENSIVE... 225 A MONTH.

BUT WHAT THE HEY. I JUST
KNOW I'M GONNA LOVE IT HERE.

HEH. SEE YOU LATER, NEIGHBORS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY EMPTY
CARDBOARD CARTONS?

OH, BOY.

WELL, THE FRONT PAGE
HAS THAT EFFECT ON ME TOO.

I WAS LOOKING AT
THE "FOR RENT" ADS.

I NEVER REALIZED WHAT
A GREAT APARTMENT I

HAVE UNTIL I STARTED
LOOKING FOR ANOTHER ONE.

WELL, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.
WITH TED MOVING IN DOWNSTAIRS,

YOU DON'T LIVE IN SUCH A
GREAT PLACE ANYMORE, RIGHT?

HI. COULD YOU SEND A MAIL
BOY UP TO THE NEWSROOM?

THANK YOU. OH. I'LL TAKE THAT.
I'VE GOT SOME STUFF TO GO TOO.

THERE SHE IS. WORKING HER LITTLE HEART
OUT TO KEEP US UP-TO-DATE ON THE WORLD.

HI, PHYLLIS. PHYLLIS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

NO "HAPPY TO SEE YOU"? NO
"WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE"?

I'M HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE.

- DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING HERE?
- YES.

I CAME TO SEE TED. HE ASKED ME TO STOP
BY WITH HIS LEASE SO HE COULD SIGN IT.

TED SIGNING HIS LEASE...
AND WE ARE THERE. [ Laughs ]

MRS. LINDSTROM?

HELLO THERE. HERE'S YOUR LEASE.

NOT TILL MY LAWYER
HAS A CRACK AT IT.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A LAWYER
LOOK OVER A SIMPLE LEASE?

AN OUNCE OF PERVERSION
IS WORTH A POUND OF CURE.

TED... TED, YOU BETTER
GET YOUR SHOES SHINED.

THEY DO LOOK A LITTLE
DULL, DON'T THEY?

DULL? THEY LOOK
ABSOLUTELY STUPID!

GOOD MORNING. HERE YOU GO, KID.

WATCH THE WAY YOU TALK TO
THIS YOUNG MAN. HE'S MY ATTORNEY.

MR. LEE, THIS IS PHYLLIS
LINDSTROM, THE BUILDING MANAGER.

HOW DO YOU DO? MURRAY
SLAUGHTER, ONE OF MY WRITERS.

MARY RICHARDS,
MY NEIGHBOR TO BE.

UH, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN PRACTICING LAW, MR. LEE?

I HAVEN'T YET. I'M IN MY
SECOND YEAR OF LAW SCHOOL.

OH. WELL THEN YOU
HAVE GOTTEN TO LEASES?

OH, SURE. A LEASE IS SIMPLE. I'M IN THE
HEAVY STUFF LIKE BREACH OF CONTRACT,

ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON.

[ Laughs ] I'M ALL FOR
GIVING YOUTH A CHANCE.

THAT'S WHY I PUT MIKE
HERE ON A RETAINER.

TWO DOLLARS AN HOUR
AND TWO CENTS A MILE.

- TWO CENTS A MILE?
- THAT'S ENOUGH. HE DRIVES A MOTOR SCOOTER.

CAN WE, UH, KNOCK OFF ALL
THIS DUMB TALK AND GET GOING?

MY SENSITIVITY GROUP
MEETS IN HALF AN HOUR.

UH, LOU'S NOT IN.
WE'LL USE HIS OFFICE.

UH, NO, NO, YOU WON'T. WHY NOT?

YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T LIKE ANYONE
IN THERE WHEN HE'S NOT THERE.

IN THAT CASE, DON'T TELL HIM.
COME ON, GANG. GO AHEAD ON IN.

IF YOU'RE STILL THERE WHEN MR. GRANT
GETS BACK, I AM NOT COVERING FOR YOU.

- I'M COMING IN WITH YOU.
- MURRAY, WHAT ARE YOU
GOING IN FOR?

NOW LOOK, MARY. I MISSED SEEING
ARMSTRONG LAND ON THE MOON.

I'M NOT GONNA MISS THIS.

UH, MR. GRANT... WHAT?

NOTHING.

[ Typing ]

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, LOU.

[ Phone Buzzes ]

YES, MR. GRANT. RIGHT AWAY.

