Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Six-and-a-Half-Year Itch - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

I'M TELLING YOU, MARY, IF I DON'T FIND
SOMETHING TO DO TONIGHT, I'LL GO CRAZY.

HOW MUCH LONGER WILL YOUR WIFE BE AWAY,
MR. GRANT? SHE'LL BE GONE ANOTHER WEEK.



IT'S A TRICK EDIE PULLS.

VISITS HER SISTER IN ANN ARBOR ONCE A
YEAR SO THAT I GO BATTY AND MISS HER.

WORKS EVERY TIME.

HEY, MURRAY, HOW 'BOUT IT?

IT'S BEEN AWHILE SINCE WE
WENT OUT TO DINNER TOGETHER.

YEAH, LOU, TERRIFIC... OH, NO,
I CAN'T. I GOT A PTA MEETING.

HOW 'BOUT TOMORROW NIGHT?

NO, TOMORROW I DON'T
NEED YOU. THANKS A LOT.

I GOT DINNER WITH MY DAUGHTER AND
SON-IN-LAW. WHAT AM I GONNA DO TONIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW, LOU. HOW QUICK
CAN YOU JOIN COMPUTER DATING?

UH, MR. GRANT, RHODA AND I ARE
GONNA GO TO DINNER AND A MOVIE.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU
CARE TO COME ALONG.

WE'RE GONNA SEE THE NEW
FELLINI FILM. FELLINI? OH, YEAH.

IT'S IN ITALIAN. THEY HAVE
ALL THE WORDS AT THE BOTTOM.



YOU HAVE TO READ IT AND LOOK AT THE PEOPLE.
THEN READ IT AGAIN IN CASE IT'S CHANGED.

THEN RUSH BACK AND LOOK AT THE
PEOPLE IN CASE THEY'VE CHANGED.

I GUESS YOU CAN TAKE
THAT AS A "NO," MAR. I GUESS.

HEY, LOU. LOOK, THERE'S A
JOHN WAYNE PICTURE PLAYING.

THERE IS? THE DUKE, HUH? YEAH.

NAH. WHY NOT?

I DON'T WANNA GO
TO A MOVIE ALONE.

OH, GO ON, LOU. HE WOULD.

SAY, MAR, I NEED OPINIONS.

THESE TWO PICTURES... WHICH
ONE DO YOU LIKE THE BEST?

- IT'S FOR MY OFFICIAL
FAN CLUB PICTURE.
- WELL, TED, THEY'RE BOTH NICE.

WELL, YOU SEE, IN THIS ONE I... I REALLY
THINK I LOOK A LITTLE TOO PERFECT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I MEAN YOU CAN
FRIGHTEN PEOPLE WITH TOO MUCH PERFECTION.

- WELL, THEN PICK THE OTHER ONE.
- BUT THE OTHER ONE'S
EVEN BETTER.

HEY, LOU, HERE'S SOMETHING
YOU CAN DO TONIGHT.

OH, YOU FREE
TONIGHT, LOU? SO AM I.

MURRAY...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
SOMETHING I COULD DO TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW I ALREADY HAVE PLANS.

OH, YES. SURE, I
FORGOT, LOU. I'M SORRY.

[ Laughs ] UH, HE ALREADY
HAS PLANS FOR TONIGHT, TED.

GREAT PLANS. WHAT ARE THEY, LOU?

WELL, I'M GONNA... WELL, UH...

ALL RIGHT, MURRAY. YOU TELL HIM.

HE'S, UH, GONNA TAKE
MARY TO THE MOVIES.

EXACTLY. I'M TAKING MARY TO
DINNER AND THEN TO THE MOVIES.

- RIGHT, MARY?
- UH, RIGHT.

GREAT. CAN I COME?

YOU DON'T LIKE
FELLINI, DO YOU, TED?

NO, I-I DON'T EAT ITALIAN
FOOD. IT'S TOO FATTENING.

BETTER COUNT ME OUT, GUYS.

HEY, MR. GRANT, YOU REALLY
WANNA GO SEE FELLINI WITH US?

NO, THAT WAS JUST TO GET RID
OF TED. WE'LL GO SEE JOHN WAYNE.

OKAY?

I'M GONNA GO BACK AND GET SOME
CANDY. BUT WILL YOU SAVE ME A SEAT?

RHODA, YOU'RE GONNA GET CANDY
AFTER THAT HUGE MEAL WE JUST ATE?

IT'LL HELP ME TAKE MY MIND OFF
HOW MUCH WEIGHT I THINK I GAINED.

[ Sighs ]

HEY! WHAT DO YOU KNOW? BILLY.

[ Laughs ] HI...

MARY, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE MET MY
FAVORITE SON-IN-LAW, BILL PHELPS.

BILL, THIS IS MARY
RICHARDS. SO, THIS IS BILL.

WELL, HE TALKS
ABOUT YOU AND SARAH

CONSTANTLY. BILL AND
SARAH, BILL AND SARAH...

[ Laughs ]

OH, I'M, UH, MR. GRANT'S
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER.

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK
THAT WE WERE... NOT THAT YOU WOULD...

WE JUST, UH, WENT TO A
BUSINESS DINNER AND, UH,

NOW WE'RE GONNA
SEE A BUSINESS MOVIE.

[ Laughs ] MARY...

HEY, LISTEN, BILLY, THERE'S SOMEONE
WITH US BUT THERE'LL BE ENOUGH SEATS.

MARY, YOU AND
RHODA GO ON IN THERE.

SO, WILLIAM, I'M REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO THAT DINNER TOMORROW.

OH. WHERE'S SARAH?

IN THE LADIES',
UH... OH, NO, SHE'S...

SARAH? UH-HUH.

OH, SHE'S... SARAH? YEAH.

SHE'S HOME. HOME? HOW COME?

WELL, YOU KNOW, SHE
DOESN'T LIKE JOHN WAYNE.

MY SARAH? I BROUGHT
HER UP BETTER THAN THAT.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. WELL, UH,
SHE'S NOT HERE BECAUSE...

I'M WORKING LATE TONIGHT.

UH-HUH.

WELL, I GOTTA GO NOW.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE MOVIE.

UH, I-I'LL SEE...

WAIT, ISN'T THIS THE
FIRST SHOW? WELL, YEAH.

UH, EXCUSE ME. OH.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M UP. HOW MUCH
MORE UP CAN I GET?

UH, YOU'RE SITTING IN MY SEAT.

NO, I'M NOT.

LOU, YOU ARE. I'M
AFRAID YOU ARE.

OH.

UH, MR. GRANT, HERE... YOU, UH,
COME AND SIT NEXT TO ME. RIGHT HERE.

I GOT THE CANDY. YOU SAID
ANYTHING NOT LICORICE, RIGHT?

NO LICORICE, RIGHT.

OH, THIS IS, UH, PATTI...

I-I CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR...
UH, WOODS, WITH TWO O'S.

OH. WE JUST MET.

IN HERE. YOU JUST MET IN HERE.

OH, N-NOT IN HERE. UH,
OUT THERE... IN THE WORLD.

WE'VE BEEN KINDA SMILING AT
EACH OTHER FOR OVER A YEAR, BUT...

WE JUST MADE IT OFFICIAL TODAY.

AND, UH, PATTI, THIS IS, UH...

THIS IS LOU GRANT,
MY... MY WONDERFUL...

GUY.

AND, UH, THIS IS MARY RICHARDS.

H-HOW DO YOU, UH, DO?

HI, Y'ALL. CANDY, ANYONE?

MARY! I GOT ENOUGH
TO FEED A HORSE.

WHICH IF I'M NOT CAREFUL... OH!

OH, I AM SORRY...
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

PATTI! [ Gasps ]
PATTI, IS IT YOU?

DON'T YOU REMEMBER
ME? RHODA MORGENSTERN.

RHODA! WELL, IF THIS ISN'T...

- I KNOW. IT'S KINDA WILD, HUH?
- WELL, WHAT'S NEW?

NOTHING FANTASTIC WITH ME.