YES, SIR? TED BAXTER...

WAS SITTING IN MY CHAIR.

I HOPE I'VE MADE MYSELF CLEAR.

YOU DON'T WANT
TED IN YOUR CHAIR.

I DON'T WANT TED IN MY OFFICE.

OR THE REST OF HIS MERRY BAND.

I DON'T BLAME YOU AT ALL
FOR BEING UPSET WITH HIM.

I'M NOT UPSET WITH HIM.

AND I'M NOT UPSET WITH YOU.

I'LL BE UPSET WITH YOU IF THAT EVER
HAPPENS AGAIN. RIGHT NOW, I'M NOT UPSET.

WELL, I AM. I AM UPSET.

Y-YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT
TED SITTING IN YOUR CHAIR.

I AM WORRIED ABOUT HIM
BECOMING MY NEIGHBOR.

THOSE PEOPLE WERE IN HERE
TO WATCH HIM SIGN HIS LEASE.

MR. GRANT, HE'S MOVING IN.

WELL, MAYBE IT WON'T BE SO BAD.

UH, MAYBE IT WON'T BE SO BAD...

DO YOU KNOW HE ASKED ME IF I
USE ALL OF MY MORNING NEWSPAPER?

I WONDER WHAT
FOR? HE DOESN'T READ.

IT'S FOR HIS DOG.

THEN HE ASKED ME
FOR MY PHONE NUMBER...

SO THAT HE COULD GIVE IT OUT TO
HIS FRIENDS FOR WHEN HE'S NOT HOME.

AND HE WOULD LIKE ME TO
ANSWER, "MR. BAXTER'S RESIDENCE,"

USING AN ENGLISH ACCENT.

MURRAY? HE SIGN YET? GOOD.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

UH, I HAVE AN IDEA. WHY DON'T
WE GO FINISH THIS IN THE HALL?

NO, NO, NO, NO. PLEASE.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF
WHAT YOU WERE DOING. COME ON BACK IN.

PLEASE. HEH. ALL RIGHT.

COME ON, GANG. THIS IS GETTING
A LITTLE WEARISOME, ISN'T IT?

- CAN I GO IN TOO, LOU?
- OF COURSE.

LOU, THIS ISN'T A TRAP
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

NO. [ Both Laughing ]

GO AHEAD, TED.
TAKE MY CHAIR. GO ON.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, SO, HAVE YOU GONE OVER THE
LEASE YET? WE WERE JUST STARTING TO.

I'M MICHAEL LEE, MR. BAXTER'S
ATTORNEY. WELL, HELLO.

YOU REALLY WENT
ALL OUT THIS TIME, TED.

THIS ONE LOOKS LIKE A SENIOR.

WELL, GENTLEMEN, AS I STATED BEFORE,
THIS LOOKS LIKE A STANDARD FORM LEASE.

UH, DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS,
MR. LEE. THESE THINGS WILL FOOL YOU.

WELL, THIS ONE DOES HAVE A "NO
PET" CLAUSE. A "NO PET" CLAUSE.

OH, TED. AND YOU HAVE
THAT ADORABLE LITTLE DOG.

OH. HOW MANY YEARS
HAVE YOU HAD HER NOW?

EIGHT YEARS.

OH, GEE, WHAT A SHAME. AND IT DID SEEM
LIKE THE PERFECT APARTMENT FOR YOU TOO.

I'LL SELL HER.

I ONLY BOUGHT HER
AS AN INVESTMENT.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME DACHSHUNDS WERE
GONNA CATCH ON. OKAY, COUNSELOR, GO ON.

JUST THE USUAL STUFF. YOU
PAY FIRST AND LAST MONTH'S RENT.

LAST MONTH'S RENT? HE HASN'T
LIVED THERE IN THE LAST MONTH YET.

I'LL PAY THE LAST
MONTH WHEN I LIVE THERE.

ALL RIGHT. I'M SURE I CAN
GET THE OWNER TO WAIVE THAT.

ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME THE PEN.

UM... SAY, UH, MIKE, WHAT'S
THIS $50 CLEANING FEE?

OH, WELL THAT'S A
$50 CLEANING FEE. AH.

CLEANING FEE? I'LL PROMISE TO KEEP
CLEAN. I'M A CLEAN PERSON. AREN'T I, MAR?