I CAN SEE WHAT'S NEW WITH YOU.

UH, RHODA, YOU WANNA,
UH... OH, I'M SORRY.

UH, RHODA
MORGENSTERN, THIS IS BILL...

OH, I DIDN'T GET YOUR LAST NAME.

PHELPS. BILL PHELPS. PHELPS.

THEY JUST MET.

AND, UH, THIS IS MARY RICHARDS.

YEAH, W-WE KNOW EACH OTHER.

WE ALL KNOW EACH OTHER.

SURE. DID YOU KNOW
THAT BILL IS MY...

WONDERFUL GUY?

REALLY? AND WE'RE ALL SITTING
TOGETHER. ISN'T IT A SMALL WORLD?

I KNEW SOMEBODY WOULD SAY THAT.

HEY, LOU, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF MY NEATNESS SYSTEM?

FIRST I EAT ALL THE POPCORN, THUS GIVING
ME A TRASH BARREL FOR THE CANDY WRAPPERS.

SMART, HUH? FAT BUT SMART.

[ Chuckles ] NO?

UNBELIEVABLE. UNBELIEVABLE.

WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY, LOU?

FAT BUT SMART? LOU, I DIDN'T
MEAN YOU. REALLY, I DIDN'T.

IF YOU THINK
THAT'S WHAT I SAID...

OH, NO, I MEAN YOU'RE
A BROAD PERSON, TRUE.

BUT YOU'RE CERTAINLY NOT
FAT. YOU'RE SOLID, YOU KNOW.

OH, GOOD, TH-THE
MOVIE IS, UH, STARTING.

THEY EXPECT ME TO SIT
HERE AND WATCH A MOVIE?

A MOVIE. [ Lion Roars ]

I SAW THIS ALREADY.

♪♪ [ Western
Score ] [ Gunshots ]

MR. GRANT, WAIT!
WAIT UP. SHH! SHH!

VERY NICE TO MEET
YOU, BILL. SO LONG, PATTI.

SO LONG. HEY, WAIT UP, YOU TWO.

OH, NO. NOT AGAIN.

I'VE BEEN LEAVING LITTLE TRAILS OF
POPCORN ALL THE WAY HOME FROM THE MOVIE.

IT'S LIKE "HANSEL AND
GRETEL" TOLD IN BUTTER CORN.

MR. GRANT, UH, CAN I
GET YOU... SOMETHING?

UH, A DRINK OR SOME COFFEE?
"A DRINK OR SOME COFFEE."

SHE PUTS THEM IN THE
SAME SENTENCE. NO, NOTHING.

WILL YOU PLEASE TELL ME
WHAT HE'S SO ANGRY ABOUT.

UH, WELL...

I'M NOT ANGRY! WHAT
MAKES YOU THINK I'M ANGRY?

MR. GRANT, DO YOU THINK
YOU MIGHT FEEL BETTER IF YOU,

YOU KNOW, TALK ABOUT IT,
SORT OF GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST?

GET WHAT OFF HIS
CHEST? PLEASE GIVE ME A

HINT, YOU TWO. WHAT
LETTER DOES IT START WITH?

IT STARTS WITH "I."

I... SAW... MY... SON-IN-LAW
AT THE MOVIES TONIGHT.

YOU SAW YOUR SON-IN-LAW
IN THE MOVIES TONIGHT? YEAH.

YOUR SON-IN-LAW? HMM.

OH. OH!

OHH!

OHH.

MR. GRANT, MAYBE THE WHOLE
THING WAS PERFECTLY INNOCENT.

- YOU THINK SO?
- WELL...

LOOK, YOU AND I
WERE THERE, RIGHT?

MAYBE THEY WORK
TOGETHER LIKE WE DO.

- I DON'T THINK SO.
- WELL, WHY NOT?

HE OWNS A GAS STATION.

WAIT, YOU KNOW THAT GIRL. YOU
CAN TELL ME. WHAT'S SHE LIKE?

WELL, SEE... FORGET
IT. I DON'T WANNA KNOW.

LOU... I SAID, I
DON'T WANNA KNOW.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, I
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER.

OH. IS THERE ANYBODY
YOU COULD ASK?

THE THING IS, IT WAS A LONG
TIME AGO. YOU KNOW, I MEAN...

IT WAS SEVEN YEARS
AGO. I KNEW HER SLIGHTLY.

WE WERE IN THE
SAME CERAMICS CLASS.

AHA! CERAMICS! [ Mary ] WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

I GOTTA CALL EDIE.
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?

DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD? SINCE SHE WENT
TO ANN ARBOR, I'VE CALLED HER EVERY NIGHT.

IF I DON'T CALL HER TONIGHT AND ACT
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED, SHE'LL WORRY.

SHE'LL START TO THINK THAT MAYBE I
SAW OUR SON-IN-LAW AT A MOVIE WITH A GIRL.

[ Clearing Throat ]

[ High-pitched ] HI, EDIE? EDIE.

IT'S ME.

WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN
MY VOICE SOUNDS FUNNY?

JUST A SECOND.

[ Inhaling, Exhaling ]

[ Clearing Throat ]

IS THIS ANY BETTER?

NO, I HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP.

JUST A LITTLE SCOTCH ON THE
ROCKS, BEFORE LUNCH EVEN.

OH, NOT MUCH.

UH, YEAH, I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO
GO TO SARAH AND BILL'S TOMORROW.

I DIDN'T FORGET.

LISTEN, SPEAKING OF SARAH, I WENT
TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT AND I SAW...

JOHN WAYNE.

OH, YOU KNOW, IT WAS
ABOUT JOHN WAYNE.

HE HIT A BUNCH OF GUYS, AND THEY
ROLLED AROUND A LOT IN THE MUD AND...

THEN HE RODE OUT.

YEAH, IT WAS GOOD.

LISTEN, EDIE, I GOTTA GO.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

DON'T WORRY. IT'LL
TURN OUT ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ALWAYS DARKEST
BEFORE THE DAWN.

GOOD-BYE, EDIE.

OH, BOY, WAS IT
TOUGH KEEPING THAT IN.

I DON'T THINK YOU KEPT
MUCH OF IT IN. I THINK

A LOT OF IT WENT OUT
THERE TO ANN ARBOR.

IT'S ALL SO UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU KNOW, MR. GRANT, I STILL
THINK YOU'D FEEL BETTER...

IF YOU STOPPED TRYING TO CONTROL
YOURSELF AND JUST... LET IT ALL OUT.

YEAH, LOU. YOU GOTTA LET
IT ALL OUT. I CAN'T. I CAN'T.

I'M TOO UPSET. NO, MR. GRANT,
IT'S OKAY. REALLY. GO AHEAD.

I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS MAD
AT ANYBODY SINCE 1944.

YEAH, 1944.

THAT WAS THE LAST
TIME I LET IT ALL OUT.

DID, UH, ANYTHING MUCH HAPPEN?

HUH?

OH, I CAPTURED A
TOWN IN GERMANY.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS
THE WORST HE'S EVER BEEN.

THIS WHOLE DAY HE'S BEEN
ABSOLUTELY CRUMMY TO EVERYBODY.

IF HE HAS BEEN ACTING THAT WAY, THERE
MUST BE A PERFECTLY GOOD REASON FOR IT.

IT'S NOT GONNA KILL EITHER
ONE OF US TO JUST LET IT PASS.

BUT THE WAY HE WAS TALKING TO ME.
THE WAY HE WAS TALKING TO YOU BEFORE.

LIKE YOU WERE NOTHING.
LIKE YOU DIDN'T EXIST.

I MEAN, HE WAS
TREATING YOU LIKE...

LIKE I TREAT TED.

ALL RIGHT. HARRIS JUST
CALLED IN FROM SALES.

THE REQUISITION FORMS AREN'T IN
YET. WHY AREN'T THEY ON HIS DESK?

UH, BECAUSE HIS SECRETARY
JUST GAVE THEM TO ME...

I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A BUNCH...