WELL, YES, TED, BUT I'M A CLEAN PERSON,
AND I HAD TO PAY A $50 CLEANING FEE.

- YOU DON'T HAVE AN ATTORNEY.
- IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY
ATTORNEYS YOU HAVE.

- Y-YOU HAVE TO PAY THAT.
- COUNSELOR...

WELL, NOW, SHE'S THE MANAGER.
SHE MUST KNOW ABOUT THAT STUFF.

[ Coughs ] WELL, THAT
STILL DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.

DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT TO ME EITHER.

YOU HEAR THAT? AND LOU
NEVER AGREES WITH ME.

GENTLEMEN, I ASSURE...

YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, KID.

I'M LISTENING TO A GROWN-UP
WHO ISN'T CHARGING ME A DIME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, LOU? I
THINK THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING,

THIS WILL END UP COSTING
YOU A LOT OF MONEY TO MOVE.

- HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?
- LOOK, I CAN RENT THIS
APARTMENT TO LOTS OF PEOPLE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT, LOU?

WELL, ALL THESE HIDDEN
FEES, THEY'RE SNEAKIN' IN ON YA.

THEN THERE'S MOVERS. YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO HIRE THEM.

AND THEY CHARGE, OH, UH, 20, $30 DOLLARS
AN HOUR. DOUBLE TIME FOR TRAVELING.

THERE GOES A FEW
HUNDRED BUCKS AT LEAST.

A FEW HUNDRED DOLLARS...

DON'T FORGET THE COST
OF INSTALLING A NEW PHONE.

I DID. I DID FORGET THAT.

AND YOU'LL HAVE TO
HAVE NEW CHECKS PRINTED.

OH!

UM, MR. BAXTER, THIS ALL SEEMS TO
BE IN ORDER, IF YOU JUST WANT TO SIGN.

ARE YOU STILL HERE? YOUR TIME IS UP.
DON'T YOU HAVE A CLASS OR SOMETHING?

YES. YES, I DO. UM, I'LL SEND
MY BILL TO YOUR ACCOUNTANT.

IS HE STILL GOING
TO WILSON HIGH?

YES, BUT YOU BETTER SEND IT TO
HIS HOME. VERY GOOD, SIR. THANK YOU.

NICE MEETING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE MADE MY DECISION.

I'VE DECIDED NOT TO
AFFORD THIS PLACE.

I CAN, BUT I DON'T WANT TO.
SORRY, MAR. NOTHING PERSONAL.

I'D LOVE TO BRING THIS BUNCH
OVER TO MY GROUP-THERAPY GROUP.

SEE YA, PHYLLIS.

MR. GRANT. I FEEL LIKE A GIANT WEIGHT
HAS BEEN LIFTED FROM MY SHOULDERS.

I JUST DON'T KNOW IF
I'LL EVER BE ABLE TO TELL

YOU HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE
WHAT YOU JUST DID.

- ANYTIME. - OH! [ Laughs ]

WORK.

HI. PHYLLIS, WHY DON'T
YOU LET YOURSELF IN?

I DIDN'T SEE ANY POINT IN BOTHERING
YOU TO GET UP TO ANSWER THE DOOR, SO I...

OH, PHYLLIS, THAT
WOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED ME.

I CAN JUST STAY A MINUTE, BUT I WANTED
TO TELL YOU THAT I RENTED THE APARTMENT.

OH, REALLY? I HOPE
IT'S SOMEBODY NICE.

- ALL OF THEM ARE NICE.
- ALL OF THEM?

FIVE AIRLINE STEWARDESSES.

FIVE AIRLINE
STEWARDESSES. THAT'S GREAT.

I WAS JUST SAYING TO MARY,
WHAT WE NEED IN THIS BUILDING...

IS A BUNCH OF CUTE, YOUNG,
ATTRACTIVE, SINGLE GIRLS.

THEY'RE JUST DARLING-LOOKING.
GOOD-BYE, PHYLLIS.

FOUR BLONDS AND A
REDHEAD. GOOD-BYE, PHYL.

- CUTE LITTLE FIGURES.
- GOOD-BYE, PHYLLIS.

- NOT ONE OF THEM IS OVER 21 OR 22...
- GOOD-BYE, PHYLLIS.

WE CAN BE LIKE HOUSEMOTHERS.

[ Together ] GOOD-BYE, PHYLLIS.

[ Mews ]