I'M S-SORRY, MARY. JUST
THIS LOUSY MOOD I'M IN.

I KNOW IT'S HARD,
BUT TRY TO IGNORE IT.

OH, MR. GRANT. LOOK, I UNDERSTAND,
REALLY. IT'S ALREADY FORGOTTEN.

AND WILL YOU STOP BEING SO
DISGUSTINGLY UNDERSTANDING?

I'M BEING UNBEARABLE, ITCHING FOR A
FIGHT. WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK AT ME?

MR. GRANT, I DON'T COME
BACK AT YOU BECAUSE...

I KNOW WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU.

OH. YOU DO, HUH? YOU
MEAN, UH, LAST NIGHT?

[ Mouths Word ]

LOOK, MR. GRANT, MAYBE
YOU'D JUST LIKE TO TALK.

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON'T
WANT TO TALK TO ANYBODY.

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

HI, GUYS.

YOU LIKE MY NEW JACKET, LOU?

NO, I DON'T LIKE
YOUR NEW JACKET.

AT THIS MOMENT, I DON'T LIKE YOUR FACE,
YOUR VOICE, YOUR FINGERNAILS, YOUR NAME.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?

I THINK YOU MIGHT LIKE
IT BETTER IN GREEN. OH!

FIRST MARY, NOW YOU.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH
EVERYBODY AROUND HERE?

YOU'VE TAKEN ALL THE
FUN OUT OF BEING A LOUSE.

THERE'S NO FEEDBACK. LIKE TRYING
TO PLAY HANDBALL WITHOUT A WALL.

I'LL FIGHT WITH
YOU, LOU, IF YOU LIKE.

MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME.
JUST SAY THE WORD, LOU.

ALL RIGHT. MARY, I
WANNA TALK TO YOU.

UH, M-ME?

[ Clears Throat ]

YES, SIR?

OH, MARY...

I KNOW.

OH, MARY, MARY, MARY.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

I KNOW.

OH, BOY.

MMM.

BROTHER.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

THANKS, MARY. THAT SHOULD DO IT.

SO, FINALLY, MR. GRANT
HAD ME CALL HIS

DAUGHTER AND CANCEL
THEIR DINNER FOR TONIGHT.

FIGURES.

SAID HE JUST COULDN'T MAKE
CHITCHAT WITH BILL, KNOWING.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, RHODA, MAYBE
THE WHOLE THING IS A MISUNDERSTANDING.

THERE COULD BE A LOGICAL REASON WHY
A MARRIED MAN IS SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT, MAR.
THERE IS A LOGICAL REASON.

NOT NECESSARILY.

I MEAN, LOOK, THEY WERE IN A
THEATER IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN.

RIGHT OUT THERE. OPEN AND ABOVEBOARD
WHERE EVERYBODY COULD SEE THEM.

MARY, THAT'S WHAT HAS ME
CONVINCED. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THE USUAL PLACE FOR A COUPLE LIKE THAT TO
GO IS SOMEPLACE DARK AND CORNERISH. RIGHT?

RIGHT. THEN THE GUY THINKS,

"WAIT A MINUTE. IF I TAKE HER SOMEPLACE
OPEN AND ABOVEBOARD, PEOPLE WILL SAY,

'LOOK, IT'S OPEN
AND ABOVEBOARD.'"

SO, ANY TIME YOU SEE A COUPLE IN A
PLACE THAT'S OPEN AND ABOVEBOARD,

YOU GOTTA BE SURE THAT
IT'S CLOSED AND BELOW BOARD.

THAT IS THE M... WHERE DO
YOU GET IDEAS LIKE THAT?

HELEN GURLEY BROWN.

OH!

HI, MARY.

OH, HI, BILL.

IS, UH... IS LOU IN?

UH, WELL, NO, HE'S NOT. HE'S, UH, BEEN
IN THE STUDIO MOST OF THE MORNING.

HE'S EXPECTED BACK ANY
MINUTE, IF YOU WANNA WAIT.

IS IT ALL RIGHT IF
I SIT DOWN HERE?

WELL, YEAH, SURE.

SO, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

UH, HOW... HOW WAS T-THE MOVIE?

OH, UH, JOHN WAYNE WON.

SURPRISE!

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU BLAME
ME FOR THE OTHER NIGHT.

LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
CONCERN YOURSELF WITH ME...

JUST BECAUSE I HAPPENED
TO BE AT THE SCENE OF THE...

AND SEE IF YOU CAN SET IT UP.

OH, MR. GRANT. LOOK,
YOUR, UM... IS HERE.

OH, BILL.

UH, MURRAY SLAUGHTER, THIS
IS MY SON-IN-LAW, BILL PHELPS.

HOW ARE YOU, BILL?

UH, LOU, CAN I, UH...
CAN I TALK TO YOU?

AH, SURE.

CERTAINLY CAN SPARE
A FEW MINUTES TO...

SIT AROUND AND CHEW THE OL' FAT.

NO CALLS.

SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

LOU, I CAME TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.

THAT'S WHY YOU DIDN'T
SHOW UP FOR DINNER, ISN'T IT?

THE OTHER NIGHT? OH,
YOU MEAN, THE MOVIES.

COME ON, LOU. IT HAPPENED. YOU SAW ME WITH
ANOTHER GIRL. COME ON. WE GOTTA DO THIS.

YOU SAW ME WITH PATTI, UM...

- WOODS.
- RIGHT.

LOU, I, UH... I WANNA EXPLAIN.

I KNEW THERE WAS AN
EXPLANATION. OH, BILLY, I'M SO GLAD.

I WAS HOPING THERE WAS AND MARY SAID
THERE PROBABLY WAS. OH, BILLY, WHAT IS IT?

I WAS...

PLANNING TO HAVE
AN AFFAIR WITH HER.

UH, THAT'S NOT A GOOD
EXPLANATION, BILLY.

THAT'S A BAD EXPLANATION.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING YOU'RE NOT GUILTY
BY REASON OF COMMITTING THE CRIME.

I WAS GONNA HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH
HER, LOU, BUT I DIDN'T. NOTHIN' HAPPENED.

SHE WENT HOME ALONE. BUT YOU
WERE GOING TO. YOU WERE PLANNING.

OH, LOU. LOU, LISTEN TO ME.

T-THE PAST FEW YEARS THAT SORT
OF THING IS ALL YOU HEAR ABOUT.

MOVIES, BOOKS, MAGAZINES.

I MEAN, AT THE ROTARY
MEETINGS WE HARDLY EVER

GET AROUND TO DISCUSSING
CIVIC PRIDE ANYMORE.

SO?

WELL, I-I STARTED THINKING,

"WELL, IF EVERYBODY
ELSE, WHY NOT ME?"

AND, UH, THERE WAS
THIS GIRL. SHE'S BEEN

DRIVING INTO MY GAS
STATION OVER A YEAR NOW.

I, UH, KNEW SHE LIKED ME.

I MEAN, I'D BE WASHING HER
WINDSHIELD, SHE'D BE SMILING UP AT ME.

SOMETIMES SHE'D COME IN FOR GAS
WHEN HER TANK WAS STILL ALMOST FULL.

WELL, UH, THAT PARTICULAR
DAY, SHE COMES IN...

WELL, I KINDA FIGURE SHE'S INTERESTED
BECAUSE... SHE DOESN'T HAVE HER CAR.

- SO, LOU, WHAT COULD I DO? I ASK YOU.
- YOU ASK ME?

OH, RIGHT. WELL, I-I FIGURE
I'LL TAKE HER TO SOMEPLACE...

OPEN AND ABOVEBOARD SO
NOBODY WILL NOTICE ANYTHING.

AND WHO KNEW THAT AT
THE MOVIES, I'D RUN INTO MY...

WONDERFUL GUY?

YEAH. SO I...

I-I TOOK THAT AS A SIGN. SOMEONE
WAS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING.

YEAH. SOMEONE IS TRYIN'
TO TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.

ME.

I'M TELLING YOU THAT IF THAT
EVER HAPPENS AGAIN, YOUR WIFE,

YOUR WIDOW...

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY. RIGHT NOW
IT'S THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND.

IT... IT BETTER BE.

HEY, LOU, I DON'T BLAME
YOU FOR BEING UPSET.

BUT LET'S BE FRANK, HUH? YOU'RE A
MARRIED MAN. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

YOU'RE... [ Laughing ]
A MAN OF THE WORLD.

[ Laughing ]

WELL... WELL?

[ Laughing ] NO.

I'M NOT A MAN OF
THE WORLD. WHAT?

SINCE I MARRIED, I, UH...

HAVEN'T BEEN A MAN
OF THE WORLD ONCE.

REALLY, LOU? WELL, HAVEN'T
YOU EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT...

SURE I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
WHO DOESN'T THINK ABOUT IT?

BUT TO ACTUALLY...

AND LISTEN, IF YOU OPEN YOUR
MOUTH TO ANYBODY THAT I'M NOT...

NO, NO. I WON'T.
I WON'T. I SWEAR.

'CAUSE I'M KNOWN AROUND THIS
TOWN. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OH, YEAH. NOT THAT THERE
WEREN'T TEMPTATIONS.

DURING THE WAR THERE
WERE LOTS OF TIMES.

[ Chuckles ]

I REMEMBER THIS ONE
TIME WITH THIS NURSE.

A NURSE, HUH?

SHE WAS... GIVING ME A BACK
RUB. I... GOT TO THINKING...

WELL...

BUT THEN, JUST LIKE
YOU, THE NEXT MINUTE,

SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT I TOOK
AS A SORT OF SIGN TO NOT, SO I DIDN'T.

WHAT WAS THE SIGN?

THE KRAUTS STARTED
SHELLING THE BASE.

THAT'S THE CLOSEST I GOT.
THE CLOSEST I EVER GOT.

HOW COME, LOU?

I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED
OVER 20 YEARS AND YOU'VE NEVER...

I MEAN, HOW COME? I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, LOOK, I DON'T MEAN
TO PRY... I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I... LOVE HER.

I GUESS I LOVE HER.

I... I FIGURED THAT, UH, THERE ARE
ENOUGH THINGS IN LIFE WHERE YOU...

COP OUT AND COMPROMISE
AND MAKE EXCUSES.

THERE'S GOTTA BE ONE THING WHERE
YOU SAY, "IS THIS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE?

YES OR NO?"

AND IF IT MATTERS
ENOUGH SO THAT IT'S "YES,"

THEN THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

I LOVE HER. SO THAT'S WHAT I DO.

UH... UH, B-BUT LOOK,

I-I'M NOT HERE TO TELL
EVERYBODY HOW TO LIVE.

NO, I MEAN, YOU CAN'T
TELL EVERYBODY HOW TO...

NO, JUST MYSELF.

AND YOU.

AND ALL MY OTHER SONS-IN-LAW.

OH, YEAH. AND I HOPE I
MADE MYSELF UNDERSTOOD.

YEAH.

YOU HAD LUNCH YET? NO.

I'M HAVING LUNCH IN.
YOU WANNA JOIN ME?

I'D LIKE THAT, LOU.

THANKS. GOOD. I'M
GLAD YOU CAME, KID.

GET THE ICE.

OH, MARY, UH, I MEANT TO
MENTION IT TO YOU EARLIER.

YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE THOUGHT WE SAW WAS
HAPPENING THE OTHER NIGHT AT THE MOVIES?

OH, YES.

IT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. NONE OF IT. JUST
FORGET IT BECAUSE IT NEVER TOOK PLACE.

OH, WELL, THEN YOU MEAN EVERYTHING
IS ALL... CLEARED UP ABOUT THAT?

ABOUT WHAT? RIGHT.

OH, UH, AND MARY,

WHEN YOU GET HOME, JUST
SO IT'S ALL UNDERSTOOD,

YOU MIGHT MENTION TO RHODA
TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT IT TOO.

ABOUT WHAT?

[ Mews ]